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What Is a Personal Statement? NCSA Personal Statement Examples

A personal statement is your chance to show college coaches who you are outside of your academic and athletic life. It provides an opportunity to showcase your character, extracurricular activities, and anything else you would want a coach to know about you that they can’t get from stats or video. 

As a student-athlete, you should include your personal statement in your NCSA athletic profile. You can also use the information from your personal statement to help formulate introduction letters or emails to college coaches . 

4 Steps to Writing a Personal Statement

Step 1: be yourself..

When writing your personal statement, be honest and be personal. This is something to keep at the forefront of your mind as you write and revise the statement.  

There is no need to write this like an academic paper; instead, tell everything you want your recruiter to know about you. Don’t be ashamed to “boast” your achievements. At the same time, share your passions and what motivates you when it comes to your college future.  

Be specific.

Being specific in your personal statement means answering questions like “So what?” and “Why me?” when describing what you bring to your dream college team. This includes:  

• Awards and accolades  
• Academics (beyond what is displayed on your athletic profile) 
• Experiences, hardships, and lessons learned 
• Motivations 
• Future goals 
• Leadership roles 

When writing your personal statement, use these questions as a guideline, but make sure your personal statement is unique to you. It should highlight what is impressive about you and your life, such as: 

• What details of your life have influenced who you are? 
• When and how did you become interested in your sport? 
• What have you learned about yourself through playing your sport? 
• What are your academic goals for high school? For college? 
• Have you had to overcome any obstacles to get where you are? 
• What unique characteristics or skills do you possess? 

Step 3: Edit and proofread for spelling and grammar.

Once the first draft of your personal statement is written, review it and focus on: 

• Spelling and grammatical errors  
• Specificity    
• Relevancy    
• Clarity with simple, concise language  
• Active voice (rather than passive voice)    

Then, read the essay aloud to help catch additional mistakes and hear how the writing flows to identify areas of improvement. If you have family or friends who can proofread your personal statement, that will only make it better. This is your chance to shine and make a good impression on a college coach, so give your full effort.  

Step 4: Rework your opening sentence.

Lastly, make sure to work on and rework your opening sentence to grab the reader’s attention. It should be personal to you, not using any clichés or quotes. This is arguably the most important part of the statement! 

NCSA Personal Statement Examples

Seeking some inspiration for your NCSA personal statement? Review the two examples below from real student-athletes. What makes these statements flourish is that they do not simply repeat the baseline information in the players’ applications and athletic profiles. 

Personal Statement for Women’s Basketball

Here is a personal statement from basketball player Laura Marx , hailing from Menomonee Falls, WI. 

What did Laura do well here? For one, she provides plenty of specificity with detail on the exact basketball skills she brings to a team followed by her involvement in other sports clubs. This underscores her dedication to the sport.  

Throughout the essay, her statements are clear and concise, staying on-topic to her personal passions and accomplishments.  

Additionally, she emphasizes her involvement in academic organizations and the community, tying it all together with her desire to thrive both on the court and in the classroom.  

Personal Statement for Men’s Football

Check out this personal statement from football player Cormac Shanoff of Little Falls, MN.

This personal statement begins strong by sharing his involvement in two other sports aside from football. This helps highlight his dedication and well-roundedness as an athlete.  

He does an especially excellent job at keeping the statement truly personal, with the first section displaying a sense of authenticity and vulnerability. Cormac highlights life lessons he has learned from playing on a team, such as the importance of teamwork and camaraderie.  

However, he doesn’t forget to be specific by addressing his sports awards, leadership skills, and academic goals.  

FAQs about personal statements

How long should a personal statement be .

As a very general rule of thumb, the word count range for a personal statement is about 500 to 650 words. Ultimately, this depends on the specific requirements provided the university—so, pay attention to your application instructions.  

For college sports, a personal statement length requirement might range anywhere from 200 to 650 words, for instance. 

Does a personal statement matter? 

Including a personal statement with your application is always a good idea, particularly if it’s a college you would really like to attend. If coaches are between two applications, a strong, well-written personal statement will help set you apart.  

For student-athletes, meeting the college’s athletic standards is only the first step. Studies have shown that coaches place high importance on athletes’ character and coachability over pure athletic ability. Thus, demonstrating humility, patience, and willingness to learn is key when you are trying to stand out. 

Get Recruited with more NCSA resources

Now that you’ve got a grasp on writing a sports-centric personal statement for college coaches, check out our College Recruiting Guide for more about the recruiting process. 

If you’re ready to build a free online athletic recruiting profile (including a personal statement) to tell coaches who you are, join NCSA College Recruiting today ! 

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27 Helpful Athletic Resumes and Player Profile Templates

Download Your FREE College Recruiting Checklist

Sample Athletic Resumes/Player Profile Templates with Recruiting Guides

Resume/player profile template and/or letter only.

And yes, you should have an  athletic resume . If for no other reason, having the resume will allow you to easily complete all of the online player profiles teams require prospects to submit. This way the information will be all in one place.

The following is a list of resources I’ve found and actually opened and looked at. I’ve divided them into two sections, the first has some sort of substantial additional recruiting information along with the samples. The second section includes just sample letters and resume or player profile templates.

With the exception of the first two documents, they are in no particular order. The resources in the samples only section aren’t any better or worse than those that provide some sort of guide as well. In fact, I’ve included some even if I didn’t think they were so great (and indicate such) so you might only open these to use for comparison purposes.

I didn’t include just one best because sometimes you’ll find the best solution for you is to use a little something from a variety of sources. For all of these sources, be sure to double-check with the  NCAA  and  NAIA  for the latest information since very few of these guides are updated on a regular basis. This is especially important given the continuing changing test requirements.

The College Planning Guide for Student Athletes is no longer being updated by the New Hampshire Higher Education Assistance Foundation Network. This is one resource I have always recommend everyone download. Unfortunately, its replacement,  The College Insider Series: Student Athletes  isn’t nearly as good. The new version includes a sample player profile template and cover letter along with an overview of the different NCAA divisions.

But it’s missing the information on the percentage of athletes going pro. There used to be a sample in-season Division 1 athlete schedule to show the time commitment required. It still includes valuable information and is worth downloading but it’s just not as good as the original. So I’m keeping a  link  to the original for a while until I think the extra information isn’t worth the inclusion of possible outdated information.

This year it was actually difficult to select among the various guides since there are some very detailed ones available. While all covered pretty much the same information, they each had their individual strengths. Since this is about finding the athletic resumes and player profiles, I decided to go with the one with the examples I liked best.

My current choice of if you’re only going to download one item is Chippewa Hills High School’s   Guide for the College Bound Student Athlete.  

The Chippewa Hill’s guide includes a description of what should be included on the athletic resume along with its purpose. The athletic resume template is clean and well organized and the sample email/letter is concise and to the point. You’ll also find a timeline for high school athletes; a breakdown of roles and responsibilities for students, parents, counselors, and coaches; and the NCAA table showing the estimated probability of competing beyond the high school level.

One thing to pay attention to is that it lists the NCAA approved courses for its own school. You should check with your own school for its  NCAA  list of approved courses. Another thing to be aware of is that eligibility information is outdated. Everyone’s going to be since it was only 2023 that the NCAA dropped the test requirements permanently. The download link is just past the middle of the page under Other Information.

South Windsor Public Schools  A College Admissions Guide for the Student Athlete .  Very comprehensive guide with two of each letter and resume examples. Also includes words of wisdom from some of the high school coaches from various sports as well as a section on selecting a college and financial aid considerations.

St. Ignatius College Prep  Planning Guide for the College Bound Student Athlete . Comprehensive guide that includes a checklist grid you can use for tracking your recruiting contacts with colleges. Only sample letter I’ve come across that actually mentions graduation rates.

Lakeside School  Athletic Recruiting FAQS . Short guide but includes a funnel on how a student becomes a top recruit along with an athletic resume template and two examples of good emails and two examples of bad emails.

San Marcos College Soccer  College Soccer Recruitment Guide for Parents and Players . This guide is available from several different soccer websites. It includes two sample letters and one sample player profile. It has a nice section addressed to parents covering financial aid and amateurism.

St. Joseph School District  Athletes and the College Recruiting Process: A Handbook for the Students and Their Families .  This is an 18-page guide that includes timelines, checklists, definitions of NCAA & NAIA, along with a sample email and resume. Pay attention to the differences between “Blue Chip Athletes” and “Most Athletes.”

Forman School’s  Planning Guide for the College Bound Student-Athlete .  Along with a sample player profile and coach email, it lists sport specific information to include in the athletic resume. You’ll also find a recruiting glossary and frequently asked questions.

High School District 214  Student-Athlete College Handbook .  It also has information on Qualifer Status, Walk-Ons, and Education-Impacting Disabilities. It contains one sample letter but it never mentions the college the student is interested in. Pretty standard resume but doesn’t include any sports related stats which is probably a mistake.

The Athletic Factory Planning Guide for the College Bound Student Athlete. I’m not impressed with the sample resume but it’s the only guide that shows the actual number of teams sponsored by sport. Also includes the NCAA recruiting calendar which lets you know when coaches can contact you. This can change yearly so you need to double check with the NCAA.

Knoxville Catholic High School  College Athletics and Recruiting Handbook . Detailed description of the recruiting process. Provides numbers of players who make it to the next level and what it means when a coach contacts you. Includes a sample letter, sample athletic resume, sample follow-up letter, and statistics by sport. Dated from 2011.

Collegiate Soccer Academy  Soccer Resume .  Only player profile template I’ve seen that includes a link to a video setup as an image so that it looks embedded. Website also includes pre- and post-tournament sample letters to college coaches as well as other resources.

Weston High School  A guide for High School Student Athletes and Parents . General tips as well as what to do year by year. Includes a glossary of terms and sample resumes for individual and team sports.

HS Baseball Web  The Introduction Letter . A basic sample geared for baseball players. However, the website includes a “Schedule” letter as well as an unscientific poll as to whether coaches prefer emails or letter.

NCSA  How to Create a College Recruiting Resume .  You’ll find how to write an introduction, what academic information to include as well as specific information for football, basketball, baseball, soccer, volleyball, and softball.

Orinda Aquatics Sports Resume, Cover Letter & Correspondence.  Word document that has a sample athletic resume, coaches letter, and samples of other letters to keep the coach updated including a thank you letter.

Campolindo High School  Sample Student-Athlete Resume . Nothing special but some might find the sample letter useful.

South Carolina United FC  College Recruiting Support . Includes sample player profiles and emails/letters. The webpage also has a yearly to do list and questions to ask a college coach.

San Diego Mustangs Rugby  Sample Rugby Recruit Athlete Resume.  Another sample resume but with a Rugby perspective. The website does include Top U.C. and CSC application mistakes that may not apply to your situation but are something you should check on just in case.

National High School Golf Association  Good and bad examples of a college golf resume .  PDF examples of a “good” and “bad” resume. While the stats are for golf, it shows how to format your general information into a working athletic resume.

Broomfield Soccer Club  Player Profile Template.   Simple, easy to modify player profile template in Word format.

Lake Norman Lightning Player Profile Template . Another easy-to-use template in Word format but with a softball orientation.

NCSA How to Email College Coaches . This is a comprehensive explanation on emailing a coach including sample subject lines, a breakdown of the email content by sections, and sample emails.

Athlete Match  Sample Emails . Introduction and follow-up email templates with an explanation of why they work.

USA Today Recruiting Column:  How to get your first email noticed by college coaches .  Critique of a good and a bad email to a coach.

Exact Sports  Sample Letters from Athletes to College Coaches .  Provides 2 good samples and 2 bad samples, an initial letter, and a follow up.

CollegeHockeyInc.com  10 Steps to a Great Hockey Resume.  Lists needed elements for the athletic resume as well as a sample resume.

Also read:  6 Things High School Baseball Players Must Have on Their Athletic Profile

CONNECT WITH OTHER PARENTS WITH PROSPECTIVE COLLEGE ATHLETES JOIN THE COLLEGE RECRUITING PARENT ZONE

Make Sure You Send Your Profile to the Schools Will Recruit You Get Your Copy of the DIY College Rankings Baseball Spreadsheet

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College Admissions

Are you hoping to be a college athlete, either as a recruit , walk on, or just as someone who is particularly talented at a sport and thinks that'll be what makes you stand out to colleges? If athletics has dominated your high school years, you may be wondering how you can translate that skill and dedication towards a strong college application. That's where we come in! I n this in-depth guide on how to get into college as an athlete, we'll explain how you can create a strong athletic "spike" that'll showcase your athletic abilities, impress college admissions teams, and show that you're a top-notch applicant who they want at their school.

What Do Colleges Look for in Applicants?

There are lots of misconceptions around what it takes to get into college, especially as an athlete. Some people think your grades don't matter if you're hoping to be a recruited athlete, some think your sports don't matter to colleges if you're not a recruit, and some don't fully understand the difference in college admissions between a recruited athlete and a high school student who is simply very committed to their sport. Many people think you need to excel in a lot of areas in order to show schools that you have a lot of different skills. However, for many top programs, being well-rounded can actually put you at a disadvantage. 

What the most competitive schools want to see is that you're highly-skilled in a specific area. So, instead of being pretty good in all your classes, being in a club or two, playing a sport at perhaps a JV level, doing some volunteer work, competing in some sports tournaments, etc. you'll be a much stronger art candidate if you can clearly show your talent for athletics. Having a strong focus in a single area is what we call a "spike." We go into spikes more in this article , but, basically, a spike is where you focus your talents in one area so that you become exceptional in it, rather than be "pretty good" in a bunch of different areas.

So, if your spike is athletics, you want as many parts of your application to relate back to your sport as possible. Why is the spike approach better? Think about some famous athletes. How well did Michael Phelps do on his SAT? Did Serena Williams play an instrument in her high school marching band? What grade did Tom Brady get in Algebra II? You don't know, right? That's because you and everyone else are primarily concerned with how well these athletes compete . If they're winning games, it doesn't matter if they weren't in the National Honor Society, you'll still love them, and if they're losing, knowing they completed a lot of high school volunteer hours won't ease the sting.

If you're trying to get into college as an athlete, schools are primarily interested in your athletic abilities. You still need to prove you can handle college-level coursework, but schools won't care about "filler" activities like a couple hours helping out at an animal shelter, a passing interest in guitar playing, or being treasurer of your school's finance club. They want to see a strong athletic spike.

What constitutes an athletic spike? If you're being considered for recruitment, or if you're ranked at least at the state level, that's enough for the start of a strong spike. If you're not ranked but are team captain and heavily involved in the sport, that also has the potential to be an athletic spike. We discuss both options more throughout the article.

How Can You Impress Colleges as an Athlete?

Below, we break down how to make each key part of your athletic spike as strong as possible throughout your application. We go over:

Test Scores

Extracurriculars, personal statements.

• Letter of Recommendation

For each, we give concrete goals to aim for, as well as general qualities your application should have throughout. In general, remember that you want your athletic talents to be most prominent, but you don't want to slack in other areas to make schools doubt you can handle college classes.

Even if you're a star athlete, you'll struggle to get admitted into colleges if schools don't think you'd pass their classes. This means you need to take your high school classes seriously and do well enough in them to show you can handle college-level material.

We recommend choosing a subject area to focus on, such as science or history. Ideally, this focus will tie into your future career (so if you want to study medicine, you'd focus on science, or if you wanted to go into journalism, you'd focus on English classes), but if you don't know what you want to study, choose your focus based on the classes that interest you most/that you do best in. Your academic focus should be where you take the most challenging classes (including honors and AP), and, ideally, where your grades are highest. Think of it as a mini academic spike in addition to your athletic spike.

So, if your spike is in science, you'd want to take math and science classes at a more challenging level and aim for the highest grades in those classes. That doesn't mean you can slack off on your classes in other subject areas, but you don't need to take them at as advanced a level if it would be too much for your schedule. Athletes often have limited time after school, and having this academic focus can help you prioritize that time instead of trying to cram in a bunch of difficult classes which could impact your athletics if you're too tired/stressed.

For all your classes, we recommend taking the most difficult level of a class you can while still getting a "B" or higher in the class. So taking AP Physics isn't worth it if you think you'd get a C or D in the class; it's better to take it at the honors or regular level in that case. Again, if you're struggling to know which honors or AP classes to take, choose those in your academic focus first.

As to the GPA you should aim for, it depends on the schools you're applying to. If you're planning on being a recruited athlete, you should aim for just below a school's median GPA for admitted students. So, if you're applying to a school with an average weighted GPA of 3.5, you'd want your own GPA to be about a 2.8. You can multiply the school median by 0.8 to get a GPA to aim for.

