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Hi all, my parents recently got divorced and it's had a big impact on my life. I want to write about it in my college essay, but I don't want it to sound too negative. Any advice on how to approach this topic and share my story in a meaningful way?

When writing a college essay about your parents' divorce, it's important to focus on personal growth and development rather than the negativity of the situation. Here are some tips to help you approach this topic in a meaningful way:

1. Focus on your growth: Highlight how the experience of your parents getting divorced has led to personal growth or development. Perhaps you learned valuable lessons about resilience, independence, or empathy from the situation. Show how these qualities have made you a stronger person and will benefit you in your future academic and personal pursuits.

2. Share a specific personal anecdote: Avoid talking about your parents' divorce in general terms. Instead, focus on a specific event or moment from your life that illustrates the impact of the divorce on you. This will make your essay more engaging and relatable to the reader.

3. Balance positivity and realism: While it's important not to dwell on the negative aspects of your parents' divorce, you also want to be honest about the challenges you faced. Try to strike a balance between acknowledging the adversity you've been through and emphasizing the positive growth or realizations that emerged from the situation.

4. Demonstrate self-awareness: Being introspective about how the experience has shaped you is crucial. Show that you have a deep understanding of your emotions, thoughts, and reactions throughout the process. This shows maturity and self-awareness, which are qualities that colleges value in their applicants.

5. Relate the experience to your goals: Explain how your parents' divorce and the lessons you learned from it have influenced your academic, career, or life goals. This will help the reader understand the significance of your story and see how it's relevant to your aspirations.

6. Proofread and revise: Finally, make sure to revise, proofread, and seek feedback from a trusted teacher, counselor, or mentor to ensure your essay is well-written and effectively conveys your message.

By focusing on your personal growth, sharing a specific anecdote, balancing positivity with realism, demonstrating self-awareness, and relating your experience to your goals, you can write a meaningful college essay about your parents' divorce that will resonate with admissions officers.

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Home — Essay Samples — Life — Divorce — My Experience of Growing Up with Divorced Parents

My Experience of Growing Up with Divorced Parents

• Categories: Divorce Parents

About this sample

Words: 407 |

Updated: 8 November, 2023

Words: 407 | Page: 1 | 3 min read

Works Cited

• Amato, P. R., & Kane, J. B. (2011). Life-course pathways and the psychosocial adjustment of children of divorce. Journal of Family Issues, 32(2), 153-171.
• Emery, R. E. (2019). Two homes, one childhood: A parenting plan to last a lifetime. Penguin.
• Fabricius, W. V., & Luecken, L. J. (2007). Postdivorce living arrangements, parent conflict, and long-term physical health correlates for children of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 195-205.
• Fine, M. A., & Fine, G. A. (2014). Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution. Routledge.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.
• Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Irwin, R. L., & Ryan, J. M. (2013). Counseling and divorce. Springer Science & Business Media.
• Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352-362.
• Wallerstein, J. S., Lewis, J. M., & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The unexpected legacy of divorce: The 25 year landmark study. Hachette UK.
• Walsh, F. (2016). Normal family processes: Growing diversity and complexity. Guilford Publications.

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Putting Divorce into Context in Your Applications

October 4, 2019

Applications

After years of working with students, I’ve seen that dealing with divorce as a part of the college process can be challenging for students. While many family separations are amicable or mutually chosen, many others contain feelings of loss, grief, anger and sadness . If you are a student who has faced the challenges presented by divorced parents in any way, this blog is for you!

In my last two blogs ( Part 1 / Part 2 ), I gave advice to divorced families regarding finances and the college search process . Making sure your family understands their financial plan and has a good process in place can help things go much more smoothly. However, when it comes to filling out the application, you – the student – will be faced with clearly explaining how divorce affected you.

For many students, the timing of a parents’ divorce could not be worse – when it happens during high school, it can distract you from activities, destabilize your financial support, impede on your emotional support system, and/or a hamper your studies right when grades are most important . Even if it happened several years ago, you may still be struggling with the reshuffling of your life. In these cases, it is important that you explain this to colleges. Here are three of the best ways to do that.

1) You can write about these circumstances in the additional information section of the Common Application . This section allows you to write up to 650 words “if you wish to provide details of circumstances or qualifications not reflected in the application.” When writing a summary of your parents’ divorce, keep it fairly factual (as opposed to highly emotional), and point clearly to how the circumstances of divorce impacted your application – primarily academic work and extracurricular activities. Typically, you would want an explanation for this section to be shorter than your main essay, so around 150-300 words, but you can use as much space as needed, and should, when appropriate. I recommend doing this when circumstances dictate, as you have little to lose and everything to gain, even if you don’t want to “whine” or “ask for pity” as many of my students say.

  2) Write your main Common Application essay about your parents’ divorce. I am very cautious to recommend this strategy, but it can be effective for some students. The primary problem with writing about a highly emotional or traumatic event in your life is that you haven’t always fully processed the event. This makes it very difficult to gain the needed perspective. Frequently, students end up writing with less skill, more difficulty, and less cohesion, because they are trying to explain an experience that taps deep emotions, particularly negative ones. So, how to decide if this is an appropriate topic for your essay? First, decide if writing about this event gives admissions readers unique insight into who you are. Second, ask yourself if this topic will provide better insights about who you are than all other possible topics. Third, make time to write in a journaling style, and then, get feedback from a trusted adult about whether the thoughts present you well and add to the strength of your application.

