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Best Family Essay Examples

Living with parents.

549 words | 2 page(s)

Living with family seems like a luxurious, secure way of life. One good reason to leave the family is to get married and start your own family. However, just because one is an adult does not mean that one should live independently. Young people do not have as much experience with life to solve their problems and may not be able to handle the responsibilities of living on their own. Therefore, young people should live with their families until marriage, as they cannot handle as many responsibilities, and they do not have as much experience with life.

Firstly, young adults can live with parents who have more experience with life. Parents can advise and control their children and guide them the right way. Parents can help their children with most of their problems, as they have been through similar problems when they were young adults. For instance, young people are so curious and interested in everything, including bad behavior. They might drink alcohol without knowing the side effects behind it. By having parents that direct them, they will pay more attention to their parents’ instructions, since parents have their children’s best interests at heart.

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Another reason to live with parents is to share the responsibilities. Parents can help with money, food, internet, laundry, and cleaning that will not be on the shoulders of youth, who want to enjoy their free time. For example, young people do not have the opportunity to save money as their parents do, which leads them to have money issues when they live independently, which decreases funds for enjoyment. If they are students who are working to pay their tuition, they may have less time to study, which can cause poorer grades.

On the other hand, some people think that when young adults have conflicts at home they should leave the home and live independently. However, this is not a good solution. Children are the closest people to their parents’ heart. They should try to work things out, this good communication helping young adults to solve future problems with co-workers, friends, and partners.

Others may state that their child may decide to live with a partner. While it is understandable to want to get to know somebody better, it may not be the best choice. Living with a romantic partner without being tied to the marriage contract may lead to serious conflicts. Couples who live together versus being married may not work as hard to preserve the relationship. If the couple has children together and the relationship ends, the child may be forced to live with one parent, which can be difficult for everyone. However, deciding to live with one’s parents until one is ready to get married can avoid these problems, allowing young people to mature emotionally, socially, and financially.

There are seven billion people in the world from different cultures. Each culture has different traditional reasons regarding the subject of whether young people should live with their families. However, by realizing the advantages of living with parents, such as saving money, receiving guidance, and less responsibility, people may abandon their beliefs, more young people living with their parents. Therefore, young people should live with their families until marriage, as young people cannot handle as much responsibility and have less life experience.

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Live with your parents? Here's how to create a harmonious household

Felice León

Moving back in with your parents as an adult isn't an easy decision, but sometimes it's necessary. Maybe you need to save money. Maybe it's convenient. Maybe you're going through a tough time and need extra support from your parents.

Whatever the reason, it can be a challenge for everyone involved.

"The dynamics are incredibly different. You are now an adult living with other adults. So we have to get our parents to see you and treat you as an adult," says Stacey Younge , a social worker and founder of Sixth Street Wellness, a therapy practice in New York City. Younge works with adult clients who have struggled with the transition of moving in with their parents.

To create a harmonious household, says Younge, create boundaries with your parents while also respecting their space. "Make sure the setup is sustainable. How can we live our lives for the next few years with all of us being able to smile around the dinner table?"

If you feel ashamed about moving in with your parents, know that it's a common living arrangement for many young people across the United States. According to 2021 data from the U.S. Census Bureau, one in three American adults ages 18 to 34 live at home. And a 2022 study by the Pew Research Center found that young Americans are far more likely to live in multigenerational households than 50 years ago, with student debt and rising housing costs among the reasons why.

If you're considering moving in with your parents or already living with them, here are some ways to deal with the potential stigma, maintain independence and be a helpful member of the household.

Be kind to yourself

You might think that moving back home is a setback. But if you need to do it, give yourself some grace, says Danielle Belton. She has lived with her parents at two different points during adulthood. "Nobody wants to have to move back in with their parents after they've become an adult. You do it because you have to."

In 2007 at the age of 29, Belton decided to move in with her parents in St. Louis, then again in 2013. She was struggling with her bipolar disorder and could not focus on herself or her career. Belton needed the emotional and financial support of her parents.

They were a lifeline, she says. In addition to providing a roof over her head, they fed her and made sure she was safe. "My family saved my life. Going home allowed me to gain stability, save money, gain perspective and get the medical help that I needed so I could restart my career a couple of years later." She is now the editor-in-chief of The Huffington Post , and she has her own apartment in Brooklyn, N.Y.

Remember, this might be the best decision for you at this specific moment in time, says Belton. So "let go of the stigma of having to move back home after college or at any point in life. You should not feel ashamed of it."

Don't compare yourself to others

Resist the urge to focus on where your friends are in life — and surround yourself with people who understand what you're going through.

Kiersten Brydie, 29, currently lives with her parents in Atlanta. She moved back for financial reasons. By now, she thought she would have been married and a homeowner like many of her peers. "I'm in a very different place than [my friends]," she says. "So that has been a personal challenge for me."

To cope with those feelings, Brydie shares what it's like to live with her parents with her over 28,000 followers on TikTok. In one video , which has garnered nearly 100,000 views, she says, "The economy sucks and we are in a cost of living crisis ... living at home for me right now is a blessing."

Many of the comments are supportive. "I'm happy you had the option to go back home ... life is hard!" writes one commenter. "31 and about to do the same thing ... for the second time," writes another. She says her online community has helped her come to terms with her living situation — and understand that everyone moves at a different pace in life.

Consider This from NPR

When your parents are also your roommates.

Create your exit plan

After settling into your parents' house, make a game plan for how and when you hope to move out, says Younge, who lived at home for a few months after college. Your parents will probably want to know how long you intend to stay. And a plan may motivate you to keep reaching your goals.

Your plan should include personal, professional and financial aims. For example, maybe you want to stay with your parents until you've saved enough money for a down payment on your first home. Or perhaps you want to stay until you find a job.

Don't beat yourself up if you need more time. Brydie has been living with her parents for about a year and a half, but she had hoped to move out after six months. In addition to being a content creator on TikTok, she works for a startup and has been worried about job security amid a looming recession. "As long as I'm welcome here [with my parents], I'll probably just ride it out for a bit longer," she says.

Set boundaries

While living with your parents, be sure to set boundaries. It's a powerful tool that fosters an environment of respect and understanding, says Younge. Maintain your privacy by asking your parents to knock before entering your room. Keep your parents out of your dating life by asking your mom to stop trying to set you up with random people she's met at the grocery store.

Don't forget that your parents have boundaries too. If they say they don't want you to borrow their car, don't borrow it.

Maintain your routine ... and dating life

If you are having trouble setting up boundaries, create a routine to help you get out of the house, especially if you work from home and your parents are retired or also work from home. Having that much family time can be a hotbed of conflict — and everyone could use the space, says Younge.

If you can, get out every day. During business hours, work from the office, a co-working space, a coffee shop or a local library. Continue to take that spin class with your favorite instructor on Saturdays.

"Continue to live your life. Communicate that with your parents as well. [Tell them], 'This is my schedule. This is what I'm doing,' so it becomes a part of the routine early," says Younge.

The Joys And Pains Of Multigenerational Households

And keep dating. When living with family, it can be hard to find private, quiet moments that a romantic relationship can provide.

Dating while living at home can be tricky — especially if you come from a traditional household. If you're inviting a guest over, be sure to run it by your folks ahead of time, says Younge. "Have an open conversation with your parents. [Ask them] how they feel about having someone else in the house."

Contribute to the household

Many of us live at home for financial reasons. But if you can provide your parents with a monetary contribution to the household, they'd be most appreciative.

Offer to pay for your share of the utilities, groceries or rent — even if it's a nominal amount. Talk to your parents about how much you can realistically give, says Brydie. "My parents and I had a conversation about how to help financially. We decided I'd pay a couple of hundred bucks a month for groceries or household bills."

If you can't cut your parents a rent check every month, there are other ways to chip in. Perhaps you can take out the garbage, do the household laundry or wash the dishes after dinner. Whatever you decide, be consistent — show your parents that you are grateful for the opportunity to live at home and that you want to add value to the shared space.

This episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Cirino and edited by Sylvie Douglis and Meghan Keane. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual producer is Kaz Fantone.

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Yes, more and more young adults are living with their parents – but is that necessarily bad?

Senior Research Scholar, Department of Psychology, Clark University

Disclosure statement

Jeffrey Arnett does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.

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When the Pew Research Center reported in 2020 that the proportion of 18-to-29-year-old Americans who live with their parents has increased during the COVID-19 pandemic, perhaps you saw some of the breathless headlines hyping how it’s higher than at any time since the Great Depression.

From my perspective, the real story here is less alarming than you might think. And it’s actually quite a bit more interesting than the sound bite summary.

For 30 years I’ve been studying 18-to-29-year-olds, an age group I call “ emerging adults ” to describe their in-between status as no longer adolescents, but not fully adult.

Even 30 years ago, adulthood – typically marked by a stable job, a long-term partnership and financial independence – was coming later than it had in the past.

Yes, a lot of emerging adults are now living with their parents. But this is part of a larger, longer trend, with the percentage going up only modestly since COVID-19 hit. Furthermore, having grown kids still at home is not likely to do you, or them, any permanent harm. In fact, until very recently, it’s been the way adults have typically lived throughout history. Even now, it’s a common practice in most of the world.

