book review the 5 love languages

“The 5 Love Languages” - Book Review

“ The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman is a book that was published in 1992 and has continued to become even more popular over time.

This book teaches that each one of us interprets love differently. Each of us needs to feel loved, but the actions we associate with love are different (our love language). As a result it is easy for two different people to believe that they are showing love to each other, but at the same time not feel like they are receiving love from each other. For example if you feel that a hug is a great expression of love and your spouse feels like doing the dishes is a great expression of love then it is easy for both of you to misinterpret what your spouse is doing. They are doing the dishes to show they love you but you just think that is housework. You are giving them hugs, but they feel that is almost unimportant and if you really loved them you would help with the dishes. As a result we need to learn our spouse’s love language so we can effectively communicate our love to them.

Chapman categorizes the wide variety of different ways each of us feel love into 5 groups or love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. The book devotes a chapter to each one of these languages.

Chapman goes on to discuss how important it is to love our spouse in their love language. In order to so we first we need to figure out what their love language is. This may be harder than it sounds especially if our spouse doesn’t even know (or at least may not recognize it as such). The book outlines various tools and exercises to help with this discovery. Once we understand what our spouse’s love language is then we need to learn to become fluent in that language. For example if we aren’t someone who naturally likes to buy and give gifts, but that is our spouse’s love language, then it is going to take some effort on our part to become comfortable and good at doing so.

We may think something like “My spouse should just accept me for who I am. They know that I don’t like spending money on gifts, I show my love in other ways.” The problem with this is that love is hard work, if we just do what is easy for us, that isn’t really love. How we really show love is by being willing to put in effort for our spouses benefit.

As the book says “[R]eal love... is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction—the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another.”

Along with all the really good points this book makes we felt there were at least two places that people may misinterpret what is being taught and maybe larger warnings could have been added.

First. People love personality tests, and our love language is very similar to a type of personality test. This type of classifying ourselves can help us feel like we belong, better understand ourselves, and make it easier to explain ourselves to others. The danger with this is that once we categorize ourselves we can easily convince ourselves that that is who we really are. “I am someone who loves the color green.” So when we see two beautiful dresses we just decide that the green one is prettier because “that is who we are”. This can limit what we are willing to try and who we are willing to be in the future. People are massively multifaceted and unique, none of us fit into nice little buckets that completely explain who we are. As a result use this book to better understand who you currently are but don’t let it confine who you can be in the future.

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Second. This book talks a lot about our emotional “love tank” and that we can fill our spouse’s love tank by loving them in their love language. We think this is a great metaphor in a lot of ways but beware of the temptation to use this as an excuse. “I can’t love my spouse until they are doing more to fill my love tank or because my love tank is empty”. This excuse leaves a relationship stuck, neither person willing to be the first to make repairs to the relationship. (Note that the last chapter speaks specifically about this.)

Overall this was an excellent book and we highly recommend it. We think it works well to read by yourself, and we think it works even better if you read it with your spouse. If you are willing to put in the effort to improve your relationship we think this book can be an excellent guide for your journey.

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The purpose of “The Couple Project” is to learn more about what makes a strong marriage or relationship. We share what we are learning, which ideas we are trying, and which ideas helped improve our relationship. We realize not everything that works for us will work for you, but we still hope you will find our journey valuable.

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The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts Paperback – Large Print, October 1, 2010

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• Part of series The 5 Love Languages Series
• Print length 263 pages
• Language English
• Publisher Christian Large Print
• Publication date October 1, 2010
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• ASIN ‏ : ‎ 1594153515
• Publisher ‏ : ‎ Christian Large Print; Large Print edition (October 1, 2010)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Paperback ‏ : ‎ 263 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781594153518
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1594153518
• Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 10.9 ounces
• Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.75 x 0.75 x 8.75 inches
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About the author

Gary chapman.

Gary Chapman—author, speaker, and counselor—has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationships. He is the bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages® series and the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary Travels the world presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations.

For more information, visit 5lovelanguages.com or connect with Gary on his social platforms:

Twitter @DrGaryChapman

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What the 5 love languages get right, and what they get very wrong

Don’t think of love as a language. Experts say to think of love as a balanced diet instead.

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As Meyers-Briggs quizzes are to corporate bonding retreats, love languages are to Hinge profiles. They show up again and again on dating sites, and on relationship advice forums and social media memes and debunking podcasts. There is something about the idea of love languages that seems to make people feel very passionately: My love language is words of affirmation. My love language is clean sheets. My boyfriend says he doesn’t have a love language, and I don’t know how to express my love to him. Love languages are bull crap. My love language is hating on love languages .

These agents of provocation emerged from the mind of Baptist pastor Gary Chapman, author of the 1992 book The 5 Love Languages . Chapman developed his theory of love languages while he was offering pastoral care to couples who came to his church looking for support in their marriages. As Chapman sees it, the reason married people fight is that they are each trying to express their love in ways the other person doesn’t understand. It is as if, he explains, they are speaking different languages.

Chapman’s initial modest offering has developed into a full-fledged media universe: The 5 Love Languages of Children , The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition , The 5 Love Languages for Men , The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers , The 5 Love Languages Military Edition . There is an app . There are Chapman-hosted podcasts .

The basic premise of the Chapman universe, however, has a pleasing Hogwarts house-style simplicity. Chapman cataloged five love languages, which he says are all the same for everybody: quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation. You get one love language as your primary and another as your secondary, like being on the cusp in astrology. You aren’t allowed to have more than that. Ideally, you and your partner should have at least one in common. To pick your language, you take the personality quiz at the back of the book, now available online .

For true believers, the love languages are the key to relationship communication. Say one person feels loved when they’re cuddling (physical touch), while their partner considers cleaning the house (acts of service) to be the ultimate expression of their affection. Both of them might feel as though they’re putting in all the work for the relationship and as though the other person is neglecting them. Chapman’s love language concept gives both parties a way of talking about what they’re missing from one another without accusations.

Critics, however, point to Chapman’s rigid and conservative gender politics (most prominent in the earliest editions of the book) and the lack of scientific basis for his theories. Love languages, they warn, can be too inflexible to be practical.

“If someone identifies their primary love language as ‘gifts,’ they might unconsciously downplay the significance of spending quality time, being physically affectionate, engaging in deep conversations, and so on,” says Gideon Park, a co-author of a recent psychology paper examining the academic research on love languages. “This could create a narrow understanding of what constitutes love, hindering the richness and diversity of emotional connections.”

In the name of richness and diversity, let’s take a close look at the concept of love languages. Here’s what they get right, and what they get very wrong.

The scientific research into love languages is mixed at best

The paper Park worked on under lead author Emily Impett lays out three foundational tenets of The 5 Love Languages , which the researchers then checked against existing relationship science research. The three tenets are the basis of Chapman’s argument: There are exactly five love languages, everyone has exactly one primary love language, and when you match languages with your partner, you’re happier. According to the literature review from Impett et al., there does not seem to be empirical evidence for any of these three principles.

The paper finds few consistent results between studies about how people experience love. Still, when researchers ask people about what makes them feel loved, the reasons they list don’t necessarily have to do with ideas like “words of affirmation” or “acts of service.” One study in 2013 found that their subjects listed acts that sorted themselves into categories of sacrificial, intimate, quality time, supportive, and comforting love. Another study in 2010 found that subjects thought it was important when their partners made an effort to get to know their friends and talked about the best ways to deal with fights.