3) Finally, your school counselor recommendation is another appropriate place for colleges to learn about family circumstances that might have affected your application to college. If you have experienced challenges related to divorce, be sure to communicate those to your counselor. For example, after your parents split up, you might not have been able to visit a particular college to demonstrate interest. You could need more time for your college search , have less time to devote to extracurricular activities because of your living situation, have gone through a period of time where your academics were affected negatively, or have had to get a job. Regardless of the circumstance, be sure to set a meeting with your counselor to fully explain the circumstances and why you’d like them to be included in the letter. Your counselor can help contextualize your circumstances in the school recommendation letter or forms.

While divorce presents challenges for many students, I’ve also worked with many students who found strengths, hopes, or new opportunities because of the change of circumstance in their lives. Living through a challenge can cause you to become more mature or more flexible. Further, it can introduce more support people – such as stepparents – into your life. Look for those positives and emphasize those in your applications, so colleges will see you gaining self reliance, optimism, and strength.

Divorce Blog Part 1

Divorce Blog Part 2

Nicole has dedicated the entirety of her 20 year career to encouraging higher education opportunities. After graduating from Vanderbilt, she worked in her alma mater’s admissions office. The, she completed her PhD in Counseling so she could bring that expertise into college counseling. Nicole partnered with her former Vanderbilt colleague, Fitz Totten, to form Find The Right College and support their mission to make trustworthy advising more accessible.

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Katherine Martinelli

Updated Dec 15, 2017

How to Handle Your Child’s College Process When You’re Divorced

• Apply to College
• Application Process
• For Parents

Researching, applying to, and paying for college is a complicated process for any family.

But for divorced or separated parents, it can be even trickier. Yet, whether you are recently separated or long-time exes and on the best of terms or the worst of terms, there are a few simple ways that you can team up to help your child.

While there is no one right way to go about it, a good place to start is figuring out what makes the most sense for your family. By getting a head start, setting clear expectations, and establishing healthy modes of communication, both you and your ex can be equally involved in finding the college that will best serve your student.

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

While it can be tough, it is important to put squabbling aside for the sake of your college-bound child. “During a stressful time, such as when parents are divorcing, it’s easy to let grades and SAT ® scores slip,” says William Wheelan, founder of test preparation firm Sentia Education . “But strong scores can open the door not only to better college options, but also to scholarship money.”

The same goes for joining forces to help your child figure out what they might want to study. When it came time to start looking at colleges, author and father Rodney Lacroix realized that to find the best match, they needed to hone in on his daughter’s potential major. “This meant that the first conversations we had to have were about her interests,” he says. Once they figured out she wanted to pursue criminology, he, his ex-wife, and his daughter were better able to filter colleges based on who offered programs in forensic study. From there, all three considered the requirements together.

Get Started Early, Especially with Financial Aid

This is particularly important for you given the extra layers of communication and negotiation you must manage. It’s also why Kate Driver, director of school counseling at Advanced Math and Science Academy Charter School in Marlborough, Massachusetts, recommends kicking off the college application process as early as sophomore year. Start by learning about financial aid—it will provide a strong foundation and help you avoid surprises later on. If you and your child are also considering private student loans to pay for college, cosigning for them can be a way to offer support.

First things first: Get familiar with the different financial aid applications and what is required of each parent. For the FAFSA ® (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) , only the custodial parent or the one the child lived with the most during the past 12 months must report their income . If the custodial parent is remarried, they must include their spouse’s income as well. The CSS Profile ® , on the other hand, is used primarily by colleges with non-federal financial aid to award, so it asks for much more detail. For this, both parents must report their incomes.

Establish a System

While the details of how you and your ex delegate and communicate will, of course, depend on your relationship and personalities, you want to put in place a plan up front. “Use this agreed-upon method to make other decisions, like who will support which parts of the process,” says Driver.

Lacroix is currently in the middle of the college application process with his oldest daughter and ex-wife. He has found being on good terms with his ex to be invaluable, and he highly recommends “mending bridges” if at all possible. “It’s important to get the other person’s thoughts, because what you may see as a great fit for your child could raise red flags for your co-parent,” he says. “Communication is key.”

And since there is bound to be a lot of information to keep track of, experts are all about organizing it in a shared Google doc or spreadsheet. “I recommend this for every student and family,” says Driver. “But it can be especially helpful for families who aren’t able to have these conversations all in the same room.” Travel dates for campus visits are particularly important to keep on top of when joint custody is involved, adds Ashley Goldsmith, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, so be sure to add those to the spreadsheet too.

Put Your Child in the Driver’s Seat

To empower your child while making things easier with your ex, let the student take the lead. “Allow them to be in charge of keeping track of things like application deadlines, test dates, scheduling visits, and writing the applications,” says Goldsmith. “[Choosing a college] should be as much in your child’s control as possible to prepare them for the responsibilities of adulthood.”

