interpersonal conflict conclusion essay

Experience of Interpersonal Conflicts Essay

Interpersonal conflicts are inseparable elements of living in human society and building relations with other people. Even though their scope varies, there are some universal strategies, which can be deployed to solve them, referred to as communication theories. The key to using them successfully is learning to identify the needed theory and finding the ways to adapt it to cope with a conflict on a case-by-case basis. This paper is an attempt to analyze the personal experience of the collision of interests and applying the course material to handling it.

There were numerous conflicts I was involved in, but I decided to choose for analysis the one, which is the most significant concern to me. Most children have conflicts with their parents without regard to their age and social status. I am not an exception to this overall rule. I often have conflicts with my parents over my choice of lifestyle and spending free time. The parties involved are my father and mother on one hand and me on the other.

The conflict is a lasting one because as long as I remember myself, my parents taught me what I should think that they know what is better for me. As I grew older, I believed that I was adult enough to make similar choices by myself deciding where to spend time with my friends or how to manage my day. Every time I tried to prove it to my parents, we started quarreling. I believe that the reason for the conflict is that they refuse to accept that I have grown up.

Even though my father and mother want to protect me from making mistakes, which might affect my further welfare, I cannot see the reasons why choosing a hobby is a bad thing. The nature of our conflict may come down to the fact that family ties have always played a significant role in making the life decisions of both mom and dad. So, it might seem appropriate to them to direct me throughout my life just the way their parents did.

Interfamily conflicts, i.e. the conflicts between children and their parents, have become the subject of numerous scholarly studies in different areas of research from psychology to communication. I believe that my case is closely related to the course materials and scholarly articles because the newly obtained knowledge might be beneficial for determining the appropriate model of communication with my parents and coping with the problem in our family.

As for the course materials, they are relevant because they serve as the background for identifying the nature of the conflict and identifying the strategies for overcoming it. Speaking of the scholarly articles, they are the sources of additional knowledge necessary to improve the understanding of the initially received information and finding the ways that have proved to be effective in cases similar to mine.

The primary matter of concern in our family is the issue of ineffective communication. The model of communication is often viewed through the prism of cultural norms and ethnic background. That said, there are different dimensions of interfamily dialogues. They are based on the perception of power and freedom to express opinions. For example, my family unit is characterized by what is referred to as vertical-horizontal orientation of power distance.

This type of strategy for building family relations implies more authority of parents to control their children’s lives regardless of their age (Shearman, Dumlao, & Kagawa, 2008). In addition to it, the findings of some investigations point to the fact that interfamily conflicts are often evoked not only by ineffective communication but also the discrepancies in the perception of life and central values as well as the differences in developmental needs, i.e. what is known as generation gap (Birditt, Miller, Fingerman, & Lefkowitz, 2009). These scholarly studies have become a supplementation to the course materials, which have not mentioned similar ideas.

There are different types of conflict resolution styles. For example, some authors identify withdrawal, positive problem solving, and conflict engagement as the primary strategies for solving conflicts. Withdrawal is characterized by ignoring the existence of the problem. It means that the parties involved do not recognize the existence and significance of the problem. The second strategy, positive problem solving, implies conducting negotiations to find the most appropriate and comfortable solution to the challenge.

Finally, conflict engagement is about losing control over situations and emotions and getting involved in the active conflict (Doorn, Branje, & Meeus, 2011). Cahn and Abigail (2014) highlight that people in conflict choose either withdrawal or aggression, which makes conflicts ambiguous and unpredictable. The authors also note that there are only two types of strategies, which can be used for handling problems – destructive and constructive.

Recollecting the findings of the scholarly articles mentioned above, it can be said that positive problem solving is a constructive strategy while conflict engagement and withdrawal are destructive ones. Even though withdrawal is ignoring the conflict, it might lead to its escalation in the future.

Communication is key to establishing a comfortable conflict-free atmosphere in a family unit (Galvin, Braithwaite, & Bylund, 2015). If it is impossible to avoid conflicts, there are different communication strategies, which can be used by family members. Some of them are aggressive, adaptive, protective, and inconsistent communication. Aggressive communication is characterized by overt conflict and verbal violence. Adaptive strategy implies functional dialogue, which is close to reaching constructive solutions. Protective communication is about determining that one parent is a protector of a child’s interests.

