higher level english personal essay

English - Higher

This subject will test your creativity and your comprehension of poets, plays and fiction.

In the exam, it is really important to work to the clock and get your timings correct so that you get all questions finished. Pay attention to your vocabulary, grammar, punctuation and handwriting as this all will play a part in how the examiner marks your exam. Finally, don’t forget to study Paper 1 – there is just as much potential for practice and preparation as the studied material on Paper 2.

Higher Level Course Content

• 1 Composition (Personal Writing)
• 1 Reading Comprehension
• Comparative - Cultural Context (2024)
• Comparative - Literary genre (2023/24)
• Comparative - Theme or Issue (2023/24)
• Comparative - Vision & Viewpoint (2023)
• Hamlet (2024)
• Macbeth (2023)
• Othello (2022)
• Poetry - Bishop (2023)
• Poetry - Dickinson (2023)
• Poetry - Donne (2023)
• Poetry - Heaney (2024)
• Poetry - Hopkins (2024)
• Poetry - Kavanagh (2023)
• Poetry - Mahon (2023)
• Poetry - Meehan (2023/24)
• Poetry - Ni Chuilleanain (2024)
• Poetry - Plath (2024)
• Poetry - Rich (2023)
• Poetry - Yeats (2023)
• Text - A Doll's House
• Text - All the Light We Cannot See
• Text - Frankenstein (2023)
• Text - Pride & Prejudice
• Text - Regeneration
• Text - The CrucibleText - The Handmaid's Tale
• Text - The Picture of Dorian Gray (2023)
• Text - Wuthering Heights
• Text- Days Without End
• Unseen Poetry

Ordinary Level Course Content:

• Comparative - Hero, Villain
• Comparative - Relationships
• Comparative - Social Setting
• Comparative - Theme
• Poetry - Brooks (2023)
• Poetry - Bryce (2023)
• Poetry - Dickinson (2022)
• Poetry - Donne
• Poetry - Duffy (2022/23)
• Poetry - Eliot
• Poetry - France (2022/23)
• Poetry - Hughes (2024)
• Poetry - Joseph (2023)
• Poetry - Meehan (2022/23)
• Poetry - Morrissey (2023)
• Poetry - Muldoon (2023)
• Poetry - Ni Chuilleanain
• Poetry - Rich (2022/23)
• Poetry - Shakespeare (2023)
• Poetry - Shelley (2023)
• Poetry - Williams (2024)
• Poetry - Yeats (2023/24)
• Text - All My Sons
• Text - All the Light We Cannot See (2021)
• Text - Frankenstein
• Text - Never Let me Go
• Text - Philadelphia, Here I Come!
• Text - Room
• Text - The Cove (2023)
• Text - The Crucible
• Text - The Handmaid's Tale (2021)
• Text - The Lauras
• Text - The Picture of Dorian Gray
• Text- A Raisin in the Sun (2023)

The English exam is very understandable and approachable. The exam is designed to let you express what you do know rather than catch you out on things you don't know. The exam consists of two papers, for both Higher and Ordinary levels. 

Higher and Ordinary Level - 170 mins (200 marks)

Three texts (one of which is visual) are presented to you on a general theme.  Two sets of questions, an A and a B follow each text. You must answer a Question A on one text and a Question B on a different text.    (100 marks)

Section II 

Composing - you must write an extended composition in a specific genre of language from a list of seven choices (story, talk, debate, article, essay). (100 marks)

Higher and Ordinary Level - 200 mins (200 marks)

    Section I    The single text    (60 marks)

    Section II   The Comparative study  (70 marks)

    Section III  Poetry     (70 marks)

    (i)  Unseen poem   (20 marks) 

    (ii)  Prescribed poetry  (50 marks)

    (i)  Unseen poem   (20 marks)

    (ii)  Four poems will be printed on the exam paper and you must answer questions on one of the four.   (50 marks)

Future Careers with Leaving Certificate English

A pass in English is a requirement for entry into many CAO courses. Students who like English can follow a wide variety of career paths including; Advertising, Writing, Arts, Business, Management, Journalism, Politics, and Entertainment.

Download the  Leaving Cert English Syllabus

Download the Prescribed texts for the 2022 Examination

Download the Prescribed texts for the 2023 Examination

Download the Leaving Cert  English Guidelines for Teachers

Download the Leaving Cert English Chief Examiner's Report  (2013) 

Past Papers

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Sample Personal Essay

This is a personal essay (I found it in an old foolscap a few years ago) from when I was in Leaving Cert. It’s not terribly original and the ending just kind of tails off pathetically but rather than fix it up I decided to leave it as I had written it at 17. It should give you a strong sense that there is a real difference between personal essays and short stories.

A Farewell to Adolescence

One of the scariest things about being in Leaving Cert. is realising that you are the oldest pupils in the school. In the first couple of days it gently hits you that the people who once intimidated you so much are all gone. Any intimidation that goes on now is probably your esteemed self complaining (loudly) in the presence of first years about how cheeky and wild they are. At this stage you usually find yourself commenting on the fact that your own year were NEVER that rude and boisterous, and you begin to despair for the youth of today. Where, oh where, did they ever go wrong?

It is about now you realise that you’re beginning to grow up. Talking about the ‘youth of today’ sets off alarm bells in your head because you’ve started to distance yourself from this section of society. You no longer include yourself in the category of ‘teenager’ or ‘adolescent’. Technically, you’ll be a teenager until the end of your nineteenth year, but being as mature and responsible as you are, you handily disregard this fact!

After the first couple of days in Leaving Cert, it not-so-gently whacks you full-in-the-face that other people have also started to regard you as a young adult. Teachers, parents, and adults in general expect you to think and act more responsibly, as befits your new position in society. THAT’s when you discover the role of young adult has as many drawbacks as advantages.

The first problem encountered is that of choosing a career! Of course, you’d always realised that EVENTUALLY you’d have to decide what to do with the rest of your life. But never in your wildest dreams or worst nightmares did you imagine just how difficult it would really be. The careers teacher bombards you with information about points, open days, college prospectus’, CAO-CAS forms, subject choices, apprentices and requirements. It vaguely registers somewhere in the back of your mind that you’ve heard all this before (perhaps in last years careers class???) but you weren’t really listening (at the time) because it was just kind of boring and irrelevant. Right now it’s about as far away from irrelevant as it can possibly be, and your head is in a whirl. Oh, to be back in first year when everything was simple and all anyone seemed to talk about was how wild and cheeky you were!

Added to this burden of deciding what to do with the rest of your life, is the workload of the average Leaving Certificate pupil. You seem to spend at least three hours every night doing homework alone. Wondering when you’ll get around to revising fourth year work is useless – you simply DON’T HAVE THE TIME! Every teacher seems to have some comment to make about how little work you’ve done, and how much you’ve left to cover. Being fulfilled, happy individuals, however, you don’t despair and it never even enters your head how hopeless everything is…

The last (and in my opinion the worst) part of saying farewell to adolescence is that of being responsible for your own destiny. Every teacher and parent in the country seems to adopt the policy of constantly telling you that how you do in the Leaving Certificate Examinations in June is entirely up to you! Teachers remind you daily that they’re not afraid of work and they’re doing the best they can for you. If you don’t pull up your socks and get down to work there’s nothing they can do about it. Their most commonly used phrase abound this time is “I can’t do the work for you!” You almost begin to believe the unspoken, follow-on-statement “I would if I could but I can’t”. Thus the weight of the world merrily thuds down onto your shoulders and this ‘growing-up’ process, this ‘farewell to adolescence’ seems less and less attractive every minute.

All is not doom and gloom however, and whilst the negative side of growing up is alive and well, there is also another, more desirable side blossoming satisfactorily, if you look at the other side of the coin. You begin to notice the extent to which your family life changes. Apart from a few sensitive areas, you’re pretty much a free agent. Your parents no longer freak out if you leave the house for more than half an hour. You don’t ask them any more if you can go out, they ask you if you are! It’s not childish teenage disco’s you’re going to either – it’s pubs and nightclubs. For the lucky minority who are already 18, it’s not even illegal! The smoker who started smoking in national school suddenly realises that he’s no longer breaking the law. You can even legally have sex!

A whole new world of possibility opens out before you, and somehow, life doesn’t seem so bleak anymore. You don’t get asked what age you are going into the cinema! Your mother doesn’t wait until you’ve gone to bed to watch the video she’s hired out – unless of course it’s an “adult” movie of the coloured kind that you don’t really want to watch anyway. And definitely not with your parents! Another advantage is the summer job which provides money, but more importantly, independence. I personally HATE having to ask my parents for money, and if I do, I have to tell them what it’s for. When you’ve got your own money, you can do what you like with it and are answerable to no-one.

All in all, growing up has both advantages and disadvantages. The process is both rewarding and painful, joyous and sad. Luckily this transition must only be experienced once in every lifetime because being “stuck in the middle” is quite an awkward confusing time. Overall my ‘farewell to adolescence’ will be a thankful one. I’ll be saying my goodbyes happily enough!

6 responses to “ Sample Personal Essay ”

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Leaving Cert English Masterplan  by Paul McCormack

In this article, Paul McCormack takes a look at the Leaving Cert Higher Level English papers and breaks down exactly what you need to cover with tips on what to focus on and the depth required. 

Download the Masterplan in PowerPoint

If you want to be a good writer, you need to concentrate not just on what you say, but also on how you say it.

Marking Scheme - PCLM

• Purpose (30%)
• Coherence of Delivery (30%)
• Language (30%)
• Mechanics (10%)

Paper 1 -200 marks

Timing – 2hrs 50mins = 170 mins

• QA – 60 minutes
• QB – 30minutes
• Composition – 70 minutes
• 10 minutes – ‘wriggle-room’

Comprehension – QA  - 50m = 12.5%

• 3 texts – Answer on 1
• 3 Questions: 2x15m + 1x20 marks
• Expectation – 5 marks = 1 paragraph
• NO opening or closing paragraph required

Expect Q(i) to be very straightforward – often a simple character analysis task.

Based on your reading of the written element of TEXT 3, explain three insights you gain into the character of Ariadne O’Neill. Support your response with reference to the text.

Expect Q(iii) to be a style question – vital to prepare and be able to identify the key qualities of different styles of writing: a)    Argument -----> Discursive  b)    Persuasion ----> Speech / talk c)    Story / narrative d)    Description / Aesthetic e)    Personal writing

Expect Q(ii) to be the most challenging . In recent years, these questions have required candidates to be imaginative . These questions often do not require direct reference to the attached Reading Comprehension passage.  

Example: In TEXT 1, Jeanette Winterson claims that, “We go to Shakespeare to find out about ourselves now.” With reference to a Shakespearean play you have studied for your 2019 Leaving Certificate course, identify an image, moment or episode that revealed something to you about “yourselfnow”. Explain the insight(s) you gained from engaging with this image, moment or episode.

Comprehension – QB - 50m = 12.5%

• 3 tasks – Answer on 1
• Pick QB first
• Imaginative tasks – often requires candidate to adopt a persona
• Task usually involves a ‘framework’ instruction, i.e. A speech; a talk; an introduction to a collection of essays; a magazine article / blog post / article for school website; a formal letter; a Diary entry

Questions will also usually contain a list of tasks that must be addressed across the response. The key here is to be:  1)    Accurate 2)    Consistent 3)    Imaginative 4)    Concise  

Example: In TEXT 1, Jeanette Winterson extols the virtues of the arts, arguing that artistic activities are beneficial both for individuals and for society in general. She also gives her views on the relationship between art and money. Write an opinion piece, suitable for publication in a broadsheet newspaper, in which you extol the varied virtues of sport, put forward a reasoned argument to persuade readers that sport benefits both individuals and society, and give your views on the appropriate relationship between sport and money.

Composition – 100m = 25%

• The most important section of the exam
• 7 choices – select one
• Questions always genre-specific
• A personal essay
• A short story
• A discursive essay

There will also likely be an option to write: 

• A descriptive essay
• A persuasive essay
• A magazine / newspaper article

The style of writing is the most important criteria for assessment here. Tasks are genre-specific, so:

• A short story should contain obvious elements of narrative / aesthetic language
• A speech should display an understanding of persuasive and argumentative techniques
• A discursive essay should display a balanced, informed, considered approach
• A personal essay should be reflective and contain ‘individual observation’

The marking schemes very clearly lay out the expectations related to each style of essay and should be studied closely.

The quality of language and expression  will be closely examined in this task above all others. The expectation is that the candidate will display a strong understanding of the particulars of the selected genre and will write in an articulate and clear style.

Imagination and Originality are key factors in a successful composition.

Paper 2 – 200m – 200 minutes.

Time management: take one hour to write each essay, and then spend 20 minutes on Unseen Poetry at the end.

There is an expectation that all answers on Paper 2 will be:

• Substantial (anywhere between 1,000 & 1,200 words is a reasonable expectation)
• Evidence-based. Quotation is vitally important here. There is an absolute expectation of supporting quotation for answers to Single Text and Studied Poetry answers. Quotation also adds to the quality of comparative answers.
• Analytical – the expectation is that answers will contain thoughtful and considered question-facing commentary. All Paper 2 tasks are exercises in CRITICAL THINKING.
• Properly structured.  

Note: In responses to Single Text and Studied Poetry tasks, opening and closing paragraphs certainly should be written . However, they should be brief and only need to accomplish one task – state the candidate’s response to the statement proposal in the question. Every answer on Paper 2 must be written in the language of argument  so provide your THESIS and move on. Closing paragraphs should again be brief and simply re-iterate the thesis. Candidates do not need to ‘list’ points on the OP or CP.

Single Text – 60m = 15%

Five texts are prescribed for study:

• All the Light We Cannot See
• A Doll’s House
• Frankenstein
• The Picture of Dorian Gray
• There will be 2 questions on each text and candidates must answer one question.
• The question will contain multiple elements

Examples: #1 Discuss how Shakespeare makes effective use, for a variety of purposes, of the contradictions and inconsistencies evident in Othello’s character. Develop your discussion with reference to Shakespeare’s play, Othello.

#2 Discuss how Shakespeare’s use of language, including imagery, plays an important part in developing our understanding of one of the following aspects of his play, Othello: themes; characterisation; setting and atmosphere. Develop your answer with reference to the text.

Expectations:

• Answers will be question-facing.
• Answers will not ‘narrate’ the studied text.
• Answers will be thoughtful, and points and evidence will be contextualised in the light of the question.
• Between 4-6 relevant points will be presented in a logical and structured essay.

Othello – Key Topics for Revision:

• The story-arc of the main characters
• The modern appeal 
• Universal themes like corruption and deception are particularly important.

Comparative Three modes are prescribed for study:

• The cultural context
• Theme and issue
• Literary genre

CANDIDATES MUST ANSWER ON ONE MODE.

• Each mode will offer a choice between two questions.
• One choice will be a stand-alone 70-mark essay. 
• In 2021, candidates could refer to 2 texts when answering this question WITHOUT FEAR OF PENALTY.
• The other choice will be divided into Part A (30) marks and Part B (40 marks).
• Candidates are expected to be able to refer to three texts when answering this question.

