how to help a child with problem solving

• Trying to Conceive
• Signs & Symptoms
• Pregnancy Tests
• Fertility Testing
• Fertility Treatment
• Weeks & Trimesters
• Staying Healthy
• Preparing for Baby
• Complications & Concerns
• Pregnancy Loss
• Breastfeeding
• School-Aged Kids
• Raising Kids
• Personal Stories
• Everyday Wellness
• Safety & First Aid
• Immunizations
• Food & Nutrition
• Active Play
• Pregnancy Products
• Nursery & Sleep Products
• Nursing & Feeding Products
• Clothing & Accessories
• Toys & Gifts
• Ovulation Calculator
• Pregnancy Due Date Calculator
• How to Talk About Postpartum Depression
• Editorial Process
• Meet Our Review Board

How to Teach Kids Problem-Solving Skills

KidStock / Blend Images / Getty Images

• Steps to Follow
• Allow Consequences

Whether your child can't find their math homework or has forgotten their lunch, good problem-solving skills are the key to helping them manage their life. 

A 2010 study published in Behaviour Research and Therapy found that kids who lack problem-solving skills may be at a higher risk of depression and suicidality.   Additionally, the researchers found that teaching a child problem-solving skills can improve mental health . 

You can begin teaching basic problem-solving skills during preschool and help your child sharpen their skills into high school and beyond.

Why Problem-Solving Skills Matter

Kids face a variety of problems every day, ranging from academic difficulties to problems on the sports field. Yet few of them have a formula for solving those problems.

Kids who lack problem-solving skills may avoid taking action when faced with a problem.

Rather than put their energy into solving the problem, they may invest their time in avoiding the issue.   That's why many kids fall behind in school or struggle to maintain friendships .

Other kids who lack problem-solving skills spring into action without recognizing their choices. A child may hit a peer who cuts in front of them in line because they are not sure what else to do.  

Or, they may walk out of class when they are being teased because they can't think of any other ways to make it stop. Those impulsive choices may create even bigger problems in the long run.

The 5 Steps of Problem-Solving

Kids who feel overwhelmed or hopeless often won't attempt to address a problem. But when you give them a clear formula for solving problems, they'll feel more confident in their ability to try. Here are the steps to problem-solving:  

• Identify the problem . Just stating the problem out loud can make a big difference for kids who are feeling stuck. Help your child state the problem, such as, "You don't have anyone to play with at recess," or "You aren't sure if you should take the advanced math class." 
• Develop at least five possible solutions . Brainstorm possible ways to solve the problem. Emphasize that all the solutions don't necessarily need to be good ideas (at least not at this point). Help your child develop solutions if they are struggling to come up with ideas. Even a silly answer or far-fetched idea is a possible solution. The key is to help them see that with a little creativity, they can find many different potential solutions.
• Identify the pros and cons of each solution . Help your child identify potential positive and negative consequences for each potential solution they identified. 
• Pick a solution. Once your child has evaluated the possible positive and negative outcomes, encourage them to pick a solution.
• Test it out . Tell them to try a solution and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, they can always try another solution from the list that they developed in step two. 

Practice Solving Problems

When problems arise, don’t rush to solve your child’s problems for them. Instead, help them walk through the problem-solving steps. Offer guidance when they need assistance, but encourage them to solve problems on their own. If they are unable to come up with a solution, step in and help them think of some. But don't automatically tell them what to do. 

When you encounter behavioral issues, use a problem-solving approach. Sit down together and say, "You've been having difficulty getting your homework done lately. Let's problem-solve this together." You might still need to offer a consequence for misbehavior, but make it clear that you're invested in looking for a solution so they can do better next time. 

Use a problem-solving approach to help your child become more independent.

If they forgot to pack their soccer cleats for practice, ask, "What can we do to make sure this doesn't happen again?" Let them try to develop some solutions on their own.

Kids often develop creative solutions. So they might say, "I'll write a note and stick it on my door so I'll remember to pack them before I leave," or "I'll pack my bag the night before and I'll keep a checklist to remind me what needs to go in my bag." 

Provide plenty of praise when your child practices their problem-solving skills.  

Allow for Natural Consequences

Natural consequences  may also teach problem-solving skills. So when it's appropriate, allow your child to face the natural consequences of their action. Just make sure it's safe to do so. 

For example, let your teenager spend all of their money during the first 10 minutes you're at an amusement park if that's what they want. Then, let them go for the rest of the day without any spending money.

This can lead to a discussion about problem-solving to help them make a better choice next time. Consider these natural consequences as a teachable moment to help work together on problem-solving.

Becker-Weidman EG, Jacobs RH, Reinecke MA, Silva SG, March JS. Social problem-solving among adolescents treated for depression . Behav Res Ther . 2010;48(1):11-18. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2009.08.006

Pakarinen E, Kiuru N, Lerkkanen M-K, Poikkeus A-M, Ahonen T, Nurmi J-E. Instructional support predicts childrens task avoidance in kindergarten .  Early Child Res Q . 2011;26(3):376-386. doi:10.1016/j.ecresq.2010.11.003

Schell A, Albers L, von Kries R, Hillenbrand C, Hennemann T. Preventing behavioral disorders via supporting social and emotional competence at preschool age .  Dtsch Arztebl Int . 2015;112(39):647–654. doi:10.3238/arztebl.2015.0647

Cheng SC, She HC, Huang LY. The impact of problem-solving instruction on middle school students’ physical science learning: Interplays of knowledge, reasoning, and problem solving . EJMSTE . 2018;14(3):731-743.

Vlachou A, Stavroussi P. Promoting social inclusion: A structured intervention for enhancing interpersonal problem‐solving skills in children with mild intellectual disabilities . Support Learn . 2016;31(1):27-45. doi:10.1111/1467-9604.12112

Öğülmüş S, Kargı E. The interpersonal cognitive problem solving approach for preschoolers .  Turkish J Educ . 2015;4(17347):19-28. doi:10.19128/turje.181093

American Academy of Pediatrics. What's the best way to discipline my child? .

Kashani-Vahid L, Afrooz G, Shokoohi-Yekta M, Kharrazi K, Ghobari B. Can a creative interpersonal problem solving program improve creative thinking in gifted elementary students? .  Think Skills Creat . 2017;24:175-185. doi:10.1016/j.tsc.2017.02.011

Shokoohi-Yekta M, Malayeri SA. Effects of advanced parenting training on children's behavioral problems and family problem solving .  Procedia Soc Behav Sci . 2015;205:676-680. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.09.106

By Amy Morin, LCSW Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, an international bestselling author of books on mental strength and host of The Verywell Mind Podcast. She delivered one of the most popular TEDx talks of all time.

A password reset email has been sent to the email address on file for your account, but may take several minutes to show up in your inbox. Please wait at least 10 minutes before attempting another reset.

Email address *

Lost your password?

Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link to create a new password via email.

Email address

Registering for this site allows you to access your order status and history. Just fill in the fields below, and we’ll get a new account set up for you in no time. We will only ask you for information necessary to make the purchase process faster and easier.

• Tweens & Teens

Shopping cart

• No products in the cart.

items in the cart: 0

How to Teach Problem-Solving Skills to Children and Preteens

• By Ashley Cullins

Whether it’s a toy-related conflict, a tough math equation, or negative peer pressure, kids of ALL ages face problems and challenges on a daily basis.

As parents or teachers, we can’t always be there to solve every problem for our children. In fact, this isn’t our job. Our job is to TEACH our children how to solve problems by themselves . This way, they can become confident , independent, and successful individuals.

Instead of giving up or getting frustrated when they encounter a challenge, kids with problem-solving skills manage their emotions, think creatively, and persist until they find a solution. Naturally, these abilities go hand-in-hand with a  growth mindset .

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our FREE Your Words Matter Volume 2 Kit . With these 10 one-page parenting guides, you will know exactly how to speak to your child to help them stand up for themselves, be more confident, and develop a growth mindset.

So HOW do you teach problem-solving skills to kids?

Well, it depends on their age . As cognitive abilities and the size of the child’s challenges grow/evolve over time, so should your approach to teaching problem-solving skills.

Read on to learn key strategies for teaching problem-solving to kids, as well as some age-by-age ideas and activities.

3 General Strategies to Teach Problem-Solving at Any Age

1. model effective problem-solving .

When YOU encounter a challenge, do a “think-aloud” for the benefit of your child. MODEL how to apply the same problem-solving skills you’ve been working on together, giving the real-world examples that she can implement in her own life.

At the same time, show your child a willingness to make mistakes . Everyone encounters problems, and that’s okay. Sometimes the first solution you try won’t work, and that’s okay too!  

When you model problem-solving, explain that there are some things that are out of our control. As we're solving a problem at hand we should focus on the things we CAN actually control.

You and your child can listen to Episode 35  of the Big Life Kids Podcast to learn about focusing on what you can control.

2. Ask for Advice

Ask your kids for advice when you have a problem. This teaches them that it’s common to make mistakes and face challenges. It also gives them the opportunity to practice problem-solving skills.

Plus, when you indicate that their ideas are valued ,  they’ll gain the confidence to attempt solving problems on their own.

3. Don’t Provide “The Answer”

As difficult as it may be, allow your child to struggle, sometimes fail , and ultimately LEARN  from experiencing consequences.

Now, let’s take a look at some age-specific strategies and activities. The ages listed below are general guidelines, feel free to choose any strategies or activities that you feel will work for YOUR child.

Use Emotion Coaching

To step into a problem-solving mindset, young children need to first learn to  manage their emotions . After all, it’s difficult for a small child to logically consider solutions to a problem if he’s mid-tantrum.

One way to accomplish this is by using the  emotion coaching process  outlined by John Gottman.

First,  teach your kids that ALL emotions are acceptable. There are NO “bad” emotions. Even seemingly negative emotions like anger, sadness, and frustration can teach us valuable lessons. What matters is how we  respond  to these emotions.

Second,   follow this process:

• Step One: Naming and validating emotions.  When your child is upset, help her process the way she’s feeling. Say something like,  “I understand that you’re upset because Jessica is playing with the toy you wanted.”
• Step Two:   Processing  emotions.  Guide your child to her  calming space. If she doesn't have one, it's a good idea to create one.  Let her calm her body and process her emotions so she can problem-solve, learn, and grow. 
• Step Three: Problem Solving.  Brainstorm solutions with your child, doing more   LISTENING   than talking during the conversation. This allows your child to practice her problem-solving skills, and she’s more likely to actually implement the solutions she came up with herself.

Say, “Show Me the Hard Part”

When your child struggles or feels frustrated, try a technique suggested by mom and parenting blogger Lauren Tamm . Simply say, “Show me the hard part.”

This helps your child identify the ROOT   of the problem, making it less intimidating and easier to solve.

Repeat back what your child says,  “So you’re saying…”

Once you both understand the real problem, prompt your child to come up with solutions . “There must be some way you can fix that…” or  “There must be something you can do…”

Now that your child has identified “the hard part,” she’ll likely be able to come up with a solution. If not, help her brainstorm some ideas. You may try asking the question, “If you DID  know, what would you think?” and see what she comes up with.

Problem-Solve with Creative Play

Allow your child to choose activities and games based on her  interests . Free play provides plenty of opportunities to navigate and creatively solve problems.

Children often learn best through play. Playing with items like blocks, simple puzzles, and dress-up clothes can teach your child the process of problem-solving.

Even while playing, your child thinks critically:  Where does this puzzle piece fit? What does this do? I want to dress up as a queen. What should I wear?   Where did I put my tiara? Is it under the couch?

Problem-Solve with Storybooks

Read age-appropriate stories featuring characters who experience problems, such as:

• Ladybug Girl and Bumblebee Boy by Jacky Davis: The story of two friends who want to play together but can’t find a game to agree on. After taking turns making suggestions, they arrive at a game they both want to play: Ladybug Girl and Bumblebee Boy.
• The Curious George Series by Margaret and H.E. Rey: A curious little monkey gets into and out of dilemmas, teaching kids to find solutions to problems of their own.
• Ira Sleeps Over by Bernard Waber: Ira’s thrilled to have a sleepover at his friend Reggie’s house. But there’s one problem: Should he or should he not bring his teddy bear? It may seem small, but this is the type of early social problem your child might relate to.

Connect these experiences to similar events in your child’s own life, and ASK your child HOW the characters in these stories could solve their problems. Encourage a variety of solutions, and discuss the possible outcomes of each.

This is a form of dialogue reading , or actively ENGAGING   your child in the reading experience. Interacting with the text instead of passively listening can “turbocharge” the development of literacy skills such as comprehension in preschool-aged children.

By asking questions about the characters’ challenges, you can also give your child’s problem-solving abilities a boost.

You can even have your child role-play the problem and potential solutions to reinforce the lesson.  

For book suggestions, refer to our Top 85 Growth Mindset Books for Children & Adults list.

Teach the Problem-Solving Steps

Come up with a simple problem-solving process for your child, one that you can consistently implement. For example, you might try the following five steps:

• Step 1: What am I feeling?  Help your child understand what she’s feeling in the moment (frustration, anger, curiosity, disappointment, excitement, etc.)  Noticing and naming emotions will diffuse  their charge and give your child a chance to take a step back.
• Step 2: What’s the problem?  Guide your child to identify the specific problem. In most cases, help her take responsibility for what happened rather than pointing fingers. For instance, instead of, “Joey got me in trouble at recess,” your child might say, “I got in trouble at recess for arguing with Joey.”
• Step 3:   What are the solutions?  Encourage your child to come up with as many solutions as possible. At this point, they don’t even need to be “good” solutions. They’re just brainstorming here, not yet evaluating the ideas they’ve generated.
• Step 4: What would happen if…? What would happen if your child attempted each of these solutions? Is the solution safe and fair? How will it make others feel? You can also try role-playing at this step. It’s important for your child to consider BOTH  positive and negative consequences of her actions.
• Step 5: Which one will I try?  Ask your child to pick one or more solutions to try. If the solution didn't work, discuss WHY and move on to another one. Encourage your child to keep trying until the problem is solved. 

Consistently practice these steps so that they become second nature, and model solving problems of your own the same way.  It's a good idea to   reflect :   What worked? What didn’t? What can you do differently next time?

Problem-Solve with Craft Materials

Crafting is another form of play that can teach kids to solve problems creatively.

Provide your child with markers, modeling clay, cardboard boxes, tape, paper, etc. They’ll come up with all sorts of interesting creations and inventive games with these simple materials.

These “open-ended toys” don’t have a “right way to play,” allowing your child to get creative and generate ideas independently .

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Asking open-ended questions improves a child’s ability to think critically and creatively, ultimately making them better problem-solvers. Examples of open-ended questions include:

• How could we work together to solve this?
• How did you work it out? or How do you know that?
• Tell me about what you built, made, or created.
• What do you think will happen next?
• What do you think would happen if…?
• What did you learn?
• What was easy? What was hard?
• What would you do differently next time?

Open-ended questions have no right answer and can’t be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No.”

You can ask open-ended questions even when your child isn’t currently solving a problem to help her practice her thinking skills, which will come in handy when she does have a problem to solve.

If you need some tips on how to encourage a growth mindset in your child, don't forget to download our FREE Your Words Matter Volume 2 Kit .

Break Down Problems into Chunks

This strategy is a more advanced version of “Show me the hard part.”

The bigger your child gets, the bigger her problems get too. When your child is facing a challenge that seems overwhelming or insurmountable, encourage her to break it into smaller, more manageable chunks.

For instance, let’s say your child has a poor grade in history class. Why is the grade so low? What are the causes of this problem?

As usual, LISTEN as your child brainstorms, asking open-ended questions to help if she gets stuck.

If the low grade is the result of missing assignments, perhaps your child can make a list of these assignments and tackle them one at a time. Or if tests are the issue, what’s causing your child to struggle on exams?

Perhaps she’s distracted by friends in the class, has trouble asking for help, and doesn’t spend enough time studying at home. Once you’ve identified these “chunks,” help your child tackle them one at a time until the problem is solved.

Show “ The Broken Escalator Video ”

Discuss the importance of embracing challenges and solving problems independently with the “broken escalator video.”