If you're not a recruited athlete, you'll want to aim for at least the average GPA for admitted students, and ideally the 75th percentile. So, for example, if you're applying to Purdue University , the 75th percentile of weighted GPA for admitted students is a 3.9. That's a great goal to aim for. If you're concerned about your GPA, check out our guide on raising your high school GPA .

Some people think that recruited athletes don't need to worry about test scores, but, just as with classes, you need to prove to schools that you'll do well as a student there. If you are aiming to be recruited and/or have otherwise very impressive sports credentials, you can aim a little lower than other applicants. For example, if you're applying to a school with a median SAT of 1540, achieving a 1500 will put you in a great spot.

If you're planning on being an NCAA athlete, it's also important, for both your GPA and your test scores, that you meet NCAA SAT score or ACT score requirements .

If you're not aiming to be a recruited athlete, and you don't have a national or international ranking in your sport, you'll have the same SAT score goals as other applicants. Read our guides to setting SAT and ACT goal scores to come up with more precise score estimates. We recommend aiming for the 75th percentile for admitted students. So, for example, if you want to attend Purdue University , their 75th percentiles are a 1420 for the SAT and a 33 for the ACT. You'd set one of those as your goal (depending on which test you're taking) to aim for. Of course plenty of students are admitted with lower test scores than that (a full half of the freshman class, actually), but it's a good goal to have to give you the best chance of being admitted.

If you're concerned about your test scores, know that it's possible to make a significant jump in your score if you study. Check out our guides on raising your SAT or ACT scores for more information.

This is where you get to discuss your sport! Extracurriculars is the area that really allows applicants to stand out from the pack, and this is especially true for students with athletic spikes. When adding your sport(s) to your application, here are some tips:

• Include any awards/titles you've won.
• This is often what can help you stand out, especially if you're ranked at a state level or above. This can also include stats you're particularly proud of.
• Include the number of hours you commit to the sport per week. 
• This includes anything related to the sport like training. Your sport likely takes up quite a bit of your time, so be sure colleges see the time and effort you're dedicating to it. It'll show you have a real passion for the sport and aren't afraid of hard work.
• Include any leadership roles or responsibilities.
• Colleges love to see leadership experience. If you were team captain, organized a new training schedule, began a mentoring program for new athletes, etc. be sure to include it! Anything where you took charge is fair game.
• Include any camps or intensive programs you participated in.
• Mention the hours you spent at these as well. These are another way to show you're committed to your sport and have the ability to stick with something.

Non-Sport Extracurriculars

A common pitfall students fall into is thinking they need to show a diverse and broad array of extracurriculars. Don't fall for this! Remember, your goal is to make your athletic spike as strong as possible, so you'll want to concentrate most of your time and energy on your sport (which is probably what you want to do, anyway).

For extracurriculars, you should focus on staying on top of your sport and your schoolwork first. Only once you feel comfortable managing both those things should you consider taking on additional extracurriculars. Bulking out your extracurriculars with a bunch of half-hearted activities won't impress colleges, so save yourself the time! If you can manage it, add one or two activities that you truly enjoy and that don't overload your schedule. These can be anything: clubs, volunteering, a musical instrument, a job, etc. 

You aren't required to write about sports for your personal statement(s) , but we highly recommend it as a way to continue to strengthen your spike. Your personal statement also gives you space to discuss how you got into sports/what sports mean to you/what your goals as an athlete are/etc. It's a level of depth that other parts of the college application don't allow. This is your chance for schools to really understand what makes you tick as an athlete.

Some essay prompts are easy to tie into sports, others less so. It's fine (and even advisable) to discuss something other than sports, but you should aim to at least mention your athletics somewhere in your personal statements. Here are some ways to do this using common essay prompts:

Why do you want to attend this school? For this prompt, you can mention the school's athletic program, but also be sure to discuss specific academic offerings the school has to show you'll take your education seriously. You can also add reasons like your favorite athlete went there, you cheered for the school as a kid, etc. Also discuss how attending the school will help you achieve your goals as an athlete to show you're looking towards the future.

Describe a problem you've solved: Overcoming an injury, working things out with a teammate or coach you didn't agree with, discovering a better way to practice or train, figuring out a way to practice without a lot of money/equipment, etc.

Discuss an accomplishment you're proud of: Winning a sports competition, meeting an athletic goal you set for yourself, mentoring other athletes, building up your teammates after a tough loss, etc.

• Describe a favorite childhood memory . The first time you played the sport, the first time you watched a sports competition, meeting a sports idol, the first time you won a competition, learning to play the sport with friends/parents/mentors, etc.

Letters of Recommendation

If the schools you're applying to require letters of recommendation, follow any rules they have about who can write them. They often must be written by a high school teacher, and some schools have specifications on the subject the teacher must have taught you (for example, you may need one letter from a math/science teacher and one letter from an English/history teacher).

However, that means your coach, possibly the person who knows your personality and talents best, may not be one of your official letter writers. If that's the case, it may be possible to send an additional letter of rec they're written; lots of schools allow these "extra" letters written by someone who isn't necessarily your teacher but still knows you well. If this is a possibility, you should definitely take advantage of it, as having a written record of all the positive things your coach thinks of you can add a nice boost to your athletic spike.

For all your letters of recommendation, when you ask someone to write you a letter (which you should always do in person, when possible), it's very helpful if you include a "brag sheet" or list of accomplishments/qualities you're proud of. This both helps the teacher know what to write and helps you make sure your best achievements have a better chance of being discussed. For a coach teacher writing a letter of rec, there may be specific awards or skills you want them to mention. 

For other teachers, they'll obviously discuss other things besides your athletic ability. That's fine, as you also want to show schools that you will be a solid student and do well in your classes. Potential things for them to discuss include your strong work ethic, skill in a particular subject area, willingness to help other students, etc. Remember, you can't control what teachers will write about in your letters, but by offering suggestions and potentially discussing what they'll include, you can make sure they're writing a letter they feel comfortable with and that highlights the accomplishments you want.

What Do Good Examples of Athletic Spikes Look Like?

Below are two hypothetical examples of high school seniors with athletic spikes. They've both been accepted into the same school, a Tier 2 school where the average accepted student has a weighted GPA of 3.75, average SAT of 1300 or average ACT of 28. The school has an acceptance rate of 55%. These are all hypothetical examples, but they can give you a better understanding of the goals you should set for yourself, whether you're aiming to be a recruited athlete or not.

Profile 1: Michael the Recruited Athlete

Extracurriculars: Michael has played basketball since elementary school, and he has been on his high school's varsity team since freshman year. Michael has set a new school record, helped his team win multiple tournaments, and was named All American. He got a lot of attention from recruiters and could have played basketball at several schools. Additionally, he volunteers at an animal shelter during the off-season and is a member of his school's outdoor club.

Grades: Michael has taken advanced classes in math, economics, and science. He doesn't enjoy history or English classes as much, and takes them at the regular level. He's gotten a mix of mostly As and Bs, with a few Cs. His weighted GPA is 3.2. 

Test Scores: Michael took the SAT, and he earned a 630 in Math, and 560 in EBRW. He's received a 3 and a 4 in his AP scores, and he's taking two more AP classes his senior year.

Personal Statement: For his personal statement on why he's interested in the school, he discusses both a favorite childhood memory of watching the school's football team make an incredible comeback at a game he attended with his parents. Since then, he's been an ardent fan. He also discusses his career hopes of going into economics, and he discusses professors and classes he's particularly interested in.

Letters of Rec: The two teachers who write Michael's letters praise him as a friendly, positive influence who is a great team player on group projects and sees tricky subjects as a challenge to overcome. They both agree Michael works well with other students, has a sincere interest in learning, and is a genuinely nice person.

Michael's profile shows how being a recruited athlete can impact the test scores and grades you need to be accepted into a school. Both his GPA and his SAT scores are below the school's average, but they're within the 80% cutoff we recommended, so the school is still confident he can manage his course load. As you can see in his extracurriculars, basketball takes up most of Michael's time, and he doesn't participate in many other activities. This is fine since Michael is such a strong basketball recruit. Positive letters of rec and a forward-looking personal statement round out his application.

Profile 2: Kyle the Football Captain

Extracurriculars: Kyle has played football since middle school. He was on his high school's JV team his freshman and sophomore year, made the varsity team his junior year, and became team captain his senior year. He's a talented football player, but not at the level of being a recruited player. As a junior, Kyle created a mentorship program where upperclassman athletes are paired with an underclassman athlete to show them the ropes, help them form friendships, and act as a positive influence. The mentorship program was a success and has now expanded to the basketball and soccer teams. Kyle was fundamental in getting it started and spends a lot of time working with others to make sure it keeps growing and improving. Over the summers, Kyle works as a lifeguard, and during the school year he is also involved in his school's photography clubs and future medical professionals club. Both meet about once a month.

Grades: Kyle wants to go into kinesiology or physical therapy, so he's taken a lot of math and science classes, including some at the honors and AP level. He takes his English and social science classes mostly at the regular level, but does well in them. His weighted GPA is 3.86.

Test Scores: Kyle took the ACT and earned a 30. He's taken three AP classes and earned two 5s and a 4. He's taking three more AP classes his senior year. 

Personal Statement: Kyle's personal statement is about a challenge he has overcome. He discusses how difficult it was to start at a new school where he didn't know anyone and how lonely it was in the beginning. After making his high school's football team, he meets many of his closest friends and learns how sports can bring people together. He then discusses how he developed his mentorship program to help other new athletes find their community. He mentions that he's seen the college has a similar program for new freshmen, and he's excited to get involved with it.

Letters of Rec: Kyle's AP biology teacher writes his letter of recommendation. In it, she discusses how Kyle is a strong student who clearly makes an effort to do well in class. She also recounts an instance where Kyle helped a student who had missed a lot of class due to illness catch up on the work he needed. This reinforced the teacher's view of Kyle as a compassionate person who looks out for others who might be struggling. Kyle's football coach also writes a supplemental letter of recommendation where he describes watching Kyle evolve from a shy freshman to a team leader who looks out for all the other players on the team. He mentions specific instances of Kyle helping other players out and improving team morale.

Kyle isn't a recruited athlete, but he still has a strong athletic spike that got him accepted into this school. His grades and test scores are above the school's average, so he's strong on the academic front. He's a good football player and captain of his varsity team, so it's fine he doesn't have a ton of other extracurriculars. A great way Kyle has stood out is through his mentorship program. He's combined his love of sports with desire to help people, and, as a result, has strengthened his athletic spike without winning state championships or other similar-level honors. From his personal statement and letters of rec, he seems to be a very caring person with strong leadership qualities, which colleges love to see. It gets him admitted even though he's not a superstar football player.

What's Next?

Got more questions about the college recruiting process? Take a look at our in-depth guide to college athletic recruiting to learn even more about what the process entails.

Curious about the NCAA?  Read about the differences between the different NCAA divisions , and get the full lists of NCAA Division I , Division II , and Division III schools .

Know any artists hoping to use their art as their college spike? Check out our complete guide on how to get into college as an artist.

Christine graduated from Michigan State University with degrees in Environmental Biology and Geography and received her Master's from Duke University. In high school she scored in the 99th percentile on the SAT and was named a National Merit Finalist. She has taught English and biology in several countries.

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Ncsa: tips for your college personal essay, share this article.

USA TODAY High School Sports has a weekly column on the college recruiting process. Here, you’ll find practical tips and real-world advice on becoming a better recruit to maximize your opportunities and play at the college level. Joe is a former college athlete and coach at the NAIA level, where he earned an NAIA National Championship. Joe is just one of many former college and professional players, college coaches and parents who are part of the  Next College Student Athlete team. Their knowledge, experience and dedication, along with NCSA’s history of digital innovation and long-standing relationship with the college coaching community, have made NCSA the largest and most successful athletic recruiting network in the country.

Admission into college can be an overwhelming process, particularly when it comes to writing your first personal essay. As a student-athlete, in addition to developing your sport skills, you should start thinking about your academic eligibility when you begin freshman year to ensure that you’re eligible for the schools on your target list. No matter your athletic skills, college coaches usually won’t recruit students who they believe aren’t qualified academically for their schools.

Academic Eligibility Requirements for Student-Athletes

Since your courses, grades, and standardized test scores are set factors in your application process, you may want to view your personal essay as an opening to tell your story, display your interests, talents and motivations. The tips below will help you prepare and write an essay that might land you in your dream college.

• Choose the right essay topic. Since there are no restrictions, take your time to choose a topic you are passionate about—one which you can explore extensively. Ideally, pick a topic that highlights aspects about yourself that make you a great addition to a team’s roster.
• Be concise. Be sure to follow guidelines provided for the length of the essay.
• Be honest and use your voice. Genuine work is easily detected. Your essay is an opportunity to differentiate yourself from other applicants with similar tests scores and GPAs, so it’s important to be original and authentic, rather than relying on generic or overused ideas.
• Avoid grammatical errors and weak sentence structures. An essay filled with misspellings, poorly placed words and irrelevant clauses will stand out for the wrong reasons. The admissions board might perceive you as careless.

Application deadlines and processes

Write an essay that shows your character

NCSA’s 2019 State of Recruiting report examined major themes in college athletic recruiting based on results of a national survey to student-athletes, parents, club coaches, high school coaches, and college coaches.

One of the survey’s key findings was that college coaches value a recruit’s character more than athletic ability. While colleges typically only reach out to student-athletes who meet their athletic standards, coaches want to make sure they clear the character test before making an offer. By using your personal essay to showcase your character (things like leadership, values, work ethic, overcoming adversity, respect, and honesty), you can set yourself apart from other potential recruits.

While college coaches aren’t directly involved in the overall college admissions process, writing your personal essay with the coach perspective in mind can be great practice for thinking about and learning how to express your best qualities, and that can help boost your confidence in conversations with coaches.

2019 NCSA State of Recruiting Report

Keep in mind to work closely with your college counselor. Should you decide to tell a sports story in your college essay, let it be something powerful to grab the attention of the college’s admissions committee. Writing an impressive essay won’t occur overnight. Therefore, you might need to write several college essay drafts until you finally craft the message that best represents you as a potential student-athlete. Closely review the application instructions for schools you’ll apply to – at some schools, you may be able to submit a video instead of a written essay.

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How to Write an Amazing Personal Statement (Includes Examples!)

Lisa Freedland is a Scholarships360 writer with personal experience in psychological research and content writing. She has written content for an online fact-checking organization and has conducted research at the University of Southern California as well as the University of California, Irvine. Lisa graduated from the University of Southern California in Fall 2021 with a degree in Psychology.

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Zach Skillings is the Scholarships360 Newsletter Editor. He specializes in college admissions and strives to answer important questions about higher education. When he’s not contributing to Scholarships360, Zach writes about travel, music, film, and culture. His work has been published in Our State Magazine, Ladygunn Magazine, The Nocturnal Times, and The Lexington Dispatch. Zach graduated from Elon University with a degree in Cinema and Television Arts.

Bill Jack has over a decade of experience in college admissions and financial aid. Since 2008, he has worked at Colby College, Wesleyan University, University of Maine at Farmington, and Bates College.

Maria Geiger is Director of Content at Scholarships360. She is a former online educational technology instructor and adjunct writing instructor. In addition to education reform, Maria’s interests include viewpoint diversity, blended/flipped learning, digital communication, and integrating media/web tools into the curriculum to better facilitate student engagement. Maria earned both a B.A. and an M.A. in English Literature from Monmouth University, an M. Ed. in Education from Monmouth University, and a Virtual Online Teaching Certificate (VOLT) from the University of Pennsylvania.

The personal statement. It’s one of the most important parts of the entire college application process. This essay is the perfect opportunity to show admissions officers who you are and what makes you stand out from the crowd. But writing a good personal statement isn’t exactly easy. That’s why we’ve put together the ultimate guide on how to nail your personal statement, complete with example essays . Each essay was reviewed and commented upon by admissions expert Bill Jack. Let’s dive in!

Related: How to write an essay about yourself  

What is a personal statement? 

A personal statement is a special type of essay that’s required when you’re applying to colleges and scholarship programs. In this essay, you’re expected to share something about who you are and what you bring to the table. Think of it as a chance to reveal a side of yourself not found in the rest of your application. Personal statements are typically around 400 – 600 words in length. 

What can I write about? 

Pretty much anything, as long as it’s about you . While this is liberating in the sense that your writing options are nearly unlimited, it’s also overwhelming for the same reason. The good news is that you’ll probably be responding to a specific prompt. Chances are you’re applying to a school that uses the Common App , which means you’ll have seven prompts to choose from . Reviewing these prompts can help generate some ideas, but so can asking yourself meaningful questions. 

Below you’ll find a list of questions to ask yourself during the brainstorming process. For each of the following questions, spend a few minutes jotting down whatever comes to mind. 