Expectations: Answers will

• Be written in the comparative spirit
• Display a detailed knowledge of the selected texts
• Avoid paraphrasing / narrating the selected texts.

When writing a Comparative answer, ensure you clearly identify your selected texts before you begin to write. The list technique is a very effective way to do this.

Try to develop 3-4 points in a thoughtful and analytical style. 

Studied Poetry: Poets Prescribed for Higher Level 2022

• Expect to see at least one poet from each category on your exam. 
• 4 poets are usually examined
• In 2021, 5 poets were examined.
• Candidates have to answer on one poet.
• Questions will usually explicitly refer to  a)    The thematic content of a poet’s work b)    Aspects of the poet’s style of writing  
• Candidates should refer to between 4-6 poems in an answer.
• Candidates will focus in on 3-4 core poems and then refer to another 1-2 other poems in context.
• Candidates will not summarise the poems. 
• Candidates will be selective in choice of evidence. 
• You do not have to tell the examiner the story of the poem.  
• The questions will vary in difficulty . Decision-making is a key skill here.
• A good example if this comes from the 2020 Paper 2:

Emily Dickinson  Discuss how Dickinson’s unique approach to language, and the balance between beauty and horror in her imagery, help to relieve some of the darker aspects of her poetry. Develop your response with reference to the poems by Emily Dickinson on your course. 

Adrienne Rich Discuss how Rich makes effective use of a variety of characters, often in dramatic settings, to probe both personal issues and wider social concerns in her poems. Develop your response with reference to the poetry by Adrienne Rich on your course.

One of these questions was much easier than the other...

Finally, some comments from the Chief Examiner that are worth considering...

The Leaving Certificate English Syllabus states that, “Developing control and power over language is the most essential educational achievement for all students if they are to become confident, thoughtful and discriminating adults and citizens”, (Leaving Certificate Syllabus, English, para. 3.5). The importance of key language skills is emphasised throughout the Marking Schemes for Leaving Certificate English and candidates who exhibit competence and control in the use of language are rewarded. It should be remembered that  candidates’ language skills are continuously assessed in the marking of answers to all questions on both Papers 1 and Paper 2 of the Leaving Certificate English examination. The criteria for assessment are applied in the case of every answer at both Higher and Ordinary Levels. This means that candidates who exhibit fluency appropriate to the task are rewarded in relation to every question answered. It is worth noting that some examiners identified candidates who were able to demonstrate knowledge of a text or texts but were less able to deliver this knowledge in a lucid and coherent fashion. 

An appropriate awareness of grammatical and syntactical conventions contributed to the cohesiveness of better answers in the 2013 examination, as did the use of correct spelling and punctuation. Weaker responses tended to be characterised by an inability to organise answers in a logical and coherent fashion and a lack of clear expression. The syllabus requires that, “all students will be expected to be assiduous in their attention to paragraphing, syntax, spelling and punctuation.” 

Candidates at both Higher and Ordinary Levels benefited when they exhibited an ability to structure their writing, organise paragraphs, spell accurately and correctly employ punctuation. 

The criteria for assessment also make explicit reference to the “use of lively interesting phrasing, energy, style and fluency”. It is essential that candidates are aware of the many purposes for which language is used and the diverse forms it can take, to appropriately serve particular purposes and audiences. Creative and thoughtful users of language were rewarded.

Paul McCormack is a senior English teacher at the Institute of Education, Leeson Street, Dublin. He is the author of Bridge The Gap TY English and Uncovering History.

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• Leaving Cert. English (Higher) 2022: Paper 1 Section II Composing
• Back to the question >

Preparation

Throughout your Leaving Certificate studies, be curious in all of your subjects. Read widely and write regularly. General knowledge, regular reading and regular writing will make you an interesting, articulate and quick-thinking student — three attributes that are necessary in responding to Leaving Certificate English papers.

Do not adhere to one style or one particular genre. Write in a variety of language categories:

• Information

Take care with your penmanship. Your writing must be legible, and good handwriting will create a good first impression.

If you have built up a number of good pieces, keep them for reference. You may well be able to utilise some of your ideas and techniques in the actual examination.

Read carefully what your English teacher writes about your written work. Re-write your work to improve it and learn from your mistakes.

This essay is worth a quarter of your entire marks for this examination. Its importance cannot be overestimated!

In the examination you should spend approximately one hour and twenty minutes on this section.

Remember you will be marked under the following criteria:

• Clarity of purpose (30%)
• Coherence of delivery (30%)
• Efficiency of language use (30%)
• Mechanics (10%).

1. Write a personal essay in which you identify some of the items or objects that have become “faithful companions” in your life and reflect on the importance of these items or objects to you.

• This title gives you the opportunity to take a number of different approaches but remember it must be a personal account. Your ideas should be at the heart of the essay.
• A personal essay should have a degree of personal reflection. You should not just tell a story or present a number of anecdotes. You must personally reflect.
• Think about the items and/or objects that are important to you. Why are they so important? This must be the focus of your essay.

2. You are a candidate in the next election for the presidency of Ireland. Write a speech to be delivered during the election campaign, in which you outline the social and cultural values you would promote if elected and explain the perception of Ireland you would cultivate abroad, given the opportunity to do so.

• This is a speech to be delivered during an election campaign. Your aim is to inspire people to vote for you. There should be plenty of language of persuasion in this speech.
• What social and cultural values do you wish to promote in your speech?
• What perception of Ireland do you wish to cultivate abroad? This speech is your chance to set out what you would do as president of Ireland if you were elected.
• Use all the rhetorical devices at your disposal. Some techniques include:
• Creating a sense of unity
• Emotive language
• Rhetorical questions
• Emphatic tone
• Use of contrast, triadic structures and flattery.

3. Write a short story in which the student featured in Text 3, Dieter Knecht, has a life changing experience as he attempts to rescue Joseph Roth’s denounced novel, 'Rebellion', from the Nazi supporters who wish to see it destroyed.

• You must write a short story. You can take a variety of approaches but generally, all short stories have a beginning, middle and end, have at least one character, and have some sense of tension, climax and resolution.
• Ask yourself questions to create ideas:
• Beware of creating an over-long time-line. You have limited space and time. It would be impossible to cover a character’s entire life in 3-4 A4 pages.
• Try to have only 1-3 main characters.
• You have a long time to write this essay. Re-read what you have written to check it for mistakes.
• Create atmosphere and images for the reader — it will improve your writing.

4. Write a feature article, for the magazine section of a weekend newspaper, in which you reflect on our fascination with all things fashionable and explore the stories we tell about ourselves, intentionally or unintentionally, through our fashion choices.

• You are writing a feature article for the magazine section of a weekend paper. You need to have a headline and possibly sub-headings. You should also get the tone right. If in doubt, read weekend magazine supplements.
• If you are a follower of fashion, this could be an ideal choice for you.
• You need to reflect on our fascination with all things fashionable and explore the stories we tell ourselves through our fashion choices.

5. Write a discursive essay in which you identify some of the powerful voices in modern life and discuss their influence on society.

• This is a discursive essay. You need to discuss voices in modern life and their influence on society.
• You may wish to consider some of the following:
• Social activists, e.g., Greta Thunberg
• Reality TV stars
• Cancel culture
• Politicians
• Sporting stars
• Social influencers.

6. Write a personal essay in which you reflect on the value of engaging in all kinds of learning and the pleasure, satisfaction and personal growth that can be derived from doing so.

• Consider the value of engaging in all kinds of learning, and consider the pleasure, satisfaction and personal growth that can be derived from doing so.
• You might consider some of the following ideas:
• Benefits of learning a language
• Learning individually or as a group
• Meeting others
• Broadening your mind.

7. Write a short story in which a piece of music or the lyrics of a song (or songs) play(s) an important part of the narrative.

• See notes on writing a short story above.
• The short story must have a piece of music and/or song lyrics as an important part of the narrative.
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IB English HLE Explained

Free introductory guide to IB English Higher Level Essay (HLE) by IB44 and IB45 graduates Lareina Shen and Saesha Grover.

In this guide, LitLearn students (and 2022 IB grads!)  Lareina Shen and Saesha Grover share their wisdom on how to conquer the IB English Higher Level Essay (HLE).

Lareina achieved an IB44, and Saesha achieved an IB45 as well as the coveted IB7 in IB English Literature HL, so you are in safe hands.

Meet your instructor Jackson Huang, Founder of LitLearn. His mission is to make IB English as pain-free as possible with fun, practical lessons. Jackson scored an IB45 and was accepted to Harvard, Amherst, Williams Colleges, and full scholarships to University of Melbourne & Queensland.

What is IB English HLE?

The HL Essay (HLE) is a 1200-1500 word essay about a text studied in the IB English course. For Lang Lit, the work you choose to analyze can be literary or non-literary, but for IB English Literature the text must be literary.

The HLE will make up  25% of your final IB English HL grade , and it is graded externally. You must choose your own line of inquiry   (i.e. a question that you will answer in your HLE–more on this later).

How do I choose my text for HLE?

Do NOT choose the “easiest” text. Life is always better when you do things you're interested in, and that advice applies to the HLE, too. Choose the literary / non-literary work that interests  you the most, so that you can (semi?)-enjoy the HLE planning and writing process.

You could start by thinking of a theme that you find particularly interesting and determining which text studied in class demonstrates this theme well.

How do I choose my line of inquiry for HLE?

The line of inquiry is the core question that you will answer in your essay. A quick example might be:

"To what extent is masculinity undermined by the characterisation of Little Thomas?"

Now, it's your job to forge your destiny and come up with your own line of inquiry. But it's not a complete free-for all! There are rules. The main rule is that your line of inquiry must fall under one of the 7 main concepts of IB English (see below for a quick summary).

This summary is vague, so let's go in-depth on a couple of these concepts to really show you what you should be doing in the HLE.

Identity is what makes you, YOU. Here are some questions the concern your own personal identity:

• What is your favourite colour? And why is it your favourite?
• What makes you different from others? Why do you think these qualities came to be?
• How would someone describe you in three words?

Now apply this same logic to characters within your text.

• How would you describe this character in three words?
• How do their actions within a text influence your view of their identity?
• How has the author crafted this character to make you view the character in a certain way?

Let's take a look at a concrete example of how we might choose evidence and quotes for a HLE on cultural identity. This example is based on a Vietnamese work in translation “Ru” by author Kim Thúy. For context, “Ru” is an autobiographical fictional account which explores Kim Thúy's move from Vietnam to Canada as an immigrant and her consequent struggles. The structure of her novel is largely lyrical and poetic.

Let's look at a section from her novel that may help us come up with an essay idea based on the concept of Identity. When she returns to Vietnam, she attends a restaurant, however this becomes a major awakening for her in terms of how she views her own personal identity. Kim narrates within her novel:

The first time I carried a briefcase, the first time I went to a restaurant school for young adults in Hanoi, wearing heels and a straight skirt, the waiter for my table didn't understand why I was speaking Vietnamese with him. Page 77, Rú

This is a perfect quote for the Identity concept. Can you see why? Let's think through it together…

Why would the waiter be confused if Kim, a “briefcase”-carrying individual in “heels” and a “straight skirt”, was speaking Vietnamese with him?

What does being “Vietnamese” look like to the waiter? Why does Kim not conform to his expectation? Was it perhaps due to what she was wearing?

Now, if we look at the section which follows this in the novel, we are able to see the impact this had on the character of Kim's sense of identity.

the young waiter reminded me that I couldn't have everything, that I no longer had the right to declare I was Vietnamese because I no longer had their fragility, their uncertainty, their fears. And he was right to remind me. Page 77, Rú

Here, we can clearly see that this character is now questioning her Vietnamese cultural identity. This is just one example that demonstrates the concept of Identity.

Culture seems to be this confusing thing.  Does it have to do with religion? Race? Beliefs? What does it mean? Does the monster from Frankenstein fit into a certain culture?

The easiest way to put it is this:  Culture is the way someone lives. It is their “way of life.” Think of it as an umbrella term. “Culture” can include so many different things; the list just goes on, for example religion, values, customs, beliefs, cuisine, etc.

Now think, how would I form an essay from this concept?

• When you read a text in class, you will notice that authors let you form an opinion on the culture of certain characters or groups within a text, but how is this done?
• How does the author represent the culture of a certain community?
• What types of patterns in daily routines are discussed?

It seems odd writing an essay about “creativity” because… like… how can anyone definitively say what ‘counts' as being creative–or not? When I say the word creativity , I think of new inventions, or maybe those weird and wacky art installations living inside those ‘modern art' museums. But hey, what's creative to me might not be creative to you!

When formulating a HLE on the concept of creativity we have two main pointers for you. Look for:

• Interesting + Unique techniques or literary devices used within a text by the author. You can learn more in the  Learn Analysis section of LitLearn.
• Recurring stylistic choices by the author

Now, for this concept, let's look at how we might select supportive evidence and quotations for a HLE on creativity within the narrative style of author Mary Shelley in “Frankenstein”. The narrative style uses  epistolary narration . This is a narrative technique in which a story is told through letters. This was something that I found both interesting and recurring within Frankenstein, which I believe worked to create a personal touch within the novel.

Additionally, Mary Shelley allows different characters to narrate Frankenstein during different volumes. Let's investigate this! I have written out different character profiles of the narrators below:

These 3 characters, each relate a part of the novel Frankenstein. This is an example of a creative authorial choice that allows us, as readers to explore different points of view within the text. This is just one example of a creative aspect of a text which you can analyze for your HLE.

Representation

Representation is all about how something is  portrayed, conveyed, shown, described, illustrated, depicted . There are many different things that can be ‘represented' within a text, and it doesn't have to be tangible.

For instance, you can look at how a belief, idea or attitude is depicted within a text through different characters or devices.

Again, let's explore a concrete example to make things clear: this time the graphic novel “Persepolis”. We'll consider an HLE on how a text  represents the  impact of political turmoil on society .

Chapter 10 of “Persepolis” highlights societal changes occurring due to the Iranian Revolution. The panels below list the authorial choices relevant to the negative representation of political change in a society. When looking at the techniques highlighted in the slides below, think about how you feel when you look at the panels below. Can you sense a more positive or negative feeling?

Cool, but what do we do to turn all this into an actual HL essay? Here is a sample response. The introduction might begin like this:

In the captivating graphic novel “Persepolis,” the author Marjane Satrapi explores the social and political impacts of the Iranian revolution. In particular, Satrapi conveys a disapproving viewpoint on political turmoil within the text. Throughout the graphic novel, Satrapi carefully represents how social isolation, hypocrisy and confusion is experienced by a young girl living in Tehran, as a result of political turmoil.  Example HLE Introduction

Then, in a body paragraph, on one of the key ideas mentioned above, we could analyze the different literary techniques. For example, Panel 1 is a great representation of the experience of confusion in the midst of political turmoil:

Marji is the younger girl pictured in the panels above. While her parents appear quite concerned by the news on the TV, she appears to not be in full comprehension of the cause for their distress. This is demonstrated by the visual imagery and dialogue, in panel 7, for instance, if you observe the facial expressions by each of the characters. Example of analysis in body paragraph

This is just a short example from one particular text. To help you unpack any text, try look for the following when analyzing chapter to chapter:

• What is the main idea of the chapter?
• Why did the author write it? What purpose does it serve?
• What do you believe is the overarching importance of the passage?