In the video, an escalator unexpectedly breaks. The people on the escalator are “stuck” and yelling for help. At this age, it’s likely that your child will find the video funny and immediately offer a solution: “Just walk! Get off the escalator!”

Tell your child that this is a simple example of how people sometimes act in difficult situations. Ask, “Why do you think they didn’t get off the escalator?” (they didn’t know how, they were waiting for help, etc.)

Sometimes, your child might feel “stuck” when facing problems. They may stop and ask for help before even attempting to find a solution. Encourage your child to embrace challenges and work through problems instead.

Problem-Solve with Prompts

Provide your child or a group of children with materials such as straws, cotton balls, yarn, clothespins, tape, paper clips, sticky notes, Popsicle sticks, etc.

With just these materials, challenge your kids to solve unusual problems like:

• Make a leprechaun trap
• Create a jump ramp for cars
• Design your own game with rules
• Make a device for two people to communicate with one another

This is a fun way to practice critical thinking and creative problem-solving. Most likely, it will take multiple attempts to find a solution that works, which can apply to just about any aspect of life.

Make Them Work for It

When your child asks for a new toy, technology, or clothes, have her make a plan to obtain the desired item herself. Not only will your child have to brainstorm and evaluate solutions, but she’ll also gain confidence .

Ask your child HOW she can earn the money for the item that she wants, and encourage her as she works toward her goal .

Put It on Paper

Have your child write out their problems on paper and brainstorm some potential solutions.

But now, she takes this process a step further: After attempting each solution, which succeeded? Which were unsuccessful? Why ?

This helps your child reflect on various outcomes, learning what works and what doesn’t. The lessons she learns here will be useful when she encounters similar problems in the future.

Play Chess Together

Learning to play chess is a great way for kids to learn problem-solving AND build their brains at the same time. It requires players to use critical thinking, creativity, analysis of the board, recognize patterns, and more. There are online versions of the game, books on how to play, videos, and other resources. Don’t know how to play? Learn with your teen to connect and problem solve together!

Have Them Learn To Code

Our teens and tweens are already tech-savvy and can use their skills to solve problems by learning to code. Coding promotes creativity, logic, planning, and persistence . There are many great tools and online or in-person programs that can boost your child’s coding skills.

Encourage to Start a Meaningful Project

This project has to be meaningful to your teen, for example starting a YouTube channel. Your teen will practice problem-solving skills as they’re figuring out how to grow their audience, how to have their videos discovered, and much more. 

In the Big Life Journal - Teen Edition , there’s a section that guides them through planning their YouTube channel and beginning the problem-solving process.

Apply the SODAS Method

Looking for a game plan that your teen can employ when faced with a problem? The SODAS method can be used for big or small problems. Just remember this simple acronym and follow these ideas:

• D isadvantages
• A dvantages

Encourage to Join Problem-Solving Groups

Does your teen enjoy solving problems in a team? Have them join a group or club that helps them hone their skills in a variety of settings--from science and robotics to debating and international affairs. Some examples of groups include: 

• Odyssey of the Mind
• Debate team
• Science Olympiad

Looking for additional resources?  The Bestseller’s Bundle includes our three most popular printable kits packed with science-based activities, guides, and crafts for children. Our Growth Mindset Kit, Resilience Kit, and Challenges Kit work together as a comprehensive system designed specifically for children ages 5-11.

• Share this post:

25 thoughts on “ How to Teach Problem-Solving Skills to Children and Preteens ”

I love, love, love the point about emotional coaching. It’s so important to identify how children are feeling about a problem and then approach the solutions accordingly.

Thank you for putting this together. I wrote an article on problem-solving specifically from the point of view of developing a STEM aptitude in kids, if you like to check it out – https://kidpillar.com/how-to-teach-problem-solving-to-your-kids-5-8-years/

I feel that these techniques will work for my kid.. Worthy.. Thank you

I love you guys

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

• New Printable
• Guide Printable

FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM

Developing Problem-Solving Skills for Kids | Strategies & Tips

We've made teaching problem-solving skills for kids a whole lot easier! Keep reading and comment below with any other tips you have for your classroom!

Problem-Solving Skills for Kids: The Real Deal

Picture this: You've carefully created an assignment for your class. The step-by-step instructions are crystal clear. During class time, you walk through all the directions, and the response is awesome. Your students are ready! It's finally time for them to start working individually and then... 8 hands shoot up with questions. You hear one student mumble in the distance, "Wait, I don't get this" followed by the dreaded, "What are we supposed to be doing again?"

When I was a new computer science teacher, I would have this exact situation happen. As a result, I would end up scrambling to help each individual student with their problems until half the class period was eaten up. I assumed that in order for my students to learn best, I needed to be there to help answer questions immediately so they could move forward and complete the assignment.

Here's what I wish I had known when I started teaching coding to elementary students - the process of grappling with an assignment's content can be more important than completing the assignment's product. That said, not every student knows how to grapple, or struggle, in order to get to the "aha!" moment and solve a problem independently. The good news is, the ability to creatively solve problems is not a fixed skill. It can be learned by students, nurtured by teachers, and practiced by everyone!

Your students are absolutely capable of navigating and solving problems on their own. Here are some strategies, tips, and resources that can help:

Problem-Solving Skills for Kids: Student Strategies

These are strategies your students can use during independent work time to become creative problem solvers.

1. Go Step-By-Step Through The Problem-Solving Sequence 

Post problem-solving anchor charts and references on your classroom wall or pin them to your Google Classroom - anything to make them accessible to students. When they ask for help, invite them to reference the charts first.

2. Revisit Past Problems

If a student gets stuck, they should ask themself, "Have I ever seen a problem like this before? If so, how did I solve it?" Chances are, your students have tackled something similar already and can recycle the same strategies they used before to solve the problem this time around.

3. Document What Doesn’t Work

Sometimes finding the answer to a problem requires the process of elimination. Have your students attempt to solve a problem at least two different ways before reaching out to you for help. Even better, encourage them write down their "Not-The-Answers" so you can see their thought process when you do step in to support. Cool thing is, you likely won't need to! By attempting to solve a problem in multiple different ways, students will often come across the answer on their own.

4. "3 Before Me"

Let's say your students have gone through the Problem Solving Process, revisited past problems, and documented what doesn't work. Now, they know it's time to ask someone for help. Great! But before you jump into save the day, practice "3 Before Me". This means students need to ask 3 other classmates their question before asking the teacher. By doing this, students practice helpful 21st century skills like collaboration and communication, and can usually find the info they're looking for on the way.

Problem-Solving Skills for Kids: Teacher Tips

These are tips that you, the teacher, can use to support students in developing creative problem-solving skills for kids.

1. Ask Open Ended Questions

When a student asks for help, it can be tempting to give them the answer they're looking for so you can both move on. But what this actually does is prevent the student from developing the skills needed to solve the problem on their own. Instead of giving answers, try using open-ended questions and prompts. Here are some examples:

2. Encourage Grappling

Grappling  is everything a student might do when faced with a problem that does not have a clear solution. As explained in this article from Edutopia , this doesn't just mean perseverance! Grappling is more than that - it includes critical thinking, asking questions, observing evidence, asking more questions, forming hypotheses, and constructing a deep understanding of an issue.

There are lots of ways to provide opportunities for grappling. Anything that includes the Engineering Design Process is a good one! Examples include:

• Engineering or Art Projects
• Design-thinking challenges
• Computer science projects
• Science experiments

3. Emphasize Process Over Product

For elementary students, reflecting on the process of solving a problem helps them develop a growth mindset . Getting an answer "wrong" doesn't need to be a bad thing! What matters most are the steps they took to get there and how they might change their approach next time. As a teacher, you can support students in learning this reflection process.

4. Model The Strategies Yourself! 

As creative problem-solving skills for kids are being learned, there will likely be moments where they are frustrated or unsure. Here are some easy ways you can model what creative problem-solving looks and sounds like.

• Ask clarifying questions if you don't understand something
• Admit when don't know the correct answer
• Talk through multiple possible outcomes for different situations 
• Verbalize how you’re feeling when you find a problem

Practicing these strategies with your students will help create a learning environment where grappling, failing, and growing is celebrated!

Problem-Solving Skill for Kids

Did we miss any of your favorites? Comment and share them below!

Looking to add creative problem solving to your class?

Learn more about Kodable's free educator plan or create your free account today to get your students coding!

Kodable has everything you need to teach kids to code!

In just a few minutes a day, kids can learn all about the fundamentals of Computer Science - and so much more! With lessons ranging from zero to JavaScript, Kodable equips children for a digital future.

Heart-Mind Online

5-step problem solving for young children.

• Solves Problems Peacefully

Even young children can be taught to solve their problems peacefully with these 5 steps: 

Step One: How do you feel? Calm down. – Often when we encounter a problem, we feel frustrated or angry. Before we can solve our problem, we need to know how we are feeling and calm down. There are different ways to calm down; we could take a break, take three deep breaths, use " milkshake breathing [ 1 ] ".

Step Two: What is the Problem? – We need to know what the problem is before we can solve it. Why do you feel angry or upset? Remember this problem belongs to you, not other people.

Step Three: Come up with Solutions – It is helpful to think of as many different solutions to the problem as possible. Not every solution will work. A solution might work one time but not another time. The more problems you solve, the easier it is to think of solutions.

Step Four: What would happen? – Think about what would happen if you chose each of the solutions you came up with. Is the solution safe? A safe solution means no one will be hurt or upset. Is the solution fair? How will everyone feel?

Step Five: Try the Solution – Choose a solution. Try your solution. Did it solve the problem? If the solution does not solve the problem, you can try one of the other solutions you came up with.

Lesson Plan: Solving Problems Peacefully

Background & learning outcomes:.

This activity  [ 2 ] is written for children ages 4-6 for a child care setting, preschool, kindergarten or in the home. It can be adapted, however for other ages. By teaching children basic problem solving steps and providing opportunities for them to practice this skill, children can become competent problem solvers.

• Large paper and marker for writing solution ideas

Teaching and Learning Activities:

Introduce the topic of "problems." Ask children to share problems they have had recently. You can add your own examples of problems you have had or problems you have observed in the classroom.

Explain to the children that they can become expert problem solvers by using five problem solving steps.

Introduce and briefly explain each of the problem-solving steps.

Pick an example of a problem the children shared. Work through the problem with the children using the five problem solving steps.

Step 1: How do you feel? Calm down.  Ask the children to identify how they felt or how they might feel if this problem happened to them. Ask them for suggestions to calm down. Practice ways to calm down, like taking three deep breaths.

Step 2: What is the Problem?  Ask children to describe what the problem is. Help children to reframe the problem so it is defined as their problem, not someone else’s problem. For example: “I want to use the red crayon,” instead of, “they won’t share the red crayon.”

Step 3: Come up with Solutions.  Encourage children think of as many solutions as possible. In the beginning, you may need to help them with solutions. Write down the possible solutions. The focus at this step is just to generate as many solutions as possible, not to evaluate solutions.

Step 4: What would happen?  Ask children to think what would happen next if they chose a solution. Is the solution safe? A safe solution means no one will get hurt. Is the solution fair? How will everyone feel? Have the children go through the solutions they generated and think about what would happen next. Role playing the solutions can help children understand the possible consequences.

Step 5: Try the Solution.  Have the children pick a solution to the problem. Will the problem be resolved? The chosen solution can also be role played.

Adaptations:

• Accompanying each step with a visual cue is helpful, particularly for children with limited verbal skills.
• Depending on the age and attention span of the children, practicing the problem-solving steps using an example problem can be split into different lessons. Start by introducing the five steps in the first lesson, then in each subsequent lesson, practice one step.
• Role play different solutions to problems with children to help them understand the consequences of solutions.

Follow-Up Activities:

Once children have been taught these five steps to problem solving, they need opportunities to practice using them. These follow-up activities reinforce the problem-solving steps and provide practice opportunities:

Post visuals of the problem-solving steps in the room where they are visible for children to refer to on an ongoing basis.

Return to the problem solving steps regularly. Have the children provide other examples of problems they have encountered or create hypothetical problems that are relevant to their lives. Work through these problems as a class, using the problem solving steps.

When problems arise in the classroom, remind children to use their problem solving steps and guide them through the process. As they become more competent problem solvers, they will require less assistance to work through the steps.

Role model effective problem solving for your child.

Select children’s books where the characters encounter a problem. Ask the children how the character in the story could solve their problem. Encourage a variety of solutions. Have the children act out the problem and possible solutions. Book examples include:

A Good Day  (2007) by Kevin Henkes.  Bird, Fox, Dog, and Squirrel are not starting their day off very well. However, with a little patience, they find that they are able to overcome minor setbacks in order to have a very good day after all. Ages 0-6.

Bobby vs. Girls (accidentally)  (2009) by Lisa Yee.  Bobby and Holly have been best friends for years, until a disagreement threatens to break them up for good. However, when their argument accidentally sparks a full-out war between the boys and girls in their fourth-grade class, they must come up with a way to return things to normal. Ages 6-12.  

• Conflict Resolution
• Self-Regulation
• Early Years
• Middle Years

Learn more about "milkshake breathing" and ways to teach children this and other important calming skills.

Adapted from: Joseph, G.E. & Strain, P.S. (2010). Teaching Young Children Interpersonal Problem-Solving Skills. Young Exceptional Children, 13, 28-40.

• Book Lists by Age
• Book Lists by Category
• Reading Resources
• Language & Speech
• Raise a Reader Blog
• Back to School
• Success Guides by Grade
• Homework Help
• Social & Emotional Learning
• Activities for Kids

How Your Child Learns to Problem-Solve

Your preschooler is figuring out what things are, why things are, and how things work..

In the course of your child's day, dozens of questions like these arise: "What's inside this box?" "How can I get into it?" "How far can I throw this ball?" "What will happen if I spill all of the crayons out of the box?" "I wonder if my teddy bear floats?" "How can I get these pieces of paper to stick to that piece of paper?" "Why does my block tower keep falling over?"

By asking these questions, your child is identifying and figuring out ways to solve them, and trying out her ideas. Every time she experiments with and investigates things in her world, such as how far water will squirt from a sprayer and what's inside a seedpod, for example, she is building her ability to solve problems. This is also true when she selects materials for building or when she learns to resolve an argument with a friend or sibling over a toy.

If we look at this process more closely, we discover that problem solving involves both creative and critical thinking. Both are necessary to figure out the solutions to problems of all kinds.

Creative Thinking

Creative thinking is the heart of problem solving. It is the ability to see a different way to do something, generate new ideas, and use materials in new ways. Central to creative thinking is the willingness to take risks, to experiment, and even to make a mistake. Part of creative thinking is "fluent" thinking, which is the ability to generate or brainstorm ideas. So ask your child "wide-open" questions! For instance, ask him to:

• imagine all the different ways to get to school (walking, flying, driving, swimming!).
• name everything he can think of that's red.
• name everything he can think of that's round.
• imagine all the things he could make out of clay or paper bags or even an empty box.

These are good examples of thinking problems that have many right answers. Research has shown that the ability to think fluently has a high correlation to school success later on. Another part of creative thinking is "flexible" thinking, which is the ability to see many possibilities or to view objects or situations in different ways. The next time your child pretends a pot is a hat or a spoon is a microphone or speculates on all the reasons that a child in a picture might feel sad, he is practicing his flexible thinking.

Critical Thinking

Critical, or logical, thinking is the ability to break an idea into its parts and analyze them. The math skills of sorting and classifying, comparing similarities and differences, are all parts of critical thinking. Whenever your child looks at, say, two glasses of juice and tries to figure out which one holds more, he is practicing this kind of thinking. To encourage it, ask your child:

• how many different ways he can sort his blocks.
• how many different ways he can make a building out of the blocks.
• how the building would be different if he used blocks of only one size.
• how a bottle of juice and his lunch box are alike and how they are different.
• how family members' shoes are alike and how they are different.

Asking questions about things that don't seem to make sense is another way children think critically. Questions such as "Why do I have a shadow on the playground but not inside?" or "Why can't I see the wind?" are examples of critical thinking. You don't need to have one right answer, but do encourage your child to express his ideas. There's one other thing to remember about problem solving: It's fun! So make room for spontaneity and prepare yourself to be surprised and delighted as you discover your child's unique way of thinking.