• What experiences have shaped who you are? 
• What’s special or unique about you or your life story? 
• Who or what has inspired you the most? 
• What accomplishments are you most proud of? 
• What are your goals for the future? How have you arrived at those goals? 
• If your life was a movie, what would be the most interesting scene? 
• What have been some of the biggest challenges in your life? How did you respond and what did you learn? 

The purpose of these questions is to prompt you to think about your life at a deeper level. Hopefully by reflecting on them, you’ll find an essay topic that is impactful and meaningful. In the next section, we’ll offer some advice on actually writing your essay. 

Also see:  How to write a 500 word essay

How do I write my personal statement? 

Once you’ve found a topic, it’s time to start writing! Every personal statement is different, so there’s not really one formula that works for every student. That being said, the following tips should get you started in the right direction:  

1. Freewrite, then rewrite 

The blank page tends to get more intimidating the longer you stare at it, so it’s best to go ahead and jump right in! Don’t worry about making the first draft absolutely perfect. Instead, just get your ideas on the page and don’t spend too much time thinking about the finer details. Think of this initial writing session as a “brain dump”. Take 15-30 minutes to quickly empty all your thoughts onto the page without worrying about things like grammar, spelling, or sentence structure. You can even use bullet points if that helps. Once you have your ideas on the page, then you can go back and shape them exactly how you want. 

2. Establish your theme 

Now that you’ve got some basic ideas down on the page, it’s time to lock in on a theme. Your theme is a specific angle that reflects the central message of your essay. It can be summarized in a sentence or even a word. For example, let’s say you’re writing about how you had to establish a whole new group of friends when you moved to a new city. The theme for this type of essay would probably be something like “adaptation”. Having a theme will help you stay focused throughout your essay. Since you only have a limited number of words, you can’t afford to go off on tangents that don’t relate to your theme. 

3. Tell a story

A lot of great essays rely on a specific scene or story. Find the personal anecdote relevant to your theme and transfer it to the page. The best way to do this is by using descriptive language. Consult the five senses as you’re setting the scene. What did you see, hear, taste, touch, or smell? How were you feeling emotionally? Using descriptive language can really help your essay come to life. According to UPchieve , a nonprofit that supports low income students, focusing on a particular moment as a “ revised version of a memoir ” is one way to keep readers engaged. 

Related: College essay primer: show, don’t tell  

4. Focus on your opening paragraph

Your opening paragraph should grab your reader’s attention and set the tone for the rest of your essay. In most cases, this is the best place to include your anecdote (if you have one). By leading with your personal story, you can hook your audience from the get-go. After telling your story, you can explain why it’s important to who you are. 

Related:  How to start a scholarship essay (with examples)

5. Use an authentic voice 

Your personal statement reflects who you are, so you should use a tone that represents you. That means you shouldn’t try to sound like someone else, and you shouldn’t use fancy words just to show off. This isn’t an academic paper, so you don’t have to adopt a super formal tone. Instead, write in a way that allows room for your personality to breathe. 

6. Edit, edit, edit…

Once you’re done writing, give yourself some time away from the essay. Try to allow a few days to pass before looking at the essay again with fresh eyes. This way, you’re more likely to pick up on spelling and grammatical errors. You may even get some new ideas and rethink the way you wrote some things. Once you’re satisfied, let someone else edit your essay. We recommend asking a teacher, parent, or sibling for their thoughts before submitting. 

Examples of personal statements 

Sometimes viewing someone else’s work is the best way to generate inspiration and get the creative juices flowing. The following essays are written in response to four different Common App prompts: 

Prompt 1: “Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.”

When I was eight years old, I wanted a GameCube very badly. For weeks I hounded my dad to buy me one and finally he agreed. But there was a catch. He’d only get me a GameCube if I promised to start reading. Every day I played video games, I would have to pick up a book and read for at least one hour. At that point in my life, reading was just something I had to suffer through for school assignments. To read for pleasure seemed ludicrous. Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly thrilled about this proposed agreement. But I figured anything was worth it to get my hands on that shiny new video game console, so I bit the bullet and shook my dad’s hand. Little did I know that I had just made a life-changing deal. 

At first, the required hour of reading was a chore — something I had to do so I could play Mario Kart. But it quickly turned into something more than that. To my complete and utter surprise, I discovered that I actually enjoyed reading. One hour turned into two, two turned into three, and after a while I was spending more time reading than I was playing video games. I found myself captivated by the written word, and I read everything I could get my hands on. Lord of the Rings , Percy Jackson , Goosebumps — you name it. I was falling in love with literature, while my GameCube was accumulating dust in the TV stand. 

Soon enough, reading led to writing. I was beginning to come up with my own stories, so I put pen to paper and let my imagination run wild. It started out small. My first effort was a rudimentary picture book about a friendly raccoon who went to the moon. But things progressed. My stories became more intricate, my characters more complex. I wrote a series of science fiction novellas. I tried my hand at poetry. I was amazed at the worlds I could create with the tip of my pen. I had dreams of becoming an author. 

Then somewhere along the way my family got a subscription to Netflix, and that completely changed the way I thought about storytelling. My nose had been buried in books up until then, so I hadn’t really seen a lot of movies. That quickly changed. It seemed like every other day a pair of new DVDs would arrive in the mail (this was the early days of Netflix). Dark Knight, The Truman Show, Inception, Memento — all these great films were coming in and out of the house. And I couldn’t get enough of them. Movies brought stories to life in a way that books could not. I was head over heels for visual storytelling. 

Suddenly I wasn’t writing novels and short stories anymore. I was writing scripts for movies. Now I wanted to transfer my ideas to the big screen, rather than the pages of a book. But I was still doing the same thing I had always done. I was writing, just in a different format. To help with this process, I read the screenplays of my favorite films and paid attention to the way they were crafted. I kept watching more and more movies. And I hadn’t forgotten about my first love, either. I still cherished books and looked to them for inspiration. By the end of my junior year of high school, I had completed two scripts for short films. 

So why am I telling you all this? Because I want to turn my love of storytelling into a career. I’m not totally sure how to do that yet, but I know I have options. Whether it’s film production, creative writing, or even journalism, I want to find a major that suits my ambitions. Writing has taken me a long way, and I know it can take me even further. As I step into this next chapter of my life, I couldn’t be more excited to see how my craft develops. In the meantime, I should probably get rid of that dusty old GameCube. 

Feedback from admissions professional Bill Jack

Essays don’t always have to reveal details about the student’s intended career path, but one thing I like about this essay is that it gives the reader a sense of the why. Why do they want to pursue storytelling. It also shows the reader that they are open to how they pursue their interest. Being open to exploration is such a vital part of college, so it’s also showing the reader that they likely will be open to new things in college. And, it’s always fun to learn a little bit more about the student’s family, especially if the reader can learn about how the students interacts with their family. 

Prompt 2: “The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?”

I remember my first impression of Irvine: weird. It was foggy, stock-full of greenery and eucalyptus trees, and reminded me of my 5th grade trip to a “science camp” which was located in the San Bernardino mountains. Besides Irvine, that was one of the few places in Southern California where you’d find so many non-palm trees. 

Of course, perhaps my initial impression of Irvine was biased, motivated by a desire to stay in my hometown and a fear of the unknown. While that was true to an extent, Irvine was certainly still a little peculiar. The city itself was based on a “master plan” of sorts, with the location of each of its schools, parks, shops, and arguably its trees having been logically “picked” before the foundation was poured. Even the homes all looked roughly the same, with their beige, stucco walls almost serving as a hallmark of the city itself.

Thus, this perfectly structured, perfectly safe city seemed like a paradise of sorts to many outsiders, my parents included. I was a little more hesitant to welcome this. As I saw it, this was a phony city – believing that its uniformity stood for a lack of personality. My hometown, although not as flawlessly safe nor clean as Irvine, was where most of my dearest memories had occurred. From the many sleepovers at Cindie’s house, to trying to avoid my school’s own version of the “infamous” cheese touch, to the many laughs shared with friends and family, I shed a tear at the prospect of leaving my home.

Moving into the foreign city, remnants of the hostility I held towards Irvine remained. Still dwelling in my memories of the past, I was initially unable to see Irvine as a “home.” So, as I walked into my first-ever Irvine class, being greeted by many kind, yet unfamiliar faces around me, I was unable to recognize that some of those new faces would later become some of my dearest friends. Such negative feelings about the city were further reinforced by newer, harder classes, and more complicated homework. Sitting in the discomfort of this unfamiliar environment, it started to seem that “change” was something not only inevitable, but insurmountable.

As the years went on, however, this idea seemed to fade. I got used to my classes and bike racing through Irvine neighborhoods with my friends, watching the trees that once seemed just a “weird” green blob soon transform into one of my favorite parts of the city. While I kept my old, beloved memories stored, I made space for new ones. From carefully making our way over the narrow creek path next to our school, to the laughs we shared during chemistry class, my new memories made with friends seemed to transform a city I once disliked into one I would miss. 

Through this transformation, I have come to recognize that change, although sometimes intimidating at first, can open the door to great times and meaningful connections. Although Irvine may have once seemed like a strange, “phony” place that I couldn’t wait to be rid of, the memories and laughs I had grown to share there were very real. As I move onto this next part of my life, I hope I can use this knowledge that I have gained from my time in Irvine to make the most of what’s to come. Even if the change may be frightening at first, I have learned to embrace what’s on the other side, whether green or not.

One huge plus to writing an essay that focuses on a place is that you might have it read by someone who has been there. Yet, what’s really helpful about this essay is that even if someone hasn’t been there, a picture is painted about what the place is like.  Admission officers have the hard task of really understanding what the student sees, so the use of adjectives and imagery can really help.  It’s also really clever to see that the green that’s mentioned at the beginning is mentioned at the end.  It’s a nice way to bookend the essay and tie it all together.

Prompt 6: “Describe a topic, idea, or concept you find so engaging that it makes you lose all track of time. Why does it captivate you? What or who do you turn to when you want to learn more?”

I like getting lost. Not literally, of course, but figuratively. Whether it be in the story of a love song by Taylor Swift, or in the memories brought back by listening to my favorite childhood video game’s background music, I’ve always appreciated music’s ability to transport me to another place, another time, another feeling. 

Alas, I cannot sing, nor have I practiced an instrument since my middle school piano class days. So, perhaps Kurt Vonnegut was right. As he puts it, “Virtually every writer I know would rather be a musician.” While I cannot speak for others, I have certainly not debunked his theory. Writing allows many, including myself, to attempt to mimic the transformative power of music – even if our singing voices aren’t exactly “pleasant.” Just as you can get lost in music, you can do so in a story. Whether it is in George Orwell’s totalitarian Oceania, or Little Women’s Orchard House, the stories outlined in novels can provide an amazing look into the lives and worlds of others, and an escape from the worries and problems of those in your own.

While I am certainly not claiming to have the storytelling abilities of the Orwells or Alcotts before me, I’ve had fun trying to recreate such transformative feelings for others. When I was nine, I attempted to write a story about a little girl who had gotten lost in the woods, only managing to get a couple pages through. As I got older, whenever I was assigned a creative writing assignment in school, I wrote about the same pig, Phil. He was always angry: in my 8th grade science class, Phil was mad at some humans who had harbored his friend captive, and in my 9th grade English class, at a couple who robbed him. 

Thus, when I heard about a writing club being opened at my school in 11th grade, I knew I had to join. I wanted to discern whether writing was just a hobby I picked up now and then, or a true passion. If it was a passion, I wanted to learn as much as possible about how I could improve. Although my high school’s writing club certainly wasn’t going to transform me into Shakespeare, I knew I could learn a lot from it – and I did. The club challenged me to do many things, from writing on the spot, to writing poetry, to even writing about myself, something that’s hopefully coming in handy right now. 

From then on, I started to expand into different types of writing, storing short ideas, skits, and more in appropriately-labeled Google Drive folders. At around the same time, I became interested in classic literature, which largely stemmed from a project in English class. We had been required to choose and read a classic on our own, then present it to the class in an interesting way. While my book was certainly interesting and unique in its own right, nearly everyone else’s novels seemed more captivating to me. So, I took it upon myself to read as many classics as I could the following summer.

One of the books I read during the summer, funnily enough, was Animal Farm, which starred angry pigs, reminiscent of Phil. I had also started going over different ideas in my head, thinking about how I could translate them into words using the new skills I learned. While the writing club helped reaffirm my interest in writing and allowed me to develop new skills, my newfound affinity for classics gave me inspiration to write. Now, I am actually considering writing as part of my future. In this endeavor, I hope that Phil, and the music I inevitably listen to as I write, will accompany me every step of the way.

Admission officers might read 70 (or more!) essays in one day. It’s not uncommon for them to start to blend together and sound similar. This essay might not make you laugh out loud. But, it might make the reader chuckle while reading it thanks to the subtle humor and levity. Being able to incorporate a little humor into your essay (if it is natural for you to do… do not force it), can really be a great way to shed additional light into who you are. Remember, the essay isn’t merely about proving that you can write, but it should also reveal a little bit about your personality.

Prompt 5: “Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.”

I learned a lot of things during the summer I worked at Tropical Smoothie. I discovered the value of hard work. I figured out how to save money. I even mastered the art of the Mango Magic smoothie (the secret is lots of sugar). But most importantly, I learned the power of perspective. And I have Deja to thank for that. 

Deja was my shift supervisor, and one of Tropical Smoothie’s best employees. She was punctual, friendly, and always willing to lend a helping hand. She knew the store from top to bottom, and could handle pretty much any situation thrown her way. She made everyone around her better. On top of all that, she was four months pregnant! I was always impressed by Deja’s work ethic, but I gained an entirely new level of respect for her one day.

It was a Friday night, and Deja and I were working the closing shift together. It was very busy, and Deja and I were the only ones on shift. We managed to get by, but we were exhausted by the end of the evening. After wiping down the counters and mopping the floors, we closed up shop and went our separate ways. I was eager to get home. 

I walked a couple blocks to where I had parked my car. Well, it wasn’t my car actually. It was my dad’s ‘98 Chevy pickup truck, and it was in rough shape. It had no heat or A/C, the leather seats were cracked beyond repair, and the driver’s side door was jammed shut. I sighed as I got in through the passenger side and scooted over to the driver’s seat. The whole reason I was working at Tropical Smoothie was to save up enough money to buy my own car. I was hoping to have something more respectable to drive during my senior year of high school. 

I cranked the old thing up and started on my way home. But soon enough, I spotted Deja walking on the side of the road. There was no sidewalk here, the light was low, and she was dangerously close to the passing cars. I pulled over and offered her a ride. She got in and explained that she was on her way home. Apparently she didn’t have a car and had been walking to work every day. I couldn’t believe it. Here I was complaining about my set of wheels, while Deja didn’t have any to begin with.

We got to talking, and she confessed that she had been having a tough time. You would never know from the way she was so cheerful at work, but Deja had a lot on her plate. She was taking care of her mother, her boyfriend had just lost his job, and she was worried about making ends meet. And of course, she was expecting a baby in five months. On top of all that, she had been walking nearly a mile to and from work every day. The whole thing was a real eye opener, and made me reconsider some things in my own life. 

For one, I didn’t mind driving my dad’s truck anymore. It was banged up, sure, but it was a lot better than nothing. My mindset had changed. I appreciated the truck now. I began to think about other things differently, too. I started making mental notes of all the things in my life I was thankful for — my family, my friends, my health. I became grateful for what I had, instead of obsessing over the things I didn’t. 

I also gained more awareness of the world outside my own little bubble. My encounter with Deja had shown me first-hand that everyone is dealing with their own problems, some worse than others. So I started paying more attention to my friends, family members, and coworkers. I started listening more and asking how I could help. I also gave Deja a ride home for the rest of the summer. 

These are all small things, of course, but I think they make a difference. I realized I’m at my best when I’m not fixated on my own life, but when I’m considerate of the lives around me. I want to keep this in mind as I continue to grow and develop as a person. I want to continue to search for ways to support the people around me. And most importantly, I want to keep things in perspective.

Too often we can be focused on our own problems that we fail to realize that everyone has their own things going on in their lives, too.  This essay showcases how it’s important to put things in perspective, a skill that certainly will prove invaluable in college… and not just in the classroom.  Another reason I like this essay is because it provides deeper insight into the student’s life.  Sure, you might have mentioned in your activities list that you have a job.  But as this essay does, you can show why you have the job in the first place, what your responsibilities are, and more.

A few last tips

We hope these essay examples gave you a bit of inspiration of what to include in your own. However, before you go, we’d like to send you off with a few (personal statement) writing tips to help you make your essays as lovely as the memories and anecdotes they’re based off of. Without further ado, here are some of our best tips for writing your personal statements:

1. Open strong

College admissions officers read many, many essays (think 50+) a day, which can sometimes cause them to start blending together and sounding alike. One way to avoid your essay from simply fading into the background is to start strong. This means opening your essay with something memorable, whether an interesting personal anecdote, a descriptive setting, or anything else that you think would catch a reader’s attention (so long as it’s not inappropriate). Not only might this help college admissions officers better remember your essay, but it will also make them curious about what the rest of your essay will entail.