Staying home is not new or unusual

Drawing on the federal government’s monthly Current Population Survey , the Pew Report showed that 52% of 18-to-29-year-olds are currently living with their parents, up from 47% in February. The increase was mostly among the younger emerging adults – ages 18 to 24 – and was primarily due to their coming home from colleges that shut down or to their having lost their jobs.

Although 52% is the highest percentage in over a century, this number has, in fact, been rising steadily since hitting a low of 29% in 1960. The main reason for the rise is that more and more young people continued their education into their 20s as the economy shifted from manufacturing to information and technology. When they’re enrolled in school, most don’t make enough money to live independently.

Before 1900 in the United States, it was typical for young people to live at home until they married in their mid-20s, and there was nothing shameful about it. They usually started working by their early teens – it was rare then for kids to get even a high school education – and their families relied upon the extra income. Virginity for young women was highly prized, so it was moving out before marriage that was scandalous , not staying home where they could be shielded from young men.

In most of the world today, it is still typical for emerging adults to stay home until at least their late 20s . In countries where collectivism is more highly valued than individualism – in places as diverse as Italy, Japan and Mexico – parents mostly prefer to have their emerging adults stay home until marriage. In fact, even after marriage it remains a common cultural tradition for a young man to bring his wife into his parents’ household rather than move out.

Until the modern pension system arose about a century ago , aging parents were highly vulnerable and needed their adult children and daughters-in-law to care for them in their later years. This tradition persists in many countries, including the two most populous countries in the world, India and China.

In today’s individualistic U.S. , we mostly expect our kids to hit the road by age 18 or 19 so they can learn to be independent and self-sufficient. If they don’t, we may worry that there is something wrong with them.

You’ll miss them when they’re gone

Because I’ve been researching emerging adults for a long time, I’ve been doing a lot of television, radio and print interviews since the Pew report was released.

Always, the premise seems to be the same: Isn’t this awful?

I would readily agree that it’s awful to have your education derailed or to lose your job because of the pandemic. But it’s not awful to live with your parents during emerging adulthood. Like most of the rest of family life, it’s a mixed bag: It’s a pain in some ways, and rewarding in others.

In a national survey of 18-to-29-year-olds I directed before the pandemic, 76% of them agreed that they get along better with their parents now than they did in adolescence, but almost the same majority – 74% – agreed, “I would prefer to live independently of my parents, even if it means living on a tight budget.”

Parents express similar ambivalence. In a separate national survey I directed , 61% of parents who had an 18-to-29-year-old living at home were “mostly positive” about that living arrangement, and about the same percentage agreed that living together resulted in greater emotional closeness and companionship with their emerging adults. On the other hand, 40% of the parents agreed that having their emerging adults at home meant worrying about them more, and about 25% said it resulted in more conflict and more disruption to their daily lives.

As much as most parents enjoy having their emerging adults around, they tend to be ready to move on to the next stage of their lives when their youngest kid reaches their 20s. They have plans they’ve been delaying for a long time – to travel, to take up new forms of recreation and perhaps to retire or change jobs.

Those who are married often view this new phase as a time to get to know their spouse again – or as a time to admit their marriage has run its course . Those who are divorced or widowed can now have an overnight guest without worrying about scrutiny from their adult child at the breakfast table the next morning.

My wife, Lene, and I have direct experience to draw on with our 20-year-old twins, who came home in March after their colleges closed, an experience shared with millions of students nationwide . I’ll admit we were enjoying our time as a couple before they moved back in, but nevertheless it was a delight having them unexpectedly return, as they are full of love and add so much liveliness to the dinner table.

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Now the fall semester has started and our daughter, Paris, is still home taking her courses via Zoom, whereas our son, Miles, has returned to college. We’re savoring these months with Paris. She has a great sense of humor and makes an excellent Korean tofu rice bowl. And we all know it won’t last.

That’s something worth remembering for all of us during these strange times, especially for parents and emerging adults who find themselves sharing living quarters again. It won’t last.

You could see this unexpected change as awful, as a royal pain and daily stress. Or you could see it as one more chance to get to know each other as adults, before the emerging adult sails once again over the horizon, this time never to return.

• Coronavirus
• Early adulthood
• Young adults
• living at home

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For first time in modern era, living with parents edges out other living arrangements for 18- to 34-year-olds, share living with spouse or partner continues to fall.

By 2014, 31.6% of young adults were living with a spouse or partner in their own household, below the share living in the home of their parent(s) (32.1%). Some 14% of young adults were heading up a household in which they lived alone, were a single parent or lived with one or more roommates. The remaining 22% lived in the home of another family member (such as a grandparent, in-law or sibling), a non-relative, or in group quarters (college dormitories fall into this category).

It’s worth noting that the overall share of young adults living with their parents was not at a record high in 2014. This arrangement peaked around 1940, when about 35% of the nation’s 18- to 34-year-olds lived with mom and/or dad (compared with 32% in 2014). What has changed, instead, is the relative share adopting different ways of living in early adulthood, with the decline of romantic coupling pushing living at home to the top of a much less uniform list of living arrangements.

In 2014, more young women (16%) than young men (13%) were heading up a household without a spouse or partner. This is mainly because women are more likely than men to be single parents living with their children. For their part, young men (25%) are more likely than young women (19%) to be living in the home of another family member, a non-relative or in some type of group quarters.

A variety of factors contribute to the long-run increase in the share of young adults living with their parents. The first is the postponement of, if not retreat from, marriage. The median age of first marriage has risen steadily for decades. In addition, a growing share of young adults may be eschewing marriage altogether. A previous Pew Research Center analysis projected that as many as one-in-four of today’s young adults may never marry. While cohabitation has been on the rise, the overall share of young adults either married or living with an unmarried partner has substantially fallen since 1990.

In addition, trends in both employment status and wages have likely contributed to the growing share of young adults who are living in the home of their parent(s), and this is especially true of young men. Employed young men are much less likely to live at home than young men without a job, and employment among young men has fallen significantly in recent decades. The share of young men with jobs peaked around 1960 at 84%. In 2014, only 71% of 18- to 34-year-old men were employed. Similarly with earnings, young men’s wages (after adjusting for inflation) have been on a downward trajectory since 1970 and fell significantly from 2000 to 2010. As wages have fallen, the share of young men living in the home of their parent(s) has risen.

Economic factors seem to explain less of why young adult women are increasingly likely to live at home. Generally, young women have had growing success in the paid labor market since 1960 and hence might increasingly be expected to be able to afford to live independently of their parents. For women, delayed marriage—which is related, in part, to labor market outcomes for men—may explain more of the increase in their living in the family home.

The Great Recession (and modest recovery) has also been associated with an increase in young adults living at home. Initially in the wake of the recession, college enrollments expanded, boosting the ranks of young adults living at home. And given the weak job opportunities facing young adults, living at home was part of the private safety net helping young adults to weather the economic storm.

Educational attainment, race and ethnicity linked to young adult living arrangements

Beyond gender, young adults’ living arrangements differ considerably by education and racial and ethnic background—both of which are tied to economic wherewithal. For young adults without a bachelor’s degree, as of 2008 living at home with their parents was more prevalent than living with a romantic partner. By 2014, 36% of 18- to 34-year-olds who had not completed a bachelor’s degree were living with their parent(s) while 27% were living with a spouse or partner. Among college graduates, in 2014 46% were married or living with a partner, and only 19% were living with their parent(s). Young adults with a college degree have fared much better in the labor market than their less-educated counterparts, which has in turn made it easier to establish their own households.

Among racial and ethnic groups, record-high shares of black and Hispanic young adults (36% for each group) lived in the home of their parent(s) in 2014. By comparison, 30% of white young adults lived at home. White young adults are more likely to be living with a spouse or partner (36%). But the trends are similar for all major racial and ethnic groups including whites: Since 1960 a greater share are living at home and fewer are married or cohabiting and living in their own household.

For black young adults, living with mom and/or dad is now the most common arrangement, as only 17% were living with a spouse or romantic partner in 2014. For Hispanic young adults living with parent(s) is also the dominant arrangement as 30% were living with a spouse or significant other in 2014. Generally, young adult blacks and Hispanics lag behind young whites both in terms of educational attainment and employment status.

This report presents the historical trends in the share of young adults who live with their parent(s). The first section presents a simple classification of living arrangements. The second section examines trends in living with parents by demographic and geographic groups. The third section explores the shift away from living with a romantic partner and toward living with parents. The final section examines the relationship between living with parents and trends in the labor market opportunities of young adults.

Other key findings: • The growing tendency of young adults to live with parents predates the Great Recession. In 1960, 20% of 18- to 34-year-olds lived with mom and/or dad. In 2007, before the recession, 28% lived in their parental home. • In 2014, 40% of 18- to 34-year-olds who had not completed high school lived with parent(s), the highest rate observed since the 1940 Census when information on educational attainment was first collected. • Young adults in states in the South Atlantic, West South Central and Pacific United States have recently experienced the highest rates on record of living with parent(s). • With few exceptions, since 1880 young men across all races and ethnicities have been more likely than young women to live in the home of their parent(s). • The changing demographic characteristics of young adults—age, racial and ethnic diversity, rising college enrollment—explain little of the increase in living with parent(s).

A “young adult” is an adult ages 18 to 34.