1 (844) 773-3822

26 Powerful Problem Solving Activities for Kids

As you navigate the busy aisles of the grocery store, your child’s hand firmly in yours, you’re hit by a sudden realization. You’re not just shopping for groceries; you’re in the midst of an impromptu problem solving class. 

Your child, curious and eager, starts asking you questions: 

• “Why do we choose this cereal and not that one?” 
• “How do we know how many apples to buy?”

In these moments, you’re more than a parent; you’re a guide, helping your child understand and navigate the world. It’s not always easy, especially when your child faces unique challenges. 

You know their path is a little different, their learning style distinct. You want to equip them with skills beyond the basics and empower them to tackle the hurdles life throws their way.

Problem solving isn’t just about finding solutions; it’s about building resilience, confidence, and creativity. 

You’ve seen it firsthand – the spark of understanding in your child’s eyes, the proud smile when they figure something out. These small victories remind you of the importance of nurturing these skills.

But where do you start? How do you turn everyday moments into enriching learning experiences? 

One way is to challenge your children by regularly providing them with problem solving activities. Here is a list of ideas: 

Want One-On-One Expert Help?!

Check this out.

#1 Puzzles and Brain Teasers

As you sit beside your child, engaging in a puzzle or brain teaser, you do more than spend quality time together. These activities are key in honing their problem solving skills, which are essential for their growth and development.

Why Puzzles and Brain Teasers Are Beneficial?

– enhances critical thinking: .

Your child learns to approach problems systematically, analyzing and forming strategies.

– Improves Concentration: 

These activities require focus, helping your child develop a deeper concentration level.

– Builds Persistence: 

Facing challenging puzzles teaches them not to give up easily, fostering resilience.

– Encourages Independent Problem Solving: 

As they work through a puzzle, they learn to rely on their skills and intuition, boosting their confidence.

Examples for Different Age Groups

– younger elementary students (5-8 years): .

Start with jigsaw puzzles that have a moderate number of pieces. Simple word puzzles or riddles are also great to stimulate their thinking.

– Older Elementary Students (9-12 years): 

Introduce more complex puzzles, like jigsaws with more pieces, logic puzzles, and basic Sudoku. These challenge their thinking and improve logical reasoning.

– Teenagers (13-18 years): 

Engage them with advanced puzzles, such as 3D puzzles, crosswords, and challenging brain teasers that require abstract thinking. 

When choosing these activities, consider your child’s interests and abilities to keep them motivated and engaged. It’s not about the complexity of the puzzle but the process of finding solutions and the learning that comes with it.

As they tackle these challenges, they’re not just solving puzzles. They’re building skills that will help them navigate the complexities of life.

Role-Playing Games

Envision your child diving into the world of a detective, a scientist, or a historical figure. Through role-playing games, they’re not just engaging in play.

They’re sharpening their problem solving skills imaginatively and dynamically.

Benefits of Role-Playing Scenarios

– fosters creative problem solving: .

Role-playing challenges your child to think on their feet, creating solutions in diverse scenarios.

– Develops Empathy and Social Awareness: 

Taking on different roles helps them understand various perspectives, building empathy and social skills.

– Strengthens Communication Abilities: 

These activities encourage clear and effective communication , vital for problem solving.

– Tailored to Individual Learning Styles: 

Role-playing can be adapted to suit your child’s unique needs and interests, making it an inclusive learning tool.

Role-Playing Ideas 

#2 mystery detective: .

Set up a mystery game where your child has to find clues and solve a case. This can be made more complex for older children, involving critical thinking and deductive reasoning.

#3 Historical Role-Play: 

Have your child take on the role of a historical figure. They can navigate historical events, making decisions based on the context, which enhances their understanding of history and its challenges.

#4 Science Explorer: 

Create scenarios where your child is a scientist or an explorer facing environmental or scientific problems. They can develop innovative solutions, fostering a love for science and exploration.

#5 Future World Builder: 

Engage older children and teens in creating and managing a city or civilization in the future. This kind of role-play involves strategic planning, resource management, and ethical decision-making.

When engaging in these activities, the focus should be on learning through experience and fun. Encourage your child’s imagination, validate their ideas, and guide them through the problem solving process. 

Remember, role-playing is a powerful tool that can make learning enjoyable and impactful for your child.

Building and Construction Projects

Whether it’s a simple craft project or a more complex construction task, these activities are not just about creating something tangible. They’re about building problem solving skills.

Why Building Activities Enhance Problem Solving?

– encourages practical thinking: .

As your child figures out how to assemble parts, they learn to think logically and sequentially.

– Develops Spatial Awareness: 

Understanding how different pieces fit together improves their spatial intelligence.

– Fosters Creativity and Innovation: 

They’ll learn to think creatively as they design and build, especially when improvising solutions.

– Teaches Planning and Organization: 

Planning out a project helps develop organizational skills and forward-thinking.

Safe and Accessible Building Project Ideas

#6 cardboard creations: .

Use cardboard boxes to build anything from simple houses to intricate castles. This is safe, easy, and allows for endless creativity.

#7 DIY Birdhouse or Insect Hotel: 

Older children can take on projects like building a birdhouse or an insect hotel, which involves more planning and precision.

#8 Recycled Material Sculptures: 

Encourage your child to create sculptures using recycled materials. This not only sparks creativity but also teaches the value of recycling.

#9 Simple Woodworking Projects: 

Consider basic woodworking projects for teenagers, like a small shelf or a picture frame. Ensure supervision and safety measures are in place.

Remember, the goal is to challenge yet not overwhelm. Start with simpler projects and gradually increase complexity based on your child’s interest and skill level. 

Encourage their efforts, celebrate their successes, and most importantly, enjoy the process of building and learning together. This is where practical skills meet creativity, leading to effective problem solving.

Technology and Problem Solving Activities

In today’s digital age, apps and games can be much more than distractions; they can be tools for learning and development.

Why Technology Aids Problem Solving?

– interactive learning: .

Digital platforms offer interactive experiences that keep children engaged and actively learning.

– Adaptive Challenges: 

Many apps and games adjust their difficulty based on your child’s progress, providing a continuous and appropriate challenge.

– Visual and Auditory Stimulation: 

Graphics and sound in digital games enhance cognitive skills and problem solving abilities.

– Accessibility: 

Technology can offer tailored learning experiences, especially beneficial for children with special needs.

Recommended Apps and Games

#10 puzzle games: .

Look for puzzle apps that challenge spatial reasoning and logical thinking. Examples include tangram-based games or block-fitting puzzles.

#11 Strategy Games: 

Games that require planning and strategy, like turn-based strategy games or resource management simulations, are great for older children.

#12 Coding for Kids: 

Introduce basic programming concepts through kid-friendly coding apps. These teach logical thinking and problem solving in a fun, interactive way.

#13 Educational Adventure Games: 

Choose adventure games incorporating math, science, or language puzzles within an engaging storyline.

When selecting apps and games, focus on age-appropriate ones, considering your child’s interests and skill levels. The goal is to find digital tools that challenge and educate, not just entertain. 

Encourage your child to reflect on what they learn and apply these skills beyond the screen. In this way, technology becomes a valuable ally in developing your child’s problem solving abilities.

#14 Escape Room Games

Visualize your child and their friends (or your family) immersed in the thrilling world of an escape room. This isn’t just an exciting game. It’s a dynamic learning experience where essential skills are developed as they work to solve puzzles and ‘escape.’

Benefits of Escape Room Activities

– teamwork: .

Escape rooms are a fantastic way for kids to learn the value of teamwork. They discover the importance of working together, communicating effectively, and sharing tasks to achieve a common goal.

– Critical Thinking: 

These games push children to think outside the box. They must look beyond the obvious, develop creative solutions, and apply critical thinking to overcome challenges.

– Communication: 

Effective communication is crucial in escape rooms. Your child learns to express their ideas clearly, listen to others, and collaborate to solve puzzles.

– Problem Solving: 

Escape rooms are all about solving a series of puzzles. Kids learn to identify problems, analyze them, and develop creative solutions under pressure.

Creating an Escape Room Experience at Home

– diy home escape room: .

Set up a simple escape room at home. Use clues related to your child’s interests, and create challenging yet solvable puzzles. It can be a simple treasure hunt with clues leading to the next step.

– Escape Room Board Games: 

There are board games available that mimic the escape room experience. These are great for rainy days or quiet evenings at home.

– Digital Escape Rooms: 

There are also digital escape room experiences, perfect for children who enjoy online gaming. Choose ones that focus on teamwork and problem-solving that are age-appropriate.

Remember, the goal is to challenge and engage your child in a fun, collaborative way. 

Through escape room activities, they enjoy an exciting adventure and develop essential life skills that will serve them well academically and personally.

#15 Indoor Rock Climbing

This activity is often overlooked, but it’s an incredible way for children of all ages and abilities to develop many skills beyond physical strength.

Multifaceted Benefits of Indoor Rock Climbing

– problem solving skills: .

As your child figures out the best climbing route, they use critical problem solving skills. Deciding which hold to grab next requires quick thinking and strategy, skills transferable to everyday challenges.

– Coordination: 

Rock climbing demands a harmony of movements between hands and feet. This enhances your child’s coordination, a valuable skill in many other aspects of their life.

– Strength Building: 

Climbing strengthens not just the arms and legs but the entire body. It’s a full-body workout that improves physical strength and endurance.

– Stamina Development: 

Maintaining their position on the wall for an extended period builds stamina. This persistence is mirrored in their ability to stay focused on other activities.

– Focus and Concentration: 

Successfully climbing requires complete concentration. Your child learns to focus their mind on the task at hand, a skill that’s invaluable in school and other settings.

– Self-discipline: 

Rock climbing teaches self-control and emotional regulation . Staying calm and composed on the wall is essential for safety and success.

– Boosting Confidence: 

Each climb is a boost to your child’s self-esteem . Believing in their abilities to reach the top instills a sense of accomplishment and confidence.

Getting Started with Indoor Rock Climbing

– find a kid-friendly facility: .

Look for indoor climbing centers that offer sessions for children. They provide the necessary equipment and guidance in a safe environment.

– Start with Basic Walls: 

Begin with walls designed for beginners, gradually moving to more challenging climbs as your child gains confidence and skill.

– Encourage Regular Practice: 

Consistency is key. Regular climbing sessions will help your child improve their skills steadily.

Remember, rock climbing is not just about reaching the top; it’s about the journey. Each step your child takes up that wall is a step towards building essential life skills in a fun, engaging, and challenging environment.

#16 Obstacle Courses

Imagine setting up a fun, engaging obstacle course in your backyard or living room. This isn’t just an entertaining activity for your child. It’s a comprehensive learning experience that builds many life skills.

Valuable Life Skills Gained from Obstacle Courses

– teamwork and cooperation: .

Obstacle courses often require collaboration. Your child learns the importance of working together, sharing strategies, and helping peers to achieve common objectives.

Each obstacle presents a unique challenge. Your child learns to think quickly, devise strategies, and find creative solutions to navigate through them.

– Perseverance and Determination: 

Obstacle courses can be challenging, teaching your child the value of persistence and grit. They learn to keep trying, even when faced with challenging tasks.

– Large Motor Fitness: 

These courses are excellent for enhancing physical fitness, improving strength, balance, and coordination.

– Mental Fitness: 

Besides physical agility, obstacle courses sharpen mental skills like focus, concentration, and stamina.

Setting Up a Simple Obstacle Course

– indoor course: .

Use household items like chairs, cushions, and tables to create a safe indoor course. This can include crawling under tables, hopping between cushions, or balancing along a taped line on the floor.

– Outdoor Course: 

Use natural elements like trees, hills, or simple items like ropes and hula hoops for outdoor space. Set up tasks like weaving between trees, climbing small hills, or jumping through hoops.

– Incorporate Diverse Activities: 

Add variety to your course with activities like throwing a ball into a bucket, balancing a book on the head, or hopping on one foot. This keeps the course dynamic and engaging.

Remember, the primary goal is to have fun while learning. Encourage your child, celebrate their successes, and perhaps even join to model teamwork and sportsmanship.

Through obstacle courses, your child enjoys physical activity and develops crucial life skills in an exciting and hands-on way.

Cooking and Baking Projects

Cooking and baking are not just about creating delicious treats; they’re an excellent way for your child to learn and practice many skills.

Skills Developed Through Cooking and Baking

– math and measurement skills: .

Recipes require measuring ingredients, which is a practical way for your child to learn about fractions, volumes, and weights.

– Reading and Comprehension: 

Following a recipe improves reading skills and comprehension. Your child learns to follow instructions and understand the sequence of steps.

– Science and Chemistry: 

Cooking is a fun way to introduce basic science concepts. They’ll learn about chemical reactions, like how yeast makes dough rise or how heat changes food.

– Creativity and Experimentation: 

Encourage your child to be creative, whether decorating cookies or experimenting with flavors. This fosters their artistic side and teaches them about trial and error.

– Life Skills and Independence: 

Cooking and baking are essential life skills. By learning these, your child gains a sense of independence and accomplishment.

Ideas for Cooking and Baking Projects

#17 simple recipes: .

Start with easy recipes like no-bake cookies, fruit salads, or sandwiches. These are perfect for younger children.

#18 Theme Cooking: 

Make cooking more engaging by tying it to a theme or a subject they’re learning in school, like baking pies when learning about circles in math.

#19 International Cuisine: 

Explore recipes from around the world. This not only introduces new flavors but also teaches about different cultures.

#20 Weekly Cooking Day: 

Dedicate one day a week to cook or bake something special with your child. It could be a time to try new recipes or perfect old favorites.

Remember, the kitchen is a fantastic classroom. It’s a place where your child can learn, make mistakes, and enjoy the fruits of their labor! Encourage them, guide them, and most importantly, have fun together in this delicious learning journey.

Incorporating Everyday Situations

As you go about your daily routine with your child, consider the myriad learning opportunities in these simple moments. Everyday tasks, often overlooked, are fertile ground for developing problem solving skills.

Turning Routine Activities into Problem Solving Exercises

#21 grocery shopping: .

Turn a regular shopping trip into a math lesson. Have your child help with making a budget, calculating discounts, or comparing prices. They learn about money management, estimation, and decision-making.

#22 Planning a Route: 

If you’re heading out to multiple places, involve your child in planning the route. Discuss factors like distance, time, and traffic. This teaches them about logistics, time management, and geographical orientation.

#23 Organizing Spaces: 

Ask your child to think of the best way to organize it, whether it’s their room, a bookshelf, or the living room. This encourages them to think about space utilization, categorization, and orderliness.

#24 Meal Planning: 

Involve them in meal planning for the week. They can help decide the menu, ensuring a balance of nutrition. This teaches them about health, planning, and the importance of variety.

#25 DIY Home Projects: 

Simple home projects, like planting a garden or painting a fence, can be excellent problem solving exercises. They learn about the process, the necessary materials, and the steps to complete a project.

#26 Time Management: 

Encourage your child to plan their day or week, balancing schoolwork, chores, and leisure. This helps them develop critical time management and prioritization skills.

Each of these activities, while mundane, is an opportunity for your child to think critically, make decisions, and solve problems. 

The key is actively involving them, asking open-ended questions, and encouraging them to think through their choices. 

This way, everyday tasks become more than just chores. They become stepping stones in your child’s developmental journey.

Tips for Success

As you embark on these activities with your child, keeping them engaged and motivated is crucial. Here are some practical tips: 

Keeping Children Engaged and Motivated

– set achievable goals: .

Start with simple tasks and gradually increase the difficulty. Achieving these smaller goals will boost your child’s confidence and motivation.

– Incorporate Their Interests: 

Tailor activities to include your child’s hobbies or favorite subjects. This personal connection makes learning more exciting and relatable.

– Offer Positive Reinforcement: 

Praise their efforts, not just the outcomes. Celebrate their progress and perseverance, which encourages a growth mindset .

– Create a Routine: 

Establishing a consistent activity schedule helps build discipline and a sense of anticipation.