Of course, there’s a difference between empowering your child and putting them in the middle, says Driver. “Arm them with information from both parents about what’s feasible in terms of finances, distance, and any other considerations that may be on your list,” she says. “Working together in a support role can be easier than getting into a battle of wills if both parents are trying to take over.”

Commit to Staying Involved

Take this pledge along with your ex, because equal involvement can cut down on potential resentment and misunderstandings. “Many high schools offer programming, such as college night, financial aid night, etc. to help families,” says Driver. “Both parents should do their best to attend all of these so they’re hearing the same information.”

If joint college visits are not feasible, try to divvy them up so that both parents—and most importantly, the student—can experience a range of options. It’s easy to skip out when they seem like too much of a logistical challenge, but Wheelan says that physically going and seeing the schools can have a profound impact. “Often when our students visit a college and can envision what their lives will be like as college freshmen, it inspires them to redouble their efforts.” It’s important for parents to be a part of this not only to support their child, but also to gather valuable insights of their own.

Lean on Professionals for Help

Especially for parents who do not have an entirely amicable relationship, college advisers and high school counselors can be an invaluable resource. They can help with everything from managing communication to figuring out the details of financial aid.

Goldsmith notes that the college process can trigger a lot of feelings, and a neutral, well-informed professional can work wonders. “As a parent, really try to be aware of what emotions are coming up,” she says. “Are you getting nervous about your child moving far away and therefore advising against an application or visit to a college in another state? Is this process bringing up unworked-through feelings from the divorce? Is talking about money proving particularly delicate? It’s worth involving a college or financial adviser to help you and your family work through the nitty-gritty parts.”

At the end of the day, the most important thing is to keep your child’s interests front and center. Applying to colleges is an exciting and nerve-wracking time, but if approached thoughtfully, you may find that your ex can be a valuable partner and co-parent during the sometimes wild ride.

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A Guide to the FAFSA for Students with Divorced Parents

Our families come in many forms, and that can get tricky once it comes to applying for financial aid for college. Here are a few tips and tricks for filling out the Federal Application for Student Aid (FAFSA) if your family structure is unconventional.

Why Fill Out the FAFSA?

The short answer is that this is a great source of support for students enrolling in college. Completing this application makes your child eligible for federal and state aid. This is not money you want to leave on the table.

For a detailed description of this form and how to complete it, see CollegeVine’s The Ultimate Guide to Filling Out the FAFSA .

The article that follows can be thought of as an addendum for families in which both biological parents are not married to one another.

The FAFSA vs. The IRS

You already report your income and assets to the IRS every year. However, as you read this article, you will see that the FAFSA considers parents’ financial obligations to their children a little differently. It can be frustrating to navigate, for example, the difference between a parent with custody and a custodial parent.

Keep in mind that these entities exist for different purposes. The FAFSA’s sole purpose is to connect students with state and federal aid to attend college, while the IRS exists to determine each individual’s tax burden. Over the years, these distinct goals have given rise to some subtle but important differences in how they address financial aid.

How the FAFSA Considers Parents Who Are Unmarried, Separated, or Divorced

For biological parents who never married.

The FAFSA treats parents who never married in exactly the same way as parents who married and divorced. You can skip down to the section “For Parents Who Have Legally Divorced” for more information on your contribution.

For Parents Who Are Separated But Not Divorced

For separated parents, it all comes down to current living situation. As a rule of thumb, parents who live under the same roof should file together.

For legally married parents living apart, file as “separated or divorced.”

For legally separated parents, it all depends on who lives with the child. If two legally separated parents still reside together, complete the form as “married or remarried.”

If the separated parents live apart, complete the form as “divorced or separated.”

For Parents Currently Seeking Divorce

If you are in the process of a divorce and you think your child may attend college one day, include provisions for paying for college in your divorce agreement, just as you would for child support. We recommend that each parent commit to the following:

• Support the student for ten semesters OR until the student earns a bachelor’s degree, whichever occurs sooner.
• Pay 50% of in-state college tuition plus room and board OR 50% of tuition plus room and board for the school where the child does enroll, whichever cost is lower.
• Tuition and room and board payments are to be made directly to the school unless the student chooses to live off-campus, in which case room and board only are to be sent directly to the student at regular intervals.

Some parents add additional information regarding college costs, including textbooks, transportation, and health insurance. Most college websites enumerate expected figures for these additional costs of attendance. Additionally, some parents stipulate GPA or minimum course requirements. We advocate against this practice, as schools vary in what constitutes a good GPA or minimum course load.

This is a general agreement, but feel free to customize based on the financial capacity of each parent and the academic plan of the student. For example, if one parent has a substantially higher income, you may choose to say that parent is responsible for 80% of tuition plus room and board. Or, if the student wishes to enroll in a program of accelerated study, such as a BS/MD program, parents may agree to finance sixteen semesters rather than ten.

For Divorced Parents

If the child’s parents are divorced, the custodial parent must be the one to complete the FAFSA. Note that custodial parent means something different from the parent with custody. To determine the custodial parent, answer these three questions in order.

1. With whom has the child lived for more of the past 12 months?

Count back from the date when you are filing the FAFSA. Has your child lived with one parent or the other for more days of the year? Since most years have an odd number of days, there is often a correct answer even with joint custody arrangements. This parent is the custodial parent and should fill out the FAFSA.

