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Book Review: Essays in Love // Alain de Botton

As soon as the final word on the final page of Essays in Love ended, I felt a strong impulse to write about how this book made me feel, so here goes.

This book is a rarity. Feeling so content and warm when reading a book happens only on occasion, and this book has been successful in doing so. Written by Alain de Botton as his first novel in such a beautifully poetic manner, Essays in Love documents a passionate and tender relationship between a man and a woman, which happened coincidentally and ends inevitably. Told from the man’s perspective, his philosophical stance on love for his other half Chloe paints an intricate picture of how intense love can be. He marks each part of the relationship in chronological order, each chapter as a mini philosophical essay, going into great depth about simple details of their relationship such as seducing her, saying ‘I love you’, silently arguing through ‘romantic terrorism’ and wanting to commit suicide when it’s over. This all may sound slightly obsessive – which it essentially is – but through de Botton’s flowing and softly-spoken writing style, it’s as if the novel is being whispered to you (in the least creepy way possible).

The novel begins with their meeting on a flight, which sounds clichéd but it captures the surprise and coincidence love can bring. The characterisation of the speaker depicts him as a clearly highly intelligent and profound man, whose analytical thinking allows us directly into his mind and how well he can breakdown and evaluate love. As the chapters progress, so too does the relationship, which starts off awkward but grows and grows into a strong adoration for one another. His observations of the little mannerisms and physical attributes of Chloe which he found to be beautiful were extremely poignant, as are the moral questions he asks about love such as “If she really is so wonderful, how could she love someone like me?” and “Is it not my right to be loved and her duty to love me?”

The relationship between the speaker and Chloe is one of normality; it’s nothing spectacular. What really makes it so special, however, is the way the story is told in such detail and depth. Each sentence is sculpted so flawlessly; the last couple of chapters are particularly stunning, as the book doesn’t simply describe being in love, but also being out of love, and these chapters deal with getting over a break-up in such a raw and realistic manner. Describing Chloe’s affair with the speaker’s work partner Will was heart-wrenching to read, particularly due to how deep his affections for her were, but the beauty of it is how realistic it is – it’s not all magic and fairy tales, it’s just an ordinary relationship (if such a thing exists).

The book often references philosophers and analogies from philosophy which may be slightly confusing if you don’t have prior philosophical knowledge; however this does not affect the book as a whole. It can, at times, be quite challenging to grasp due to the scope of language used, but this generally makes the book so much more sophisticated.

Whether you are falling in, have fallen or have fallen out of love, Essays in Love will explain all the complexities, unanswered questions, underlying feelings and strange sensations love seems to entail. This book is a treasure, one which is highly underrated, and I am left blown away by its beauty. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to recommend this novel to everyone and anyone who’s willing to listen.

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Alain de Botton: Essays in Love (US: On Love)

“I’ve found that it doesn’t really matter who you marry. If you like them at the beginning, you probably won’t like them at the end. And if you start off hating them, there’s always the chance you’ll end up thinking they’re all right.” The words are not de Botton’s but those of his girlfriend’s father. I recently read a survey which said that 80% of married American men, if given the choice, would marry the same woman. Only 50% of married American women would make the same choice. Yup, there’s still plenty to say on the subject. De Botton takes his love affair and analyzes it from every angle, upside, downside, herside, Marxside, JohnStuartMillside, yet the most profound statement about love I came away with was the above quote.

This novel has had considerable success because it is cool, it is hip, it uses big words and quotes from philosophers we have never heard of (so he went to Cambridge University) and is meant to tell us all about love but, in reality, it is not about love, it is about Alain de Botton, a topic about which, frankly, I find it hard to work up any enthusiasm. I am surprised that Chloe, the object of his affection, does. At their first post-coital repast, she makes him a slap-up meal, with five different jams but all he can do is bitch that there is no strawberry jam and goes out to buy some. Excuse me? DTMFA , I was crying. But she does not. She buys new shoes and he says she looks like a pelican but still she comes back for more. It’s not as though he is Tom Cruise. His photo (taken by one Chloe Stewart – is this the same Chloe?) makes him look like a rather ordinary looking twelve-year old but maybe it’s the light.