Finally, the inconsistent type is simply ineffective. It means that the preference is given to power instead of well-considered arguments (Haverfield, Theiss, & Leustek, 2016). Cahn and Abigail (2014) determine similar types of communication. However, they identify what is known as collaboration and compromise. The first type of communication is similar to adaptive communication while compromising strategy implies trading out the desired conflict solution by providing arguments and something of benefit in return for the demanded changes.

To sum up, while conducting this research, I have come up with several significant conclusions. First of all, I realized that the model of communication used within my family unit was ineffective and inconsistent. The same can be said about the deployed conflict resolution type. In most cases, I chose to ignore the existence of the problem, i.e. withdraw from the conflict. When I tried to make my parents understand me, I got involved in overt conflict using an aggressive communication strategy.

I believe that there is a perfect solution to my problem. The challenge could be handled if I use adaptive communication. I think it might also be useful to become open in expressing my thoughts and opinions instead of disregarding the issue.

Birditt, K. S., Miller, L. M., Fingerman, K. L., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2009). Tensions in the parent and adult child relationship: Links to solidarity and ambivalence. Psychology and Aging, 24 (2), 287-295.

Cahn, D. D., & Abigail, R. A. (2014). Managing conflict through communication (5th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education.

Doorn, M. D., Branje, S., & Meeus, W. (2011). Developmental changes in conflict resolution styles in parent–adolescent relationships: A four-wave longitudinal study. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 40 (1), 97-107.

Galvin, K. M., Braithwaite, D. O., & Bylund, C. L. (2015). Family communication: Cohesion and change (9th ed.). New York, NY: Routledge.

Haverfield, M. C., Theiss, J.A., & Leustek, J. (2016). Characteristics of communication in families of alcoholics. Journal of Family Communication, 16 (2), 111-127.

Shearman, S. M., Dumlao, R., & Kagawa, N. (2008). Cultural variations in accounts by American and Japanese young adults: Recalling a major conflict with parents. Journal of Family Communication, 8 (3), 186-211.

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IvyPanda. (2021, April 26). Experience of Interpersonal Conflicts. https://ivypanda.com/essays/experience-of-interpersonal-conflicts/

"Experience of Interpersonal Conflicts." IvyPanda , 26 Apr. 2021, ivypanda.com/essays/experience-of-interpersonal-conflicts/.

IvyPanda . (2021) 'Experience of Interpersonal Conflicts'. 26 April.

IvyPanda . 2021. "Experience of Interpersonal Conflicts." April 26, 2021. https://ivypanda.com/essays/experience-of-interpersonal-conflicts/.

1. IvyPanda . "Experience of Interpersonal Conflicts." April 26, 2021. https://ivypanda.com/essays/experience-of-interpersonal-conflicts/.

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10.8 Conclusion

Conflict can run the gamut from minor annoyances to physically violent situations. At the same time, conflict can increase creativity and innovation, or it can bring organizations to a grinding halt. There are many different types of conflict, including interpersonal, intrapersonal, and intergroup. Within organizations, there are many common situations that can spur conflict. Certain organizational structures, such as a matrix structure, can cause any given employee to have multiple bosses and conflicting or overwhelming demands. A scarcity of resources for employees to complete tasks is another common cause of organizational conflict, particularly if groups within the organization compete over those resources. Of course, simple personality clashes can create intrapersonal conflict in any situation. Communication problems are also a very common source of conflict even when no actual problem would exist otherwise. When conflict arises, it can be handled by any number of methods, each with varying degrees of cooperation and competitiveness. Different situations require different conflict handling methods, and no one method is best.

Negotiations occur during many important processes, and possessing astute negation skills can be an incredible tool. A key component to negotiations involves having a BATNA, or “best alternative to a negotiated agreement.” Negotiations typically move through five phases, including investigation, determining your BATNA, presentation, bargaining, and closure. During a negotiation, it is important not to make any number of common mistakes. These mistakes can include accepting the first offer, letting ego get in the way, having unrealistic expectations of the outcome of the negotiation, becoming too emotional during the process, or being weighed down by previous failures and letting the past repeat itself. It is important to keep in mind that many cultures have preferential methods for handling conflict and negotiation. Individuals should understand the cultural background of others to better navigate what could otherwise become a messy situation.