If the child has lived with both parents for exactly the same number of days, ask:

2. Who has financially supported the child more in the past 12 months?

Again, count back from the date when you are filing the FAFSA. If there is a difference in financial contribution, down to the penny, the parent who has contributed more is the custodial parent.

If both parents have contributed equally, ask:

3. Which parent earns the greater income?

If the child has lived with both parents for the exact same number of days and if both parents have contributed equally to the child’s financial support, then the parent with the larger income is named the custodial parent. 

The wealth of the non-custodial parent is NOT considered in the FAFSA. Some private colleges and universities may use this information, but federal and state aid does not consider this parent’s income and assets when determining how much aid the government will give the student.

For Stepparents

If the custodial parent has remarried, this stepparent’s wealth is considered when determining financial aid, regardless of how long the marriage has existed. 

In the event that the stepparent has since died, their estate is considered when determining federal and state aid for the child.

Even in cases where a prenuptial agreement exists between the stepparent and the custodial parent, the stepparent’s income and assets are considered in the FAFSA. No financial agreement between two parties can be binding on a third party, so prenuptial agreements do not impact government-issued financial aid.

Only the stepparent of the custodial parent is considered on the FAFSA. The spouse of the non-custodial parent is not factored into decisions about government-issued financial aid.

Claiming Tax Benefits

Education tax benefits have nothing to do with how a family completes the FAFSA. If you claim your child as a dependent on your federal tax forms, you qualify for education tax benefits.

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Personal Narrative Essay : The Divorce Of My Parents

When I was younger, growing up was not always the easiest thing. From a young age, I was faced with the difficulty of having divorced parents. Most of my friends did not have to go through this struggle, so it was hard to explain why I could not always hang out with them every weekend. “I can’t, I’m at my mom’s this weekend”, became a phrase I used quite often. However, when I was small, I thought it was kind of cool in a way because I got two birthdays, two Christmases, and two vacations. Eventually, both of my parents remarried. My father remarried my stepmother who also had two children who were both older than I was, but younger than my brother. My mother remarried and then had two more children with him. 

I felt as a kid, I missed out on some opportunities that other kids my age got to experience. Also growing up it was not always easy watching your two parents not get along. As I got older, it was very difficult to be able to do everything that I wanted to because it would mess up our schedule that we had, which made my mother kind of upset. When my younger siblings were born, things started going downhill. We had to watch our younger siblings all of the time, and it was our responsibility to keep them entertained. My sister and I are about five years apart, and my younger brother and I are about six years apart. So keeping them entertained was kind of difficult since we were all children.

I thought growing up that the one “hard” thing I would have to deal with was my parents divorce, however that was wrong. My mother got divorced for the second time. This came as a shock to me. At this point, I hardly ever saw my younger siblings. Between me starting competitive gymnastics, school, and their different schedules it could go months without seeing them which was very hard for me as a kid. I noticed right after the divorce my mother did not seem like herself, but at the age of nine, I had figured it was just the stress from the divorce. As time went on, the things that were happening continued. For example, she would cancel a weekend here and there or she would have friends over the whole weekend barely making time for us. However after one weekend, we quickly realized what it was.

It was Halloween in 2015 and it was my mother’s weekend. I was ten, my oldest brother was fifteen, my younger sister was six, and my youngest brother was five. My father told us to go downtown to the Trunk or Treat in town, so we could see friends and still go trick or treating. We were downtown for about twenty minutes before we left, and did not get to see my father who was expecting to see us dressed up. Earlier in the day, my mother and I were planning my eleventh birthday party since it was in two weeks. However, the topic changed quickly when we were talking about our plans for the rest of the night. My mother talked in a very serious tone about what we were doing. She made very strict rules of what we could do. At the time I did not realize what was going on until later. My mother had taken my siblings and I to an “adult” party. 

The day after everything had happened I was still very confused. When my mother was taking me and my brother back to our fathers, she had specifically told us not to tell him what had happened, and to say after we went downtown we went back home. As we got in the car with our father, he already knew what had happened. Still as a young child I did not understand anything that was truthfully happening. My brother had explained to me that our mother had some deeper lying issues that turned her to drugs and alcohol. Even at the age of ten I knew those things were bad, and they could have seriously harmed me or my siblings. My father was furious with my mother, as he had every right to be because she had potentially endangered me and my siblings lives by being there at a young age. My father was granted full custody of my brother and I, after it was taken to court.

As a child having to experience things like this made it very difficult to talk to my friends at some points. Every once and a while I would leave school early to have to talk to someone, but when my friends asked I simply said that I had some kind of appointment. It was very hard for me to be able to come to terms with the fact that my mother would not be a part of my life. I struggled with this for a while, and I kind of started shutting people out because I did not know how to express my feelings, and I did not know how to feel. I was angry, upset, hurt, and so many more feelings that confused me at a young age. I had also convinced myself that somehow it was my fault, and that I had done something wrong for things to end up the way that they had.