An adult is “living with parent(s),” “living at home,” or “living in parent(s)’ home” if the adult is the child of the household head. The household head could be the mother or father.

“Cohabiting adults” refers to household heads with an unmarried partner and the unmarried partners of the household head. An unmarried partner of the household head, also known as a domestic partner, is a person who shares a close personal relationship with the household head. Cohabiting young adults in which the couple does not include the household head are not identified as cohabiting and are categorized in other living arrangement categories.

An adult is “living with a spouse or partner” or “married or cohabiting in own household” if one member of the couple is the head of the household.

An adult is “college-educated” if the adult’s highest education is a bachelor’s degree or more. A “not college-educated” adult refers to an adult whose highest education is less than a bachelor’s degree.

References to white, black, Asian and American Indian young adults include only those who are non-Hispanic. Hispanics are of any race. Asians include Pacific Islanders. American Indians include Alaskan Natives.

The New England census division comprises Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island and Vermont. The Middle Atlantic division: New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania. The East North Central division: Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin. The West North Central division: Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota and South Dakota. The South Atlantic division: Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Maryland, North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia and West Virginia. The East South Central division: Alabama, Kentucky, Mississippi and Tennessee. The West South Central division: Arkansas, Louisiana, Oklahoma/Indian Territory and Texas. The Mountain division: Arizona, Colorado, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Utah and Wyoming. The Pacific division: Alaska, California, Hawaii, Oregon and Washington.

• The parental home could be the home of the mother, father or both. ↩
• A small share of young adults (4%) are married or living with a partner but not living in their own household. Rather they are living with parents or other relatives, or they are living in some other arrangement. In this analysis, those young adults are not included as “living with a spouse or partner in their own household.” ↩
• The arrangements of young men and young women do not mirror each other, in part, because young women tend to marry slightly older men. ↩

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Report Materials

Table of contents, young adults in the u.s. are less likely than those in most of europe to live in their parents’ home, a majority of young adults in the u.s. live with their parents for the first time since the great depression, as millennials near 40, they’re approaching family life differently than previous generations, as family structures change in u.s., a growing share of americans say it makes no difference, with billions confined to their homes worldwide, which living arrangements are most common, most popular.

About Pew Research Center Pew Research Center is a nonpartisan fact tank that informs the public about the issues, attitudes and trends shaping the world. It conducts public opinion polling, demographic research, media content analysis and other empirical social science research. Pew Research Center does not take policy positions. It is a subsidiary of The Pew Charitable Trusts .

Writing Compassionately about Parents

Today ’s post is by writer and editor Katie Bannon ( @katiedbannon ).

You may be familiar with the iconic opening line of Anna Karenina : “All happy families are alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Many of us end up writing about our family dynamics in memoir and personal essays, whether we planned to or not. Family members, for better or for worse, are endlessly fascinating. But how do we write about our uniquely dysfunctional families—and our parents, in particular—without being petty? How can we craft rich portraits that show their full, flawed humanity?

The more complex, the better.

Readers respond most to complicated characters. Try to be as balanced as possible in your portrayal of your parents. Showing their redeeming qualities alongside their shortcomings will make them read as human on the page. As a species, we are full of contradictions, and your parent characters should be too.

Remember that it’s difficult for readers to connect with characters who appear one-dimensional. If your mother or father is coming across as either wholly good or wholly bad, the reader is likely to distrust you as a narrator. Readers might wonder if you’ve done the processing necessary to come to terms with who your parents are/were, and if personal grievances are causing you to portray them unfairly.

Readers are also highly attuned to moments when the narrator wants them to see a character a particular way, rather than allowing them to form their own judgments. A one-sided portrayal of a parent won’t cause a reader to hate or love them—it will probably only make them detach from the narrative entirely. Capturing our parents’ complexity isn’t about giving them a “free pass” or sugar-coating their flaws. It’s about ensuring our readers can feel invested in them as characters, and as a result, stay engaged in the narrative as a whole.

If you’re writing about a difficult parent, consider how you might add nuance and compassion to their portrayal by asking the following questions:

• What might have motivated the parent to act the way they did? Was it protectiveness? Fear? Low self-esteem?
• As an adult, what do you understand about the parent that you didn’t know when you were a child?
• Think about the parent’s own trauma and family history. Can you draw connections between the parent’s actions/behaviors and their own past? The ways their own parents treated them?

On the flipside, maybe you idealize a parent. Sometimes this happens once parents have passed away; grief can make it difficult for us to recognize a parent’s shortcomings. But readers distrust perfect characters—they often read as inauthentic or cartoon-like. To help dig deeper into your parent’s complexity, ask yourself the following questions:

• What scares/scared this person? What is/was their greatest fear?
• What do you imagine is/was their biggest regret in life?
• What makes/made your parent feel embarrassed or ashamed?

Don’t tell us who your parents are. Show us instead.

Scenes allow us to watch your parents in action. We can see how they interact with you and others, observe their body language and mannerisms (biting fingernails, scowling, etc.), and hear the way they speak. Detail is at the heart of excellent character portrayals, and scenes are the perfect place to create the color and texture that brings parent characters to life.

Many of us harbor strong feelings toward our parents. This may result in a tendency to sum them up neatly in the narration: “My father was an angry man.” “My mother dealt with a lifetime of guilt.” While telling certainly has its place in memoir and personal essay, it’s often more effective to show us your parents’ personalities through scenes.

Instead of telling us your father was an angry man, show us a scene of him throwing a plate across the kitchen. Paint a picture of his anger through the details: the furrowing of his brow, the thunderous sound of the plate smashing, the way his screams echoed off the walls. A scene like this will allow readers to feel your father’s rage in a visceral, immersive way.

Showing parents in scene also helps you avoid labeling them. Labels reduce your parents to a “type,” diluting the nuance of your character portrayals. Mary Karr doesn’t call her parents “alcoholics” in her memoirs; instead, we see her pouring her parents’ vodka down the drain. Scenes and hyper-specific details are what make your parents idiosyncratic and believable to a reader.

Need help showing your parents on the page? Try this writing exercise:

Write a scene about a time you fought with or were scolded by a parent. The key here is using details to humanize the parent and show the reader the dynamic between the two of you. Play with the tension between what the character of “you ” wants in the scene, versus what the character of your parent wants. Try to include the following elements:

• Your parent’s physical characteristics
• Your parent’s body language (twirling hair, stiffening of the shoulders, etc.)
• Your parent’s speech (word choice, tone, cadence)
• Your parent’s actions and reactions
• Speculation about what your parent might have wanted and/or felt in the scene (which may be in conflict with what you felt/wanted)

Use “telling details” that capture your parents’ essence.

Sometimes just one detail about a parent can speak volumes about who they are. These “telling details” could be as simple as a nervous tic, a favorite catchphrase, or the way they take their coffee. In my memoir, I describe how my father told waiters we had a show to catch (even when we didn’t) just to speed up the service. My mother insisted on standing on the outside of the group in family photos, doing her best to slip out of the photo entirely. Carefully chosen details evoke a huge amount about a parent’s life and identity.

Don’t neglect “telling” physical descriptors. Sometimes we’re so familiar with family members we don’t include the level of detail necessary for readers to see, hear, and feel them on the page. Details like how your parents dressed, the way they walked, what cherished objects they kept in their purse or wallet, can go a long way.

Which “telling details” about your parents will capture their essence on the page? Brainstorm ideas by filling in the blanks.

• On a hot day, my mother/father always wore _______ and drank _______.
• The object my mother/father most treasured was ______ because _______.
• When we had company over, my mother/father would ________.
• When my mother/father was annoyed, her/his voice would ________ and her/his face looked like ________.
• Around the holidays, my mother/father would _________, but she/he would never ________.

Final thoughts

Parents have the potential to be your most vivid characters. Their nuances and contradictions provide incredibly fertile ground for writers. Still, writing compassionately about parents is no easy task. Applying character-focused craft techniques—leaning into complexity, developing scenes, and using evocative details—is crucial to making parent characters believable and engaging for the reader. Only then can we hope to bring our parents, and their humanity, to life on the page.

Katie Bannon  is a writer, editor, and educator whose work has appeared in  The Rumpus, ELLE Magazine, Narratively , and more. Her memoir manuscript, which charts her journey as a compulsive hair puller, was a finalist for the Permafrost Nonfiction Book Prize. A graduate of GrubStreet’s Memoir Incubator, she holds an MFA in creative nonfiction from Emerson College. She is a developmental editor who loves working with memoirists and essayists on how to write and revise their most vulnerable, taboo stories. She teaches at GrubStreet and lives in Central Massachusetts with her partner and two cats.

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Great piece. Really helpful!

I’m so glad it was useful, Ellen!

This teaching article has helped me very much. I have struggled for over a year at writing a memoir of my relationship with my father and how I have come to forgive him since his death 8 years ago. Thank you for publishing this. I am certain I will reread it several times as I work towards finishing the book.

I’m so glad to hear it helped, Elizabeth! Your story sounds really powerful — best of luck as you work toward completing the manuscript!

Thank you for this insightful post. It was exactly what I needed at this juncture in my writing. I am writing about my sister and I had completely forgotten to do a physical description. Can you believe it?

I’m so glad this was useful, Naomi! And I can absolutely believe it — it took me multiple drafts of writing about family members before I realized I’d included almost no physical description of them…it’s easy to forget to do that on the page when we can picture them so well in our own minds!