Organizational Behavior Copyright © 2017 by University of Minnesota is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License , except where otherwise noted.

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Conflicts in Relationships

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Beyond Intractability

The Hyper-Polarization Challenge to the Conflict Resolution Field: A Joint BI/CRQ Discussion BI and the Conflict Resolution Quarterly invite you to participate in an online exploration of what those with conflict and peacebuilding expertise can do to help defend liberal democracies and encourage them live up to their ideals.

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Hyper-Polarization, COVID, Racism, and the Constructive Conflict Initiative Read about (and contribute to) the  Constructive Conflict Initiative  and its associated Blog —our effort to assemble what we collectively know about how to move beyond our hyperpolarized politics and start solving society's problems. 

By Charles (Chip) Hauss

August 2003

William Ury begins the first chapter of The Third Side with a simple story. Two friends of his were almost run over by a speeding car. One of his friends got angry and smashed the hood of the car with his fist. The driver, infuriated, stormed out of the car. It turns out that the driver was black; Ury's friends are white. So, this rapidly escalating conflict immediately also took on racial overtones. Then, an elderly black man came up and put his hands down as if to say, "OK, cool it." As Ury finishes the story, "the young man visibly struggled to control himself, then suddenly walked back to his car, got in, and drove off without another word."[1]

You might well ask why it makes sense to start with a story about a bad driver and three pedestrians in an article about intractable conflict. Indeed, this story has little in common with anything else in this data base.

However, in one page, Ury opens two doors. The first is to what he calls "the third side," the individuals or groups who can help solve a conflict. The second and more relevant door here is to the way interpersonal conflict and violence sheds light on the broader social and political issues which are at the heart of this project.

What Is Interpersonal Conflict

In a very real sense, interpersonal conflict is the stuff of life.

We encounter it every day. My wife and I, for instance, routinely disagree about what to eat, whether we should go to the mall, our relationship with her daughter, if she should retire or not, and, perhaps most important of all, the amount of time I spend writing. I enter into conflict with my students over the grades I give them. And, even at the conflict resolution organization I work for, we have conflicts all the time over what projects who should take on, how we should work with the people who ask for our help, and even how we should clean up our office kitchen.

Interpersonal conflict truly is everywhere. We have road rage on suburban highways, battles of the bands, disputes between neighbors over property lines, arguments between workers and bosses. The list goes on and on.

Why Is Interpersonal Conflict Important?

The importance of interpersonal conflict lies in how we handle it.

One of my colleagues at Search for Common Ground who has helped set up a local conflict resolution center uses the terms "flight, fight, or unite" to describe our options when we encounter conflict.

"Flight" is what scholars call the exit option. Sometimes we can just walk away from it. If someone acts aggressively toward me on Washington 's infamous Beltway, I can drive away. If my neighbor turns out to be an impossible, harassing jerk, I can move.

We certainly can fight. It's not the road rage deaths that are most worrisome here, though there are far too many of them. Spousal abuse, most violent crime, and most schoolyard fights are an outgrowth of interpersonal conflict. The rage seen in American (and other) homes, neighborhoods, workplaces, and schools is very frightening. To some, it reflects our very human nature of selfishness, greed, and a tendency toward violence.

Or, we can unite to solve our differences cooperatively. My wife and I have found ways to become better parents and step-parents respectively simply by talking through our differences of opinion. I can settle almost every grade complaint in a way that not only satisfies the student involved but makes him or her a better student and me a better teacher.

If the interpersonal conflict is intense, however, uniting requires help from what Ury calls a third sider, an individual or group who helps disputants find common interests that can serve as the basis for an agreement. Many families going through the kind of conflict that could lead to divorce seek the help of counselors. Occasionally, I have to turn to my department chair for help if I can't work out a grade complaint or other conflict with a student. Most American communities have some sort of community conflict resolution service. Mediators and arbitrators are used on a routine basis in American business. Some of them have such good reputations that they can charge hundreds of dollars an hour for their services. Finally, at least 5,000 American schools have peer mediation programs to help minimize the violence that grows out of the inevitable conflicts among young people.