The love affair spins out and then spins away – shock! horror! he even contemplates suicide – and still the philosophical analysis carries on. I learned nothing. If you want hip, cool, philosophical trendiness à la Nicholson Baker , this book may well be for you. Otherwise, read Madame Bovary or, better still, do as Chloe does, read Cosmopolitan .

Publishing history

First published 1993 by MacMillan

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Essays In Love

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The book's success has much to do with its beautifully modelled sentences, its wry humour and its unwavering deadpan respect for its reader's intelligence . . . full of keen observation and flashes of genuine lyricism, acuity and depth. Francine Prose, author of The Vixen and Lovers at the Chameleon Club

Witty, funny, sophisticated, neatly tied up, and full of wise and illuminating insights The Spectator

De Botton is a national treasure. Susan Hill, author of The Woman in Black

I doubt if de Botton has written a dull sentence in his life. New Statesman

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Essays in Love (On Love) by Alain de Botton

general information | review summaries | our review | links | about the author

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B : weaknesses galore, but clever enough, with his trademark digressions, that we do recommend it

See our review for fuller assessment.

   From the Reviews : "Alain de Botton picks up the torch, so to speak, more or less where Stendhal left off. De Botton�s On Love reads as if Stendhal had lived into the �90s, survived modern critical theory (as he clearly has), thought it was funny (as he likely would have), but retained a novelist�s sympathy for the impulse -- which he shared -- to deconstruct and to dissect in search of some higher understanding." - Francine Prose, The New Republic "The result is something like La Rochefoucauld�s maxims crossed with Adolphe, with jokes and against a background of luggage reclaim areas and breakfast cereal packets. (...) Ingeniously pinpointed mundane details stop the novel from getting too abstract. It is witty, funny, sophisticated, neatly tied up, and full of wise and illuminating insights." - Gabriele Annan, The Spectator Please note that these ratings solely represent the complete review 's biased interpretation and subjective opinion of the actual reviews and do not claim to accurately reflect or represent the views of the reviewers. Similarly the illustrative quotes chosen here are merely those the complete review subjectively believes represent the tenor and judgment of the review as a whole. We acknowledge (and remind and warn you) that they may, in fact, be entirely unrepresentative of the actual reviews by any other measure.

The complete review 's Review :

       Baby-faced in appearance, Gallic in name and often in attitude, English Wunderkind De Botton has achieved notable (and somewhat galling) success at an early age, with five books to his name before he turned thirty. On Love was his first novel ( Essays in Love , as the British original had it) -- though there are also similarly themed later novels, Kiss & Tell and The Romantic Movement . Love preoccupies the young author, as well it might, and though a big subject to tackle, De Botton tackles well.        The story of this novel is simplicity itself: a love affair, from its very beginning to its very end. De Botton's narrator describes falling in love with Chloe, being in love with her, and then getting over her. An old story, the twist here is in how De Botton relates it, dwelling and (over)analyzing each and every aspect, and looking to see greater truths in them.        De Botton is intelligent, and he chooses to approach his book cleverly. Clever and intelligent do not always mix, but De Botton manages quite well. Each relatively short chapter is further divided into numbered paragraphs, each a brief point (or often a brief digression) illuminating various aspects of the love between Chloe and the narrator -- and love in general. Young, well-educated, fairly well to do, neither is completely sympathetic. Part of De Botton's success is that he shows us everyday love in characters who are not particularly appealing. He revels in considering all aspects of love, including -- or rather, especially -- the mundane and everyday and trivial. There are charts and pictures and diagrams, and some of it is too cute and forced, but overall it is indeed a clever little book.        It is a young author's book, and we occasionally grimace at some of what De Botton tries -- but it is a difficult subject to handle well. Other people's love affairs are often not the most interesting of subjects, especially when one deals with the everyday minutiae, but for most of the book De Botton keeps us hooked with his interesting thoughts on love's many aspects. The almost banal affair itself does stifle the narrative (De Botton's strength is certainly essayistic, which is why his Proust book is far superior to the novels), but there are enough well-conceived flights of fancy to keep the reader amused.        In her review Francine Prose makes particular note of the chapter entitled Marxism , where the Marxism in question is not Karl's, but rather the Groucho's who didn't want to belong to any club that would have him. It is that sort of cleverness that fills the book, and those who are put off by it should turn elsewhere. Prose is correct in expecting that those who can't appreciate this notion (which De Botton handles very cleverly) would not enjoy the book. We would argue that the book is, on some level, even more demanding than that. De Botton is intelligent, and the book is rich in allusion and reference. While most of this is enjoyable, it is perhaps the place where he truly goes wrong: the references are too clever for the quality of his narrative (he is not quite up to snuff in the story-telling department yet), and so readers are left either disappointed by the writing or confused by the references.        We still recommend this book rather highly, as an interesting failed effort, with enough quality, humor, and cleverness (and love-talk !) to satisfy. Like all of De Botton's book, it makes one think -- though without being overly taxing.

