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The 50 Best Jokes For Your Best Man Speech

As the best man, you’re tasked with giving the toast—maybe the most famous one of the evening. For the big speech, it’s important to have some jokes scattered throughout. The couple gets to be sentimental. Her father gets to be sad and nostalgic. You need to bring the funny like it’s showtime at the Apollo. That’s no easy task, either. Luckily, there are dozens of jokes that have already been written that you can plug your buddy’s name into and carry on. We compiled some of our favorites for you here. Good luck!

Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only kidding. We went over the speech 40 minutes ago in the hall.

It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

We’ve reached the moment in the evening where we get to watch the groom figet and worry in anticipation. Yes, everyone, I’ve been asked by the staff to give him the bill.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologize for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple Jameson I’m going to down as soon as this is over.

I just heard there was a lucrative pool on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 40 minutes, so settle in…

Before I begin my speech, there’s just one order of business I’ve been asked to take care of. *Hold up pair of trousers with padlock on them* These are Jack’s Chastity Pants. I know he’s given keys out to various ladies over the years, but since he is now a married man, he’d like to get those copies back, so Jill is the only one with access. *Wait for the keys you strategically handed out to wedding guests to be brought up*

My name is Peter and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but shut up – I know your secrets.

Just a couple of rules before we begin. If you have a mobile phone – leave it switched on, entertain yourselves. And if anyone texts you any good jokes, kindly pass them up to the front.”

I’ve been told I won’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it’s only hard for the first minute.

Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

Sally is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Harry swooped in before she could find one.

I think the main reason we’ve lasted as friends all these years is because you’re geographically convenient…and you had a trampoline.

Jack is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because you forgot about it until late last night at the bar!

Jack was in a pub when he proposed. No, really, it was actually very romantic – he got up on one knee.

It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet.

Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.

So I’m the best man, although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

I can only say in my defense that Mike and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”

I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …”

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out.

I do have to say though how lucky you are Dave, you’re leaving with a beautiful wife whom you love. And you, Miranda, you get to go home with such a nice new dress and beautiful bouquet of flowers, it’s great.

Jill, you are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise you I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.

Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Linda, I expect you had a similar experience when Paul asked you to be his wife.

I spoke to both Sally and Paul before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee percolator!

Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

When I saw Linda heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

Before proposing, Paul went to ask Linda’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing Paul took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!

I recognize my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.

If you can’t hear me in the back, let the silence in the front assure you that you’re not really missing out on anything.

A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.

I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Jack and Jill’s wedding. Jack made me compete for this honor today, but I was able to beat Mark the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

I found the speech length really difficult to settle on. At one point, it ran to almost 70 minutes, so I cut it down to a five-minute speech but I just felt like too many important things were being left out. So I came to a compromise – I’m going to read the five-minute speech. Then straight afterwards, I’ll do 70-minute one and you guys can tell me which speech I should use.

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now rising to the top of his industry based solely on his intelligence, grit and willpower? A man whose charisma knows no bounds and who has already distinguished himself amongst his peers? Because I’m trying to write my Tinder profile and I’m having trouble summarizing myself.

When I sat down to write this speech I Googled “perfect best man speech”, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m gonna wing it.

I admit, I’m extremely nervous right now. As the people sitting near to me at the table can testify, it really is possible to smell fear.”

I must admit, I’m not used to speaking in public. Until now I thought a toastmaster was a kitchen appliance.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honor but you don’t really want to do it!

I’ve been anxious about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out. Ten minutes ago, I had to ask a complete stranger to burp me.

Dave was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

What’s the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted.”

Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.

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25 Best Man Toast Ideas to End Your Speech

This best man toast guide includes 25 excellent toast ideas, as well as advice on who the best man toasts in his speech

Getty Images / Anchiy

One of the duties involved in giving the perfect best man speech is to give a best man toast to the newlyweds – you’ll have to ask everyone to raise their glasses and drink to the happy couple and their future together.

A best man toast is the ideal way to end a best man's speech, but who does the best man toast and what do they actually have to say?

