essay on why you love someone

How to Explain Why You Love Someone

Aubrey Freitas is a former Registered Behavioral Therapist (RBT) who has two Bachelor of Arts degrees from UCLA in Psychology and English. She is a Certified Resilience Peer through her work with the Depression Grand Challenge, and a lifelong mental health advocate.

Learn about our Editorial Policy .

Explaining to someone why you love them can be difficult; especially since love is such a nuanced and abstract concept that is nearly impossible to fully understand, let alone put into words. Scientists, poets, philosophers, songwriters, and novelists have all tried to capture the right words to describe love, yet the meaning is always evolving and love means something different to everyone. Love is an emotion that is uniquely human, and whether you're telling someone you love them for the first time or for what feels like the millionth time, you may want to explain to them exactly why you do.

At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong way to explain why you love someone , but there are some concepts to think about that may help you come up with your reasons.

• 60+ Ways to Tell Someone You Love Them Over Text
• What to Say When You Want to Break Up: Classy & Kind Options
• What to Do When Someone Tells You They Like You: Navigating Matters of the Heart

They Know How to Love You

People give and receive love differently. One reason why you may love your partner is that they know how to love you in a way that makes you feel truly understood and validated. Some ways to express this are:

• You're constantly validating my feelings, which makes me feel loved.
• You always make space in your week to do something special for just the two of us .
• Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed with work, you always offer to help with the dishes, which shows me you care.

They Understand Your Needs

When someone understands your needs, you feel validated. For years, research from the National Library of Medicine has found that feeling understood helps improve social connections. The person you love may understand what you need emotionally, whether that be a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to joke around with. Some ways of saying this are:

• You understand that alone time is important to me, and you allow me to have space for myself when I need it.
• I'm a sensitive person, and you take the time to comfort me and don't judge me for my feelings.
• I like to spend time with my friends during the week, too, and you never get upset about me making plans with them.

They Help You Express Vulnerability

Many people describe their closest friends and partners as someone they can be authentically themselves around, and, according to Dr. Brene Brown, being vulnerable helps create meaningful connections. Exposing your true self to another person, and having them embrace who you are can feel amazing, especially since not many people may get to see that side of you. Ways to share these thoughts on love are:

• I feel like I can always be myself around you, which isn't something I experience easily, or with most people.
• You make me feel like I can talk to you about anything, and it won't make things weird and you won't judge me for it.
• You're the first person I've shared all of my secrets with because I didn't feel afraid to tell you them.

They Make You Feel Safe

Your loved one may bring a sense of safety into your life, whether that be physically, emotionally, or both. Feeling a sense of security helps with building trust and intimacy in a relationship, according to the National Library of Medicine. Some phrases you may resonate with:

• Whenever I'm with you, I know that I am in a safe space.
• I feel like all of my anxiety and worries turn off when we are together.
• It feels like nothing bad can happen when we are together because we have each other.

They Share Your Values

Having shared values with a loved one not only shows that your minds and hearts are on the same wavelength, but it can create another layer of security. Your shared values may also show that you have the same goals for the future. It can be wonderful to meet someone who has the same interests as you do, especially if you never thought you would find a person to share certain aspects of your life with. This can be expressed as:

• It feels amazing to know someone that has the same interests as I do, and that we both find value in doing the same kinds of things.
• I never thought I would find someone that cares about the exact same things as I do.
• Knowing that we care about the same things makes me feel validated and comforted.

They Help You See Yourself

Receiving love and validation from the person you care about can help you understand that you are deserving of those things. Having a supportive partner can have a positive effect on your well-being . Your loved one may be able to reflect your qualities back towards you, and help you see yourself through their eyes. Some ways to express this are:

• You make me feel like I am worthy of love and support.
• You've helped me realize my strengths and good qualities, which I struggled to see/appreciate before.
• I feel validated when you help me recognize the good in myself.

They Make You Feel Good

Your loved one may make you feel accepted, powerful, capable, and happy. They may push you to lengths beyond your comfort zone, challenge you in more ways than one, or make you want to be the best person you can be. When someone makes you feel good, it's natural to appreciate them and want to be around them often. Some words to use are:

• You make me feel like I can be the person I've always wanted to be.
• You inspire me to get out of my own way and push myself into exploring things I only dreamed about.
• You make me feel like I am taking steps every day towards being a better person.

They Help You Feel Connected

Feeling connected to each other is important in any relationship, and the person you love may be your best friend or feel like someone you have known for your entire life. Feeling socially supported is linked to having increased mental and physical health, which means that feeling connected to your partner is beneficial in numerous ways. Sometimes, people just click and seem to fit together in a way that is nearly perfect. Ways to describe this are:

• You make me feel like I have found somebody that I want to stay connected to forever.
• I feel like you really know me, and that I really know you, in ways that I haven't experienced before.
• I feel like I have known you forever, and that we really get each other.