About the Author :

       English author Alain de Botton was born in Switzerland in 1969 and educated at Cambridge.

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Essays in Love Paperback – International Edition, April 8, 2008

Purchase options and add-ons.

• Print length 224 pages
• Language English
• Publisher McClelland & Stewart
• Publication date April 8, 2008
• Dimensions 5.51 x 0.55 x 8.5 inches
• ISBN-10 0771026064
• ISBN-13 978-0771026065
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• Publisher ‏ : ‎ McClelland & Stewart; First Edition (April 8, 2008)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Paperback ‏ : ‎ 224 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0771026064
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0771026065
• Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 10.4 ounces
• Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.51 x 0.55 x 8.5 inches

About the author

Alain de botton.

Alain de Botton is the author of Essays in Love (1993), The Romantic Movement (1994), Kiss and Tell (1995), How Proust can Change your Life (1997), The Consolations of Philosophy (2000) The Art of Travel (2002), Status Anxiety (2004) and most recently, The Architecture of Happiness (2006).

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The Course of Love review – philosophy overload

Alain de Botton ’s first novel in 23 years – his quirky, autobiographical debut, Essays in Love , was written when he was just 23 – again takes love as its theme. Like its predecessor, it explores the myths and minutiae of courtship and relationships. It charts a couple’s marriage from the first flowering of attraction and the glow of the proposal to the everyday business of life as husband and wife. It maps the small shifts in their sex life and explores the way in which habits and behaviour which once endeared them to one another become sources of irritation and frustration.

Rabih and Kirsten’s story is an intentionally ordinary one. They meet, they fall in love, they marry, they encounter small obstacles in their personal and professional lives, they have children. One of them is unfaithful. The marriage strains but does not crack.

While the book is being promoted as a novel rather than a work of philosophy, De Botton’s interests as an essayist, in work, sex, happiness, in how we live and what we live for, are still very much to the fore. The narrative is intercut with a series of italicised interjections, unpicking the couple’s motivations and impulses, dissecting their decisions. For example: “Nature imbeds in us insistent dreams of success”; and “The accusations we direct at our lovers make no particular sense. We would utter such unfair things to no one else on earth.”

The contrast between these passages and the world of the characters makes for some appealing juxtapositions. Sometimes the observations are acute and telling – De Botton is good on the politics of laundry, the compromise of domesticity – but there’s an insistence on universality that borders on the smug.

He lays out his thesis, that society builds in us the expectation that our stories will play out in certain ways, that it’s healthy and necessary to document disappointment and disillusionment, that so much of the tension in a marriage is self-generated, a product of the gulf between the life people feel they should be living and the life they are living.

The Course of Love is at its strongest when De Botton steps back and allows the couple to breathe. There’s a lot of truth and humour in his account of the earliest days of their marriage as he highlights the intricate web of pressures, both self-imposed and external, that lead them to make certain choices. Rabih loves Kirsten, but he’s also tired of a life alone. They marry, in part, because they feel it is time to marry, that they are in the marrying stage of their lives, and in the beginning, for both of them, marriage is a kind of performance: they are both playing roles, the choices they make shaped as much by their own emotions as by their family histories, their upbringings, the city in which they live, and the paths their peers are going down.

While Rabih and Kirsten’s story is always engaging and there’s an ease and believability to them as a couple, the outside voice comes to feel grating and intrusive after a while, in its pronouncements and the narrowness of its outlook, in its continual desire to pin down the mess and complexity of the human experience, to bind it and box it.