Six years later, I have come to terms with this. I have understood that there was nothing I did or could have done to cause this. Sure, every once in a while I will get upset over it but it will happen. I have also realized that I have an amazing support system, and that I can talk to anyone whenever I need to. I have an amazing family that has helped every step of the way, my friends have always been there for me whenever I needed them, my boyfriend who has become a big part of my life who I can call any hour of the day if I needed him. I know many people are not blessed with having such a great support system, but I am very fortunate to have one, and for that I am forever grateful.

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Essay about parents' divorce?

<p>I want to write about how my parent’s divorce motivated me to become successful. I have read, however, to avoid divorce. Also, is divorce too common of a topic? I feel I could best express myself through the divorce topic but want my essay to not get read as “another divorce essay.” Is divorce an acceptable topic?</p>

<p>Most topics are “acceptable,” but many are discouraged because they are so common that they become trite. If you can avoid this, go for it.</p>

<p>i’d read an impressive essay about parents’ divorce, so i think it is ok if you are sure that this essay can show readers a true you. btw, is divorce a common topic? have no idea about it caused i’d read only one essay talks about it</p>

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The Child of Divorce Scholarship is available to students who are under 30 years old. Students whose parents are divorced are welcome to apply.

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In Unhitched , couples tell the stories of their relationships, from romance to vows to divorce to life afterward.

Liza Cooper and Alex Yaroslavsky, both from New York City, met in their late 30s, in March 2007, through a dating app; they married about a year later. Both secular Jews, the two seemed compatible on paper, yet differences in their communication styles sometimes created conflict and ultimately brought an end to their marriage.

But with patience, work and a sympathetic landlord, the two managed to become dear friends and co-parents after their divorce. They now live on different floors of the same Upper West Side apartment building.

Dates of marriage June 15, 2008 to Dec. 13, 2018

Age when married Ms. Cooper was 37; Mr. Yaroslavsky was 38. (They are now 53 and 54.)

Current occupations She is an administrator in a hospital and a dating coach; he is an executive coach with his own company.

Children One son, age 14.

Where did they grow up? In 1980, Mr. Yaroslavsky, an only child, immigrated to the United States with his parents when he was 10. The family had lived in Lviv, which was then part of the Soviet Union and is now Ukraine. He quickly learned English.

Ms. Cooper was raised in Providence, R.I., by New Yorkers who were devoted to each other and attentive to her. Her mother died before she met Mr. Yaroslavsky; her father, who never remarried, now lives nearby. She has an older sister.

How did they meet? In March 2007, they connected on a now-defunct dating app for Ivy League graduates — he went to Cornell and she Brown. He had been engaged before. She also had been in several serious relationships. Both felt some pressure to start a family.

What was it about the other? Over coffee in a Union Square cafe, they bonded over their love for Costa Rica where each had traveled. She found him smart, driven, funny and cute. “I had never met anyone with as many friends as Alex,” she said. “Great people from all over the globe.”

He found her pretty and sensual, and appreciated her directness. “Talking with Liza was fun and easy,” he said. “I could tell she would be a great mother.”

Why did they marry? One date led to another, but he was skittish about taking their relationship to another level. Within a few months, she pushed him to clarify his long-term plan. Once he committed, with no red flags yet having surfaced, they set a steady pace toward marriage. On New Year’s Eve 2007 he proposed, and they married six months later. She fell in love with his parents; he adored her father. Both families were very pleased.

How were the early times? Both said they were good. They volunteered together at a dog shelter and enjoyed dining out. In February 2010, after their son was born, differences began to emerge. He was organized and neat; she was messier. “Alex is all hospital corners,” she said. “I am more bohemian.” He wanted to talk about budgeting and the future; she was more comfortable in the present. Sometimes what he thought were “normal” conversations erupted into fights.

Were they happy? Some of the time. “I was never taught to negotiate,” she said. She was unhappy and disappointed a lot. He wanted to talk out problems but said she never wanted to revisit their issues or arguments. “It’s important to me and what I do in my work, and we just couldn’t do it,” he said. “I didn’t find it pleasurable to rehash everything with Alex,” she said. “I always just wanted to move on.”

First signs of trouble? They began to fight constantly, even at the dinner table. “Hippie versus Soviet,” she said of their differing styles. “We really polarized each other,” he said.

Did they try to work on things? Starting when she was pregnant, they saw four therapists over five years. There were moments of understanding, but over all, their differences — and their arguments — prevailed. He wanted the two of them to have time together, away from their son, and she didn’t like leaving their son with others. He began to feel like a third wheel in the family. “We didn’t develop the skills to stay together,” he said. “Therapy showed me our relationship was untenable,” she said. “We often walked out of the sessions feeling worse.”

Who asked for the split? She did, in 2017. “It felt like throwing a hand grenade into the family structure,” she said. But he said, “Liza was absolutely right to ask. I would never have asked or would have waited until our son was at college.”

The final break up? They spent a year planning their split. On Valentine’s Day of 2018, they moved into different apartments in the same building next door to where they were living. A sympathetic landlord, also divorced, adjusted their rents so each paid the same. Their divorce was finalized on Dec. 13 of that year.

How did their son react? Both think he was relieved to be away from conflict. He complained — and still does — about having to travel three floors if he forgets something in one of their homes.

Did they feel stigmatized? They had a friend going through an acrimonious divorce and both agreed not make theirs ugly. Everyone was supportive about their co-parenting plan. Many women opened up to her about their unhappy marriages.