The words of Tracy Chapman in the box at right come from her debut album. In its 11 tracks, she evocatively tells us about many of the aspects of interpersonal conflict in the United States and beyond -- racism, poverty, homelessness, spousal abuse, gang violence, despair, substance abuse, corruption, sexism, and racial profiling by the police.

Some interpersonal conflict is a micro-level version of the international and national disputes which are the focus of this knowledge base. In other words, flight, fight, and unite are the options we have in facing any intractable conflict. Interpersonal and international conflict are not the same, of course. However, in some ways it is easier to prevent international conflict from turning violent because collective decisions have to be made, often by hundreds of people.

What Can Individuals Do?

Not surprisingly, individuals can have their greatest impact in the ways that interpersonal conflicts unfold. Unlike national or international conflicts which are decided at sites distant from London, England, New London, Conn., or New London, South Africa, these erupt and are best solved as close to "home" as possible.

During the 1960s, the civil rights activist Eldridge Clearer claimed that "if you are not part of the solution, you part of the problem." He was, of course, referring to the struggle for equality by African-Americans in what was loosely called the Black Power movement. His statement is just as true of any interpersonal conflict, whether race is involved or not.

As these three terms, "flight, fight, and unite" suggest, an individual faced with an interpersonal conflict has three basic options. The first two are almost always counterproductive.

As we saw earlier, interpersonal violence is almost always counterproductive. To see that, consider the biblical story of David and Goliath which one of my colleagues uses to illustrate our options when facing intractable conflict.

In the biblical story, the normal-sized David slays the giant Goliath using a stone and a slingshot. As far as the Bible is concerned, the story ends there.

But does it? In today's world, David will probably get arrested and spend time in jail. Or, if Goliath isn't killed, he will get back up again and try to exact revenge against David. Even if he is killed, his giant friends will probably try to get back at David by hurling boulders at him. In other words, in most real world settings, interpersonal violence used in response to interpersonal violence produces even more interpersonal violence in return.

Flight does not provide a better option. The narrator in Tracy Chapman's song does not literally flee the conflict; she sits behind her wall and listens, probably in fear herself. "Flight" here does not necessarily mean physically running away from a conflict. Rather, we tend to put it on the back burner, delaying dealing with it, hoping that somehow it will just go away .

It seldom does.

In other words, individuals have a primary responsibility to choose the "unite" option and solve their problems cooperatively. And, today, it is not hard for them to learn how to do so. Most communities in the United States and many other countries have local mediation services which can help people settle disputes and offer training in basic conflict resolution skills. So, too, do many schools, police departments, and corporations.

What Third Parties Can Do

Conflict resolution is a growth industry. Mediators are now called on to help settle everything from wars between states to "wars" between divorcing spouses.

The growing community of mediators and other conflict resolution professionals still has to mature in at least two ways. First, it has to become much more visible so that people who currently do not know it exists learn of it and turn to it when a conflict arises. Second, it has to become more political and seek out ways to make win-win conflict resolution the norm "above" the interpersonal level.

What States Can Do

Most governments have already taken steps to reduce the most violent forms of interpersonal conflict, such as spousal abuse. Most observers, however, believe that states also have a long way to go in preventing violence and punishing those who commit it.

More importantly for our purposes here, states have barely scratched the surface when it comes to promoting win/win conflict resolution at any level, including the interpersonal. A number of American states have created consensus councils or other institutions designed to foster cooperation in public policy making. Many American states require the use of mediation in divorce cases and otherwise promote the use of alternative dispute resolution because it is usually cheaper and provides more satisfactory outcomes than litigation. As noted earlier, many public schools and universities have peer mediation programs.

Few governments at any level or in any country have done much to promote interpersonal conflict resolution in other forms. In particular, almost none have supported campaigns or other efforts to promote win-win conflict resolution as a general approach to settling disputes. As a result, adversarial processes remain the norm for interpersonal as well political intractable conflicts.

