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How to Be a Better Person

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and international bestselling author. Her books, including "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do," have been translated into more than 40 languages. Her TEDx talk,  "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong," is one of the most viewed talks of all time.

We all want to be our best, but many people wonder if it's actually possible to become a better person once you're an adult. The answer is a resounding yes. There are always ways to improve yourself. This answer leads to more questions, however.

How can you improve yourself to be a better person? What is the easiest approach? And what are the most important aspects of self to work on? Taking into account your own well-being as well as the best interests of others, here are some of the most important ways to become a better person. 

Let Go of Anger

KOLOstock / Getty Images 

We all experience anger in our lives. Uncontrolled anger, however, can create problems in our relationships and even with our health. All of this can lead to more stress and additional problems, complicating life and keeping us from being our best selves. That's why learning to manage and eventually let go of anger is so important to becoming a better person.

Letting go of anger isn't always easy. But the first step is learning more about recognizing anger and knowing what to do when you feel angry in your life.

Recognizing anger is often simple if you make an effort to notice when you feel upset and decide to manage this feeling rather than denying it or lashing out at others as a way of coping. Focus on noticing when you feel angry and why, and know that there is a difference between feeling angry and acting on that anger. Then, know your options.

You can change your beliefs about what is making you angry. This can work by learning more about the situation, or even reminding yourself there may be things you don't know yet.

Remind yourself that maybe that person who cut you off in traffic was distracted by something challenging in their own life. If a friend seems to be rude to you, inquire about how their day is going and find out if there's more that you don't know.

You can also focus on what your "anger triggers" are, and eliminate them as possible. For example, if you find yourself becoming frustrated and angry when you have to rush, work on making more space in your schedule (even if it means saying "no" a little more), and try to eliminate that trigger. If a certain person makes you angry, try to limit their role in your life if it doesn't work to talk things out with them first.

It's also important to learn to let go of grudges and residual anger from each day. Don't wake up holding a grudge from the night before if you can help it. Focus on forgiveness , even if it means you don't let someone who wronged you continue to have an important role in your life. When you stay in the present moment as much as possible, this becomes easier.

Practicing stress relievers like meditation can also help you to let go of anger. Focus on releasing the hold that the past may have on you. Put your attention to the current moment and it becomes easier to avoid rumination and stay in a good place.

Support Others

Helping others may seem like an obvious route to becoming a better person. We often think of "good people" as those who are willing to sacrifice for others. This, in the minds of many, is what makes a person "good." However, good deeds can also make us better people because of the connection between altruism and emotional well-being.

According to research, it just may be true that it's better to give than to receive. So while you may feel too stressed and busy to extend help to others when it's not absolutely necessary, expanding your ability to focus on the needs of others can really help you as well. It’s true:  Altruism  is its own reward and can actually help you relieve stress.

Studies show that altruism is good for your emotional well-being and can measurably enhance your peace of mind.  

For example, one study found that dialysis patients, transplant patients, and family members who became support volunteers for other patients experienced increased personal growth and emotional well-being.

Another study on patients with multiple sclerosis (MS) showed that those who offered other MS patients peer support actually experienced greater benefits than their supported peers, including more pronounced improvement of confidence, self-awareness , self-esteem , depression, and daily functioning. Those who offered support generally found that their lives were dramatically changed for the better.

In addition to making the world a better place, exercising your altruism can make you a happier, more compassionate person. Because there are so many ways to express altruism, this is a simple route to being a better person, one that is available to all of us every day. This is good news indeed.

Leverage Your Strengths

Losing track of time when you’re absorbed in fulfilling work or another engaging activity, or what psychologists refer to as " flow ," is a familiar state for most of us. Flow is what happens when you get deeply involved in a hobby, in learning a new skill or subject, or in engaging in activities that supply just the right mix of challenge and ease.   

When we feel too challenged, we feel stressed. When things are too easy, we may become bored—either way, finding the sweet spot between these two extremes keeps us engaged in a very good way.

You can experience flow by writing, dancing, creating, or absorbing new material that you can teach others.

What may bring you to that state of being may be challenging for others, and vice versa. Think about when you find yourself in this state most often, and try doing more of that.

The state of flow is a good indicator of whether an activity is right for you. When you're in a state of flow, you're leveraging your strengths, and this turns out to be great for your emotional health and happiness. It's also a very positive thing for the rest of the world because your strengths can usually be used to help others in some way. 

When you learn enough about yourself to know what your best strengths are and find out how to use them for the benefit of others, you're on your way to being a better person, and a happier one as well.

Use the "Stages of Change" Model

Ask yourself: If you had a magic wand, what would you like to see in your future? Ignoring the ideas of how you’ll get there, vividly imagine your ideal life, and what would be included in it.

Take a few minutes to list, on paper or on your computer, the changes and goals that would be included in this picture. Be specific about what you want. It’s okay if you want something that you seemingly have no control over, such as a mate who is perfect for you. Just write it down.

You may follow the lead of many businesses and have a one-year, five-year, and 10-year plan for your life. (It doesn’t have to be a set-in-stone  plan , but a list of wishes and goals.) Keeping in mind what you hope for in your future can help you feel less stuck in the stressful parts of your present life, and help you see more options for change as they present themselves.

There are several ways to focus on change, but the stages of change model can lead you to your best self perhaps more easily than many other paths. This model of change can be adapted to whatever mindset you have right now and can work for most people.

The Stages of Change Model

• Precontemplation : Ignoring the problem
• Contemplation : Aware of the problem
• Preparation : Getting ready to change
• Action : Taking direct action toward the goal
• Maintenance : Maintaining new behavior
• Relapse : Reaffirm your goal and commitment to change

One of the most important parts of this route to change is that you don't push yourself to make changes before you're ready, and you don't give up if you find yourself backsliding—it's a forgivable and even expected part of the process of change. Understanding this plan for making changes can help you to be a better person in whatever ways you choose.

Press Play for Advice on Creating Change

This episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how to use the six stages of change to apply them to your own process of change. Click below to listen now.

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Take Care of Yourself

Stígur Már Karlsson / Heimsmyndir / Getty Images

You may not always have control over the circumstances you face. But you  can  control how well you take care of yourself, which can affect your stress levels and enable you to grow as a person when you face life's challenges.

Self-care is vital for building resilience when facing unavoidable stressors for several reasons. When you're tired, eating poorly, or generally run down, you will likely be more reactive to the stress you face in your life. You can even end up creating more problems for yourself by reacting poorly rather than responding from a place of calm inner strength.

Conversely, when you're taking good care of yourself (both your physical and mental health ), you can be more thoughtfully engaged with whatever comes, use the resources you have in your life, and grow from the challenges you face, rather than merely surviving them.

Taking proper care of your body, soul, and mind can keep you in optimum shape for handling stress. That gives you added resilience to manage those challenges in life that we all face, as well as those that may be unique to you.

Basics of Self-Care

In terms of self-care strategies , there are several that can help, but some of the most important aspects of self-care include the basics:

• Connection with others

Sleep is important for your emotional and physical well-being because too little or poor quality sleep can leave you feeling more stressed and less able to brainstorm solutions to problems you face. Lack of sleep can take a toll on your body as well, both in the short term and in the long run. Poor sleep can even affect your weight.

The same is true with poor nutrition. A poor diet can leave you feeling bloated and tired, and can add extra pounds over time. You need the right fuel to face life's challenges, but when stress hits, it's often the unhealthy food we crave.

Social Connections

Feeling connected to others can help you feel more resilient. Good friends can help you to process negative emotions, brainstorm solutions, and get your mind off your problems when necessary. It's sometimes challenging to find time for friends when you have a busy, stressful life, but our friends often make us better people both with their support and their inspiration.

Finally, it is important to take a little time for yourself. This can mean journaling and meditation, or it can come in the form of exercise or even watching re-runs at home. This is particularly important for introverts , but everyone needs some time to themselves, at least sometimes.

Learn to Be User-Friendly

Our relationships can create a haven from stress, and help us to become better people at the same time. They can also be a  significant source of stress when there is conflict that is resolved poorly or left to fester. The beauty of this is that as we do the work it takes to become a better friend, partner, and family member, it can also be a path to becoming a better person.

To improve your relationships and yourself, learn conflict resolution skills. These skills include being a good listener, understanding the other side when you are in conflict, and anger management techniques .

These things can help us be better versions of ourselves. They can also minimize the stress we experience in relationships, making these relationships stronger. Close relationships usually provide plenty of opportunities to practice these skills as you work on improving them, so you can perhaps even appreciate the opportunities when they arise and feel less upset.

Mental Health Foundation. Cool down: Anger and how to deal with it .

Post SG. Altruism, happiness, and health: It's good to be good . Int J Behav Med . 2005;12(2):66-77. doi:10.1207/s15327558ijbm1202_4

Cheron G. How to measure the psychological "flow"? A neuroscience perspective . Front Psychol . 2016;7:1823. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01823

Sadler-Gerhardt CJ, Stevenson DL. When it all hits the fan: Helping counselors build resilience and avoid burnout . American Counseling Association VISTAS 2012(1).

National Sleep Foundation. How much sleep do we really need?

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

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How to Be a Better Person: A Guide to Self-Improvement

Last Updated: April 19, 2024 Fact Checked

This article was co-authored by Camber Hill and by wikiHow staff writer, Aly Rusciano . Camber Hill is a numerologist, author, speaker, and the owner of Camber Hill Coaching based in Long Beach, California. For over 37 years, Camber has coached entrepreneurs, creatives, business executives, and professional sports figures. He has also inspired creatives in the entertainment industry such as professional directors, writers, actors, and top radio personalities. Camber’s unique use of numerology allows him to understand the under-current which drives his clients to create long-term solutions and measurable results. His work has been featured in the History Channel's "The Human Calculator," The Los Angeles Times, Palm Springs Life Magazine, and California radio programs. He is also a member of The International Coaching Federations and is a board member of the ICF Orange County's Board of Directors. Additionally, Camber is distinguished as a certified business owner by the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. There are 20 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 1,731,085 times.

Life can be a whirlwind of responsibilities and stress, but with the right focus, you can start becoming a better person and who you want to be. In this article, we’ll help you learn how to be a better person in a number of different ways. From honoring yourself to doing small acts of kindness, there’s something you can do each and every day to better yourself and grow as an individual. Keep reading to learn how you can embark on your self-improvement journey.

Things You Should Know

• Keep a gratitude journal to be more positive and compassionate.
• Take care of your mental and physical health to brighten your mood and be happier.
• Find healthier outlets for anger, like exercising and doing yoga, to redirect negative emotions.

Set goals for yourself.

• Is there a relationship in your life you want to improve?
• What causes or movements are you passionate about?
• Is there a project you’ve been meaning to finish?
• What do you like to do in your free time?
• Making your goal to “be a better” person may be challenging to define and achieve. Instead, opt for small goals that can help you grow as an individual, like reading a nonfiction book, writing a short story, calling your mom every weekend, or helping someone in need every day.

Practice forgiveness.

• Dwelling on past wrongs can actually increase your blood pressure and heart rate, while forgiveness can help manage and lower stress.

Be empathetic towards others.

• Avoid making assumptions about people and jumping to conclusions.
• Imagine yourself in someone else’s shoes or situation.
• Actively listen to express interest and help someone feel heard.

Give back to your community.

• Aim to practice at least one act of kindness every day. It doesn’t have to be something big or time-consuming. Even leaving a sticky note on a public bathroom mirror saying, “You’re beautiful inside and out!” can make someone’s day.
• When you help others, you get a rush of endorphins that make you feel good. This is known as the “helper’s high.”

wikiHow Quiz: What Kind of Reality Check Do I Need?