Impett et al. argue that it’s a losing battle to try to fit the way people love into preexisting categories. “A more comprehensive understanding of how people communicate love,” they write, “would require a bottom-up approach.” A good researcher would let people tell them what they thought love languages looked like, rather than imposing their own categories on their subjects.

When researchers do work with Chapman’s five categories, they tend to find that people aren’t willing to confine themselves to one primary love language. When people are asked to rate the importance of each love language on a scale of 1 to 5, they tend to give all 4s and 5s. If you try to force their hand by designing a test that makes them choose one, the same person will end up with a different answer depending on how you administer the test.

Finally, researchers consistently find that there’s no correlation between matching love languages with your partner and reporting higher relationship satisfaction. It simply doesn’t seem to matter whether you and your partner are native speakers of the same love language.

What does seem to matter is whether you and your partners are willing to learn each other’s languages. Two different studies have found that when you perceive your partner as speaking your love language well, your relationship satisfaction goes up. Although Impett et al. critique the methodology of those studies, they seem to point to a pretty basic conclusion: If you and your partner have thought about how to express affection for one another, and you do it on a regular basis, you’re likely to be pretty happy. Used well, Chapman’s love languages can be an effective tool for getting there.

Chapman’s gender and sexual politics are pretty worrisome

Chapman has never claimed that the love languages are based on any kind of scientifically rigorous process. They have always been an impressionistic tool that comes from the observations he made during his time as a pastor, counseling couples at his Baptist church in North Carolina in the ’80s and ’90s. That’s a specific political and cultural context, and it informs the way the theory of the love languages developed.

In the 1992 edition of The 5 Love Languages , Chapman is explicit about the demographics of the couples he worked with. They are white, heterosexual, conservative Christian couples. The book is structured under the assumption that the wife will stay at home and care for the house and children while the husband goes to work to provide for her. It is a thoroughly heterosexual, monogamous book that chooses not to acknowledge the existence of queer people, to say nothing of poly or trans people.

As the debunking podcast If Books Could Kill laid out in April 2023, most of the couple fights Chapman uses as examples tend to involve wives nagging their husbands to take care of chores. In one case, Chapman explains to a henpecked husband that while he thinks the best way to express love is through sex (physical touch), his wife only experiences love if he helps her with vacuuming (acts of service). If the husband would just help out with vacuuming once in a while, Chapman goes on, the wife will feel just as loved as the husband does when they have sex. The idea that the wife might be interested in sex but can’t focus on it while never-ending housework piles up all around her is not one Chapman engages with.

The most infamous of these examples comes with the case study of Ann, who goes to Chapman for guidance in dealing with her husband’s cruelty. “Is it possible to love someone you hate?” she asks Chapman. In response, he gives her Bible passages about loving one’s enemies and tells her that her husband’s love language is probably physical touch. In order to save the marriage, he advises her, she should stop all complaints about her husband and start initiating sex at least twice a week.

Ann tells Chapman that sex with her husband is difficult for her because she feels so estranged from her husband. When they’re intimate, she says, she feels “used rather than loved.” Lots of women feel this way, Chapman tells her. Her Christian faith will help her through it. Ann does as Chapman tells her to, and the marriage is saved.

In later editions, Chapman revised this case study. ( He told the Washington Post that “physical abuse today is far more evident and apparent than it was when I wrote the book.”) In the new version, Chapman tells Ann to be more physically affectionate with her husband — ruffle his hair, kiss him on the cheek — and perhaps consider working her way up to initiating sex when their relationship has recovered some.

The new advice is less blatantly misogynistic than the advice of the first edition, but both contain the same underlying logic: If a woman’s husband is emotionally abusive toward her, it is her responsibility to coddle him and mollify him until he decides to treat her better. In real life, however, the only person who can control the behavior of an abuser is the abuser themselves.

Some of this ideology has made its way into the structure of the love language model. In their paper, Impett et al. note that some studies associate high relationship satisfaction with high respect for each other’s autonomy and personal goals outside of the relationship. Such egalitarian goals do not appear anywhere in Chapman’s models.

Instead of the love languages, consider aiming for a love diet

The love languages might be a flawed concept, but they speak deeply to thousands of people. Partly, that’s because people love a personality quiz, and the love languages come with one. But Chapman also had a key insight that he was able to express with the straightforward and intuitive metaphor of different languages: The way that you express and experience love might be different from the way your partner expresses and experiences love . That’s a valuable idea.

“If I had to pick one reason why I think many couples find Chapman’s book to be helpful,” says Park, “it is not because they learned their own or their partner’s love language but because it gets people to identify any currently unmet needs in their relationship and opens up lines of communication to address those needs.”

Still, the research suggests that adhering rigidly to the love language model won’t serve you well over time, in large part because it doesn’t match how human relationships work. We love in many ways, not just one.

“It is very likely that in one situation, someone might need a certain type of love or support,” says Park. “Perhaps after losing out on a promotion, you just need your partner to listen and provide you with words of affirmation. Maybe on an anniversary dinner, affection makes you feel special. Or during a particularly stressful time at work, having a partner take on extra household tasks is the best way to support you.”

In their paper, Impett et al. suggest replacing the metaphor of the love languages with a new one: the love diet.

“People should make sure they have a nutritionally balanced relationship,” they argue.

Under this metaphor, choosing one primary love language is something like a crash diet where you eat nothing but fruit, even though your body also needs carbs and fats and proteins to survive. For Impett et al., healthy relationships should prioritize quality time and physical touch, compliments and presents and helping each other out, plus all the other categories of love that don’t fit into Chapman’s model. “If they feel that something is missing,” the paper continues, “they could discuss that imbalance (unmet need) with their partner.”

Gary Chapman’s five love languages taught a lot of people how to start talking about their needs. It might be time for the conversation to evolve — perhaps over dinner.

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January 29, 2024

The 5 Love Languages Book Review: Can It Decode Love?

In our quest for bettering relationships, we recently got our hands on “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts,” and it’s been an insightful journey into the dynamics of love and companionship. With its straightforward approach to cultivating a deeper connection with partners, it’s clear why this book has been well-received.

Navigating through the 208 pages, we discovered Gary Chapman’s perspective on how to effectively communicate and express love. The content is not just theoretical; it incorporates real-life scenarios that make the concepts tangible and applicable in daily life. Readers have expressed how the book’s principles, when applied, have resulted in a positive transformation in their relationships.

Conversely, some have initially perceived the content as tactics for emotional manipulation, only to realize that understanding and practicing these love languages is more about genuine care and communication. Positive feedback includes stories of rekindled love and newfound appreciation between couples.

The book’s accessibility is bolstered by its availability in both audio and physical formats, catering to different readers’ preferences. This accessibility has been appreciated by many who have found it easier to digest and retain the content when engaging with it through multiple mediums.

Bottom Line

For those seeking to revitalize their relationship or foster a stronger connection with their partner, “The 5 Love Languages” offers timeless advice that’s been proven to work wonders.

It’s a tool that goes beyond mere theory, offering actionable steps that can lead to lasting love and understanding. Don’t hesitate to add this essential read to your collection and begin the journey to a more fulfilling relationship.