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A Generational Calculus

More Gen Zers are opting to live with their parents to cut costs—a choice that makes individual financial sense but may bring negative effects more broadly.

When I was a young adult, living with your parents was considered a sign that your life had veered off-course. Perhaps you had lost a job or had broken up with a partner and needed to reset or to save some money before getting back on your feet. Whatever the cause, a stigma attached to living with your parents, which counted as a big negative in the dating market . But it seems like norms have changed, and living with your parents is now seen as just another way to save money.

I recently spent a few hours watching personal-finance advice on Tik Tok for a column . I was pleasantly surprised to find that much of the advice was sensible. But what surprised me was how common it was to suggest to young adults that they should live with their parents—not because their lives had fallen apart, but to save money. “Why pay rent?” viewers were asked (though the influencers encouraged viewers to contribute to household expenses).

Those viewers are listening. The share of 25- to 34-year-olds living with their parents has creeped up over the years. Doing so was extremely popular during the pandemic, and while many young adults eventually left the nest, the proportion living with their parents remains high compared with historical levels.

If you ask Gen Zers why they’re living with parents, they’ll probably say that it’s because things are harder these days (as every generation believes). They have a point, though: rents are very high relative to income , especially in desirable cities. Student debt is also more pervasive than ever before, and those loan payments are eating into Gen Zers’ incomes and making housing less affordable.

Still, while these are valid excuses, they don’t explain the whole trend. Student-debt holders also tend to earn higher incomes because they got more education. In fact, having a big student loan is correlated with owning a home. And the income-based repayment plan has become more popular and accessible in recent years. It ensures that even if you take on tens of thousands of dollars in loans and then choose a low-paying career right out of college, student-loan payments won’t overwhelm your meager salary.

It’s also true that rents are higher than ever. But living with your parents isn’t the only alternative: you can get roommates or move to a cheaper city; people still have choices. Living at home is more socially acceptable, and even desirable, for some people today. This is in line with other cultural changes over the years. Young adults grew up friendlier with their parents, speaking and texting with them more frequently because of mobile phones. They also grew up less interested in independence and behaved less rebelliously as teenagers. They didn’t individuate to the same degree as earlier generations . These trends reinforce the social norms that we’re seeing now.

In theory, there is nothing wrong with this trend. Living with parents well into adulthood is common in Europe . Until the mid-twentieth century, it was normal to live with your family until you started out on your own. This was especially true for young women. Spending more time with one’s family has much to recommend it, of course.

But there are drawbacks, too. Living with one’s parents can signal less risk-taking and independence, which have negative connotations for personal development and for the broader economy. It’s also notable that living at home has become much more common for young men at the same time that they are less likely to work or to marry. It’s not clear which way the causality goes: in some cases, men can’t find work (though in this tight labor market, that explanation seems dubious); or perhaps the option of living at home enables one to work less and never fully launch as an adult. Paying rent is a great impetus to advance your life and career.

When I watched the videos of financial influencers suggesting that people live at home, I couldn’t deny that they had an economic point. I recalled all the money I spent on terrible apartments in my twenties. Rent took up more than half my income as an economics Ph.D. candidate living on a merger stipend in New York City. Perhaps I would be able to afford a better apartment today if I had stayed home longer. But my 25-year-old self would probably have said that some things are more important—that while I was spending money I might otherwise save, I was also making an investment in vital life skills.

Allison Schrager is a senior fellow at the Manhattan Institute and a contributing editor of City Journal .

Photo: Maskot/DigitalVision via Getty Images

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Tips for Living with Your Adult Children or Aging Parents

Managing conflict when grown family members cohabitate..

Posted July 31, 2021 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina

• Since early 2020, 52% of 18- to 29-year-olds are living with their parents; more than the peak during the Great Depression.
• in 2016, 3.4M adults aged 65+ (11%) lived with adult children; these numbers increased during the pandemic.
• The sandwich generation is especially impacted and stressed.

Due to the pandemic, millions of Americans have moved back in with family out of necessity, leading to relationship conflict. The two biggest groups who have moved are young adult children moving back with their parents and the elderly moving in with their adult children. The sandwich generation has been especially stressed as they may now be caring for both adult kids and aging parents 1 . Not only can the transition of living together be taxing on your relationship with one another; marriages, partnerships, and relationships with involved loved ones can suffer too.

Since early 2020, 52% of 18- to 29-year-olds are living with their parents. This is more than the peak during the Great Depression . 2 According to a recent Pew Research survey, more than 30% of those people moved because of financial difficulty caused by unemployment. Another 14% moved because colleges closed their campuses . 3

According to the Joint Center for Housing Studies of Harvard University, in 2016, 5.3 million adults aged 65+ (11%) lived in another person's household with 3.4 million living with their adult children.³ This number has increased during the pandemic as people have been navigating concerns about the health and safety of their aging parents who are at higher risk for negative outcomes from contracting COVID-19 . Additionally, financial strain has caused adult children to become the caretakers of their aging parents.

There are challenges on both sides when adjusting to living under one roof. Here are some of the common difficulties families are experiencing:

Conflicts About Power and Control: Who's in Charge?

When a young adult moves back home, they feel like they’ve lost their independence. Like it or not, parents often view their kids as children, no matter how old they are. This can lead to regressing back to old behaviors and relational patterns. For example, a parent can feel responsible for their adult child and feel inclined to manage and monitor their daily living, choices, and activities. When young adults are put in this position, they feel disrespected, causing relationship conflict.

Acknowledge and recognize that even though the young adult will always be your child, they are adults. This requires a big shift in the parent-child relationship. As you develop mutual respect for one another, you can let go and allow the adult child to be responsible for themselves without micromanaging or enabling them.

When a parent moves in with an adult child, it can feel like a role reversal. Aging parents may struggle with feelings of loss while adult children are in a state of overwhelm. Again, acknowledge all parties are grown adults deserving respect.

It is important to realize and respect that it is the primary homeowner who is in charge of the rules of the household. Proactive and honest conversations that are mutually respectful need to occur so that everyone is clear on expectations.

Boundary Challenges: What rules and limits need to be established?

Using assertive communication that is respectful, direct and clear, set boundary limits when it comes to:

• Physical space : Which spaces of the home are private or shared?
• Rules of the house: What are the rules regarding cleanliness in common spaces, noise limitations, curfew, policy on guests, or substance use?
• Finances: Who is going to pay for what, and what do you determine to be a loan or a gift?
• Division of Labor: Who is responsible for cleaning, grocery shopping, or doing chores like laundry?
• Privacy: Can the adult child have their partner over? Can the parent just walk into the adult child’s room because it's their home? What are each person's needs?
• Time: Is this a permanent or temporary living arrangement? If temporary, for how long, and what is the exit plan?

Communication Problems: How can we resolve our differences?

There’s a range of emotions that come with a new living arrangement including grief and loss. For everyone involved, there is some loss of independence, freedom, and privacy. Being financially dependent on another can lower feelings of self-worth . Likewise, being financially responsible for another can lead to resentment. Be prepared for communication challenges, a period of adjustment, and some potential conflict. To effectively communicate and resolve conflict:

• Practice empathy. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person and imagine how they might feel. Verbalizing empathy allows people to feel heard, known, understood, and connected. It can diffuse conflict as once people feel heard, they may not become increasingly defensive or aggressive to get their message across.
• Choose your words carefully. Consider how what you say will feel to the other person. Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?”
• Address concerns. Avoid being passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive . Voice concerns in a kind. diplomatic, appropriate, and timely fashion.
• Have weekly or monthly check-ins. Use this time to clear the air and nip any challenges in the bud.
• Access support from friends, family, community, and support groups.
• Consider individual or family counseling or therapy .
• Work with a financial advisor or debt consolidation counselor for financial advice .
• Practice self-compassion. During this time, be gentle with yourself. Transitions can be stressful , and practicing self-compassion, self-forgiveness , and self-care are crucial now more than ever.
• Practice forgiveness. Resentment is hardened anger that can build walls between ourselves and our loved ones. Practice forgiveness to emancipate yourself from the anger that can lead to both mental and physical health challenges.

Wishing you peace and serenity. Remember, "This too, shall pass."

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210128-why-the-sandwich-generati…

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/09/04/a-majority-of-young-ad…

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2021/02/04/as-the-pandemic-persis…

https://www.jchs.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/Harvard_JCHS_Housing_A…

Joyce Marter, LCPC, is a psychotherapist, entrepreneur, mental health thought leader, national speaker, and author.

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A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement

Both parents and adult children often fail to recognize how profoundly the rules of family life have changed over the past half century.

Updated at 4:51 p.m. ET on July 28, 2022

Sometimes my work feels more like ministry than therapy. As a psychologist specializing in family estrangement, my days are spent sitting with parents who are struggling with profound feelings of grief and uncertainty. “If I get sick during the pandemic, will my son break his four years of silence and contact me? Or will I just die alone?” “How am I supposed to live with this kind of pain if I never see my daughter again?” “My grandchildren and I were so close and this estrangement has nothing to do with them. Do they think I abandoned them?”

