essay on toxic friendship

French teenagers on a boat in the Seine river, Paris, 1988. Photo by David Alan Harvey/Magnum

Bad friends

Even the best of friends can fill you with tension and make you sick. why does friendship so readily turn toxic.

by Carlin Flora   + BIO

Think of a time when you sat across from a friend and felt truly understood. Deeply known. Maybe you sensed how she was bringing out your ‘best self’, your cleverest observations and wittiest jokes. She encouraged you. She listened, articulated one of your patterns, and then gently suggested how you might shift it for the better. The two of you gossiped about your mutual friends, skipped between shared memories, and delved into cherished subjects in a seamlessly scripted exchange full of shorthand and punctuated with knowing expressions. Perhaps you felt a warm swell of admiration for her, and a simultaneous sense of pride in your similarity to her. You felt deep satisfaction to be valued by someone you held in such high regard: happy, nourished and energised through it all.

These are the friendships that fill our souls, and bolster and shape our identities and life paths. They have also been squeezed into social science labs enough times for us to know that they keep us mentally and physically healthy: good friends improve immunity , spark creativity , drop our blood pressure , ward off dementia among the elderly , and even decrease our chances of dying at any given time. If you feel you can’t live without your friends, you’re not being melodramatic.

But even our easiest and richest friendships can be laced with tensions and conflicts, as are most human relationships. They can lose a bit of their magic and fail to regain it, or even fade out altogether for tragic reasons, or no reason at all. Then there are the not-so-easy friendships; increasingly difficult friendships; and bad, gut-wrenching, toxic friendships. The pleasures and benefits of good friends are abundant, but they come with a price. Friendship, looked at through a clear and wide lens, is far messier and more lopsided than it is often portrayed.

The first cold splash on an idealised notion of friendship is the data showing that only about half of friendships are reciprocal . This is shocking to people, since research confirms that we actually assume nearly all our friendships are reciprocal. Can you guess who on your list of friends wouldn’t list you?

One explanation for imbalance is that many friendships are aspirational : a study of teens shows that people want to be friends with popular people, but those higher up the social hierarchy have their pick (and skew the average). A corroborating piece of evidence, which was highlighted by Steven Strogatz in a 2012 article in The New York Times, is the finding that your Facebook ‘friends’ always have, on average, more ‘friends’ than you do. So much for friendship being an oasis from our status-obsessed world.

‘Ambivalent’ relationships, in social science parlance, are characterised by interdependence and conflict. You have many positive and negative feelings toward these people. You might think twice about picking up when they call. These relationships turn out to be common, too. Close to half of one’s important social network members are identified as ambivalent. Granted, more of those are family members (whom we’re stuck with) than friends, but still, for friendship, it’s another push off the pedestal.

Friends who are loyal, reliable, interesting companions – good! – can also be bad for you, should they have other qualities that are less desirable. We know through social network research that depressed friends make it more likely you’ll be depressed, obese friends make it more likely you’ll become obese, and friends who smoke or drink a lot make it more likely you’ll smoke and drink more.

Other ‘good’ friends might have, or start to have, goals, values or habits that misalign with your current or emerging ones. They certainly haven’t ‘done’ anything to you. But they aren’t a group that validates who you are, or that will effortlessly lift you up toward your aims over time. Stay with them, and you’ll be walking against the wind.

In addition to annoying us, these mixed-bag friendships harm our health. A 2003 study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad from Brigham Young University and Bert Uchino from the University of Utah asked people to wear blood-pressure monitors and write down interactions with various people. Blood pressure was higher with ambivalent relationships than it was with friends or outright enemies. This is probably due to the unpredictability of these relationships, which leads us to be vigilant: Will Jen ruin Christmas this year? Ambivalent relationships have also been associated with increased cardiovascular reactivity, greater cellular ageing , lowered resistance to stress, and a decreased sense of wellbeing.

One research team, though, found that ambivalent friendships might have benefits in the workplace. They showed that in these pairings workers are more likely to put themselves in the other’s shoes, in part because they are trying to figure out what the relationship means and what it is. Also, because ambivalent friendships make you feel uncertain about where you stand, they can push you to work harder to establish your position.

‘Frenemies’ are perhaps a separate variety in that they are neatly multi-layered – friendliness atop rivalry or dislike – as opposed to the ambivalent relationship’s admixture of love, hate, annoyance, pity, devotion and tenderness. Plenty of people have attested to the motivating force of a frenemy at work, as well as in the realms of romance and parenting.