Pick a sea creature:, go outside your comfort zone..

• Make a bucket list of things you can do outside of your comfort zone. Then, spend every other weekend checking an activity off the list.
• Ask friends to join you on your adventures for double the fun.
• Experiment with a different routine by going to a different coffee shop for lunch or taking an alternative route to work.
• Don’t be afraid to challenge yourself. The impossible can be obtainable if you put your best foot forward.

Learn something new.

• Sign up for a class you're interested in online or at a library. Maybe that’s an art class or a course on American Literature.
• Read a nonfiction book.
• Listen to a podcast about a topic you want to learn more about, like business, money, culture, or mental health.

Acknowledge your weaknesses.

• For instance, if friends don’t usually come to you for advice, ask yourself why. Do you talk over them or criticize their decisions? Maybe you need to work on being a better listener.
• The more you learn to be flexible and adaptable with your behavior, the better you can care for yourself and those around you.

Control your anger.

• Try redirecting your anger away from yourself and others by going on a walk, doing yoga, or punching a pillow.
• Calm yourself down by taking deep belly breaths and visualizing a relaxing or joyful memory.
• Reconstruct your thinking patterns by avoiding words like “never” or “always” to describe yourself or others.
• Reader Poll: We asked 354 wikiHow readers, and 51% of them admitted that they typically respond to negative emotions by lashing out at others . [Take Poll] Instead, try journaling or taking deep breaths to calm yourself.

Express your feelings respectfully.

• “You never listen to me anymore,” changes to, “I feel that my concerns aren’t being heard.”
• “I hate when you shout at the kids,” changes to, “When you shout at the kids, I feel upset because I want the kids to feel respected.”
• “You’re always grounding me. It’s not fair!” changes to, “I feel like you’re always grounding me, and it upsets me.”

Be grateful.

• Keep a gratitude journal or make a gratitude list to highlight all the things you're thankful for each day, big or small. [11] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
• Savor surprises by appreciating the thought that was put into them.
• Share what you’re thankful for with others. For instance, if your brother helped you move your couch, let him know how much you appreciate his help. [12] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source

Be patient.

• For instance, maybe you ordered a pizza for family game night, but the deliverer is stuck in traffic. Instead of getting frustrated, recognize that the extra time waiting for your pizza has given you more time to pick out a game. Plus, you’ll probably get a discounted pizza.
• Another example could be that your computer starts updating the moment you want to work. Rather than getting upset, use the extra minutes of downtime to play with your dog, take a walk, or do some tidying up.

Be yourself.

• Enroll in classes that spark your interest to learn a new skill or find a new passion.
• Do things that are meaningful to you to help you feel fulfilled. [15] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source

Take care of yourself.

• Aim to get at least 7 hours of sleep every night to help your mind and body recharge. [17] X Trustworthy Source Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services Go to source
• Eat food that nourishes your mind and body. Aim to eat whole foods, but don’t restrict yourself—it’s okay to have a cookie every now and then!
• Do a form of exercise you enjoy for at least 30 minutes every day. Maybe that’s walking, dancing, hiking, doing yoga, or kickboxing.

Accept that change happens.

• Try your best not to dwell on the past. Instead, focus on the present moment . Change is inevitable, but you can roll with the punches.

Be kind to yourself.

• Pretend you’re writing a letter to a friend in a similar situation. How would you talk them through it?
• Place your hand over your heart and whisper positive affirmations to yourself when you’re down, like “I am safe,” “I am kind to myself,” and “I am smart and have a big heart.”
• Note your accomplishments and achievements without criticism by responding rationally to self-critical thoughts. Acknowledge where the critic comes from and then prove it wrong in a logical way. [20] X Research source
• Look in the mirror every morning and compliment yourself. You could say something like, “You’re beautiful, no matter what,” or “You have the brightest smile.”

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Expert Q&A

• Follow the golden rule “treat others the way you want to be treated” to be a kind person. Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0

Tips from our Readers

• Remember that the journey of self improvement never ends. You won't eventually reach a place where you're suddenly "totally better" -- just try to be a little better every day.
• If you haven't found your talent(s) yet, try to find out your family members' talents. Maybe they passed something down to you!
• Be happy for others. You'll feel great and respect yourself more, and others will appreciate your good feelings towards them.
• When you feel stressed out, take a deep breath and think about a way you can handle the situation before reacting.
• Handle things with patience. Try putting yourself in the other person's shoes when you're dealing with someone.
• Being happy rubs off on other people. Even if it's just acting, be happy and it will make others happier, too!
• Respect works both ways. Respect others from the start and they'll respect you, too.
• Choose good friends that accept you for who you are and support you.

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/notes-self/201308/how-set-goals
• ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition#why_practice
• ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition#what_is
• ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/altruism/definition#what_is
• ↑ https://www.waldenu.edu/programs/psychology/resource/the-pros-and-cons-of-comfort-zones
• ↑ https://collegeinfogeek.com/self-education/
• ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/a-self-improvement-secret-work-on-strengths/
• ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
• ↑ https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
• ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/gratitude/definition#why_practice
• ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/tips_for_keeping_a_gratitude_journal
• ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/10_steps_to_savoring_the_good_things_in_life
• ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/7-tips-for-better-patience-yes-youll-need-to-practice/
• ↑ https://repository.upenn.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1064;context=mapp_capstone
• ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_foolproof_ways_to_feel_more_joy_in_2015
• ↑ https://www.nami.org/Your-Journey/Family-Members-and-Caregivers/Taking-Care-of-Yourself
• ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/sleep/about_sleep/how_much_sleep.html
• ↑ https://www.fnu.edu/person/
• ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_self_compassion_beats_rumination
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/201107/how-stop-the-self-criticism-and-feel-better-about-you

About This Article

If you want to be a better person, try to control your negative emotions, like anger and jealousy, since this will help you be more compassionate to others and to yourself. Try to empathize with people and imagine what it’s like to feel what they feel so you can be more sensitive to their emotions. For example, if someone is getting frustrated, try to imagine what thoughts and emotions they might be experiencing, so you can understand where they're coming from. Dwelling on the past can often bring you down, so try to forgive others when they make mistakes. For instance, if your boss is blunt with you, let it go, since they're probably under a lot of stress. You can also strive to do random acts of kindness every day, like holding the door open for someone, helping an elderly person carry their shopping, or paying for a stranger’s coffee. For more tips from our Counselling co-author, including how to set goals to improve yourself, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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50 Essays Guaranteed to Make You a Better Person

It’s hard to be a person in the world today — or, really, any day, but today’s what we’ve got. Humans are striving creatures, and also empathetic ones, so most of us are always looking for an opportunity to improve ourselves, even in tiny, literary ways. We’ve already established that novels can make you a better person , but of course, novels also take you down a long winding road to get there. If you’re looking for a more direct shot to the heart, try an essay. After the jump, you’ll find 50 essays more or less guaranteed to make you a better person — or at least a better-read one — some recommended by notables of the literary and literary nonfiction world, some recommended by yours truly, incessant consumer of the written word. Don’t see the essay that changed your life? Please do add it to the list.

”Documents,” Charles D’Ambrosio

(Recommended by Leslie Jamison, author of The Empathy Exams )

“You could call Charles D’Ambrosio’s essay “Documents” a piece of memoir, an act of urgent fraternal curiosity, a parade of ghosts — and it’s all of these, but formally it’s really a series of close-readings connected by deep grooves of loss. D’Ambrosio examines texts written by his father and his troubled brothers — including letters, a suicide note, and a fanciful poem — in order to meditate on the intimacies and ruptures that have structured his family. As is the nature of his brilliance, D’Ambrosio resists conclusions. He honors the complexity embedded in his grief—not always a source of solace, but ultimately a powerful kind of tribute.”

“Documents” will appear this November in Loitering . For now, read it here .

”Some Thoughts on Mercy,” Ross Gay

This essay is, unfortunately, more relevant than ever. Poet Ross Gay delves not only into the terrible prejudices with which people of color in America struggle every day, but also into the way those prejudices influence their own perception, their own idea of themselves. “Look how I’ve been made by this,” he writes.

“But what if we acknowledged those fears, regardless of how awful or shameful they are? What if we acknowledged this country’s terrible and ongoing history of imagining its own citizens — indigenous, black, Japanese American, Arab American, Latino — as monsters? What if we acknowledged the drug war, and the resulting mass incarceration of African Americans, and the myriad intermediate crimes against citizens and communities as a product of our fears? And what if we thereby had to reevaluate our sense of justice and the laws and procedures and beliefs that constitute it? What if we honestly assessed what we have come to believe about ourselves and each other, and how those beliefs shape our lives? And what if we did it with generosity and forgiveness? What if we did it with mercy?”

As an added bonus, there is also some really beautiful stuff about bees.

Read it here .

“Some Notes on Attunement,” Zadie Smith

In this gorgeous essay, Zadie Smith describes falling in love with Joni Mitchell — and also has some intelligent and universally useful things to say about the value of emotional and intellectual openness. “Faith involves an acceptance of absurdity,” she writes. “To get us to that point, Kierkegaard hopes to ‘attune’ us, systematically discarding all the usual defenses we put up in the face of the absurd. Of course, loving Joni Mitchell does not require an acceptance of absurdity. I’m speaking of the minor category of the aesthetic, not the monument of the religious. But if you want to effect a breach in that stolid edifice the human personality I think it helps to cultivate this Kierkegaardian sense of defenselessness. Kierkegaard’s simple man makes a simple mistake: he wants to translate the mystery of the Biblical story into terms that he can comprehend. His failure has something to teach us. Sometimes it is when we stop trying to understand or interrogate apparently ‘absurd’ phenomena — like the category of the ‘new’ in art — that we become more open to them. Put simply: you need to lower your defenses.”

”The Aquarium,” Aleksandar Hemon

The last essay in Hemon’s wonderful The Book of My Lives is also the most stirring. In it, he recounts — with such gentleness, with such grace, with such bare grief — his family’s life after his nine-month-old daughter was diagnosed with cancer, a brain tumor. They say it’s the development of empathy that improves the emotional capacities of people who read literature, and if so, this essay must be the most effective piece of writing around. It will not only make you cry and call all your loved ones, but it will add Hemon, unalterably, to the list.

“In History,” Jamaica Kincaid

(Recommended by Jen Percy, author of Demon Camp )

“Kincaid, who is from Antigua, feels her own history has been erased. ‘What to call the thing that happened to me and all who look like me? Should I call it history?’ When Christopher Columbus arrived to the New World, he named everything he saw, ​including Antigua, which he named after a church. ‘This church might have been ​an ​important church to Christopher Columbus​,​ but churches are not important, originally, to people who look like me.’​ ​Kincaid​ reminds us that ​Columbus​ was ​not naming but renaming the world. ‘That it is new only to him, that it had a substantial existence, physical and spiritual, before he became aware of it,’ she writes, ‘does not occur to him.’ There is a seething quality to Kincaid — humanizing but also seething. This essay make s​ you aware of the narratives you ​unknowingly ​impose on others, and will ​help you ​​think with greater sensitivity about race and power. It asks you not to forget. The false story of history might become your own — ​and ​you are complicit in the up​most​ sense of the word.”

“In History” appears in The Colors of Nature .

“Once More to the Lake,” E.B. White

Feel like getting in touch with your own mortality? No, I’m sure you don’t, but it might be good for you. This classic essay is a luminous reminder of the circle of life and the ultimate interconnectedness of all human beings, likely to leave you flat — but also, all things considered, rather better off.

“A Few Words About Breasts,” Nora Ephron

Firstly: laughter probably makes you a better person. And so does the kind of giggly, head-nodding empathy that Ephron always seems to evoke — she will always be the one to remind you that you’re part of the world, part of her world, and it isn’t so bad, even when it’s bad, terrible, and totally flat-chested.