2. Be authentic

Perhaps most important when it comes to writing personal statement essays is to maintain your authenticity. Ultimately, your essays should reflect your unique stories and quirks that make you who you are, and should help college admissions officers determine whether you’d truly be a good fit for their school or not. So, don’t stress trying to figure out what colleges are looking for. Be yourself, and let the colleges come to you!

3. Strong writing

This one may seem a little obvious, but strong writing will certainly appeal to colleges. Not only will it make your essay more compelling, but it may show colleges that you’re ready for college-level essay writing (that you’ll likely have to do a lot of). Just remember that good writing is not limited to grammar. Using captivating detail and descriptions are a huge part of making your essay seem more like a story than a lecture.

4. Proofread

Last but not least, remember to proofread! Make sure your essay contains no errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling. When you’re done proofreading your essay yourself, we would also recommend that you ask a teacher, parent, or other grammatically savvy person to proofread your essay as well.

Final thoughts 

With those in hand, we hope you now have a better sense of how to write your personal statement. While your grades and test scores are important when it comes to college admissions, it’s really your essays that can “make” or “break” your application. 

Although this may make it seem like a daunting task, writing an amazing personal statement essay is all about effort. Thus, so long as you start early, follow the advice listed above, and dedicate your time and effort to it, it’s entirely possible to write an essay that perfectly encapsulates you. Good luck, and happy writing!

Also see:  Scholarships360’s free scholarships search tool

Key Takeaways

• It may take some people longer than others to know what they want to write about, but remember that everyone, including you, has something unique to write about!
• Personal statements should be personal, which means you should avoid being too general and really strive to show off what makes you “you”
• Time and effort are two of the most important things you can put into your personal statement to ensure that it is the best representation of yourself
• Don’t forget to ask people who know you to read your work before you submit; they should be able to tell you better than anyone if you are truly shining through!

Frequently asked questions about writing personal statements 

How do you write a powerful personal statement, what makes an amazing personal statement, how do you start an amazing personal statement, scholarships360 recommended.

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How To Write Your Personal Statement

Online Workshop Hosted by Andy McKernan

Thursday, June 23, 2016, 9 p.m. EDT (8 p.m. CDT, 6 p.m. PDT)

Learn More About:

Join Andy McKernan, a professional writer with close to ten years of experience helping college students in composition and English. Learn more about how to:

• Craft the perfect personal statement
• Describe why you want to be a college student-athlete, on your NCSA profile as well as in application essays
• Use your personal statement to stand out from the crowd and show off what makes you unique

Testimonials

Ncsa helped me by all their classes they offer and the classes really helped when i needed to know something.

The most exciting part was getting an offer and feeling that all my hard work finally paid off. Sometimes you may feel discouraged about coaches not emailing you back but give them time and they will! NCSA helped me by all their classes they offer and the classes really helped when I needed to know something...

DIII Softball Recruit, University of Charleston

College 101

• Examples of Awesome Personal Statements

Examples of Awesome Personal Statements Article Type: Tasty Bits

Write your own awesome personal statement with our COLLEGE APPLICATION ESSAY LAB , which will guide you through the process, providing tips and even more examples along the way.

Before you start, check out our own sample essays—or scroll down for the Best of the Web. Whether you're an athlete, a minority, or no one special (or, uh, probably some combination), we've got you covered.

No One Special

• Common App Prompt 1 Example: Background and Identity
• Common App Prompt 2 Example: Failure and Success
• Common App Prompt 3 Example: Challenging Beliefs
• Common App Prompt 4 Example: Problem-Solving
• Common App Prompt 5 Example: Accomplishment or Event
• What matters to you and why? Example

Emotional Hardship

Physical Hardship

International Student

Special Skills

Non-Traditional Age

Some are surprising and some are clever, but they're all good examples of a "hook," not the kind with the pointy mustache but something that writers use to grab their reader's attention and make them want to keep reading.

Grab Them with the First Line Stanford Magazine compiled the following list of great opening lines written by hopeful Stanford applicants.

Essays That Worked Connecticut College posts a list of college essays “that worked.”

More Essays that Worked Hamilton College provides access to some of their favorite application essays.

Other Resources for College Essay Writing

Writing the Personal Statement The Purdue Online Writing lab offers a guide to writing all kinds of personal statements.

Application Tips: Tackling the Personal Essay Abc.com provides some good tips on approaching the personal essay.

10 Tips for Writing the College Application Essay The famous  U.S. News & World Report  offers some writing advice.

The Elements of Style Flip through this famous guide to writing by William Strunk, Jr. that many students and teachers use. Read the 1918 version for free online.

Get Your Writing On Some great handbooks on writing by writing guru Andrea Lunsford.

Grammar Resources The University of Chicago’s guide to grammar.

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• Sports Science Personal Statement Examples

A degree in Sports Science is a popular choice for those with a passion for sports and an interest in the science behind athletic performance. 

Writing a sports science personal statement is an essential part of the UCAS application process , as it provides admissions selectors with an insight into your academic abilities, personal qualities, and career aspirations. 

We have collected a few Sports Science personal statement examples from successful applicants who have secured places at top universities. 

These examples will help you to understand what makes a good Sports Science personal statement and inspire you to write one.

Ever since my first encounter with Sports Science at the Advanced Level, I have been captivated by the intricate interplay of physicality, theory, and science, which has fueled my desire to pursue a sports-related career. As I delved into the subject, my passion for understanding the human body and its potential for athletic excellence grew exponentially, laying the foundation for my aspirations in this field.

In my academic journey, I have developed a particular interest in the science of nutrition and research. I am fascinated by how our bodies respond to different nutrients and how proper nourishment can optimise athletic performance. Through my studies, I aim to unlock the secrets of nutrition in sports, harnessing its power to give athletes a competitive edge. Furthermore, I am eager to contribute to the growing body of research in the field, as I believe that our understanding of sports science is continually evolving and has the potential to revolutionize the future of health and wellness.

My love for sports began in 2005 when I joined Leeds Athletics Club, where I discovered my talent and passion for throwing the javelin. This experience honed my athletic abilities and instilled a sense of discipline, resilience, and teamwork – values that have become integral to my character. As a Sports Science student, I am excited to combine my personal experiences and academic interests to deepen my understanding of the physical and mental aspects of sports, and ultimately apply this knowledge to help others achieve their full potential.

Apart from my intellectual pursuits, I am determined to make the most of my university experience by immersing myself in campus life. I am confident in my motivation and enthusiasm to take on new challenges, and I look forward to joining clubs, engaging in social events, and forging lasting connections with my peers. Additionally, I am passionate about maintaining my Portuguese language skills, travelling, and acquiring new skills. Despite a back injury from motor quad riding that has limited my physical activities to swimming and running, my love for sports remains undeterred, and I am eager to explore alternative ways to stay active and healthy.

The prospect of studying Sports Science at the university level fills me with immense excitement and anticipation. I am certain that this programme will provide me with the theoretical knowledge, practical skills, and professional network necessary to excel in a sports-related career. As I embark on this next chapter of my life, I am committed to pushing the boundaries of my understanding, exploring new frontiers in sports science, and ultimately making a lasting impact in the world of sports and beyond.

Recommended guides for reading

• How to Write a Personal Statement for a Master’s
• How to Write a Personal Statement for a PhD
• UCAS Personal Statement: A Writing Guide And Tips For Success
• Tips for Writing a Personal Statement for the University
• How to Write a Personal Statement That Stands Out
• UCAS Application: Process and Deadlines Explained in Details
• Personal Statement Examples UK

Personal Statement Sports Science

From a young age, I have been fascinated by the science behind human movement and performance, and I am now eager to pursue this passion further by enrolling in a degree programme in sports science.

My academic background has prepared me well for the rigours of university-level study. I have excelled in science and mathematics courses, including biology, chemistry, physics, and calculus. In addition, I have taken several sports-related courses, such as physical education and sports psychology, which have given me a solid foundation in the principles of sports science. I believe that my strong academic record and interest in sports science make me an ideal candidate for your programme.

One of the main reasons I am drawn to sports science is its potential to make a real difference in people’s lives. I am particularly interested in the role that sports science can play in promoting health and well-being, both at the individual and community levels. I believe that by studying sports science, I will gain the knowledge and skills to make a positive impact on people’s lives, through developing and implementing exercise programmes, promoting physical activity, and researching new approaches to health and wellness.

I am also excited about the opportunity to conduct research in sports science. I am particularly interested in the areas of biomechanics and exercise physiology, and I am eager to explore the latest research in these fields. I believe that by conducting research, I will be able to contribute to the advancement of knowledge in sports science and help to improve our understanding of human movement and performance.

In addition to my academic interests, I have also been an active participant in sports throughout my life. I have competed in a variety of sports, including soccer, basketball, and track and field, and have always been interested in the science behind these activities. I believe that my practical experience in sports will be an asset in my studies, as I will be able to apply my knowledge to real-world situations.

I believe that studying sports science at university will provide me with the knowledge, skills, and experience to pursue a rewarding career in this field. I am excited about the prospect of continuing my education in this area, and I look forward to the opportunity to contribute to your programme.

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Jeff Lavington, 6'4" Forward

Personal statement.

Basketball has been a passion of mine ever since I can remember. My will to compete is the source of my relentless, driven attitude. I can't imagine life without basketball.

My coaches tell me that my strongest asset is my work ethic. At 6'4", most people think that basketball comes easily to me. Maybe it does, but, nothing takes the place of hundreds and hundreds of drills, and a solid schedule in the gym.

My goal is to play NCAA Division 1 basketball in the PacTwelve or Big East divisions.

Contact Information

Jeff lavington.

3636 Lakeshore Drive, #408 Chicago, IL 60642 312-555-1212

[email protected]

High school coach.

Jonathan Albright Morgan Park High School 312-555-1212

Luke Amsterdam Five-Star Forwards 312-123-1234

Athletic Resume

Morgan park high school starting forward, averaged 28 points per game.

Starting Forward for my high school team for the last 3 years, averaging 26 ppg in 2013, 28 ppg in 2014 and 30 ppg in 2015.

Five Star Fowards (AAU)

Starting forward, lead scorer.

Started consistently all 3 years for this championship club team that won the Midwest division in 2014 and 2015.

All American

Selected as an academic All-American within my conference

Grades, Testing & Academic Honors

Morgan park high, class of 2015, 3.6 gpa.

• 4 Honors & 3 AP classes
• Ranked in top 15% of class

Download Transcript

The password in this example is basketball .

Standardized Testing

Act and sat subject tests, download test scores, sustainable seas, club leader, 2014-2015.

Sustainable Seas is a club operating at a national level devoted to the health and well-being our our seas and rivers.

High School Championship

2014 Highlights

Il State Finals

AAU Club Team

2013 Offensive Highlights

2015 Defensive Highlights

Las Vegas Classic

2015 Ball Handling Examples

Hobbies and Personal Interests

Member, clean up the beach.

Clean Up the Beach is an organization throughout the Chicagoland area dedicated to preserving the beauty and safety of Lake Michigan's shores. Members meet weekly in the summer to remove trash, and monthly during the winter months to plan fundraising actities.

In my off-season, I enjoy playing rugby to cross-train. I participate in a rec league and play flanker.

Before You Go!

How to Build a Profile for College Coaches: A Step-by-Step Guide

Home » Tips » How to Build a Profile for College Coaches: A Step-by-Step Guide

As a high school athlete, the dream of playing at the collegiate level may be at the forefront of your mind. To increase your chances of getting recruited, a well-crafted athlete profile is crucial. In this article, we will guide you through the step-by-step process of building a profile that will grab the attention of college coaches.

Understanding the Importance of a College Coach Profile

Before we dive into the nitty-gritty of building a profile, let's first understand why it is important. A college coach profile is a tool that helps coaches evaluate you as an athlete and a student. It provides them with an overall picture of who you are, your accomplishments, and your potential as a part of their team. A strong profile can set you apart from the rest of the applicants and increase your chances of getting recruited.

But what makes a strong profile? It's not just about listing your achievements and stats. A strong profile tells a story about who you are as a person and as an athlete. It showcases your unique strengths and skills that make you an asset to any team. It's important to remember that coaches aren't just looking for the best athletes, but also the best fit for their team culture and values.

Why College Coaches Look at Athlete Profiles

College coaches have a limited amount of time to evaluate potential recruits. They receive hundreds of applications each year and need to quickly narrow down their search. Athlete profiles provide coaches with an easy and efficient way to evaluate athletes without spending too much time scouring through each application.

But what exactly are coaches looking for in a profile? They want to see a clear and concise summary of your athletic and academic achievements. They want to know what sports you play, what positions you excel in, and what your stats are. But they also want to get a sense of your character and work ethic. Coaches want to recruit athletes who are not only talented but also dedicated, disciplined, and coachable.

The Role of a Strong Profile in College Recruitment

A strong athlete profile can make all the difference in the college recruitment process. It can catch the coach's attention and allow you to stand out from the herd. A well-written profile can also give insight into your character, work ethic, and potential as an athlete, which are all crucial factors in a coach's decision-making process.

But it's not just about getting noticed by coaches. A strong profile can also help you narrow down your own college search. By showcasing your strengths and preferences, you can attract coaches from schools that align with your goals and values. This can save you time and effort in the long run by helping you focus on schools that are the best fit for you.

So, if you're serious about playing college sports, take the time to craft a strong athlete profile. It can be the key to unlocking your potential and achieving your dreams.

Gathering Essential Information for Your Profile

The first step in creating your athlete profile is to gather all the essential information. Here are the sections that you should include:

Personal Information and Contact Details

Start with basic personal information, such as your name, address, phone number, email address, and date of birth. Coaches need to know how to contact you and where you're from.

It's important to keep your personal information up-to-date, so coaches can easily get in touch with you. Make sure to include a reliable phone number and email address that you check frequently.

Academic Achievements and Test Scores

Academics are just as important as athletics when it comes to college recruiting. Include your GPA, class rank, and SAT/ACT scores. Coaches want to know that you can handle the academic rigors of college.

It's important to take your academics seriously, as they can greatly impact your future opportunities. Make sure to study hard, attend classes regularly, and seek help when needed. Your academic achievements can also open up scholarship opportunities for you.

Athletic Accomplishments and Statistics

List all your athletic accomplishments, including awards, honors, and accolades. Be specific about your position, height, weight, and other relevant measurements. Also, list your statistics, such as the number of goals scored, tackles made, and assists given.

Coaches want to see your potential as an athlete, so make sure to highlight your strengths and achievements. You can also include any challenges you have overcome, such as injuries or setbacks, and how you have grown from them.

Extracurricular Activities and Leadership Roles

Include any extracurricular activities you participate in, such as clubs, volunteer work, or community service. Coaches want to know that you're well-rounded and have interests outside of athletics. Also, mention any leadership positions you have held and the skills you developed through these roles.

Participating in extracurricular activities can show coaches that you are committed, responsible, and have a strong work ethic. It can also help you develop important skills, such as teamwork, communication, and time management.

Remember, your athlete profile is a representation of who you are as a person and an athlete. Make sure to take the time to gather all the essential information and present it in a clear and organized manner. This will increase your chances of getting noticed by coaches and achieving your athletic goals.

Creating a Compelling Athletic Resume

Now that you have gathered all the essential information, it's time to create a compelling athletic resume. Here are some tips:

Highlighting Your Strengths and Skills

Your profile should highlight your strengths and skills as an athlete. Include your primary position, and list each of the skills you excel at that are relevant to your sport. It's essential to showcase your unique talents and attributes that make you stand out from other athletes.

For example, if you're a basketball player, you might want to highlight your ability to shoot from long range, your ball-handling skills, or your defensive prowess. If you're a soccer player, you might want to emphasize your speed, your ability to read the game, or your passing accuracy.

Remember, coaches are looking for athletes who can help their team win. By highlighting your strengths and skills, you're showing them that you have what it takes to make a positive impact.

Showcasing Your Athletic Achievements

Your athletic resume should showcase your past achievements. List all the awards and accolades you have received and the events where you were a standout player. Be specific about your role in the team's success and your contributions to any victories.

For example, if you were the leading scorer on your high school basketball team, make sure to mention that. If you were named the MVP of a tournament or league, be sure to include that as well. Coaches want to see that you have a track record of success and that you're capable of performing at a high level.

It's also a good idea to include any records you've set or broken. For instance, if you hold the school record for most goals scored in a season, make sure to mention that. These types of achievements demonstrate your ability to excel and can make you a more attractive recruit.