Brainstorming Tips

If you're having trouble picking your text and line of inquiry, then use this simple 20-minute process to brainstorm potential questions for your HLE:

• For each text / non-literary work, go through each concept in the table below.
• Write down a question for each of the two prompts for each category.
• Repeat for all of your texts.
• Pick the question-text combination that has the greatest potential for strong analysis.

How do I ensure my HLE question has a good scope?

Choosing a question with good scope is extremely   important, and it's one of the biggest challenges in the HLE. Here's why:

• If your scope is too broad , you may have too much to write about in order to answer the question, and therefore you won't be able to write deep analysis (which is super important–more on this later…)
• If your scope is too narrow , you may not have enough to write about and end up overanalyzing unnecessary and obscure details. Also something to avoid!

So, to help you get the balance just right , here are three examples of HLE questions, specifically for the concept of  Identity which we mentioned in the table above (by the way, the example is a made-up novel for illustration purposes).

• Too broad: “How does Irene Majov in her novel  Deadly Men effectively make her narrator a powerful mouthpiece?”
• Too narrow: “How does Irene Majov in her novel  Deadly Men effectively make her narrator a powerful mouthpiece for the concerns of Asian-Americans toward discrimination in the workforce in the 21st century?”
• Just right: “How does Irene Majov in her novel  Deadly Men effectively make her narrator a powerful mouthpiece for the concerns of Asian-Americans in the 21st century?”

How to get a 7 on IB English HLE

There are many things that contribute to a 7 in your HLE and your IB English grade overall. But if we had to boil it down to one secret, one essential fact… then it'd have to be this: Get really good at analysis .

Analysis is the key to a 7 in IB English. It doesn't matter if it's Paper 1, Paper 2, HLE, IO… You must learn how to analyze quotes at a deep level, and structure your analysis in a way that flows and delights your teachers and examiners.

Start with the basics

Start with the basic foundations of analysis for free inside LitLearn's Learn Analysis course.

Our free and Pro resources have helped IB English students skyrocket their grade in weeks, days and even overnight...   Learn Analysis for IB English , the simplest guide to a 7 in IB English.

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Finding Quotes

Also, you'll need to find good quotes for your text. Some good sources where you can find relevant quotes include  Goodreads , SparkNotes ,  LitCharts , and Cliffnotes . Of course, you could just find quotes yourself directly–this will ensure your quotes are unique.

Understanding the IB English HLE rubric

An essential step to getting a high mark on the HL Essay is understanding the rubric! It is SO important that you know what IB English examiners are looking for when grading your essay, as this helps you to shape the content of your essay to match (or even exceed) their expectations.

The IB English HL Essay is graded out of 20 marks . There are 4 criteria, each worth 5 marks.

Use the checklist below to make sure you're not making simple mistakes! Note that this is not the official marking criteria, and I strongly recommend that you reading the official rubric provided by your teacher.

Criterion A: Knowledge, understanding, and interpretation

• Accurate summary of text in introduction
• Focused and informative thesis statement
• Effective and relevant quotes
• Relevant and effective summary and ending statement in conclusion

Criterion B: Analysis and evaluation

• Relevant analysis of a variety of stylistic features 
• Relevant analysis of tone and/or atmosphere
• Relevant analysis of broader authorial choices i.e. characterization, point of view, syntax, irony, etc.

Criterion C: Focus, organization, and development

• Introduction, body paragraphs, conclusion
• Organized body paragraphs – topic sentence, evidence, concluding statement/link to question
• Appropriate progression of ideas and arguments in which evidence (i.e. quotes) are effectively implemented

Criterion D: Language

• Use expansions (e.g. “do not”) instead of contractions (e.g. “don't”)
• Use of a variety of connecting phrases e.g. “furthermore”, “nonetheless”, “however”, etc.
• Complete sentence structures and subject-verb agreement
• Correct usage of punctuation
• Appropriate register – no slang
• Historic present tense : the use of present tense when recounting past events. For example, we want to write “In  The Hunger Games , Peeta and Katniss work   together to win as a district” instead of using the word “worked”.
• Avoid flowery/dictionary language just to sound smart; it is distracting and difficult to read. As long as you concisely communicate your message using appropriate language, you will score a high mark under this criterion.

Here's everything we discussed:

• IB English HLE is tough work! Start early.
• Brainstorm using the table of concepts to come up with a strong HLE question. Don't give up on this!
• Analysis is the key to a 7 in IB English HLE (and in fact all IB English assessment). Check out LitLearn's course  Learn Analysis for IB English   for immediate help on the exact steps to improve in IB English analysis.

Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor 💪

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Learn Analysis

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Practice analysis with 60+ short questions and IB7 answers.

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Higher Level Essay

Crash course on HLE basics.

Higher Level Essay

Whether you are an HL Literature student or HL Lang/Lit student, the HLE requires some special attention.  The good thing about this assessment is that it’s a processed – rather than on-demand – piece of writing.  This means you can take your time, put in the work, and produce something that you love and makes you proud.  Our students crush this assessment!  Use the same resources they do and enjoy your success.

HLE Writing Guide

Writing this assessment doesn’t have to be challenging.  In fact, we think it can be fun and rewarding!  Let us guide you through the entire writing process, from line of inquiry to the last word of your conclusion.  Our students do well on this assessment, and so can you.

Part of our  IBDP English A Student Toolkit , this resource includes:

• 100-page course book with guidance on films, photos, cartoons, and many other non-literary BOWs
• 5 sample papers across genres
• Examiner scores and comments
• Line of Inquiry guidance
• Step-by-step approach to building the HLE in small and manageable chunks
• Complete set of graphic organizers to guide students from start to finish

Developing a Line of Inquiry and Thesis

The Line of Inquiry (LOI) and thesis are the cornerstone of the assessment, so don’t proceed until these are under control.  Sadly, many students get off to a poor start with this step, and this means they end up writing either a shallow essay or one that doesn’t really satisfy the requirements of the task.  These videos should help you unlock the task.

Start with a text you love and work toward developing a literary or linguistic perspective. Watch this video and start your pathway to success.

How To Write the Line of Inquiry

If the first method didn't work for you, please try another approach.

How to Write the Line of Inquiry (part 2)

Turn that LoI into a clear, precise, and insightful thesis statement that will drive the essay.

HLE Sample Thesis Statements and Writing

The HLE Complete Course from Start to Finish

We feel this is some of our best work.  Teachers and students around the world have commented that this HLE series gets the job done and results in some powerful writing that makes students proud.  Please take the time and work through the videos sequentially.  Work along side with us.  Let us guide you to HLE success!

Choose your text and write the LOI.

Student planning doc

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Time for brainstorming and outlining.

Student Organizer

Completed Sample Organizer

Master the intro and conclusion.

Sample Intro and Conclusion

Learn how to write strong HLE body paragraphs.

Sample Body Paragraphs

Learn to revise, edit, and polish the final product.

Final instructions before submission

Dave’s complete sample HLE

Some Sample Papers

Sometimes it’s easier to just look at a final product, break it down, and see how other students have approached the HLE.  That’s why Dave and Andrew selected some strong papers, highlighted them, and discussed their strengths and weaknesses.  We’ve examined tons of these things, so listen carefully.  Lots of tips and tricks in these videos to help you pick up some extra points and crack into that mark band you want and deserve.  Understand the task.  Work hard.  Defeat the HLE and allow yourself to beam with pride.  Go ahead, you’ve earned it.

You’ve probably noticed that Andrew and Dave love drama. Dialogue, stage directions, props…they’re amazing! Watch our student crush this HLE on Death and the Maiden by Dorfman. What can you steal from this essay in terms of ideas, organization, and overall approach? Document: HLE Student Sample – Drama

Poetry anyone? Andrew and Dave love poetry for the HLE. They are complete “mini works” with a clear beginning, middle, and end. They are rich in techniques. They are complex and have deep meaning. In short, they rock. Just remember that for the HLE, “short texts need friends.” Document: HLE Student Sample – Poetry

Looking For More Support?

Hey, nobody said this thing would be easy.  No worries.  We’ve got you covered.  Perhaps you want to see some more student writing?  Check.  We’ve got that.  Perhaps you want to know some key points to include?  Check.  We got that too.  You’re almost there!  Finish these last two videos, add some finishing touches to your work, and submit that baby in with pride and confidence.

So you watched the videos above but are still concerned about “showing deep thinking” on the HLE? It’s ok – we know this is tough. Check out this video to see several samples of how to build big thinking into your writing. Document: Showing Deep Thinking in the HLE

We know, we know. The content is overwhelming and it’s just too much at times. You just want the top ten tips for success? Fine. Here you go. But don’t forget to go back and watch the rest of these videos when you’re feeling more energy. They’re a set. Watch them all and ace the HLE.

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Some additional 625Lab submissions with examiner’s feedback:

Write a discursive essay about some of the items you think symbolise the values held by people of your age in Ireland in 2020.

If the young people of Ireland today filled a time capsule to be opened in 100 years, what would it contain? What items could we use to represent us as a generation , and to truly convey our attitudes and values? Of course, values vary from person to person, but, united in the face of adversity, us teens have a clear set of core values we all share namely freedom, our future and ourselves.

First into the capsule would go an empty unlocked cage to represent our unwillingness to be tied down. We are the free birds who cannot be contained. Our generation values freedom. Freedom of speech, political freedom, freedom to be individuals. We are the youth who have begun to break down the constraints placed on us by society. We have smashed gender roles. In 2019, there were over 700 young women serving their time (rephrase, negative connotations) in various apprenticeships across Ireland. This is a dramatic increase from 1990 where there were only 27. We have brushed gender stereotypes aside and stated loud and clear for everyone to hear that we do not conform to sample. The uptake by boys in school subjects that were typically seen as “girly” like home economics and art has skyrocketed. In my school, the male to female ratio in the current sixth-year art class is almost 50/50 which would have been unheard of 50 years ago.

We value strongly the freedom to be ourselves. This was shown through our incredible activeness in the most recent controversial referendums. Although many of us were not even eligible to vote at the time, we still came out in our droves to marches and to social media to educate and campaign for the right to same-sex marriage and the right to choice for women regarding abortions. This not only drove the campaign forward but ensured that factual information was being reposted and made available for those who could vote to allow them to make informed decisions.

The cage is followed by a calendar for the year 2051, the year we will turn fifty, to symbolise our future. The youth of Ireland have shown time and time again that we value dearly our future and the future of our children and grandchildren. In September, over 10,000 secondary school students gathered in Dublin to make a stand against climate change. We demanded of the government to do something to help stop the rapid decline of our ecosystems. They reluctantly listened to our desperate pleas to help salvage our earth and our future. Greta Thunberg, the idol of many, embodies our generations undying determination to ensure we have a future to look forward to. This desire to carve a solid future for ourselves carried through into the 2020 general election for many of us the first time we were eligible to vote. The voice of the youth emerged loud and clear. Not only was turnout among 18-24 higher than average, but a definite message emerged. It was clear from the massive increase in support towards left-wing parties such as Sinn Féin and The Green Party (just under 50% of 18-24 year olds voted for either Sinn Féin or the Green Party as their first preference) that there was an appetite for change. This call for change was driven by our desire to protect our education, our job prospects, our economy and most importantly our future which we value so dearly. (You have to explain why left-wing parties do this – you cannot assume that the examiner will take your assertion as a given, or better yet, talk about the specific policies that you support – this way you can make a substantiated argument rather than generalise).

Finally into the time capsule goes a mirror because we as a generation value what we see in that mirror, we value ourselves. This is a characteristic which many of the older generation seem to reflect on negatively. We are seen to be self-absorbed and selfie-crazed and don’t aline with typical ideas of Irish humility. We have pride in ourselves and have a strong sense of self-worth. We unapologetically post photos of ourselves online all the time, we take pride in our achievements on Linkedin and, most importantly, we don’t take any nonsense from anyone (it’s no surprise us 18 year olds in Ireland have the highest swipe left rate in Europe on tinder, we know our worth). However, not only do we value what we see in that mirror, but we value what that mirror allows us to do. We are the generation of self-reflection. While we love and value ourselves, at the same time, we are not afraid to reflect inwards and critique ourselves in order to better ourselves.

Our generation’s values represented in three items ; : an empty cage, a calendar and a mirror. Symbols of freedom, of the future and of ourselves. What will these people of the future think of us? They will probably think that we’re so old-fashioned and uncool. However, I take great pride in my people. It’s tough to be eighteen these days (this is a new point and it shouldn’t be introduced in the conclusion) , but I take solace in the fact that we have each other and understand each other. We’re comrades, and with these strong values, we have a bright future ahead of us.

Lots of potentially controversial assertions which is refreshing, but many are left without backing arguments which isn’t ideal in a discursive essay. Essay should be about 25% longer. Some punctuation errors

10-M-8- 71/100

Write a short story in which the central character’s status as an outsider as a direct influence on the plot.