“Total Eclipse,” Annie Dillard

One of the most cosmically beautiful essays of all time, and filled with wisdom to boot. Just one eggy taste: “There are a few more things to tell from this level, the level of the restaurant. One is the old joke about breakfast. ‘It can never be satisfied, the mind, never.’ Wallace Stevens wrote that, and in the long run he was right. The mind wants to live forever, or to learn a very good reason why not. The mind wants the world to return its love, or its awareness; the mind wants to know all the world, and all eternity, and God. The mind’s sidekick, however, will settle for two eggs over easy.

“The dear, stupid body is as easily satisfied as a spaniel. And, incredibly, the simple spaniel can lure the brawling mind to its dish. It is everlastingly funny that the proud, metaphysically ambitious, clamoring mind will hush if you give it an egg.”

”Forty-One False Starts,” Janet Malcolm

(Recommended by Rachel Aviv, staff writer at The New Yorker )

“This won’t make you a better person, I don’t think. But it will make you attuned to how impossible it is to ever really know someone. No one is better than Malcolm at revealing the way that people, with all their complexities (and mood swings and self-constructions), continually slip out of reach.”

Read the essay in Malcolm’s collection of the same name, Forty-One False Starts: Essays on Artists and Writers .

“Split at the Root,” Adrienne Rich

Essential reading for anyone struggling with the multiplicity of identity — so, everybody.

“Self-Reliance,” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know, I know, you’re asleep already, but there’s a reason we all had to read this in high school. Emerson’s basic message is so elemental, so American, perhaps, but still worthwhile: “Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.” Self-reliance, self-trust, self-belief — these things can go a long way towards just about anyone’s personal betterment.

“On Self-Respect,” Joan Didion

(Recommended by Sloane Crosley, author of How Did You Get This Number? )

“I don’t know if Joan Didion’s ‘On Self-Respect’ will make you a better person but it won’t make you a worse one (there are plenty of inward-facing essays that will). ‘On Self-Respect’ is an all-time favorite for how balanced and thoughtful it is, all the while acknowledging that we are not the balanced and thoughtful creatures we’d like to be, that we are quick to congratulate ourselves on compassion for the wrong reasons or to attack what we fear most in ourselves. It reaches deeply and quickly, separating out self-worth from self-respect, slyly highlighting the dangers of living to please and challenging our judgmental impulses, i.e. ‘To protest that some fairly improbable people, some people who could not possibly respect themselves , seem to sleep easily enough is to miss the point entirely.’ It also contains a killer Gone With The Wind reference.”

Read the essay here .

”Notes of a Native Son,” James Baldwin

One of the classics, and for good reason. “It was necessary to hold on to the things that mattered. The dead man mattered, the new life mattered; blackness and whiteness did not matter; to believe that they did was to acquiesce in one’s own destruction. Hatred, which could destroy so much, never failed to destroy the man who hated and this was an immutable law.” Almost 60 years later, and we still need to be reminded.

“Shunned,” Meredith Hall

Hall’s powerful essay details her experiences as a pregnant teenager in a small town in the ‘60s, cast out by family, church, friends. More poignant still is the way the reaction of those she thought loved her has infected the rest of her life — something we should all think about when leaping to judge or ostracize someone. “The shunning has created a deep shame that infuses my life. It makes me feel wildly vulnerable. I struggle still to claim a permanent space, an immutable relationship to those around me. It negates forever the ability to have a real friend. To speak in a room with confidence. To walk anyplace without believing that I have no right to be there and that I am in danger. In response I have built a formidable tenacity; my grandmother, never knowing its source, called me her ‘little rock of Gibraltar.’ I sometimes meet women and recognize in them an instinct to run, to be gone before harm can come again, mixed with a ferocious recklessness because nothing else can be taken. I wonder what they could have done to be paying such a price.”

“Blindness,” Jorge Luis Borges

Borges’s moving essay on his own “modest blindness” and the ways in which it has both inconvenienced and, more importantly, enriched his life will inspire anyone to embrace — or at least accept — their perceived flaws.

“Horseman, Pass By,” John Jeremiah Sullivan

(Recommended by Bronwen Dickey, essayist and journalist)

“You can read John Jeremiah Sullivan’s 2002 Harper’s essay ‘Horseman, Pass By’ a hundred times and never quite figure out how he does it — how the author shapes the loss of his father into a symphony that carries the reader across oceans of time, pondering the bond between man and horse. There are so many plates spinning at once — mortality, evolution, love, art, power, greed, and hope — that could have easily crashed at the hands of a lesser writer. But somehow, by the end of the piece, men and horses explain… everything. Not just for Sullivan, but for you .”

”The Love of My Life,” Cheryl Strayed

It’s hard, physically hard, to get through this essay. That’s how heartbreaking it is, how brutally raw, how plain brutal. You’ll carry it around with you for months. But you won’t be thinking about you and how hard this essay was to read — you’ll be thinking about how hard it must have been to actually live. After all, when it comes down to it, it’s mostly empathy for others, seeing outside ourselves, that makes us better people. Even (especially) when it’s hard.

”Notes on ‘Camp’,” Susan Sontag

Okay, okay, so this essay might not exactly make you a better person, but then again, as she quotes from Wilde, “It’s absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.” This essay is guaranteed to make you more charming, and less the other thing.

”Bad Feminist,” Roxane Gay

Feminism! Everyone should know what it means — and what it doesn’t mean. I would be amiss if I didn’t suggest that you read Gay’s entire, newly released essay collection of the same name, but if you only have 21 minutes to better yourself, here is a taste, published at VQR 2012.

“My Heroin Christmas,” Terry Castle

(Recommended by Meghan Daum, author of The Unspeakable…And Other Subjects of Discussion )

“Every essay in this 2010 collection by Stanford professor and renown scholar and cultural critic Terry Castle is a knockout, the most famous being her acerbic but ultimately affectionate retracing of her friendship (or, more accurately, ‘frenemy-ship’) with the late Susan Sontag. My favorite, however, deals with a less leonine figure, the jazz alto saxophone and clarinetist, Art Pepper. In ‘My Heroin Christmas,’ Castle writes of finding herself surprisingly engrossed in Pepper’s autobiography, Straight Life , which chronicles his lifelong struggles with heroin and his ‘Satanic fuck-it-all grandeur.’ Inexplicably drawn to the passionate, trainwrecked quality of Pepper’s life, Castle uses his story to channel some of her own dark family dramas. I love how this essay is at once totally erudite and totally irreverent. That’s Castle’s trademark blend.”

“No Name Woman,” Maxine Hong Kingston

In this lovely and strange essay, second-generation Chinese immigrant Maxine Hong Kingston explores and imagines her family’s secret: an aunt who drowned herself and her baby and is never spoken of. But Kingston gives her voice at long last, while investigating the damaging power of silence, the responsibilities of family, and the relationship of the dead to the living.

“The New Commandments,” Christopher Hitchens

In this short essay, Hitchens dissects the ten commandments (in their “Authorized” version) and suggests some rewrites. Whatever your religious beliefs, it’s hard to argue with that wallop of a final paragraph (and if you can argue, read it again, you need this):

“It’s difficult to take oneself with sufficient seriousness to begin any sentence with the words ‘Thou shalt not.’ But who cannot summon the confidence to say: Do not condemn people on the basis of their ethnicity or color. Do not ever use people as private property. Despise those who use violence or the threat of it in sexual relations. Hide your face and weep if you dare to harm a child. Do not condemn people for their inborn nature — why would God create so many homosexuals only in order to torture and destroy them? Be aware that you too are an animal and dependent on the web of nature, and think and act accordingly. Do not imagine that you can escape judgement if you rob people with a false prospectus rather than with a knife. Turn off that fucking cell phone — you have no idea how un important your call is to us. Denounce all jihad -ists and crusaders for what they are: psychopathic criminals with ugly delusions. Be willing to renounce any god or any religion if any holy commandments should contradict any of the above. In short: Do not swallow your moral code in tablet form.”

“Against Joie de Vivre,” Philip Lopate

This essay will, among other things, forever release you from the yoke of FOMO.

“The Fourth State of Matter,” Jo Ann Beard

(Recommended by Sari Botton, editor of the anthology Goodbye to All That: Writers on Loving and Leaving New York )

“There’s an aspect of Jo Ann Beard’s ‘The Fourth State of Matter’ — published originally in the June 24th, 1996 issue of The New Yorker and later in her essay collection, The Boys of My Youth — whose relevance is too often reestablished, each time news emerges of another school shooting. But even apart from that, this devastating essay remains perpetually relevant as a reminder of the fragility of life, and how tragedy can upend our lives drastically in an instant, taking with it nearly everything and everyone we hold dear. Beard illustrates this, ingeniously and poignantly, against the backdrop of a life that by contrast is shifting — unraveling, really — at a tortuously glacial pace. She’s barely living while her marriage and her dog are dying slow, undignified deaths. She holds onto shreds of hope that her husband might be coming back, despite all evidence to the contrary, including an unfortunately (deliberately?) placed pack of condoms (guys, don’t do that ). And then a disgruntled graduate student chooses an afternoon Beard has taken off from work to gun down all her colleagues in the astrophysics office at the University of Iowa. Each time I revisit this stunning piece, my heart pounds, and I find myself praying, ‘Please let it end differently this time.'”

“Mississippi Drift,” Matthew Power

If you’ve ever dreamed of Huck-Finning it down the Mississippi river on a raft of your own invention — or just living outside of society — read this essay first. In it, Power investigates the life of a “anarcho-buccaneer” and the overwhelming, or underwhelming, power of drift.

“The Death of the Moth,” Virginia Woolf

Such a tiny essay, such a tiny moth, such big things afoot: life, death, and what else is there? Woolf is a master, and this strange collection of images has lasted for many years, batting at our collective brain lamps.

“How to Tame a Wild Tongue,” Gloria E. Anzaldúa

A beautifully written and also very funny essay about the importance of language to self and the frustrations of being caught between cultures — things you probably don’t think about if you don’t experience them, but should.

“Advice to Graduates,” George Saunders

(Recommended by Megan Shull, author of The Swap )

“I love, love, love, George Saunders’s ‘Advice to Graduates’ — it’s a stunner. It’s one of those pieces I remember reading with bed-head hair, coffee in hand and blurry sleepy eyes on a Sunday morning and immediately, it just: woke me up. To have your heart awakened by words is a gift, and in this short beautiful graduation speech/essay is a treasure.”

From the essay: “That luminous part of you that exists beyond personality — your soul, if you will — is as bright and shining as any that has ever been. Bright as Shakespeare’s, bright as Gandhi’s, bright as Mother Teresa’s. Clear away everything that keeps you separate from this secret luminous place. Believe it exists, come to know it better, nurture it, share its fruits tirelessly.”

“The Braindead Megaphone,” George Saunders

Speaking of George Saunders — this essay on the ludicrousness of the news media and the Megaphone Guy phenomenon is a few years old now, but since things have (arguably) gotten even worse, it is still worth a read, if only so you can start working, belatedly, on your own personal antidote. That is, as explained by Saunders “every well-thought-out rebuttal to dogma, every scrap of intelligent logic, every absurdist reduction of some bullying stance.” Well, get on it, people.

“This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life,” David Foster Wallace

Here’s the thing: pretty much all of David Foster Wallace’s essays are brilliant. I’m half inclined to pull the SNOOT card and declare that “Authority and American Usage” would make anyone a better person, and it might. “Consider the Lobster,” “Big Red Son” (that’s the porn industry one), many others. But for this list, I’m just going to be a sensitive sucker and suggest “This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life,” which originated as a 2005 graduation speech at Kenyon College. This one, really and truly, might make you a better person, if only by reminding you that you are not actually the center of the universe.