Since I wrote my book When Parents Hurt , my practice has filled with mothers and fathers who want help healing the distance with their adult children and learning how to cope with the pain of losing them. I also treat adult children who are estranged from their parents. Some of those adult children want no contact because their parents behaved in ways that were clearly abusive or rejecting. To make matters worse for their children and themselves, some parents are unable to repair or empathize with the damage they caused or continue to inflict. However, my recent research—and my clinical work over the past four decades—has shown me that you can be a conscientious parent and your kid may still want nothing to do with you when they’re older.

Read: Dear Therapist: My daughter hasn’t wanted a relationship with me for 25 years

However they arrive at estrangement, parents and adult children seem to be looking at the past and present through very different eyes. Estranged parents often tell me that their adult child is rewriting the history of their childhood, accusing them of things they didn’t do, and/or failing to acknowledge the ways in which the parent demonstrated their love and commitment. Adult children frequently say the parent is gaslighting them by not acknowledging the harm they caused or are still causing, failing to respect their boundaries, and/or being unwilling to accept the adult child’s requirements for a healthy relationship.

Both sides often fail to recognize how profoundly the rules of family life have changed over the past half century. “Never before have family relationships been seen as so interwoven with the search for personal growth, the pursuit of happiness, and the need to confront and overcome psychological obstacles,” the historian Stephanie Coontz, the director of education and research for the Council on Contemporary Families, told me in an email. “For most of history, family relationships were based on mutual obligations rather than on mutual understanding. Parents or children might reproach the other for failing to honor/acknowledge their duty, but the idea that a relative could be faulted for failing to honor/acknowledge one’s ‘identity’ would have been incomprehensible.”

The historian Steven Mintz, the author of Huck’s Raft: A History of American Childhood , made a similar observation in an email: “Families in the past fought over tangible resources—land, inheritances, family property. They still do, but all this is aggravated and intensified by a mindset that does seem to be distinctive to our time. Our conflicts are often psychological rather than material—and therefore even harder to resolve.”

In The Marriage-Go-Round , the Johns Hopkins University sociologist Andrew Cherlin wrote that starting in the late 19th century, traditional sources of identity such as class, religion, and community slowly began to be replaced with an emphasis on personal growth and happiness. By the second half of the 20th century, American families had gone through changes that, Cherlin said, were “unlike anything that previous generations of Americans have ever seen.”

Deciding which people to keep in or out of one’s life has become an important strategy to achieve that happiness. While there’s nothing especially modern about family conflict or a desire to feel insulated from it, conceptualizing the estrangement of a family member as an expression of personal growth as it is commonly done today is almost certainly new.

Of course, not all individuals base their ideas of family on these more individualized principles. “Most immigrant families, especially those in the first generation, still value interdependence and filial duty,” Mintz noted . “However, in recent decades the majority of American families have experienced weakening [extended] kin ties and high rates of mobility and dispersion. I would argue that these factors have made the opportunities for familial alienation greater than in the past.”

Estrangement seems to affect a small but significant portion of families in the United States, and it is happening today against a backdrop of record-high parental investment. During the past 50 years, people across the classes have been working harder than ever to be good parents . They have given up hobbies, sleep, and time with their friends in the hope of slingshotting their offspring into successful adulthood.

On the positive side, this increased investment of time and affection has meant that parents and adult children are in more consistent and positive contact than in prior generations. Due to the likelihood of divorce, many parents in the past half century have had reason to believe that the relationship with their child might be the one connection they can count on—the one most likely to be there in the future. Yet, in the same way that unrealistically high expectations of fulfillment from marriage sometimes increase the risk of divorce, unrealistically high expectations of families as providers of happiness and meaning might increase the risk of estrangement.

Studies on parental estrangement have grown rapidly in the past decade, perhaps reflecting the increasing number of families who are affected. Most estrangements between a parent and an adult child are initiated by the child, according to a 2015 survey of more than 800 people. A survey of mothers from 65 to 75 years old with at least two living adult children found that about 11 percent were estranged from a child. Of those, 62 percent reported contact less than once a month with at least one child, and the remaining 38 percent reported zero contact in the past year.

In these and other studies, common reasons given by the estranged adult children were emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in childhood by the parent, “toxic” behaviors such as disrespect or hurtfulness, feeling unsupported, and clashes in values. Parents are more likely to blame the estrangement on their divorce, their child’s spouse, or what they perceive as their child’s “entitlement.”

While estrangement can occur for many reasons, divorce appears to heighten the risk for both mothers and fathers —especially fathers . Fathers are also at greater risk of being estranged from their kids if they were never married to the mother, and might have more distant relationships with their children if they remarry later in life. In my survey of more than 1,600 estranged parents summarized in my forthcoming book, Rules of Estrangement , more than 70 percent of respondents were divorced from the estranged child’s other biological parent.

Why would divorce increase the risk? In my clinical work I have seen how divorce can create a radical realignment of long-held bonds of loyalty, gratitude, and obligation in a family. It can tempt one parent to poison the child against the other. It can cause children to reexamine their lives prior to divorce and shift their perspective so they now support one parent and oppose the other. It can bring in new people—stepparents or stepsiblings—to compete with the child for emotional or material resources. Divorce—as well as the separation of parents who never married—can alter the gravitational trajectories of a family so that, over time, members spin further and further out of one another’s reach. And when they do, they might not feel compelled to return.

But in other cases, estrangement is born from love. One of the downsides of the careful, conscientious, anxious parenting that has become common in the United States is that our children sometimes get too much of us—not only our time and dedication, but our worry, our concern . Sometimes the steady current of our movement toward children creates a wave so powerful that it threatens to push them off their own moorings; it leaves them unable to find their footing until they’re safely beyond the parent’s reach. Sometimes they need to leave the parent to find themselves.

Read: “Intensive” parenting is now the norm in America

And sometimes children feel too much responsibility for their parents’ happiness. I often hear estranged adult children request better boundaries from their parents as a condition of reconciliation. As Andrew Solomon wrote in Far From the Tree , “There is no contradiction between loving someone and feeling burdened by that person. Indeed, love tends to magnify the burden.”

Many fathers and mothers tell me they feel betrayed by their children’s lack of availability or responsivity, especially those who provided their children with a life they see as enviable compared with their own childhoods. As the University of Virginia sociologist Joseph E. Davis told me, parents expect a “reciprocal bond of kinship” in which their years of parenting will be repaid with later closeness. The University of Chicago philosophy professor Agnes Callard told me in an interview that this expectation of reciprocity is fraught because “today, the boundary of parenting is unclear. If receiving shelter, food, and clothing is enough, then most of us should be grateful to our parents, irrespective of how our lives go.” However, if parents are supposed to produce happy adults, then, fairly or not, adult children might hold parents responsible for their unhappiness.

In my experience, part of what confuses today’s parents of adult children is how little power they have when their child decides to end contact. From the adult child’s perspective, there might be much to gain from an estrangement: the liberation from those perceived as hurtful or oppressive, the claiming of authority in a relationship, and the sense of control over which people to keep in one’s life. For the mother or father, there is little benefit when their child cuts off contact. Parents instead describe profound feelings of loss, shame, and regret.

While most of the research focuses on parents and adult children, estrangements among other family members might not be uncommon. The University of Washington communications professor Kristina Scharp found that estrangements between parents and adult children often ripple out to create other types of family schisms . In a forthcoming study of sibling estrangement, the Edge Hill University lecturer Lucy Blake found that arguments over caregiving for aging parents were a common cause of these rifts, as was sibling abuse. She also found that estranged siblings often reported having been treated worse by their parents than their other siblings.

After becoming estranged from her own parents, the journalist and researcher Becca Bland started Stand Alone, a charitable organization in the U.K. that provides education and support for people estranged from their families. (I’m also starting a training program on estrangement with Bland this year.) She notes that before considering estrangement, it is vital to let the parent know more about what is creating the conflict. “While an estrangement may be very necessary, it’s important that you give your parents time and opportunity to hear your perspective and what you want them to change,” Bland said in an email. To those who are open to reconciliation, I would also propose working with a family therapist or mediator to talk through sensitive or painful subjects with your parents.

Because the adult child typically initiates the estrangement, parents are often the ones who must take the first steps toward reconciliation. In my practice and in the survey I conducted, I have seen that when reconciliations happen, parents often attribute successful reconnection to efforts on their part to make amends, such as taking responsibility for past harms; showing empathy for the adult child’s perspective and feelings; expressing willingness to change problematic behaviors; and accepting their child’s request for better boundaries around privacy, amount of contact, and time spent with grandchildren. It’s also crucial to avoid discussions about “right” and “wrong,” instead assuming that there is at least a kernel of truth in the child’s perspective, however at odds that is with the parent’s viewpoint.

Fathers often seem less willing to accept those conditions than mothers. Mothers’ willingness to empathize or work to understand the child’s perspective might result from the ways in which women are held to a higher standard of responsibility for maintaining family relationships than men are. Fathers are deeply wounded by estrangements too, but men’s tendency to cover depression with anger, social withdrawal, and compartmentalization might make them look less affected than they actually are. They might also feel that pushing back on the child’s requests is more in line with their ideals of masculinity and maintaining authority in the relationship.