They Have Amazing Qualities

There is most likely a mountain of things that you like about your partner. Of course, you think they're attractive in all the right ways, and you may love the way a dimple pops up when they laugh, or that they prefer to make homemade lemonade. You may even love their morning breath, simply because it's theirs. People are a sum of many different parts, and some ways to explain this are:

• You're the greatest person I've ever met for every reason, in every way.
• You are a kind, smart, and loving person, and it feels amazing to be around you.
• There are so many things about you that are unique, and I want to keep learning more.

Finding the Right Words May Take Time

Know that it's okay if you don't have the words to explain why you love someone . Talk to the person you love about it and explain that it's difficult for you to put the concept and your internal feelings into words . If it's important to them that they know your explanation, tell them that you need more time, and ensure them that you will return to the conversation again in the future.

Professing Your Love

You may know that you are in love with someone, but it can be a daunting task to explain why you love them . Love is intangible and varies widely from person to person and relationship to relationship, which can make it a hard thing to pin down into a simple explanation. Thinking about what love means to you, and how the person you love relates to that concept, may help you better understand the love in your relationship, and may even help you find the words to explain it. For a look at the other side, get tips on what to say when someone says I love you .

1000-Word Philosophy: An Introductory Anthology

Philosophy, One Thousand Words at a Time

What Is It To Love Someone?

Author: Felipe Pereira Category: Philosophy of Sex and Gender , Ethics Word Count: 1,000

Listen here

We love our friends, our family, and our romantic partners. We love them in very different ways, though, so we might wonder what, if anything, makes all of them cases of the same thing, namely, love. What is it to love someone? [1]

1. Desiring to care for and to be with someone

A natural thing to say is that to love someone is to desire to care for and to be with them. [2]

However, desiring to care for and to be with someone doesn’t seem necessary for loving them. It’s possible to love a cranky grandfather or a smothering parent, even if you don’t want to be in their company, caring for them. [3]

Desiring to care for and to be with someone doesn’t seem sufficient for loving them either. Suppose you witness someone getting injured in an accident. You might develop the desire to care for, and to be with, the injured stranger out of benevolence or moral duty. But this doesn’t mean you love the stranger. [4]

2. Taking someone’s well-being as your own

Another idea is that to love someone is just to take their well-being as a part or an extension of your own well-being. [5] On this view, loving someone involves finding no distinction between what is in your interest and what is in theirs—finding that to benefit them just is to benefit you, and to harm them just is to harm you.

An advantage of this account is that it helps us make sense of how we tend to speak about our loved ones. We often hear people say things like, “If you’re messing with someone I love, you’re messing with me!” and “When my beloved died, I lost a part of myself.”

Yet, it’s reasonable to wonder whether this account is taking literally what people mean to say metaphorically. [6] Also, this view seems to eliminate the possibility of genuine self-sacrifice for our loved ones. How could we make sacrifices for our loved ones, if promoting their interests is just another way of promoting our own ? [7]

3. Being disposed to be affected by someone

A weaker, and perhaps more plausible, version of this idea is that to love someone is just to be disposed to be affected by changes in their well-being. [8] On this view, the well-being of a loved one is distinct from, but can causally impact, your own: e.g., if you were to witness your loved one suffering, that would cause you to suffer.

However, most of us would feel bad if we were to witness complete strangers suffering, and we don’t love complete strangers. One might argue, in reply, that although we’d feel bad watching a stranger suffering, we wouldn’t feel bad enough for that to count as “love.” But this reply raises the question of how much suffering would be enough for love. Is there a good answer to this question? Perhaps not.

4. Valuing someone

Another proposal is that to love someone is just to value them a great deal.

But how so? Your boss might value you a great deal as an employee; this wouldn’t mean they love you. So, if this account is going to get off the ground, it has to tell us more about what makes love a distinct way of valuing someone.

4.1. Valuing someone for (certain) qualities

One might say that loving someone involves valuing them for displaying qualities from a more narrow list—a list that doesn’t include qualities like “being a great employee,” but that does include qualities like “being charming,” “being witty,” “being brave,” and so on. [9]

Yet, this view has counterintuitive implications. It implies, e.g., that if you were to somehow come across a perfect clone of one of your loved ones, except slightly more charming, witty, and brave, then you would have a reason to switch your love to the clone. But this might be too fickle; it seems incompatible with the deep personal commitment we have with our loved ones. [10]

4.2. Valuing someone as a person

Some believe that every person deserves to be loved simply because they’re a person. On this view, to love someone is to fully appreciate the value of their personhood. [11] We should love everyone. We don’t do that because we’re psychologically limited: we can only appreciate so many people.