Read it here , or listen to Wallace’s original talk.

“On Fear,” Mary Ruefle

In this essay, just one of the many incredible essays in her recent collection, Ruefle investigates the phenomenon of fear via poetry (plus a doctor and a pilot, among others). Besides being intellectually stimulating, it will remind you that you are not alone, it will remind you not to be (quite so) afraid.

“The Year in Dog Shit,” Jordan Ginsberg

(Recommended by Benjamin Samuel, Editor-at-Large at Electric Literature and Program Manager at the National Book Foundation)

“First I wanted to recommend an essay for writers , then something for everyone (because George Saunders is a genius ). But I decided on an essay that was close to my heart, and closer still to my dog’s bowels. Dogs are perpetual delight, sure, but they’re also a lot of maintenance. I’ve never learned how to delicately explain that I’ll be late for work, dinner, drinks, etc. because I’m waiting for my dog to… evacuate? But in this essay, Jordan Ginsberg is unashamed, reminding us that with dogs, just as with people, love means dealing with a whole lot of shit.”

“Shooting an Elephant,” George Orwell

A classic on empathy, conscience, and imperialism from a hallowed master of the form. Will make you think twice before doing whatever it is you’re told to do.

“Advice to Youth,” Mark Twain

Just because this is a satire, doesn’t mean it isn’t helpful. After all, some of it, while tongue-in-cheek, is pretty damn accurate. Case in point: “Always obey your parents, when they are present. This is the best policy in the long run, because if you don’t, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.”

“Go Gentle Into That Good Night,” Roger Ebert

Ebert’s meditation on mortality contains some of the best, most succinct information on how to live that I’ve ever read: “‘Kindness’ covers all of my political beliefs. No need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.”

“Thoughts for the Times on War and Death,” Sigmund Freud

(Recommended by Lynne Tillman, author of What Would Lynne Tillman Do? )

“Freud’s essay is revelatory. He first supported Austria in the Great War, but changed his mind quickly. The essay begins, ‘In the confusion of war-time in which we are caught up…’ Here, Freud analyzes, and rejects, patriotism, and discusses the social and psychological meanings of war, and the neuroses that underlie going to war. For those of us living in the US, caught up in so many wars, this essay is extremely relevant and helpful.”

“Infinite Ache: My First Mother’s Day Without Her,” Saeed Jones

A beautiful and encouraging short essay about grief that might mend a tiny corner of a broken heart. Poets write the best essays.

“Attitude,” Margaret Atwood

Another essay-slash-commencement speech from the always excellent Atwood, carrying at least one piece of wisdom that will surely improve the life of just about everyone: “You may not be able to alter reality, but you can alter your attitude towards it, and this, paradoxically, alters reality. Try it and see.”

“Laugh, Kookaburra,” David Sedaris

That stovetop analogy will haunt you every time you have to make a decision. Depressing, but true.

“When I Was a Child,” Marilynne Robinson

(Recommended by Thessaly La Force, writer and editor of My Ideal Bookshelf )

“I won’t repeat who has already been named, so I’ll nominate the essays of Marilynne Robinson. She’s more known for her novels — Housekeeping , Gilead , Home , and now, Lila , which will come out this fall. Everyone should read those books, but her essays are worth picking up, too. ‘When I Was a Child,’ for example, is so fascinating and lifts the curtain to her great, wise mind. It’s also a mind that is fiercely individual, one that looks to the past for guidance, and is unapologetic about her own peculiar upbringing. There are gems to be found everywhere. Here, as she is explaining the intellectual drive behind Housekeeping and the prejudice she encounters from easterners who find it unbelievable that she managed to write such a good book:

Idaho society at that time at least seemed to lack the sense of social class which elsewhere makes culture a system of signs and passwords, more or less entirely without meaning except as it identifies groups and subgroups. I think it is indifference to these codes among Westerners that makes Easterners think they are without culture.

Or here, when she explains the West’s concept of ‘lonesomeness’:

I remember when I was a child at Coolin or Sagle or Talache, walking into the woods by myself and feeling the solitude around me build like electricity and pass through my body with a jolt that made my hair prickle. I remember kneeling by a creek that spilled and pooled among rocks and fallen trees with the unspeakably tender growth of small trees already sprouting from their backs, and thinking, there is only one thing wrong here, which is my own presence, and that is the slightest imaginable intrusion–feeling that my solitude, my loneliness, made me almost acceptable in so sacred a place.

​Her essays aren’t narratively driven like Janet Malcolm and they won’t have that understated cool like Joan Didion or even that eerie voice like Jo Ann Beard. But Robinson’s essays provoke my mind, and when they work, they remind me to go searching through the texts of the ancients — or anything before the 20th Century, really. And when I do, sometimes the best thing I’ve read all day can’t be found in some glossy magazine or a novel by a 20-under-40-er, but is, instead, a modest poem by Emily Dickinson. It’s not an easy space to find, especially in the midst of Instagram, Twitter, and trendy novels. But it’s worth trying to get there.”

“The Wound in the Face,” Angela Carter

Angela Carter on cosmetics and the evolution of what women’s faces are supposed to look like — always coming back to that big red mouth-wound, sex and blood together. Whether this will make you a better person, I’m not sure, but it will make you look at the faces of half the world just a little bit differently — and possibly with more understanding. Which really can’t hurt.

“The Bitch is Back,” Sandra Tsing Loh

A hilarious dissection of menopause in contemporary culture-slash-essential guide for “women of transitional age” and those that know them.

“On Keeping a Notebook,” Joan Didion

(Recommended by Taylor Sperry, Assistant Editor at FSG)

“’On Keeping a Notebook’ is not the most obvious Didion essay to read for the purpose of self-improvement (maybe that’s ‘On Morality,’ itself complicated in the context of such an exercise), but it contains phrases that found their way into my own notebooks and are now important not necessarily because of what they say, but because of who it was copying them down six, seven, eight years ago. And this, I take it, is the point: that ‘we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not.’ ‘On Keeping a Notebook’ is useful, bettering, because it may remind you of the thing that asks of you what ‘On Keeping a Notebook’ asks of me.”

“Long Distance,” Victor LaValle

In this essay, LaValle tells of “the most moving relationship” of his early twenties (a 50-year-old woman he’d never met, but called regularly through a dating line) and, later, the experience of sex after losing some 155 pounds. Lovely and funny and a reminder that we are something other than just our bodies — and a little bit our bodies, past and present, too.

“Travels With My Mom,” Terry Castle

(Recommended by Gideon Lewis-Kraus, author of A Sense of Direction )

“Though she tends to be better known for ‘The Professor’ or her hilarious essay on Sontag, my preferred piece of Terry Castle’s, and one of the essays I find myself thinking about most often, is ‘Travels with My Mom,’ originally published in a 2007 issue of the LRB . It’s simultaneously unforgettable as an essay about taste — her attempt to hold up a strand of raw garlic to the sentimentality of Georgia O’Keefe — and as a beautiful and surprising tribute to a difficult mother. A magnificent and powerful performance all around.”

“Devil’s Bait,” Leslie Jamison

Jamison’s essay about the mysterious and bizarre Morgellons disease is a wonderful meditation on suffering and empathy and how we can or should respond to pain in others. Or as she writes herself: “This isn’t an essay about whether Morgellons disease is real. That’s probably obvious by now. It’s an essay about what kinds of reality are considered prerequisites for compassion. It’s about this strange sympathetic limbo: Is it wrong to speak of empathy when you trust the fact of suffering but not the source?”

”Mr. Lytle, an Essay,” John Jeremiah Sullivan

Every essay in Pulphead is great, but this one, about Sullivan’s more-than-apprenticeship to a dying Southern writer, is a gorgeous ode to art and life that will make you reach out, even clumsily, even pointlessly, to those around you.

“The Ugly Tourist,” Jamaica Kincaid

Is this essay ever ruthless — but sometimes ruthlessness is what it takes to wrench one’s eyes open. “An ugly thing, that is what you are when you become a tourist, an ugly, empty thing, a stupid thing, a piece of rubbish pausing here and there to gaze at this and taste that, and it will never occur to you that the people who inhabit the place in which you have just passed cannot stand you…” Controversial, to be sure, but likely to make you a better tourist — at least.

Read it here (paywalled).

“The Forgotten Parakeet” et al, Chris Cokinos

(Recommended by Earl Swift, author of Auto Biography )

“Many essays stay with me long after I’ve read them, but a couple have persisted longer than most: those on the tragic fates of the Carolina parakeet and the passenger pigeon included in Hope Is the Thing with Feathers (New York: J.P. Tarcher/Putnam, 2000), Chris Cokinos’s wonderful meditation on impermanence, extinction and the heavy hand of man.

I had spent a lot of time in the woods before reading them, and had come to see the wilds around me as sturdy and timeless. Cokinos convinced me that this wasn’t at all the case—and reminded me that beauty is fleeting, life is fragile, and that in carelessness lies the recipe for disaster.”

”My Misspent Youth,” Meghan Daum

Even though it was written back in 1999, this essay is still an essential read for anyone dreaming of life in the big city or anyone whose dreams have already been, if not shattered, dented up by reality.

How to Be a Good Person Essay

What does it mean to be a good person? The essay below aims to answer this question. It focuses on the qualities of a good person.

Introduction

What does it mean to be a good person, qualities of good person, works cited.

The term “good” has relative meanings depending on the person who is defining it. Several qualities can be used to define what constitutes a good person. However, there are certain basic qualities that are used to define a good person. They include honesty, trust, generosity, compassion, empathy, humility, and forgiveness (Gelven 24).

These qualities are important because they promote peaceful coexistence among people because they prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. A good person is fair and just to all and does not judge people. He or she is nice to everyone regardless of religion, race, social and economic class, health status, or physical state (Gelven 25).

A good person treats other people with respect, care, and compassion. Respect shows that an individual values and views the other person as a worthy human being who deserves respect. Compassion is a quality that enables people to identify with other people’s suffering (Gelven 27). It motivates people to offer help in order to alleviate the suffering of others. A good person has compassion for others and finds ways to help people who are suffering. Showing compassion for the suffering makes them happy.

It promotes empathy, understanding, and support. In addition, good people are forgiving. They do not hold grudges and let go of anger that might lead them to hurt others. They think positively and focus their thoughts on things that improve their relationships (Needleman 33). They avoid thinking about past mistakes or wrongs done by others. Instead, they think of how they can forgive and move on.

A good person is honest and trustworthy. This implies that they avoid all situations that might hurt the other person, such as telling lies, revealing secrets, and gossiping (Needleman 34). As such, their character or personality cannot be doubted because they do not harbor hidden intentions.

They act in open ways that reveal their true characters and personalities. On the other hand, good people are kind and respectful. They offer help voluntarily and work hard to improve the well-being of other people. In addition, they treat all people equally despite their social, physical, or sexual orientations. Good people do not discriminate, hate, deny people their rights, steal, lie, or engage in corrupt practices (Tuan 53).

Good people behave courageously and view the world as a fair and beautiful place to live in (Needleman 40). They view the world as a beautiful place that offers equal opportunities to everyone. Good people believe that humans have the freedom to either make the world a better or worse place to live in. They act and behave in ways that improve and make the world a better place.

For example, they conserve the environment by keeping it clean for future generations. A popular belief holds that people who conserve the environment are not good but just environmental enthusiasts. However, that notion is incorrect and untrue. People conserve the environment because of their goodness. They think not only about themselves but also about future generations (Tuan 53). They are not self-centered and mean but generous and caring.