There are good and bad features of modern family life, in which relations are often based more on ties of affection than on duty or obedience. In these times, the people we choose to be close to represent not only a preference, but a profound statement of our identities. We are freed to surround ourselves with those who reflect our deepest values—parents included. We feel empowered to call on loved ones to be more sensitive to our needs, our emotions, and our aspirations. This freedom enables us to become untethered and protected from hurtful or abusive family members.

Yet in less grave scenarios our American love affair with the needs and rights of the individual conceals how much sorrow we create for those we leave behind. We may see cutting off family members as courageous rather than avoidant or selfish. We can convince ourselves that it’s better to go it alone than to do the work it takes to resolve conflict. Some problems may be irresolvable, but there are also relationships that don’t need to be lost forever.

It is sometimes tempting to see family members as one more burden in an already demanding life. It can be hard to see their awkward attempts to care for us, the confounding nature of their struggles, and the history they carry stumbling into the present. It can be difficult to apologize to those we’ve hurt and hard to forgive those who have hurt us. But sometimes the benefits outweigh the costs. Tara Westover wrote in her memoir, Educated , “I know only this: that when my mother told me she had not been the mother to me that she wished she’d been, she became that mother for the first time.”

We are all flawed. We should have that at the forefront of our minds when deciding who to keep in or out of our lives—and how to respond to those who no longer want us in theirs.

This article originally misstated the proportion of mothers surveyed who had contact less than once a month with one of their children.

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I Was 27, Engaged, and Living With My Parents

My future husband and I had to move back to our childhood homes before we could start our life together.

I credit unemployment with bringing us together. Our mutual unemployment put my future husband and I on the same humble level, where neither of us would be dazzled (or blinded) by fancy dinners, club lights, or $10 martinis because, quite frankly, none of those things were in our budget.

Our first three dates went like this: (1) Me: "Hey, come over and watch a movie with six of my friends so I know you won't murder me." (2) Him: "Hey, come over and watch Sopranos on my couch." (3) Me: "Hey, just come over."

If I still had a snazzy corporate job when we met, I would never have agreed to a date with an unemployed dude. If he had been employed, he couldn't have spent that first night on the phone with me until 3 a.m. In those first few months, we could talk or watch television or instant message for hours, and sharing a Wendy's combo was a treat.  We couldn't go "out;" we had to stay in and get to know each other.

Then we had to say "goodbye."

When our severance packages ran out, we each ran home to mom and dad — him to Connecticut, me to south Alabama. We had only been dating for a few months, but I decided I loved him as I pulled out of town in a U-Haul.

I was 27. I had a master's degree, had worked for a magazine publisher for three years. I had not lived at home (aside from college summers) for 10 years. My parents were happy to have me home; they have never been the type to push their chicks from the nest. Both my brother and his wife had done a short stint there after vet school and before starting their business. In short, I never thought for a minute I would be unwelcome.

While there was no family tension around my return to the nest, the financial tension was strangling. I had delusions of returning to grad school for a Ph.D. in economics. It turns out the early 2000s recession had many Gen-Xers thinking the same thing, and there wasn't enough funding to go around. Besides, how could I go to Colorado for school when I needed to be closer to a man in Connecticut?

My husband and I spent a year and a half back in our respective hometowns, taking temporary jobs, scrapping our way back to financial adulthood and independence. He sorted packages for FedEx, I painted cabinets for my sister-in-law. He was a high school substitute teacher, I worked a few weeks in a carpet factory. He studied to become an actuary, I took a job as editor of a nearby newspaper.

We lived and loved long distance, over dial-up connections and land lines, with a few visits underwritten by parents who wanted to see us make it. I sent handmade sentiments fashioned from scraps in my mom's sewing sewing stash. He proposed on New Year's Eve by casually promising he would get me a ring.

I started buying bride magazines, still unsure when or how fate would bridge the gap between New England and the Deep South, how we would end up in the same place, under the same roof.

It did finally happen later that year. He found a permanent job in Tennessee and I said, " Let's set the date." His parents and mine were together for the first time in Alabama to see us married and send us off on our own.

Eleven years later, we are thriving and growing our own family, but too far from Connecticut and Alabama. However, I still know if everything goes sideways, I can go home again. (Yes, I'm almost 40 and I just called my mom to confirm that I'd be welcome.)

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How to Maintain Your Independence While Living at Home

Last Updated: February 4, 2024 Fact Checked

Establishing Boundaries

Contributing to the household, managing your personal life, expert q&a.

This article was co-authored by Kirsten Thompson, MD and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD . Dr. Kirsten Thompson is a Board Certified Psychiatrist, Clinical Instructor at UCLA, and the Founder of Remedy Psychiatry. She specializes in helping patients with mental health conditions such as major depressive disorder, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, and postpartum depression. Dr. Thompson holds a BS in Operations Research Industrial Engineering from Cornell University and an MD from The State University of New York, Downstate College of Medicine. There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 111,086 times.

If you're a young adult who's recently moved back in with your parents, you're not alone. Studies show that around half of all 18- to 29-year-old Americans are living with one or both of their parents. [1] X Trustworthy Source Pew Research Center Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends Go to source But living with your parents doesn't mean you're a child again—you can still live an independent adult life. We're here to show you how with our complete guide to maintaining your independence while living in your parents' home.

Things You Should Know

• Use open communication to set strong boundaries so that you and your parents aren't stepping on each other's toes and to keep conflicts to a minimum.
• Contribute your fair share around the house, whether it's covering a portion of the household bills or helping out with household chores.
• Spend most of your time out of the house to live your own life and give your parents time to themselves.

• If things get too tense, simply say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed and need some privacy." Then, you can continue the conversation once you've had a chance to decompress.
• You might also come up with a safe word or hand signal that either you or your parents can use when you're overwhelmed in the moment and need some time to yourself.

• For example, you might agree to stay with a friend so they can have the house to themselves at least one night a week.
• When in doubt, follow their lead. For example, if they keep their bedroom door closed, you might keep yours closed as well.

• It's also helpful to call or text and ask if they need anything if you're going out. For example, if you're headed to the grocery store, you might ask if you can pick anything up for them.

• For example, if your parents aren't okay with your significant other spending the night, don't push it. Accept that they've set that boundary. If you want to spend the night with your significant other, you can go to their place or plan a weekend trip out of town with them.

• For example, you might let your parents know that when the door to your room is closed, they should knock before entering.

• Share your plans with your parents and give them updates on your progress. Think of them as partners—they're helping you out and have a vested interest in your success.

• If you don't yet have a job when you move in, revisit this budget once you've found something. Take it upon yourself to bring it up—it shows your parents that you're being responsible.
• Even if you and your parents have agreed that you should be saving up for a deposit or down payment, you can still contribute something to cover the cost you add by living there.

• If you, your children, or your friends damage something in the house, apologize sincerely to your parents and make plans to repair or replace it (at your own expense) as soon as possible.

• For example, if you see that the trash can is getting full, you might take the trash out and replace the liner rather than shoving it down or leaving it for someone else to do.
• Vacuuming or sweeping and mopping the kitchen and living areas also shows your parents that you respect them and want to be helpful and responsible.
• Be consistent with whatever you do. For example, if you decide to vacuum the living room once, go ahead and plan to do it once a week.

• For example, you might make them dinner once or twice a week and buy them a nice bottle of wine to share.
• You might also give them a date night out with movie tickets and a gift card to their favorite restaurant.

• For example, if you're separated from your spouse and have a child, work out child care with your spouse rather than with your parents.
• This doesn't mean you can't ask your parents for advice! But when you talk to them, already have a decision made—then you can ask what they think of your decision, rather than what they think you should do.

• This is especially important if you work remotely, or if your parents are retired or also work remotely. You need time apart from each other to keep your relationship healthy.

• Keeping up with your own life will help you feel more independent and as though you're living your own life, even if you are living with your parents.
• Friends are also important for emotional support, especially if you're going through a difficult time after having to move back in with your parents.

• Set boundaries for your kids as well. Let them know about any rules your parents have and provide areas where they can do homework or play quietly and be out of the way.

• Count your blessings. Focus on all the good things you have in life and commit to creating even more good things, both for yourself and your parents. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
• Remember that your parents are part of the solution. Work on improving yourself and their lives without burdening them with your issues. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
• When setting goals, include your parents in your successes. Show your appreciation to them each time you reach a goal or make significant progress toward a goal. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0

• Don't overstay your welcome. If your parents seem unhappy with your presence in their home, arrange to stay with a friend or other family member for a few days to give them a break. While you're there, look for a more permanent living situation outside of your parents' home. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

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• ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2020/09/04/a-majority-of-young-adults-in-the-u-s-live-with-their-parents-for-the-first-time-since-the-great-depression/
• ↑ https://tribecatherapy.com/6516/how-parents-and-adult-children-can-live-together-without-killing-each-other-founder-and-clinical-director-matt-lundquist-in-giddy/
• ↑ https://www.npr.org/2023/10/23/1199885819/living-at-home-living-with-parents
• ↑ https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10901-021-09911-3
• ↑ Kirsten Thompson, MD. Board Certified Psychiatrist. Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.
• ↑ https://www.ahealthiermichigan.org/2020/07/24/5-simple-ways-to-show-your-parents-appreciation/
• ↑ https://www.kveller.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-living-with-your-parents-as-a-parent/

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Pros and cons of moving back in with your parents

While it’s becoming more common for jobless college graduates to move back in with their parents after earning their degrees, even those who have been able to score entry-level positions in their fields of choice are entertaining the idea.