There isn’t a cloud in the sky as I make my way over the rocky, rough terrain beneath me. My feet hurt, but I do not care. The cuts and bruises on my feet are a small price to pay for an opportunity many of my friends would give their life for; a chance to go to school. I am one of the lucky ones. My school friends are not like my village friends. They wear nice clothes, they drive ostentatious cars and they have white skin. They are the sons of the United Nations ‘representatives’, the bankers and the government officials. They all have fathers in their lives; they are some of the lucky ones. I love going to school, but nothing beats being greeted by my friends from the village. From the time we were young, we always worked together to survive, bound together by paternal absenteeism as the common factor. None of us are fortunate enough to have fathers present in our lives, however something separates me apart from them. I can remember my father’s face. I am one of the lucky ones. Today is different. My maths teacher keeps making mistakes and my German teacher is making mistakes she has never made before. My English and Music teachers never showed up to class. I consult with Jose, my friend: “What do you think is going on?” He looks puzzled, and replies: “How bizarre…” As I step outside of my class for my break, I notice a cloud of dust fill the horizon ahead. Occasionally, a motorbike would pass the school and leave behind a small, insignificant trail of dust. This cloud is the size of Hiroshima in comparison. The cloud enlarges as it’s ambiguous(L) creator approaches my school. I can feel my heart beating in my chest, I feel there is something wrong. I look to my right and notice Jose gazing in the same direction with a look of concern on his face. The creator of the mushroom-shaped cloud of dust is a series of SUVs. I now count 6(L) blacked out SUVs storming into the schoolyard, coming to a halt in the playground. I notice something which sends shockwaves through my whole body. My knees begin to tremble and my heart rate accelerates beyond a measurable rate. The registration plates are red – they belong to the government. Rumour has it they only visit the village once before.(L) My uncle warned me of the plates but refused to go into detail about what happened in the last visit; he told me to run. But there is nowhere to run. If I leave my school now, I will never be allowed return – after all, I am an outsider(Too blunt). The ‘benevolent’ authorities wouldn’t think twice about dismissing me. Over a dozen men dressed in plain clothes step out of the SUVs. They don’t wear suits and they don’t wear khaki uniforms, so they aren’t politicians and they’re aren’t the military. One of the men fires a series of shots into the air, filling my body with anxiety-induced adrenaline. Teachers, students and groundskeepers are lined up in front of the SUVs, like lambs ready for the slaughter(How?). But there are no more gunshots. A short man steps out of an SUV and sends the guards into a position of attention. The yard goes silent as his aura takes over the room. Even the guards look uneasy as the man struts in my direction. Every second feels like an hour as I know I am the only black boy here – I am an outsider(Too blunt). I look into the mysterious man’s wild blue eyes and they tell me all I need to know – this man has a history of violence. Without warning(L) I am bundled into an SUV and leave my friends and teachers behind me. They are some of the luckiest ones. The road is smooth, which can only mean one thing; we are heading north. The men flanking me on either side are not exactly bursting with friendliness, so I do not dare ask where we are headed. My faith lies in the hands of some very dark people. The thought that I may never see my friends again brings a tear to my eye. Darkness has fallen now and I exit the SUV. The ground is rough and dusty once again. The moon is the only source of light as the car beams are switched off. How unusual. I walk for some time until we reach a sudden hole in the ground. “Climb down and crawl for 1 hour”. I approach the ladder sceptically, but the guard is having none of it and kicks me head first into the hole. Ahead of me is an endless tunnel, barely large enough for me to crawl through. I climb up a battered ladder to escape and notice a sign that reads: “BORDER – 1KM”. Fear and confusion collide as I try to make sense of what is going on. I am kicked backed down into the hole once again. “Crawl” orders the guard with contempt, “our colleague will meet you at the other side”. Only god can save me now. The 1,000m crawl drains the life out of me. As I ascend from the tunnel, I am blinded by a powerful beam from above. The sound of a vicious bark and sirens fill my ears. Suddenly, the sound of tires against dirt takes over. A man with dark skin jumps out of a sedan: “Get in!”. The beam shifts it’s(L) focus to the car, illuminating it’s (L)sport design. I scramble into the back seat of the car and the car accelerates before I even have time to sit up. The man turns to face me and my body goes into shock. I open my mouth, but no words come out. My father is staring me in the face. He hands me what appears to be a passport of some kind. “Welcome to the United States of America” he announces to me, with a warm smile on his face. I am one of the lucky ones.

A good plot, Character needs to be drawn in a more subtle way, I am an outsider is too blunt, show that he is an outsider, don’t tell. There should be more description. Create the setting which will highlight that he is an outsider- how is he treated by others, interactions, contrast of skin colour. A lot happens, pare it back- is the walk to school necessary, how is the difference highlighted.

Show don’t tell is key in a short story.

(L) shows awkward expression or incorrect punctuation

10-M-10- 69/100

“Paul Durcan gives us insights into human experience, using language that is both accessible and appealing.”

Durcan provides the reader with accounts of deeply personal and intimate human experiences. He adopts an autobiographical approach and tells his stories in an emotionally honest and unreserved manner. Durcan’s accessible language greatly appeals to his readers, he uses the syntax of conversational speech which leads to immediate impact with the reader.(L) Durcan makes effective use of metaphorical language to make his poetry more accessible to the reader. He recounts stories dealing with themes such as romantic love, family and marriage in his poems: ‘Nessa’, ‘The Girl with the Keys to Pearse’s Cottage’, ‘ ‘Windfall’, 8 Parnell Hill, Cork’, Sport’ and ‘The Difficulty that is Marriage’.

Durcan’s poem ‘Nessa’ highlights the human experience of romantic love. The poem portrays the excitement that so often marks the beginning of a new relationship and illustrates the strength and power of women. “She took me by the index finger/ And dropped me in her well”, Durcan’s complex use of language may(Be decisive) indicate that the index finger is sexually suggestive and her “well” may signify initiation into sex. Durcan makes repetitive use of the image of a whirlpool as a metaphor to capture the dizzying, headlong feeling of excitement that often accompanies a new relationship. “And that was a whirlpool, that was a whirlpool, And I very nearly drowned.” A “whirlpool” may also allude to the danger, euphoria and loss of control felt by the poet who so helplessly fell in love with Nessa. This image is accessible and appealing to the readers of his poetry.(Why is it accessible?) The questions add a persuasive element to the intensity of Durcan’s conversational style. “Will you stay with me on the rocks?/ Will you come for me into the Irish Sea/ And for me let your red hair down?” The image of the poet inviting Nessa to follow him and unveil her innermost feelings appears so unreserved and honest and certainly exposes the human experience of delving deeper into a serious relationship.

A poem that contrasts with the feelings shown in ‘Nessa’,(L) ‘The Difficulty that is Marriage’ acts as a tense and difficult recount of an emotional human experience. The opening line “We disagree to disagree, we divide, we differ” thrusts the reader into a scene: a married couple in discord. The alliteration helps to add to the image of difficulty as so stated in the title of this poem. While there is tension between the couple, their relationship is ultimately a positive one. The poet honestly admits that he cannot believe his luck that this woman is in his life. “Yet each night as I lie in bed beside you/ And you are faraway curled up in sleep/ I array the moonlit ceiling with a mosaic of question marks” This image is distant and even tense yet “curled up” is an affectionate way to describe someone’s sleep. Durcan writes in a tragicomic way when he writes “But I do not put you on a pedestal or thrown(M)” demonstrating his deep insight into the human experience, acknowledging his wife realistically and not idealising her. Yet he claims to be incapable of seeing any of her faults “you must have your faults but I do not see them.” which is the very definition of putting someone on a pedestal. Perhaps he is indicating that despite her flaws, he wants to stay with her because of the depth of his feelings.(Link to the question throughout)

A poem with a similar theme, ‘The Girl with the Keys to Pearse’s Cottage’, capture the intensity and passion of the accessible human experience of teenage love. The theme of emigration and it being a necessity in order to survive is hinted at in this poem, which was not the dream of Padraig Pearse. The language throughout the poem is very clear, almost explanatory at times. “When I was sixteen I met a dark girl; her dark hair was darker because her smile was so bright; she was the girl with the keys to Pearse’s Cottage” The “Keys to Pearse’s Cottage” could be a symbol for the Irish language or something else related to Ireland. The poet is clearly smitten by the striking young Cait, remembering her not only for her physical beauty but also her posture and the outfits she wore. “Hands by her side and brown legs akimbo;/ in sun-red skirt and moon black blazer” There is an image of longing; the poet sitting in the rushy field while the object of his affection sits on the window sill staring out distractedly at the world. “She was America-bound at summers end. She had no choice but to leave her home··· You have gone with your keys from your own native place” The saddened tone referring to her leaving for America is emphasised by the repetition of her name. “O Cait Killainn, O Cait Killainn. The speaker is also reflecting bleakly on this emigration: they had no future, she had no choice but to leave her own native place. She is gone with the keys, whatever the keys symbolise, it sounds like the poet feels as though he is losing something. The experience is described very realistically and resonates with the Irish reader.

Another human experience that Durcan gives us great insights into is that of family. In the poem ‘Sport’, Durcan addresses his father, with whom he had a difficult relationship. This poem differs from Durcan’s usual style as he adopts a direct approach that focuses on a single memory. “there were not many fields in which you had high hopes for me but sport was one of them”. This opening line gives us rich insights into the poet’s relationship with his father. The line contains a pun: “fields” could refer to areas of practice but it could also mean a physical field for team sports. The poet is tragically indulging in the awareness of his father’s disapproval through this play on words. Durcan is touchingly eager to please his father and not disappoint him. “ I was fearful I would let down/ not only my team but you.” It is possible that there is a hidden allegory in the image of “the alcoholic solicitor who··· castrated his best friend” perhaps the poet is suggesting that his father hurt and emasculated him, despite his affection, without fully understanding what he was doing, meaning well and not having any recollection of it.

In the poem ‘ ‘Windfall’, 8 Parnell Hill, Cork’, Durcan is interested in helping us see how the profound and sublime can be found in the relatable human experience of being at home. “I felt elected, steeped, sovereign to be able to say – I am going home.” The speaker expresses how privileged he feels to have a home to go to. Durcan also passes critical commentary on the country saying that Ireland is an unequal society, a place where “all the children of the country are not cherished equally and ··· the best go homeless” The poem gives us a strong sense of the poet’s personality and character. The lines are at times painfully honest and they feature many very personal thoughts, memories, and feelings which are all the more appealing to the reader.

In conclusion, Durcan’s poetry provides the reader with gripping accounts of the poet’s life experiences which are made more accessible and appealing due to their simple, yet complex style (have you dealt with this aspect in the answer?)and their emotionally honest nature. His use of imagery and metaphorical language (has this been proven?)helps to engage the reader and make his poetry more relatable with the assistance of his conversational language.

Answer deals with content and style. Questions must be central throughout, why is it accessible and appealing?

Avoid labelling elements. Ensure conclusion is relevant to content of answer.

As you have used 5 poems, their treatment is not as detailed as it could be .

L is of a good standard. More variety.

Write a personal essay in which you reflect on some of the places that have helped to shape and define you, and the significance of these places in your life.

Credit: Ava Lehane

To begin, life is no fairy-tale. I would relate the first eighteen years of my life to playing a video game, ‘New Super Mario Bros,’(NSMB) in particular. Some worlds were enchanting and magical, others you couldn’t wait to escape, whilst some presented immense challenges. In the past eighteen years, I’ve lived in four houses, travelled to seven countries and along the way, many places have left their mark on me.

First up, I was born on (in) the ‘Emerald Isle’. I’ve lived here all my life, it’s the only home I’ve ever known. I will always be Irish, and nobody can take that away from me. Personally, my nationality gives me a sense of identity and belonging. When filling in forms, I’ll always tick that Irish box. Knowing the history of my ancestors, their strength and resilience to withstand the British onslaught, makes me proud. I am proud to be Irish! Our struggles throughout the years have inspired me to respect those who work hard, dream big and chase those dreams. The likes of Pádraig Pearse and the other nineteen-sixteen leaders have engrained (ingrained) in me a love for the Irish language, Gaeilge, and my country. If I go abroad, I’ll nearly always be welcome as “Everyone loves the Irish.” At international soccer matches, Irish fans are renowned for their great spirit despite their failures on the pitch. I’m thrilled to be part of a country that always gives their all despite the limited talent in the squad. There are many positives about Ireland that have shaped and defined my life, however there are also negatives. Drinking is very popular in the Irish culture and we are famous for Guinness etc. across the world. My decision to avoid drink will always be looked down on in certain Irish communities and potentially judged as weird abroad, but even so, this Ireland is the most significant place in my life as it is, and I will always consider it, my home. (There’s possibly too much going on in this section – Place and Irishness is a good start – but its not a discursive essay so the negatives and effort to balance your argument aren’t necessary here in a personal essay. It could also be suggested that this ‘irishness’ perhaps run as a theme throughout the piece. It’d be a lovely opening paragraph – as I’m unsure yet as to the relevance of the Super Mario section. Both are good, but both don’t sit well together)

More specifically, Crosshaven, my beautiful, coastal village…. within Ireland, this will always be my home. (sentence needs restructuring – it’s clumsy) Its stunning (,) coastal scenery, sandy beaches and small village square make it a delightful place to live. It’s also home to the oldest soccer club in Cork. Cork harbour is the third biggest natural harbour in the world. Living by the sea has ignited an everlasting love and appreciation for nature. (Description or anecdote could be included here) The peaceful and relaxed nature of my village make it the dream world to live or ‘play’ in. The community spirit shown in my village, especially around Christmas time, is a lovely benefit of living in a small place. Last December, crowds flocked to the village for the annual turning on of the Christmas lights. The lights create a charming, welcoming atmosphere. I’m happy to be a part of this community spirit and I will always treasure the collectiveness. (Why? There needs to be reflection here.)

Next, my four houses have all been pivotal in shaping me as a person. They are significant in my life because they’ve been my home down through the years. (Reason needs to be more developed) Living in four different houses taught me how to recognise my real home. Not every house is as homely as your home. (This idea deserves development, particularly as your few sentences on it are poignant) My first house is defined by the limited memory of four-year-old me and photos. My earliest house fostered my love for art. I may have decorated my bedroom walls with some lovely marker scribbles. It’s also the only place I remember my parents being truly happy together.

My second house has golden, yellow walls and used to have maroon eyebrows above the windows – my mum destroyed them! Situated in an estate, it is surrounded by the homes of my childhood friends. In our massive back garden, us kids explored the world without going beyond the walls of my back yard. I have endless happy memories of my life here, however, every house has two sides, the outside and the inside. Inner turmoil existed in my darling home. This home will also forevermore represent the vulnerability and fragility of life. There’s no point denying it, I will always be a child of a broken home. I remember tears, tears and more tears, pretending my allergies had acted up to hide the red circles surrounding my eyes as I left to visit my father. I remember looking out my window, up at the big, blue sky, thinking thoughts that no child should ever think. As a result, I will always be fearful of relationships as I never want to see a child’s innocence stolen, their world shattered in two, like mine was. I am petrified of conflict, the slightest bit of tension ignites my childhood fear. This has heavily contributed to my “goody two shoes” status – I will do anything to please people and avoid conflict. As I grew older, I saw the aftermath of destruction, the strength it takes to rebuild a life and remain strong for those who you love. I witnessed my mum fight, not only for her life, but also that of my brother and I. Times were dark and full of uncertainty, but the sun came out and to this day, still shines on our golden, yellow walls. Reflecting on my life in my home, it has no doubt defined some key aspects of my character, however, it also gives me courage to take on challenges and continue to defy the odds. I learned at a young age that life is no fairy-tale and I guess that’s why as a young girl, I never wanted to be a princess! (A very good paragraph, strong sense of the personal and reflection upon it)

My third house was my definition of ‘Bowser’s Castle.’ It was the culmination of my fear, isolated from society, surrounded by a wood of terrifying trees, a lonely big house, no joy and no kids. Every night, I’d wake up screeching my head off. Then I’d lay awake shivering with fear. My watch was my only consolation. I watched time tick by until it was an acceptable hour to disturb my brother and get him to keep me company. During the day, I refused to be alone in a room, bathrooms being the only exception. I wished my weekends away and treasured school days. To this day, I struggle to describe how horrid it was. As a young kid, I’d come home crying with relief to be back home. I couldn’t explain my terror even then. I used to curse my mum for sending me away like a suitcase, it was the only way I could express my anguish. All good things come to an end, and to my relief, all bad things too. I remember the joy of conquering ‘Bowser’s Castle’ with my friends and a similar joy was felt when I realised, I would never return to my haunted hell. All these years later, I admire the strength I displayed during those difficult years. I think I’m a better person as a result of those struggles, they helped me realise the damage words could do. My words and actions probably tortured my mum who was helpless in this situation. I developed a more considerate nature and I am slow to verbally assault people which is pretty common of teenagers. (Meaning unclear – maybe contradicting?)