A s with unhappy families, there are countless ways a friend can be full-on ‘bad’, no ambivalence about it. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist in Denver, and Sharon Livingston, a psychologist and marketing consultant in New York, have studied the issue, and found some typical qualities: a bad friend makes you feel competitive with her other friends; she talks much more about herself than you do about yourself; she criticises you in a self-righteous way but is defensive when you criticise her; she makes you feel you’re walking on eggshells and might easily spark her anger or disapproval; she has you on an emotional rollercoaster where one day she’s responsive and complimentary and the next she freezes you out.

In 2014 , a team at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh found that, as the amount of negativity in relationships increased for healthy women aged over 50, so did their risk of developing hypertension. Negative social interactions – incidents including excessive demands, criticism, disappointment and disagreeable exchanges – were related to a 38 per cent increased risk. For men, there was no link between bad relationships and high blood pressure. This is likely because women care more about, and are socialised to pay more attention to, relationships.

Negative interactions can lead to inflammation, too, in both men and women. Jessica Chiang, a researcher at the University of California, Los Angeles, who conducted a study showing as much, has said that an accumulation of social stressors could cause physical damage, just like an actual toxin.

Some of our most hurtful friendships start out good, but then became bad. Among teens, for example, the rates of cyber aggression are 4.3 times higher between friends than between friends of friends. Or as Diane de Poitiers, the 16th-century mistress of King Henry II of France, said: ‘To have a good enemy, choose a friend: he knows where to strike.’

The writer Robert Greene addresses the slippery slope in his book The 48 Laws of Power (1998). Bringing friends into your professional endeavours can aid the gradual crossover from ‘good’ to ‘bad’, he warns, in part because of how we react to grand favours:

Strangely enough, it is your act of kindness that unbalances everything. People want to feel they deserve their good fortune. The receipt of a favour can become oppressive: it means you have been chosen because you are a friend, not necessarily because you are deserving. There is almost a touch of condescension in the act of hiring friends that secretly afflicts them. The injury will come out slowly: a little more honesty, flashes of resentment and envy here and there, and before you know it your friendship fades.

Ah – so too much giving and ‘a little more honesty’ are friendship-disrupters? That conclusion, which runs counter to the ethos of total openness and unlimited generosity between friends, provides a clue as to why there are so many ‘bad’, ‘good and bad’, and ‘good, then bad’ friends. In his paper ‘The Evolution of Reciprocal Altruism’ (1971), the evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers concludes that ‘each individual human is seen as possessing altruistic and cheating tendencies’, where cheating means giving at least a bit less (or taking at least a bit more) than a friend would give or take from us.

Good people do attract more friends (though being a high-status good person helps)

Trivers goes on to explain that we have evolved to be subtle cheaters, with complex mechanisms for regulating bigger cheaters and also ‘too much’ altruism. He writes:

In gross cheating, the cheater fails to reciprocate at all, and the altruist suffers the costs of whatever altruism he has dispensed without any compensating benefit… clearly, selection will strongly favour prompt discrimination against the gross cheater. Subtle cheating, by contrast, involves reciprocating, but always attempting to give less than one was given, or more precisely, to give less than the partner would give if the situation were reversed.

The rewarding emotion of ‘liking’ someone is also a part of this psychological regulation system, and selection will favour liking those who are altruistic: good people do attract more friends (though being a high-status good person helps). But the issue is not whether we are cheaters or altruists, good or bad, but to what degree are we each of those things in different contexts and relationships.

P erhaps this seesaw between cheating and altruism, which settles to a midpoint of 50/50, explains why 50 per cent keeps coming up in research on friends and relationships. Recall that half of our friendships are non-reciprocal, half of our social network consists of ambivalent relationships, and – to dip into the adjacent field of lie detection – the average person detects lies right around 50 per cent of the time. We evolved to be able to detect enough lies to not be totally swindled, but not enough to wither under the harsh truths of (white-lie-free) social interactions. Likewise, we’ve evolved to detect some cheating behaviours in friends, but not enough to prohibit our ability to be friends with people at all. As the seesaw wobbles, so do our friendships.

Should this sound like a complicated business to you, Trivers agrees, and in fact speculates that the development of this system for regulating altruism among non-kin members is what made our brains grow so big in the Pleistocene. Many neuroscientists agree with his conclusion: humans are smart so that we can navigate friendship.