[1] William Ury, The Third Side . (New York: Penguin, 2000), 3.

Use the following to cite this article: Hauss, Charles (Chip). "Interpersonal Conflict and Violence." Beyond Intractability . Eds. Guy Burgess and Heidi Burgess. Conflict Information Consortium, University of Colorado, Boulder. Posted: August 2003 < http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/interpersonal-violence >.

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Our inability to constructively handle intractable conflict is the most serious, and the most neglected, problem facing humanity. Solving today's tough problems depends upon finding better ways of dealing with these conflicts.   More...

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Essays About Conflict: Top 5 Examples and 7 Writing Prompts

Writing about disagreements between two or more groups is a challenge. To help you write this topic, see our examples and prompts for essays about conflict.

Conflict is a clash between two parties, often because of religious, social, or political disagreements. The ongoing war between Russia and Ukraine began in early 2014 and is an example of armed conflict. It affects the citizens, economy, tourism, and other sectors of the two countries, with impacts reaching other areas of the world.

In literature, conflict is an integral part of fictional stories that justifies characters’ actions and keeps readers engaged. Conflict is also a part of our everyday lives; from disagreements with family members to arguments with friends, we’ve all experienced conflict at one time or another. Since conflict is a sensitive topic, a critical rule in writing conflict essays is to always rely on factual evidence.

5 Essay Examples

1. why is conflict important by anonymous on studymoose.com, 2. analysis on conflict perspective in titanic by anonymous on edubirdie.com, 3. conflicts of difference in religion in the middle east by jennifer logan, 4. conflicts in relationship by james taylor, 5. workplace conflict by lindsey latoya, 1. the nature, type, and causes of conflict, 2. how achieving goals promotes intrapersonal conflict, 3. conflicts between nations then and now, 4. karl marx’s theory of conflict, 5. conflict: intrapersonal vs. interpersonal, 6. terrorism, conflict, and the tourism industry, 7. the influence of culture on conflicts.

“… Conflict is a big part of the story and it makes the story interesting. Without conflict, the story seems plain and there’s no flare to get people to want to read it or enjoy it. Some authors use man against himself, man against nature, man against society, and man against man.”

This essay explains why conflict is integral for stories, mentioning that it makes a literary piece exciting enough to maintain the readers’ attention. The author uses Richard Connell’s “ The Most Dangerous Game ” to prove their point and delves into relevant scenes demonstrating different conflicts. For example, the scene where the main character fights against the big waves to reach the island for safety exemplifies the conflict of Man against Nature.

“The film is an excellent example of the perspective of conflict, every scene is thoughtful, and reflects the discrimination and exploitation that the working class society faces.”

The author offers several citations to support their claim that the 1997 Titanic film is more than a romantic tragedy. Putting Rose and Jack’s love story aside, the movie also depicts the differences between social classes that link them to conflict theory. According to the founder of this theory, the leading cause of conflicts is the unequal distribution of power and resources among people.

The essay brings up several film segments that cement these differences, such as the standard rule of “women and children first” when evacuating people during a disaster. Although the tragedy claimed the lives of both lower and upper-class men, the movie conveys an important message that everyone will suffer, regardless of class, in times of calamity.

“The Middle East has been in a state of turmoil since the early 1990’s. Conflicts arose from differences in religion, control over territories, and uneven political distribution. These conflicts were not just between countries, but also within individual countries.”

Although this essay doesn’t reveal the root cause of conflicts in the Middle East, it shows the magnitude of the impact of these fights caused by religious differences, territorial disputes, and political inequality. Logan explains that government instability in the Middle East makes it possible for various terrorist to express their grievances and desires through violence.

“As you start your married life, know that conflicts are a must and communication is the key to solving such issues. When married people see the need to manage interpersonal conflicts rather than ignoring them, their marriage becomes functional and happy.”

Couples usually avoid conflicts in their relationships, but Taylor knows it’s inevitable. A relationship without interpersonal conflict can become weak and often leads to separation. He believes that people who ignore problems to avoid conflicts with their partners develop negative emotions that destroy love. Taylor explains that bringing one’s gender and culture into the conversation is the key to resolving disputes, as it prevents miscommunication and demonstrates equal power.