(Although obviously very personal, this section needs more work to develop the idea of a metaphorical rather than a concrete place. There is a lack of coherence in the reference to Bowsers Castle as you haven’t referenced places from Super Mario World in the previous sections – perhaps it’d be an idea to do so? How the ‘developed a more considerate nature / damage words can do’ aspects of the place existed / were dealt with requires a lot more clarity)

My fourth house is nothing special, but it taught me about the harmony of life. When you read ‘Cinderella’ as a kid, you kind of expect all stepmothers to be wicked witches. (Why a new motif? Is there anything from Super Mario? Or else use the fairytale theme/motif throughout) However, my dad’s second wife is definitely not an evil witch! Through their relationship, I got gifted my little, darling Spencer. He’s a dog (don’t worry!) – I’m not sure how I’d take to a screaming baby while trying to study for the dreaded Leaving Cert! The five of us living together, two teenagers, an anxiety struck dog (who’s also a rejected Christmas present), a workaholic and my dad’s wife, is interesting to say the least. I’ve learned to accept my dysfunctional family and appreciate it for what it is because truthfully, I’m one of the lucky ones – two birthdays, two Christmases etc. They are the definition of my family and nothing will change that! (remember the focus of the personal essay: places that have helped shape and define you – this is just a description of family here in this section, it’ll need a much more specific focus: Remember the P in PCLM.)

There are definitely some similarities between my life and video games, but the one big difference is, you know when a video game is about to end but life that’s a bit less certain. I’m a firm believer in “Once you stop learning, you start dying,” as Einstein once said so every place I go, I try to learn something from it. That way, every single place has left some little mark on me, however small. The places discussed above had the most significant effect in shaping and defining me as a person. Conclusion needs to link your places and use either the Super Mario, Irishness or Fairytale theme to remind the reader in the final paragraph where those places were and the lessons learnt / the shaping of your character / worldview.

There are moments of super Personal writing here and some reflection, but it is very disjointed. There is however a strong sense of personal ‘voice’ and the reader is encouraged to read on.

If anything, there’s probably too much in it. Omit the Irishness, develop the houses and remember the focus: Places. House 2 is well evoked and a strong sense of personal writing is delivered here.

Aspects of cultural context affect the extent to which a character can be happy or successful within the world of text.

Analysing cultural context for my comparative study has played an important role in my appreciation of texts by interpreting how the values and attitudes towards gender roles, love and marriage and social class affect the extent of the characters happiness and success. I was able to gain a deeper understanding as to why these characters act the way they do. I am grateful to see how far society has progressed over time and I have also become more sensitive to how I perceive others as we can all be shaped by the world around us. The texts I studied for my comparative study are, ‘The Great Gatsby’ (GG) by F. Scott Fitzgerald, ‘Brooklyn’ (B) by John Crowley and ‘A Dolls House’ (ADH) by Henrique Ibsen.

The first aspect of cultural context I will discuss is love and marriage. The view of love and marriage in B is evidently very positive and is based completely on mutual trust, respect and understanding. We see the importance of marriage in Eilis’ life through her relationship with Tony in New York. The relationship they build is based on a genuine view of love and neither Tony nor Eilis are in love with a dream but rather a reality. Eilis moves to Brooklyn to better herself, have greater opportunities and to become successful. Tony adores Eilis and supports her in her efforts to better herself. It is clear that they both make each other happy and are good for each other. Eilis also loves Tony for his constant support and kindness. There is no materialistic intentions in their relationship but instead they both try to better each other and become very happy. (Consider vocabulary usage here – ‘better oneself’ is used a lot. Consider rephrasing.what exactly does ‘better oneself’ mean in this culture and is it really the aspect you set out to discuss at the start of the paragraph?)   In contrast, the views of love and marriage in ADH and GG are very unequal and materialistic. (or are the views skewed or tainted because the expectations of the characters or the time are unequal or materialistic?) We see a lot of deception in both GG and ADH. Gatsby and Torvald are similar in that they both seem to believe that their loved ones life outside of the relationship is important. The love affair between Gatsby and Daisy was never a healthy relationship, Gatsby fails to see Daisy for who she really is and instead focused on the idea of her. Gatsby desperately clings to the dream of Daisy as the beautiful young girl he fell for before the war. He is in denial that Daisy is already married to Tom. It is not a genuine or true love that Gatsby has for Daisy, (why not?) which differs hugely from B, but is in the same manner that can be seen in ADH. Torvald also believes that Nora’s life should revolve around him and he treats her more like a child than a partner, ‘tarantella’, ‘skylark’, ‘squirrel’. (whats the significance of these terms?) Nora is not happy herself in the relationship, but feels responsible to keep Torvald happy. We see this when Nora and Mrs. Linde are discussing the loan and Nora stresses how important it is for Torvald not to find out ‘our beautiful happy home would no longer be what it is now’. She feels responsible for Torvalds happiness and success as an individual while there is no happiness or success in their relationship due to the inequality and deception. (this is a good point but needs more development, either through a key moment or your personal response to it.)  GG and ADH both offer bleak portrayals of love with little to no happiness in either relationships.

Another aspect of cultural context which I think had a big affect (effect) on the happiness and success in the characters’ lives is social class. At the time the play ADH was written, Norway was enjoying a thriving economy, which enabled the rise of the middle class. One could better their life with hard work but may (many?) become obsessed with money as a result. The Helmers have known what it is like to be short of money and Torvald fears losing their social standing. ( More context info required here) Nora knows that if the secret of the loan came out, this could be the result, which would infuriate Torvald, so it was of paramount importance to keep it in the dark. When Torvald does find out about the loan and Nora confronts him, he believes the personal sacrifice will be worth it. (This should be clarified as a key moment and in the discussion of why it is important deal with the issue of social class/ social status) He is not too distracted by the loss of his wife but by the damage it will do to his reputation. While they place so much importance on their success in ADH, it does not mean happiness for them, as they are too materialistic and worried about their social standing to actually enjoy any of their successes in life. (Overwordy and does not explain / express anything – repetitive) The world of ADH is one in which keeping one’s place on the social ladder is so vital that it excuses any amount of hypocrisy or personal misery, meaning they can never truly be happy. (This is very vague, it needs context/key moment and explanation) This is similar to the view of social class in GG. While Gatsby was born into a poor family, he is desperate to pursue his dreams of becoming a member of the wealthy elite. Gatsby does become wealthy, but he never succeeds in shaking off his lower class background. Those who have recently risen in society ‘new money’, are seen as unsophisticated and flashy. Tom who is ‘old money’ scornfully describes Gatsby as ‘Mr. Nobody from Nowhere’. When Gatsby dies, only Nick and one other person from his new social circle bothered to attend his funeral. Daisy, who Gatsby spent so long trying to impress with his new upper class life, doesn’t even acknowledge his death. Ultimately, Gatsby’s efforts to challenge the snobbery and rigid social hierarchy of his time had failed. He was so focused on moving up on social ladder, he found no happiness and ultimately failed. This is a very good point and deserves comparison with Brooklyn as the piece on ADH is very generalised. Eilis’s straightforward approach to her position in society set her apart from both Torvald and Gatsby. She does not try to be something she is not and she has little time for any sort of snobbery, for example, she is impatient with the cliquish nature of the rugby club in her home town. Eilis is unwilling to buy into certain social climbing strategies and instead determines to make her own way in life. Eilis is neither a snob like Torvlad nor a social climber like Gatsby, and in my opinion, this is how Eilis becomes happy in life. (ADH needs work, but you’ve made good points on G & B. Remember to take a character – in ADH it was very vague as to whose perspective / stance you were comparing. Does social class / obsession with social standing help or hinder Nora’s happiness? Or is there a better comparison with the other texts to be made by using Torvald in this instance?)

Gender roles have a big impact on each of 5 characters happiness. GG is set in a time where women enjoyed more freedom than before, but nevertheless, they were still restricted with a double standard. Daisy is bitterly aware of the difficulties of being a woman in a male dominated world. She tells Nick that when her daughter was born, she said, ‘I hope she’ll be a fool -that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool’. However she still elects to stay with Tom, despite his cheating ways. Tom shows men’s hypocritical attitude towards women. Although Tom himself is having an affair, he is annoyed that Daisy knows Gatsby, ‘I may be old fashioned in my ideas but women run around too much these days to suits me’. Daisy may resent the gender inequality she is faced with but she does nothing to try change it. (How do you know she resents the gender inequality? More context/depth required here) Women’s lives are a lot more restricted in ADH compared to GG. Although Nora is an adult, she is treated like a child by her husband. Just as Daisy is aware that the easiest way for women to cope is to simply to be a ‘beautiful little fool’. Nora knows that it suits Torvald to play up to his ‘doll play’. Torvald calls Nora his little ‘squirrel’ as if silliness was an attractive quality in a woman, and loves to speak to her in a patronising manner. However, Nora differs from Daisy as she decides to rejects her restrictive gender role and strike out on her own. Although Nora’s decision is difficult, her courage is admirable. She was not happy in her restrictive relationship and knew something had too (sp)change if she wanted to be happy. B contrasts a lot from ADH and GG. (Expression: It differs from or it contrasts with) Women are more independent, educated and free to support themselves. Both Lacey sister train as bookkeepers. (Isn’t there an expectation though to get married, for a man to look after them, or even an expectation to look after the mothers?) Tony is really encouraging to Eilis to better herself, (on the) contrary to the men in ADH and GG. (Expression: again, using the bettering oneself idea – which has been used already, so try to avoid repetition with an earlier point. Use ‘contrary to’ rather than ‘on the contrary to’) Both Torvald and Tom want to control their wives, while Tony clearly doesn’t expect to control Eilis, ultimately leading to Eilis being more successful to (Expression ‘than’) Nora or Daisy. (This needs development)

Through my study of the extent to which a character can be happy or successful within the world of text, my comprehension of the cultural context was greatly enhanced. (Is this what the question is asking? Is it asking if your comprehension was enhanced? What exactly does that mean? ) As a result of my extensive studies of love and marriage, social class and gender roles I received a better insight into the world and society at the time. (Extensive is an issue. Extensive requires key moments or specific incidents within a text which highlight how gender or love or social status affected the character in such a way as to help or hinder their happiness or success)

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10 Personal Statement Essay Examples That Worked

What’s covered:, what is a personal statement.

• Essay 1: Summer Program
• Essay 2: Being Bangladeshi-American
• Essay 3: Why Medicine
• Essay 4: Love of Writing
• Essay 5: Starting a Fire
• Essay 6: Dedicating a Track
• Essay 7: Body Image and Eating Disorders
• Essay 8: Becoming a Coach
• Essay 9: Eritrea
• Essay 10: Journaling
• Is Your Personal Statement Strong Enough?

Your personal statement is any essay that you must write for your main application, such as the Common App Essay , University of California Essays , or Coalition Application Essay . This type of essay focuses on your unique experiences, ideas, or beliefs that may not be discussed throughout the rest of your application. This essay should be an opportunity for the admissions officers to get to know you better and give them a glimpse into who you really are.

In this post, we will share 10 different personal statements that were all written by real students. We will also provide commentary on what each essay did well and where there is room for improvement, so you can make your personal statement as strong as possible!

Please note: Looking at examples of real essays students have submitted to colleges can be very beneficial to get inspiration for your essays. You should never copy or plagiarize from these examples when writing your own essays. Colleges can tell when an essay isn’t genuine and will not view students favorably if they plagiarized. 

Personal Statement Examples

Essay example #1: exchange program.

The twisting roads, ornate mosaics, and fragrant scent of freshly ground spices had been so foreign at first. Now in my fifth week of the SNYI-L summer exchange program in Morocco, I felt more comfortable in the city. With a bag full of pastries from the market, I navigated to a bus stop, paid the fare, and began the trip back to my host family’s house. It was hard to believe that only a few years earlier my mom was worried about letting me travel around my home city on my own, let alone a place that I had only lived in for a few weeks. While I had been on a journey towards self-sufficiency and independence for a few years now, it was Morocco that pushed me to become the confident, self-reflective person that I am today.

As a child, my parents pressured me to achieve perfect grades, master my swim strokes, and discover interesting hobbies like playing the oboe and learning to pick locks. I felt compelled to live my life according to their wishes. Of course, this pressure was not a wholly negative factor in my life –– you might even call it support. However, the constant presence of my parents’ hopes for me overcame my own sense of desire and led me to become quite dependent on them. I pushed myself to get straight A’s, complied with years of oboe lessons, and dutifully attended hours of swim practice after school. Despite all these achievements, I felt like I had no sense of self beyond my drive for success. I had always been expected to succeed on the path they had defined. However, this path was interrupted seven years after my parents’ divorce when my dad moved across the country to Oregon.

I missed my dad’s close presence, but I loved my new sense of freedom. My parents’ separation allowed me the space to explore my own strengths and interests as each of them became individually busier. As early as middle school, I was riding the light rail train by myself, reading maps to get myself home, and applying to special academic programs without urging from my parents. Even as I took more initiatives on my own, my parents both continued to see me as somewhat immature. All of that changed three years ago, when I applied and was accepted to the SNYI-L summer exchange program in Morocco. I would be studying Arabic and learning my way around the city of Marrakesh. Although I think my parents were a little surprised when I told them my news, the addition of a fully-funded scholarship convinced them to let me go.

I lived with a host family in Marrakesh and learned that they, too, had high expectations for me. I didn’t know a word of Arabic, and although my host parents and one brother spoke good English, they knew I was there to learn. If I messed up, they patiently corrected me but refused to let me fall into the easy pattern of speaking English just as I did at home. Just as I had when I was younger, I felt pressured and stressed about meeting their expectations. However, one day, as I strolled through the bustling market square after successfully bargaining with one of the street vendors, I realized my mistake. My host family wasn’t being unfair by making me fumble through Arabic. I had applied for this trip, and I had committed to the intensive language study. My host family’s rules about speaking Arabic at home had not been to fulfill their expectations for me, but to help me fulfill my expectations for myself. Similarly, the pressure my parents had put on me as a child had come out of love and their hopes for me, not out of a desire to crush my individuality.

As my bus drove through the still-bustling market square and past the medieval Ben-Youssef madrasa, I realized that becoming independent was a process, not an event. I thought that my parents’ separation when I was ten had been the one experience that would transform me into a self-motivated and autonomous person. It did, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t still have room to grow. Now, although I am even more self-sufficient than I was three years ago, I try to approach every experience with the expectation that it will change me. It’s still difficult, but I understand that just because growth can be uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s not important.

What the Essay Did Well

This is a nice essay because it delves into particular character trait of the student and how it has been shaped and matured over time. Although it doesn’t focus the essay around a specific anecdote, the essay is still successful because it is centered around this student’s independence. This is a nice approach for a personal statement: highlight a particular trait of yours and explore how it has grown with you.

The ideas in this essay are universal to growing up—living up to parents’ expectations, yearning for freedom, and coming to terms with reality—but it feels unique to the student because of the inclusion of details specific to them. Including their oboe lessons, the experience of riding the light rail by themselves, and the negotiations with a street vendor helps show the reader what these common tropes of growing up looked like for them personally. 