The psychologist Jan Yager, author of When Friendship Hurts (2002), found that 68 per cent of survey respondents had been betrayed by a friend. Who are these betrayers? At such high numbers, could ‘they’ be us?

We somehow expect friendships to be forever. Friendship break-ups challenge our vision of who we are

That scary thought leads me to ask: are we really striving to forgive small sins? To air our grievances before they accumulate and blow up our friendships? To make the effort to get together? To give others the benefit of the doubt? Are we giving what we can, or keeping score? Are we unfairly expecting friends to think and believe the exact same things we do? Are we really doing the best we can? Well, maybe that’s what most of our friends think they are doing, too. And if they aren’t being a good friend, or if they have drifted away from us, or we from them, maybe we can accept these common rifts, without giving into a guilt so overwhelming that it pushes us to slap a label on those we no longer want for friends: toxic.

When a friend breaks up with us, or disappears without explanation, it can be devastating. Even though the churning and pruning of social networks is common over time, we still somehow expect friendships to be forever. Friendship break-ups challenge our vision of who we are, especially if we’ve been intertwined with a friend for many years. Pulsing with hurt in the wake of a friend break-up, we hurl him or her into the ‘bad friends’ basket.

But, sometimes, we have to drop a friend to become ourselves. In Connecting in College (2016), the sociologist Janice McCabe argues that ending friendships in young adulthood is a way of advancing our identities. We construct our self-images and personalities against our friends, in both positive and negative ways.

As much as we need to take responsibility for being better friends and for our part in relationship conflict and break-ups, quite a few factors surrounding friendship are out of our control. Social network embeddedness, where you and another person have many friends in common, for instance, is a big challenge. Let’s say someone crosses a line, but you don’t want to disturb the group, so you don’t declare that you no longer think of him as a friend. You pull back from him, but not so much that it will spark a direct confrontation, whereby people would then be forced to invite only one of you, but not both, to events. Sometimes we are yoked to bad friends.

The forces that dictate whom we stay close to and whom we let go can be mysterious even to ourselves. Aren’t there people you like very much whom you haven’t contacted in a long time? And others you don’t connect with as well whom you see more often? The former group might be pencilling you into their ‘bad friend’ column right now.

Dealing with bad friends, getting dumped by them, and feeling disappointed with them is a stressful part of life, and it can harm your body and mind. Yet having no friends at all is a far worse fate. Imagine a child’s desperation for a playmate, a teenager’s deep longing for someone who ‘gets’ her, or an adult’s realisation that there is no one with whom he can share a failure or even a success. Loneliness is as painful as extreme thirst or hunger. John Cacioppo, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, has found associations between loneliness and depression, obesity, alcoholism, cardiovascular problems, sleep dysfunction, high blood pressure, the progression of Alzheimer’s disease, cynical world views and suicidal thoughts. But if you have friend problems, you have friends – and that means you’re pretty lucky.

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Toxic Friendships: Signs and Coping Strategies

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Published: Aug 31, 2023

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‘He drives me mad!’ Why don’t we dump toxic friends?

According to psychologists, ‘ambivalent’ relationships can cause us more stress than being with people we actively dislike. Is it time to let go – or can these friendships be salvaged?

R oger and Jim have been friends for more than 30 years. When they were younger they were in a band together, and their friendship was forged over a shared love of music and beer. Even now, despite family commitments on both sides, they manage to catch up every couple of months. “Even though he drives me mad,” says Roger.

It is Jim who leaps to Roger’s mind at the mention of toxic friendships. Every time they meet, Roger says, they “tend to have the same conversation”, because Jim never listens to what he says.

Roger, now in his 50s, from the West Midlands, has never told Jim how he feels. “I believe it’s passed the point of politeness now. I’d expect a reply of: ‘Why didn’t you tell me years ago that I’ve been getting on your nerves?’”

Plus, Roger adds, Jim is one of only a few old friends: “It’s hard to think we would not see each other because of a few annoyances.”

A toxic friend may seem oxymoronic: unlike families or colleagues, where we might be obliged to maintain ties, most friendships we opt into. Yet nearly everyone has someone in their social network that they have mixed feelings about, says Julianne Holt-Lunstad , a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. “The distinction seems to be that there are some people who just have more than others,” she says.

Holt-Lunstad began researching these “ambivalent relationships” in order to understand their impact on our health. There was already strong evidence that positive relationships have protective benefits, and that negative ones can be detrimental, “so we started thinking about those relationships that are a mix of both”.