To help you nail your best man speech toast, we have dozens of examples you can steal, with everything from funny quotes to great best man toasts that are more traditional.

25 Best Man Toast Ideas & Tips for Nailing the End of Your Speech

As well as examples of best man toasts, we also have expert advice on who should the best man toast. When carrying out this very important role, you want to ensure you are toasting to all the right people, and not taking away from anyone else's toast responsibilities.

Whether you want to thank the bridesmaids, end with a laugh or stick to tradition, these best man toasts are short, sweet and just what your speech needs. It's also the best solution if you're looking for a fun way to end a best man speech.

Who Does the Best Man Toast in His Speech?

How to end a best man speech , traditional best man toast ideas.

Funny Best Man Toast Ideas

Quotes for a Great Best Man Toast

Best man toasts to the bridesmaids.

Before deciding what toasts to include in your speech, you need to know who you're toasting. So who does the best man toast in their speech?

Traditionally, the only people who the best man is obliged to toast in his speech are the newlyweds, however it's quite common for the best man toast to include a nod to the bridesmaids, too.

Though this is usually done by the groom, if you are at a wedding where there is no groom, the groom isn't making a speech, or you just want to thank them as well, including a mention of the bridesmaids in your best man toast is welcomed.

If you are particularly close with your best friend's family as well, you may want to mention them in your best man toast, but note that this is not traditionally done.

If you want to be completely certain on the matter of who does the best man toast, check with the nearlyweds to ensure you're not doubling up on toasts.

There's no point delivering a killer intro if you don't know how to end a best man speech now is there? In an ideal situation, your best man speech ending should be just as funny and witty as the beginning, and a brilliant toast is the perfect tool to use.

You can use the body of your speech to toast to the bridesmaids, say something nice about the rest of the wedding party and mention some nice words about the groom, but there's no better way to end a best man speech than with a lovely toast to the couple.

Sometimes the traditional way is the best – so if you want to play it safe with a classic and heartwarming best man toast, consider one of these…

“Please join me in raising a glass to the happy couple – to [NAME] and [NAME]”
“I’d like you all to join me in wishing the new Mr and Mr/Mrs [NAME] all the wealth, health and happiness in the world. To the newlyweds!”
“To my best friend and his beautiful partner: the new Mr and Mrs/Mr [NAME]”
“Please make sure your glasses are charged and join me in toasting the new Mr and Mrs/Mr [NAME]. Ladies and gentlemen, to the happy couple!”
“They say you don’t marry the person you can live with, you marry the person you can’t live without. That sums up [NAME] and [NAME] perfectly. To the happy couple”
“Here is a toast to a perfect couple – to a long life together filled with happiness, adventure and lots of wonderful memories”
“To [NAME] and [NAME] – here is to a lifetime of love and happiness”
“Raise your glass and join me in a toast to [NAME] and [NAME] – may you always be friends as well as lovers”

Funny Best Man Toast Ideas

If you’ve peppered your speech with lots of best man jokes , continue in the same fashion and finish with a funny best man toast. Here are a few examples to give you an idea.

"Time to raise our glasses to the happy couple because I like both of you -do you have any idea how rare that is?"
“For one more time, I’m going to ask everyone to charge their glasses and – for those who still can – stand, and raise a glass to the newlyweds”
"Raise a glass to the happy couple. May your marriage be as strong as the drinks in your hand. Cheers!"
“Part of the best man speech involves a toast and for me, the best kind of toast is French toast. So, buvons à ce couple heureux”
“Please can everyone join me in toasting two young – well, quite young anyway – people in love. To the happy couple”
“To the two things that make a great marriage – having a good sense of humour and selective hearing. To [NAME] and [NAME]”
“To [NAME] and [NAME] – we all knew [NAME] had found the one when he/she started spending more time with [NAME] than he did playing on his/her Xbox!”
“[NAME] and [NAME], before I finish, I’d like you to turn to face each other. You’re now looking into the eyes of the person who is statistically most likely to murder you. To the happy couple!”