– Provide Choices: 

Give your child options in activities or ways to complete them. This sense of control can be very motivating.

– Break Down Tasks: 

For complex activities, break them into smaller, manageable steps. This makes the task more manageable and more approachable.

Adapting Activities for Children with Special Needs

– simplify instructions: .

Use clear, concise language and visual aids if necessary. Breaking instructions into smaller steps can be very helpful.

– Flexible Approach: 

Be open to adapting activities based on your child’s needs. This could mean altering the pace, reducing sensory inputs , or providing additional support.

– Incorporate Sensory Activities: 

For children who benefit from sensory input, include activities that engage different senses .

– Use Assistive Technology: 

For children with physical or learning disabilities, utilize available technology to facilitate their participation and learning.

– Foster a Safe Environment: 

Ensure the learning environment is safe, supportive, and free from unnecessary pressures or distractions.

– Collaborate with Educators and Therapists: 

Work with your child’s teachers or therapists to align activities with their educational and therapeutic goals.

Remember, being patient, adaptable, and responsive to your child’s needs and responses is vital. Your support and encouragement can make a significant difference in their learning journey.

As you step into this journey of enriching your child’s learning through these diverse activities, remember that each moment spent together is about achieving a goal and creating lasting memories and invaluable learning experiences. 

Your role in guiding and supporting your child through these activities is a powerful force in their development.

We would love to hear about your adventures and discoveries. Share your stories with us in the comments below! 

Whether it’s the proud smile of your child solving a puzzle, the excitement of completing a DIY project, or the laughter that fills your kitchen during a cooking session, your experiences can inspire and encourage other parents embarking on similar journeys.

Additional Resources for Learning

• 29 Fun Activities to Help Kids Focus (With Proven Results)
• Fun Winter Break Activities for Kids Guaranteed to Bust Boredom
• 21 Simple & Fun Gratitude Activities for Kids
• The Ultimate Guide to Summer Learning Activities (Your Child Will Love)

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it on Pinterest and Facebook. Join our Special Ed Parenting Facebook Community to connect with other parents of special needs children. 

Do you have a child that needs one on one assistance?  

We offer one-on-one special education tutoring that can be done from anywhere the student is! Why? Because our special education experts conduct their sessions online!

Get started with a free consultation  today!

Shannah Holt

Leave a reply cancel reply.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Name  *

Email  *

Add Comment  *

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

Post Comment

Our Services

• Special Education Tutoring
• IEP Consulting
• Special Needs Advocacy
• Home Schooling

Popular Articles

7 step iep process.

• Creative Writing Activities
• Activities to Help Kids Focus
• Self-Contained Classroom Defined
• 10 Benefits of Special Needs Tutoring
• Classroom Accommodations for Executive Function Disorder
• 45 Executive Functioning Activities for Kids 5-12
• What is Nonverbal Learning Disorder (Signs of NVLD)
• What is Executive Function Disorder in Children?
• 105 Creative Spring Writing Prompts for Kids and Teens
• Student Accommodations for Auditory Processing Disorder

Think Differently About Education. We Believe…

We assess your child’s learning style, personality, and interests to pair them with the ideal special ed tutor based on their individual needs.

Through technology and one on one learning, their future path to success can be made clear again.

Are you ready to see confident progress in your child?

Get started with a no-obligation consultation today!

There are hundreds of resources found on our website, SpecialEdResource.com, and on our YouTube channel that were created to help parents JUST LIKE YOU understand the cryptic language of special education.

Important Links

Copyright © 2024 SpecialEd Resource – Design by   DeskTeam36 0

• Terms & Conditions
• Privacy Policy

• Health Topics & Resources (current)
• Why Find a Psychologist? (current)
• Finding the Best Fit (current)
• About (current)

8 Steps to Help Your Child Learn Problem Solving Skills

This article, written by Jennifer Wendt, PhD, was originally published on TherapyChanges.com and is being shared on FindaPsychologist.org with permission from Therapy Changes.

As adults we solve problems all throughout the day, from minimal to major problems. We are called upon to make decisions and find solutions to problems occurring in our homes, jobs, relationships, health, etc. The list is endless! Many problems we fix are common and we have learned a variety of solutions to use without much thought. Problems that are novel or larger may require us to pause and actively use our problem solving skills.

One of the most exciting moments is to witness a child learning to solve his or her own problems! The moment when a child spits out a pacifier and instead of crying, she reaches out her hand to search for it and places it back in her mouth. A toddler stands up, notices his feet feel funny and then switches his shoes to be on the correct feet. An 8 year old runs upstairs to grab a jacket because the weather is colder than she thought. A 12 year old realizes he has been unkind to a peer and makes up for it by inviting him to join his friends at lunch. While doing homework, a 15 year old studies for his math test first because he felt terrible after getting a C on his last test. An 18 year old decides to not ride in a car with her friend because she is driving without a license.

Children are faced with decisions and learning opportunities every day during every stage of life. One of the best things we can do is to nurture these opportunities and encourage them to solve problems on their own. As parents, we routinely rise to our responsibilities as provider and protector of our children. It often takes a conscious effort for a parent to step back from their provider instinct and allow the child to find a solution to a problem at hand. For example, it is much easier and faster to help a child turn the sleeves of their jacket right side out then to patiently watch them struggle to figure it out on their own. Another example may be when a parent asks a high school teacher to include him in class emails regarding assignments so he can monitor his 16 year old’s progress. Although the intentions are to protect and help our children, when we solve the problem for them, we deny them the opportunity to figure it out themselves.

Here are 8 steps to help your child learn problem solving skills:

1) Encourage Creativity Allow children and adolescents to think outside of the box and try new ideas. Encourage young children to play creatively with objects they find or plain wooden blocks, while encouraging older children to explore new ideas with their imagination.

2) Have Patience Recognize those moments when you can spend a few extra minutes allowing a child to solve a problem on their own rather than quickly solving it for them.

3) Play Problem Solving Games Games are for all ages and not just for young children: from hide-and-go-seek to capture the flag.

4) Model Think out loud and let your children listen to you solve a problem. Demonstrate how you are working to find a solution.

5) Allow Them to Fail As tough as it is, allowing your child to fail provides an amazing learning opportunity. It also provides the message that it’s ok to make mistakes.

6) Ask for Their Help Ask your children for help making decisions or solving a problem. It’s remarkable to hear the possibilities they can come up with.

7) Propose Multiple Possibilities Offering a variety of possible answers to solve a problem can help to get the ball rolling. It encourages a child to consider multiple options and to project possible outcomes.

8) Praise Their Efforts vs. the Result As humans, we do not magically solve every problem the right way, nor is there one solution to a problem. Praise a child for their efforts & when there is success you can highlight the result!

“I can see how hard you are working to figure this out!”

“You really put a lot of effort into this!”

“I bet you are glad you didn’t give up. You’re determination helped you solve the problem!”

“I knew you could figure it out!”

“I can imagine how good you must feel about completing this.”

Learning to solve problems is an essential life skill. Strengthening these skills not only allows children to gain independence and self-confidence, it also primes them for success in academic learning, leadership, social relationships, athletics, finances, health, leisure skills and all other areas of life.

Articles related to this topic

The 3 (not-so-easy) steps for increasing motivation in your child, setting healthy family boundaries, the decision to be child-free, achieving “parenting flow”, search for a psychologist.

Search our database of licensed psychologists verified by the National Register to meet higher care standards.

Or Try a Guided Search

Go through a step-by-step search experience to access our database and explore your options.

10 Ways to Strengthen Your Preschooler’s Problem-Solving Skills

As an adult, you make many decisions throughout your day without even thinking twice about some– from setting up the coffee machine at home to avoiding the long line at the drive-thru that can make you late to work to having a difficult but necessary conversation with your partner about finances. These are just a few examples of problem-solving skills and how you adapt to the situations around you and use your skills to exist on personal, professional, and social levels. 

While some problem-solving skills are innate, your ability to access a situation and take a course of action is based on the fact that when you were a child, the adults around you taught you problem-solving skills. Our Raleigh early-childhood development center is sharing our best advice for anyone looking to strengthen their pre-schoolers problem-solving skills. 

What is Problem Solving in Early Childhood?

Problem-solving refers to the ability to find a solution to a problem. For preschool-aged children, this can be difficult to learn if not modeled for them through the appropriate ways to react to the issues they face. 

For instance, if two children are playing with a toy and one pushes the other in an effort to take the toy, this is clearly an inappropriate way to react to the problem. Furthermore, screaming or yelling for the child to give them the toy is also not a proper way to solve the issue. To model mature and proper problem-solving skills, adults around the child should be practicing the concept of sharing, patience, and communication while avoiding physical and emotional reactions when they don’t get what they want.

When the child learns that they can ask the other child, “Can I play with the toy next?” or understand the concept that another child was playing with the toy first, they are exhibiting the ability to problem solve. 

Why is it Important to Develop Problem Solving Skills in Early Childhood?

Children aged 3 to 5 are developmentally experiencing growth in the following areas: 

• Cognitive 
• Emotional 
• Language 
• Sensory 
• Motor 

Because this time for preschoolers is so substantial to their intellectual, emotional, and social development, the world around them can seem overwhelming, unfair, intimidating, and even confusing. By modeling and teaching problem-solving skills to preschoolers , they can learn how to react logically, think creatively, communicate their needs, and assess how best to react to a situation at hand. 

How Can You Teach Problem Solving Skills to Your Children?

It is the responsibility of the adults who raise and teach children to provide kids with opportunities to strengthen their problem-solving skills in early childhood. If you are a parent, guardian, childcare provider, or early-childhood educator, it’s important to consider the best strategies for helping little ones adapt to the world around them and learn problem-solving skills. And remember, it can be frustrating when things do not work out as expected for anyone at any age, particularly for preschool-aged children who are just learning to adapt to their surroundings. 

When teaching your preschool-aged child how to problem solve, consider these four steps that are used in early-childhood classrooms : 

• Identify the problem
• Brainstorm solutions to the problem
• Choose and implement one of the solutions
• Evaluate how that solution resolved the problem

Following this four-step guideline can help the adults in a preschooler’s life address how a child acquires problem-solving techniques to help them navigate through the difficult and everyday situations that arise. 

When teaching problem-solving, focus on developing these key skills that relate to problem-solving: 

• Lateral thinking
• Decision-making
• Communication
• Persistence
• Negotiation
• Logical thinking
• Analytical thinking

10 Problem-Solving Activities for Preschoolers

You know that you want to guide your child through developing and strengthening strategies for problem-solving, but where do you begin? Our early-childhood development school is sharing some of our favorite ways to incorporate problem-solving activities into your life so that you can teach your child to grow on a personal and social level. 

#1 – Use Everyday Moments

You do not need a textbook or outline of how to teach your preschooler problem-solving. Simply using everyday moments to demonstrate problem-solving techniques is more useful than any “how to” book or homework assignment can teach your child. 

Going to the grocery store, driving in the car, making dinner at home, and cleaning the house are all everyday opportunities to present your child with decisions related to problem-solving. Having your child put ingredients away in the pantry while you cook, asking your child what aisle at the supermarket they think you can find a particular item, or seeing that there is a mess of toys and supplies and directing the child to initiate where they should be placed prior to starting a new activity are ways to integrate problem-solving into everyday moments. 

#2 – Look to the Child for the Solution

As your child grows up, they will not always have you by their side to solve each and every problem that arises. From issues with friends, future relationships, and future careers, the child you raise will one day become an independent adult who needs to problem-solve on their own. 

Asking children to weigh in for solutions to problems as they arise is one way to get them thinking critically early on in life. When a child is taught to not only assess an obstacle but to trust their own decision-making abilities to resolve a problem, they will be better equipped for success as they get older. 

#3 – Solve Mathematical Problems

Mathematics is a great way to engage children at an early age in problem-solving and solution-making activities. Math is logical and non-emotional, having very clear set rules and boundaries with a single solution is one prime example of problem-solving. When children are given age-appropriate mathematical problems and math word problems, they are given opportunities to troubleshoot and follow an order of operation that leads to a solution.

#4 – Ask Open-Ended Questions

As adults, we often find that the most convenient way to get through the day when caring for a preschooler is to complete tasks for them so that we can get on with our busy day. However, it’s important to pause and present your child with the opportunity to find their own solutions to problems they are faced with by using open-ended questions. 

For instance, your child cannot find their favorite pair of shoes. Rather than tear the house apart on your own looking for them, present the child with a question: “Where did you last wear those shoes?” or “When did you last see your shoes?” This requires your child to consider where they last may have placed them. Additionally, a question like, “If we can’t find those shoes right now, you’ll need to choose a different pair to wear so we aren’t late.” guides them toward finding an alternative solution to the problem. 

Giving children the opportunity to find their own solutions to issues that arise by asking open-ended questions equips them with problem-solving skills they will need throughout life when things do not always go as planned. 

#5 – Puzzles and Board Games

Puzzles and board games, much like math equations, allow children to use their cognitive problem-solving abilities to complete tasks in a fun and unique way. Pre-schoolers are often drawn to images and visual learning components as well as interactive play. Putting puzzles together allows for pattern recognition, while board games allow for interactive problem-solving techniques to be utilized through a set of rules. Incorporating puzzles and games into the lives of children are excellent ways to get them to think critically and find solutions that offer immediate results. 

#6 – Read Books and Tell Stories

Books and storytelling are always exceptional ways to build vocabulary and introduce kids to characters and situations outside of their own. When children are given the opportunity to relate to characters and situations, and then address how those characters can react and engage in their conflicts and interpersonal relationships, it not only fosters imagination and creativity but also problem-solving skills. 

#7 – Center Emotions

As adults we understand that while reacting emotionally to a situation is sometimes natural, it does not get us very far when it comes to solving a problem. Children should be taught how to center those emotions, without shame or guilt by providing an alternative to emotional responses. This is often in the form of learning communication and language. 

If your son’s best friend hurt his feelings, he should not be made to feel that he shouldn’t feel how he is feeling. Having your feelings hurt, particularly by a friend, is, well, hurtful, and there should be no shame attached to that feeling. However, when it comes to addressing those hurt feelings to the friend, it would be inappropriate to shout, “I hate you!” or “I don’t want to be your friend anymore!” Rather, providing your preschool-aged child with words and phrases for when their feelings are hurt is essential to emotional and social development. 

Teaching your son to tell his friend, “It hurts my feelings when you say that” or “I get sad when you are mean to me” are great ways to help children not only process their emotional feelings but express them in appropriate ways that lead to a resolution. 

#8 – Model Problem-Solving Behaviors

Children look to the adults in their lives for how to handle the problems they face in the world. If your child sees you politely ask a waiter to return a plate of food that was incorrectly served, they will learn that proper communication, respect, and patience lead to resolution. In contrast, if a child sees their parents speak rudely and blame a waiter for an incorrect order, they will learn that emotional reactions are the way to address problems. As a parent and caretaker, it is your responsibility to use mistakes, obstacles, and hardships as learning opportunities passed on to your preschool-aged children, demonstrating first-hand that non-emotional responses, kindness, and communication are the keys to getting most issues resolved. 

#9 – Break Down Problems into Chunks

As an adult, one of the ways to get through major projects at work is to set up a schedule that breaks down a large-scale project into smaller portions. Using this technique in childhood education and development is a successful way to teach children how doing one small task can lead to an overall greater, larger picture in the long run. Since a large task can seem overwhelming or even impossible, breaking it down into smaller, easily achievable pieces that will eventually lead to the full, complete picture is a wonderful way to help children of any age, but particularly preschool-aged, tackle large issues without feeling the weight of the big picture.

#10 – Utilize Natural Curiosities and Interests 

Using natural, organic opportunities for learning and problem-solving is always one of the best ways to foster creativity as well as logical and analytical thinking. All children are naturally drawn to some interest– whether it’s unicorns, dinosaurs, airplanes, trucks, or the color blue… every child has something that they become naturally drawn to, often to the surprise of their parents. 