She found study participants’ interactions with these ambivalent friends was associated with increased stress and cardiovascular reactivity. Just the thought of them was enough to elevate heart rate and blood pressure. Surprisingly, blood pressure was also found to rise more in the presence of ambivalent friends than with people the subjects actively disliked.

“It’s the mix of positivity and negativity,” says Holt-Lunstad. “You may not know what you’re going to get from them, or it may be, because you care about that person, that when things are negative it hurts that much more.”

These are the people whom Bridget Jones likened to jellyfish, whose stinging remarks you don’t see coming but stay with you for days after.

Sophie, a twentysomething Londoner, remembers one such school friend: “I would feel so drained and awful after we hung out, and it took me a really long time to put my finger on why. She would subtweet about me after we met up, saying how much she hated red lipstick during the day, for example, if I’d been wearing it earlier.”

On those occasions that the friend was outright mean or rude, Sophie would call her out, “and she would then say I was too sensitive”.

Sam Owen , a relationships coach and the author of Happy Relationships , says backhanded compliments can be a hallmark of a toxic friend. So can nonverbal communication that seems at odds with their words, suggesting a breakdown in trust.

“The sensations you feel within your body will signpost you towards or away from the people in your life,” says Owen. If you frequently feel tense or demoralised in their presence, for instance, that may be a tip-off “that they are not truly on your team”.

The question is: why might we continue to invest in friendships that we have mixed feelings about, or that may even actively make us feel bad?

We can only maintain a total of 150 friendships, says Dr Robin Dunbar, a professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford, but we do not invest time or emotional closeness across them equally. In fact, his research has shown that about 60% of our total social effort goes to just 15 people, with 40% devoted to the five most important.

There is “constant turnover” in those groups over your life, says Dunbar; movement towards and away from that inner circle is simply a question of time spent bonding. “It’s a series of stages where you stop and evaluate at each one, and decide whether to go on or not.”

It means that people are less likely to actively sever ties with their frenemy than they are to make themselves more distant or unavailable. Sophie and her friend eventually drifted apart, at Sophie’s instigation. “I haven’t seen her for years. She occasionally sends me replies on Instagram – I always ignore them.”

Other people might choose to restrict the frequency with which they see their friend – or the context.

In setting out to answer why people maintain such ties at all, Holt-Lunstad had expected that the driving factors would be external; for example, you lived near each other or you had a lot of mutual friends. In fact, she was surprised to learn, they were mostly internal. A common justification was the sense of a sunk cost, says Holt-Lunstad: “They’d already invested a lot in the relationship.”

For many people, it may go back to school days. Dunbar says a few close friendships forged between ages 15 and 25 do tend to be more resilient through the passing of time, because of the intensity of bonding at that age. There is a cultural tie, too: “You know you have this long, deep history of co-living and sharing experiences together; you feel this sense of obligation out of respect to that old relationship, even if you have drifted apart.”

Holt-Lunstad’s research found that many participants saw turning the other cheek at their friend’s rudeness or bad behaviour – a sense of being the bigger person – as the right thing to do. How this reflected on them was also a factor, she says: “They didn’t want to be the type of person who couldn’t maintain a friendship.”

Often, too, the good times really did outweigh the bad. “They would stick around because of these other really good aspects about that person.” This is a reminder of the real feeling, and sometimes real pain, at the centre of these uneasy ties.

A “toxic friendship” typically indicates that a function or expectation of the relationship has been challenged, says the clinical psychologist Dr Miriam Kirmayer ; for example, there has been a betrayal of trust or the investment is imbalanced. But can it be salvaged?

“The heart of this is self-reflection, so: ‘Do I have a sense of what is bothering me here?’” says Kirmayer. Especially strong emotions may indicate that one of our core values (for example, punctuality) has been violated, but we often may not have communicated that clearly to our friends. “Sharing the reason why this is challenging: people are often very receptive to that, and it can be a way to find common ground.”

If that doesn’t bring about the desired change, Kirmayer suggests shifting our expectations to focus on the positive contributions that our friends do make to our lives. That may require setting boundaries – for example, avoiding certain topics or activities that you know to be problematic – whether you choose to articulate them or not. “That tends to be a really helpful way to go about managing conflict because we aren’t giving up on the parts of the relationship that are working.”