Click here to get your copy and start speaking the language of love more fluently.

Overview of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

In our journey to understand relationship dynamics, we’ve come across “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts,” a book that highlights the importance of understanding your partner’s love language. Based on the high ratings and sheer volume of feedback (over 90,000 ratings), it’s evident this book resonates with many.

The premise is straightforward yet profound: love can be expressed and received in five different ways—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Understanding your own and your partner’s primary love language can transform your relationship. While the concept may sound simplistic, it’s the depth of insights and practical advice that adds value.

The book is far from a perfect manual; some may find certain love languages less amply covered than others. Nevertheless, the benefits of increased communication and understanding between partners are undeniable. It encourages readers to look beyond the surface of everyday interactions, digging into the emotional bedrock that sustains lasting connections.

Key Features

In the landscape of relationship guides, “The 5 Love Languages” book stands out for its unique approach. We’ve recently had the chance to dive into its pages and extract the essence of what makes it so compelling. While it’s important to bear in mind that no book is a magic bullet for relationship woes, this one provides tools that can truly enrich relationship dynamics when applied thoughtfully.

Tailored Relationship Advice

One of the book’s most impactful elements is its tailored advice. It doesn’t employ a one-size-fits-all method; instead, it guides you to understand which specific love language your partner responds to:

• Words of Affirmation – For those who value verbal acknowledgments of affection.
• Quality Time – Focused, undivided attention is crucial for these individuals.
• Receiving Gifts – Here, meaningful gifts hold great value as a love symbol.
• Acts of Service – For whom actions speak louder than words.
• Physical Touch – This language includes everything from hand-holding to cuddling.

While every person may relate to all these languages, the book’s premise is that we often have a primary love language that resonates more with us than the others.

Practical Examples

The book doesn’t just theorize; it provides practical examples of how you can show love in ways that will be most meaningful to your partner based on their primary love language. What resonates with us is the simplicity of these examples:

• Drafting a heartfelt note for your words-of-affirmation partner.
• Setting up a phone-free dinner date for the quality-time aficionado.

These examples prove that acts of love need not be grandiose; it’s the thoughtfulness and personalization that count.

Real-Life Testimonials

Throughout the chapters, real-life testimonials showcase how myriad people have used the 5 love languages to turn their relationships around. These personal accounts make the principles in the book more relatable and credible:

• Happiness bloom – A spouse learns to speak their partner’s love language, leading to newfound happiness.
• Enhanced communication – Individuals who apply the concepts find that understanding each other’s love languages opens up communication pathways.

It becomes apparent that this book doesn’t just preach; it shows transformation through storytelling, which we find quite impactful.

Accessible Format

Lastly, the book is praised for its accessible format:

• Engaging audio versions – Perfect for those who absorb information better through listening.
• Concise and clear writing – The content is delivered in a manner that’s easy to understand, without unnecessary jargon or complexity.

Whether you prefer a physical copy to flip through or the convenience of an audiobook, “The 5 Love Languages” accommodates various preferences, making its insights reachable to a broad audience.

From our recent reading, we can affirm that “The 5 Love Languages” could very well serve as a tool for deepening connections. It shines in its practicality and applicability, although, as with any self-help resource, the results depend on the commitment and interpretation of its readers.

Pros and Cons

After spending quality time with “The 5 Love Languages,” it’s clear why it has become a cornerstone in relationship literature. Our insights highlight the practical wisdom found within its pages, balanced with an honest look at where it may not resonate with every reader.

• Actionable Concepts: Our experience found the book’s concepts incredibly actionable, providing clear guidance on nurturing relationships. Readers can employ the suggested techniques to better express and receive love, fostering more satisfying connections with their significant others.
• Relatable Scenarios: The examples in the book felt genuine and a mirror to everyday relationship dynamics, which made the content quite relatable. We found ourselves nodding along, recognizing patterns described in our own interactions.
• Broad Relevance: Whether single, dating, or married, the insights we gained can be applied across various stages of relationships. This versatility is a testament to the book’s substantial scope of impact on improving communication and understanding between partners.
• Overall Readability: The language is accessible and easily digestible, dispensing with complex jargon that often clouds self-help literature. It’s a breeze to read, which encourages thorough engagement with its lessons.
• Positive Outcomes: Adopting the strategies, even as a trial, resulted in a noticeable improvement in how we expressed affection and understood each other’s emotional needs. It truly serves as a useful tool for ameliorating the bond between partners.
• Perception of Manipulation: When initially delving into the strategies, they appear to be methods of manipulation. This perspective may initially unsettle some readers until they grasp the underlying intent of fostering genuine understanding and communication.
• Depth of Coverage: While touching upon a variety of key points, we observed that some readers might desire a deeper exploration of certain complex relationship issues. The book’s concise nature means it won’t have all the answers to every specific problem one might encounter.
• One-Size-Fits-All Approach: Not every recommendation might align with the unique circumstances or personalities in a relationship. We found that while the foundational advice is solid, individual adaptation is sometimes necessary for the concepts to be fully effective.
• Repetitiveness: Some sections of the book seemed repetitive, which might be intentional for reinforcement of important ideas, but could be perceived as padding to some readers.

Our journey through the book revealed the practical power of understanding and applying the five love languages. While there are minor caveats to consider, it’s undeniable that this book offers valuable strategies for deepening relationship bonds.

How This Book Benefits Your Relationship

When we picked up “The 5 Love Languages,” we were curious to see if it could truly enhance our relationships. It’s easy to think that a book might not have much impact, but this one took us by surprise. Its core principle is simple: understanding how our partners express and receive love can transform our connection with them. Our experience with the book showed us that it goes beyond the surface of communication, offering practical and insightful ways to identify and speak each other’s love language.

One evident advantage for us was the improvement in expressing affection effectively. What seemed like routine interactions became more meaningful. Even during disagreements, recalling the insights from the book guided us to approach each other with more empathy. We noticed a shift in our dynamic as we started implementing the author’s suggestions, leading to a deeper understanding and respect for one another’s emotional needs.

Not everything in the book was a perfect match for our situation, but that’s the beauty of it. It encourages a customizable approach to building and maintaining a healthy relationship. While the content is broadly applicable, everyone’s relationship is unique, and the book respects that by offering a flexible framework rather than rigid rules. Whether you’re just starting a new relationship or looking to rekindle the flame in a longstanding partnership, “The 5 Love Languages” gives you tools that can lead to more joy and fulfillment together.

Customer Reviews

We’ve scoured the feedback from readers who have dived into “The 5 Love Languages” and found an overwhelming sense of appreciation for its insights. With a remarkable average rating of 4.8 from over 91,000 reviews, it’s clear that many have found real value in Chapman’s work. As we sifted through the testimonials, we noticed a common theme: a transformation in how readers approach their relationships.

Some reviewers initially approached the book with skepticism, suspecting it of offering mere manipulation tactics, but those hesitations were often replaced by revelations about the depth and practicality of the advice given. Many shared stories of rejuvenated relationships and increased satisfaction after applying the book’s principles, not just in marriages but across all forms of personal connections.

In the realm of criticism, a few found some concepts to be slightly repetitive, and some wished for more depth in certain areas, implying the book might benefit from additional content in future editions. However, these points did not detract significantly from the overall positive reception.