For example, maybe every time your daughter sees the mailman drop off the mail, she is fascinated. Maybe her face lit up with interest and excitement to check what was left in the mailbox today. This is an opportunity to ask questions that lead to analytical thinking and problem-solving. Inquiring, “what does the mail carrier drop off at other houses?” or teaching the concept of writing a letter to grandma and how it goes through the mail can continue to foster interests while teaching logical steps, planning, and problem-solving techniques. 

Enroll Your Child in an Interactive Preschool Care System 

It’s no secret that when a child is at preschool age they are naturally curious and soak up all the information around them. By teaching your child problem-solving skills, they are better equipped to handle the everyday struggles the world has to face. However, the professionals at our preschool development center understand that busy working schedules, multiple children, and life’s responsibilities do not always make it easy for parents to dedicate time to fostering and strengthening problem-solving skills in their children. 

If you have a preschool-aged child who will benefit from emotional, social, and personal development related to problem-solving, contact Primary Beginnings to enroll your child in our 5-star preschool program in Raleigh. 

Contact us today at 919-790-6888 for our Spring Forest Rd. location or 919-785-0303 for our North Hills Dr. location, or fill out our contact form below. 

• Our Philosophy: Foster a Healthy Learning Environment
• 5 Star Rated
• Testimonials
• Frequently Asked Questions
• Submit Your Resume
• RPG People Solutions Access
• Infant Care
• Toddler Care
• Pre-Kindergarten
• After School Care
• Learning Opportunities
• Special Events
• Extracurricular Activities
• Summer Camp Activities
• Spring Forest Road
• North Hills Drive
• Falls of Neuse Road
• Procare Connect
• Photo Gallery
• Preschool Calendar

We use cookies on our website to support technical features that enhance your user experience, and to help us improve our website. By continuing to use this website, you accept our privacy policy .

• Student Login
• No-Cost Professional Certificates
• Call Us: 888-549-6755
• 888-559-6763
• Search site Search our site Search Now Close
• Request Info

Skip to Content (Press Enter)

Problem Solving for Preschoolers: 9 Ways to Strengthen Their Skills

By Carrie Mesrobian on 12/20/2021

As an adult, you likely run into dozens of small issues every day that require problem-solving skills. While you might not give much thought to the process of figuring out the best way to put groceries away or how to run errands without backtracking all over town anymore, these basic problem-solving abilities weren’t always so simple. You refined these skills as a child with practice and guidance from adults.

Building problem-solving skills in preschool-age children is a foundational duty of all parents and early childhood educators. But it can be easy to lose sight of how to incorporate these skills, especially when family life gets hectic or classrooms become busy.

For some fresh perspective on how to look at problem solving from a preschooler lens, we asked several experts in the early childhood education (ECE) field how they teach skills in their own classrooms. Read on for some insight on helping the young ones in your life figure out creative and workable solutions.

9 Tried-and-true ways to develop problem-solving skills in preschoolers

1. use everyday moments.

The handy thing about teaching problem-solving skills at this age is that there are no textbooks, worksheets or special equipment involved. Every day, normal situations provide all the materials you’ll need to practice.

“Parents can help their children develop problem-solving skills through ongoing interactions with their children throughout their day,” explains Paula Polito, owner of Beary Cherry Tree Child Development Center. “At home, in the grocery store and in everyday routines, such as mealtime or bath time.”

Rebecah Freeling, parent coach and child behavior expert at Wits’ End Parenting ®, believes household chores are an excellent way to teach problem solving.

“Housework is a matter of solving one problem after another. All these things go wrong when you’re doing housework,” Freeling explains. “Kids get this idea that problems are no big deal. Problems happen all the time and we just solve them.”

That doesn’t necessarily mean making a chore chart, though Freeling says some kids respond well to them. Instead, she encourages parents to try to integrate kids into the everyday maintenance of the home, and when possible, work alongside them.

“Say, ‘What would you like to be in charge of today?’” Freeling advises. “It’s the difference between getting to do something versus having to do it.”

While a grocery store trip can sometimes be a stressful rush, there are infinite opportunities to practice problem solving, says Dr. Elizabeth DeWitt, senior curriculum and implementation specialist at Learning Without Tears . DeWitt suggests using a list or a recipe of ingredients and asking your child to help you find certain items.

“Say, ‘I have this recipe that says we need chicken, rice and soup. I see chicken and soup in our cart. What are we missing? What could we or should we add?’” DeWitt says.

Taking the time to simply talk children through the thought process—no matter how simple it seems—helps reinforce and show them how you came to that conclusion.

2. Ask open-ended questions

As in the grocery store situation, just asking questions is a powerful way to foster both problem solving and creativity in young children.

“When your child comes across a difficult task, like zipping their coat, it can often be faster and easier to stop what you're doing and zip it for them,” says Becky Loftfield, an ECE teacher at Community of Saints Preschool .

If a child says, “I can't do this,” Loftfield advises asking “how come?” This lets them answer in their own words. “Asking ‘how come’ usually works better than ‘why’ for young children,” Loftfield adds.

Pausing to listen to the child’s explanation of the problem in their own words guides what happens next.

“Perhaps they don't know how zippers line up at the bottom for the mechanism to slide,” says Loftfield. “Maybe the zipper itself is too small for them to grip. Encourage your child to explore what the problem actually is beyond ‘I can't zip my coat.’”

Polito also believes in the power of conversational questions to build problem-solving skills.

“For example, parents can ask a child to explain why they did something a certain way,” Polito explains. “Providing hints to children as opposed to giving them the answer is also another way for children to think deeper about a concept.”

“We promote more learning when we allow them to think through the question,” Polito says.

3. Center emotions

All problem solving involves emotions. In the zipping-up-the-coat situation, a child might act frustrated, get angry or start crying. Handling the emotion is often the key to the child sorting out the situation, as well as learning that they are capable of finding solutions.

“We are not born knowing how to solve problems or having the vocabulary to express our feelings,” says Torri Parker, a pre-K instructor at Aspen Academy . “Often I hear a student telling another child ‘You’re not my friend,’ when what the child is meaning is that they are hurt by something their friend did, or they would like some space.”

Parker suggests picture books that focus on emotions and offer multiple ways to express them can be a powerful way to help kids not only problem solve but also identify emotions in their peers and develop greater empathy.

“By providing the words needed to convey those feelings, a child learns what that feeling feels like and can then have the vocabulary in the future to solve a conflict like that,” Parker says.

4. Read books and tell stories

Sometimes, not having to tackle a problem that’s happening in the moment is a good way to practice these skills. This is where reading books and telling stories come into play.

“Books have the opportunity to build incredible social-emotional skills,” DeWitt says. Not only are kids looking for solutions to the characters’ problems, they’re also building vocabulary, narrative skills and critical thinking as well.

Nicole Evert, a pre-K teacher and ECE trainer at Creating Butterflies, recommends the use of “ social stories ” for preschool problem solving.

“A social story introduces a problem, then shows successful ways to solve the problem,” Evert explains. “Sometimes a social story will include silly pages that show how to not solve the problem.”

Social stories can be especially helpful for children with anxiety about certain activities or routines, as well as kids with disabilities.

“Parents and educators can even make their own social stories using pictures of the specific child and their environment, which can be so powerful,” adds Evert.

5. Take advantage of natural curiosities and interests

One approach to helping young children practice problem-solving skills is in the discovery of something they are authentically interested in learning about. Adam Cole, music director at The Willow School , explains his school’s Reggio Emilia -inspired philosophy where a teacher gives students “provocations.”

“Provocations are opportunities for them to encounter something for which they may then express further interest,” Cole explains. “For instance, a teacher may set up a drawing provocation, and the children may draw buildings. The teacher may pick up on this and talk with the children about buildings, asking how they are built and where they can find more. This may lead to research or trips to see buildings and will continue on until the thread plays itself out.”

Because the focus is centered on topics or activities that already capture the child’s interest, the problem-solving aspect is more meaningful and compelling for many children. Because the teacher works alongside the child to problem solve, it offers space for the teacher to ask questions and encourage further creativity.

“This is an organic way to learn to solve problems, bolstered by the intrinsic desire of the child to learn more,” Cole adds.

6. Model problem solving

Preschoolers are always observing our behavior as parents and teachers.

“Given that 90% of brain development occurs between birth and four years of age, we have an opportunity during these preschool years to set our children up for success,” says Polito.

It may seem obvious, but our strategies and methods provide kids with in-the-moment examples of how to handle life with things go wrong.

“From a teaching perspective, you can think, ‘I’m teaching this child how to be who they are, how to live life,’” says Freeling. “A spill derails you a bit. So, stop and ask the child, ‘How should I clean this up?’”

Loftfield agrees. “Parents and educators can act as guides for a child’s experience, demonstrating how they problem solve and modeling what they want to see.”

This doesn’t mean that the adult must do everything perfectly or without emotions, however. Managing feelings is all part of learning to problem solve. “Allow time for mistakes, time for meltdowns and time for celebration,” Loftfield advises.

7. Look to the child for the solution

This last one might seem counter to number six above, but Freeling believes that parents and teachers can help children learn to problem solve by removing themselves from the process.

“Moving past your instincts to fix or smooth over problems helps a lot,” Freeling says. “Project the kid’s age in your mind. Think of a 25-year-old graduating from college. I want them to be able to ask for a higher salary, to vocalize what they want. You’re not just getting kids to be obedient—you’re teaching them how to negotiate the world.”

This is why Freeling advises adults to try coming into a problem-solving situation with children without a ready-made solution. She offers an example: there’s only one red truck, and two children both want to play with it.

“You’re really looking to the child and trusting their thinking and intelligence for solutions you hadn’t thought of,” Freeling says. She recommends repeating questions until the kids come to a decision and as long as no one’s at risk of injury, standing by the children’s solution.

“They might say, ‘We have to paint all the trucks red, since everyone wants a red truck,’” Freeling says. This might seem odd to an adult. But the point is to make the children a vital part of the creative process instead of just getting them to comply with the adult’s idea.

Developing empathy also factors into this scenario, especially in situations where problems stem from hurt feelings or other emotional conflicts. Freeling believes that finding ways to make restitution to others they’ve hurt is a better practice than forcing kids to apologize. She suggests having a child draw a picture of something the upset child likes as a way to make amends and help them recognize the other’s individuality.

“We don’t want kids to feel guilt for hurting someone; we want them to feel compassion,” Freeling says. “And solving problems in a relationship requires empathy.”

Is an early childhood education career right for you?

Enjoying the process of seeing life through a little one’s eyes? Early childhood education is an exciting, dynamic field full of creativity and potential to positively impact the lives of children and their families. If helping kids learn and grow sounds like something you’d be good at, check out our article “9 Signs You Should Be Teaching Preschool.”

Related Articles: 

Working with Defiant Preschoolers: What Educators Should Know

Wits’ End Parenting is a registered trademark of Wits’ End Parenting, Inc. This program does not prepare students for licensed teaching positions in elementary or secondary schools . A Bachelor’s degree and a state teaching license are typically required to work as a teacher in most school settings; however, states, municipalities, districts or individual schools may have more stringent licensing requirements. Childcare facilities and states establish qualifications for staff who work with children, and often implement guidelines regarding age, education, experience and professional development. Students must determine the licensure requirements for the state and facilities in which they intend to work.

• Share on Facebook
• Share on Twitter
• Share on Pinterest
• Share on LinkedIn

Request More Information

Talk with an admissions advisor today. Fill out the form to receive information about:

• Program Details and Applying for Classes
• Financial Aid and FAFSA (for those who qualify)
• Customized Support Services
• Detailed Program Plan

There are some errors in the form. Please correct the errors and submit again.

Please enter your first name.

Please enter your last name.

There is an error in email. Make sure your answer has:

• An "@" symbol
• A suffix such as ".com", ".edu", etc.

There is an error in phone number. Make sure your answer has:

• 10 digits with no dashes or spaces
• No country code (e.g. "1" for USA)

There is an error in ZIP code. Make sure your answer has only 5 digits.

Please choose a School of study.

Please choose a program.

Please choose a degree.

The program you have selected is not available in your ZIP code. Please select another program or contact an Admissions Advisor (877.530.9600) for help.

The program you have selected requires a nursing license. Please select another program or contact an Admissions Advisor (877.530.9600) for help.

Rasmussen University is not enrolling students in your state at this time.

By selecting "Submit," I authorize Rasmussen University to contact me by email, phone or text message at the number provided. There is no obligation to enroll. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

About the author

Carrie Mesrobian

Carrie is a freelance copywriter at Collegis Education. She researches and writes articles, on behalf of Rasmussen University, to help empower students to achieve their career dreams through higher education.

Posted in Early Childhood Education

• child development
• ECE activities
• early childhood education

Related Content

Noelle Hartt | 02.08.2024

Hope Rothenberg | 01.04.2024

Brianna Flavin | 12.14.2023

Noelle Hartt | 12.07.2023

This piece of ad content was created by Rasmussen University to support its educational programs. Rasmussen University may not prepare students for all positions featured within this content. Please visit www.rasmussen.edu/degrees for a list of programs offered. External links provided on rasmussen.edu are for reference only. Rasmussen University does not guarantee, approve, control, or specifically endorse the information or products available on websites linked to, and is not endorsed by website owners, authors and/or organizations referenced. Rasmussen University is accredited by the Higher Learning Commission, an institutional accreditation agency recognized by the U.S. Department of Education.

How Do I Teach My Child to Be a Problem Solver?

Problem-solving by definition is “the process of finding solutions to difficult or complex issues.” Henry Kaiser states, “Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.”

How do we turn problems into opportunities so our children become problem solvers? Children learn best through modeled behavior, which is then practiced through play and everyday tasks. Consider puzzles; when children are young we give them puzzles that are simple. They match the shape with the matching cut out. Then as they get older and their fine motor skills develop, you give them puzzles with 12-24 pieces and are interlocking. They use their skills to learn to put these shapes together to create a picture. As your child learns to solve those puzzles they will be able to complete puzzles with smaller pieces and an increased piece count.

7 ways to teach your child to problem solve

• Give your child space. Allow them to make mistakes and encourage them to try again. Resist the urge to fix or do it for them.
• Make sure their play includes imagination; building forts, building with blocks, obstacle courses. These activities will naturally require problem solving.
• Making decisions is key to problem solving. Start with a simple choice for younger children. For example: “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?”
• Use stories to inspire, as well as model, problem solving skills
• Step by step do-it-yourself projects are a great place to model problem solving skills. Ask your child questions along the way.
• Identify problems, work with your child to break the problems down into manageable parts, make a list of the tasks needed to resolve the problem. Practice brainstorming and sharing ideas. Ask your child what they think about the problem and encourage them to find a solution on their own.
• Let them discover how things work, ask questions like, “How would you make this better?” Encourage curiosity – “Why do you think it happens this way?”
• Researching Skills
• Data Collections
• Data Analytics
• Team Working
• Emotional Intelligence
• Risk Management
• Decision Making
• Presentation Skills

We can develop great problem-solving experts by having them learn and practice problem solving from kindergarten to high school graduation. We need to teach hands-on statistically based problem solving with innovative solutions that solve technical and non-technical problems. Michael Arnold TEDxGreenville

Where can I find activities that teach Problem Solving?

Rachel & the TreeSchoolers Signs and Science Learning System  incorporates the best elements of Schoolhouse Rock, Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street to deliver a well-rounded preschool science curriculum for ages 2-6. This Science Learning System:

• lets your child go to preschool with Rachel from Signing Time!
• actively engages children in learning
• teaches values like kindness, teamwork and sharing

The Rachel & the TreeSchoolers Science in Action Series give you fun science experiments that require problem solving skills. These activities are great for Preschool & Elementary students.

Sign-up for Science in Action emails

How to Teach Kids Better Problem Solving | Michael Arnold | TEDxGreenville Problem Solving in Early Childhood Classrooms. by Joan Britz ERIC Digest. What Is Problem Solving?  by Mind Tools Content Team 10 ways to teach your children to be problem solvers All Pro DAD Five ways to foster a hunger for innovation in children by entrepreneur.com Abode Stock Photos  135600578, 189083202, 116737944

Start typing and press enter to search

• Skip to content
• Skip to navigation

Why problem-solving skills are important

Everybody needs to solve problems every day. But we’re not born with the skills we need to do this – we have to develop them.