Kirmayer goes on: “I also find it’s very easy to recognise somebody else’s behaviour and what they have done that we see as upsetting or wrong, and it is much more difficult, obviously, to look inward. That’s not to say that I encourage people to blame themselves, but to see all relationships, including friendships, as a dynamic – our friends are responding to us in some way.”

This speaks to a question that arose from Holt-Lunstad’s research, which she says warrants further inquiry: are those people who identify as having ambivalent friends realistic about relationships, or are they “expecting all benefits, and few costs”?

Holt-Lunstad says her work has caused her to reflect on her own relationships. “I don’t want to be the source of ambivalence for someone else. It’s caused me to reflect on ‘What kind of friend am I? Am I supportive, am I reliable?’ We can’t change other people, but we can change ourselves. The first step is always looking inward.”

Roger’s friendship with Jim is, after all, ongoing – for all his ambivalence. “I am self-aware enough to appreciate that I do things that drive him mad, too,” he says. “But maybe I do them on purpose now.”

Names of case studies have been changed

• Mental health
• Relationships

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Navigating Toxic Friendships: 12 Signs, Impacts, and Strategies for Coping

Friendships are essential for our well-being and happiness, but they can also be causes of stress and negativity. Toxic friendships, in particular, can have severe impacts on our mental health and overall well-being. 

Navigating toxic friendships can be challenging, especially when you’ve spent a lot of time and energy in the relationship. However, it’s crucial to identify the signs of a toxic friendship and understand its impacts to take the necessary actions to cope with it. 

This article will explore 12 signs of a toxic friendship and discuss its impacts on mental health and well-being. We’ll also provide you with practical strategies for coping with toxic friendships and maintaining healthy relationships with those around you. So, let’s dive in!

What are the signs of a toxic friendship?

It seems like you confided in a friend, but now it seems like everyone knows what you shared. It’s natural to make mistakes and accidentally let something slip, but when someone repeatedly shares your secrets, it can be a sign of a toxic friendship. This behavior shows a lack of concern for your feelings and can be damaging to the relationship.

• 2. Make You Feel Nervous

When someone’s behavior is unpredictable, it does not always mean they are toxic. However, if their actions have the potential to cause harm or feel abusive, it’s best to be cautious. 

For instance, if they tend to get extremely angry over trivial matters like leaving the TV on or not returning a borrowed jacket, and then act as if nothing happened the next minute, it can make you feel uncomfortable around them. In such cases, it’s important to be aware of their actions and take necessary precautions to protect yourself.

• 3. They Tend to Compare You to Other People

Do you have a friend who always compares you to their other friends? The size of your apartment or how you dress makes them feel like hanging out with you is less fun. 

However, every person has unique traits and differences, and a true friend will be able to appreciate this. They won’t compare you to others or make you feel inferior to someone else. In addition, they won’t pressure you into doing something you don’t want.

• 4. They Try to Change You

It’s important to have friends who accept you for who you are. It’s important to consider whether someone attempting to alter aspects of your personality or behavior is a good friend. A genuine friend will offer assistance and motivation if you seek their advice on changes you wish to make.

For instance, if you struggle in social settings, a good friend might invite you to their game night to introduce you to some new people in a relaxed environment.

• 5. They Put You Down

It’s not uncommon for friends to tease each other playfully, and this kind of behavior is usually harmless, as long as both parties are having a good time. However, if a friend consistently puts you down and makes you feel terrible, whether through subtle negging or outright insults, then it’s likely that your friendship is not a positive or healthy one.

• 6. Fake Apology

When you confront them about their conduct, they dismiss your concerns with a casual “sorry” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” without genuinely reflecting on your viewpoint. 

Moreover, they may even defend themselves with a “but” clause after apologizing, as in “I’m sorry I offended you, but it was only a joke.” These types of non-apologies imply that the person is indifferent to how their actions impact her.

• 7. They Leave you Unsettled

Spending time with a close friend should typically bring about positive feelings. However, you might experience uneasiness or discomfort when spending time with a specific friend without being able to pinpoint the reason. 

If you find yourself feeling relieved instead of disappointed after spending time with them and don’t look forward to seeing them again, it’s worth examining your friendship for other signs that something isn’t quite right.

• 8. They always value themselves more than you

Have you ever come across a friend who seems to be there for you only in good times? They appear out of nowhere when everything is going smoothly or when they require something from you, but when you’re going through tough times, they’re nowhere to be found. 