It’s worth mentioning that the book’s approach resonates with both singles and couples, indicating its versatility in addressing the needs and growth of various types of relationships. It seems that “The 5 Love Languages” has made quite an impact on its readers, providing them with a toolkit for nurturing and understanding their love bonds more profoundly.

After spending time with “The 5 Love Languages,” we’ve found that it has a wealth of insights applicable to both fresh and seasoned relationships. Despite initial skepticism, the concepts have grown on us, showing how understanding and applying different communication of affection can positively transform relationships. It’s more than a theoretical guide; it’s a practical tool for connecting and repairing the intimacy in partnerships.

The book isn’t without its critics—some may view it as an oversimplification of human emotional needs. Yet, we can’t ignore the plethora of positive outcomes it’s had for countless readers, as evidenced by the high volume of supportive reviews. We appreciate that the strategies it discusses are straightforward and actionable, aimed at fostering deeper understanding and care between partners.

For anyone willing to look beyond surface-level techniques and explore meaningful ways to enrich their relationships, this book is a compelling read. Whether reading alone or discussing with a significant other, it offers a clear path toward speaking a partner’s emotional language and nurturing a lasting bond.

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Every christian's journey toward eternity…, the five love languages: book review and summary.

This post is about the book, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman . On this page, you will read about its book review, book summary, best quotes, and the key lessons from the book.

Table of Contents

The Five Love Languages in three sentences

The Five Love Languages talks about the five different ways people communicate and interpret love. By knowing the specific love language of your spouse, you will have a richer and more intimate relationship. This book will give you practical and relevant wisdom in handling marital conflicts and promoting love in your marriage.

Content at a glance

Who is gary chapman, what are the five love languages, 5 love languages book summary, related books, 5 love languages book review, negative reviews of 5 love languages, lessons from 5 love language book, best quotes from the 5 love languages book, read the five love languages book.

🚨 SUPER IMPORTANT TO READ: 🚨 Editor’s note: This list of books is intended to be used for informational purposes only. Moreover, I have my own fundamental beliefs that may differ from that of the authors, creators, and sellers of the products featured here. Moreover, you can also choose to read books I have written or enroll in my best online course . Ultimately, whatever books you choose in this list, make sure you study your Bible first because it is always the best of the best books of all time Here’s a list of Bibles that you should have. Finally, I am an Amazon Affiliate Program participant . As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases at no additional cost to you. I would highly appreciate it if you buy books through my site . Thank you!

Dr. Gary Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor in the United States. He is also a speaker and author who have written tens of books, which include his most popular book, “The Five Love Languages.

At the time of this writing, he is the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary travels the world to give seminars about relationships and parenting. He also gives radio talks that air on more than 400 stations.

Here’s a complete list of his books .

Here’s a quick look at the five love languages detailed in Gary Chapman’s book:

Words of Affirmation

People express their love through words of affirmation or words that express appreciation, praise, and love. 

People who have words of affirmation as their love language feel loved when you appreciate them and hear kind words from them.

Quality Time

Quality time is a love language spoken through giving your loved one your undivided attention. People who have this love language thrive not just by the amount you spend with each other, but by how you spend time together.

Physical Touch

When a person’s love language is physical touch, he/she gives love by touching people. In return, he/she feels love when receiving physical affection. 

For example, some men feel loved when they have sex. Some women love when their partner runs their hand down her/his back. Sometimes, physical touch is done through holding hands, cuddling on the couch, touching arms, hugging, or even giving a quick massage.

Acts of Service

A person who loves to serve other people is most likely a person who speaks the acts of service love language. This person likes to help in doing house chores, repairing things around the house, running errands, and whatever service they can provide.

As a result, they also feel loved when their spouse does things for them.

Receiving Gifts

Receiving gifts is a love language that makes a person feel loved when they receive gifts. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. A simple handwritten letter or a handmade gift is enough for a person with this love language to feel valued and cared for.

On the other hand, people who love to receive gifts also give out gifts as a way for them to love others.

⚠️ Must read: Sometimes, it is easy to know your love language. However, this is not always the case. You can take the 30-question quiz from the official website of 5 Love Language to know your dominant love language.

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The 5 Love Languages was written by Gary Chapman in 1992. It outlines the five ways how people feel loved and express love. These five languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, and words of affirmation.

In the book, you will read the practical applications of each love language. Mr. Chapman used real-life situations and stories to discuss concepts and convey his message.

The author theorized that the reason married couples become estranged from each other is that they don’t speak the right language.

There’s a conflict because one spouse thinks he is giving love, but the other doesn’t interpret it as love because she has a different concept of what it means to be loved.

For Mr. Chapman, married couples would become more in tune with their spouse’s needs when they know this love language, speak the right love dialect, and improve how they communicate. In a way, this is the best method of filling the emotional tank of each other.

The book has sold millions of copies since it was first published. On January 1, 2015, a revised edition was released which is what you most likely read today.

Because of the great success and popularity of the 5 Love Languages, Mr. Chapman wrote related books that are addressed to various groups:

• The Five Love Languages Military Edition
• The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace
• The Five Love Languages for Singles
• The 5 Love Languages for Men
• The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers
• The Five Love Languages of Children
• The 5 Apology Languages
• The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional

There’s a reason that the 5 Love Languages book of Gary Chapman has remained one of the top books about marriage. It has consistently topped the best book sellers list .

Here are the things that I love about the book:

Practical application

The book comes with wise and actionable insights. It doesn’t simply tell about marriage principles, highfalutin words of wisdom, relationship jargon, and theories.

When you understand the love language of your mate, a light bulb instantly sparked. You will better know how to express love and how you can become a better partner.

Easy to read and understand

The writer is no doubt a prolific author. Not only that, but I believe Mr. Chapman has a wonderful team of proofreaders and publishers who make sure that the book is written in the best way possible.

Helpful advice

I believe the best thing about this book is that what it says actually works!

When I learned that my wife’s love language is acts of service, I was amazed at how washing the dishes, taking out the trash, and sweeping the floor make her feel loved!

I told my wife that my love language is words of affirmation and because of that, she gives me more kind and encouraging words.

I believe if this worked in our relationship, then it can also work for others and that’s exactly what I also discover in other married couples. They applied the principles in this book and see a great improvement in their relationship.

⚠️ Must read: If you are looking for other books to read, check out my ultimate list of the best Christian books of all time .

Personally, I would highly recommend people to read this book and not just the married couples. The book comes with super helpful and practical tips on how to make relationships work.

Now, I went to see what others say about this book. On Amazon, it has a rating of 4.8 out of 5 stars from more than 60,500 reviewers.

So, dominantly, there are a lot of positive reviews. However, there are also those that are negative.

I think the primary reason people don’t like this book is that it is written by a Christian . I read the book and I could see that there’s a minimal Christian element in the book. Although, you can easily surmise that it is written by a Christian fellow.

With this in mind, if you don’t believe in God, then this book isn’t for it. If you don’t mind a little Christianity in the book, then I would suggest you still read it.

Moreover, some reviewers say that the book is old-fashioned and should also include non-traditional marriage settings like homosexual marriages.

Well, if that’s what they want, then they should not read this book. It is ridiculous to read a book and expect it to conform to your values and give it a negative review simply because it didn’t meet your belief.