When you’re solving problems, it’s good to be able to:

• listen and think calmly
• consider options and respect other people’s opinions and needs
• negotiate and work towards compromises.

These are  skills for life – they’re highly valued in both social and work situations.

When teenagers learn skills and strategies for problem-solving and sorting out conflicts by themselves, they feel good about themselves. They’re better placed to make good decisions on their own.

Problem-solving: 6 steps

Often you can solve problems by talking and negotiating.

The following 6 steps for problem-solving are useful when you can’t find a solution. You can use them to work on most problems, including difficult choices or decisions and conflicts between people.

If you practise these steps with your child at home, your child is more likely to use them with their own problems or conflicts with others.

You might like to download and use our problem-solving worksheet (PDF: 121kb). It’s a handy tool to use as you and your child work together through the 6 steps below.

1. Identify the problem

The first step in problem-solving is working out exactly what the problem is. This can help everyone understand the problem in the same way . It’s best to get everyone who’s affected by the problem together and then put the problem into words that make it solvable.

For example:

• ‘You’ve been invited to two birthday parties on the same day and you want to go to both.’
• ‘You have two big assignments due next Wednesday.’
• ‘We have different ideas about how you’ll get home from the party on Saturday.’
• ‘You and your sister have been arguing about using the Xbox.’

When you’re working on a problem with your child, it’s good to do it when everyone is calm and can think clearly. This way, your child will be more likely to want to find a solution. Arrange a time when you won’t be interrupted, and thank your child for joining in to solve the problem.

2. Think about why it’s a problem

Help your child or children describe what’s causing the problem and where it’s coming from . It might help to consider answers to questions like these:

• Why is this so important to you?
• Why do you need this?
• What do you think might happen?
• What’s upsetting you?
• What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Try to listen without arguing or debating. This is your chance to really hear what’s going on with your child. Encourage your child to use statements like ‘I need … I want … I feel …’, and try using these phrases yourself. Try to encourage your child to focus on the issue and keep blame out of this step.

Some conflict is natural and healthy, but too much isn’t a good thing. If you find you’re clashing with your child a lot, you can use conflict management strategies . This can make future conflict less likely, and it’s good for your family relationships too.

3. Brainstorm possible solutions to the problem

Make a list of all the possible ways you and your child could solve the problem. You’re looking for a range of possibilities , both sensible and not so sensible. Try to avoid judging or debating these yet.

If your child has trouble coming up with solutions, start them off with some suggestions of your own. You could set the tone by making a crazy suggestion first – funny or extreme solutions can end up sparking more helpful options. Try to come up with  at least 5 possible solutions  together.

For example, if your children are arguing about using the Xbox, here are some possible solutions:

• ‘We buy another Xbox so you don’t have to share.’
• ‘The two of you agree on when you can each use the Xbox.’
• ‘You each have set days for using the Xbox.’
• ‘You each get to use the Xbox for 30 minutes a day.’
• ‘You put away the Xbox until next year.’

Write down all your possible solutions.

4. Evaluate the solutions to the problem

Look at the pros and cons of all the suggested solutions in turn. This way, everyone will feel that their suggestions have been considered.

It might help to cross off solutions that you all agree aren’t acceptable. For example, you might all agree that leaving your children to agree on sharing the Xbox isn’t an option because they’ve already tried that and it hasn’t worked.

When you have a list of pros and cons for the remaining solutions, cross off the ones that have more negatives than positives. Now rate each solution from 0 (not good) to 10 (very good). This will help you sort out the most promising solutions.

The solution you and your child choose should be one that your child can put into practice and that could solve the problem.

If you haven’t been able to find one that looks promising, go back to step 3 and look for some different solutions. It might help to talk to other people, like other family members, to get a fresh range of ideas.

Sometimes you might not be able to find a solution that makes everyone happy. But by negotiating and compromising, you should be able to find a solution that everyone can live with.

5. Put the solution into action

Once you’ve agreed on a solution, plan exactly how it will work. It can help to do this in writing, and to include the following points:

• Who will do what?
• When will they do it?
• What’s needed to put the solution into action?

In the Xbox example, the agreed solution is ‘You each get to use the Xbox for 30 minutes a day’. Here’s how you could plan how the solution will work:

• Who will do what? Your children will have turns at different times of the day.
• When will they do it? One child will have the first turn after they finish their homework. The other child will have their turn after dinner, when their friends are playing.
• What’s needed? You need a timer, so each child knows when to stop.

You could also talk about when you’ll meet again to look at how the solution is working.

By putting time and energy into developing your child’s problem-solving skills, you send the message that you value your child’s input into important decisions and you think they’re capable of managing their own problems. This is good for your relationship with your child.

6. Evaluate the outcome of your problem-solving process

Once your child or children have put the plan into action, you need to check how it went and help them go through the process again if they need to.

Remember that your child will need to give the solution time to work and that not all solutions will work.  Sometimes they’ll need to try more than one solution. Part of effective problem-solving is being able to adapt when things don’t go as well as expected.

Ask your child the following questions:

• What has worked well?
• What hasn’t worked so well?
• What could you or we do differently to make the solution work more smoothly?

If the solution hasn’t worked, go back to step 1 of this problem-solving process and start again. Perhaps the problem wasn’t what you thought it was, or the solutions weren’t quite right.

Try to use these skills and steps when you have your own problems to solve or decisions to make. If your child sees you actively dealing with problems using this approach, they might be more likely to try it themselves.

• Skip to primary navigation
• Skip to main content
• Skip to primary sidebar

Early Years Careers

How to promote problem solving in the early years

5th November 2015 by Kelly Leave a Comment

Ways to incorporate problem solving in the Early Years

Developing problem solving skills is an area of development early years ’ practitioners are familiar with, and the importance of developing these problem solving skills is well known, but what exactly are problem solving skills? And how do we encourage children to develop these?

Within the Early Years Foundation Stage, problem solving comes under the category Mathematical Development, however this does not limit problem solving to just mathematical circumstances! There are opportunities for children in early years to explore problem solving every day, within all aspects of their development. Children are natural problem solvers from birth, all the way from learning to communicate problems through crying, through learning to talk and learning to walk. They develop a natural problem solving process through trial and error, for example, an infant will fall down many times before taking their first steps, but it’s the process of getting back up and trying again which helps them to achieve their goal.

Although problem solving can occur naturally, practitioners should still encourage children to recognise the process of problem solving and become familiar with it.

Shape sorters are a great activity for younger children to explore problem solving through trial and error. The children can get a feel of the shapes and see the holes, but will not yet have the knowledge of shapes to place the correct shape in the correct hole, they will attempt to fit shapes into holes, and when they realise it will not fit, they move onto the next hole. As the children get older, they can apply their knowledge and learning to this activity, understanding that the square shape will fit with the square hole, thus overcoming a problem. Jigsaws are another effective way of children developing problem solving skills in the early years. With younger children larger puzzle pieces can be used made out of tactile materials and they can attempt to solve the jigsaw through trial and error again. Slightly older children can expand onto smaller puzzle pieces, once they have mastered more simple jigsaws. Practitioners should take note of the different strategies children use in order to fit different puzzle pieces together and offer directional help such as matching the colours of pieces together should a child become frustrated.

Early Years practitioners can help children apply problem solving skills to real life situations as well as various activities. For example, practitioners can encourage children to help set up at meal times, but pose them with a problem of not having enough cutlery for each child. Children could be able to recognise this problem, or be guided by the practitioners to realise that not enough cutlery could pose a problem. Practitioners can then encourage and support the children to think of a solution to this problem. Allow children to use their imagination to solve problems, the sky is the limit! If they suggest sharing cutlery or even crafting their own cutlery out of different items, then this is all part of the problem solving process! They are recognising a problem and attempting a solution.

Overall, there are many activities and real life scenarios practitioners can implement in order to help children explore problem solving skills and guide them to create a solution. Using numbers and mathematics are not the only methods of developing problem solving skills as seen from above, but they can be an effective way to develop learning numeracy skills which can help in later life.

Related Posts:

Reader Interactions

Leave a reply cancel reply.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Internet Explorer is no longer supported

Please upgrade to Microsoft Edge , Google Chrome , or Firefox .

Lo sentimos, la página que usted busca no se ha podido encontrar. Puede intentar su búsqueda de nuevo o visitar la lista de temas populares.

Get this as a PDF

Enter email to download and get news and resources in your inbox.

Share this on social

Complete guide to managing behavior problems, what's in this guide.

When children struggle with their behavior, it can have a negative impact on everyone in the family. Parents know they need to respond, but they often aren’t sure what’s the best strategy, especially if a child is frequently acting out and nothing seems to work. This guide offers parents a comprehensive look at problem behavior. It covers a variety of topics, including what may be triggering problem behavior, how to improve the parent-child relationship when it becomes strained, what to do if kids are struggling with behavior in school and how to get professional help if you need it.

Why Do Some Kids Struggle With Problem Behavior?

When children have frequent emotional outbursts, it can be a sign that they haven’t yet developed the skills they need to cope with feelings like frustration, anxiety and anger. Handling big emotions in a healthy, mature way requires a variety of skills, including:

• Impulse control
• Emotional self-regulation
• Problem solving
• Delaying gratification
• Negotiating
• Communicating wishes and needs to adults
• Knowing what’s appropriate or expected in a given situation

Other children may seem to struggle more with boundaries and following rules. They may be defiant, or ignore instructions or try to talk their way out of things that aren’t optional. You may notice patterns of behavior that seem to crop up at certain times of the day (like bedtime) during certain tasks (like during homework) or with certain people. You also might notice that your child acts out particularly when she is at home but not when she is at school, or vice versa.

Tantrums and other kinds of acting out are often a normal and even healthy part of childhood. They are a sign that a child is becoming more independent — indications that a child is testing boundaries, developing skills and opinions, and exploring the world around them.

But when a child is acting out a lot, it can strain the parent-child relationship, creating regular frustration and resentment that isn’t healthy in the family. Whether your child is in the early stages of learning about self-regulation and boundaries, or if your family has been struggling and you are looking for help, this guide is designed to explain more about how kids learn to manage their behavior, what parents can do to aid in the process and how to get more support if you need it .

Tantrums can be a learned behavior

Sometimes parents feel that tantrums and other instances of problem behavior are intentional or manipulative. However, clinicians who specialize in children’s behavior agree that tantrums are generally not a voluntary behavior on a child’s part — but they may be what is known as a “learned behavior.” That means that kids learn that having a tantrum gets them the result that they want.

In other words, while a child who struggles to control her emotions might not be consciously calculating her tantrums, she might resort to them because she hasn’t learned a better way to solve problems or communicate her needs. Well-meaning parents often respond to tantrums by trying to fix whatever caused the problem — by comforting the child or giving her whatever she is asking for. Unfortunately, this reinforces the tantrum behavior, making kids more likely to continue having tantrums and less likely to develop more sophisticated ways to manage their feelings.

Responding to Problem Behavior

When kids are acting out parents often feel powerless. You may have tried different techniques for discipline, but without much success. In fact, trying too many different strategies for managing disruptive behavior can sometimes be part of the problem, since kids respond better to firm boundaries that are consistently reinforced. But if you haven’t seen progress before now, don’t feel discouraged, because parents have more power than they may realize when kids are being oppositional. By using strategies that are informed by child psychologists who specialize in behavior management, you can begin to improve kids’ behavior and even improve the parent-child relationship.

This section begins with some general rules of thumb recommended by behavior experts as effective strategies for responding to problem behavior in the moment. Next it examines problem behavior in greater depth, which can be helpful for parents who want to understand more about why kids act out, and how to tackle specific behaviors you would like to change.

Tips for responding in the moment:

• Don’t give in.  Resist the temptation to end your child’s tantrum by giving her what she wants when she explodes. Giving in teaches her that tantrums work.
• Remain calm. Harsh or emotional responses tend to escalate a child’s aggression, be it verbal or physical. By staying calm, you’re also modeling for your child the type of behavior you want to see in him.
• Ignore negative behavior and praise positive behavior.  Ignore minor misbehavior, since even negative attention like reprimanding or telling the child to stop can reinforce her actions. Instead, provide lots of labeled praise on behaviors you want to encourage. (Don’t just say “good job,” say “good job calming down.”)
• Use consistent consequences.  Your child needs to know what the consequences are for negative behaviors, such as time outs, as well as rewards for positive behaviors, like time on the iPad. And you need to show him you follow through with these consequences every time.
• Wait to talk until the meltdown is over. Don’t try to reason with a child who is upset. You want to encourage a child to practice negotiating when she’s  not blowing up (and you’re not either).

Targeting specific behaviors

When you are trying to manage disruptive behavior, it is helpful to identify specific behaviors that you are trying to change (or encourage). It’s true that when families are feeling overwhelmed sometimes it can seem like every interaction is a struggle. However, identifying specific behaviors is an important first step to effective discipline. Taking behaviors one at a time allows you to be more focused, gain a better understanding of why the behavior is happening, and have a greater sense of control. Of course, there may be multiple behaviors that you would like to change, but evaluating them one by one is important.

Target behaviors should be:

• Specific (so expectations are clear to everyone in the family)
• Measurable (so everyone can agree whether or not the behavior happened)

An example of a poorly defined behavior is “acting out” or “being good.” A well-defined behavior would be running around the room (bad) or starting homework on time (good).

Before the behavior happens

When you are thinking about a particular behavior that you are targeting, it is important to think about what generally happens before that behavior and may be triggering it. This helps parents understand not only why a child might be acting out but also how anticipating certain triggers might help prevent those behaviors from happening. Parents can also examine the triggers that make positive behaviors (like obeying a command on the first time) more likely.

Potential triggers to avoid

These things often lead to misbehavior.

• Assuming your expectations are understood:  Kids may not know what is expected of them — even if you assume they do. Demands change from situation to situation and when children are unsure of what they are supposed to be doing, they’re more likely to misbehave.
• Calling things out from a distance:  Tell your children important instructions when you are face-to-face. Directions that are yelled from a distance are less likely to be remembered and understood.
• Transitioning without warning:  Transitions can be hard for kids, especially if they are in the middle of doing something they enjoy. When kids are given a warning and have a chance to find a good stopping place, transitions can be less fraught.
• Asking rapid-fire questions, or giving a series of instructions:  Delivering a series of questions or instructions limits the likelihood that children will hear, answer questions, remember the tasks, and do what they’ve been instructed to do.

Potential triggers to embrace

These are things that can bolster good behavior.

• Adjusting the environment:  Try to manage environmental and emotional factors that can make it much more difficult for children to rein in their behavior. Things to consider: hunger, fatigue, anxiety or distractions. When it’s homework time, for instance, remove distractions like screens and toys, provide snacks, establish an organized place for kids to work and make sure to schedule some breaks.
• Making expectations clear:  You and your child should be clear on what’s expected. Even if he “should” know what is expected, clarifying expectations at the outset of a task helps head off misunderstandings down the line.
• Providing countdowns for transitions : Whenever possible, prepare children for an upcoming transition. For example, give her a 10-minute warning when it is time to come to dinner or start homework. Then follow up when there are 2 minutes left. Just as important as issuing the countdown is actually making the transition at the stated time.
• Letting kids have a choice:  As kids grow up, it’s important they have a say in their own scheduling. Giving a structured choice — “Do you want to take a shower after dinner or before?” — can help them feel empowered and encourage them to become more self-regulating.

After the behavior happens

Considering what happens after a targeted behavior is important because consequences can affect the likelihood of a behavior recurring. That is true for consequences that are positive (like getting an extra 10 minutes of screen time) or negative (like getting a time out).

Some consequences are more effective than others. Ideally consequences create structure and help kids understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. However, consequences can also do more harm than good when they are sending the wrong message. Understanding how to use smart and consistent consequences makes all the difference.

Consequences that aren’t effective

These types of consequences are common, but they generally don’t have the desired effect.