Additionally, some friends may ramble for an extended period about their problems. After they’ve finished, they may ask how you’re doing before rapidly changing the subject back to themselves.

• 9. They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries

In order to maintain healthy relationships, it’s important to establish and respect boundaries with your friends. If someone consistently disregards the boundaries you set, it could be a sign of toxicity. 

Keep in mind that a lack of boundaries can also be a characteristic of codependent friendships, where individuals become too intertwined and lack independence. If boundaries are not properly maintained, the bond between friends can become uncomfortably intense and unhealthy. Remember to prioritize your well-being by setting and enforcing clear boundaries in your friendships.

• 10. They Always Blame You

Individuals who exhibit toxic behavior often struggle with accepting responsibility for their actions and acknowledging their mistakes. As a result, they may resort to blaming others, including their partners, for any shortcomings or issues within the relationship. It’s important to recognize and address these patterns healthily and constructively.

In any healthy relationship, trust plays a vital role. If you have doubts about your friend’s trustworthiness, it’s likely because you sense something toxic in your friendship. Loyalty is a significant factor, and it’s a sign of toxicity if you can’t rely on your friend for support or confidentiality. Recognizing these warning signs and avoiding toxic friendships is essential to maintain healthy relationships.

• 12. They Never Seem Happy for You

A true friend will always be happy with your accomplishments and celebrate those wins with you. However, with fake friends, there is often a hidden feeling of jealousy that they try to suppress, as they do not want you to outshine them. 

In some cases, a toxic friend may even deliberately sabotage your success due to this sense of competition and envy. They may continuously try to bring you down or discourage you from doing things that are beneficial for your growth.

• What are the Effects of Toxic Friendships?

When we surround ourselves with toxic friends, it can take a toll on our well-being, and unfortunately, the impact is often negative. If we spend time with individuals who disregard our emotions, it can eventually have an adverse effect on our emotional and physical health.

• You might feel neglected and ignored if you are in a toxic friendship. Despite your efforts to plan outings together, you are often excluded from group activities, and your messages are left unanswered.
• If you find yourself dwelling on negative interactions, it can be challenging to shake off those unpleasant feelings, even when you’re not around the person. This can leave you feeling tense, irritable, and not your best self. 
• You may not experience the support and empathy that you need. You might feel unimportant when your concerns are dismissed or completely disregarded when your attempts to reach out for assistance are ignored.
• If someone consistently belittles and mistreats you, you may unknowingly become accustomed to this conduct and lower your expectations.
• If someone lashes out at you, it’s natural to question your actions and assume you deserve it. You may also feel they don’t support you because you ask for help too frequently.
• It’s common for them to use manipulation tactics to achieve their goals. This behavior can leave you feeling uneasy but unable to pinpoint the exact issue. Their extreme reactions can also throw you off balance, whether it’s through laughter or yelling.
• If you begin to doubt yourself, you may feel like you’re not being a good friend to yourself. And even if you don’t start doubting, trusting others might become challenging. You might question if everyone perceives you as inadequate, uninteresting, or unhelpful, which might lead you to avoid socializing.

How Do You Get Over a Toxic Friendship?

• 1. Concentrate on Cultivating Healthy Relationships

Being stuck in a harmful friendship can cause you to feel ashamed, uncertain, or suspicious of others. If you’ve cut yourself off from other companions, you may struggle to reconnect with them.

However, you likely have some dependable friends willing to assist. Reaching out to them and sharing your circumstances can assist you in reestablishing those healthy friendships, which can contribute to your recovery.

• 2. Don’t Wait For an Apology

Toxic people often do not take responsibility for their actions. Even if they realize they have hurt you, they may not be willing to apologize or change their behavior. This can leave you feeling frustrated and powerless.

Waiting for an apology can keep you stuck in a negative cycle. You may find yourself replaying the hurtful words or actions repeatedly, which can lead to resentment and anger. It can also prevent you from moving on and finding more positive relationships.

• 3. Keep Moving Forward

It is important to remember that a toxic friendship is not healthy for you, and it is better to move forward. It can be helpful to practice self-care in order to heal from the hurt and pain of the situation. 

Take time for yourself and do special activities you enjoy, such as taking a walk, reading a book, or watching your favorite movie. Surround yourself with people and friends who make you feel supported and loved. Consider confiding in your closest friends or family members whom you trust. Share your experience with them and seek their support as you continue to move forward.

Lastly, don’t forget to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be in the situation in the first place. This will help you learn from the experience and have a more positive view of life going forward.