After reading the book, there are a lot of things I have learned. However, I would just like to share this lesson, which I believe is something we all need to take note of.

The lesson is this:

Love is a choice.

True love isn’t simply a fuzzy and warm feeling you have inside you. Love is a choice because when the reality of marriage hits you, you will soon realize that a lot of expectations are not met.

There are times when you will not feel the “love” you used to have with your spouse. There are times as well that you will hate your spouse. Not only that, there are times when you wish you were in a different situation.

That’s why love is a CHOICE. You choose to still love your spouse even if the “feeling” isn’t there. You still choose to love even if you don’t feel like it.

Remember that marriage brings two entirely different people. They have different upbringings, personalities, and habits.

There will come a time when the two will clash. Marital misunderstanding and fights are not a question of if, but when. 

Conflicts are bound to happen.

In those moments, you will need to choose whether to still love your spouse or not.

This is what true love means.

True love demands great effort, discipline, and conscious decision. 

We may all have different love languages. We feel and express love in different ways. That’s why you must be willing to speak the love language of your spouse even if you don’t feel like it.

Because that’s what love is really about. Doing something that you might not like but you still do it anyway because it is what makes your spouse feel loved.

Love is an outgoing concern and care. It is not selfish. It always thinks about the welfare of the other person. You make decisions, not by yourself, but you make decisions together.

Now, here’s the good news. 

Because love is a choice then it means we are all capable of loving. 

We are creatures of decisions we make. Thus, we need to make sure that our decision leads to a loving and caring relationship.

We can all make that choice to love rather than to hate, to care rather than ignore, to build rather than destroy, to compliment rather than to nag, to forgive rather than to be bitter, to encourage rather than to degrade, and to help rather than to disregard.

Again, love is a choice.

The moment you say, “I don’t love her/him anymore,” that’s the time you decide not to love. It is not because you simply fell out of love, but you simply gave up. A lot of marriages end up with this statement as if they are helpless, as if they don’t have a choice, as if they can’t do anything about it anymore.

It is actually not a reason good enough to leave a marriage, but rather it is just a mere excuse. Remember that you made a commitment before God and other people that you will love each other in health and sickness, in abundance and scarcity, and in life and death.

This one thing is true: love is something you do for your spouse. It is not something you do for yourself.

Love is a choice and you can start choosing to love today.

Here are some of the best quotes worth reading:

• What good is the house, the cars, the place at the beach, or any of the rest of it if your wife doesn’t love you?
• Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments.
• The eternality of the “in love” experience is fiction, not fact.
• The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history… We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history
• Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.
• Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage, we do not always do the best or right thing.
• Love makes requests not demands…. however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant.
• Many of us are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.
• Gifts are visual symbols of love.
• We are creatures of choice… Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
• With empty love tanks, couples tend to argue and withdraw, and some may tend to be violent verbally or physically in their arguments. But when the love tank is full, we create a climate of friendliness, a climate that seeks to understand, that is willing to allow differences, and to negotiate problems.

⚠️ Must read: You can read more inspiring quotes in my post entitled, “ The Best Christian Quotes of All Time. “

There you have it, friends, my book review and a summary of the book, The Five Love Languages. I highly recommend you read this book if you wish you learn how to make relationships work. Single or married, you will surely benefit from this book.

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Greater Good Science Center • Magazine • In Action • In Education

Is There Science Behind the Five Love Languages?

Love languages—the concept coined by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman some 30 years ago—has taken the relationships world by storm. It’s often the “go-to” topic on first dates, and, for those in relationships, love languages are said to provide deep, meaningful, and reliable insights into how relationships function. Putting love languages into action is believed to increase relationship happiness.

The concept clearly has appeal. At last count, 20 million copies have been sold worldwide of Chapman’s 1992 book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts . The book has been translated into 49 languages.

There is only one catch. There is little evidence to support the idea that love languages are “a thing,” or that love languages do much of anything to help improve relationships.

What are the love languages?

According to Chapman , there are five love languages. Each of these love languages is a way to communicate your love to your romantic partner.

In his role as a Baptist pastor, Chapman had been counselling couples for years. It was through his observations of couples that the idea of love languages was born.

He believed love languages were an intuitive and simple way to teach couples about how to tune into each other’s ways of expressing love. And so, he began running seminars for husbands and wives, and the popularity of his seminars grew.

The five love languages are:

• acts of service (doing something that helps a partner, such as running an errand)
• physical touch (demonstrating physical affection, such as giving your partner a hug or kiss)
• quality time (spending time together and giving each other undivided attention)
• gifts (giving your partner a present that communicates thoughtfulness, effort, or expense)
• words of affirmation (such as expressing your admiration, or complimenting your partner).

Chapman suggests that people typically use all love languages, but that most people tend to rely on one love language most of the time. This is referred to as a person’s primary love language.

According to Chapman, people are more satisfied in their relationships when both partners match when it comes to their primary love language. However, people experience less satisfaction in their relationships when both partners do not share the same primary love language.

Another important aspect of the love languages concept is that relationships are likely to deliver the greatest satisfaction when a person can understand their partner’s love language, and act in ways that “speak to” their partner’s language. In essence, this idea is about tuning in to what a partner wants.

This is an idea that has existed across many models and theories about how relationships function well. That is, responding to a partner in a way that meets their needs and wants makes a person feel understood, validated, and cared for .

What does the evidence tell us?

Despite the popularity of the theory of love languages, only a handful of studies have been conducted and reported over the past 30 years. Research is largely inconclusive, although the balance sways more toward refuting rather than endorsing the love languages concept.

Let’s start with how love languages are assessed. In popular culture, the Love Language Quiz TM is an online questionnaire that people can complete to find out about their love languages. Despite millions of individuals having taken the quiz (according to 5lovelanguages.com), there are no published findings as to the reliability and validity of the measure.

Researchers have developed their own version of the love languages survey, but the findings did not meet the statistical thresholds to suggest the survey adequately captured the five love languages. Also, their findings did not support the idea that there are five love languages.

Furthermore, a qualitative study, in which researchers coded the written responses of undergraduate students to questions about how they express love, suggested there may be six love languages. However, the researchers reported difficulty agreeing on how some of the students’ responses neatly fitted into Chapman’s love languages, particularly in the categories of “words of affirmation” and “quality time.”

Next, let’s turn to research testing a core premise of the love language theory: that couples with matching love languages experience greater satisfaction than those who do not. Evidence for this premise is very mixed.

Three studies , including one that used Chapman’s Love Language Quiz, have found that couples with matching love languages were no more satisfied than couples who were mismatched.

However, a more recent study found that partners with matching love languages experienced greater relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners with mismatched love languages. This research also found that men who reported greater empathy and perspective taking had a love language that better matched the language of their partner.

Finally, what does the research say about whether having a better understanding of your partner’s love language is linked to higher relationship satisfaction? Only two studies have investigated this question. Both found that knowing your partner’s primary love language did predict relationship satisfaction in the present or into the future.

So, as you can see, not only is there very little research investigating love languages, but the research to date doesn’t strengthen belief in the powerful properties of love languages.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article .