Including Relevant Training and Camp Experience

If you have attended any relevant training or camps, make sure to include them in your profile. Coaches want to know that you are committed to improving your skills and working hard to achieve your goals.

For example, if you attended a basketball camp run by a college coach, be sure to mention that. If you've worked with a personal trainer to improve your speed or agility, include that as well. These experiences show that you're willing to put in the work to become a better athlete.

Additionally, if you've participated in any clinics or workshops that are relevant to your sport, make sure to mention those as well. These types of experiences demonstrate your dedication to your craft and can make you a more attractive recruit.

By following these tips, you can create a compelling athletic resume that showcases your skills, achievements, and commitment to your sport. Remember, coaches are looking for athletes who can help their team win, so make sure to highlight what makes you stand out from the crowd.

Crafting a Persuasive Personal Statement

A personal statement provides the opportunity to showcase your character and your passion for your sport. It is a chance to tell your unique story and demonstrate your personal growth and development. Here are some tips for crafting a persuasive personal statement:

Telling Your Unique Story

Your personal statement should tell a unique story about who you are and what drives you. This is your chance to showcase your individuality and let your personality shine through. Be authentic and honest about your journey as an athlete and how you have grown over the years. Coaches want to know that you're a dedicated, hard-working student-athlete who is committed to your goals.

For example, you could talk about how you first discovered your love for your sport. Maybe you grew up watching your favorite team and dreamed of one day playing at their level. Or perhaps you stumbled upon your sport by chance and fell in love with it after your first game. Whatever your story may be, make sure to share it in a way that is both engaging and informative.

Demonstrating Your Passion for the Sport

Showcasing your passion for your sport can set you apart from the rest of the applicants. Explain what drew you to your sport and why you are so passionate about it. Coaches want to know that you're willing to put in the work and make sacrifices to achieve your dreams.

For instance, you could talk about how your sport has helped you grow as a person. Maybe it has taught you the value of teamwork and leadership, or maybe it has helped you develop a strong work ethic and a never-give-up attitude. Whatever it may be, make sure to highlight how your passion for your sport has impacted your life in a positive way.

Showcasing Your Personal Growth and Development

Finally, your personal statement should showcase your personal growth and development as an athlete and a person. Explain how your experiences have shaped you and how you have overcome challenges along the way. Coaches want to know that you're someone who can persevere through adversity and grow as a team player.

For example, you could talk about a time when you faced a difficult obstacle, such as a major injury or a losing streak. Explain how you overcame this obstacle and what you learned from the experience. Maybe it taught you the importance of resilience and perseverance, or maybe it helped you develop a stronger mental game. Whatever it may be, make sure to highlight how you have grown as a person and an athlete.

In conclusion, crafting a persuasive personal statement requires you to be authentic, passionate, and reflective. By telling your unique story, demonstrating your passion for your sport, and showcasing your personal growth and development, you can create a compelling narrative that will help you stand out from the crowd.

Building a profile for college coaches can seem daunting, but by following these steps, you can create a profile that highlights your accomplishments and potential as an athlete. Remember to be authentic and showcase your strengths and unique attributes. With a strong profile, you will increase your chances of getting recruited and playing at the collegiate level.

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Personal Statement: What Should a Student-Athlete Write about?

Your personal statement is an important component of your college application. As a student-athlete, you have a unique story to tell. The personal statement is your opportunity to share it with admissions committees

Your personal statement is an important component of your college application. As a student-athlete, you have a unique story to tell. The personal statement is your opportunity to share it with admissions committees. So what should you write about? Here are some tips…

Think about why you want to play the sport in college

Writing a college essay can be intimidating. But if you think about why you want to play your sport in college, it can help jumpstart the writing process. Is it the competition or the camaraderie? Do you like pushing yourself to reach higher goals? Do you want to honor an influential coach? Maybe it’s the thrill of trying something new and challenge yourself along the way?

Everyone has different reasons as to why they want to be student-athletes. So everyone should take some time to acknowledge what those reasons are. Doing so even just in an internal dialogue will provide insight into who you are as a person. It will help guide your process when writing your personal statement.

What kind of person you are on and off the field/court?

Being a student-athlete is more than just hours of practice and rigorous physical training. It requires a steadfast individual, purposeful in their actions, and disciplined in their habits both on and off the field or court. Writing your personal statement gives you the opportunity to showcase your talents and skills. It also helps you tell a story of who you are outside of sports.

Reflect on yourself in regards to your passions, values, strengths, and experiences. If there is something special that sets you apart from other athletes, now is your chance to demonstrate why they need to know it! Use this as an opportunity to present yourself honestly! This will allow coaches and scouts get an authentic glimpse into the person you are, living both on and off the court or field.

Professional help with personal statement

When it comes to a college essay, student-athletes may find themselves writing about the adversities they have faced. They can write about those obstacles that have prepared them for the rigorous demands of college life. It may seem daunting, but there’s no need to face this task alone – a professional personal statement writing service is available to lend a helping hand. This service can provide invaluable support as student-athletes explore their unique perspectives and experiences on paper. They offer professional insight and advice that takes into account their individual needs and goals. Ultimately, with professional assistance, the lengthy task of crafting an engaging representation of one’s values and background will be greatly simplified.

Think about a time when you had to overcome a challenge

Writing about overcoming a challenge can be an effective way to stand out in a college application. Doing so demonstrates your resilience, determination, and creative problem-solving skills. This is what college admissions officers like to see in prospective students. Reflecting on a challenging formative experience can also reveal important insights into your character. It can also teach you how you respond to obstacles.

As you think back to this experience from your past, determine how it shaped you as a student athlete. Consider how that particular growth will make you endure as an individual during college. Did the challenge lead to success? How did it affect the choices you’ve made since then? Explore these questions in your essay for college! It will add depth and help the readers understand who you are as an applicant beyond scores and grades.

What makes you different from other athletes

Every college-bound student-athlete has their own unique set of experiences and qualities. This make them stand out amongst their peers. As you craft your personal statement when applying to colleges, it’s important to focus on how those special qualities differentiate you from others. Consider not just the things that you do well like athleticism and academics , but also life lessons and emotional strength. Again, how have these shaped who you are? By bringing forward your individual experiences, both in athletics and life beyond sports, you can demonstrate what makes you an exceptional student-athlete.

Why the school you’re interested in is a good fit for you

Here’s an example of what you could expand on.

When thinking about a particular school, I consider its academic, athletic, and social environment. Academically, the institution I’m interested in has the course structure and challenging standards I am looking for. It’s got a high-quality faculty and diverse student body, it offers options to appeal to my interests both in and out of the classroom.

On the athletic side of things, this school’s history of excellence makes me confident that joining would give me every opportunity to succeed. And finally, when it comes to social life I see clear evidence that there is an active campus community. It focuses on cultivating meaningful relationships between its members. All these aspects together make up why this school seems like an optimal environment for me both on and off the field.

In conclusion, as a student-athlete, writing a personal statement can be an essential piece of your college process. Take the time to reflect on why you want to play the sport in college. What kind of person you are on and off the field? How you’ve handled adversity in your life? Think about a time when you had to overcome a challenge.

What makes you different from other athletes who are also trying to get recruited? Why that school is a good fit for you academically, athletically and socially? Writing about this topic helps admissions officers learn more about who you are. It also provides yourself an opportunity for self-reflection. So don’t be afraid to dig deep into your experiences. Good luck!

Cory Shilling

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What to include in a Personal Statement

Personal Statement Tips

Personal statement example sport and exercise science personal statement.

Submitted by Edward

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Sport and Exercise Science Personal Statement

I have always immersed myself fully in the world of sport , whether that be through playing it myself or keeping up to date with developments, results and inquests through news articles. The sporting world is an exciting yet demanding aspect of today's society, with the ability to unite nations by providing a global language which everyone can understand, regardless of nationality, ethnicity or religious beliefs. Its importance can be appreciated through observing its valuable contribution to communities and the economy, as well as to the individuals who participate. Sports science has the capacity to push an athlete's body to the limit both physically and through the use of technology.

My interest in the science of sport started at a young age when I became intrigued by how the body works during exercise. My A-Level subjects of Biology, Physical Education and Business Studies have further fuelled my interest in this area, allowing me to extend my scientific understanding of how body systems operate, as well as introducing me to the commercialisation involved, and the relationship between the media and sport.

Studying PE has allowed me to develop a deep understanding of the theoretical underpinning of sport, ranging from sports psychology, to the biomechanics of musculoskeletal movement. Biology has allowed me to become more confident with practical laboratory work and mathematical skills, as I have gained experience of devising and carrying out investigations and using statistical analysis to assess the significance of my results. Many of the areas covered over both of these courses intertwine with one another, meaning I've been able to reinforce my knowledge in areas such as the anatomy of the human body and physiological processes, such as those involved in the cardiovascular and respiratory systems. In particular I enjoyed investigating ways in which the human body responds to exercise and ways in which injuries can be prevented or rehabilitated.

I have been involved in a host of sporting activities ranging from an inter-school downhill skiing event, club football, and school rugby matches, which I have played competitively for 5 years. After studying the muscular system at A Level, I took up weight training to aid my performance in my main sports, which are rugby and football. I am determined to pursue them further in the future and I am looking forward to playing sport at a higher level at university. I have always believed sport to be a positive challenge and a chance to socialise and meet new people as well as the chance to be part of a team. With rugby being my chosen sport in PE, I have been involved in a volunteering programme at my school. This has allowed me to work alongside teachers to enthuse and encourage young children in the hope that they too will share the same passion for sport. This experience has developed my leadership skills and I am often required to demonstrate the correct technique for certain movements.

I have assisted in developing a programme in order progressively to build on their confidence when performing and to educate them on the rules of rugby. This has allowed me to advance my communication skills and understand the importance of simplifying key ideas into smaller components to aid understanding. I have developed my teamwork skills through decision making and problem-solving in group situations. With this in mind, I feel I can positively contribute to lab work and discussions surrounding sport. I am also a self-motivated person with an ability to persevere without necessarily needing encouragement from others. The way the Olympics has united countries and their motto- 'citius, altius, fortius' or 'faster, higher, stronger'- has encouraged people to strive for their full potential. I look forward to studying and researching ways to drive athletes to achieve their maximum performance.

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5 Key Tips in building a Powerful College Recruiting Mission Statement

College coaches are brilliant recruiters and look for 3 key components when evaluating prospects. Firstly, they look for strong students who meet and exceed eligibility and admissions standards. Secondly they are looking for direct impact athletes who thrive at their position and will drive the team to higher levels. Finally, they want self-aware young men and women who bring a strong character component to the table.

Building a Powerful College Recruiting Mission Statement can help elevate your position on a college coach’s radar and compliment your recruiting effort. Below are 5 Key Tips in developing your statement:

College goals

When you share your college mission statement with a coach it needs to be powerful and it should display a high level of self-awareness. Make time to sit down as a family and identify critical operatives that your ideal college choice will possess. Primary on the list and the glue that binds additional operatives should be the quality of the academic experience you desire.

A good college coach and exceptional educator should not be recruiting you just for the next 4 years, but the next forty years. A caring coach desperately wants you impact his program as a standout athlete, but he also wants you to achieve and grab the bigger brass ring for future advancement. You don’t get a second chance at a first impression…Make this point stand out.

Athletic Contributions

This segment of the statement may appear simple, but it isn’t! You likely have a long list of athletic accomplishments to share, but the key here is to streamline these accolades into a clear statement to how you plan to impact a college sports program.

There is a fine line between being cocky and confident and you want coach to believe in your self-confidence. Create a bold statement that demonstrates your current athletic skill-set as an athlete and your confidence that you have not nearly met your full potential.

College coaches are looking for the best and the brightest prospects to help drive their program to higher levels, and these days, they are putting a greater premium on the inner make-up of the prospect. They are looking for boys and girls who display loyalty, dedication, perseverance and a diligent approach to their everyday lives. Coaches want impact kids on the team, but they desperately want kids who will become strong links in the team chain.

Given a choice between a blue chip prospect who’s statistics are off the charts, but who could be a potential “loose cannon” on the inside of the team, compared to a solidly skilled athlete who offers the potential to lead the team from the inside, nine out of 10 times a good coach will support the latter candidate. Team leadership offers intangible growth at the core of the program but it also offers consistent team momentum…The ship always remains on course.

Below is an example of a balanced mission statement:

“I envision my college years to be a personal growth period. My goal is to explore a science major that will position me well for medical school. On the field, I plan to be a dynamic player and positive influence on the team. As I grow both physically and mentally throughout my college baseball career, I will strive to be an asset to the pitching rotation, infield, and batting line - up. Most importantly, I will conduct myself with honor and respect on and off the field, knowing that the way I carry myself reflects my team, my coaches and the school I attend.”

The final draft of your mission statement should be intrepid, confident and well-balanced. Give the coaches every reason to believe you are looking for a quality education that will position you strongly upon graduation. Drive home the point clearly and confidently that you have the athletic tools to impact a worthy college program. Finally, establish yourself as a team player. Extend your loyalty and respect to the coaches as a prospective student-athlete who is the complete package.

Tom Kovic is a former Division I college coach and the current director of Victory Collegiate Consulting, where he provides individual advisement for families in navigating the college recruiting process. For further information visit:  www.victoryrecruiting.com .

Copyright © 2015   Victory Collegiate Consulting . All Rights Reserved.

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10 Personal Statement Essay Examples That Worked

What’s covered:, what is a personal statement.

• Essay 1: Summer Program
• Essay 2: Being Bangladeshi-American
• Essay 3: Why Medicine
• Essay 4: Love of Writing
• Essay 5: Starting a Fire
• Essay 6: Dedicating a Track
• Essay 7: Body Image and Eating Disorders
• Essay 8: Becoming a Coach
• Essay 9: Eritrea
• Essay 10: Journaling
• Is Your Personal Statement Strong Enough?

Your personal statement is any essay that you must write for your main application, such as the Common App Essay , University of California Essays , or Coalition Application Essay . This type of essay focuses on your unique experiences, ideas, or beliefs that may not be discussed throughout the rest of your application. This essay should be an opportunity for the admissions officers to get to know you better and give them a glimpse into who you really are.

In this post, we will share 10 different personal statements that were all written by real students. We will also provide commentary on what each essay did well and where there is room for improvement, so you can make your personal statement as strong as possible!

Please note: Looking at examples of real essays students have submitted to colleges can be very beneficial to get inspiration for your essays. You should never copy or plagiarize from these examples when writing your own essays. Colleges can tell when an essay isn’t genuine and will not view students favorably if they plagiarized. 

Personal Statement Examples

Essay example #1: exchange program.

The twisting roads, ornate mosaics, and fragrant scent of freshly ground spices had been so foreign at first. Now in my fifth week of the SNYI-L summer exchange program in Morocco, I felt more comfortable in the city. With a bag full of pastries from the market, I navigated to a bus stop, paid the fare, and began the trip back to my host family’s house. It was hard to believe that only a few years earlier my mom was worried about letting me travel around my home city on my own, let alone a place that I had only lived in for a few weeks. While I had been on a journey towards self-sufficiency and independence for a few years now, it was Morocco that pushed me to become the confident, self-reflective person that I am today.

As a child, my parents pressured me to achieve perfect grades, master my swim strokes, and discover interesting hobbies like playing the oboe and learning to pick locks. I felt compelled to live my life according to their wishes. Of course, this pressure was not a wholly negative factor in my life –– you might even call it support. However, the constant presence of my parents’ hopes for me overcame my own sense of desire and led me to become quite dependent on them. I pushed myself to get straight A’s, complied with years of oboe lessons, and dutifully attended hours of swim practice after school. Despite all these achievements, I felt like I had no sense of self beyond my drive for success. I had always been expected to succeed on the path they had defined. However, this path was interrupted seven years after my parents’ divorce when my dad moved across the country to Oregon.

I missed my dad’s close presence, but I loved my new sense of freedom. My parents’ separation allowed me the space to explore my own strengths and interests as each of them became individually busier. As early as middle school, I was riding the light rail train by myself, reading maps to get myself home, and applying to special academic programs without urging from my parents. Even as I took more initiatives on my own, my parents both continued to see me as somewhat immature. All of that changed three years ago, when I applied and was accepted to the SNYI-L summer exchange program in Morocco. I would be studying Arabic and learning my way around the city of Marrakesh. Although I think my parents were a little surprised when I told them my news, the addition of a fully-funded scholarship convinced them to let me go.

I lived with a host family in Marrakesh and learned that they, too, had high expectations for me. I didn’t know a word of Arabic, and although my host parents and one brother spoke good English, they knew I was there to learn. If I messed up, they patiently corrected me but refused to let me fall into the easy pattern of speaking English just as I did at home. Just as I had when I was younger, I felt pressured and stressed about meeting their expectations. However, one day, as I strolled through the bustling market square after successfully bargaining with one of the street vendors, I realized my mistake. My host family wasn’t being unfair by making me fumble through Arabic. I had applied for this trip, and I had committed to the intensive language study. My host family’s rules about speaking Arabic at home had not been to fulfill their expectations for me, but to help me fulfill my expectations for myself. Similarly, the pressure my parents had put on me as a child had come out of love and their hopes for me, not out of a desire to crush my individuality.