“By better understanding how conflict arise, and practicing handling such conflict in an assertive way, it can become far less intimidating and be an aspect of work you can learn to manage rather than have it manage you.”

Latoya’s essay focuses on how Chinese people avoid conflicts to promote peace and avoid discord, especially workplace disagreements. She describes workplace conflict as work-related or personal tension between two or more forces with differing values ​​and perspectives.

Latoya mentions three techniques to clear up these issues: stimulating, controlling, and resolving and eliminating disputes. Ultimately, the author believes that every manager must maintain emotional distance and focus on conflict resolution by listening, empathizing, and guiding members who have conflicts.

For help with your essays, check out our round-up of the best essay checkers

7 Prompts for Writing Essays About Conflicts

Conflict is diverse and includes essential features that need to be discussed. For this prompt, focus on the conflict in its universality and explain the four major types of conflict. Identify and explain the causes of various conflict categories. Then, give real-life cases of each so the readers can understand and relate to these examples. You might be interested in these essays about cause and effect and essays about curiosity .

Various factors are considered to find the root cause of conflicts. This prompt focuses on elements that promote intrapersonal conflicts, such as frustration, stress, anxiety, and insecurity. 

Tell your readers about a specific situation where the desire to achieve a goal made you feel various negative emotions. Then share what conflict management style you used to resolve this conflict and peacefully achieve your goals.

Our history is filled with strife between groups rallying to support what they believe is right. Such as the case of World War II, which claimed 35 to 60 million lives. In this essay, write about historical and current conflicts and explain their origins. Then, examine the efforts made by past and present governments to resolve these disputes, including the positive or negative impacts of these conflicts on the world at large.

To give credence to Karl Marx ’s Theory of Conflict, introduce him by speaking about his background and accomplishments. Then, refocus on Conflict Theory’s meaning, importance, and how it’s applied to understand society. Offer studies and cases that prove Conflict Theory’s existence. Then discuss the advantages and disadvantages of using this theory to understand and resolve disagreements.

Intrapersonal conflict refers to disputes within yourself, while interpersonal conflict concerns misunderstandings with others. In your essay, compare and contrast these two types of conflict and present common situations where these would occur. 

For example, interpersonal conflict could be a disagreement with a coworker, whereas intrapersonal conflict could be an internal struggle with your emotions. Then, add tips on how individuals should respond to these conflicts to avoid further damage. You might also like these essays about stress and articles about attitude .

Terrorism is urged by unfair treatment and different beliefs. Tourism is one of the industries most affected when terrorism occurs in a particular area or country. Use this prompt to discuss the typical impacts of terrorism on a location’s travel and tourism industry. Include reliable articles that report on tourism’s decline after the emergence of terrorism and conflicts.

Conflict usually emerges due to cultural differences between individuals or communities. In your essay, speak about how culture plays a vital role in instigating and mitigating conflicts. For example, the American Civil War occurred because of cultural conflicts because of different views on slavery. Look into past cultural conflicts such as these for a compelling historical essay.

If you need help picking your next essay topic, check out our guide on writing an essay about diversity .

Maria Caballero is a freelance writer who has been writing since high school. She believes that to be a writer doesn't only refer to excellent syntax and semantics but also knowing how to weave words together to communicate to any reader effectively.

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Interpersonal: The Power of Communication, Essay Example

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Introduction

Throughout my life, I devoted much of my time to my family and my relations with family members. I always believed that what we say changes the direction of our relations with each other: a routine discussion of daily news is nothing but a neutral talk, while a conflict[1] and a quarrel often result in misunderstanding and even silence, which can last for days and even weeks. In conflicts, we learn to better understand our relatives and friends. Our conflicts with parents often become a good test to our communication and skills and abilities. I often witnessed how other family members could resolve their conflicts easily and without any serious consequences. My first conflict with mother turned into a communication disaster I would never wish to experience again and, simultaneously, taught me a good lesson about what it takes to use communication as a conflict resolution technique.