Getty Images / SolStock

If you really want to wow the guests and have a speech ending that will resonate with everyone, do your research and choose a quote as your best man toast. For even more ideas, we’ve got some inspirational quotes about love and marriage to inspire you.

“I would like to end on some wise words from Socrates: ‘My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife/husband, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.’ To the happy couple!”
“Here’s one of my favourite Oscar Wilde quotes: ‘The man who says his wife/husband can’t take a joke forgets that she/he took him.’ To [NAME] and [NAME].”
“Before we raise a glass to the newlyweds, I’d like to share a Pauline Thomason quote with you: ‘Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.’ To the happy couple!”
“Here’s a poem by Ogden Nash to finish on: To keep a marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, where you are wrong, admit it, and when you are right, shut up! To [NAME] and [NAME]”
“To [NAME] and [NAME] – here’s an Antoine de Saint-Exupery quote to finish on: ‘Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.’”
“Before we raise our glasses, I’d like to share this Mignon McLaughlin quote with [NAME] and [NAME]: ‘A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.’”

A thank you in your best man toast to the bridesmaids is a lovely and thoughtful idea. Traditionally the groom toasts the bridesmaids but there is no harm in complimenting them too, just check in with your friend to see if they are doing the same.

"The beautiful bridesmaids have been amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like you all to raise your glasses. I give you… the bridesmaids."
"I would like to say a special thank you to the bridesmaids, who have been wonderful throughout the day. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses."

Make sure you read our guide to overcoming wedding speech nerves to ensure you deliver your speech flawlessly!

Finishing On A High

What you say at the end can make all the difference in your toast's overall success

There is a growing tradition of ending Best Man's speeches with a piece of light-hearted or comical marriage advice or by making a comical marriage observation . For me, this is more suitable Father of the Bride material and should be avoided, particularly if you yourself are single. Marriage insights from a single best man don't carry much weight. It can be pulled off if the best man is married , but most Best Men, single or married, would be better sticking to other areas. Here are some to consider:

"There is an old wedding day tradition saying that the bride must wear something new, something old, something borrowed and something blue. To ensure that tradition is followed I would like to make a special presentation to Linda. It's old, borrowed and blue, and I figure Paul is new enough as her husband to cover the new. These should come in especially handy tonight when the newlyweds retire to their hotel room. Linda, here are some slightly used blue socks for you."

"I have a telegram here for Paul from his Bank Manager, who sends his deepest apologies but he sadly can't be with you today… but will definitely be seeing you after the honeymoon."

"In a few short hours, Paul and Linda will be making their way to the airport for a wonderful two weeks in tropical paradise. But whilst they are sunbathing on sugar-white sand, or paddling in a bath-warm ocean, my advice to them is that a good honeymoon is far more like something much closer to home - a dining table with a roast chicken on it ... four bare legs and no drawers, with some breast, some leg, and plenty of stuffing."

"Later on tonight, when the music starts, you might get to see Paul's limbo dance. He learnt it trying to get into the paid toilets at Waterloo station."

There are plenty of other ways you can connect your closing words to the particulars of your occasion. For more examples click here .

Finally, as you lead into the champagne, it's time to offer your congratulations and well wishes to the happy couple, express your hopes for their marriage or sincerely sum up the occasion . Just one moment of heartfelt emotion will do. Consider your toast carefully as these will be the words you finish on.

"On behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone here for sharing in this unique and special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. I know that Paul and Linda will never forget it. But speaking personally, and perhaps slightly selfishly, I wish that you had all stayed at home because things would have been a lot easier on me."

"There is nothing more noble or admirable than watching two incredible people come together as one in the unity of marriage. As your friends and family, we delight in your marriage and offer our encouragement and support. Here is a toast to a long life filled with adventure, love, and cherished moments."

Follow the links throughout this guide for a host of relevant suggestions. And when your speech is ready, try to leave yourself enough time to learn it, or at least be familiar enough that you can give a smooth and comfortable read. Good luck and enjoy yourself. It's your big day too!

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