About the Author

Gery Karantzas

Gery Karantzas, Ph.D. , is currently a professor and director of the Science of Adult Relationships (SoAR) Laboratory in the School of Psychology at Deakin University. He is also a couples therapist and was the former national convener of the Australian Psychological Society Psychology of Relationships Interest Group.

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Project Life Mastery

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages Book Review

I just finished reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and it was a fantastic book for singles, those in relationships, and especially those who are married.  I heard so much about the book from friends and it wasn't until I was in an airport and saw it on a shelf that I decided to read it.  Another motive for reading the book was because I have recently entered into a new relationship with a girl and thought it'd be useful to read a book on love.

Gary Chapman reveals that there are 5 Love Languages, or 5 ways for us to communicate love to one another, which is different for everybody.  It's important for you to figure out exactly what it takes for YOU to be loved, as well as what it takes for your LOVED ONES to be loved.  The mistake that many people make is that they assume that their partner has the same love language as them, which isn't true.  And whenever you don't feel loved in a relationship, or your “love tank is empty” as Gary Chapman says, the relationship is in danger.

Let me reveal to you the 5 Love Languages below so that you can better understand things:

1) Words of Affirmation

Some people feel most loved when they receive words of affirmation from their loved ones.  It may be being told “I love you”, or being praised, complimented, appreciated, supported, or encouraged.  Essentially, having affirming words will make you feel loved if this is your primary love language.

2) Quality Time

For some people, words of affirmation aren't it… they'll complain that “They say they love me, but they don't spend any quality time with me!”  If this is your case, then quality time may be your love language.  This can be someone listening to you, doing things with you, sharing experiences, looking into the other persons eyes, etc…  It's important for this person to be fully present and with you when they're spending time with you, so watching TV while your partner is talking to you doesn't count and isn't giving them your full attention.

3) Receiving Gifts

Receiving gifts may be your primary love language if you feel most loved when someone buys you gifts, whether it be small or big.  This may show you that this person really cares and you really appreciate anything that is given to you.  It could be receiving flowers, chocolates, cards, notes, etc… any gesture that is a gift will make you feel loved.

4) Acts of Service

Some complain that they want you to SHOW THEM that you love them, not tell them.  “Talk is cheap”, as the saying goes.  These people need acts of service, which is when others do things for them.  Someone with acts of service as their primary love language will feel most loved when someone cleans the house, does the dishes, laundry, cooks, helps them with projects or tasks, etc…  When someone does something for them, they feel loved.

5) Physical Touch

Lastly, physical touch may be your primary love language if you require physical affection to be loved.  It could be holding hands, being kissed, hugging, brief touches, or even sex.

Which Is Your Primary Love Language?

As mentioned earlier, we all have a primary love language.  While you may say, “All are important to me” , there is one that is the most dominant and vital for you to be loved consistently.  I had a difficult time with this, but after fully going through the book and doing their love language profile in the book and on their website, I am absolutely clear on what mine is.  The order of my love languages are:

1) Words of Affirmation 2) Physical Touch 3) Quality Time 4) Receiving Gifts 5) Acts of Service

If you want to find out what your love language is, I recommend you fill out the free love language profile on their website by clicking here .  I've had my girlfriend do it, and even friends and family members – it's extremely useful.

Your Love Tank

Gary Chapman often talks about when your “love tank” is empty, that's when a relationship is most in danger.  When you don't feel loved, it's the scariest thing on earth and you will often withdraw from your partner and won't be focused on loving them very much.  Gary shares countless examples in the book of marriages that are turned around simply by discovering their partners love language and focusing on making their partner feel loved.  Even partners that are mean-spirited, abusive and ignoring their partner have totally turned around simply by having their love tank filled up by their partner.  It's really remarkable to learn the power of this.

A good question to ask yourself, and your partner regularly is:

On a scale from 1-10, how full is your love tank right now?

Whatever the answer is, you want to make sure you focus on making your partner feel more loved by you.  One of my favourite beliefs about relationships is that a relationship is a place you go to GIVE, not to GET – and it's so true.  If you're focused on meeting your partners needs, you will have a love slave.

Overall, this was a remarkable book and I'm so happy that I read it, as my relationship with my parents, friends, and girlfriend has improved because of it.  I've told my parents and people in my life what my love language is and now I constantly feel more loved – it's amazing!

To check out The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman on Amazon.com, click here .

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We provide world-class content, training, and coaching to maximize the potential in your personal and business life. Everything from physical fitness, to emotional mindset, to relationships, to your financial freedom blend together to turn you into an unstoppably extraordinary person with an unstoppably extraordinary life.

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The 5 Love Languages Summary

1-Sentence-Summary: The 5 Love Languages shows couples how to make their love last by learning to recognize the unique way their partner feels love.

Favorite quote from the author:

Table of Contents

Video Summary

The 5 love languages review, audio summary, who would i recommend the 5 love languages summary to.

Anyone who has experienced romantic love can tell you that falling in love is easy. The hard part, especially in today’s world, is staying in love . So many couples drift apart. Distractions , conflicts, miscommunications , and boredom can get in the way of what was once a magical relationship. Staying in love takes work. Relationships need careful and attentive nurturing.

In The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts , we learn the remedy for all problems modern couples face. Dr. Gary Chapman is a marriage counselor who has found a proven method for making love last. He has given 15 million people improved relationships by teaching them their love languages, and he will help you identify yours.

Here are 3 of the most lovely lessons from this book:

• As your relationship matures, communication is key.
• There are 5 different ways people give and show love.
• Identify your and your partner’s love language to deepen intimacy.

Are you ready to learn how to grow closer to the people you love most? Let’s learn how!

If you want to save this summary for later, download the free PDF and read it whenever you want.

Lesson 1: As your relationship changes, communication will make it last.

Falling in love is amazing. There’s blushing, butterflies, flirting, and infatuation. We see the world through rose-colored glasses that can blur even our best judgment. As unromantic as it may sound, it’s driven by the instinctual drive to continue our species.

After around two years, however, those relationships based purely on romance will deteriorate. Reality creeps in, and couples start to have to work to meet each other’s emotional needs .

How do we make sure that we meet these necessities? Cultivate a relationship that allows for open and honest communication. As the excitement of new romance fades, we need to make sure that we can understand each other.

The best way to communicate as love matures is to find your companion’s love language.

Just like talking to someone who speaks an unfamiliar language, effectively communicating with your partner when you don’t speak the same love language is hard. The next lesson introduces us to the five different love languages to help you understand your significant other on a deeper, more intimate level.

Lesson 2: The five love languages are the different ways in which we express that we love someone.

Most languages have ways beyond words to express yourself. The same goes for love: There are different ways to show it. Here are five Chapman describes:

• Words of Affirmation . Words of praise and encouragement are a powerful way to share love for someone. To speak this language, you give verbal compliments often. Make sure they know you love their smile, their sense of humor, or that new outfit.
• Quality Time . Work and busy lives can get in the way of this love language all too easily. We can be in the same room as our partner and still fail to actually ‘be’ with them because of our electronics. The key to quality time is undivided attention. It can either be quality conversations or quality activities with your partner, like date night.
• Gift Giving . For some, gifts are a physical symbol of how their partner feels about them. Remember that it doesn’t matter how much it costs; it’s just the act of going out and getting or making a gift for your partner that will show them how you feel about them.
• Acts of Service . This is helping your partner with the things with which you know they would appreciate help. It can be things like helping the kids with homework, doing bills, or vacuuming, and will be different for everyone.
• Physical Touch . Even in infancy, humans need physical touch to thrive. We often forget, but this carries on into adulthood as well. Some ways you can express love in this way are holding hands, cuddling, kissing, or sex . Of course, find out what kinds of physical contact they like most, and this will deepen your intimacy.