As my bus drove through the still-bustling market square and past the medieval Ben-Youssef madrasa, I realized that becoming independent was a process, not an event. I thought that my parents’ separation when I was ten had been the one experience that would transform me into a self-motivated and autonomous person. It did, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t still have room to grow. Now, although I am even more self-sufficient than I was three years ago, I try to approach every experience with the expectation that it will change me. It’s still difficult, but I understand that just because growth can be uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s not important.

What the Essay Did Well

This is a nice essay because it delves into particular character trait of the student and how it has been shaped and matured over time. Although it doesn’t focus the essay around a specific anecdote, the essay is still successful because it is centered around this student’s independence. This is a nice approach for a personal statement: highlight a particular trait of yours and explore how it has grown with you.

The ideas in this essay are universal to growing up—living up to parents’ expectations, yearning for freedom, and coming to terms with reality—but it feels unique to the student because of the inclusion of details specific to them. Including their oboe lessons, the experience of riding the light rail by themselves, and the negotiations with a street vendor helps show the reader what these common tropes of growing up looked like for them personally. 

Another strength of the essay is the level of self-reflection included throughout the piece. Since there is no central anecdote tying everything together, an essay about a character trait is only successful when you deeply reflect on how you felt, where you made mistakes, and how that trait impacts your life. The author includes reflection in sentences like “ I felt like I had no sense of self beyond my drive for success, ” and “ I understand that just because growth can be uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s not important. ” These sentences help us see how the student was impacted and what their point of view is.

What Could Be Improved

The largest change this essay would benefit from is to show not tell. The platitude you have heard a million times no doubt, but for good reason. This essay heavily relies on telling the reader what occurred, making us less engaged as the entire reading experience feels more passive. If the student had shown us what happens though, it keeps the reader tied to the action and makes them feel like they are there with the student, making it much more enjoyable to read. 

For example, they tell us about the pressure to succeed their parents placed on them: “ I pushed myself to get straight A’s, complied with years of oboe lessons, and dutifully attended hours of swim practice after school.”  They could have shown us what that pressure looked like with a sentence like this: “ My stomach turned somersaults as my rattling knee thumped against the desk before every test, scared to get anything less than a 95. For five years the painful squawk of the oboe only reminded me of my parents’ claps and whistles at my concerts. I mastered the butterfly, backstroke, and freestyle, fighting against the anchor of their expectations threatening to pull me down.”

If the student had gone through their essay and applied this exercise of bringing more detail and colorful language to sentences that tell the reader what happened, the essay would be really great. 

Table of Contents

Essay Example #2: Being Bangladeshi-American

Life before was good: verdant forests, sumptuous curries, and a devoted family.

Then, my family abandoned our comfortable life in Bangladesh for a chance at the American dream in Los Angeles. Within our first year, my father was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. He lost his battle three weeks before my sixth birthday. Facing a new country without the steady presence of my father, we were vulnerable — prisoners of hardship in the land of the free. We resettled in the Bronx, in my uncle’s renovated basement. It was meant to be our refuge, but I felt more displaced than ever. Gone were the high-rise condos of West L.A.; instead, government projects towered over the neighborhood. Pedestrians no longer smiled and greeted me; the atmosphere was hostile, even toxic. Schoolkids were quick to pick on those they saw as weak or foreign, hurling harsh words I’d never heard before.

Meanwhile, my family began integrating into the local Bangladeshi community. I struggled to understand those who shared my heritage. Bangladeshi mothers stayed home while fathers drove cabs and sold fruit by the roadside — painful societal positions. Riding on crosstown buses or walking home from school, I began to internalize these disparities. During my fleeting encounters with affluent Upper East Siders, I saw kids my age with nannies, parents who wore suits to work, and luxurious apartments with spectacular views. Most took cabs to their destinations: cabs that Bangladeshis drove. I watched the mundane moments of their lives with longing, aching to plant myself in their shoes. Shame prickled down my spine. I distanced myself from my heritage, rejecting the traditional panjabis worn on Eid and refusing the torkari we ate for dinner every day. 

As I grappled with my relationship with the Bangladeshi community, I turned my attention to helping my Bronx community by pursuing an internship with Assemblyman Luis Sepulveda. I handled desk work and took calls, spending the bulk of my time actively listening to the hardships constituents faced — everything from a veteran stripped of his benefits to a grandmother unable to support her bedridden grandchild.

I’d never exposed myself to stories like these, and now I was the first to hear them. As an intern, I could only assist in what felt like the small ways — pointing out local job offerings, printing information on free ESL classes, reaching out to non-profits. But to a community facing an onslaught of intense struggles, I realized that something as small as these actions could have vast impacts. Seeing the immediate consequences of my actions inspired me. Throughout that summer, I internalized my community’s daily challenges in a new light. I began to stop seeing the prevalent underemployment and cramped living quarters less as sources of shame. Instead, I saw them as realities that had to be acknowledged, but could ultimately be remedied. I also realized the benefits of the Bangladeshi culture I had been so ashamed of. My Bangla language skills were an asset to the office, and my understanding of Bangladeshi etiquette allowed for smooth communication between office staff and its constituents. As I helped my neighbors navigate city services, I saw my heritage with pride — a perspective I never expected to have.

I can now appreciate the value of my unique culture and background, and of living with less. This perspective offers room for progress, community integration, and a future worth fighting for. My time with Assemblyman Sepulveda’s office taught me that I can be a change agent in enabling this progression. Far from being ashamed of my community, I want to someday return to local politics in the Bronx to continue helping others access the American Dream. I hope to help my community appreciate the opportunity to make progress together. By embracing reality, I learned to live it. Along the way, I discovered one thing: life is good, but we can make it better.

This student’s passion for social justice and civic duty shines through in this essay because of how honest it is. Sharing their personal experience with immigrating, moving around, being an outsider, and finding a community allows us to see the hardships this student has faced and builds empathy towards their situation. However, what really makes it strong is that they go beyond describing the difficulties they faced and explain the mental impact it had on them as a child: Shame prickled down my spine. I distanced myself from my heritage, rejecting the traditional panjabis worn on Eid and refusing the torkari we ate for dinner every day. 

The rejection of their culture presented at the beginning of the essay creates a nice juxtaposition with the student’s view in the latter half of the essay and helps demonstrate how they have matured. They use their experience interning as a way to delve into a change in their thought process about their culture and show how their passion for social justice began. Using this experience as a mechanism to explore their thoughts and feelings is an excellent example of how items that are included elsewhere on your application should be incorporated into your essay.

This essay prioritizes emotions and personal views over specific anecdotes. Although there are details and certain moments incorporated throughout to emphasize the author’s points, the main focus remains on the student and how they grapple with their culture and identity.  

One area for improvement is the conclusion. Although the forward-looking approach is a nice way to end an essay focused on social justice, it would be nice to include more details and imagery in the conclusion. How does the student want to help their community? What government position do they see themselves holding one day? 

A more impactful ending might look like the student walking into their office at the New York City Housing Authority in 15 years and looking at the plans to build a new development in the Bronx just blocks away from where the grew up that would provide quality housing to people in their Bangladeshi community. They would smile while thinking about how far they have come from that young kid who used to be ashamed of their culture. 

Essay Example #3: Why Medicine

I took my first trip to China to visit my cousin Anna in July of 2014. Distance had kept us apart, but when we were together, we fell into all of our old inside jokes and caught up on each other’s lives. Her sparkling personality and optimistic attitude always brought a smile to my face. This time, however, my heart broke when I saw the effects of her brain cancer; she had suffered from a stroke that paralyzed her left side. She was still herself in many ways, but I could see that the damage to her brain made things difficult for her. I stayed by her every day, providing the support she needed, whether assisting her with eating and drinking, reading to her, or just watching “Friends.” During my flight back home, sorrow and helplessness overwhelmed me. Would I ever see Anna again? Could I have done more to make Anna comfortable? I wished I could stay in China longer to care for her. As I deplaned, I wondered if I could transform my grief to help other children and teenagers in the US who suffered as Anna did.

The day after I got home, as jet lag dragged me awake a few minutes after midnight, I remembered hearing about the Family Reach Foundation (FRF) and its work with children going through treatments at the local hospital and their families. I began volunteering in the FRF’s Children’s Activity Room, where I play with children battling cancer. Volunteering has both made me appreciate my own health and also cherish the new relationships I build with the children and families. We play sports, make figures out of playdoh, and dress up. When they take on the roles of firefighters or fairies, we all get caught up in the game; for that time, they forget the sanitized, stark, impersonal walls of the pediatric oncology ward. Building close relationships with them and seeing them giggle and laugh is so rewarding — I love watching them grow and get better throughout their course of treatment.

Hearing from the parents about their children’s condition and seeing the children recover inspired me to consider medical research. To get started, I enrolled in a summer collegelevel course in Abnormal Psychology. There I worked with Catelyn, a rising college senior, on a data analysis project regarding Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Together, we examined the neurological etiology of DID by studying four fMRI and PET cases. I fell in love with gathering data and analyzing the results and was amazed by our final product: several stunning brain images showcasing the areas of hyper and hypoactivity in brains affected by DID. Desire quickly followed my amazement — I want to continue this project and study more brains. Their complexity, delicacy, and importance to every aspect of life fascinate me. Successfully completing this research project gave me a sense of hope; I know I am capable of participating in a large scale research project and potentially making a difference in someone else’s life through my research.

Anna’s diagnosis inspired me to begin volunteering at FRF; from there, I discovered my desire to help people further by contributing to medical research. As my research interest blossomed, I realized that it’s no coincidence that I want to study brains—after all, Anna suffered from brain cancer. Reflecting on these experiences this past year and a half, I see that everything I’ve done is connected. Sadly, a few months after I returned from China, Anna passed away. I am still sad, but as I run a toy truck across the floor and watch one of the little patients’ eyes light up, I imagine that she would be proud of my commitment to pursue medicine and study the brain.

This essay has a very strong emotional core that tugs at the heart strings and makes the reader feel invested. Writing about sickness can be difficult and doesn’t always belong in a personal statement, but in this case it works well because the focus is on how this student cared for her cousin and dealt with the grief and emotions surrounding her condition. Writing about the compassion she showed and the doubts and concerns that filled her mind keeps the focus on the author and her personality. 

This continues when she again discusses the activities she did with the kids at FRF and the personal reflection this experience allowed her to have. For example, she writes: Volunteering has both made me appreciate my own health and also cherish the new relationships I build with the children and families. We play sports, make figures out of playdoh, and dress up.

Concluding the essay with the sad story of her cousin’s passing brings the essay full circle and returns to the emotional heart of the piece to once again build a connection with the reader. However, it finishes on a hopeful note and demonstrates how this student has been able to turn a tragic experience into a source of lifelong inspiration. 

One thing this essay should be cognizant of is that personal statements should not read as summaries of your extracurricular resume. Although this essay doesn’t fully fall into that trap, it does describe two key extracurriculars the student participated in. However, the inclusion of such a strong emotional core running throughout the essay helps keep the focus on the student and her thoughts and feelings during these activities.

To avoid making this mistake, make sure you have a common thread running through your essay and the extracurriculars provide support to the story you are trying to tell, rather than crafting a story around your activities. And, as this essay does, make sure there is lots of personal reflection and feelings weaved throughout to focus attention to you rather than your extracurriculars. 

Essay Example #4: Love of Writing

“I want to be a writer.” This had been my answer to every youthful discussion with the adults in my life about what I would do when I grew up. As early as elementary school, I remember reading my writing pieces aloud to an audience at “Author of the Month” ceremonies. Bearing this goal in mind, and hoping to gain some valuable experience, I signed up for a journalism class during my freshman year. Despite my love for writing, I initially found myself uninterested in the subject and I struggled to enjoy the class. When I thought of writing, I imagined lyrical prose, profound poetry, and thrilling plot lines. Journalism required a laconic style and orderly structure, and I found my teacher’s assignments formulaic and dull. That class shook my confidence as a writer. I was uncertain if I should continue in it for the rest of my high school career.

Despite my misgivings, I decided that I couldn’t make a final decision on whether to quit journalism until I had some experience working for a paper outside of the classroom. The following year, I applied to be a staff reporter on our school newspaper. I hoped this would help me become more self-driven and creative, rather than merely writing articles that my teacher assigned. To my surprise, my time on staff was worlds away from what I experienced in the journalism class. Although I was unaccustomed to working in a fast-paced environment and initially found it burdensome to research and complete high-quality stories in a relatively short amount of time, I also found it exciting. I enjoyed learning more about topics and events on campus that I did not know much about; some of my stories that I covered in my first semester concerned a chess tournament, a food drive, and a Spanish immersion party. I relished in the freedom I had to explore and learn, and to write more independently than I could in a classroom.

Although I enjoyed many aspects of working for the paper immediately, reporting also pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I am a shy person, and speaking with people I did not know intimidated me. During my first interview, I met with the basketball coach to prepare for a story about the team’s winning streak. As I approached his office, I felt everything from my toes to my tongue freeze into a solid block, and I could hardly get out my opening questions. Fortunately, the coach was very kind and helped me through the conversation. Encouraged, I prepared for my next interview with more confidence. After a few weeks of practice, I even started to look forward to interviewing people on campus. That first journalism class may have bored me, but even if journalism in practice was challenging, it was anything but tedious.

Over the course of that year, I grew to love writing for our school newspaper. Reporting made me aware of my surroundings, and made me want to know more about current events on campus and in the town where I grew up. By interacting with people all over campus, I came to understand the breadth of individuals and communities that make up my high school. I felt far more connected to diverse parts of my school through my work as a journalist, and I realized that journalism gave me a window into seeing beyond my own experiences. The style of news writing may be different from what I used to think “writing” meant, but I learned that I can still derive exciting plots from events that may have gone unnoticed if not for my stories. I no longer struggle to approach others, and truly enjoy getting to know people and recognizing their accomplishments through my writing. Becoming a writer may be a difficult path, but it is as rewarding as I hoped when I was young.

This essay is clearly structured in a manner that makes it flow very nicely and contributes to its success. It starts with a quote to draw in the reader and show this student’s life-long passion for writing. Then it addresses the challenges of facing new, unfamiliar territory and how this student overcame it. Finally, it concludes by reflecting on this eye-opening experience and a nod to their younger self from the introduction. Having a well-thought out and sequential structure with clear transitions makes it extremely easy for the reader to follow along and take away the main idea.

Another positive aspect of the essay is the use of strong and expressive language. Sentences like “ When I thought of writing, I imagined lyrical prose, profound poetry, and thrilling plot lines ” stand out because of the intentional use of words like “lyrical”, “profound”, and “thrilling” to convey the student’s love of writing. The author also uses an active voice to capture the readers’ attention and keep us engaged. They rely on their language and diction to reveal details to the reader, for instance saying “ I felt everything from my toes to my tongue freeze into a solid block ” to describe feeling nervous.

This essay is already very strong, so there isn’t much that needs to be changed. One thing that could take the essay from great to outstanding would be to throw in more quotes, internal dialogue, and sensory descriptors.

It would be nice to see the nerves they felt interviewing the coach by including dialogue like “ Um…I want to interview you about…uh…”.  They could have shown their original distaste for journalism by narrating the thoughts running through their head. The fast-paced environment of their newspaper could have come to life with descriptions about the clacking of keyboards and the whirl of people running around laying out articles.

Essay Example #5: Starting a Fire

Was I no longer the beloved daughter of nature, whisperer of trees? Knee-high rubber boots, camouflage, bug spray—I wore the garb and perfume of a proud wild woman, yet there I was, hunched over the pathetic pile of stubborn sticks, utterly stumped, on the verge of tears. As a child, I had considered myself a kind of rustic princess, a cradler of spiders and centipedes, who was serenaded by mourning doves and chickadees, who could glide through tick-infested meadows and emerge Lyme-free. I knew the cracks of the earth like the scars on my own rough palms. Yet here I was, ten years later, incapable of performing the most fundamental outdoor task: I could not, for the life of me, start a fire. 

Furiously I rubbed the twigs together—rubbed and rubbed until shreds of skin flaked from my fingers. No smoke. The twigs were too young, too sticky-green; I tossed them away with a shower of curses, and began tearing through the underbrush in search of a more flammable collection. My efforts were fruitless. Livid, I bit a rejected twig, determined to prove that the forest had spurned me, offering only young, wet bones that would never burn. But the wood cracked like carrots between my teeth—old, brittle, and bitter. Roaring and nursing my aching palms, I retreated to the tent, where I sulked and awaited the jeers of my family. 