When I was 15, my mother suddenly decided that she had an exclusive right to choose my friends for me. That was the first time we ever had a serious conflict. I could not understand the reasons behind my mother’s decision. I was totally confused by her blindness and deafness toward my arguments. First, our communication turned into a row of offenses. Abusive language became a daily routine. With time, our interpersonal communication transformed into silence and complete negligence toward each other and each other’s needs. Every time we decided to discuss the conflict peacefully, we ended with even greater sense of confusion. I had a feeling that my mother intentionally ignored my arguments and my right to take decisions. My friends stopped coming to my house. I spent most of my free time outside, missing family suppers and forgetting about the most important family dates. With time, my mother realized and recognized her mistake and gradually, everything got back to the norm.

To make the analysis of the discussed situation objective and full, the following terms will be used:

• Attribution theory : In my conflict with mother, I was trying to understand her motives and the reasons behind her actions and words. I wanted to know, why she decided she could choose my friends, in order to develop a good communication strategy. “Attributions are explanations of why things happen and why people act as they do” (Wood).
• Standpoint theory had to help me to analyze the situation from the two different standpoints: mine and my mother’s. I had to realize that my mother and I occupy different positions in the family hierarchy. Thus, our views on one and the same situation will differ, too. “Standpoint theory claims that a culture includes a number of social communities that have different degrees of social status and privilege” (Wood).
• Rule-guided communication : In our family, communication was guided by a number of rules, which my mother set and which other family members had to follow. For example, we were not allowed to speak about problems at the dinner table. “Communication rules are shared understandings of what communication means and what kinds of communication are and are not appropriate in various situations” (Wood).
• Punctuation was very important in my communication with mother. I knew that when she did not want to talk to me, she would rather choose to leave the room. Punctuation is a form of communication like intonation or even movement, which individuals use to mark the beginning and the end of each communication act (Wood);
• Kinesics was one of the communication approaches I used when I no longer had words to explain my arguments: I would move my hands and walk around the room, showing my nervousness and disappointment with my mother’s position. Kinesics is the most powerful form of non-verbal communication in humans and includes body position and body motions, including those of face (Wood);
• Ethical communication had to become the solution to our conflict, in which my mother and I would account for each other’s opinions and finally come to an agreement. Ethical communication is a form of communication that pursues fairness, truthfulness, and personal integrity and turns mutual respect into the definitive feature of effective communication (Wood).
• Paralanguage: trying to prove our positions, we applied to different forms of paralanguage, like the tone of voice and intonation. These elements had to make arguments more persuasive and, simultaneously, show my disappointment with my mother’s actions. Paralanguage “is vocal communication that does not involve words” (Wood).
• Silence became the ultimate tool of communication regulation between me and my mother: when we no longer had arguments, we fell to silence and no longer tried to explain our positions to each other. Sometimes, “silence is used to stifle others’ conversation” (Wood).

I must say that our relationship communication always reflected the relationship values we shared. My mother and I tried to establish the atmosphere of equity and fairness, where every member of the communication web could express his (her) view and finally come to a general agreement (in other words, we operated at the relationship level of meanings – Wood). I considered my mother’s decision as another expression of her bad character and, simultaneously, suspected that the noise we caused in the house and the hours I spent on the phone with my friends could have irritated my mother. I also felt that her erroneous beliefs about my own immaturity and inability to take independent decisions became the basic attribute in our conflict. In any case, attributions[2] became the central object of my analysis. I wanted to understand why my mother took her decision. I needed that knowledge of motivation to build a better communication strategy. The knowledge of attributions would help me to choose the arguments for my position – the arguments my mother would accept and understand. Attributions had to help me to build a consensus with my mother.