Good people are characterized by certain qualities that include trust, honesty, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, respect, courage, and goodwill. They do not steal, lie, discriminate, or deny people their rights. They think about others’ welfare and advocate for actions that make the world a better place. They promote justice and fairness because they view everyone as a deserving and worthy human being.

Gelven, Michael. The Risk of Being: What it Means to be Good and Bad . New York: Penn State Press, 1997. Print.

Needleman, Jacob. Why Can’t We be good? New York: Penguin Group US, 2007. Print.

Tuan, Yi-Fu. Human Goodness . New York: University of Wisconsin Press, 2008. Print.

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Bibliography

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• 101 Ways To Be a Better Person
• by Celes     |    
• Filed in Self-Improvement

This article is available for download as an ebook. Click on the button below to download.

“We cannot become what we need to be, remaining what we are.” — Max Depree

How does one become a better person?

Back when I was studying at university, I didn’t like myself very much. I was rude, selfish, emotionally stingy, self-centered, judgmental, highly critical, obnoxious, and arrogant.

When I think back about it, a lot of that came from insecurity. I didn’t like myself and this projected outward in my behavior toward others. I was dissatisfied with myself, and hence I was dissatisfied with things about other people.

Subsequently, I decided to work on becoming a better person. I started by listing the traits that I didn’t like about myself, and tackled them one at a time.

It took a lot of inner work, but today I’m a lot happier with who I am. I can’t say that I’m perfect or that I’ve achieved my ideal self because there’s still so much to work on. I also think that becoming a better person is an ongoing goal, and there’s never a real end point to reach.

In this massive post, I share 101 ways to be a better person. If you just follow a tip a day, you’ll go a long way toward becoming a better, more likable person. Remember this isn’t about making yourself liked by others — it’s about becoming someone you truly love and adore, the highest person you can be.

• Work on your negative traits. Are there any traits you dislike about yourself? Some traits that I didn’t like about myself in the past include being self-centered, arrogant, selfish, critical, harsh, and hard. Identify them, and then work on them one by one. It can be challenging to overhaul your character at once. On the other hand, if you work on addressing one negative trait at a time, it’s a lot more manageable and achievable.
• Identify your ideal self . What’s your ideal self like? Picture them in your mind, and then write down all your ideal traits. Then, start living true to your ideal self.
• Find a role model . Having a role model inspires us and gives us an image of who we can be. People I’m inspired by include Oprah Winfrey, who has done so much in the area of self-help; Chadwick Boseman, who tirelessly spoke up for the black community even leading up to his death; and John Christopher, a master herbalist who healed people using natural remedies and inspired and educated a new generation of herbalists. Who is/are your role model(s), and what do you like about them?
• Be a role model . When we are role models to others, it pushes us to think carefully about our actions and sets us up to a higher standard. In being a role model, it’s not about making yourself into someone you’re not (see #57: Be Individualistic). It’s about living true to your ideal self (see #3). How can you be an inspirational guide to others? Live by example.

• Be a better friend to your friends . I used to be disappointed at how some of my friends weren’t always there for me when I needed them. Then I realized that I should think about how I can be a better friend to my friends first before having such expectations of others. Likewise, for you, think: How can you be a better friend to your friends? Read: How to Have More Best Friends in Life
• Be a better sibling, if you have siblings . I have several friends who are the only child and they frequently talk about how they wish they had a brother or sister. If you’re lucky enough to have a brother or sister, treasure them. Spend more time with them; show them care and concern. Look out for them if you need to.

• Be a better parent, if you have children . Many parents have told me that having a child is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to them. If you have a child or children, think about how you can be a better parent to them. Raising a child is challenging at every stage of the child’s life, with new things to learn and new problems to conquer, but that’s also part of the joy of being a parent.
• Be a better employee, if you work for someone . Often I hear people complaining about how their companies aren’t giving them enough benefits/wages/support/etc. While this may be true, think about how you can be a better employee. Check if there’s anything more you can do for your manager. See if there are any new projects you can take on. See how you can improve your current performance.
• Be a better manager/leader, if you’re managing others . Many people leave their jobs because they’re unhappy with their managers. How well you manage your employees can dramatically affect their motivation level and performance. Put their needs before yours and bring the best out of them.
• Be a better member of your community . What communities are you a part of? Say, interest groups? Recreational clubs? How can you be a more active member of these communities?
• Be a better human to others . How can you treat the fellow humans around you better? Start treating them this way.
• Be a better being in this world . How can you make the world a better place? Start doing that today.
• Learn something new . No matter how much you know, there are always new things to learn. The more you learn, the better you become. Read: Skills Development
• Hone your current skills . Strengthen your current skills. You can never be too good at something — there’s always room to improve. Even the best people in their fields, such as Tiger Woods (Golf), Michael Jordan (Basketball), and Beethoven (Pianist) never stopped honing their craft. Read: Level Up

• Be Accepting of differences — be it of people, mindsets, lifestyles, or cultures. For they add variety and color to our lives. If everyone is the same, life will be bland — monotonous, even.
• Be Flexible . Have expectations and ideals, but be flexible about them when needed. Not everyone can perform to high expectations and not every situation can happen perfectly. Learn when to be rigid on your ideals and when to be flexible.
• Step out of your comfort zone . Are you sticking to the same routines and hiding behind a safety net? Step out and do something you’ve never done before. It’ll broaden your mind and make you a better person. Read:  How To Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
• Travel . Traveling broadens perspectives and enriches our minds. Between 2011 and 2017, I spent almost 50% of my time traveling and exploring different continents and countries. This helped me gain many insights into different cultures and enriched my perspective of the world.
• Always have the best intentions for others . Go for the highest good in everything you do, every decision you make, and every thought you have.
• Volunteer (for a cause you believe in) . Not everything has to be measured in money. At PE, I spend hours every day writing the best content and giving it away for free, without asking anything back in return from the readers. With volunteer work, you may be giving your labor for free, but this is time spent that is filled with meaning. Don’t underestimate the difference you can make in others’ lives with just a few hours of work.
• Save the environment . Our world is being wasted away, day after day, and modern society is inflicting huge amounts of damage on it with pollution, plastic waste, and more. What can you do to protect our home?
• Be Assertive . Stand up for your rights and the things you believe in.
• Be Attentive . When someone is talking, give them your full attention. Don’t busy yourself with something else; that’s just rude.
• Be Bold . Life is an adventure. Don’t live it in fear . Pursue your dreams. Act on your instincts. Create the life you’ve always wanted. Read: How To Overcome Fear and Pursue Your Dreams
• Be Candid . Be frank, outspoken, and earnest. Say what’s on your mind. Don’t feel the need to censor your words because you’re afraid of what others think. Be true to yourself. (But not at the expense of others’ feelings, of course. See #39: Be Empathetic.)
• Show concern . There’s no need to wait for a cry for help before showing care and concern. You can do it right away, right now, to those around you. Even if there’s nothing wrong, it’ll warm the hearts of others to know that you care.
• Call your friends . Are there any friends you’ve not contacted for a while? Call them today and check how they’re doing. They may not show it, but they’ll be happy that you called — because it shows that you care.
• Find a mentor . A mentor guides you to become greater than you can be by yourself. Get a mentor if (a) the person has something to teach you and (b) your personalities gel with each other. Back when I was working at P&G, I had informal mentors who often stepped in to make sure I was doing well. At the same time, they had mentors who guided them. No matter how senior or experienced you may be, there is always someone with something to teach you.

• Be Committed … to your goals and dreams. If you’ve set a goal, go all out and achieve it. If you’ve laid down a plan, stick to it all the way. Don’t waver, for that’s not in you to do so.
• Be Compassionate / Kind . Always look out for opportunities where you can help others. Don’t get wrapped up in your stuff — instead, look outward and see if there’s anything you can do for others. Even the simplest things, like helping someone carry their belongings, are very much appreciated by others.
• Be Confident … in who you are and what you do. There’s no reason not to be. Read: How To Be The Most Confident Person in the World
• Be Conscientious / Meticulous . Are you attentive to everything you do? Such a quality is rare but so precious. Conscientious people put their heart and soul into what they do; consequently, they do a complete job in whatever they do. You’ll naturally be a valuable asset to whichever organization or team you’re a part of.
• Practice the Golden Rule . It’s the ethic of reciprocity which states “One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.” How do you want others to treat you? Shower others with this behavior and you’ll attract more of the same.
• Practice the Silver Rule . Related to the Golden Rule, it states “Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you.” It’s to make up for the shortcomings of the Golden Rule. How do you not want others to treat you? Make sure you don’t do this to others.
• Be Cooperative . Don’t be insular and seclusive. Be willing to work with others if they need your help. We don’t exist in this world alone; life is possible because we have each other.
• Be Courteous . Practice good etiquette. Always remember your hi’s, bye’s, thank-you’s, and welcome’s.

• Have an insatiable thirst for knowledge . So you’ll always be learning new things.
• Ask questions — often . The more questions you ask, the more information you can uncover.
• Get feedback from others . Feedback is one of the fastest ways to identify our areas of improvement since others can see our blind spots . Day 17 of Be a Better Me in 30 Days  is about asking for feedback from others around us so we can improve.
• Be Dependable . Be there for others when they need you. Always check if there’s anything you can do for your friends. If they call you, make time out for them. If they email you, take the time to respond. You never know when it’s someone in pain and reaching out for help. Read:  How to Have More Best Friends in Life
• Be Discerning . Don’t blindly accept everything you hear or read; always evaluate what you’re given with a discerning mind. This doesn’t mean that you become skeptical, but that you exercise your judgment appropriately.

• Compliment others (with genuine intent) . Part of emotional generosity is to be generous with compliments (that are genuine and not fake). Get into the habit of giving compliments. When you meet someone and if you recognize something nice about them, let them know. You’ll make their day.
• Be Empathetic . Empathy is the key to successful relationships. Learn to see things from others’ perspectives. It’ll let you understand people better, resolve conflicts, and develop meaningful connections.
• Be Encouraging . No one likes a wet blanket. Be encouraging when your friends share their problems with you. Be supportive when they tell you about their goals.
• Be Enthusiastic . Life is too beautiful to live with dread and boredom. Embrace every day with joy and love. Start every day on a fresh new start! Approach every situation with excitement! And bring this energy to everything you do and everyone you meet. :)
• Take on more than you can handle . If you’re managing your responsibilities fine at the moment, challenge yourself by taking on more. It’s when you push your limits that you grow the most. Push your boundaries. Stretch yourself. This will increase your capacity as a person.
• Expect nothing less than the best . Hold yourself to the highest standard in whatever you do. Always aim for the highest goals, the best results, and the grandest vision.
• Live your life to the fullest . Because why should you settle for a life that’s anything less? Read: 101 Ways To Live Your Life To The Fullest

• Don’t bad mouth other people . Don’t speak ill of people behind their backs, because it’s unfair to them and doesn’t give them a chance to defend themselves. Let the person know if you don’t like something he/she did, otherwise let it go.
• Don’t discriminate . Give equal treatment to everyone, regardless of race, language, religion, nationality, gender, age, social status, and financial status.
• Don’t judge . Don’t make conclusions about others’ character or their life based on 1-2 things you see about them. Always give others the benefit of the doubt.
• Uphold justice . If you see unfairness being exacted, right the wrong. This includes intervening when someone is being bullied and standing up for someone when he/she is being unfairly judged.
• Have Faith . Don’t put too much pressure on an event or a person to give you the results you seek. Do your best within your capacity and have faith that everything will fall into place.
• Be Filial . Our parents dedicated half of their lives to having us and raising us. Now that we’re grown up, it’s our turn to repay them for the life they have given us. If your relationship with your parents is not the ideal state you envision, be sure to read How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents (series)
• Be a Follower . Aristotle said it best with this quote: “He who cannot be a good follower cannot be a good leader.” Are you a good follower? Are you able to take directions from others? Are you willing to take directions from others? Before you think about becoming a leader (see #60), you’ve to learn to be a good follower first.
• Let go of your anger . Is there anything or anyone you’re angry with? Perhaps it’s time to forgive and let things go. Read: How To Overcome Anger (series)
• Bury the hatchet with someone . Beyond embracing forgiveness within you, reach out to the person you had grievances with in the past.  This is not going to be easy, but it’ll bring you a huge step forward in your growth. When I was younger, I had some conflicts with schoolmates due to misunderstandings. After I started PE, I decided I had to live by example if I was to pursue my purpose to help others how to achieve their highest potential. So I reconnected with old schoolmates whom I had conflicts with. It was much easier than I thought — most of them reciprocated in kind, and after that we stayed connected as friends. Read: Be a Better Me in 30 Days , Day 24: Right a Past Wrong

• Share the good things in your life . What are you happy about? What do you have that others don’t have? What are you proud of? Don’t keep them to yourself — Share them with others. Happiness isn’t a zero-sum equation.
• Donate . Get in the habit of donating things you don’t need anymore. For example, old clothes, textbooks, books, toys, and the like. All my unwanted clothes are always donated to others. Sometimes I take the nice, unworn pieces and give them to my friends who can better appreciate them.