• Giving negative attention: It seems counterintuitive, but consequences that seem negative to us (like raising your voice or spanking) can sometimes reinforce the very behavior we are trying to prevent. That’s because children value attention from the important adults in their life so much that any attention — positive or negative — is better than none. That’s why negative attention can actually increase bad behavior over time. Responding to behaviors with criticism or yelling can also adversely affect children’s self-esteem.
• Delayed consequences:  Immediate consequences are the most effective. Children are less likely to link their behavior to a consequence if there is a lot of time between the two, which means delayed consequences are less likely to actually change a child’s behavior.
• Disproportionate consequences: Parents can sometimes become so frustrated that they overreact when giving consequences, which is understandable. However, a huge consequence can be demoralizing for children, and they may give up even trying to behave.
• Consequences that are accommodating:  When a child is slow to doing something you want him to do, like picking up his toys, many parents will become frustrated and just do it themselves. While this reaction is also understandable, it also increases the likelihood that he will dawdle again next time.

Consequences that are effective

Consequences that are more effective begin with generous attention to the behaviors you want to encourage.

• Positive attention for positive behaviors: Praising children when you “catch them being good” makes them more likely to repeat that good behavior in the future. Positive attention is also a good thing for the parent-child relationship, improves a child’s self-esteem, and feels good for everyone involved.
• Ignoring actively: This consequence might seem counterintuitive, but child behavior experts often teach “active ignoring” as an effective behavior management strategy. To perform active ignoring, deliberately withdraw your attention when a child starts to misbehave. As children learn that acting out doesn’t get them your attention, they will begin to do it less. An important component of active ignoring is to immediately give a child positive attention as soon as he exhibits behavior you do want to see, like sitting calmly. Of course, this consequence should be used only for minor misbehavior — active ignoring is not appropriate when a child is being aggressive or doing something dangerous.
• Reward menus: Rewards are a tangible way to give children positive feedback for desired behaviors. Rewards are most motivating when children can choose from a variety of desirable things: extra time on the iPad, a special treat, etc. Rewards should be linked to specific behaviors and always delivered consistently.
• Time outs : Time outs are one of the most effective consequences parents can use, but also one of the hardest to do correctly. It’s very important to balance them with other nurturing techniques, like providing positive feedback and modeling emotional regulation for your child. The next section in the guide gives parents tips on how to have a successful time out.

Example: Targeting a specific behavior

Set a specific behavior that you want to target

Stop jumping on the couch

Examine triggers

Your daughter often starts jumping on the couch when you go to change the baby’s diaper or give him a bath.

Possible solution: Come up with ways your daughter can “help” you do these tasks. Her assistance may slow you down slightly, but it gives her something positive to do — and it makes her feel like she’s still getting your attention. When she helps out, praise her for being such a good big sister.

Examine consequences

Ineffective consequence: Yelling, “I’ve told you this a million times, Katie, you can’t jump on the couch! Why do you keep doing it?!”

Effective consequence: Send to time out immediately.

Why Transitions Trigger Problem Behavior

One common problem behavior trigger for many children is transitions. Whether it’s getting ready for bed, or coming to dinner, or putting down the video game controller, in many families transitions can become a flashpoint that everyone learns to dread.

If transitions are a problem for your child, it is important to figure out what about the transition is difficult. Often kids don’t like stopping an activity that they are enjoying (like playing on the computer) in order to do something less fun, like getting ready to leave the house. While no one enjoys stopping fun things, some kids struggle with it more than others. That can be a sign that they are still developing emotional self-regulation skills , but it is just one possible cause. Other children struggle to cope with unanticipated changes in schedule, or moving on from something that they feel like they haven’t finished.

Struggling with transitions can even be a sign of a mental health disorder in some children. Children with ADHD, autism, anxiety and OCD are all more likely to struggle with transitions.

Techniques to make transitions easier

Once you’ve narrowed down what you think might be behind your child’s resistance to transitions, then you can start brainstorming what you think might help. (Note: If you think your child might have an undiagnosed mental health disorder, taking your concerns to a clinician is important.)

Here are some techniques that you might want to try:

Preview and countdown: Every morning, lay out what the day will look like. Before each transition, give a timeframe and description of what will happen along with countdowns (in 20 minutes, then 10, then 5 it will be time to finish breakfast and head to school). This helps kids prepare emotionally.

Get their attention: For kids who struggle to regulate their attention, make a particular effort to capture theirs. Make eye contact, sit next to them, put your hand on their shoulder, or ask them to repeat back what you have said. It makes them more likely to follow through.

Use music: Songs can help kids (particularly young kids) ease into transitions. The “clean up” song is a popular example of this, but there are many songs that can be found or made up to suit a variety of situations from tying shoes to brushing teeth.

Visual cues: Posting a chart with pictures illustrating what to expect from a particular transition or the steps involved is a good visual reminder for children to fall back on.

Create routines: If there are transitions that your child struggles with every day, like going to bed, build some consistency and structure into that transition. For example, when it’s close to bedtime, your child can pick one last thing she wants to do. Then, you both go upstairs to brush teeth and read a story, then it’s lights out. Doing this routine consistently helps kids know what to expect and makes the transition easier.

Use rewards: Rewards can be an effective tool to use for difficult transitions until children have gotten used to them. Parents can use stickers, snacks, or a point system that leads to tangible rewards.

Appropriate consequences: If a transition isn’t going well, think about what consequences you are (or aren’t) giving. Yelling isn’t an effective consequence, but active ignoring or a time out might be.

Use praise: When a child does follow through with a transition, make sure you give him some enthusiastic labeled praise to recognize his behavior. For example: “I really liked how you handed over the iPad right away and started brushing your teeth. Now we have more time to read!”

Skills: How to Do a Time Out

Critics of time outs argue that they can be emotionally isolating for kids, but research shows that they are effective and do not cause children harm . (For more on the debate around time outs, read our full article on the topic .) However, it’s very important to use them as just one technique in a nurturing, supportive parenting strategy. Be sure to balance use of time outs with lots of praise for kids’ positive behaviors. It’s also important to manage your own stress so that kids can learn emotional regulation from your positive example.

The point of a time out isn’t to shame or punish your child, but to diffuse an emotional situation and help your child learn to manage frustration and regulate his own behavior. Using a time out is also a clear way to communicate that a particular behavior is unacceptable.

Many parents have tried time outs before with varying degrees of success. To be most effective, time outs need to be done consistently and follow certain steps. Here are some guidelines to follow if you are learning how to use time outs, or want to troubleshoot your technique.

Use advance warning:  Kids need to  understand which behaviors are linked to which consequences . Work with your child to establish which behaviors (like hitting or not complying with an instruction from you) lead to a time out so she knows what to expect.

Establish a pre-determined place:  Designating a special chair, or a place on the stairs, also helps a child know what to expect. It’s a good idea to label the time out chair just that, and not “the naughty chair” or something similar. Time outs work better when they are focused on teaching children how to behave, not on punishing them.

Use a quick response:  When a kid misbehaves in one of the ways you have discussed, make sure the following time out is immediate, and that you state the reason: “No hitting. Go to time out.” Be specific, brief, and unemotional. This helps ensure that the child is able to link her action with its consequence. Delayed consequences are ineffective because kids tend to feel you are just being punitive.

Keep it brief : A standard formula for time outs is one minute per year of age. Some experts recommend a timer so a child can see that the time is being measured.

Keep it calm:  The goal in a time out is for kids to sit quietly. Some experts recommend not starting the allotted time until your child is quiet. Others feel this is too hard for young children. They require that the child be completely quiet for 5 seconds before ending the time out. This way kids learn to associate good behaviors with the end of the time out and it sends the message that yelling and screaming during a time out won’t work.

Pay no attention:  Kids in time out should be ignored — no talking to them or about them, even if they’re whining, crying or protesting. By withdrawing your attention during the time out, you’re sending the message that misbehaving is not the way to get what they want.

Consistency is key:  It’s tempting to put kids in time out whenever they’re acting inappropriately or pushing your buttons, but using time outs randomly makes it more difficult for kids to make the connection between specific misbehaviors and their consequences. Also, it is important that the time out occurs each and every time the specific target behavior occurs. If not, you are encouraging the child to think that he might be able to get away with it.

No rewarding stimuli:  In the time out chair the child should have no access to television, electronic devices, toys or games. If you’re away from home, pick any spot that removes the child from distracting stimulation.

If a child won’t stay in time out:  If a child breaks the rules by  leaving the time out chair too soon , put him in a backup time out area that he cannot escape from (like  a bedroom where there aren’t any rewarding stimuli such as television, toys or games). Briefly explain that he must stay there for one minute and be calm and quiet before he is allowed to leave. Once he does that he should be returned to the time out chair, and the time he must stay there is restarted. If he leaves the chair again, the cycle repeats. Your child should learn quickly that it’s in his best interest to stay in the chair until the time is up.

After the time out

When kids are given time outs for not complying with your instructions, once a time out is finished, they should be asked to complete whatever task they were asked to do before the time out. This helps them understand that time outs aren’t escape routes.

Once the time out is over, you want to resume giving them attention, tuning in to whatever they are doing/working on/playing so that you can “catch them being good” and specifically  praise them for a positive behavior . For example, if your child completes her time out and then she plays gently with the dog, you’d want to let her know what she was doing right (“I love how nicely you’re playing with the dog! You are using such nice gentle hands!”) This is reassuring your child that although she had to go to time out, she also is completely capable of doing good and positive things that make you proud and loving toward her.

Skills: How to Give Effective Instructions

Children will be more likely to understand and comply with your instructions if you follow these guidelines:

• Be direct.  Make statements rather than asking questions: “Please sit down,” as opposed to “Are you ready to get out your homework?”
• Be close.  Give instructions when you are near your child, rather than calling out from across the room.
• Use clear and specific commands . Instead of “Go ahead,” say, “Please go start your reading assignment.”
• Give age-appropriate instructions . Speak to your child at a level he will understand. If your child is younger, keep things simple and use words you know he knows: “Please pick up the ball.” With older children, it’s important to be clear without being patronizing.
• Give instructions one at a time.  Especially for kids who have attention challenges, try to avoid giving a series of instructions: “Please put on your sneakers, get your lunch off the kitchen counter, and meet me in the front hall.”
• Keep explanations simple.  Giving a rationale can increase the likelihood children will listen to a command, but not if the commands gets lost in it. For instance: “Go get your coat on because it’s raining and I don’t want you to catch a cold.” Instead, try: “It’s raining and I don’t want you to catch a cold. Go get your coat on.”
• Give kids time to process.  After you give an instruction, wait a few seconds, without repeating what you said. Children then learn to listen to  calm  instructions given once rather than learning that they don’t need to listen because the instructions will be repeated.

Improving the Parent-Child Relationship

One of the most unpleasant side effects of behavioral problems is the toll they take on the family dynamic. When a child has chronic behavior issues parents often aren’t enjoying the time they spend with their child. This can be both frustrating and guilt-inducing. Children are also negatively affected when they receive frequent criticism or pick up on their parent’s irritation, which can lead to resentment and may damage their self-esteem.

Improving the parent-child relationship should be a priority for all families dealing with chronic problem behavior. To that end, try to increase the number of interactions you have with your child that are positive and don’t promote conflict. For example:

• Use behavior management strategies that reinforce what you do want to see (like giving clear instructions in a neutral tone of voice or using lots of labeled praise) instead of comments that are critical or focus on what you don’t want to see.
• Pay attention to your own emotions and look for healthy ways to deal with stressful situations without escalating them. Use your own emotional self-regulation skills or give yourself a time out if you need a moment to cool down.
• Like in any relationship you want to nurture, think about how you can build on (or create) meaningful bonds. Are there common interests you can cultivate? New relationship rituals you can establish?
• Set aside a small amount of time every day to be present and nonjudgmental with your child.

How to establish daily quality time

Even a small amount of time set aside reliably every day can become something children and parents learn to look forward to. This should be a time for positive connection, without rules or commands, to help everyone in the family defuse stress and appreciate each other’s company. This should be considered special time and should not be contingent on a child’s good behavior. Here are some tips for success:

• Aim for 5 minutes per day with younger kids, 15 minutes with teens
• Let your child choose an activity she enjoys and you join in
• Actively listen and let her lead the conversation
• Validate her choices and interests
• Focus on giving positive attention to good behavior
• Ignore minor misbehavior
• Avoid directing the activity or criticizing

Helping Kids Deal With Big Emotions

Some children act out because they have a hard time regulating their own emotions. This is a common problem for young children who haven’t yet developed the ability to cope with big emotions in a constructive way. Some children continue to struggle with self-regulation as they get older. Parents and teachers may notice that they seem particularly sensitive and have outsized emotional reactions compared to their siblings or peers.

The good news is that self-regulation is a skill that can be taught like any other, and parents can play a big role in helping kids learn how to handle their emotions, even very big emotions. Here are some techniques for helping kids calm down instead of act out.

Developing emotional IQ

Taking the time to notice and label emotions helps kids begin to pay attention to how they are feeling. This is important because paying attention to our emotions is the first step to learning how to manage them. Sometimes just articulating an emotion helps to defuse it. Too often we try to pretend we aren’t feeling negative emotions until it’s too late and we are feeling terrible. Acknowledging a negative feeling can make it seem less powerful and helps you begin to think constructively about what to do with that feeling.

Parents can help teach children to do this by modeling it in their own behavior. For example, if you are upset because you forgot something at the grocery store, share that feeling: “I’m so frustrated right now! I forgot to get milk!” Then, after you’ve acknowledged how you feel, you can model coping and problem solving skills. You might say, “I’m going to take some deep breaths to calm down — that often helps me.” Then once you’re feeling better, you can say, “Now how can I solve this problem?” and brainstorm ideas.

Children will begin to pick up on the skills that you are modeling for them, but they might also need some extra support as they begin to learn how to deal with their emotions. If you notice your child is beginning to look upset, ask her to describe how she is feeling. Can she label it?

Just make sure if your child tells you that she’s feeling sad, or anxious, or angry, you don’t immediately try to talk her out of it. Sometimes hearing “Oh, it isn’t that bad!” can make kids feel like their emotions are wrong and inadvertently teach them that they shouldn’t share how they are feeling. Instead, you can validate the emotion (“Yes, that does sound frustrating” or “You do look disappointed”) and then encourage healthy ways of dealing with that feeling.

Heading off big emotions

Another important part of a child learning to consciously label his emotions is that it encourages him to start paying attention to how he feels, which means that he might notice an emotion earlier, before it starts to feel overwhelming.

Parents can sometimes be blindsided by the strong emotions children show during tantrums. But kids don’t go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant — even if it seems like that. Emotions build over time, like a wave. Kids can learn to manage those emotions that seem overwhelming by noticing and labeling them earlier, before that wave gets too big.

Many kids benefit from ranking how strong their emotions are on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being calm and 10 being furious. You can model doing this, too. When you are feeling frustrated because you forgot to get milk at the grocery store, you might announce that you’re at a 4.  It might feel silly to do this at first, but it teaches kids to pause and notice how they are feeling. For kids who appreciate visual aids, something like a “feelings thermometer” might help.

Getting Help

When to get help.

Most children have occasional tantrums or meltdowns. Acting out when it’s time to go to bed or stop playing a game is par for the course. But when kids are having tantrums often, or it seems like they can’t control their temper a lot of the time, you may be seeing something more extreme than typical problem behavior.

Here are some signs to look out for:

• When problem behavior is interfering with his ability to make friends or get along with other kids.
• When problem behavior is causing a lot of conflict at home and disrupting family life
• When your child feels like she can’t control her anger, and it is making her feel bad about herself
• When his behavior is causing trouble at school with his teachers or his fellow students
• When her behavior is dangerous to herself or others

If you are worried about your child’s behavior and are having a hard time managing it on your own, making an appointment with a clinician who has expertise in children’s mental health can be very helpful. A clinician can perform a comprehensive evaluation to determine whether your child may have an undiagnosed mental health disorder that is contributing to her behavior issues, or recommend specific strategies or treatments that might be helpful.

For more information about how to find a clinician who can help, read the Child Mind Institute’s Parents Guide to Getting Good Care .

Possible causes and diagnoses

Below is a list of some mental health disorders and other challenges that may be associated with disruptive behavior.