How did they fare financially? With a mediator, they split assets and custody evenly despite making slightly different salaries. “We wanted to have money for our child and not spend it on the divorce,” she said. Both appreciate the generosity they afforded each other during the split.

How did they move on? As they grew comfortable with being single again, each started dating. Occasionally they ran into each other in the elevator while with their dates, which was comically awkward, but soon a friendship solidified. Now they share dating advice and she recently helped him with his dating profile. “We still have some conflict but nowhere near as much,” he said.

What would they have done differently? “Being unhappy made me angry,” she said. “If I had known Alex would become one of my best friends, it would have calmed me down.”

“In retrospect, many of our conflicts stemmed from the way our brains work differently,” he said. “Had I known this before I might have been more patient and empathetic.”

Looking back, what advice would they offer others? Both said that working with a mediator made the split more civilized and helped the family heal.

“Be kind and don’t hurt someone you married,” she added. “I want my son to pick a good partner and be happy. We need to show our children that path.”

What is life like now? Both have maintained close ties to each other’s families, and though they have many close friends, they are still each other’s go-to. “Our marriage gave us a friendship, but it also gave us our son which is the biggest joy of my life,” she said.

“We genuinely like each other,” he added.

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Why I Kept My Kinks a Secret

F or the past decade, while I worked on a novel, I clung to a lie. On most days, I recited this lie, out loud, as if praying, hoping to relax the panic that held me in its grip for much of that time, and still hasn’t let me go. It kept me writing, the lie, though it’s about to fall apart. I’ll let no one read this book, I told myself. It’s still what I’m saying. I’m writing this just days before the novel will publish. I think of that fact, which is inexorable, and panic’s harsh grip closes tight again.

I’ve spoken with friends and, at times, in public about this novel-incited panic. If asked what I’m afraid of, I’ve offered multiple explanations, all of which are true, fine, but partial. For one thing, Exhibit explores plural kinds of desire, including physical longing, much of it queer; having grown up Korean, Catholic, and evangelical, I can’t quite escape the triple helping of lust-prohibiting shame and guilt I’ve known since I was a child. I’ve left religion, but the old edicts have proved hard to forget. In addition, the book is peopled with fictional artists, most of them women, aiming high with their work: they’re fired by large ambitions. So am I. It can feel as though, just by divulging this, I’m inviting peril. (Isn’t the phrase “ambitious woman” code for “unlikable woman,” a friend once said; I asked if it was even a code.) Plus, one woman in Exhibit isn’t being faithful to her loving husband; a couple of the artists refuse to be parents. It’s as if I made a list of boxes a person might tick to explain why a woman ought to be disliked, perhaps despised, and then, writing this novel, I filled in each box.

I’m stalling again, though, as I have my whole life, finding it all but physically impossible to put words to it , a longing I depict in the pages most adept at provoking bona fide panic. In truth, the principal origin of my anxiety, the thing that can trap me inside hours-long fits of gasping, crying, and the false if no less potent belief I might be dying, has to do with a word I haven’t yet said here: kink.

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This isn’t my first time writing or talking about kink—in 2021, my friend Garth Greenwell and I co-edited and published a bestselling short-fiction anthology titled, well, Kink . To support that book’s publication, I also wrote essays refuting prevalent, harmful beliefs about kink, fallacies about it being abusive, malign to women, an illness requiring a cure; I spoke about kink for print, audio, the internet, and during panels and readings.

But in that deluge of words, I didn’t let slip a thing about my own proclivities. I kept the language general, usually plural: I referred to some people, many people, to groups, subcultures, communities. If I felt obliged to be specific, I alluded to what one might want. I turned fluent in talking about kink while eliding the personal; at least a few readers caviled that, as far as they could tell, I’d thought up and co-edited an anthology that spotlit kink despite having no interest in it apart from the fictional. It was, I felt certain, what I required: to hide. Or, that is, to publish the book, but while I stayed veiled in fiction’s opacities, a disguise integral to the form. I relied on Ronald Barthes’s motto, larvatus prodeo: I advance pointing to my mask.

Now, though, I’ve written an entire novel told from the position of a queer Korean American woman artist who, along with her other desires, pines to explore kink. People, I’m aware, will suspect me, a queer Korean American woman artist, of having lifted the book’s events in full from my life.

Even so, I might persist in hiding. It’s still fiction, after all. And isn’t it enough, or so I’ve thought, that I’ve told the world I’m queer? I love being queer; it’s also true that queerness is judged to be an illness by a lot of Koreans both diasporic and mainland. Not long ago—for much of Korea’s Joseon period, which lasted from 1392 to 1910—the law ordained that a Korean woman could be divorced for “excessive” talking, a so-called sin. Expelled, fending for herself, the divorced woman risked dying, a hazard my body has perhaps not forgotten, though here I am, talking about, of all things, sex. Queer sex, at that. But it’s possible this rigid mask, the passed-down fiats, aren’t helping me, let alone the writing, as much as I thought.