• Write a thank you note to a friend . I think a lot of times, we take our friends for granted. We forget about what they’ve done for us and are doing for us, as well as the value of our connection. Write a thank you letter/note/email to a friend and let them know how much you appreciate them. They will be very happy to receive your letter.
• Be Hardworking / Diligent . Without hard work, we can’t get far in life. I’ve seen people who like to take the easy way out and this is not what I promote at PE. There are no “quick tips” or “hacks” that will give you instantaneous results — in the end, it’s about showing up and doing the work.
• Be Helpful . Offer your help even if people don’t ask for it. There’s always something you can do for others.
• Be Honest . To lie is to shrink into a lesser self; To tell the truth means to take a step up in your growth. (Unless there’s a higher value at stake, such as protecting someone’s well-being.) One of my values is truth: to discover the truth through personal experience and by constantly challenging what’s around me, and to be truthful in everything I do and say. I don’t achieve this 100% of the time, but I do my best to uphold it every moment of the day. Read: How To Deal With Dishonest People
• Be Humble . Arrogant people suffer from an inferiority complex, which is why they feel the need to parade their accomplishments. Learn to be humble. There’s no need to repeatedly talk about what you’ve achieved just to assert your ability — when your work is good, the results will speak for themselves. (The exception is in professional contexts like on your resume or in interviews, where you are supposed to showcase your accomplishments.) Read: How To Keep Yourself Humble While Recognizing Your Worth
• Be Independent . Learn to manage your life. Learn to tackle your problems by yourself, without imposing on others. Feel free to approach others if you need help, but you should never expect them to solve your problems for you.
• Be Individualistic . Always be you. Don’t try to be anyone else. Read: Finding Your Inner Self
• Have Integrity . Set your moral and ethical principles and stick to them. Never compromise on them no matter what.
• Be Intuitive . Follow your gut instinct. Let your intuition guide you. You’ll never go wrong with it. The more you follow your gut, the stronger your connection with your intuition will be.
• Be a Leader . A leader is someone who brings the best out of others, who inspires others to be bigger than who they are, who energizes people into action, and who leads the way with a common vision. Contrary to what many think, leadership doesn’t begin when you lead a group of people. It begins in our everyday life, from how we conduct ourselves and live our lives. Are you a leader of your life? Read: You Are The CEO of Your Life

• Love unconditionally . The highest form of love is unconditional love, where you love others without expecting anything in return.
• Be Loyal / Faithful . To the people you care for, to the values you stand for, and to the things you believe in.
• Be Kind . Don’t criticize. It’s easy to pinpoint faults in others, but really, it’s not in our place to do so. Not only that, it doesn’t make others feel good about themselves.
• Accept criticism. If someone offers criticism, be ready to consider it. Considering it isn’t the same as agreeing. You don’t have to agree with the criticism, but at least consider it. Every criticism is an opportunity to improve, to become better. Read: 9 Reasons Why Criticism Is Good
• Ignore malicious attacks . If someone flames you, take the higher route — ignore the person. You can defend yourself in areas where your values are infringed, but overall, keep a hands-off approach. It’s not worth it to engage in such discussions, because the flamer will only keep attacking with no desire to reach a resolution. Read: Empty Vessels Make the Most Noise

• Be Merciful . Instead of punishment, think forgiveness. Forceful actions like pain, suffering, and death don’t bring closure to issues.
• Be Moral . Do what’s right over what’s wrong. The question of “what’s right” can be subjective depending on your upbringing, but universal values include equality of humans, gender equality, freedom of speech, and freedom of choice. Think about how you can follow a lifestyle that inflicts less pain on other living beings.
• Be Mindful / Present . Don’t live in the past or future, but focus on the present moment. For this is where you’re living now. Meditating helps you to be present (see #66).

• Recognize the strengths in others . Our society today has eased into a state where we keep looking at what we lack or don’t have, as opposed to what we already have . The former is a scarcity mindset, while the latter is one of abundance. Rather than think about what’s missing in someone (be it a character trait, knowledge, ability, or something else), focus on their strengths . What do they have? What are they good at? What do you like about them? Focus on these vs. what you don’t like.
• Be Open-Minded . Be ready to accept different beliefs, attitudes, personalities, cultures, practices, rituals, lifestyles, habits, races, nationalities, diets, etc, for everyone is different. No one thing is right; it’s just a matter of what works best for the individual.
• Don’t complain . Complaining generates all this negative energy that makes you no different than an  energy vampire . While it’s okay to vent occasionally, be conscious of the times when you do that. Cut down on the time you spend complaining and think about what you can do about the situation instead.
• Smile . How often do you smile a day? Smiling is something we don’t do enough. Whether you’re out on the streets or at work, it’s more common to see people with stoic expressions and hard frowns than smiles. The next time you see someone, even a stranger, smile at them. You’ll be surprised how many people will return the smile. Even if they don’t, trust that they have been warmed by your smile.
• Laugh . As they say, laughter is the best medicine. Learn to laugh at the jokes people make, at the obstacles you’re facing, at the mistakes you’re making, and at the mystery that is life.

• Be Patient . Do you get irritated when something/someone is late ? Time is fluid; it’s a construct created to help us organize our schedules. Learn to be present and live in the moment instead. Impatience breeds anxiety; Patience brings calmness. Read: How To Be Patient: The Only Guide I’ll Ever Write on Becoming Patient
• Be Peaceful . Where you have a choice, go for peace over violence. The latter solves nothing but creates more pain. The former is the start of a healing journey.
• Be Persistent . No matter what you do, never give up. You will achieve whatever you set out to do, as long as you have the will to do it. My story of how I pursued my passion and turned it into a successful business is an example of that. The only time when giving up is the way to go is when your priorities change and you realize the goal you were pursuing isn’t what you want anymore. Read: Quitting to Win
• Be Prudent . Be bold and daring, but at the same time exercise caution. A touch of practicality never hurt anyone; it helps you to be more ready for what’s ahead.
• Be Purposeful . Pursue a cause that’s higher and larger than you. When you do that, you’ll naturally grow into someone bigger than who you are today. Pursuing my purpose to help others grow has made me embark on journeys and make decisions that I wouldn’t have pursued if I was just living my life for myself. Read: Discover Your Life Purpose in 30 Minutes
• Be Reasonable . Know your rights, but don’t overstep your boundaries. Act within good reason — You’ll be the best judge of that.
• Be Repentant . Has there been anything you did that you’re not too proud of? Repent and process it; don’t leave it inside your system, because it’s like rotting flesh — it’ll create an invisible stench and affect you subconsciously in your daily actions. Read: Be a Better Me in 30 Days , Day 24: Right a Past Wrong

• Be Respectful . Treat everyone with the utmost respect, because every living being deserves that.
• Live up to your responsibilities. What responsibilities do you have? Are you living up to all your responsibilities? Shrinking away from your tasks is an act of avoidance. Stepping up to them makes you a better person.
• Don’t self-victimize . It’s easy to say, “Why me?” when bad things happen. But it does nothing to build your character — in fact, it makes you weaker over time because you’re not taking ownership of your problems. Believe it or not, everyone faces these problems too — it’s not exclusive to you. Rather than wallow in self-pity, accept your problems as part and parcel of life and address them. The more responsible you are, the more control you have over your life. Read: You Always Have A Choice
• Be kind to yourself . Do you often beat yourself up? Stop doing that. You, above all else, deserve kindness and respect from yourself.
• Love yourself . On a scale of 1-10, how much do you love yourself? The longest relationship you’ll ever be in is the one with yourself. When you improve your relationship with yourself, you’ll learn to be a better friend, partner, parent, and person. Read: What Can I Do If I Want To Change Someone?

• Don’t Impose . Imposing means forcing your opinion on others. It’s okay to offer your opinion, but if others are not taking it, then there’s no need to repeat it. Keep it to yourself.
• Don’t give unwanted advice . One of the biggest problems people face in relationships is when the other party tries to dispense advice that’s not needed. Many times, people converse as a way of sharing. Check if the other party is looking for advice first before you try to offer your 2 cents. It may help prevent unnecessary conflicts.
• Dedicate yourself to Service. It’s said that service to others is the highest thing one can ever do in life. Think about how you can contribute to others and this world. And dedicate yourself to it.
• Be Sharp . Develop your observation skills. Sharp people are always the first to catch on to something, and because of that they’re ahead of everyone else.
• Be Sincere / Genuine . Speak from the heart, always. Don’t say something unless you mean it. One of my core values is authenticity — I only say things that I mean, and never say things if I don’t believe in them.

• Be Sympathetic . If others are sharing their problems with you, be sympathetic. Don’t jab in with insensitive remarks. Don’t dismiss their feelings and thoughts. Get yourself into the same state as them and express your sympathy, so they know they’re not alone in the situation.
• Be Tactful . There’s no need to be rude or abrasive. Be polite to your fellow humans — everyone has feelings, even if sometimes it may not seem that way.

• Be Trusting . Always give others the benefit of the doubt. No matter what you think, the baseline intention of people is usually good. No one deliberately does something to harm others. When they do, it usually comes from a place of lack, not out of sheer malicious intent. At the same time, don’t let others take advantage of you. Read: How To Be a Good Friend Without Others Taking Advantage of You
• Be Trustworthy . Always honor your commitments and uphold your promises. If you make an agreement with someone, be sure to stick to it.
• Be Unattached . For all things are transient in life. This doesn’t mean you become jaded and an emotionless being. What this means is you relish in every moment of your life, every situation you’re in, every person you’re with, as it is, without clinging on to it when it has passed. For we live in the present, not the past or future.
• Be Understanding . Learn to comprehend things from others’ perspectives. You need a common understanding to build relationships.
• Be Vigilant . While the world is a safe place by and large, keep a watch out for possible dangers, especially when you’re in a foreign place. Keep a look out for suspicious people. Stay clear of potentially dangerous spots. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

The vision board of one of our past  30DLBL participants, Theresa

• Be Vulnerable . Through PE, I’ve learned that sharing our vulnerabilities is what gives us the greatest strength as humans. In the past few years, I’ve opened up about some of my deepest vulnerabilities, including my relationship with my parents , my past heartbreak , my disappointments , and my emotional eating issues .
• Be Wise . Being wise means “having the power of discerning and judging properly as to what is true or right; possessing discernment, judgment, or discretion.” Practice good judgment by exposing yourself to different contexts; considering different perspectives; gathering as much information as you can; weighing out different possibilities. The more experience you gain, the more you learn, and the wiser you’ll become.