Another strength of the essay is the level of self-reflection included throughout the piece. Since there is no central anecdote tying everything together, an essay about a character trait is only successful when you deeply reflect on how you felt, where you made mistakes, and how that trait impacts your life. The author includes reflection in sentences like “ I felt like I had no sense of self beyond my drive for success, ” and “ I understand that just because growth can be uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s not important. ” These sentences help us see how the student was impacted and what their point of view is.

What Could Be Improved

The largest change this essay would benefit from is to show not tell. The platitude you have heard a million times no doubt, but for good reason. This essay heavily relies on telling the reader what occurred, making us less engaged as the entire reading experience feels more passive. If the student had shown us what happens though, it keeps the reader tied to the action and makes them feel like they are there with the student, making it much more enjoyable to read. 

For example, they tell us about the pressure to succeed their parents placed on them: “ I pushed myself to get straight A’s, complied with years of oboe lessons, and dutifully attended hours of swim practice after school.”  They could have shown us what that pressure looked like with a sentence like this: “ My stomach turned somersaults as my rattling knee thumped against the desk before every test, scared to get anything less than a 95. For five years the painful squawk of the oboe only reminded me of my parents’ claps and whistles at my concerts. I mastered the butterfly, backstroke, and freestyle, fighting against the anchor of their expectations threatening to pull me down.”

If the student had gone through their essay and applied this exercise of bringing more detail and colorful language to sentences that tell the reader what happened, the essay would be really great. 

Table of Contents

Essay Example #2: Being Bangladeshi-American

Life before was good: verdant forests, sumptuous curries, and a devoted family.

Then, my family abandoned our comfortable life in Bangladesh for a chance at the American dream in Los Angeles. Within our first year, my father was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. He lost his battle three weeks before my sixth birthday. Facing a new country without the steady presence of my father, we were vulnerable — prisoners of hardship in the land of the free. We resettled in the Bronx, in my uncle’s renovated basement. It was meant to be our refuge, but I felt more displaced than ever. Gone were the high-rise condos of West L.A.; instead, government projects towered over the neighborhood. Pedestrians no longer smiled and greeted me; the atmosphere was hostile, even toxic. Schoolkids were quick to pick on those they saw as weak or foreign, hurling harsh words I’d never heard before.

Meanwhile, my family began integrating into the local Bangladeshi community. I struggled to understand those who shared my heritage. Bangladeshi mothers stayed home while fathers drove cabs and sold fruit by the roadside — painful societal positions. Riding on crosstown buses or walking home from school, I began to internalize these disparities. During my fleeting encounters with affluent Upper East Siders, I saw kids my age with nannies, parents who wore suits to work, and luxurious apartments with spectacular views. Most took cabs to their destinations: cabs that Bangladeshis drove. I watched the mundane moments of their lives with longing, aching to plant myself in their shoes. Shame prickled down my spine. I distanced myself from my heritage, rejecting the traditional panjabis worn on Eid and refusing the torkari we ate for dinner every day. 

As I grappled with my relationship with the Bangladeshi community, I turned my attention to helping my Bronx community by pursuing an internship with Assemblyman Luis Sepulveda. I handled desk work and took calls, spending the bulk of my time actively listening to the hardships constituents faced — everything from a veteran stripped of his benefits to a grandmother unable to support her bedridden grandchild.

I’d never exposed myself to stories like these, and now I was the first to hear them. As an intern, I could only assist in what felt like the small ways — pointing out local job offerings, printing information on free ESL classes, reaching out to non-profits. But to a community facing an onslaught of intense struggles, I realized that something as small as these actions could have vast impacts. Seeing the immediate consequences of my actions inspired me. Throughout that summer, I internalized my community’s daily challenges in a new light. I began to stop seeing the prevalent underemployment and cramped living quarters less as sources of shame. Instead, I saw them as realities that had to be acknowledged, but could ultimately be remedied. I also realized the benefits of the Bangladeshi culture I had been so ashamed of. My Bangla language skills were an asset to the office, and my understanding of Bangladeshi etiquette allowed for smooth communication between office staff and its constituents. As I helped my neighbors navigate city services, I saw my heritage with pride — a perspective I never expected to have.

I can now appreciate the value of my unique culture and background, and of living with less. This perspective offers room for progress, community integration, and a future worth fighting for. My time with Assemblyman Sepulveda’s office taught me that I can be a change agent in enabling this progression. Far from being ashamed of my community, I want to someday return to local politics in the Bronx to continue helping others access the American Dream. I hope to help my community appreciate the opportunity to make progress together. By embracing reality, I learned to live it. Along the way, I discovered one thing: life is good, but we can make it better.

This student’s passion for social justice and civic duty shines through in this essay because of how honest it is. Sharing their personal experience with immigrating, moving around, being an outsider, and finding a community allows us to see the hardships this student has faced and builds empathy towards their situation. However, what really makes it strong is that they go beyond describing the difficulties they faced and explain the mental impact it had on them as a child: Shame prickled down my spine. I distanced myself from my heritage, rejecting the traditional panjabis worn on Eid and refusing the torkari we ate for dinner every day. 

The rejection of their culture presented at the beginning of the essay creates a nice juxtaposition with the student’s view in the latter half of the essay and helps demonstrate how they have matured. They use their experience interning as a way to delve into a change in their thought process about their culture and show how their passion for social justice began. Using this experience as a mechanism to explore their thoughts and feelings is an excellent example of how items that are included elsewhere on your application should be incorporated into your essay.

This essay prioritizes emotions and personal views over specific anecdotes. Although there are details and certain moments incorporated throughout to emphasize the author’s points, the main focus remains on the student and how they grapple with their culture and identity.  

One area for improvement is the conclusion. Although the forward-looking approach is a nice way to end an essay focused on social justice, it would be nice to include more details and imagery in the conclusion. How does the student want to help their community? What government position do they see themselves holding one day? 

A more impactful ending might look like the student walking into their office at the New York City Housing Authority in 15 years and looking at the plans to build a new development in the Bronx just blocks away from where the grew up that would provide quality housing to people in their Bangladeshi community. They would smile while thinking about how far they have come from that young kid who used to be ashamed of their culture. 

Essay Example #3: Why Medicine

I took my first trip to China to visit my cousin Anna in July of 2014. Distance had kept us apart, but when we were together, we fell into all of our old inside jokes and caught up on each other’s lives. Her sparkling personality and optimistic attitude always brought a smile to my face. This time, however, my heart broke when I saw the effects of her brain cancer; she had suffered from a stroke that paralyzed her left side. She was still herself in many ways, but I could see that the damage to her brain made things difficult for her. I stayed by her every day, providing the support she needed, whether assisting her with eating and drinking, reading to her, or just watching “Friends.” During my flight back home, sorrow and helplessness overwhelmed me. Would I ever see Anna again? Could I have done more to make Anna comfortable? I wished I could stay in China longer to care for her. As I deplaned, I wondered if I could transform my grief to help other children and teenagers in the US who suffered as Anna did.

The day after I got home, as jet lag dragged me awake a few minutes after midnight, I remembered hearing about the Family Reach Foundation (FRF) and its work with children going through treatments at the local hospital and their families. I began volunteering in the FRF’s Children’s Activity Room, where I play with children battling cancer. Volunteering has both made me appreciate my own health and also cherish the new relationships I build with the children and families. We play sports, make figures out of playdoh, and dress up. When they take on the roles of firefighters or fairies, we all get caught up in the game; for that time, they forget the sanitized, stark, impersonal walls of the pediatric oncology ward. Building close relationships with them and seeing them giggle and laugh is so rewarding — I love watching them grow and get better throughout their course of treatment.

Hearing from the parents about their children’s condition and seeing the children recover inspired me to consider medical research. To get started, I enrolled in a summer collegelevel course in Abnormal Psychology. There I worked with Catelyn, a rising college senior, on a data analysis project regarding Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Together, we examined the neurological etiology of DID by studying four fMRI and PET cases. I fell in love with gathering data and analyzing the results and was amazed by our final product: several stunning brain images showcasing the areas of hyper and hypoactivity in brains affected by DID. Desire quickly followed my amazement — I want to continue this project and study more brains. Their complexity, delicacy, and importance to every aspect of life fascinate me. Successfully completing this research project gave me a sense of hope; I know I am capable of participating in a large scale research project and potentially making a difference in someone else’s life through my research.

Anna’s diagnosis inspired me to begin volunteering at FRF; from there, I discovered my desire to help people further by contributing to medical research. As my research interest blossomed, I realized that it’s no coincidence that I want to study brains—after all, Anna suffered from brain cancer. Reflecting on these experiences this past year and a half, I see that everything I’ve done is connected. Sadly, a few months after I returned from China, Anna passed away. I am still sad, but as I run a toy truck across the floor and watch one of the little patients’ eyes light up, I imagine that she would be proud of my commitment to pursue medicine and study the brain.

This essay has a very strong emotional core that tugs at the heart strings and makes the reader feel invested. Writing about sickness can be difficult and doesn’t always belong in a personal statement, but in this case it works well because the focus is on how this student cared for her cousin and dealt with the grief and emotions surrounding her condition. Writing about the compassion she showed and the doubts and concerns that filled her mind keeps the focus on the author and her personality. 

This continues when she again discusses the activities she did with the kids at FRF and the personal reflection this experience allowed her to have. For example, she writes: Volunteering has both made me appreciate my own health and also cherish the new relationships I build with the children and families. We play sports, make figures out of playdoh, and dress up.

Concluding the essay with the sad story of her cousin’s passing brings the essay full circle and returns to the emotional heart of the piece to once again build a connection with the reader. However, it finishes on a hopeful note and demonstrates how this student has been able to turn a tragic experience into a source of lifelong inspiration. 

One thing this essay should be cognizant of is that personal statements should not read as summaries of your extracurricular resume. Although this essay doesn’t fully fall into that trap, it does describe two key extracurriculars the student participated in. However, the inclusion of such a strong emotional core running throughout the essay helps keep the focus on the student and her thoughts and feelings during these activities.

To avoid making this mistake, make sure you have a common thread running through your essay and the extracurriculars provide support to the story you are trying to tell, rather than crafting a story around your activities. And, as this essay does, make sure there is lots of personal reflection and feelings weaved throughout to focus attention to you rather than your extracurriculars. 

Essay Example #4: Love of Writing

“I want to be a writer.” This had been my answer to every youthful discussion with the adults in my life about what I would do when I grew up. As early as elementary school, I remember reading my writing pieces aloud to an audience at “Author of the Month” ceremonies. Bearing this goal in mind, and hoping to gain some valuable experience, I signed up for a journalism class during my freshman year. Despite my love for writing, I initially found myself uninterested in the subject and I struggled to enjoy the class. When I thought of writing, I imagined lyrical prose, profound poetry, and thrilling plot lines. Journalism required a laconic style and orderly structure, and I found my teacher’s assignments formulaic and dull. That class shook my confidence as a writer. I was uncertain if I should continue in it for the rest of my high school career.

Despite my misgivings, I decided that I couldn’t make a final decision on whether to quit journalism until I had some experience working for a paper outside of the classroom. The following year, I applied to be a staff reporter on our school newspaper. I hoped this would help me become more self-driven and creative, rather than merely writing articles that my teacher assigned. To my surprise, my time on staff was worlds away from what I experienced in the journalism class. Although I was unaccustomed to working in a fast-paced environment and initially found it burdensome to research and complete high-quality stories in a relatively short amount of time, I also found it exciting. I enjoyed learning more about topics and events on campus that I did not know much about; some of my stories that I covered in my first semester concerned a chess tournament, a food drive, and a Spanish immersion party. I relished in the freedom I had to explore and learn, and to write more independently than I could in a classroom.

Although I enjoyed many aspects of working for the paper immediately, reporting also pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I am a shy person, and speaking with people I did not know intimidated me. During my first interview, I met with the basketball coach to prepare for a story about the team’s winning streak. As I approached his office, I felt everything from my toes to my tongue freeze into a solid block, and I could hardly get out my opening questions. Fortunately, the coach was very kind and helped me through the conversation. Encouraged, I prepared for my next interview with more confidence. After a few weeks of practice, I even started to look forward to interviewing people on campus. That first journalism class may have bored me, but even if journalism in practice was challenging, it was anything but tedious.

Over the course of that year, I grew to love writing for our school newspaper. Reporting made me aware of my surroundings, and made me want to know more about current events on campus and in the town where I grew up. By interacting with people all over campus, I came to understand the breadth of individuals and communities that make up my high school. I felt far more connected to diverse parts of my school through my work as a journalist, and I realized that journalism gave me a window into seeing beyond my own experiences. The style of news writing may be different from what I used to think “writing” meant, but I learned that I can still derive exciting plots from events that may have gone unnoticed if not for my stories. I no longer struggle to approach others, and truly enjoy getting to know people and recognizing their accomplishments through my writing. Becoming a writer may be a difficult path, but it is as rewarding as I hoped when I was young.

This essay is clearly structured in a manner that makes it flow very nicely and contributes to its success. It starts with a quote to draw in the reader and show this student’s life-long passion for writing. Then it addresses the challenges of facing new, unfamiliar territory and how this student overcame it. Finally, it concludes by reflecting on this eye-opening experience and a nod to their younger self from the introduction. Having a well-thought out and sequential structure with clear transitions makes it extremely easy for the reader to follow along and take away the main idea.

Another positive aspect of the essay is the use of strong and expressive language. Sentences like “ When I thought of writing, I imagined lyrical prose, profound poetry, and thrilling plot lines ” stand out because of the intentional use of words like “lyrical”, “profound”, and “thrilling” to convey the student’s love of writing. The author also uses an active voice to capture the readers’ attention and keep us engaged. They rely on their language and diction to reveal details to the reader, for instance saying “ I felt everything from my toes to my tongue freeze into a solid block ” to describe feeling nervous.

This essay is already very strong, so there isn’t much that needs to be changed. One thing that could take the essay from great to outstanding would be to throw in more quotes, internal dialogue, and sensory descriptors.

It would be nice to see the nerves they felt interviewing the coach by including dialogue like “ Um…I want to interview you about…uh…”.  They could have shown their original distaste for journalism by narrating the thoughts running through their head. The fast-paced environment of their newspaper could have come to life with descriptions about the clacking of keyboards and the whirl of people running around laying out articles.

Essay Example #5: Starting a Fire

Was I no longer the beloved daughter of nature, whisperer of trees? Knee-high rubber boots, camouflage, bug spray—I wore the garb and perfume of a proud wild woman, yet there I was, hunched over the pathetic pile of stubborn sticks, utterly stumped, on the verge of tears. As a child, I had considered myself a kind of rustic princess, a cradler of spiders and centipedes, who was serenaded by mourning doves and chickadees, who could glide through tick-infested meadows and emerge Lyme-free. I knew the cracks of the earth like the scars on my own rough palms. Yet here I was, ten years later, incapable of performing the most fundamental outdoor task: I could not, for the life of me, start a fire. 

Furiously I rubbed the twigs together—rubbed and rubbed until shreds of skin flaked from my fingers. No smoke. The twigs were too young, too sticky-green; I tossed them away with a shower of curses, and began tearing through the underbrush in search of a more flammable collection. My efforts were fruitless. Livid, I bit a rejected twig, determined to prove that the forest had spurned me, offering only young, wet bones that would never burn. But the wood cracked like carrots between my teeth—old, brittle, and bitter. Roaring and nursing my aching palms, I retreated to the tent, where I sulked and awaited the jeers of my family. 