Kink is a large, shifting term, with outlines etched less by what it is than is not, this single word applied to an ever-changing negative space. Lina Dune , a prominent kink writer and podcaster, defines kink as any sexual act or practice diverging “one tiny step outside of what you were brought up to believe is acceptable.” So, bondage, sadomasochism, fetishes, and role play are examples of kinks, and these aren’t fringe penchants. By some measures, 40% to 70% of people might be kinky ; given the stigma, this estimate could be on the low end.

For me, kink entails playing with control. Stated, explicit power dynamics; intense physical sensations, including pain; rules—these pursuits are so crucial to my body’s understanding of sex that, in their absence, lust also goes missing. It isn’t optional, a bit of pep to add on top of the chief act. Hence, sex lacking all signs of kink isn’t quite, in any personally significant sense of the word, sex. I’ve known this to be true as far back as I can recall desiring; for about as long, I believed I should keep it quiet, that I’d be thought aberrant, wrong, for craving as I did, the yes of desire paired with this I can’t . Friends spoke about lust in ways I found puzzling, alien. To be safe, I nodded. I feigned being like them. First kisses, initial forays into sexual activity: none of it felt fulfilling, and still, I played along.

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It wasn’t until I met the person who’d become my husband that, months into dating, with great trouble, I began trying to explain. Since kink figures as central a role in who I am as being queer, a woman, Korean, a person, a living being, I had to give him the chance, I thought, to run.

So what, one might ask. Kink is visible, in public, even stylish, to an extent I didn’t think possible while I was growing up, and kink-specific gathering places exist both online and, at least in big cities, in person. No one wishing to fulfill a desire for kink who is also in possession of a phone needs to be afraid, as I used to be, of lifelong failure. People mention kink in social-media bios, in dating profiles. In the milieus I inhabit, full of writers, editors, and artists all tilting left, to kink-shame—to deride a person’s kink—is itself often judged passé, risible. Why, then, as I write this, are my hands shaking, as though my very fingers are urging me to stop, to go back into hiding?

It wasn’t long ago that being pulled to kink was classed as being disordered. Until 2013, sadomasochism, along with fetishism, was pathologized as a mental illness in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM—a ruling with legal implications for jobs, parental rights. While kink is depicted more than it used to be in popular culture, it’s still so often tied to grave psychic damage, evil, or both that there’s a futile, tiring game I play: if a character in film or television is, say, a serial killer, an appalling villain, I track how long it takes until they’re shown engaging in kink. It can take just five, ten minutes before I’m proven right again.

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It’s thus no surprise that lies about kink run wild. On the first day of the anthology Kink’s release, which, again, was a brief three years ago, the most indignant replies came from writers and editors I’d never met arguing that kink is abusive, misogynist, disordered. (Briefly, for anyone fresh to this dispute: a bright, wide line divides even the most physically rough kink from abuse—the giving and negotiating of explicit, detailed consent—and though some people do gain healing through kink, it has no more of a requisite etiology than do other kinds of sexuality.) In my own, less parochial circles, it’s still not unusual for people to question what the purpose of a fictional character’s kink might be, why it’s there, as though it has to be willed, optional, and not, as it is for me, vital.

If otherwise well-educated adults find kink confusing, it’s no wonder that youths might, too. Per a recent survey of 5,000 college students in the Midwest, conducted by Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, two-thirds of the women said they’d been choked by a partner during sex. While a longing for sexual asphyxiation is possible, and does fall under kink’s rubric, it’s also so dangerous that many kink aficionados consider it entirely off limits. One can’t safely choke a person; lasting damage can result, up to and including death. In the study, women spoke of partners choking them without having obtained consent ahead of time, a flouting of essential, first-priority kink practices.

Kink, as Dune says, isn’t about one person forcing their will on another: instead, it’s “an ongoing conversation, a collaboration between consenting equals.” Preludial talk of desires, limits; figuring out where there is and isn’t overlap; deciding on safewords; finding ways to check in along the way; segueing from a sexual encounter into aftercare, which folds in activities that can include talking about what took place, to bring oneself back to a less charged state—all this, too, is part of kink.

For a lot of people, kink can be a less bewildering landscape to navigate than more orthodox types of sex. In lieu of abiding by fixed scripts of what sex ought to be, one listens to one’s individual body, following and articulating what’s desired. Zoë Peterson, a scientist and clinical psychologist who directs the Kinsey Institute’s Sexual Assault Initiative, notes that, with the U.S.’s dearth of sex education, some people might never be asked, “What do you like and not like?” It can be highly difficult for people to think about this, let alone speak it aloud, and to another person. Sex-related shame bedevils most of us, not just the kink-inclined. And so, Peterson says, she tends to “hold up the kink community as a good model of sexual-consent communication.” In other words, these consent practices can be useful to people at large.

I ask Peterson how she’d respond to a still-widespread objection to this kind of dialogue, that consent made so precise is off-putting, clinical, lacking space for abandon, spontaneity. Here, too, she says, kink communities provide a model. “I don't think anyone's like, ‘Kink isn't sexy,’” she says, with a laugh. “No one says that.”

I’m doing it again : referring to people , to one . Scientists pointing to kink as a benign model, the talk of detailed consent—it all sounds so logical, so calm that I almost forget the panic stifling each attempt I’ve ever made to voice my own desires.