• 4. Have Less Contact

If you find yourself constantly wishing your friend would treat you better, it may be worth taking a break from the friendship for a while. This can give you the opportunity to sort through your feelings and gain clarity on what to do next. 

Additionally, taking time apart can allow you to see how your life looks without those people. If you notice significant improvement and feel better without the worry of seeing them, it may be a sign that ending the friendship is the best option.

• 5. Write a Letter

Writing a letter can be a helpful way to process your feelings and emotions when ending a toxic friendship. It is okay to feel hurt, angry, or sad about the end of the friendship. Write down your emotions and let yourself feel them.

Be honest about the reasons for ending the friendship. Explain why the relationship has become toxic and how it has affected you. Be clear and specific about the behaviors or actions that have hurt you.

Consider whether or not you want to send the letter. Depending on the situation, you may send the letter or keep it for yourself as a way of processing your emotions. Either way, writing the letter can be a helpful step in moving on from toxic friendships.

• 6. It’s Still Okay to Step by Your Own 

If you have identified that a friendship has become toxic, it is okay to step away. This may mean reducing contact or ending the friendship altogether. It can be difficult, but remember that you deserve to be in relationships that are healthy and uplifting.

Stepping away from a toxic friendship may also involve setting boundaries for yourself. This could include limiting contact with the friend, avoiding certain topics of conversation, or being clear about what behaviors are not acceptable to you. It can be helpful to communicate these boundaries respectfully and firmly.

• 7. Avoid Dwelling In Bitterness

When a friendship becomes toxic, it is natural to feel hurt, angry, or resentful toward the other person. However, dwelling in bitterness can ultimately be harmful to your own well-being. To avoid dwelling in bitterness in a toxic friendship, practice forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is not equivalent to overlooking or justifying the other person’s conduct. Rather, it’s about freeing yourself from the negative emotions like anger and bitterness that are hindering your progress. Forgiveness is a process, and it may take time to work through your emotions.

• 8. Gather The Help of Other Friends

Getting over toxic friendships can be a difficult and emotional process, but reaching out to other friends for support can be helpful.

When seeking support from other friends, it is important to choose people who are supportive and uplifting. These may be friends who have been through similar experiences, or who simply have your best interests at heart.

Let your friends know what you are going through and what kind of support you need. This may involve venting your feelings, asking for advice, or simply spending time with someone who makes you feel good.

• 9. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Sad

Losing a close friend can be a challenging and emotional experience. It is crucial to acknowledge and accept your feelings of sorrow and grief. You should give yourself enough time to process your emotions and cope with the reality of the situation. Remember that it is common to feel upset after losing a friend, and you are not alone.

• 10. Keep Your Last Convo Brief

You may want to avoid any potential hurt feelings or awkwardness, so the best approach is often to keep your last conversation brief. It’s crucial to communicate to your friend that you cherish the quality time you’ve spent together and acknowledge their friendship, but it’s time for both of you to part ways. It can help to remind them of all the good times you shared and how much you learned from each other. 

Make sure your tone is respectful and understanding so that your friend feels heard and respected as well. Ending a friendship doesn’t have to be an ugly process; use this opportunity to reflect on all the positive moments you shared and wish them well in their future endeavors.

• How to End A Friendship : 6 Best Ways without Hurting Their Feelings
• What Is A Platonic Friendship | The Benefits & Drawbacks of having it
• Bottom Lines

Toxic friendships are relationships that are harmful and unhealthy for you. Toxic friendships come in many forms and can cause feelings of embarrassment and shame. They may have taken a toll on you, your body, and your mental health.

It’s important to define toxic friendships for yourself because there are various ways in which toxic friendships can be harmful to you. Toxic friendships can include unhealthy interactions, emotional abuse, and social isolation.

Once you have identified the friendship as toxic, taking time for yourself and distancing yourself from the other person is important. This can be difficult if you have been friends for a long time, but it will help you process your emotions and heal.

Luna Miller

I’m Luna Miller, a helpful employee at Loveable. I excel at giving great advice on birthday gifts. I love suggesting memorable experiences like concerts, spas, and getaways. As a reliable and supportive colleague, I’m always there to assist.

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Toxic Friendships

How to stop the pain of a toxic friendship..

Posted July 26, 2018

A friendship that started with delight, good will, confidences and closeness changes – maybe slowly and quietly, maybe tumultuously – and is beginning to feel toxic. And you find yourself wondering whether there’s anything to be done but walk away.