Rattling their empty worm cans and reeking of fat fish, my brother and cousins swaggered into the campsite. Immediately, they noticed the minor stick massacre by the fire pit and called to me, their deep voices already sharp with contempt. 

“Where’s the fire, Princess Clara?” they taunted. “Having some trouble?” They prodded me with the ends of the chewed branches and, with a few effortless scrapes of wood on rock, sparked a red and roaring flame. My face burned long after I left the fire pit. The camp stank of salmon and shame. 

In the tent, I pondered my failure. Was I so dainty? Was I that incapable? I thought of my hands, how calloused and capable they had been, how tender and smooth they had become. It had been years since I’d kneaded mud between my fingers; instead of scaling a white pine, I’d practiced scales on my piano, my hands softening into those of a musician—fleshy and sensitive. And I’d gotten glasses, having grown horrifically nearsighted; long nights of dim lighting and thick books had done this. I couldn’t remember the last time I had lain down on a hill, barefaced, and seen the stars without having to squint. Crawling along the edge of the tent, a spider confirmed my transformation—he disgusted me, and I felt an overwhelming urge to squash him. 

Yet, I realized I hadn’t really changed—I had only shifted perspective. I still eagerly explored new worlds, but through poems and prose rather than pastures and puddles. I’d grown to prefer the boom of a bass over that of a bullfrog, learned to coax a different kind of fire from wood, having developed a burn for writing rhymes and scrawling hypotheses. 

That night, I stayed up late with my journal and wrote about the spider I had decided not to kill. I had tolerated him just barely, only shrieking when he jumped—it helped to watch him decorate the corners of the tent with his delicate webs, knowing that he couldn’t start fires, either. When the night grew cold and the embers died, my words still smoked—my hands burned from all that scrawling—and even when I fell asleep, the ideas kept sparking—I was on fire, always on fire.

This student is an excellent writer, which allows a simple story to be outstandingly compelling. The author articulates her points beautifully and creatively through her immense use of details and figurative language. Lines like “a rustic princess, a cradler of spiders and centipedes, who was serenaded by mourning doves and chickadees,” and “rubbed and rubbed until shreds of skin flaked from my fingers,” create vivid images that draw the reader in. 

The flowery and descriptive prose also contributes to the nice juxtaposition between the old Clara and the new Clara. The latter half of the essay contrasts elements of nature with music and writing to demonstrate how natural these interests are for her now. This sentence perfectly encapsulates the contrast she is trying to build: “It had been years since I’d kneaded mud between my fingers; instead of scaling a white pine, I’d practiced scales on my piano, my hands softening into those of a musician—fleshy and sensitive.”

In addition to being well-written, this essay is thematically cohesive. It begins with the simple introduction “Fire!” and ends with the following image: “When the night grew cold and the embers died, my words still smoked—my hands burned from all that scrawling—and even when I fell asleep, the ideas kept sparking—I was on fire, always on fire.” This full-circle approach leaves readers satisfied and impressed.

There is very little this essay should change, however one thing to be cautious about is having an essay that is overly-descriptive. We know from the essay that this student likes to read and write, and depending on other elements of her application, it might make total sense to have such a flowery and ornate writing style. However, your personal statement needs to reflect your voice as well as your personality. If you would never use language like this in conversation or your writing, don’t put it in your personal statement. Make sure there is a balance between eloquence and your personal voice.

Essay Example #6: Dedicating a Track

“Getting beat is one thing – it’s part of competing – but I want no part in losing.” Coach Rob Stark’s motto never fails to remind me of his encouragement on early-morning bus rides to track meets around the state. I’ve always appreciated the phrase, but an experience last June helped me understand its more profound, universal meaning.

Stark, as we affectionately call him, has coached track at my high school for 25 years. His care, dedication, and emphasis on developing good character has left an enduring impact on me and hundreds of other students. Not only did he help me discover my talent and love for running, but he also taught me the importance of commitment and discipline and to approach every endeavor with the passion and intensity that I bring to running. When I learned a neighboring high school had dedicated their track to a longtime coach, I felt that Stark deserved similar honors.

Our school district’s board of education indicated they would only dedicate our track to Stark if I could demonstrate that he was extraordinary. I took charge and mobilized my teammates to distribute petitions, reach out to alumni, and compile statistics on the many team and individual champions Stark had coached over the years. We received astounding support, collecting almost 3,000 signatures and pages of endorsements from across the community. With help from my teammates, I presented this evidence to the board.

They didn’t bite. 

Most members argued that dedicating the track was a low priority. Knowing that we had to act quickly to convince them of its importance, I called a team meeting where we drafted a rebuttal for the next board meeting. To my surprise, they chose me to deliver it. I was far from the best public speaker in the group, and I felt nervous about going before the unsympathetic board again. However, at that second meeting, I discovered that I enjoy articulating and arguing for something that I’m passionate about.

Public speaking resembles a cross country race. Walking to the starting line, you have to trust your training and quell your last minute doubts. When the gun fires, you can’t think too hard about anything; your performance has to be instinctual, natural, even relaxed. At the next board meeting, the podium was my starting line. As I walked up to it, familiar butterflies fluttered in my stomach. Instead of the track stretching out in front of me, I faced the vast audience of teachers, board members, and my teammates. I felt my adrenaline build, and reassured myself: I’ve put in the work, my argument is powerful and sound. As the board president told me to introduce myself, I heard, “runners set” in the back of my mind. She finished speaking, and Bang! The brief silence was the gunshot for me to begin. 

The next few minutes blurred together, but when the dust settled, I knew from the board members’ expressions and the audience’s thunderous approval that I had run quite a race. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough; the board voted down our proposal. I was disappointed, but proud of myself, my team, and our collaboration off the track. We stood up for a cause we believed in, and I overcame my worries about being a leader. Although I discovered that changing the status quo through an elected body can be a painstakingly difficult process and requires perseverance, I learned that I enjoy the challenges this effort offers. Last month, one of the school board members joked that I had become a “regular” – I now often show up to meetings to advocate for a variety of causes, including better environmental practices in cafeterias and safer equipment for athletes.

Just as Stark taught me, I worked passionately to achieve my goal. I may have been beaten when I appealed to the board, but I certainly didn’t lose, and that would have made Stark proud.

This essay effectively conveys this student’s compassion for others, initiative, and determination—all great qualities to exemplify in a personal statement!

Although they rely on telling us a lot of what happened up until the board meeting, the use of running a race (their passion) as a metaphor for public speaking provides a lot of insight into the fear that this student overcame to work towards something bigger than themself. Comparing a podium to the starting line, the audience to the track, and silence to the gunshot is a nice way of demonstrating this student’s passion for cross country running without making that the focus of the story.

The essay does a nice job of coming full circle at the end by explaining what the quote from the beginning meant to them after this experience. Without explicitly saying “ I now know that what Stark actually meant is…” they rely on the strength of their argument above to make it obvious to the reader what it means to get beat but not lose. 

One of the biggest areas of improvement in the intro, however, is how the essay tells us Stark’s impact rather than showing us: His care, dedication, and emphasis on developing good character has left an enduring impact on me and hundreds of other students. Not only did he help me discover my talent and love for running, but he also taught me the importance of commitment and discipline and to approach every endeavor with the passion and intensity that I bring to running.

The writer could’ve helped us feel a stronger emotional connection to Stark if they had included examples of Stark’s qualities, rather than explicitly stating them. For example, they could’ve written something like: Stark was the kind of person who would give you gas money if you told him your parents couldn’t afford to pick you up from practice. And he actually did that—several times. At track meets, alumni regularly would come talk to him and tell him how he’d changed their lives. Before Stark, I was ambivalent about running and was on the JV team, but his encouragement motivated me to run longer and harder and eventually make varsity. Because of him, I approach every endeavor with the passion and intensity that I bring to running.

Essay Example #7: Body Image and Eating Disorders

I press the “discover” button on my Instagram app, hoping to find enticing pictures to satisfy my boredom. Scrolling through, I see funny videos and mouth-watering pictures of food. However, one image stops me immediately. A fit teenage girl with a “perfect body” relaxes in a bikini on a beach. Beneath it, I see a slew of flattering comments. I shake with disapproval over the image’s unrealistic quality. However, part of me still wants to have a body like hers so that others will make similar comments to me.

I would like to resolve a silent issue that harms many teenagers and adults: negative self image and low self-esteem in a world where social media shapes how people view each other. When people see the façades others wear to create an “ideal” image, they can develop poor thought patterns rooted in negative self-talk. The constant comparisons to “perfect” others make people feel small. In this new digital age, it is hard to distinguish authentic from artificial representations.

When I was 11, I developed anorexia nervosa. Though I was already thin, I wanted to be skinny like the models that I saw on the magazine covers on the grocery store stands. Little did I know that those models probably also suffered from disorders, and that photoshop erased their flaws. I preferred being underweight to being healthy. No matter how little I ate or how thin I was, I always thought that I was too fat. I became obsessed with the number on the scale and would try to eat the least that I could without my parents urging me to take more. Fortunately, I stopped engaging in anorexic behaviors before middle school. However, my underlying mental habits did not change. The images that had provoked my disorder in the first place were still a constant presence in my life.

By age 15, I was in recovery from anorexia, but suffered from depression. While I used to only compare myself to models, the growth of social media meant I also compared myself to my friends and acquaintances. I felt left out when I saw my friends’ excitement about lake trips they had taken without me. As I scrolled past endless photos of my flawless, thin classmates with hundreds of likes and affirming comments, I felt my jealousy spiral. I wanted to be admired and loved by other people too. However, I felt that I could never be enough. I began to hate the way that I looked, and felt nothing in my life was good enough. I wanted to be called “perfect” and “body goals,” so I tried to only post at certain times of day to maximize my “likes.” When that didn’t work, I started to feel too anxious to post anything at all.  

Body image insecurities and social media comparisons affect thousands of people – men, women, children, and adults – every day. I am lucky – after a few months of my destructive social media habits, I came across a video that pointed out the illusory nature of social media; many Instagram posts only show off good things while people hide their flaws. I began going to therapy, and recovered from my depression. To address the problem of self-image and social media, we can all focus on what matters on the inside and not what is on the surface. As an effort to become healthy internally, I started a club at my school to promote clean eating and radiating beauty from within. It has helped me grow in my confidence, and today I’m not afraid to show others my struggles by sharing my experience with eating disorders. Someday, I hope to make this club a national organization to help teenagers and adults across the country. I support the idea of body positivity and embracing difference, not “perfection.” After all, how can we be ourselves if we all look the same?

This essay covers the difficult topics of eating disorders and mental health. If you’re thinking about covering similar topics in your essay, we recommend reading our post Should You Talk About Mental Health in College Essays?

The short answer is that, yes, you can talk about mental health, but it can be risky. If you do go that route, it’s important to focus on what you learned from the experience.

The strength of this essay is the student’s vulnerability, in excerpts such as this: I wanted to be admired and loved by other people too. However, I felt that I could never be enough. I began to hate the way that I looked, and felt nothing in my life was good enough. I wanted to be called “perfect” and “body goals,” so I tried to only post at certain times of day to maximize my “likes.”

The student goes on to share how they recovered from their depression through an eye-opening video and therapy sessions, and they’re now helping others find their self-worth as well. It’s great that this essay looks towards the future and shares the writer’s goals of making their club a national organization; we can see their ambition and compassion.

The main weakness of this essay is that it doesn’t focus enough on their recovery process, which is arguably the most important part. They could’ve told us more about the video they watched or the process of starting their club and the interactions they’ve had with other members. Especially when sharing such a vulnerable topic, there should be vulnerability in the recovery process too. That way, the reader can fully appreciate all that this student has overcome.

Essay Example #8: Becoming a Coach

”Advanced females ages 13 to 14 please proceed to staging with your coaches at this time.” Skittering around the room, eyes wide and pleading, I frantically explained my situation to nearby coaches. The seconds ticked away in my head; every polite refusal increased my desperation.

Despair weighed me down. I sank to my knees as a stream of competitors, coaches, and officials flowed around me. My dojang had no coach, and the tournament rules prohibited me from competing without one.

Although I wanted to remain strong, doubts began to cloud my mind. I could not help wondering: what was the point of perfecting my skills if I would never even compete? The other members of my team, who had found coaches minutes earlier, attempted to comfort me, but I barely heard their words. They couldn’t understand my despair at being left on the outside, and I never wanted them to understand.

Since my first lesson 12 years ago, the members of my dojang have become family. I have watched them grow up, finding my own happiness in theirs. Together, we have honed our kicks, blocks, and strikes. We have pushed one another to aim higher and become better martial artists. Although my dojang had searched for a reliable coach for years, we had not found one. When we attended competitions in the past, my teammates and I had always gotten lucky and found a sympathetic coach. Now, I knew this practice was unsustainable. It would devastate me to see the other members of my dojang in my situation, unable to compete and losing hope as a result. My dojang needed a coach, and I decided it was up to me to find one.

I first approached the adults in the dojang – both instructors and members’ parents. However, these attempts only reacquainted me with polite refusals. Everyone I asked told me they couldn’t devote multiple weekends per year to competitions. I soon realized that I would have become the coach myself.

At first, the inner workings of tournaments were a mystery to me. To prepare myself for success as a coach, I spent the next year as an official and took coaching classes on the side. I learned everything from motivational strategies to technical, behind-the-scenes components of Taekwondo competitions. Though I emerged with new knowledge and confidence in my capabilities, others did not share this faith.

Parents threw me disbelieving looks when they learned that their children’s coach was only a child herself. My self-confidence was my armor, deflecting their surly glances. Every armor is penetrable, however, and as the relentless barrage of doubts pounded my resilience, it began to wear down. I grew unsure of my own abilities.

Despite the attack, I refused to give up. When I saw the shining eyes of the youngest students preparing for their first competition, I knew I couldn’t let them down. To quit would be to set them up to be barred from competing like I was. The knowledge that I could solve my dojang’s longtime problem motivated me to overcome my apprehension.

Now that my dojang flourishes at competitions, the attacks on me have weakened, but not ended. I may never win the approval of every parent; at times, I am still tormented by doubts, but I find solace in the fact that members of my dojang now only worry about competing to the best of their abilities.

Now, as I arrive at a tournament with my students, I close my eyes and remember the past. I visualize the frantic search for a coach and the chaos amongst my teammates as we competed with one another to find coaches before the staging calls for our respective divisions. I open my eyes to the exact opposite scene. Lacking a coach hurt my ability to compete, but I am proud to know that no member of my dojang will have to face that problem again.

This essay begins with an in-the-moment narrative that really illustrates the chaos of looking for a coach last-minute. We feel the writer’s emotions, particularly her dejectedness, at not being able to compete. Starting an essay in media res  is a great way to capture the attention of your readers and build anticipation for what comes next.

Through this essay, we can see how gutsy and determined the student is in deciding to become a coach themselves. She shows us these characteristics through their actions, rather than explicitly telling us: To prepare myself for success as a coach, I spent the next year as an official and took coaching classes on the side.  Also, by discussing the opposition she faced and how it affected her, the student is open and vulnerable about the reality of the situation.

The essay comes full circle as the author recalls the frantic situations in seeking out a coach, but this is no longer a concern for them and their team. Overall, this essay is extremely effective in painting this student as mature, bold, and compassionate.

The biggest thing this essay needs to work on is showing not telling. Throughout the essay, the student tells us that she “emerged with new knowledge and confidence,” she “grew unsure of her own abilities,” and she “refused to give up”. What we really want to know is what this looks like.

Instead of saying she “emerged with new knowledge and confidence” she should have shared how she taught a new move to a fellow team-member without hesitation. Rather than telling us she “grew unsure of her own abilities” she should have shown what that looked like by including her internal dialogue and rhetorical questions that ran through her mind. She could have demonstrated what “refusing to give up” looks like by explaining how she kept learning coaching techniques on her own, turned to a mentor for advice, or devised a plan to win over the trust of parents. 

Essay Example #9: Eritrea

No one knows where Eritrea is.

On the first day of school, for the past nine years, I would pensively stand in front of a class, a teacher, a stranger  waiting for the inevitable question: Where are you from?

I smile politely, my dimples accentuating my ambiguous features. “Eritrea,” I answer promptly and proudly. But I  am always prepared. Before their expression can deepen into confusion, ready to ask “where is that,” I elaborate,  perhaps with a fleeting hint of exasperation, “East Africa, near Ethiopia.”

Sometimes, I single out the key-shaped hermit nation on a map, stunning teachers who have “never had a student  from there!” Grinning, I resist the urge to remark, “You didn’t even know it existed until two minutes ago!”