Rattling their empty worm cans and reeking of fat fish, my brother and cousins swaggered into the campsite. Immediately, they noticed the minor stick massacre by the fire pit and called to me, their deep voices already sharp with contempt. 

“Where’s the fire, Princess Clara?” they taunted. “Having some trouble?” They prodded me with the ends of the chewed branches and, with a few effortless scrapes of wood on rock, sparked a red and roaring flame. My face burned long after I left the fire pit. The camp stank of salmon and shame. 

In the tent, I pondered my failure. Was I so dainty? Was I that incapable? I thought of my hands, how calloused and capable they had been, how tender and smooth they had become. It had been years since I’d kneaded mud between my fingers; instead of scaling a white pine, I’d practiced scales on my piano, my hands softening into those of a musician—fleshy and sensitive. And I’d gotten glasses, having grown horrifically nearsighted; long nights of dim lighting and thick books had done this. I couldn’t remember the last time I had lain down on a hill, barefaced, and seen the stars without having to squint. Crawling along the edge of the tent, a spider confirmed my transformation—he disgusted me, and I felt an overwhelming urge to squash him. 

Yet, I realized I hadn’t really changed—I had only shifted perspective. I still eagerly explored new worlds, but through poems and prose rather than pastures and puddles. I’d grown to prefer the boom of a bass over that of a bullfrog, learned to coax a different kind of fire from wood, having developed a burn for writing rhymes and scrawling hypotheses. 

That night, I stayed up late with my journal and wrote about the spider I had decided not to kill. I had tolerated him just barely, only shrieking when he jumped—it helped to watch him decorate the corners of the tent with his delicate webs, knowing that he couldn’t start fires, either. When the night grew cold and the embers died, my words still smoked—my hands burned from all that scrawling—and even when I fell asleep, the ideas kept sparking—I was on fire, always on fire.

This student is an excellent writer, which allows a simple story to be outstandingly compelling. The author articulates her points beautifully and creatively through her immense use of details and figurative language. Lines like “a rustic princess, a cradler of spiders and centipedes, who was serenaded by mourning doves and chickadees,” and “rubbed and rubbed until shreds of skin flaked from my fingers,” create vivid images that draw the reader in. 

The flowery and descriptive prose also contributes to the nice juxtaposition between the old Clara and the new Clara. The latter half of the essay contrasts elements of nature with music and writing to demonstrate how natural these interests are for her now. This sentence perfectly encapsulates the contrast she is trying to build: “It had been years since I’d kneaded mud between my fingers; instead of scaling a white pine, I’d practiced scales on my piano, my hands softening into those of a musician—fleshy and sensitive.”

In addition to being well-written, this essay is thematically cohesive. It begins with the simple introduction “Fire!” and ends with the following image: “When the night grew cold and the embers died, my words still smoked—my hands burned from all that scrawling—and even when I fell asleep, the ideas kept sparking—I was on fire, always on fire.” This full-circle approach leaves readers satisfied and impressed.

There is very little this essay should change, however one thing to be cautious about is having an essay that is overly-descriptive. We know from the essay that this student likes to read and write, and depending on other elements of her application, it might make total sense to have such a flowery and ornate writing style. However, your personal statement needs to reflect your voice as well as your personality. If you would never use language like this in conversation or your writing, don’t put it in your personal statement. Make sure there is a balance between eloquence and your personal voice.

Essay Example #6: Dedicating a Track

“Getting beat is one thing – it’s part of competing – but I want no part in losing.” Coach Rob Stark’s motto never fails to remind me of his encouragement on early-morning bus rides to track meets around the state. I’ve always appreciated the phrase, but an experience last June helped me understand its more profound, universal meaning.

Stark, as we affectionately call him, has coached track at my high school for 25 years. His care, dedication, and emphasis on developing good character has left an enduring impact on me and hundreds of other students. Not only did he help me discover my talent and love for running, but he also taught me the importance of commitment and discipline and to approach every endeavor with the passion and intensity that I bring to running. When I learned a neighboring high school had dedicated their track to a longtime coach, I felt that Stark deserved similar honors.

Our school district’s board of education indicated they would only dedicate our track to Stark if I could demonstrate that he was extraordinary. I took charge and mobilized my teammates to distribute petitions, reach out to alumni, and compile statistics on the many team and individual champions Stark had coached over the years. We received astounding support, collecting almost 3,000 signatures and pages of endorsements from across the community. With help from my teammates, I presented this evidence to the board.

They didn’t bite. 

Most members argued that dedicating the track was a low priority. Knowing that we had to act quickly to convince them of its importance, I called a team meeting where we drafted a rebuttal for the next board meeting. To my surprise, they chose me to deliver it. I was far from the best public speaker in the group, and I felt nervous about going before the unsympathetic board again. However, at that second meeting, I discovered that I enjoy articulating and arguing for something that I’m passionate about.

Public speaking resembles a cross country race. Walking to the starting line, you have to trust your training and quell your last minute doubts. When the gun fires, you can’t think too hard about anything; your performance has to be instinctual, natural, even relaxed. At the next board meeting, the podium was my starting line. As I walked up to it, familiar butterflies fluttered in my stomach. Instead of the track stretching out in front of me, I faced the vast audience of teachers, board members, and my teammates. I felt my adrenaline build, and reassured myself: I’ve put in the work, my argument is powerful and sound. As the board president told me to introduce myself, I heard, “runners set” in the back of my mind. She finished speaking, and Bang! The brief silence was the gunshot for me to begin. 

The next few minutes blurred together, but when the dust settled, I knew from the board members’ expressions and the audience’s thunderous approval that I had run quite a race. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough; the board voted down our proposal. I was disappointed, but proud of myself, my team, and our collaboration off the track. We stood up for a cause we believed in, and I overcame my worries about being a leader. Although I discovered that changing the status quo through an elected body can be a painstakingly difficult process and requires perseverance, I learned that I enjoy the challenges this effort offers. Last month, one of the school board members joked that I had become a “regular” – I now often show up to meetings to advocate for a variety of causes, including better environmental practices in cafeterias and safer equipment for athletes.

Just as Stark taught me, I worked passionately to achieve my goal. I may have been beaten when I appealed to the board, but I certainly didn’t lose, and that would have made Stark proud.

This essay effectively conveys this student’s compassion for others, initiative, and determination—all great qualities to exemplify in a personal statement!

Although they rely on telling us a lot of what happened up until the board meeting, the use of running a race (their passion) as a metaphor for public speaking provides a lot of insight into the fear that this student overcame to work towards something bigger than themself. Comparing a podium to the starting line, the audience to the track, and silence to the gunshot is a nice way of demonstrating this student’s passion for cross country running without making that the focus of the story.

The essay does a nice job of coming full circle at the end by explaining what the quote from the beginning meant to them after this experience. Without explicitly saying “ I now know that what Stark actually meant is…” they rely on the strength of their argument above to make it obvious to the reader what it means to get beat but not lose. 

One of the biggest areas of improvement in the intro, however, is how the essay tells us Stark’s impact rather than showing us: His care, dedication, and emphasis on developing good character has left an enduring impact on me and hundreds of other students. Not only did he help me discover my talent and love for running, but he also taught me the importance of commitment and discipline and to approach every endeavor with the passion and intensity that I bring to running.

The writer could’ve helped us feel a stronger emotional connection to Stark if they had included examples of Stark’s qualities, rather than explicitly stating them. For example, they could’ve written something like: Stark was the kind of person who would give you gas money if you told him your parents couldn’t afford to pick you up from practice. And he actually did that—several times. At track meets, alumni regularly would come talk to him and tell him how he’d changed their lives. Before Stark, I was ambivalent about running and was on the JV team, but his encouragement motivated me to run longer and harder and eventually make varsity. Because of him, I approach every endeavor with the passion and intensity that I bring to running.

Essay Example #7: Body Image and Eating Disorders

I press the “discover” button on my Instagram app, hoping to find enticing pictures to satisfy my boredom. Scrolling through, I see funny videos and mouth-watering pictures of food. However, one image stops me immediately. A fit teenage girl with a “perfect body” relaxes in a bikini on a beach. Beneath it, I see a slew of flattering comments. I shake with disapproval over the image’s unrealistic quality. However, part of me still wants to have a body like hers so that others will make similar comments to me.

I would like to resolve a silent issue that harms many teenagers and adults: negative self image and low self-esteem in a world where social media shapes how people view each other. When people see the façades others wear to create an “ideal” image, they can develop poor thought patterns rooted in negative self-talk. The constant comparisons to “perfect” others make people feel small. In this new digital age, it is hard to distinguish authentic from artificial representations.

When I was 11, I developed anorexia nervosa. Though I was already thin, I wanted to be skinny like the models that I saw on the magazine covers on the grocery store stands. Little did I know that those models probably also suffered from disorders, and that photoshop erased their flaws. I preferred being underweight to being healthy. No matter how little I ate or how thin I was, I always thought that I was too fat. I became obsessed with the number on the scale and would try to eat the least that I could without my parents urging me to take more. Fortunately, I stopped engaging in anorexic behaviors before middle school. However, my underlying mental habits did not change. The images that had provoked my disorder in the first place were still a constant presence in my life.

By age 15, I was in recovery from anorexia, but suffered from depression. While I used to only compare myself to models, the growth of social media meant I also compared myself to my friends and acquaintances. I felt left out when I saw my friends’ excitement about lake trips they had taken without me. As I scrolled past endless photos of my flawless, thin classmates with hundreds of likes and affirming comments, I felt my jealousy spiral. I wanted to be admired and loved by other people too. However, I felt that I could never be enough. I began to hate the way that I looked, and felt nothing in my life was good enough. I wanted to be called “perfect” and “body goals,” so I tried to only post at certain times of day to maximize my “likes.” When that didn’t work, I started to feel too anxious to post anything at all.  

Body image insecurities and social media comparisons affect thousands of people – men, women, children, and adults – every day. I am lucky – after a few months of my destructive social media habits, I came across a video that pointed out the illusory nature of social media; many Instagram posts only show off good things while people hide their flaws. I began going to therapy, and recovered from my depression. To address the problem of self-image and social media, we can all focus on what matters on the inside and not what is on the surface. As an effort to become healthy internally, I started a club at my school to promote clean eating and radiating beauty from within. It has helped me grow in my confidence, and today I’m not afraid to show others my struggles by sharing my experience with eating disorders. Someday, I hope to make this club a national organization to help teenagers and adults across the country. I support the idea of body positivity and embracing difference, not “perfection.” After all, how can we be ourselves if we all look the same?

This essay covers the difficult topics of eating disorders and mental health. If you’re thinking about covering similar topics in your essay, we recommend reading our post Should You Talk About Mental Health in College Essays?

The short answer is that, yes, you can talk about mental health, but it can be risky. If you do go that route, it’s important to focus on what you learned from the experience.

The strength of this essay is the student’s vulnerability, in excerpts such as this: I wanted to be admired and loved by other people too. However, I felt that I could never be enough. I began to hate the way that I looked, and felt nothing in my life was good enough. I wanted to be called “perfect” and “body goals,” so I tried to only post at certain times of day to maximize my “likes.”

The student goes on to share how they recovered from their depression through an eye-opening video and therapy sessions, and they’re now helping others find their self-worth as well. It’s great that this essay looks towards the future and shares the writer’s goals of making their club a national organization; we can see their ambition and compassion.

The main weakness of this essay is that it doesn’t focus enough on their recovery process, which is arguably the most important part. They could’ve told us more about the video they watched or the process of starting their club and the interactions they’ve had with other members. Especially when sharing such a vulnerable topic, there should be vulnerability in the recovery process too. That way, the reader can fully appreciate all that this student has overcome.

Essay Example #8: Becoming a Coach

”Advanced females ages 13 to 14 please proceed to staging with your coaches at this time.” Skittering around the room, eyes wide and pleading, I frantically explained my situation to nearby coaches. The seconds ticked away in my head; every polite refusal increased my desperation.

Despair weighed me down. I sank to my knees as a stream of competitors, coaches, and officials flowed around me. My dojang had no coach, and the tournament rules prohibited me from competing without one.

Although I wanted to remain strong, doubts began to cloud my mind. I could not help wondering: what was the point of perfecting my skills if I would never even compete? The other members of my team, who had found coaches minutes earlier, attempted to comfort me, but I barely heard their words. They couldn’t understand my despair at being left on the outside, and I never wanted them to understand.

Since my first lesson 12 years ago, the members of my dojang have become family. I have watched them grow up, finding my own happiness in theirs. Together, we have honed our kicks, blocks, and strikes. We have pushed one another to aim higher and become better martial artists. Although my dojang had searched for a reliable coach for years, we had not found one. When we attended competitions in the past, my teammates and I had always gotten lucky and found a sympathetic coach. Now, I knew this practice was unsustainable. It would devastate me to see the other members of my dojang in my situation, unable to compete and losing hope as a result. My dojang needed a coach, and I decided it was up to me to find one.

I first approached the adults in the dojang – both instructors and members’ parents. However, these attempts only reacquainted me with polite refusals. Everyone I asked told me they couldn’t devote multiple weekends per year to competitions. I soon realized that I would have become the coach myself.

At first, the inner workings of tournaments were a mystery to me. To prepare myself for success as a coach, I spent the next year as an official and took coaching classes on the side. I learned everything from motivational strategies to technical, behind-the-scenes components of Taekwondo competitions. Though I emerged with new knowledge and confidence in my capabilities, others did not share this faith.

Parents threw me disbelieving looks when they learned that their children’s coach was only a child herself. My self-confidence was my armor, deflecting their surly glances. Every armor is penetrable, however, and as the relentless barrage of doubts pounded my resilience, it began to wear down. I grew unsure of my own abilities.

Despite the attack, I refused to give up. When I saw the shining eyes of the youngest students preparing for their first competition, I knew I couldn’t let them down. To quit would be to set them up to be barred from competing like I was. The knowledge that I could solve my dojang’s longtime problem motivated me to overcome my apprehension.

Now that my dojang flourishes at competitions, the attacks on me have weakened, but not ended. I may never win the approval of every parent; at times, I am still tormented by doubts, but I find solace in the fact that members of my dojang now only worry about competing to the best of their abilities.

Now, as I arrive at a tournament with my students, I close my eyes and remember the past. I visualize the frantic search for a coach and the chaos amongst my teammates as we competed with one another to find coaches before the staging calls for our respective divisions. I open my eyes to the exact opposite scene. Lacking a coach hurt my ability to compete, but I am proud to know that no member of my dojang will have to face that problem again.

This essay begins with an in-the-moment narrative that really illustrates the chaos of looking for a coach last-minute. We feel the writer’s emotions, particularly her dejectedness, at not being able to compete. Starting an essay in media res  is a great way to capture the attention of your readers and build anticipation for what comes next.