The Course of Love is published by Hamish Hamilton (£14.99). Click here to buy it for £11.99

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• By Wendy on 05-06-14

When the Song of the Angels Is Stilled

• A Before Watson Novel

By: A. S. Croyle

• Narrated by: Cat Gould
• Length: 12 hrs and 31 mins
• Overall 4.5 out of 5 stars 25
• Performance 4.5 out of 5 stars 25
• Story 4 out of 5 stars 25

It is Spring, 1874, and 20-year-old Sherlock Holmes is a lonely, mopey, friendless Oxford student. He attends classes and spends countless solitary hours conducting chemical experiments, reading, and playing his violin. Suddenly, his life changes because of a serendipitous moment on campus. While walking on the grounds of the university and practicing fencing moves with his foil, he encounters Victor Trevor and his sweetheart, Poppy Stamford, younger sister of the man who will one day introduce Sherlock to Dr. John Watson.

Decent book, but not a great mystery

• By AdaChaDad on 09-20-16

The Good Enough Parent

• Length: 3 hrs and 41 mins
• Overall 4.5 out of 5 stars 37
• Performance 5 out of 5 stars 32
• Story 4.5 out of 5 stars 32

Bringing up a child to be an authentic and mentally robust adult is one of life’s great challenges. It is also, fortunately, not a matter of luck. The Good Enough Parent is a compendium of life lessons, including how to say ‘no’ to a child you adore, how to look beneath the surface of ‘bad’ behavior to work out what might really be going on, how to encourage a child to be genuinely kind, and how to handle the moods and gloom of adolescence.

Changed me a lot as a father

• By Michael Berger on 04-23-24

Self-Knowledge

• Narrated by: Fiona Buckland
• Length: 1 hr and 16 mins
• Overall 4.5 out of 5 stars 65
• Performance 4.5 out of 5 stars 56
• Story 4.5 out of 5 stars 54

In Ancient Greece, when the philosopher Socrates was asked to sum up what all philosophical commandments could be reduced to, he replied: "Know yourself". Self-knowledge matters so much because it is only on the basis of an accurate sense of who we are that we can make reliable decisions - particularly around love and work. This book takes us on a journey into our deepest, most elusive selves and arms us with a set of tools to understand our characters properly.

• 1 out of 5 stars

terrible voice

• By Tina Crosby on 08-27-20

What They Forgot to Teach You at School

• Essential Emotional Lessons Needed to Thrive
• Length: 3 hrs and 18 mins
• Overall 4.5 out of 5 stars 56
• Performance 5 out of 5 stars 49
• Story 5 out of 5 stars 48

We probably went to school for what felt like a very long time. We probably took care with our homework. Along the way we surely learned intriguing things about equations, the erosion of glaciers, the history of the Middle Ages, and the tenses of foreign languages. But why, despite all the lessons we sat through, were we never taught the really important things that dominate and trouble our lives: who to start a relationship with, how to trust people, how to understand one’s psyche, how to move on from sorrow or betrayal, and how to cope with anxiety and shame?

• By Anonymous User on 07-18-21

2 Minutes to Midnight

• Strange Tales of the Unusual

By: Steve D. Lang

• Narrated by: John Pirhalla
• Length: 8 hrs and 46 mins
• Overall 4 out of 5 stars 17
• Performance 4.5 out of 5 stars 16
• Story 4 out of 5 stars 16

Twenty-six short stories that will amaze you. Among others: Curiosity Rover discovers a locked door in the side of Mount Sharp, on Mars, and three scientists are sent on a mission to discover what lies within the ancient structure. Will they locate the mysterious libraries of a civilization lost, and survive to tell about their discoveries in "The Mars Tetrahedron"? Plus, you'll hear "The Day Satan Quit" and much much more.

• By Christopher on 08-22-16

Publisher's summary

Essays in Love is a stunningly original love story. Taking in Aristotle, Wittgenstein, history, religion and Groucho Marx, Alain de Botton charts the progress of a love affair from the first kiss to argument and reconciliation, from intimacy and tenderness to the onset of anxiety and heartbreak.

• Unabridged Audiobook
• Categories: Literature & Fiction

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The architecture of happiness.