PRO: Save money

A huge reason why many college grads are choosing to move home is the need to save money. Living on your own is expensive – there’s rent, cable and electricity bills to pay each month, not to mention the money you’ll spend on furniture, groceries and other necessities. On top of all of that, you’ll need to start paying back your student loans soon, so having free room and board may not be too shabby of a living situation.

CON: Less independence

After being away at college and living on your own, the loss of independence that comes with moving home can be a bit constricting. No more going out whenever you want and doing whatever you please – your parents will want to keep tabs on you. They may revert to treating you the way they did when you were in high school, so you’ll want to have an honest conversation about boundaries.

PRO: Less responsibility

Remember the days when you had to fit in doing your laundry and grabbing groceries in between going to class, working and studying? No more! Your parents will likely take care of many of the responsibilities that you would have had to deal with living on your own, so that can be a definite plus.

CON: Lack of privacy

Like living with roommates, moving back home and living with your family means you may have to give up a certain amount of privacy. In fact, because you don’t have the same boundaries with your parents as you would with roommates, you may have to sacrifice even more privacy. Be prepared.

PRO: Spend time with friends and family

If you have friends who are still living in your hometown or siblings who have yet to graduate from high school, moving back in with your parents can give you a great opportunity to reconnect and spend some quality time together.

CON: Your parents’ rules

Your parents may be under the impression that because you are once again living under their roof, you need to abide by their rules. This can be a challenge if you’re used to living independently, so have an honest conversation with your parents about which of the normal house rules apply. Do you have to make dinner once a week? Contribute to chores? Find out.

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Infantilization Adult Children Living with Parents

This essay about the prolonged cohabitation of adult children with parents explores the complex dynamics of dependency and its implications on familial relationships and societal structures. It into the multifaceted motivations behind this phenomenon, including economic challenges and shifting cultural norms. The essay highlights the psychological nuances and developmental implications of prolonged dependency, emphasizing the importance of fostering independence and resilience. Additionally, it advocates for holistic approaches to address infantilization, including policy interventions and cultural shifts towards fostering autonomy and interdependence.

How it works

In the fabric of modern society, a curious phenomenon has woven its threads, wherein adult offspring consciously choose to extend their stay within the familial abode well past the conventional threshold of independence. This socio-cultural conundrum, often denoted as infantilization, invites us to scrutinize the intricate dynamics of adulthood and familial bonds. Infantilization, in its essence, encapsulates the subtle yet significant process wherein adult children find themselves tethered to a perpetual state of dependency, inhibiting their journey towards full-fledged autonomy and self-sufficiency.

While the decision to dwell under the parental roof may sprout from a myriad of roots, its ramifications are manifold, impacting not only the individuals at the epicenter but also casting ripples across the societal pond.

The motives propelling adult children to persist in cohabiting with their progenitors are as diverse as the hues of the sunset. Economic vicissitudes, such as the staggering surge in housing costs and the precarious dance of employment prospects, often render the prospect of independent living akin to a distant mirage for many burgeoning adults. Additionally, the tapestry of cultural norms and familial expectations may exert a gravitational pull, compelling individuals to prioritize familial bonds and communal support over the pursuit of individual autonomy. Moreover, the metamorphosis in societal paradigms concerning marriage, family structures, and career trajectories has lent credence to the notion of prolonged cohabitation with parents, redefining the contours of independence and adulthood.

However, beneath the surface of practical considerations lies a labyrinth of psychological nuances and developmental implications. Adult children ensconced within the comforting embrace of parental provision may find themselves ensnared in a web of dependency, their wings clipped before they have had the chance to take flight. The absence of financial autonomy and decision-making prowess may foster a sense of entitlement and passivity, stunting the growth of crucial life skills essential for navigating the labyrinthine pathways of adulthood. This dependency dyad may engender a subtle dance of power dynamics within the familial unit, marked by oscillations between overbearing nurturing and smothering protectionism.

Moreover, the phenomenon of infantilization casts a shadow not only upon the psyche of the individuals involved but also upon the fabric of familial dynamics and societal structures. The prolonged cohabitation of adult children within the parental sanctum may strain the delicate threads of familial relationships, fostering resentment and tension amidst the shared spaces of domesticity. Parents, burdened with the weight of financial and emotional support, may find themselves walking a tightrope between nurturing and enabling, navigating the fine line between fostering independence and perpetuating dependency. Furthermore, the prevalence of intergenerational dependency may pose a formidable challenge to societal cohesion and progress, hindering the optimal utilization of human capital and exacerbating socioeconomic disparities.

Addressing the intricate tapestry of infantilization necessitates a holistic approach, one that recognizes the interplay of economic, cultural, and psychological factors at play. Policymakers are called upon to spearhead initiatives aimed at dismantling economic barriers to independent living, such as bolstering affordable housing programs and fostering job creation avenues tailored to the needs of young adults. Additionally, fostering a culture of financial literacy and life skills education can equip young adults with the tools necessary to navigate the tempestuous waters of adulthood with confidence and resilience.

On a societal level, fostering a culture of interdependence, reciprocity, and mutual support is imperative in combating the insidious tendrils of infantilization. This requires a concerted effort to challenge entrenched norms and stereotypes surrounding adulthood and familial relationships, whilst also fostering an ecosystem of support and mentorship for families navigating the transition to independence. By fostering a culture that values autonomy, resilience, and healthy interdependence, we can nurture a generation of adults who are empowered to chart their own course amidst the ebb and flow of life’s vicissitudes, whilst also fostering robust familial bonds rooted in love, respect, and mutual growth.

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• My Parents Essay

500 Words Essay On My Parents

We entered this world because of our parents. It is our parents who have given us life and we must learn to be pleased with it. I am grateful to my parents for everything they do for me. Through my parents essay, I wish to convey how valuable they are to me and how much I respect and admire them.

My Strength My Parents Essay

My parents are my strength who support me at every stage of life. I cannot imagine my life without them. My parents are like a guiding light who take me to the right path whenever I get lost.

My mother is a homemaker and she is the strongest woman I know. She helps me with my work and feeds me delicious foods . She was a teacher but left the job to take care of her children.

My mother makes many sacrifices for us that we are not even aware of. She always takes care of us and puts us before herself. She never wakes up late. Moreover, she is like a glue that binds us together as a family.

Parents are the strength and support system of their children. They carry with them so many responsibilities yet they never show it. We must be thankful to have parents in our lives as not everyone is lucky to have them.

Get the huge list of more than 500 Essay Topics and Ideas

While my mother is always working at home, my father is the one who works outside. He is a kind human who always helps out my mother whenever he can. He is a loving man who helps out the needy too.

My father is a social person who interacts with our neighbours too. Moreover, he is an expert at maintaining his relationship with our relatives. My father works as a businessman and does a lot of hard work.

Even though he is a busy man, he always finds time for us. We spend our off days going to picnics or dinners. I admire my father for doing so much for us without any complaints.

He is a popular man in society as he is always there to help others. Whoever asks for his help, my father always helps them out. Therefore, he is a well-known man and a loving father whom I look up to.

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I love both my parents with all my heart. They are kind people who have taught their children to be the same. Moreover, even when they have arguments, they always make up without letting it affect us. I aspire to become like my parents and achieve success in life with their blessings.

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Living with my mum has been a blessing – but young adults should not be forced back into the family home

Although there are significant financial and emotional benefits to returning to the nest, it should be a choice

T he 2021 census already confirmed it: more adult children than ever are still living with their parents. But the Financial Times has recently revealed just how drastically the scales have tipped: about 40% of 18- to 34-year-olds now live with their parents , making it the most common domestic arrangement for this age group. Previously, it was living as a couple with children.

It’s not just an epidemic of Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum – I’ve moved back home twice since graduating in 2018, and I know plenty of young well-to-do professionals who have felt obliged to do the same, or not moved out at all. There are also plenty of people who are unable to live in their family home due to distance and perhaps wish they could.

And even though it’s framed in terms of the housing crisis, so long as you’re not trapped in an abusive household, being able to live at home is an immense privilege – it helps you to save and means you have more money for recreation. But beyond the column inches on the state of the housing market, there is also the question of what this situation means for the state of family relationships, and if it damages them or is a welcome reprieve from “empty nest syndrome” .

Parents are typically happy to alleviate their children’s housing costs if it will help them to set up their future, particularly in an economic climate so different from the time when they themselves were finding homes and building families. And sometimes parents are all the better for keeping their children home. Of course there will be tensions and frustrations, as there are whenever adults spend extended periods of time together, but with the loneliness and emotional distress of empty nest syndrome often cited as a cause of marital breakdown, there is some light to be found in staying at home longer.

Also, if your parents are single or widowed, like my mother, it can introduce the possibility of maintaining an adult relationship in the home that they have been missing. Certainly, while I have radical views on the housing market and resent that I’m forced to live at home due to the cost of everything, it has brought my mother and I closer in a way that may not have been possible if I had been living away from home for an unbroken period during the past six years.

People often speak of a sadness they experience watching their parents age, but there is something to be said about being able to adjust to it by witnessing it more gradually, rather than being taken aback by their advancing age at each periodic visit.