Remember: There are many ways to show someone you love them . Be sure to use them all!

Lesson 3: To be closer with your significant other, learn each other’s love languages.

Now that you know the five love languages, you can figure out what your primary language is. Then, with the help of your partner, discover what theirs is.

Pinpointing your own is pretty easy: ask yourself what you most often request from your partner. Maybe you have been asking for help with the laundry or asking your partner if you both can put the kids to bed a little earlier so you can spend time together.

It can also help to think of what has made you feel most loved and appreciated in the past, whether it was a physical gesture, a gift, or a compliment.

Once you figure out what you enjoy, it’s time to find your pain points. Hurtful relationship experiences from your past can guide you to your love language. Think of times your emotional needs went unmet, or you were disappointed in a relationship.

It’s helpful to think of family relationships in childhood, because these shape the way we are as adults. If these experiences fall into the same category as a love language, like disappointing gifts, or a lack of time spent with you, then that is probably your love language.

After discovering your language, share it with your partner. Help them discover theirs. Once you both understand each other’s primary language, it will be much easier to meet each other’s needs.

You can help your partner feel more loved, appreciated, and understood the way it means most to them. Best of all, you can communicate to them how much you love them, and this will be the groundwork for building a fulfilling relationship that lasts.

The 5 Love Languages is essential for anyone who is in a serious relationship or ever plans to be in one. It will help couples understand each other better by teaching them how to find what their love language is. By explaining the love languages, it serves as a guide so couples can communicate better and build a relationship that lasts.

Listen to the audio of this summary with a free reading.fm account:

The 40-year-old married couple who feels that their love is waning, the 26-year-old newlyweds who are wanting to set solid ground for their marriage, and anyone in a relationship or considering one.

Last Updated on August 16, 2022

Luke Rowley

With over 450 summaries that he contributed to Four Minute Books, first as a part-time writer, then as our full-time Managing Editor until late 2021, Luke is our second-most prolific writer. He's also a professional, licensed engineer, working in the solar industry. Next to his day job, he also runs Goal Engineering, a website dedicated to achieving your goals with a unique, 4-4-4 system. Luke is also a husband, father, 75 Hard finisher, and lover of the outdoors. He lives in Utah with his wife and 3 kids.

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The 5 Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman

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Rating: 4/5

The Book in Three Sentences

• People speak different love languages
• After many years of marriage counseling, Chapman’s conclusion is that there are five emotional love languages—five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
• Chapman believes that once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.

The Five Big Ideas

• We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever. However, once the experience of falling in love has run its course, we return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves.
• Some couples believe that the end of the “in-love” experience means they have only two options: a life of misery with their spouse or jump ship and try again.
• However, there is a third and better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue “real love” with our spouse.
• Your partner’s complaints are the most powerful indicators of her primary love language.
• There is nothing more powerful than loving your partner even when they’re not responding positively.

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The 5 love languages.

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

The 5 Love Languages Summary

Chapman is convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile.

When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and they feel secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach their highest potential in life.

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.

Giving verbal compliments is one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words.

We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.

Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another.

We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday.

When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are introducing the element of choice. This is important because we cannot get emotional love by way of demand.

If your mate’s primary love language is quality time, your spouse simply wants you, being with them, spending time.

Spending time with your mate in a common pursuit communicates that you care about each other, that you enjoy being with each other, that you like to do things together.

One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, Chapman means sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.

We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.

Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot.”

One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them. Chapman calls this the “Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage.

The essential ingredients in a quality activity are:

• At least one of you wants to do it
• The other is willing to do it
• Both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together.

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.”

Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

By acts of service, Chapman means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.

Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love our spouses. If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse requests will make our love most effective emotionally.

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.

A common mistake many men make is assuming that physical touch is their primary love language because they desire sexual intercourse so intensely.

Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

If your deepest pain is the critical, judgmental words of your spouse, then perhaps your love language is words of affirmation.

Chapman suggests three ways to discover your own primary love language:

• What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
• What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
• In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day. Chapman calls this “The disequilibrium of the ‘in-love’ experience.”

Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.

Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.

• How does your spouse respond when you try to show affection?
• On a scale of 0–10, how full is your love tank?
• Can you pinpoint a time in your marriage when “reality” set in? How did this affect your relationship, for better or worse?
• What would you most like to hear your spouse say to you?
• What in your marriage detracts from spending quality time?
• Reflect on ways to give gifts even if finances are tight.
• Many acts of service will involve household chores, but not all. What are some non-chore ways of serving your mate?
• Recall some non-sexual “touching times” that enhanced intimacy between the two of you.
• Do you think by now you have a good sense of what your spouse’s love language is? How about them for you? What more could you do to explore this?
• A key thought here is the idea of speaking our mate’s love language whether or not it is natural for us. Why is this so fundamental to a healthy marriage?
• What does your spouse do to make you feel more “significant”? How about what you do for them?

Recommended Reading

If you like The 5 Love Languages , you may also enjoy the following books:

• Awaken The Giant Within : How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny by Anthony Robbins
• Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey

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The 5 Love Languages Explained

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You don't need relationship experience to know that everybody loves differently. How we love has everything to do with who we are as individuals and the experiences we've had. Realizing this difference could result in communication problems — or successes! Marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D. created the concept of the five love languages, and relationships have been better for it ever since.

According to Chapman's 1992 book, " The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts ," everyone has a love language, and knowing our own as well as the languages of those around us can make for greater relationship satisfaction through better communication. "After many years of counseling couples in crisis and taking notes during each session, I sat down one day and began thinking about what it takes for a person to feel loved," Chapman told  HuffPost . "It became apparent to me that what makes one person feel loved isn't always the same for their spouse or partner. I discovered every person understands and receives love in a specific language, one of five to be precise."

It's important to understand that, although everyone has a primary love language that they tend to "speak," many of us have bits and pieces of the other love languages in us as well. Also, while Chapman's original concept had only five love languages, three new love languages have been added to account for changing needs in relationships and communication. Not sure what yours is? No worries, we got you. 

Read more: A Crash Course On Dirty Talk (Because We're Awkward Too)

Words Of Affirmation

If someone's love language is words of affirmation, it doesn't mean that they need to be told that they're loved all day long. It goes beyond that — although for these people, "I love you" will never get old — and should convey appreciation, encouragement, and a whole slew of other positive feelings too. 

"One way to define [words of affirmation] would be words of appreciation or words of praise," licensed professional psychologist Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D. told  Prevention . "Think about how to give somebody words of affirmation that are about their being ... that have to do with the personal qualities that this person brings: how generous they are, how kind they are, how smart they are, how flexible they are, how gentle, kind, or compassionate they are." Then say those words out loud to them or, if you want to put in more effort, write it down.

In practice, words of affirmation can look like sending a thoughtful, supportive text message to your partner just because, or reminding them on a cute post-it how much they matter and how you value everything they do. It's about making them feel revered and doing so honestly and authentically.