But along with the pervading stigma, here’s what else I find terrifying: part of what I want, the shape of how I lust, could be mistaken as lining up with painful, absurd lies about women who look like me—that we’re docile, hypersexual, pliant, willing to be ill-used. It’s a myth distorting our histories in the U.S., codified in the 1875 Page Act , which stopped the immigration of Chinese women on the pretext that they were “immoral.” It’s also present in any number of violent acts toward Asian women, and people who present as women, including the 2021 Atlanta spa shootings , which the killer tried to explain with a so-called “sex addiction,” a concept not recognized in psychiatric literature but one many people, not excluding the media, quickly accepted as a real disease.

Both after and before the Atlanta shootings, I’ve written and spoken about injustice from the vantage point of being a Korean woman, an Asian woman. I’ve heard from thousands of Asian people, most often women, about their own experiences of racism . It was, and is, a profound honor to be trusted with such griefs. I’ve also received death threats, rape threats, as replies to what I wrote; I’ve been chased down the street by men, had my ass grabbed in bars. Less violent, but also infuriating, are the times people have fancied it’s right to tell me what to do, have assayed to push me around. None of this is special. It’s not unique, is the problem. But as a result, for a long while, I’ve tried, with how I dress, talk, and hold myself, to project what others might interpret as strength, an effort that’s felt all the more urgent as I publish words that people read.

I’m afraid that, by unveiling desires I’ve kept hidden, I’ll spoil this effort. And that, given the nature of some of what I want, I’ll add to the terrible lies about us. Might, then, get more of us hurt, killed. On the one hand, this sounds histrionic, over-the-top: it’s just a novel, I tell myself, and I’m one person. Still, the bigoted and ignorant can be so easily misled, by almost nothing. Each novel births a world. Shame, guilt then spring up: what am I, a Korean woman, doing, talking about sex at all? I should hide again, back where it’s safe.

But this, but that: the abiding panic spirals, its coil tight. In the lulls, when its grip goes slack, I’m able to trust in what else I believe about books. The solitude I used to know, when I thought I was alone with strange desires, my body wrong, abnormal—that long isolation, too, twined me with the pall of something like death. Other people’s words, books, and art, by offering kinship, pulled me free, provided a refuge. It felt salvific, finding the solitude to be an illusion: learning that even I, at least in private, could live as my full self.

Despite the panic, I did write Exhibit , a chronicle of kinky, queer, Korean American women intent on pursuing what they want. Striving to bring to the novel all the skills I possess, I hoped to claim that this, too, the it I’ve often wished gone, belongs in literature. Which is also saying it belongs, period, as do I. Our bodies aren’t wrong. If allowed the option of changing, excising kink from my body, I’d refuse. For what else could I be, and why would I want to? Kink has brought me such delight. Exhibit’s narrator, Jin Han, spends much of the novel working to move out of hiding. I’m trying to follow her there.

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Jason and Travis Kelce's parents agreed to postpone their divorce until after their sons finished college

• Donna Kelce said she and her now ex-husband, Ed Kelce, decided to stay married until their sons finished college.
• "We worked together as a team," Kelce said on "The Martha Stewart Podcast."
• Both parents still regularly attend their sons' NFL games, sometimes with Taylor Swift.

Donna Kelce, 71, said she and her now ex-husband decided to divorce only after their sons, Jason and Travis Kelce , graduated from college.

During an episode of " The Martha Stewart Podcast " released on Wednesday, Donna Kelce reflected on how she and Ed Kelce decided to stay together for almost 25 years in order to raise their sons under one roof.

"We worked together as a team," she said. "So we decided that we would be married throughout the entire time that the kids were in the house, and that's the way it worked out."

She added that it was "very, very difficult to raise children on your own," more so since her sons were both very active.

The Kelce family lived in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, and both Jason and Travis went on to study and play football at the University of Cincinnati.

Jason started his NFL career with the Philadelphia Eagles in 2011 and retired earlier this year. Travis has been playing for the Kansas City Chiefs ever since he was drafted in 2013.

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This isn't the first time the family has spoken about their unique family situation.

In "Kelce," the 2023 Amazon Prime Video documentary about their elder son, Jason Kelce, Ed Kelce explained why choosing to stay married was the best option for the family.

"If we had split as we probably both would have preferred, that would have been a nightmare with the logistics, getting kids where they had to be and providing all the support," he said, according to People .

Even though they've been separated for some time, both parents still regularly attend their sons' NFL games.

Earlier this year, during the Super Bowl, they were spotted cheering on Travis Kelce from the VIP box at Allegiant Stadium with Taylor Swift and other celebrities.

In 2023, many high-profile celebrity couples announced that they would be divorcing — including Sofía Vergara and Joe Manganiello , Kevin Costner and Christine Baumgartner , and Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth.

And it's not just celebrities: Bowling Green State University's National Center for Family and Marriage Research found that the divorce rate among those age 65 and older had tripled from 1990 to 2021 .

Divorces can be difficult, but there are ways to navigate them, including through " conscious uncoupling, " as popularized by Gwyneth Paltrow .

But divorce isn't the best option for everyone. Alex Kapp, a divorce manager, previously shared with Business Insider signs a relationship could be salvaged , including both parties still loving each other and being willing to re-establish communication.

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