Be a Better Me in 30 Days

If you are into character development, then you can’t miss the Be a Better Me in 30 Days.

Be a Better Me in 30 Days  (30BBM) is an intensive character transformation program to help you be a better you in just 30 days.

30BBM is packed with 30 high-impact tasks to be done one per day, from unrooting your undesired traits, embodying your ideal traits, upholding virtues, switching limiting thoughts, exploring your annoyances, working on forgiveness, and many more. You will be doing some deep inner work in the 30 days ahead — which will transform you into a better, more conscious, and more aligned person, both to yourself and others.

Read more: Be a Better Me in 30 Days

This is part of the Inspiration & Motivation series. Check out the other articles in the series:

• 10 Powerful Graduation Speeches You Don’t Want To Miss
• 13 Meaningful Movies With Life Lessons To Learn
• 20 Amazing Commercials To Inspire the Greatness in You
• 56 Most Inspirational Songs of All Time
• 15 Beautiful Inspirational Wallpapers For Your Desktop
• 15 More Beautiful Wallpapers With Positive Affirmations
• 101 Inspiring Quotes of All Time
• 101 Things To Do Before You Die
• 101 Ways To Live Your Life To The Fullest
• 101 Important Questions To Ask Yourself in Life
• 101 Life Principles to Live By Daily

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Hi, I’m Celes. Thanks for reading. Personal Excellence is where I write about how to live our best life as we tackle life’s challenges.  About Me »

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Greater Good Science Center • Magazine • In Action • In Education

How Gratitude Motivates Us to Become Better People

Gratitude has become a hot topic in recent years. Celebrities from Oprah to James Taylor to Ariana Huffington have promoted an “attitude of gratitude,” and gratitude journals, hashtags, and challenges have become immensely popular. Much of this enthusiasm has been fueled by research linking gratitude to happiness , health , and stronger relationships .

Yet there has been a backlash. Some critics and skeptics have charged that gratitude breeds self-satisfaction and acceptance of the status quo. Several articles, including a New York Times essay by journalist Barbara Ehrenreich , have recently asserted that gratitude may be selfish and self-indulgent, prompting people to feel satisfied with where they are in life rather than pursuing bigger personal goals or working to help others. The author of a piece in the Harvard Crimson argued that gratitude can “act as a form of complacency” and that the indebtedness engendered by gratitude may “get in the way of progress.”

Does gratitude lead to complacency? Do all those benefits of gratitude come at a price—laziness, apathy, and the acceptance of inequities?

Based on research conducted over the past two decades, and recent findings from our lab at UC Riverside, we believe that the answer is no . In fact, we have found that gratitude is not just a pleasant, passive emotion but rather an activating, energizing force that may lead us to pursue our goals and become better, more socially engaged people.

Gratitude triggers self-improvement

For years, studies have been challenging the misconception that gratitude promotes self-satisfaction and acceptance of the status quo; these studies suggest that gratitude can motivate behaviors that ultimately lead to self-improvement and positive change.

For instance, a 2011 study by Robert Emmons and Anjali Mishra found that people feel motivated and energized when they experience gratitude, and that gratitude encourages them to make progress towards their goals. In this study, students were instructed to list the goals they wanted to accomplish within the next two months and were then randomly assigned either to count their blessings, to list their hassles, or to complete a neutral writing activity each week for 10 weeks. Those in the gratitude group reported making relatively more progress towards their goals. In addition, a 2009 study led by Nathaniel Lambert suggests that gratitude leads people to believe they deserve positive outcomes for themselves and are capable of achieving them.

Indeed, gratitude has been linked with success and achievement in multiple life domains, including health and academics. In a 2003 study by Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough , participants who counted their blessings reported fewer physical symptoms of illness and spent up to 1.5 more hours exercising each week. In addition, grateful students tend to have higher GPAs , participate in more extra-curricular activities , and have a stronger desire to contribute to society . Importantly, gratitude has also been linked with less risky behaviors in adolescents, including decreased substance use and less risky sexual behaviors. These findings suggest that gratitude may motivate people to engage in better, healthier activities that may contribute to their success. Gratitude also inspires us to perform kind acts for others. For example, in a 2006 study led by Monica Bartlett and David DeSteno , people induced to feel grateful—by receiving help from someone else—later exerted more effort to help their benefactors than did people either induced to feel amused or not induced to feel any emotion at all. Interestingly, people induced to feel grateful were also more likely to help complete strangers! These findings suggest that feeling grateful not only prompts people to want to pay their benefactor back directly but also to “ pay it forward ” by helping others. Gratitude, therefore, motivates us not only to improve our own lot in life but also the circumstances of the people around us. 

Together, these findings suggest that gratitude is a motivating emotion that spurs an individual to action. However, little research has directly explored precisely how gratitude might motivate us. Why does gratitude inspire positive action rather than breed complacency?

Recently we set out to answer that question. Building on prior work, we wanted more concrete evidence for how and why gratitude impels people to make positive changes in their lives and in the world around them.

We identified four distinct pathways through which expressing gratitude can motivate people to improve themselves and their communities.

1. Connectedness

We believe that feeling grateful compels us to reflect on our relationships and leads us to feel closer and more connected to others. Importantly, this increased closeness helps motivate and sustain our efforts at self-improvement.

Supporting these ideas, we found evidence that people experience greater feelings of closeness and connectedness to others when they perform one of two different gratitude activities (recalling a grateful experience or writing a letter of gratitude) than when they recall a time when they felt relief or list what they did the previous week.

In addition, we did a study with 9th and 10th grade students and found that students who expressed gratitude to parents, teachers, or coaches felt closer and more connected to them, which then increased their desire to improve themselves, as well as their confidence and competence in working toward this self-improvement.

Why might this be the case? Think about it this way: By strengthening our social bonds, gratitude rewards us with a strong network of support and encouragement, thus leading us to feel that we are capable of tackling big challenges. For example, a woman may feel grateful to a friend who helped her recover from an illness. This may make her feel closer and more connected to this person, as well as prompt her to want to eat healthier and exercise more to prove to her friend that the time she spent helping her get better was not wasted. This feeling of connectedness may also remind the woman that people care about her and want her to be healthy.

Feeling close and connected to others may motivate us to improve ourselves and become better people because we want to prove that we are worthy of our relationships and because we feel encouraged, supported, and inspired by the people in our lives.

2. Elevation

“Elevation” is scientists’ name for the uplifting feeling we get when we see people performing great acts of kindness; it is associated with a warmth in one’s chest and feeling moved to be a better person. Importantly, feeling elevated inspires people to be more generous , perhaps to emulate the moral acts of others.

We believe that gratitude makes people feel elevated—which then bolsters their motivation and effort towards self-improvement.

Notably, we have found evidence for this idea among both undergraduates and working adults. In one six-week study , we prompted undergraduates either to write a letter of gratitude each week to someone who did something kind for them or to list their daily activities. All of the students were then instructed to do acts of kindness for others as a self-improvement activity. Students who expressed gratitude reported feeling more elevated—and these feelings of elevation were linked with exerting more effort on their kind acts for others. Therefore, elevation may be one way that expressing gratitude can motivate students to try harder to be a better, kinder person.

In a similar four-week study, we prompted corporate employees to write weekly gratitude letters to someone who either helped them in general, helped them with their work, or helped them with their health. These employees were then encouraged to try to improve themselves by either becoming kinder, excelling at work, or improving their health. Employees in a fourth group were instructed only to list their daily activities each week and focus on general self-improvement. All employees had the freedom to choose which steps they took to improve themselves.

Notably, relative to employees who only listed their daily activities each week, employees who wrote any of the three types of gratitude letters felt moved, uplifted, and inspired to be better people—which then increased their productivity at work and boosted their sense of autonomy at the end of the study. These findings suggest that elevation—that is, feeling inspired and uplifted—may motivate us not only to become healthier, more generous people but also better, more productive workers.

3. Humility

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We believe that gratitude spurs us to become more humble because expressing gratitude takes the focus off of ourselves and forces us to recognize that our successes are due, at least in part, to the actions of other people.

Sure enough, our lab has found evidence that gratitude promotes more frequent humble feelings. For example, in a 2014 study led by our colleague Elliott Kruse , participants were randomly assigned either to write a letter of gratitude or to write about what they did during the previous two hours. All participants then had to imagine someone was angry with them and describe their reaction to that person. Those in the gratitude condition wrote more humble responses—for example, they were more inclined to consider the other person’s point of view and were more likely to accept blame.

Because humility enables us to see clearly how others have supported us, it may encourage us to engage in positive behaviors, such as helping others and bettering ourselves, to pay back the people who have helped us along the way. For example, a student may feel humbled by all the time his math teacher spent encouraging him and making sure he understood how to solve math problems. This feeling of humility may motivate him to want to do better in school—such as by taking advantage of tutoring services or extra-curricular activities—to (once again) prove to himself and to his teacher that the time and energy spent on him was not misplaced.

4. Indebtedness

Not all of the thoughts that accompany gratitude are pleasant; some may even be awkward and unsettling. Reflecting on how much people have helped us may lead us to feel obligated to repay them for their help, uncomfortable because we needed help in the first place, and guilty for not thanking them sooner. Research from our lab has found evidence that expressing gratitude leads to the simultaneous experience of both positive and negative emotions, including feeling both uplifted and indebted at the same time. But these mixed feelings may help lead us to positive action. Indeed, in one study , we found that expressing gratitude led high school students to feel more indebted to the people who helped them—which then increased their motivation, competence, and confidence towards self-improvement.

This finding suggests that although they don’t feel pleasant, some negative emotions—particularly indebtedness—may be especially motivating to us, lighting a fire in our bellies to reciprocate the good that others have given us—and thus rid ourselves of the psychological debts we carry.

Taken together, then, the evidence strongly suggests that rather than leading us to relax, stagnate, and become complacent, gratitude often motivates us to strive for our goals and become better people.

Of course, the research in this area is still emerging. But from our results so far, we believe that the feelings of connectedness, elevation, humility, and indebtedness resulting from gratitude may then motivate us to put forth more effort towards school, work, our communities, and our relationships, perhaps even prompting us to strive for goals we would otherwise not have thought possible.

Gratitude may, therefore, have the power to do more than make us happy and motivate us to improve our own lives. It can inspire us to become more productive members of society and better citizens of the world.

About the Authors

Christina N. Armenta

Christina N. Armenta, M.A. , is a doctoral candidate in the Positive Activities and Well-Being Lab at the University of California, Riverside. Her research focuses on whether positive activities, such as expressing gratitude, can motivate self-improvement efforts. Most of her work has explored this phenomenon in applied settings such as workplaces and high schools around the world.

Sonja Lyubomirsky

Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D. , is professor of psychology at UC Riverside and the author of the best-selling books The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness .

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How To Be A Good Person And Why It Matters

What makes a person a “good” person? Should we strive to be good—and if so, why? If you asked twenty people what it means to be a good person, chances are you would get twenty different answers. What individuals perceive to be good character traits can vary depending on several factors. Religion, culture, and family dynamics, for example, can all play a part in forming one's viewpoint on a topic like this.

Note that human beings are complex and that sorting all people into the strict binary of “good” or “bad” is generally not possible or particularly helpful. Attempting to do so can even result in distorted thinking, which can sometimes lead to mental health concerns like low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression. Here, we’ll use being a “good” person as a general term that refers to behaving in ways that are broadly considered to be considerate and kind, but it can be helpful to keep in mind the deep nuances of a topic like morality .