Through this essay, we can see how gutsy and determined the student is in deciding to become a coach themselves. She shows us these characteristics through their actions, rather than explicitly telling us: To prepare myself for success as a coach, I spent the next year as an official and took coaching classes on the side.  Also, by discussing the opposition she faced and how it affected her, the student is open and vulnerable about the reality of the situation.

The essay comes full circle as the author recalls the frantic situations in seeking out a coach, but this is no longer a concern for them and their team. Overall, this essay is extremely effective in painting this student as mature, bold, and compassionate.

The biggest thing this essay needs to work on is showing not telling. Throughout the essay, the student tells us that she “emerged with new knowledge and confidence,” she “grew unsure of her own abilities,” and she “refused to give up”. What we really want to know is what this looks like.

Instead of saying she “emerged with new knowledge and confidence” she should have shared how she taught a new move to a fellow team-member without hesitation. Rather than telling us she “grew unsure of her own abilities” she should have shown what that looked like by including her internal dialogue and rhetorical questions that ran through her mind. She could have demonstrated what “refusing to give up” looks like by explaining how she kept learning coaching techniques on her own, turned to a mentor for advice, or devised a plan to win over the trust of parents. 

Essay Example #9: Eritrea

No one knows where Eritrea is.

On the first day of school, for the past nine years, I would pensively stand in front of a class, a teacher, a stranger  waiting for the inevitable question: Where are you from?

I smile politely, my dimples accentuating my ambiguous features. “Eritrea,” I answer promptly and proudly. But I  am always prepared. Before their expression can deepen into confusion, ready to ask “where is that,” I elaborate,  perhaps with a fleeting hint of exasperation, “East Africa, near Ethiopia.”

Sometimes, I single out the key-shaped hermit nation on a map, stunning teachers who have “never had a student  from there!” Grinning, I resist the urge to remark, “You didn’t even know it existed until two minutes ago!”

Eritrea is to the East of Ethiopia, its arid coastline clutches the lucrative Red Sea. Battle scars litter the ancient  streets – the colonial Italian architecture lathered with bullet holes, the mosques mangled with mortar shells.  Originally part of the world’s first Christian kingdom, Eritrea passed through the hands of colonial Italy, Britain, and  Ethiopia for over a century, until a bloody thirty year war of Independence liberated us.

But these are facts that anyone can know with a quick Google search. These are facts that I have memorised and compounded, first from my Grandmother and now from pristine books  borrowed from the library.

No historical narrative, however, can adequately capture what Eritrea is.  No one knows the aroma of bushels of potatoes, tomatoes, and garlic – still covered in dirt – that leads you to the open-air market. No one knows the poignant scent of spices, arranged in orange piles reminiscent of compacted  dunes.  No one knows how to haggle stubborn herders for sheep and roosters for Christmas celebrations as deliberately as my mother. No one can replicate the perfect balance of spices in dorho and tsebhi as well as my grandmother,  her gnarly hands stirring the pot with ancient precision (chastising my clumsy knife work with the potatoes).  It’s impossible to learn when the injera is ready – the exact moment you have to lift the lid of the mogogo. Do it too  early (or too late) and the flatbread becomes mangled and gross. It is a sixth sense passed through matriarchal  lineages.

There are no sources that catalogue the scent of incense that wafts through the sunlit porch on St. Michael’s; no  films that can capture the luminescence of hundreds of flaming bonfires that fluoresce the sidewalks on Kudus  Yohannes, as excited children chant Ge’ez proverbs whose origin has been lost to time.  You cannot learn the familiarity of walking beneath the towering Gothic figure of the Enda Mariam Cathedral, the  crowds undulating to the ringing of the archaic bells.  I have memorized the sound of the rains hounding the metal roof during kiremti , the heat of the sun pounding  against the Toyota’s window as we sped down towards Ghinda , the opulent brilliance of the stars twinkling in a  sky untainted by light pollution, the scent of warm rolls of bani wafting through the streets at precisely 6 o’clock each day…

I fill my flimsy sketchbook with pictures from my memory. My hand remembers the shapes of the hibiscus drifting  in the wind, the outline of my grandmother (affectionately nicknamed a’abaye ) leaning over the garden, the bizarre architecture of the Fiat Tagliero .  I dice the vegetables with movements handed down from generations. My nose remembers the scent of frying garlic, the sourness of the warm tayta , the sharpness of the mit’mt’a …

This knowledge is intrinsic.  “I am Eritrean,” I repeat. “I am proud.”  Within me is an encyclopedia of history, culture, and idealism.

Eritrea is the coffee made from scratch, the spices drying in the sun, the priests and nuns. Eritrea is wise, filled with ambition, and unseen potential.  Eritrea isn’t a place, it’s an identity.

This is an exceptional essay that provides a window into this student’s culture that really makes their love for their country and heritage leap off the page. The sheer level of details and sensory descriptors this student is able to fit in this space makes the essay stand out. From the smells, to the traditions, sounds, and sights, the author encapsulates all the glory of Eritrea for the reader. 

The vivid images this student is able to create for the reader, whether it is having the tedious conversation with every teacher or cooking in their grandmother’s kitchen, transports us into the story and makes us feel like we are there in the moment with the student. This is a prime example of an essay that shows , not tells.

Besides the amazing imagery, the use of shorter paragraphs also contributes to how engaging this essay is. Employing this tactic helps break up the text to make it more readable and it isolates ideas so they stick out more than if they were enveloped in a large paragraph.

Overall, this is a really strong essay that brings to life this student’s heritage through its use of vivid imagery. This essay exemplifies what it means to show not tell in your writing, and it is a great example of how you can write an intimate personal statement without making yourself the primary focus of your essay. 

There is very little this essay should improve upon, but one thing the student might consider would be to inject more personal reflection into their response. Although we can clearly take away their deep love and passion for their homeland and culture, the essay would be a bit more personal if they included the emotions and feelings they associate with the various aspects of Eritrea. For example, the way their heart swells with pride when their grandmother praises their ability to cook a flatbread or the feeling of serenity when they hear the bells ring out from the cathedral. Including personal details as well as sensory ones would create a wonderful balance of imagery and reflection.

Essay Example #10: Journaling

Flipping past dozens of colorful entries in my journal, I arrive at the final blank sheet. I press my pen lightly to the page, barely scratching its surface to create a series of loops stringing together into sentences. Emotions spill out, and with their release, I feel lightness in my chest. The stream of thoughts slows as I reach the bottom of the page, and I gently close the cover of the worn book: another journal finished.

I add the journal to the stack of eleven books on my nightstand. Struck by the bittersweet sensation of closing a chapter of my life, I grab the notebook at the bottom of the pile to reminisce.

“I want to make a flying mushen to fly in space and your in it” – October 2008

Pulling back the cover of my first Tinkerbell-themed diary, the prompt “My Hopes and Dreams” captures my attention. Though “machine” is misspelled in my scribbled response, I see the beginnings of my past obsession with outer space. At the age of five, I tore through novels about the solar system, experimented with rockets built from plastic straws, and rented Space Shuttle films from Blockbuster to satisfy my curiosities. While I chased down answers to questions as limitless as the universe, I fell in love with learning. Eight journals later, the same relentless curiosity brought me to an airplane descending on San Francisco Bay.

“I wish I had infinite sunsets” – July 2019

I reach for the charcoal notepad near the top of the pile and open to the first page: my flight to the Stanford Pre-Collegiate Summer Institutes. While I was excited to explore bioengineering, anxiety twisted in my stomach as I imagined my destination, unsure of whether I could overcome my shyness and connect with others.

With each new conversation, the sweat on my palms became less noticeable, and I met students from 23 different countries. Many of the moments where I challenged myself socially revolved around the third story deck of the Jerry house. A strange medley of English, Arabic, and Mandarin filled the summer air as my friends and I gathered there every evening, and dialogues at sunset soon became moments of bliss. In our conversations about cultural differences, the possibility of an afterlife, and the plausibility of far-fetched conspiracy theories, I learned to voice my opinion. As I was introduced to different viewpoints, these moments challenged my understanding of the world around me. In my final entries from California, I find excitement to learn from others and increased confidence, a tool that would later allow me to impact my community.

“The beauty in a tower of cans” – June 2020

Returning my gaze to the stack of journals, I stretch to take the floral-patterned book sitting on top. I flip through, eventually finding the beginnings of the organization I created during the outbreak of COVID-19. Since then, Door-to-Door Deliveries has woven its way through my entries and into reality, allowing me to aid high-risk populations through free grocery delivery.

With the confidence I gained the summer before, I took action when seeing others in need rather than letting my shyness hold me back. I reached out to local churches and senior centers to spread word of our services and interacted with customers through our website and social media pages. To further expand our impact, we held two food drives, and I mustered the courage to ask for donations door-to-door. In a tower of canned donations, I saw the value of reaching out to help others and realized my own potential to impact the world around me.

I delicately close the journal in my hands, smiling softly as the memories reappear, one after another. Reaching under my bed, I pull out a fresh notebook and open to its first sheet. I lightly press my pen to the page, “And so begins the next chapter…”

The structuring of this essay makes it easy and enjoyable to read. The student effectively organizes their various life experiences around their tower of journals, which centers the reader and makes the different stories easy to follow. Additionally, the student engages quotes from their journals—and unique formatting of the quotes—to signal that they are moving in time and show us which memory we should follow them to.

Thematically, the student uses the idea of shyness to connect the different memories they draw out of their journals. As the student describes their experiences overcoming shyness at the Stanford Pre-Collegiate Summer Institutes and Door-to-Door Deliveries, this essay can be read as an Overcoming Obstacles essay.

At the end of this essay, readers are fully convinced that this student is dedicated (they have committed to journaling every day), thoughtful (journaling is a thoughtful process and, in the essay, the student reflects thoughtfully on the past), and motivated (they flew across the country for a summer program and started a business). These are definitely qualities admissions officers are looking for in applicants!

Although this essay is already exceptionally strong as it’s written, the first journal entry feels out of place compared to the other two entries that discuss the author’s shyness and determination. It works well for the essay to have an entry from when the student was younger to add some humor (with misspelled words) and nostalgia, but if the student had either connected the quote they chose to the idea of overcoming a fear present in the other two anecdotes or if they had picked a different quote all together related to their shyness, it would have made the entire essay feel more cohesive.

Where to Get Your Personal Statement Edited

Do you want feedback on your personal statement? After rereading your essays countless times, it can be difficult to evaluate your writing objectively. That’s why we created our free Peer Essay Review tool , where you can get a free review of your essay from another student. You can also improve your own writing skills by reviewing other students’ essays. 

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

Next Step: Supplemental Essays

Essay Guides for Each School

How to Write a Stellar Extracurricular Activity College Essay

4 Tips for Writing a Diversity College Essay

How to Write the “Why This College” Essay

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What I’ve Learned From My Students’ College Essays

The genre is often maligned for being formulaic and melodramatic, but it’s more important than you think.

By Nell Freudenberger

Most high school seniors approach the college essay with dread. Either their upbringing hasn’t supplied them with several hundred words of adversity, or worse, they’re afraid that packaging the genuine trauma they’ve experienced is the only way to secure their future. The college counselor at the Brooklyn high school where I’m a writing tutor advises against trauma porn. “Keep it brief , ” she says, “and show how you rose above it.”

I started volunteering in New York City schools in my 20s, before I had kids of my own. At the time, I liked hanging out with teenagers, whom I sometimes had more interesting conversations with than I did my peers. Often I worked with students who spoke English as a second language or who used slang in their writing, and at first I was hung up on grammar. Should I correct any deviation from “standard English” to appeal to some Wizard of Oz behind the curtains of a college admissions office? Or should I encourage students to write the way they speak, in pursuit of an authentic voice, that most elusive of literary qualities?

In fact, I was missing the point. One of many lessons the students have taught me is to let the story dictate the voice of the essay. A few years ago, I worked with a boy who claimed to have nothing to write about. His life had been ordinary, he said; nothing had happened to him. I asked if he wanted to try writing about a family member, his favorite school subject, a summer job? He glanced at his phone, his posture and expression suggesting that he’d rather be anywhere but in front of a computer with me. “Hobbies?” I suggested, without much hope. He gave me a shy glance. “I like to box,” he said.

I’ve had this experience with reluctant writers again and again — when a topic clicks with a student, an essay can unfurl spontaneously. Of course the primary goal of a college essay is to help its author get an education that leads to a career. Changes in testing policies and financial aid have made applying to college more confusing than ever, but essays have remained basically the same. I would argue that they’re much more than an onerous task or rote exercise, and that unlike standardized tests they are infinitely variable and sometimes beautiful. College essays also provide an opportunity to learn precision, clarity and the process of working toward the truth through multiple revisions.

When a topic clicks with a student, an essay can unfurl spontaneously.

Even if writing doesn’t end up being fundamental to their future professions, students learn to choose language carefully and to be suspicious of the first words that come to mind. Especially now, as college students shoulder so much of the country’s ethical responsibility for war with their protest movement, essay writing teaches prospective students an increasingly urgent lesson: that choosing their own words over ready-made phrases is the only reliable way to ensure they’re thinking for themselves.

Teenagers are ideal writers for several reasons. They’re usually free of preconceptions about writing, and they tend not to use self-consciously ‘‘literary’’ language. They’re allergic to hypocrisy and are generally unfiltered: They overshare, ask personal questions and call you out for microaggressions as well as less egregious (but still mortifying) verbal errors, such as referring to weed as ‘‘pot.’’ Most important, they have yet to put down their best stories in a finished form.

I can imagine an essay taking a risk and distinguishing itself formally — a poem or a one-act play — but most kids use a more straightforward model: a hook followed by a narrative built around “small moments” that lead to a concluding lesson or aspiration for the future. I never get tired of working with students on these essays because each one is different, and the short, rigid form sometimes makes an emotional story even more powerful. Before I read Javier Zamora’s wrenching “Solito,” I worked with a student who had been transported by a coyote into the U.S. and was reunited with his mother in the parking lot of a big-box store. I don’t remember whether this essay focused on specific skills or coping mechanisms that he gained from his ordeal. I remember only the bliss of the parent-and-child reunion in that uninspiring setting. If I were making a case to an admissions officer, I would suggest that simply being able to convey that experience demonstrates the kind of resilience that any college should admire.

The essays that have stayed with me over the years don’t follow a pattern. There are some narratives on very predictable topics — living up to the expectations of immigrant parents, or suffering from depression in 2020 — that are moving because of the attention with which the student describes the experience. One girl determined to become an engineer while watching her father build furniture from scraps after work; a boy, grieving for his mother during lockdown, began taking pictures of the sky.

If, as Lorrie Moore said, “a short story is a love affair; a novel is a marriage,” what is a college essay? Every once in a while I sit down next to a student and start reading, and I have to suppress my excitement, because there on the Google Doc in front of me is a real writer’s voice. One of the first students I ever worked with wrote about falling in love with another girl in dance class, the absolute magic of watching her move and the terror in the conflict between her feelings and the instruction of her religious middle school. She made me think that college essays are less like love than limerence: one-sided, obsessive, idiosyncratic but profound, the first draft of the most personal story their writers will ever tell.

Nell Freudenberger’s novel “The Limits” was published by Knopf last month. She volunteers through the PEN America Writers in the Schools program.