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

Children with ADHD find it unusually difficult to concentrate on tasks, pay attention, sit still and control impulsive behavior. While disruptive behavior is not a symptom of ADHD itself, it is often the result of ADHD symptoms. Inattention and impulsivity can make it very difficult for kids to tolerate tasks that are repetitive, boring, or take a lot of effort. Because of this, children with ADHD are frequently overwhelmed with frustration, and throwing a shoe or pushing someone or yelling “shut up!” can be the result of their impulsivity. Some kids with ADHD can also develop negative behavior patterns, which are a response to years of finding themselves in conflict with adults.

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)

Children with ODD have a well-established pattern of behavior problems, with symptoms including arguing with authority figures, refusing to follow rules, blaming others for their mistakes, being unusually angry and irritable, and more. All children can have these symptoms from time to time. What distinguishes ODD from normal oppositional behavior is how severe it is, and how long it has been going on for.

Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD)

Children with DMDD experience frequent, severe temper outbursts that seem grossly out of proportion to the situation at hand. In between tantrums they are chronically irritable. Their disruptive behavior is a result of their very big emotions and poor self-regulation skills. Children with DMDD often feel very apologetic after a tantrum is over.

Children who seem angry and defiant may be severely anxious.  When children are having a hard time coping with situations that cause them distress, they may lash out. This may happen when the demands at home or school put a pressure on them that they can’t handle. In an anxiety-inducing situation, your child’s “fight or flight” instinct may take hold — she may have a tantrum or refuse to do something to avoid the source of acute fear.

Children who have been traumatized frequently mask their pain with behavior that is aggressive. As a result of their trauma they may be struggling with poor emotional self-regulation, negative thinking, and be overly alert to dangers — and more likely to jump into their “fight or flight” response in an effort to protect themselves.

Learning problems

Children who act out repeatedly in school or during homework time may have an undiagnosed learning disorder. They may be feeling frustrated and ashamed because they are struggling to do things that look easy for other kids, and they don’t know why. Rather than ask for help, they may rip up assignments or act out to create a diversion from their real issues.

Sensory processing issues

Some children have trouble processing the sensory information they are getting from the world around them. Children who are under- or over-sensitive to stimulation can often feel uncomfortable, anxious, distracted and overwhelmed, which can frequently lead to disruptive behavior.

Children on the autism spectrum tend to be rigid — needing consistent routine to feel safe — and unexpected changes can lead to them having a tantrum. Autistic children can also struggle with sensory issues that leave them feeling overwhelmed.  Some autistic children may also lack the language and communication skills to express what they want or need.

Parent training programs

Parent training programs are designed to bolster the skills parents may need for managing a child’s problem behavior and improve the parent-child relationship. These programs are led by psychologists and social workers and are evidence-based, which means they have been thoroughly tested and found to be effective for many families.

Below is a list of different kinds of parent training, including what makes them different and which families they may work best for.

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) 

Parents and children both participate in PCIT sessions, during which a clinician teaches them skills to interact in a positive, productive way. It is effective for kids between the ages of 2 and 7, and usually requires 14 to 17 weekly sessions.

In PCIT, parents receive live coaching (via a bug in the ear) from a therapist who watches from behind a one-way mirror as they and their child perform a series of tasks, and parents practice specific responses to both desired and undesired behavior.

Parent Management Training (PMT)

In PMT, which is for children ages 3 to 13, parents are usually seen without the child present, although children may be asked to participate in some sessions.  Skills to deal more effectively with challenging behaviors  are taught and modeled by the therapist and then role-played with parents. After each session, parents are expected to practice the skills at home. Families usually participate in at least 10 sessions.

Since PMT is appropriate for all ages, it’s a good choice when kids are too old for PCIT. It can also be a good option for families where the parent-child relationship is strong, but children might be struggling with things like anxiety, extreme impulsiveness or explosive anger.

Defiant Teens

Defiant Teens is for parents of teenagers who are 13-18 years old. The first half of this program involves only parents, and focuses on teaching more effective tools for  interacting with their teenager , specifically for handling noncompliance or defiant behavior. But since teenagers are more autonomous than younger children and less influenced by their parents’ guidance, the program also includes training for the adolescent to help him become a participant in changing the family dynamic.

In the second half, parents and teenagers are both trained in problem-solving communication. The aim is to provide family behavioral resources to help each family member develop more effective problem-solving, negotiation and communication skills and to correct any unreasonable beliefs that might be impeding their interactions.

Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) 

Triple P’s focus is on equipping parents with information and skills to increase confidence and self-sufficiency in managing child behavior. It can be utilized with a wide age range of children from toddlerhood through adolescence. With Triple P families can participate in different levels of intervention according to their needs. In some sessions clinicians will meet one-on-one with parents to discuss skills and strategies, and in some sessions kids with be included and the therapist will be provide live coaching.

The Incredible Years

The Incredible Years offers small-group-based training for parents of kids from infants through age 12. The programs are broken into four age groups (baby, toddler, preschool and school age) and they range from 12 to 20 weeks.

The program starts with a focus on improving parent-child relationships and positive attachment before moving on to  consistent routines, rules and limit-setting.  Finally it covers child management strategies such as ignoring, redirection, logical and natural consequences, time to calm down and problem-solving.

For children from four to eight years old, Incredible Years offers children’s groups that focus on helping them  acquire emotion regulation strategies  and social skills. Research shows that the kids’ group works well at improving pro-social behavior and decreasing problem behaviors. Parents find that they learn not only from therapists but from other fellow parents in the group.

Parent training and behavior therapy are considered a more effecting and longer lasting way to help children learn to manage their difficult emotions and rein in disruptive behavior. But medications are sometimes used as an adjunct to behavioral therapy. Anti-psychotic medications like Abilify (aripiprazole) and Risperdal (risperdone), which have been shown to reduce aggression and irritability, may be used in cases where a child is at risk of being removed from the school or home. Stimulant medication may be used if a child has excessive impulsivity, including those who have an ADHD diagnosis. Antidepressants (SSRIs) may be helpful if a child has underlying depression or anxiety.

It is important to talk with your doctor about any concerns you may have about your child’s treatment plan, progress or any side effects that you may be seeing. A good clinician will be ready to discuss the symptoms you are seeing and explain potential options for changing dosage or medication. If you don’t feel that your child’s doctor is taking your concerns seriously, or your doctor is not following best practices for changing dosage, or adding new medications, you should get a second opinion.

If you believe your child should stop taking a particular medication, make sure you tell your doctor, and discuss the pros and cons. Don’t make adjustments or withdraw the medication without consultation. Many medications should be reduced gradually, and children should be monitored for side effects of withdrawing too quickly.

Note about Risperdal

Risperdal can have serious side effects, including substantial weight gain and metabolic, neurological and hormonal changes that can be harmful. Children taking Risperdal or another atypical antipsychotic should be monitored by their doctors regularly over the course of treatment. Before treatment begins, they should be tested to establish baselines for height, weight, vital signs and levels of prolactin and blood fats and sugar. During the first few months of treatment, a child’s levels should be measured frequently. If the child is using the medication long-term, he should continue to be monitored on a yearly basis.

Behavior Issues in School

For kids who struggle with their behavior in the classroom, establishing some school-specific behavior management strategies is important.

The first step is often asking the school to provide a functional behavior assessment. The goal of an FBA is to gather more information about when and why your child is acting out in class. This information is then used to come up with a plan for how to help. A school psychologist or behavioral specialist typically leads the FBA, and may speak to you, your child’s teachers and your child as part of the assessment, as well as do some in-class observation.

Determining which specific things that your child struggles with is important. Just like in behavior management at home, it helps to get as much information as possible about the real-life situations that seem to lead to disruptive behavior, paying attention to what happens immediately before, during and after the behavior. Paying attention to when your child isn’t acting out can also be informative.

Once this information has been gathered and analyzed, the school psychologist or behavioral specialist can work on creating a behavior intervention plan (or BIP) with ideas for preventing problem behaviors and rewarding positive behavior. This may include different teaching strategies, different consequences for misbehavior or changes to typical routines. Checking in periodically to monitor the effectiveness of these strategies (and make updates accordingly) is important.

How parents can support school behavior goals at home

Parents can also play a role in helping reinforce good behavior at school. You might tell your child’s teacher that you want to be a partner in helping improve your child’s behavior and select one or two goals at a time to work on, like turning in homework and not calling out in class, for example. Then you can ask the teacher to give you periodic reports on your child’s progress. You don’t want to overwhelm the teacher, but if you get a progress report every few days or every week then you can help reinforce the school’s goals by either rewarding good school behavior at home or setting up appropriate consequences.

For example, if you hear that your child is doing a good job turning in his assignments, you might give him some extra screen time that weekend in recognition of his efforts. If he’s doing a particularly good job then you might give him a bigger reward, like an outing to his favorite restaurant. Conversely, if you get a report that he isn’t doing his homework, you might let him know that he won’t get any screen time for the first two days of the upcoming week because he needs to prioritize homework.

For more information about working with schools on behavior issues, see our recommended reading list in the next section.

Recommended Reading

Behavior interventions at home.

The Everyday Parenting Toolkit , by Alan Kazdin

The Kazdin Method for Parenting a Defiant Child , by Alan Kazdin

Taking Charge of ADHD , by Russell Barkley

Behavior Interventions at School

Behavioral Interventions in Schools: Evidence-Based Positive Strategies , by Angeleque Akin-little, Steven G. Little, Melissa A. Bray and Thomas J. Kehle

Managing ADHD in School: The Best Evidence-Based Methods for Teachers , by Russell Barkley

Was this guide helpful?

Explore popular topics, subscribe to our newsletters.

" * " indicates required fields

Don’t Miss Out

Sign up for expert-reviewed guides and updates direct to your inbox.

The No. 1 parenting technique to help in tough moments with kids of any age, from child psychologists

O ne of our key jobs as parents is to teach instead of punish, even when our children are pushing back, melting down, or otherwise being "difficult." We know it's hard: We've been there plenty of times as moms ourselves. Still, we're here to guide our children in a compassionate way through difficult moments at all stages of development.

Sometimes, when emotions are high — when we feel like a young child is being impulsive and destructive, for example, or when a teenager turns everything into a battle — we need guidance to steer us in the right direction, so that we can help our kids learn instead of shutting them down.

As child psychologists, we've developed an acronym that can assist us all through this process, regardless of our child's age: H.E.L.P.

Here's how to use it during difficult parenting moments: 

H is for Halt

Let's say your child is hitting their sibling with a toy or has just missed curfew. Whatever their action, before you react, it's smart to stop and ask yourself: Where is their behavior coming from?

We truly believe that no child wants to be "bad." Why would anyone want to fail and disappoint a person who means the world to them?

Children generally want to make us happy, and they want to succeed. But there are biological limitations working against them. An underdeveloped thinking brain, an overactive emotional brain, and a lack of perspective leads to chaos and poor decision-making. An immature brain produces immature behavior.

A child is not their behavior. Though our anxiety can interfere with our ability to see it, their behavior is a form of communication a parent is meant to decode — reflecting a need that's unmet or a skill they've yet to learn.

Children often convey their struggles through "misbehavior" or meltdowns, and deal with discomfort and stress through tantrums and crying. Their "bad" behavior could mean, for example, that they're: 

• Overstimulated
• Feeling unwanted, rejected, inadequate, sad, scared, lonely, angry, or ignored
• Confused about expectations
• Needing more freedom or time outdoors
• Needing a limit set
• Seeking connection
• Getting sick
• Stressed about school
• Getting too much screen time
• Not getting enough play or movement
• Not eating a balanced diet
• Struggling with a transition

It's our job as the adults to see through the behavior to the heart of the issue.

Still, it can be hard not be reactive in the moment and resort to unhealthy scripts we may have learned through our own past experiences. We may have been taught to hide our tears to avoid shame, for example, or to lash out with anger when we felt scared to protect ourselves.

Ask yourself: Is my reaction about my emotional baggage? Meaning, "I can't stand my child's crying because my parents didn't allow me to cry and it overwhelms me"? Or is my reaction a reasonable response to my child's behavior, like if my child yelled "I hate you," and my feelings are hurt? 

Self-awareness can save us from falling into old patterns we adopted from our own family of origin and allow us to act from a place of compassion and intention.

In the case of older children, we have some critical lessons to teach and our own reactivity might get in the way. So we may take an entire day or sleep on it before moving on to E, L, and P.

E is for Empathy

This is all about ensuring our children feel safe, seen, and heard before we get into limit setting, teaching, or problem-solving. Empathy means seeing their world as they see it and believing them when they show you how they feel. 

Let's break it down:

• Welcome their feelings. Lean in, get on their level, and make eye contact. 
• Acknowledge and validate their feelings. With a soft tone, say, "I can see you're feeling so …" "You must be feeling so …" or "You're so ____ with me right now."
• Really listen. Summarize and/or paraphrase (e.g., "So what I'm hearing you say is your friends ignored you all day, and you felt really lonely") and clarify if needed ("So no one talked to you at lunch and you felt really sad, am I understanding you correctly?").
• Don't judge. Feelings are neither good nor bad. And while behavior may not be acceptable, our children's feelings always are.
• Don't try to fix it. Allow for the crying, screaming, or verbal unloading. It's about our children being seen and heard, not fixing the behavior or problem.
• Say less. Talking too much overwhelms kids. This is more about our presence.
• Regulate your own emotions. Breathe and take a moment, or several, to compose and ground yourself. Ask yourself if your reaction is about you or your child. 

L is for Limits

One Thanksgiving, I had my entire extended family over for the holidays. There were at least 20 people in my home. The night before Thanksgiving, we ordered Chinese food. My son, who is normally relaxed at meals, refused to sit down or eat his food. In agitation, he threw his fork across the table and screamed, "I'm not eating this!"

My goal in the moment was to draw boundaries, create structure, and teach more appropriate behavior. I used simple statements that employ as few words as possible as I worked to: 

• Validate my child's emotion
• Convey that his behavior was not acceptable
• Offer alternatives

It came out something like this: "I can see you're so frustrated right now, you don't want to eat your dinner. But you may not throw things when you're upset. You may tell us that you're frustrated or take a quick walk and come back."

In the case of my son at Thanksgiving, he exploded into tears when I set a limit. But that didn't mean the limit was wrong. I realized he needed quiet and connection from me first — in other words, empathy and proximity.

P is for Proximity

Often our children negotiate, plead, or bargain with us to get us to change the limits. When they realize our answer is still the same (e.g., "honey, I still have a 'no' in me"), they get upset. 

You might be tempted to walk away because you're overwhelmed by their response or feel like you're being permissive indulging their drama. But this emotional processing is completely healthy and normal. For our children to become successful at self-regulating, we first have to co-regulate them. 

To help calm our children, we need to stay close. Look for the moment when their anger or frustration shifts into sadness. This is the golden moment of connection we don't want to miss. It's the key to children learning they can be vulnerable and show their authentic self.

Whether we're parked on the floor, sitting at the kitchen table, or cuddled up on the couch, we should never underestimate the power our physical presence holds.

Tammy Schamuhn is a Registered Psychologist and Registered Play Therapist Supervisor, and the cofounder and director of the Institute of Child Psychology . She's worked in private practice for over a decade, primarily with children and their families, and supervises master's-level students. She is the coauthor of " The Parenting Handbook: Your Guide to Raising Resilient Children ."

Tania Johnson is a Registered Psychologist, Registered Play Therapist, and cofounder and director of the Institute of Child Psychology . In her private practice, Tania specializes in parent consults, and works primarily from the perspective of attachment theory. She is the coauthor of " The Parenting Handbook: Your Guide to Raising Resilient Children ."

Want to make extra money outside of your day job?  Sign up for  CNBC's new online course How to Earn Passive Income Online  to learn about common passive income streams, tips to get started and real-life success stories. Register today and save 50% with discount code EARLYBIRD.

Plus,  sign up for CNBC Make It's newsletter  to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life.

This is an adapted excerpt from " The Parenting Handbook: Your Guide to Raising Resilient Children ," Copyright (c) 2024, Tania Johnson and Tammy Schamuhn. Reproduced by permission of Barlow Book Publishing Inc. All rights reserved.