Most of us have faced such a crossroads in a friendship.

“It happened to me many years ago,” my friend Linda confided recently. “I was in my first job as a magazine editor and my best friend at the time was a young actress. We were quite different in many ways, but we cared deeply about each other. We confided everything, talking far into the night. We laughed a lot and had so much fun together. We offered each other support and solace in crises and celebrated each other’s successes. When she won a starring role in a hit television series, I was ecstatic for her.”

The change in their relationship dynamics came gradually. As her bank account grew and she bought a lovely home, her friend began to make caustic comments about Linda's tiny studio apartment and modest finances. Linda was hurt but said nothing.

“It didn’t occur to me to be jealous ,” Linda said. “I loved my job and where I was living. And I was so happy for my friend. But, more and more, she treated me as a lesser than. She started calling me at work, asking me to run errands for her during my lunch hour – even when she was on hiatus from filming. The fatal blow to our friendship came when she offered me the opportunity to quit the job I loved to become her live-in personal assistant. She was stunned when I declined. She called me an ungrateful idiot. And I walked away. We became strangers to each other, moving on with our very separate and different lives. I miss the closeness we once shared, but not the toxicity of that last year.”

How do you know when you’re in a toxic friendship?

The signs, at least initially, can be subtle. But if you’re beginning to feel diminished, depleted, used, criticized and worse when you’re with this person, it’s time to take a new look at the friendship.

Has the balance in your relationship tipped? Has your friend stopped valuing your feelings, your time and your choices as much as her own?

Are you feeling battered with blame, criticism, or barbed humor ?

Is your friend lacking any interest or empathy for your problems and concerns? Has it become all about him or her – every day, all day? Do you feel trapped in her own personal psychodrama with no emotional breathing room?

Is he or she trying to distance you from other friends or from family members?

Has there been a shift in relationship dynamics – with your friend going from being supportive to putting you down or picking at you about your faults and short-comings?

Has she spread your secrets far and wide?

Has he or she tried to sabotage you at work or in your self-improvement efforts with belittling comments?

Do you feel torn between your loyalty to a friend and your need to decrease the stress that this relationship has brought to your life?

The answer isn’t always to simply walk away.

Look closely at what’s going on individually and between you. Is it possible that your friend’s self-absorption and seeming lack of reciprocal interest in your life is due to a life-changing crisis? Is he or she experiencing a painful loss? There’s a big difference between this friend and one who is perpetually self-absorbed. Good friends may need to talk or cry or otherwise spend much of their energy dealing with the crisis at hand, but most still usually have ongoing interest in and empathy for those close to them. If there has been a power shift between you – and your friend seems to be seeing you as lesser than, it’s time to take a look at ways you may be enabling this behavior and start to set limits.

Change your own behavior and see what happens. What might happen if you tell your friend how you feel about the changes in your relationship? How would it be if you said “No” to unreasonable requests? Or if you expressed a desire for more equality in the relationship? Or called him or her to task when the blame, criticism or belittling started once again? His or her reaction to your feelings and desire for major changes in your relationship may be a clue to what you need to do next.

If you don’t want to end the friendship, limit it. So maybe your friend is impervious to change or doesn't think there's a problem. How much stress are you willing to tolerate? What might make this friendship worth keeping? What makes it manageable for you? Maybe a long-time friend is fine long-distance or online, but increasingly hard to take in person. Maybe the friendship is viable with less time spent together. “I have a friend from college, someone I know well and care about, who puts me down when we talk on the phone,” Betty, a former client, once told me. “But she’s fine in emails. We live 1,000 miles apart so it’s easy to limit our exposure to each other. We have a long and rich history together. I’d rather not end the relationship totally, but that’s possible only by limiting my interactions with her.”

If change isn’t possible, let go. There are times when you need to end a toxic relationship for your own health, well-being and peace of mind. Ending a once cherished friendship can be painful. But it doesn’t have to be acrimonious. Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. You can wish a friend well. You can express gratitude for what you have shared. You can celebrate what you have learned and how you have grown during your time with this friend. You can choose to see this parting not as a failure but as a positive step in a new direction. Walking away from the pain and stress of a toxic friendship may be one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

Kathy McCoy, Ph.D. is psychotherapist, journalist, and speaker and the author of books including We Don't Talk Anymore: Healing After Parents and Their Adult Children Become Estranged.

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