Quality Time

For people whose love language is quality time, they feel most loved when they're getting 100% of their partner's attention. What this means is that spending time together while watching Netflix or while you both doom-scroll on Instagram doesn't count. The only way to successfully speak the language of quality time is to be completely engaged, focused, and free from any and all distractions. You want to actively listen to your partner when they talk and thoughtfully respond. It's about being present, open, and vulnerable. The best way to do this for them is to actually make time for it, as opposed to just leaving it up to chance.

According to a March 2023 YouGov poll , the most common love language, at 30%, is quality time. In other words, even if it's not your love language or that of your partner, there's a very good chance that you're going to meet someone who has it. So you might want to start mastering those skills now. 

Acts Of Service

Acts of service are all about giving a helping hand and, ideally, doing it for your partner before they ask. "This love language is for people who believe that actions speak louder than words," couples' psychotherapist Fariha Mahmud-Syed, MFT, CFLE told  Mind Body Green . "Unlike those who prefer to hear how much they're cared for, people on this list like to be shown how they're appreciated."

If your partner's love language is acts of service, then it's up to you to really pay attention so you can do what it takes to make things smoother in their life. It's about listening to them and staying ahead of their concerns so they know they're not just loved, but their needs are recognized. If they have a deadline at work that they're stressed about, or not enough hours in the day to do everything they need to do, stepping up to the plate to help out is exactly how they're going to feel most loved. It involves reading between the lines and noticing where you can lighten the load. 

Receiving Gifts

Sometimes people tend to think that gift-giving as a love language is materialistic and maybe even greedy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. For those whose love language is receiving gifts, they don't need extravagance to feel loved. For them, it's genuinely the thought that truly counts.

"If one's love language is gift giving, it simply means that one received early in life the clear communication that giving a gift is an important, acceptable, and/or clear way to show others how you feel about them and that you love and appreciate them," licensed clinical psychologist Juanita Guerra, Ph.D. told  Women's Health . Even something minute, but tangible and thoughtful can really go a long way for these people. What's also great about gift receivers is that, in turn, they love to give gifts to show their affection and appreciation. And because they put a lot of thought into what they're giving, they always give the best gifts too.

Physical Touch

While someone whose love language is physical touch isn't necessarily ruling out sexual activity, their needs regarding communicating love are more about hugging, kissing, holding hands, and just being physically close. "Physical touch, specifically cuddling, releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone that makes you feel like nothing can hurt you," behavioral scientist and relationship coach, Clarissa Silva told  Verywell Mind . "In addition to the bonding [cuddling] creates between the couple, it also helps boost your immune system." These are the people who have had a taste of oxytocin, became hooked, and want more — or all of it, to be exact.

While knowing your loved ones' love language can be beneficial, there can also be a learning curve. If your love language is receiving gifts and your partner's is quality time, you both might have your work cut out for you in the beginning, but it's work that will be worth it. "When we know how we experience love and also understand the ways that our partner experiences love, it helps us create a meaningful, healthy, authentic connection," licensed clinical psychologist Avigail Lev, Psy.D. told  Forbes . Granted, that doesn't guarantee relationship perfection, but it does get people one step closer to it. 

Read the original article on Women .

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Is There Science Behind the Five Love Languages?

Love languages—the concept coined by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman some 30 years ago—has taken the relationships world by storm. It’s often the “go-to” topic on first dates, and, for those in relationships, love languages are said to provide deep, meaningful, and reliable insights into how relationships function. Putting love languages into action is believed to increase relationship happiness.

The concept clearly has appeal. At last count, 20 million copies have been sold worldwide of Chapman’s 1992 book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts . The book has been translated into 49 languages.

There is only one catch. There is little evidence to support the idea that love languages are “a thing,” or that love languages do much of anything to help improve relationships.

What are the love languages?

According to Chapman , there are five love languages. Each of these love languages is a way to communicate your love to your romantic partner.

In his role as a Baptist pastor, Chapman had been counselling couples for years. It was through his observations of couples that the idea of love languages was born.

He believed love languages were an intuitive and simple way to teach couples about how to tune into each other’s ways of expressing love. And so, he began running seminars for husbands and wives, and the popularity of his seminars grew.

The five love languages are:

• acts of service (doing something that helps a partner, such as running an errand)
• physical touch (demonstrating physical affection, such as giving your partner a hug or kiss)
• quality time (spending time together and giving each other undivided attention)
• gifts (giving your partner a present that communicates thoughtfulness, effort, or expense)
• words of affirmation (such as expressing your admiration, or complimenting your partner).

Chapman suggests that people typically use all love languages, but that most people tend to rely on one love language most of the time. This is referred to as a person’s primary love language.

According to Chapman, people are more satisfied in their relationships when both partners match when it comes to their primary love language. However, people experience less satisfaction in their relationships when both partners do not share the same primary love language.

Another important aspect of the love languages concept is that relationships are likely to deliver the greatest satisfaction when a person can understand their partner’s love language, and act in ways that “speak to” their partner’s language. In essence, this idea is about tuning in to what a partner wants.

This is an idea that has existed across many models and theories about how relationships function well. That is, responding to a partner in a way that meets their needs and wants makes a person feel understood, validated, and cared for .

What does the evidence tell us?

Despite the popularity of the theory of love languages, only a handful of studies have been conducted and reported over the past 30 years. Research is largely inconclusive, although the balance sways more toward refuting rather than endorsing the love languages concept.

Let’s start with how love languages are assessed. In popular culture, the Love Language Quiz TM is an online questionnaire that people can complete to find out about their love languages. Despite millions of individuals having taken the quiz (according to 5lovelanguages.com), there are no published findings as to the reliability and validity of the measure.

Researchers have developed their own version of the love languages survey, but the findings did not meet the statistical thresholds to suggest the survey adequately captured the five love languages. Also, their findings did not support the idea that there are five love languages.

Furthermore, a qualitative study, in which researchers coded the written responses of undergraduate students to questions about how they express love, suggested there may be six love languages. However, the researchers reported difficulty agreeing on how some of the students’ responses neatly fitted into Chapman’s love languages, particularly in the categories of “words of affirmation” and “quality time.”

Next, let’s turn to research testing a core premise of the love language theory: that couples with matching love languages experience greater satisfaction than those who do not. Evidence for this premise is very mixed.

Three studies , including one that used Chapman’s Love Language Quiz, have found that couples with matching love languages were no more satisfied than couples who were mismatched.

However, a more recent study found that partners with matching love languages experienced greater relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners with mismatched love languages. This research also found that men who reported greater empathy and perspective taking had a love language that better matched the language of their partner.

Finally, what does the research say about whether having a better understanding of your partner’s love language is linked to higher relationship satisfaction? Only two studies have investigated this question. Both found that knowing your partner’s primary love language did predict relationship satisfaction in the present or into the future.

So, as you can see, not only is there very little research investigating love languages, but the research to date doesn’t strengthen belief in the powerful properties of love languages.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article .

About the Author

Gery Karantzas

Gery Karantzas, Ph.D. , is currently a professor and director of the Science of Adult Relationships (SoAR) Laboratory in the School of Psychology at Deakin University. He is also a couples therapist and was the former national convener of the Australian Psychological Society Psychology of Relationships Interest Group.

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