Eritrea is to the East of Ethiopia, its arid coastline clutches the lucrative Red Sea. Battle scars litter the ancient  streets – the colonial Italian architecture lathered with bullet holes, the mosques mangled with mortar shells.  Originally part of the world’s first Christian kingdom, Eritrea passed through the hands of colonial Italy, Britain, and  Ethiopia for over a century, until a bloody thirty year war of Independence liberated us.

But these are facts that anyone can know with a quick Google search. These are facts that I have memorised and compounded, first from my Grandmother and now from pristine books  borrowed from the library.

No historical narrative, however, can adequately capture what Eritrea is.  No one knows the aroma of bushels of potatoes, tomatoes, and garlic – still covered in dirt – that leads you to the open-air market. No one knows the poignant scent of spices, arranged in orange piles reminiscent of compacted  dunes.  No one knows how to haggle stubborn herders for sheep and roosters for Christmas celebrations as deliberately as my mother. No one can replicate the perfect balance of spices in dorho and tsebhi as well as my grandmother,  her gnarly hands stirring the pot with ancient precision (chastising my clumsy knife work with the potatoes).  It’s impossible to learn when the injera is ready – the exact moment you have to lift the lid of the mogogo. Do it too  early (or too late) and the flatbread becomes mangled and gross. It is a sixth sense passed through matriarchal  lineages.

There are no sources that catalogue the scent of incense that wafts through the sunlit porch on St. Michael’s; no  films that can capture the luminescence of hundreds of flaming bonfires that fluoresce the sidewalks on Kudus  Yohannes, as excited children chant Ge’ez proverbs whose origin has been lost to time.  You cannot learn the familiarity of walking beneath the towering Gothic figure of the Enda Mariam Cathedral, the  crowds undulating to the ringing of the archaic bells.  I have memorized the sound of the rains hounding the metal roof during kiremti , the heat of the sun pounding  against the Toyota’s window as we sped down towards Ghinda , the opulent brilliance of the stars twinkling in a  sky untainted by light pollution, the scent of warm rolls of bani wafting through the streets at precisely 6 o’clock each day…

I fill my flimsy sketchbook with pictures from my memory. My hand remembers the shapes of the hibiscus drifting  in the wind, the outline of my grandmother (affectionately nicknamed a’abaye ) leaning over the garden, the bizarre architecture of the Fiat Tagliero .  I dice the vegetables with movements handed down from generations. My nose remembers the scent of frying garlic, the sourness of the warm tayta , the sharpness of the mit’mt’a …

This knowledge is intrinsic.  “I am Eritrean,” I repeat. “I am proud.”  Within me is an encyclopedia of history, culture, and idealism.

Eritrea is the coffee made from scratch, the spices drying in the sun, the priests and nuns. Eritrea is wise, filled with ambition, and unseen potential.  Eritrea isn’t a place, it’s an identity.

This is an exceptional essay that provides a window into this student’s culture that really makes their love for their country and heritage leap off the page. The sheer level of details and sensory descriptors this student is able to fit in this space makes the essay stand out. From the smells, to the traditions, sounds, and sights, the author encapsulates all the glory of Eritrea for the reader. 

The vivid images this student is able to create for the reader, whether it is having the tedious conversation with every teacher or cooking in their grandmother’s kitchen, transports us into the story and makes us feel like we are there in the moment with the student. This is a prime example of an essay that shows , not tells.

Besides the amazing imagery, the use of shorter paragraphs also contributes to how engaging this essay is. Employing this tactic helps break up the text to make it more readable and it isolates ideas so they stick out more than if they were enveloped in a large paragraph.

Overall, this is a really strong essay that brings to life this student’s heritage through its use of vivid imagery. This essay exemplifies what it means to show not tell in your writing, and it is a great example of how you can write an intimate personal statement without making yourself the primary focus of your essay. 

There is very little this essay should improve upon, but one thing the student might consider would be to inject more personal reflection into their response. Although we can clearly take away their deep love and passion for their homeland and culture, the essay would be a bit more personal if they included the emotions and feelings they associate with the various aspects of Eritrea. For example, the way their heart swells with pride when their grandmother praises their ability to cook a flatbread or the feeling of serenity when they hear the bells ring out from the cathedral. Including personal details as well as sensory ones would create a wonderful balance of imagery and reflection.

Essay Example #10: Journaling

Flipping past dozens of colorful entries in my journal, I arrive at the final blank sheet. I press my pen lightly to the page, barely scratching its surface to create a series of loops stringing together into sentences. Emotions spill out, and with their release, I feel lightness in my chest. The stream of thoughts slows as I reach the bottom of the page, and I gently close the cover of the worn book: another journal finished.

I add the journal to the stack of eleven books on my nightstand. Struck by the bittersweet sensation of closing a chapter of my life, I grab the notebook at the bottom of the pile to reminisce.

“I want to make a flying mushen to fly in space and your in it” – October 2008

Pulling back the cover of my first Tinkerbell-themed diary, the prompt “My Hopes and Dreams” captures my attention. Though “machine” is misspelled in my scribbled response, I see the beginnings of my past obsession with outer space. At the age of five, I tore through novels about the solar system, experimented with rockets built from plastic straws, and rented Space Shuttle films from Blockbuster to satisfy my curiosities. While I chased down answers to questions as limitless as the universe, I fell in love with learning. Eight journals later, the same relentless curiosity brought me to an airplane descending on San Francisco Bay.

“I wish I had infinite sunsets” – July 2019

I reach for the charcoal notepad near the top of the pile and open to the first page: my flight to the Stanford Pre-Collegiate Summer Institutes. While I was excited to explore bioengineering, anxiety twisted in my stomach as I imagined my destination, unsure of whether I could overcome my shyness and connect with others.

With each new conversation, the sweat on my palms became less noticeable, and I met students from 23 different countries. Many of the moments where I challenged myself socially revolved around the third story deck of the Jerry house. A strange medley of English, Arabic, and Mandarin filled the summer air as my friends and I gathered there every evening, and dialogues at sunset soon became moments of bliss. In our conversations about cultural differences, the possibility of an afterlife, and the plausibility of far-fetched conspiracy theories, I learned to voice my opinion. As I was introduced to different viewpoints, these moments challenged my understanding of the world around me. In my final entries from California, I find excitement to learn from others and increased confidence, a tool that would later allow me to impact my community.

“The beauty in a tower of cans” – June 2020

Returning my gaze to the stack of journals, I stretch to take the floral-patterned book sitting on top. I flip through, eventually finding the beginnings of the organization I created during the outbreak of COVID-19. Since then, Door-to-Door Deliveries has woven its way through my entries and into reality, allowing me to aid high-risk populations through free grocery delivery.

With the confidence I gained the summer before, I took action when seeing others in need rather than letting my shyness hold me back. I reached out to local churches and senior centers to spread word of our services and interacted with customers through our website and social media pages. To further expand our impact, we held two food drives, and I mustered the courage to ask for donations door-to-door. In a tower of canned donations, I saw the value of reaching out to help others and realized my own potential to impact the world around me.

I delicately close the journal in my hands, smiling softly as the memories reappear, one after another. Reaching under my bed, I pull out a fresh notebook and open to its first sheet. I lightly press my pen to the page, “And so begins the next chapter…”

The structuring of this essay makes it easy and enjoyable to read. The student effectively organizes their various life experiences around their tower of journals, which centers the reader and makes the different stories easy to follow. Additionally, the student engages quotes from their journals—and unique formatting of the quotes—to signal that they are moving in time and show us which memory we should follow them to.

Thematically, the student uses the idea of shyness to connect the different memories they draw out of their journals. As the student describes their experiences overcoming shyness at the Stanford Pre-Collegiate Summer Institutes and Door-to-Door Deliveries, this essay can be read as an Overcoming Obstacles essay.

At the end of this essay, readers are fully convinced that this student is dedicated (they have committed to journaling every day), thoughtful (journaling is a thoughtful process and, in the essay, the student reflects thoughtfully on the past), and motivated (they flew across the country for a summer program and started a business). These are definitely qualities admissions officers are looking for in applicants!

Although this essay is already exceptionally strong as it’s written, the first journal entry feels out of place compared to the other two entries that discuss the author’s shyness and determination. It works well for the essay to have an entry from when the student was younger to add some humor (with misspelled words) and nostalgia, but if the student had either connected the quote they chose to the idea of overcoming a fear present in the other two anecdotes or if they had picked a different quote all together related to their shyness, it would have made the entire essay feel more cohesive.

Where to Get Your Personal Statement Edited

Do you want feedback on your personal statement? After rereading your essays countless times, it can be difficult to evaluate your writing objectively. That’s why we created our free Peer Essay Review tool , where you can get a free review of your essay from another student. You can also improve your own writing skills by reviewing other students’ essays. 

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

Next Step: Supplemental Essays

Essay Guides for Each School

How to Write a Stellar Extracurricular Activity College Essay

4 Tips for Writing a Diversity College Essay

How to Write the “Why This College” Essay

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Personal Statement - Example No. 2

Class of 2005.

For anyone who has ever been passionate about being the best at something, whether it is athletics, music, art, theatre or any number of other endeavors, it is painful to come face to face with someone who is more talented. I have lived this experience in college basketball.

While never a great athlete, I enjoyed a fair amount of success as a high school basketball player, mostly because I am 6’8” tall. During my junior and senior seasons my high school basketball team tallied a record of 44-13 and made it to the regional championship twice. At the end of my senior season I was named First-Team All Conference, as well as named to the All-Area Team. Needless to say, as my senior season came to a close, I was incredibly excited about how my collegiate basketball career might unfold. In addition to receiving offers from several small NCAA Division I universities, I was heavily recruited by a number of NAIA, NCAA Division II and Division III colleges. In the end, I was lured by an athletic scholarship to Westmont College, a small liberal arts college in California. Soon after arriving at school, I realized that, despite the financial blessing of an athletic scholarship, Westmont College was not for me. I craved a more competitive academic environment that would challenge me as both a person and a student.

As I considered which schools would best fulfill both my academic and athletic interests, I turned to Wheaton College, just several miles from where I grew up. Wheaton College, which is known for its rigorous academic program, also has a strong Division III sports program. It was exactly what I was looking for. In addition, Wheaton College’s starting center had just suffered a severe knee injury and had decided to quit basketball indefinitely. I made up my mind; I would attend Wheaton College.

When I met with the Wheaton College coaching staff at the end of my freshman year, I was told that I would be the starting center for the Wheaton College basketball team the following season. That summer I took a job in the Wheaton College athletic facility so that I could train everyday after work. Over the course of those summer months, I spent countless hours lifting weights, playing pick-up basketball games, and running on the track. By mid-August, I was in the best physical condition of my life and ready to start the basketball season. Then something happened that would greatly affect my life for the next two years.

I was busy cleaning one of the treadmills in the gym when I glanced up to see a very familiar person walking into the building. It was Tim, the starting center, who a year earlier had decided to quit basketball because of degenerative cartilage in his knees. Over the summer he had lost twenty pounds, had both knees surgically repaired, and was taking anti-inflammatory pain medication daily. To my chagrin he had decided that he was not ready to give up basketball and wanted to play the following season.

At first I was disappointed. Had all of my hard work been for nothing? The news of Tim’s return caused me to enter the season with a great deal of uncertainty. However, as we began our pre-season practices, I was encouraged by how much I had improved over the summer. My hard work had paid off, and I believed I had a good chance of competing with Tim for the starting position. I was wrong. I was never given the opportunity to challenge Tim for the starting center position. From day one I was relegated to the reserve team. I was crushed. Because of Tim’s damaged knees, he was unable to practice for more than twenty minutes each day. While I practiced three hours each day, Tim took the floor for the last twenty minutes of each practice for the scrimmage time. It was very difficult to make the huge investment of time every practice only to have a teammate start every game though he never practiced. Yet, Tim’s talent was undeniable. During our season opening tournament, Tim averaged twenty points and ten rebounds per game. The rest of the season continued in much the same fashion. While I practiced three hours a day, six days a week, Tim continued to receive the public recognition during the games. By season’s end Tim had averaged twenty-one points and eleven rebounds per game and was named First Team Division III All-American. He was the best NCAA Division III center in the entire country! I, on the other hand, had averaged twelve minutes per game and had point and rebound averages that could be counted on one hand.

As the following season began I considered quitting basketball altogether. Was I ready to spend another season practicing three hours each day, only to watch someone else receive all of the glory? In the end, I elected to play, and during the first several weeks of my junior season something very interesting happened. I realized that I enjoyed playing the game of basketball, not because of the rewards associated with starting, or because of the accolades or trophies, but rather because I loved to compete, to prepare, and to work with others in a team-oriented environment. I still deeply desired to play more minutes during the games, but now it was less important to me. While I was learning these important life lessons, Tim again received First Team All-American accolades.

Tim graduated this past spring. I will likely be the starting center for the Wheaton College men’s basketball team this season. However, the honor of starting for the basketball team is not nearly as important to me as it once was. More than the honor of awards and the glory of personal recognition, I can now appreciate what basketball has taught me about myself. I have learned that I crave competitive environments, even ones where I am not the most gifted or talented. My basketball experience has also taught me to enjoy intense preparation and working with a team toward a common goal, even when there is little personal reward or recognition to be found. I have also learned to remain persistent amid disappointments. I hope to apply these lessons in a career as a litigator in a corporate law firm. The intense preparation required for trial, the need to work as a team toward a common goal, and the ability to perform all of these tasks without seeking personal glory are all lessons that I have learned on the basketball court over the past three seasons. These are lessons that I want to apply to my life and to my eventual career in law.

I was a Divison III college athlete. Years later, I now see how it ruined my body and my college experience.

• As a high school jock, I couldn't imagine not playing sports in college.
• But at my Division III college, I was forced to focus too much on my sports. 
• After injuring myself for life, I regret being a college athlete. 

I love sports . If you give me a ball and an open field, I'll play for hours. Give me wings and a TV with a game, that's all I need.

My love for sports started when I was young, and I developed my passion as a high school jock . I decided to continue that passion in college when I enrolled in a Division III school. There, I played both soccer and track and field.

But I didn't love my time playing sports in college . In fact, I wish I hadn't played in college at all.

Collegiate athletics was less competitive than I thought

On my first day of soccer preseason my freshman year , I was nervous my new team would eat me for lunch. But once we scrimmaged, I discovered I was among the best players. I hadn't expected it.

I thought playing in college meant playing at a higher level of competition than I ever had, but some players on my team would have ridden the bench at my high school .

I chalked up the level of play to Division III, but I at least thought if the play wasn't as competitive as I had hoped, the team would be more committed since we were actively choosing to continue our athletic careers. But there was never any intensity in our drills or fire in our practices.

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On my team, soccer felt more like an unwanted activity than a conscious commitment. We couldn't even keep people from quitting throughout the season.

I put too much pressure on myself and ruined my college experience

As captain of the soccer and track and field teams — which finished poorly in the conference standings — I felt I had to do something to improve us.

And I tried, but the truth is I tried too hard and gave too much to my teams. That means I didn't study abroad in college because I played sports every semester. I didn't make deep friendships with people in my classes because I had a schedule that didn't allow it. I didn't even party the way I should have. I sacrificed my last chance just to be a kid trying new things and meeting new people because I was too worried about giving my best to a college athletic department that wasn't giving its best to me. I wish I understood that leading my peers wasn't my responsibility.

I spent half my nights in college lying wide awake, replaying practice repeatedly in my head. My worries were never about soccer or track. Instead, I agonized over intense personal dynamics that I was too young and inexperienced to navigate.

Naively, I thought all of this would lead to a better job. But in the corporate world, no one cared about my leadership experience of captaining two college teams. Once I became a manager at a Fortune 500 company, I was dogged by the turbulence and failure I had experienced as a college athlete and struggled to find the confidence to lead a team in the real world.

The physical cost also wasn't worth it

Because I felt a responsibility to improve our teams, I physically pushed myself too hard. During my freshman soccer season , I played every minute of every game and took nearly all our free kicks.

I had pain, but I played through it. I ended up with an overuse injury that nearly ended my athletic career, cost me my sophomore year of soccer and track, and caused me to take toxic amounts of ibuprofen.

After graduation, I never got to compete in the triathlons I always imagined I would because my injury still flares up. I've had to pick hiking over marathons. I've chosen running with my kids over playing in adult soccer leagues. I've found a way to have an active life , but not a pain-free one, and I never will.

I wish I didn't do college sports

As a mom, I don't know exactly what I would tell my daughters if either one of them said they wanted to play in college. I probably would tell them about my experiences and allow them to make an educated choice.

I know there is more than one way to keep playing, and it doesn't have to be at the collegiate level. Local adult leagues, even semi-pro could have been a better option for me, and someday may be a better option for my children.

Either way, playing in college is an experience, but mine cost more than it should.

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