But the feasibility of staying home often relies on how well you’re able to get along with your parents (and other adult siblings) and whether or not you’ll rub each other up the wrong way. For some young adults – particularly those who have spent three or more years living independently at university – it can feel like a regression into childhood dynamics – nagging about dishes, the blue or pink paint of your childhood bedroom, having to confirm what time you’ll be home and feeling guilty if your parents have waited up for you after a night partying.

Then there are the privacy issues. Everyone has heard an icky horror story of a parent coming into their child’s bedroom and discovering lingerie or a sex toy. And if your parents aren’t as liberal as Regina George’s in Mean Girls, you might end up either forking out a fortune on hotels just to be able to have sex with a partner who also lives at home, or restricting liaisons to when your parents are away.

One flip side to remaining with your parents is the rush to partner-up and move in together so you can split bills while recovering some privacy, or finding yourself more attracted to a person you would typically overlook purely because they can accommodate you. The romantic consequences of which are picking a partner for the wrong reasons and splitting up quickly, or the relationship being undone by the early pressure of cohabitation, ultimately leading you back to your blue-walled bedroom again.

Regardless of the financial and emotional benefits, or the drawbacks, of living at home, that this has become the default arrangement for young people is troubling and consequential. Last year I was dismayed to read about two adult children being removed from their family’s social housing after their mother died suddenly from an aneurysm. Particularly if you only live with one parent, it can only take one incident for your security blanket to be snatched away – so you end up hyperconscious of the health of your parent.

It might be nice to spend more time with your parents as they age, and to have more cash for a holiday or nice things, but some unintended positive side-effects do not detract from the simple fact that cheaper secure housing remains a core demand for young people.

Jason Okundaye is a London-based writer and author of Revolutionary Acts: Black Gay Men in Britain

• Parents and parenting

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Home - Controversial Essay - living with parents

Category: Controversial Essay

Subcategory: Anthropology

Level: College

Advantages of living with parents and in-laws Student’s Name: University: Date: Most people leave their parents’ households and obtain new ones after marriage. The issue of whether to stay or move out attracts varying opinions among different people. However, each of the options has advantages and disadvantages, and it is critical that newlyweds agree on which option is best for them. No single option suits all but depending on the family setup and the way of upbringing one can easily identify their comfortable choice. In some cultures, family setup follows the extended family setup and therefore all members, married or not live under the same household. Marriage establishes a particular relationship between the partners and the in-laws (Haviland et al., 2017). I am of the opinion that living with parents or in-laws after marriage rather than moving out to seek another household is best. Living with parents and in-laws can be very helpful especially as they help in the up-bring and caring for the children. Children are the most sensitive beings in a family, and a lot of care and compassion is necessary for them. Grandparent not only help with taking physical care of them especially if the child’s parents have to work or other commitments but also play a vital role in the moral up bring of the kids. Grandparents due to their age have lots of wisdom on various issues, and this is the reason more than often those who choose to have their new household visit them for…

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Living with Parents vs Living Alone Essay Example

• Pages: 2 (511 words)
• Published: March 26, 2017
• Type: Essay

“Moving out for the first time is one of the biggest steps you’ll take in life. It not only represents your freedom, independence and a sense of growing up, it also tests your ability to make it on your own. ” (Kahler, 2007) Whether to live with your parents, or move out on your own is one of today’s biggest decisions. There are many advantages and disadvantages with either situation, but most young people may not realize that when time comes to make a decision. There are many responsibilities and roles for these individuals in either situation.

Teenagers should think about everything before he or she moves out on his or her own. There are many reasons for living with a parent or living alone. If you live with parents there will alway

s be someone around, but on the other hand if you live alone you will most likely be alone most of the time and that could be depressing. If you live with parents’ there will always be someone there to help you out, but if you live alone you have a lot of things you have to do by yourself.

Yet, if you live alone, you can have people over whenever you want without anyone getting upset because they are being too loud or staying over too late or it could be the other way around, if you live with your parents you probably won’t be allowed to have anyone come over at all. Living alone may seem great and be lots of fun, but living alone also has disadvantages. Living alone, teens tend to have more responsibilities than they know. They have to cook

and clean on their own, which some young individuals may not know how to do, so they will spend more money on fast foods rather than staying home and cooking.

Young individuals who live on their own also have to pay for their utility bills when, on the other hand, if they lived with their parents they wouldn’t have to pay rent or utilities, so it wouldn’t be so stressful for this person to live comfortably. Yet, young individuals living on their own have the freedom to come and go as they please and not have to worry about telling anyone where they are going and when they are coming back, as they would when living at home with their parents.

However, if young adults live with their parents, someone would always be there to hang out with or to do something with; in contrast, young individuals who live on their own tend to be lonely or depressed. When making the decision of living with parents or living on your own teens should keep in mind that even though living on your own gives you the freedom and independence most teens crave. The cost of living has gone up, tremendously, they may not be ready for it, and living with parents would make more sense, be more convenient, and give you security, if you are not stably ready for these responsibilities.

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Pamela Paul

It’s Not Kids With the Cellphone Problem, It’s Parents

By Pamela Paul

Opinion Columnist

The hardest rule I ever set for my kids was refusing them cellphones until high school.

I’d seen the research on the doleful effects of social media , screens and surveillance parenting on kids’ mental, physical and cognitive well-being. If it turns out that the data is wrong, I figured, they will have survived a mild deprivation in their relatively privileged lives and provided fodder for a future therapist’s couch.

“How did you manage?!” other parents asked, and I knew exactly what they meant. Much as parents don’t want to admit it, we need — or it feels like we need — our kids to have a phone.

They’ll be safer walking to school, we tell ourselves — fully aware that should they be hit by a car or snatched away, they won’t be texting Mom about the situation. Even in a school shooting, cellphones have as much potential for danger as they do for safety.

We tell ourselves the phone will give our kids a sense of independence, even though phone trackers let us know exactly where they are. It will teach our kids to be responsible, even though we pay the bill.

We may genuinely believe these little lies; we may just love the convenience. Phones let kids check the forecast themselves rather than yell for a weather report while getting dressed. Phones let kids distract themselves rather than distract us when we’re on our phones.

As much as we lament the besotted, agonized, needy relationship our kids have with their phones, that same phone lets parents off the hook. If we screw something up, we can always text: Remember your grandfather’s birthday! Don’t forget violin. So sorry, I can’t pick you up this afternoon. You forgot your Chromebook!

The news that some districts are cracking down on cellphones is thus a bewildering case of competing interests among kids, administrators, teachers, parents and other parents. It overturns many pro-tech school policies embraced before Covid and resorted to during lockdown. It’s also the smartest thing schools can do, and it’s about time it got done.

Years ago, schools largely rolled over on tech in the name of inculcating “21st-century skills.” Schools boasted Chromebooks for every child, wired education, all kinds of apps. According to the Department of Education, as of 2020, about 77 percent of schools prohibited nonacademic cellphone use. Note the caveat “nonacademic”; many schools had simply integrated phones into their curriculum.

When my kids were in middle school, for example, teachers repeatedly told kids to take photos of assignments; in science, recording images on cellphones was part of the lesson. In The Atlantic, Mark Oppenheimer described one school that “made no pretense of trying to control phone usage, and absurdly tried to make a virtue of being aggressively tech-forward by requiring phones for trivial tasks: At the beginning of the term, you had to scan a QR code to add or drop a course.”

Little surprise then, that a new study by Common Sense Media found that 97 percent of teen and pre-teen respondents said they use their phones during the school day, for a median of 43 minutes, primarily for social media, gaming and YouTube. According to the authors, students reported that policies about phone use in schools vary — sometimes from classroom to classroom — and aren’t always enforced.

Now the enforcers are coming in. As Natasha Singer reported recently in The Times, Florida has issued a statewide prohibition against student cellphone use in the classroom, and school districts elsewhere including those in South Portland , Maine, and Charlottesville , Va., have made similar moves. One district in Florida, Orange County, went so far as to ban phones during the school day entirely. The not-shocking result: less bullying, increased student engagement, even actual eye contact between students and teachers in the hallway.

We should know this by now. In 2018, a secondary school in Ireland decided to ban cellphones altogether . The result: a significant increase in student face-to-face social interactions. “It’s hard to measure, but we find the place has a happier atmosphere for everyone,” one administrator told The Irish Times.

It’s not the school’s job to police kids’ phone habits, something parents are acutely aware isn’t easy. And that gets to the thorny crux of the issue: Parents are often the problem. When one group of parents in my district confronted the administration about its lax policy toward cellphones, the principal said whenever he raised the issue, parents were the ones who complained. How would they reach their children?!

But if we expect our kids to comply with no-phones policies, we’ve got to get over the deprivation. Our own parents would just call the front office — in an emergency . Not because they wanted to make sure we remembered to walk the dog.

And really, if we’re trying to teach kids to be safe, responsible and independent, shouldn’t we give them the leeway to do so? Phones don’t teach kids these values; parents do.

For schools to enact what research overwhelmingly shows benefits students, we parents have to back them up. When parents say our kids are the ones with the cellphone problem, we’re just kidding ourselves.

The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips . And here’s our email: [email protected] .

Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook , Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram .

Pamela Paul is an Opinion columnist at The Times, writing about culture, politics, ideas and the way we live now.