• The Prisoner of Zenda

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It’s 1984, and life has changed beyond recognition. Airstrip One, formerly known as Great Britain, is a place where Big Brother is always watching, and nobody can hide. Except, perhaps, for Winston Smith. Whilst working at the Ministry of Truth, rewriting history, he secretly dreams of freedom. And in a world where love and sex are forbidden, where it’s hard to distinguish between friend and foe, he meets Julia and O’Brien and vows to rebel.

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The actual book The Art of War, not a commentary

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Enjoyable Read

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This newer edition of the King James Bible published in 1769 is usually preferred by most that read it over the older 1611 version. This 1769 edition is highly sought after due to being more reader/listener friendly than the 1611 since many typos were fixed.... We hope your new audio bible will go everywhere with you and be a blessing for years to come.

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Contrary to common reviews

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Haunting ending

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Many elegant words used for a simple topic.

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Dull, suggestions for better alternatives

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The second part of the book was really good perceived failure.

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What listeners say about Essays in Love

• 4.5 out of 5 stars 4.4 out of 5.0
• 5 Stars 180
• 4.5 out of 5 stars 4.5 out of 5.0
• 5 Stars 170
• 4.5 out of 5 stars 4.3 out of 5.0
• 5 Stars 152

Reviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.

Audible.com reviews, amazon reviews.

• Overall 5 out of 5 stars
• Performance 5 out of 5 stars
• Story 5 out of 5 stars

Thought provoking and well performed

I enjoyed this peek into the brain of a young man contemplating love and romance, and found it to be enlightening and relatable. The narrator keeps things moving along crisply, which is crucial since much of the book is comprised not of action but of musings. I look forward to listening to The Course of Love next.

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• Reem Alsmaiel

Enjoyable read

I enjoyed this book thoroughly. I liked how it captured the man’s point of view throughout the relationship journey. I would recommend this book to anyone interested in understanding love in all its stages.

Brilliantly plucks and weaves love's nuances

What did you love best about Essays in Love?

The story is engaging. There are really good points made, great references, and de Botton analyzes the nuances of falling in and out of love with the perspective and depth of someone who's lived a thousand lives. The narrator's voice is very attractive.

What does James Wilby bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

Great voice. Very warm and theatrical (not in an exaggerated way) at the same time.

Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?

Yes. It was so hard to even go to sleep. I had my Audible on sleep timer several times but didn't want to miss anything to grogginess. So I would relisten the same parts the next day. This book is so wise.

Any additional comments?

Definitely listen to this.

3 people found this helpful

• Overall 4 out of 5 stars
• Performance 3 out of 5 stars
• Story 4 out of 5 stars

• Anonymous User

Good story, poor narration

The narrator is too dramatic which unfortunately ruins some moments. I enjoyed the story though.

• Colby L Mortensen

Unbearably profound in its complexity and depth. So attuned to the nuances of romances spells, and an amazing gift of disillusionment.

• Performance 4 out of 5 stars

• Maria L. Lantin

Every relationship you've ever analyzed

Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend? If so, why?

I wouldn't recommend this book to all my friends but I know that some of them would enjoy it as much as I did. It's for romantics that think too much sometimes. It's for realists that love to fall in love nevertheless.

What was one of the most memorable moments of Essays in Love?

There are many memorable moments...but perhaps what stands out now after a couple weeks is the way intimacy in the couple is revealed and lost. The fight scenes are funny in a "oh yeah, I've been there" kinda way.

Have you listened to any of James Wilby’s other performances before? How does this one compare?

It was my first James Wilby book and I enjoyed his reading very much.

Who was the most memorable character of Essays in Love and why?

I guess it was the main male character because he's so introspective to the point of absurdity but also insightful.

5 people found this helpful

• Andre Mendes

One day binge

Simply could not put this book down. There are so few stories, love stories fewer still, that capture real life so well. The book itself is a beautiful mix of philosophical topics with narrative that makes for such an enlightening and enjoyable listening experience. Very well performed, I'd highly recommend it to anyone looking for a realistic love story.

2 people found this helpful

• Story 3 out of 5 stars

So close but not quite

I really like Alain de Botton, and really wanted to love this book but unfortunately the narrative pales in comparison to his philosophical digressions. Having said that, it did make me see my past relationships in a new light. The narrator was very good, although his female voice could be better.