What is goodness?

The word "good" is  defined by Merriam-Webster  as "virtuous, right and commendable; kind and benevolent."  Henry David Thoreau  was quoted as saying, "Goodness is the only investment that never fails."

A “good” person often has certain habits or characteristics that reflect their efforts to be a considerate individual who avoids harming others. While, again, these can vary from person to person and culture to culture, a few general examples of these traits can include the following.

The empathy definition in psychology is the ability to emotionally understand another person's feelings by imagining yourself in their position. An empathetic person tends to be able to express an understanding of how others feel and treat them accordingly.

An individual who wants to be a good person might also strive to be honest with themselves and others. Dishonesty can damage trust between two people and potentially lead to distance or conflict within a relationship.

Someone who practices the principle of fairness might aim to be aware of their biases and avoid letting those negatively affect others. This could manifest as a belief in justice or equality, for example. 

Responsibility

Responsibility or accountability for one’s actions is also considered by many to be a sign of a good person. It usually involves an effort to make decisions that aren’t harmful to others and to take ownership of them if they are.

Why being a good person matters

One’s motivation for being “good” can vary widely. Research suggests that altruism—or the act of showing selfless concern for the well-being of others—is a uniquely human trait, of which there are many examples. Biologically, evolutionarily, or on some other level, many may feel generally driven to be kind and not harmful—a trait that many people equate with being a good person. 

However, there are many other complex factors that go into how humans decide to behave, and our actions can have effects on many areas of our lives. If you’re in the process of deciding what values you want to live by, you might consider some of these potential outcomes of who you may choose to be. 

Effects on your career and opportunities

Your actions and behaviors help build your reputation which, among many other factors, can help to create the opportunities you encounter in life. Behaving in ways that are generally respectful of others may help others develop a positive opinion of you. This could lead to benefits in your career and other opportunities that may help you achieve what you’re looking for in life.

Effects on relationships

The way we behave can also impact how others see us and relate to us, which can affect our relationships overall. For instance, many people are looking for friends and romantic partners who are “good” people in that they’re honest, caring, respectful, etc. People who are looking for healthy, supportive relationships often tend to seek out others who make them feel safe rather than uneasy or disrespected.

Feeling a sense of purpose

Deciding on a set of values that you want to live by and then sticking to them as best you can may help give you a direction and a purpose in life. This may even correlate with less loneliness and better overall health.

Seeking support related to being a good person

The idea of being a “good” person can affect a person’s mental health in a variety of ways. For instance, a person might have trouble coping with mistakes they’ve made in the past and how they may have affected those around them. Or, they could hold themselves to an impossible standard of perfection , which could lead to feelings of depression or anxiety. If you’re looking for support in discovering your values or changing the way you relate to morality , a therapist may be able to help.

If you’re interested in therapy but prefer to receive this type of care from the comfort of home, you might try online therapy. In one study published in World Psychiatry, researchers examined the effectiveness of online therapy in treating a wide range of mental health disorders. Their research indicates that online therapy can be as effective as face-to-face counseling in many cases, which reflects the similar findings of other studies as well. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging. See below for client reviews of BetterHelp counselors.

Counselor reviews

"Michal has been very supportive. Her techniques are very handy and have really helped me switch my negative thoughts to positive ones. Looking forward to learning more from her to become a better version of myself. Thank you Michal."

"Krysten has been an immense help in dealing with and confronting my anger and depression issues. I started to notice immediate changes in my general disposition within a week of working with her. My friends and family have even said I seem less bitter and jaded. And the fact that I can communicate with her frequently has done wonders in keeping me on track and progressing forward. My time working with Krysten and being on BetterHelp has been a positive experience and done much more for me than traditional in-office therapy ever did."

How can you become a good person?

There isn’t a consistent definition of what makes a good person. Even rules that seem constant and rigid, like “Good people don’t hurt others,” can become flexible under the right conditions. For instance, most humans condemn murder and believe it is morally wrong, yet there are often exceptions that allow for taking a life in the case of self-defense or during war. 

Deciding what makes you a good person requires understanding your moral identity . What do you believe to be morally right? When can the rules be bent or broken? Do small actions, like holding the door open for someone, make you a good person, or does it take a more substantial effort, like volunteering for charity work?

Becoming a good person means understanding your moral code and improving yourself until your actions consistently reflect your values. While that journey is different for everybody, there are some common tips that may help you: 

• Don’t make excuses. Becoming a good person is a personal responsibility, and no one can achieve your goal besides you. Be wary of pointing the finger at others; becoming a good person often means examining your mistakes and making peace with your shortcomings. 
• Use honest and direct communication. Lies and deception are rarely seen as traits kind people possess. Learn to articulate your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly. 
• Help others. Take time to assist others when you can; helping others through tough times will likely improve your reputation and self-perception. Good deeds and kindness are commonly considered a foundational part of being a good person. 
• Become a good listener. Knowing how to listen actively can make it easier for you to understand and empathize with others. Empathy is commonly associated with goodness, and demonstrating empathy is likely an important skill to have. 
• Always be respectful . Your words and actions should always demonstrate respect for the people around you and the environment that you’re in. Take time to learn how to control your negative emotions. You don’t have to agree with everything or appease everyone, but even when disagreeing, you should maintain a respectful tone and demeanor. 

What is the point of being a good person?

Philosophers have debated the reasons for being a good person for centuries. Today, there are several philosophical and sociological arguments that justify good behavior. One of the longest-running unsettled arguments is the egoism/altruism debate . The egoism/altruism debate examines what motivates humans to be good to each other.  

The altruism side of the argument asserts that humans have an intrinsic drive to help others. The existence of an empathetic connection between humans supports the altruism argument. For example, if a person comes across someone who is injured, they are likely to try to assist them, probably because they empathize with their position. In the altruism argument, empathy motivates good and helpful behavior, allowing for self-sacrifice with no prospect of receiving a reward . 

In contrast, the egoism argument suggests that people tend to be motivated to help others for self-serving reasons. It may elevate their status in society, make it more likely they can receive help from others, or put others in their debt. Furthermore, some proponents of the egoist perspective assert that even when someone helps another with no intention of a reward, the warm feeling of satisfaction that commonly comes after helping someone else may serve as its own reward. From an egoist perspective, helping behavior is inherently self-serving, no matter whether an external reward is expected. 

How do you feel like a good person?

Feeling like a good person is often related to self-improvement and self-acceptance. You will likely feel good when your behaviors align with your core values. No matter what your exact definition of a “good person” may be, if your actions match your beliefs, you will likely feel like a good person. 

You may want to consider building your self-esteem and recognizing your strengths. You likely have much to offer the world around you, and recognizing your inherent goodness can help you feel better about yourself. Self-examination may also be helpful. Taking time to analyze your understanding of what is morally right may offer insight into how you can be a good person on your terms. 

How can I be a better person and happy?

Self-improvement is likely one of the most critical steps toward becoming happier. People with good personalities who understand their place in the world and surround themselves with a support network tend to be much happier than those who do not reach those goals. Achieving those goals requires committing to self-improvement and growth. It requires a willingness to examine your moral identity and develop an understanding of how you conceptualize the difference between good and bad.

Many people begin by identifying their strengths and improving their self-esteem . You likely have strengths to offer, and utilizing your natural strengths can make becoming a better person much easier. Early in your self-improvement process, you should decide on reasonable goals that will continually make you a better person. Goal-setting can be challenging ; it is important that you stay within your limits and grow into a better person at a reasonable pace. 

How can I improve myself every day?

Committing to daily positive change is likely a worthwhile goal. Improving yourself daily lets you take small steps towards a larger personal goal. Many people find setting both long-term and short-term goals to be helpful. Long-term goals should represent relatively large aspirations related to your self-improvement, and short-term goals should represent steps you can take to achieve your larger goals. 

Ensuring that your long-term and short-term goals are reasonably achievable is important. Your goals shouldn’t take so little effort that you don’t have to work to attain them, but they shouldn’t be so hard that you risk burnout trying to accomplish them. Appropriately balancing your goals is likely to help you stay on track and motivated as you incorporate daily self-improvement into your life.  

How can I change myself to be better?

Bettering yourself requires time, effort, and dedication. When you set goals and work toward them, you are physically changing the pathways in your brain , which requires consistent effort and repetition. If you are trying to rid yourself of bad habits or develop better ones, you may need to commit days, weeks, or months to the process. That is why choosing achievable goals is so important; if you go too long without reaching a goal, you may experience depleted willpower and burnout. 

When deciding your goals and how you want to achieve them, it may be helpful to study your successes. You likely have many strengths you can leverage on your self-improvement journey, some of which you may not realize you have. Consider paying close attention to the positive feedback you receive from others. 

Reflect on what strengths are apparent and how you can use those good qualities to achieve your goals. If feedback from others in your life is sparse, consider asking those around you for feedback directly. Don’t expect everything to be positive; you should be prepared for some (hopefully constructive) criticism. You can reflect on the criticism, too, especially if it conflicts with your goals, but be sure to come back around to the positive. 

How do I get better at something?

No matter what skill you are trying to develop, getting better at something requires willpower and persistence. Self-improvement requires actions that physically change your brain as your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors change. Sticking to your goals is arguably the most challenging part of getting better at something, especially at the beginning of the process. 

Here are some basic steps to help you remain committed to your self-improvement journey: 

• Develop a growth mindset. A person with a growth mindset sees failure as a necessary part of success. You may want to work on accepting the trials and tribulations of personal growth. Doing so may make it easier to avoid burnout and stay committed to your goals. 
• Develop refined goals. Goals that are too broad (e.g., “I want to get better”) are difficult to achieve. It is important that your goals be attainable . Each time you achieve one of your goals, the reward center in your brain reinforces the behavior that got you there. Refined goals are balanced; they aren’t so easy that you don’t have to work to achieve them and aren’t so hard that you burn out trying to attain them. 
• Keep your focus. It is easy to get distracted from whatever improvement goals you have. Vices and bad habits are potential distractions, but so are the demands of daily life. Other people’s poor behavior can distract you as well. Consider learning to forgive people quickly, for your sake, instead of theirs.  Make sure you are reminding yourself of your goals and tracking your progress daily. 
• Maintain accountability. Monitoring your progress towards your goals lets you analyze how your journey is coming along. If there are areas where you are struggling to progress, take time to figure out where the challenges are and how you can overcome them. Take responsibility for your own progress; only you can make yourself a better person. 

How do you keep growing in life?

Consistent personal growth requires dedication and commitment. As you become a better person, you will need to identify new growth areas and goals to move forward. It is likely prudent to engage in self-evaluation regularly. Take time to learn yourself, understand your moral identity , and determine which goals you should set next in your improvement journey. 

It may also be helpful to  seek feedback from others. Friends, family, and coworkers can all be valuable sources of insight into your strengths and weaknesses. When seeking feedback from others, ask that they be open and honest with you. This means that you will need to prepare yourself to receive negative as well as positive feedback. Although criticism can be unpleasant - even if it’s constructive - listening to negative feedback can help illustrate areas for personal development, while positive improvement-oriented feedback is likely to improve your performance overall.

• Overcoming Hopelessness: Tips To Help You Feel Better Medically reviewed by Julie Dodson , MA
• Do's and don'ts: Addressing a loved one’s hoarding disorder Medically reviewed by Laura Angers Maddox , NCC, LPC
• Relationships and Relations

Home / Essay Samples / Life / About Myself / Becoming a Better Person: The Journey of Self-Improvement

Becoming a Better Person: The Journey of Self-Improvement

• Category: Life
• Topic: About Myself , Believe in Myself

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