I had a constant feeling that my mother judged me from her own standpoint[3] and was not willing to take my side. She did not want to reconsider my situation from my perspective and used her own criteria of judging people. She believed that my friends were not really friends. She did not consider my relations with friends as serious and she believed that my friends influenced negatively my school achievements. As a result, I felt that my mother had a somewhat narrow view of the situation. Her judgment reflected her own standpoint and she was not willing to create a whole picture. She interpreted the events from her own perspective and, unfortunately, did not want to hear the way I interpreted the same events. Different standpoints resulted in an ongoing conflict, which we, two members of one family, could never resolve: as a person in position of power, my mother did not want to notice the existing inequities and to see that her beliefs disadvantaged others (Wood). My mother operated highly subjective ideas and connotations. Meanwhile, I tried to understand my situation and to explain it to my mother, and to understand her situation, too, to be able to find a communication key to our conflict. I even applied to nonverbal modes of communication and tried to use kinesics[4] to persuade that my mother was wrong.  I used gestures which, as Hargie and Dickson put it, were an effective illustrator of my emotions and accompanied my speech (59). At times of the most heated arguments I felt the lack of verbal proofs, but my mother did not seem open to this form of interpersonal communication and wanted me to express my thoughts and feelings clearly.

I must say that interpersonal communication in my family was always rule-guided[5]. We shared numerous meanings and patterns of communication, many of which were unique to our family. Interpersonal communication between family members operated in the context of several important regulative and constitutive rules. We were not allowed to discuss problems at the dinner table. Also, our parents never encouraged us to participate in the discussion of various family issues, thus promoting the role of authority and even dictatorship in interpersonal communication. My mother never welcomed extreme emotions in my relationships with her and did not always allow me to raise my voice. That is why, my conflict with mother became something extraordinary because we no longer followed the rules; more often, I would come down to raise my voice trying to prove my personal right for choosing friends for myself.

Punctuation[6] was another problem: I always knew that the moment my mother entered my room, I had to prepare myself to a lengthy conversation. For example, her presence in my room usually marked the beginning of the new act of interpersonal communication between us. However, as the two parties of the conflict, we could not find any agreement regarding punctuation. The moment I entered her room, my mother would choose to leave or refuse to talk to me. In a similar vein, her presence in my room no longer marked the beginning of the new conversation. We were playing a “demand-withdraw” game which did not give us any satisfaction. Eventually, we fell down to silence, I stopped spending my free time at home, and we gradually reduced our interpersonal communication activity to a minimum. Silence[7] in our conflict became the critical component of the paralanguage[8] we used to express our identities and to send a powerful message about our unwillingness to resolve the conflict in a peaceful way.

As I look back and try to understand the situation, I realize that ethical communication[9] could become a viable solution to our problem. I must say that in my relationships with mother, I tried to be as respectful as possible, but when I understood that she was not willing to reconsider her arguments from my perspective, I lost any hope that ethics and respect would help me. My mother had to be more attentive to what I was trying to say: authority and domination are not the best friends of effective interpersonal communication. Equity, fairness, mutual respect, and attention are what matters for the success of any interpersonal contact between family members.

That communication is the basic predictor of our ability to resolve the conflicts is difficult to deny. My conflict with mother became an excellent test to our communication abilities and skills. We could not find any agreement and spent months trying to prove the righteousness of each other’s position. Only with time and with the current knowledge of interpersonal communication, I was able to understand that communication is the foundation of interpersonal relationships. Silence and paralanguage, kinesics and the rules of speech altogether create conditions necessary to resolve conflicts successfully. The knowledge of these elements and concepts will predetermine the direction of my communication strategies for years ahead.

Works Cited

Hargie, O. & Dickson, D. Skilled Interpersonal Communication. New York: Routledge, 2004.

Wood, J.T. Communication In Our Lives. Boston: Cengage Learning, 2008.

[1] Conflict exists when people who depend on each other disagree in their views, goals, or interests and feel that such differences make them incompatible (Wood).

[2] “Attributions are explanations of why things happen and why people act as they do” (Wood).

[3] “Standpoint theory claims that a culture includes a number of social communities that have different degrees of social status and privilege” (Wood).

[4] Kinesics is the most powerful form of non-verbal communication in humans and includes body position and body motions, including those of face (Wood).

[5] “Communication rules are shared understandings of what communication means and what kinds of communication are and are not appropriate in various situations” (Wood).

[6] Punctuation is a form of communication like intonation or even movement, which individuals use to mark the beginning and the end of each communication act (Wood).

[7] “Silence is used to stifle others’ conversation” (Wood).

[8] Paralanguage “is vocal communication that does not involve words” (Wood).

[9] Ethical communication is a form of communication that pursues fairness, truthfulness, and personal integrity (Wood).

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