Bewildering!

The narrator's voice was sublime, as always. The story in itself was mundane, much unlike the author's take on love and his stunning talent in analyzing every psychological aspect of its every stages.

I love this story.

I like the life nugget sprinkled through out this love story. It’s so real. Need to listen to it again.

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Main Events

Main Events are events that further the main story of Lessons in Love and often feature multiple girls. Main events occur automatically once their requirements are met. Requirements for main events usually include being past a certain day, but also frequently include having seen other main and character events.

They have no specific color. They are repeatable in the Scene Replay.

• 1 Chapter 1
• 2 Chapter 2
• 3 Chapter 3
• 4 Chapter 4
• Main events

• This page was last edited on 20 April 2024, at 23:10.
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• About Lessons in Love
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Idaho Man Is Found Guilty of Murder in ‘Doomsday’ Killings

Chad Daybell was convicted of first-degree murder in the deaths of his first wife and two of his current wife’s children. His wife, Lori Vallow Daybell, was previously sentenced to life in prison.

By Christine Hauser and Orlando Mayorquín

A jury in Idaho on Thursday found Chad Daybell guilty of first-degree murder in the killings in 2019 of his first wife and two of his current wife’s children in a case that drew widespread attention because of the couple’s “doomsday” religious beliefs.

Mr. Daybell, 55, maintained a blank expression as he stood next to his lawyer, John Prior, while the verdict was read on Thursday.

In addition to three counts of first-degree murder, Mr. Daybell was found guilty of two counts of conspiracy to commit first-degree murder and grand theft by deception, one count of conspiracy to commit first-degree murder and two counts of insurance fraud.

In 2021, prosecutors charged Mr. Daybell Mr. Daybell and his wife, Lori Vallow Daybell, in the deaths of two of Ms. Vallow Daybell’s children, Joshua Vallow, 7, known as J.J.; and Tylee Ryan, 16. Mr. Daybell was also charged with murder in the death of his previous spouse, Tammy Daybell.

The jury began deliberating on Wednesday in Ada County District Court in Boise, Idaho. Judge Steven W. Boyce of the Seventh Judicial District, noted after the verdict was read that prosecutors had filed a notice of intent to pursue the death penalty. After a short recess, the judge said a sentencing hearing would begin on Friday morning.

Mr. Daybell and Ms. Vallow Daybell, now 50, pleaded not guilty to the charges. She was sentenced to three consecutive life terms in prison without parole in July.

The couple’s religious beliefs had drawn outsize attention to the case for years. According to the indictment, they “did endorse and teach religious beliefs for the purpose of justifying” the deaths of the children. News headlines labeled Ms. Vallow Daybell the “Doomsday Mom.”

Mr. Daybell has written novels with doomsday themes, and both he and Ms. Vallow Daybell were linked to an entity called Preparing a People, which aims to ready its followers for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, its website said.

Mr. Daybell and Ms. Vallow Daybell married after the death of his wife, Tammy Daybell, in 2019. At first, her death was attributed to natural causes, but it was re-examined after Ms. Vallow’s children disappeared and the authorities investigated whether there was a potential connection.

An autopsy found that Tammy Daybell died of asphyxiation, and that her death occurred about a month after Mr. Daybell had increased the amount of coverage in a life insurance policy for her.

In February 2020, Ms. Vallow Daybell was arrested in Hawaii after the authorities said that she had not cooperated in the search for the missing children. Their remains were found in June of that year, buried on Mr. Daybell’s property in Idaho. He was arrested and charged with concealing evidence.

The case, which drew widespread attention for its underpinnings in extreme religious beliefs, was the subject of a Lifetime movie and a Netflix documentary series, “Sins of Our Mother.”

An earlier version of this article misidentified the Idaho county where Chad Daybell was tried. It is Ada County, not Fremont County.

How we handle corrections

Christine Hauser is a reporter, covering national and foreign news. Her previous jobs in the newsroom include stints in Business covering financial markets and on the Metro desk in the police bureau. More about Christine Hauser

Orlando Mayorquín is a breaking news reporter, based in New York, and a member of the 2023-24 Times Fellowship class , a program for journalists early in their careers. More about Orlando Mayorquín