However, claiming to love someone “because they’re a person” sounds strained at best. [12] Moreover, this proposal seems to conflate love with respect—we don’t have to love someone to appreciate their worth as a person; respecting them would suffice. [13]

4.3. Valuing someone for being related to you

Another proposal is that loving someone involves valuing them for being related to you in some special way—for being, e.g., your mother, daughter, sister, friend, partner, etc. [14]

But, if loving someone amounts to valuing them because they’re related to you in a special way, then it should be impossible to love someone who isn’t related to you in any special way. [15] And yet, it does seem possible to love someone—someone who isn’t (and doesn’t want to be) your friend, relative, or romantic partner—unrequitedly. [16]

4.4. Valuing someone by bestowing value onto them

Finally, one might argue that we don’t value our loved ones because we recognize some way in which they are valuable prior to our love for them. Rather, we value them because our love makes them valuable to us. In other words, the suggestion is that to love someone is just to bestow or project value onto them. [17]

But, if our loved ones have value for us because we love them, then we can’t appeal to someone’s value to justify loving them. This means that the question, “Why am I worthy of love?” has no answer—some are uncomfortable with this implication. [18] Nor can we appeal to the fact that someone’s a genocidal maniac as a justification for not loving them—and this seems obviously false. [19]

5. Conclusion

If none of these views are satisfactory, that might be a reason to reject the assumption that there is something which all cases of love have in common. Perhaps love is undefinable. [20] Lots of things are hard (or impossible) to define, and that doesn’t mean they aren’t real or important. So we’ll continue to love, even if we don’t know exactly what we are doing or how to define it. [21]

[1] It is important to note two things about this essay. First, this essay is concerned with what it is to love someone , i.e., what it is to love a particular person . It may be interesting, however, to think about whether there is anything in common between the way we love people and the way we love things other than persons (e.g., sports teams, mementos, etc.).

Second, this essay is not concerned with whether love is a biological phenomenon, a socially constructed phenomenon, or some sort of mixture of both. For readers interested in that question, see Jenkins (2017).

[2] Several contemporary philosophers subscribe to some version of this view. E.g., Gabriele Taylor writes, “ if x loves y then x wants to benefit and be with y” (1976: 157). Alan Soble argues that “a common feature” of cases where some person x loves some other person y is that “x desires for y that which is good for y, x desires this for y’s own sake, and x pursues y’s good for y’s benefit and not for x’s” (1997: 67). Harry Frankfurt also defends the claim that, “loving something … is not merely a matter of liking it a great deal or of finding it deeply satisfying” but is rather a species of “disinterested concern for the well-being or flourishing of a beloved object.” (1998, chs. 11 and 14).

[3] Velleman (1999: 353). See also Matthes (2016) for a fascinating discussion about loving people in spite of their character defects.

[4] Helm (2009). It may be interesting to think about whether it is possible to avoid this objection by specifying the way in which one desires to care for and be with loved ones. A promising suggestion along these lines comes from Sophie Grace Chappell, who argues that love is distinct from impartial forms of benevolence because, unlike mere benevolence, love entails the desire to make a first-personal contribution to a person’s well-being. “Loving someone,” she writes, “means wanting to be constitutively involved in his well-being: it means wanting to be, myself, part of what makes life go well for him. … To straightforward benevolence towards X, it cannot matter whether it is me who brings about X’s well-being. The concern is merely that someone should. To love, by contrast, it typically does matter that it should be me” (2014: 86; her italics).

[5] Robert Solomon writes, “It is often said that to love is to give in to another person’s needs, indeed, to make them more important than one’s own. But to love is rather to take the other’s desires and needs as one’s own. This is much more than a merely grammatical point. It is a redefinition of the self itself, as a shared self” (1981: 150; his italics). Along similar lines, Roger Scruton argues that two people love each other “just so soon as reciprocity becomes community: that is, just so soon as all distinction between my interests and your interests is overcome” (2006: 230).

Many major figures in the history of philosophy have, at one point or another, suggested that to love someone is just to foster (or to desire to foster) a significant kind of union with them. One way of cashing out this “significant kind of union” is in terms of treating one’s well-being and the well-being of the loved one as two parts of the same whole, of a single unity. It is important to note, however, that philosophers have cashed out this “significant kind of union” in a variety of other ways. See, e.g, Plato’s Aristophanes ( Symposium : 189c-193e), Aristotle ( Nicomachean Ethics : IX, 9, 1170b1), Augustine ( Confessions : IV, 6), and Montaigne ( Essays : I, 28). Contemporary proponents of the union account of love include: Nozick (1989, ch. 8), Solomon (1981) and (1994), Delaney (1996), Baxter (2005), Scruton (2006, ch. 8), Westlund (2008), and Gilbert (2013, ch. 11).

[6] Several philosophers have noted that, if we take reports like “I lost a part of myself when my beloved died” and “If you’re messing with them, then you’re messing with me!” to be literally true, then we run the risk of suggesting, implausibly, that you and your loved ones are one and the same person. Also, we would risk putting love in direct tension with individual autonomy. If there is no distinction between your interests and those of your loved one’s, then whenever you make a decision about your interests, you’re also making a decision about their interests for them . Many philosophers find this result morally unpalatable. For further discussion, see Lugones (1987), Singer (1994, ch. 6), Soble (1997), Friedman (1998), and Whiting (2016: 46-8).

[7] Soble (1997: 86).

[8] Robert Nozick has gestured towards this view. He writes that, “What is common to all love is this: Your own well-being is tied up with that of someone (or something) you love. When a bad thing happens to a friend, it happens to her and you feel sad for her; when something good happens, you feel happy for her” (1989: 68). It is worth noting, however, that Nozick at times seems sympathetic to the account described in section 2 of this essay. He goes on to say, for example, that “When something bad happens to one you love, […] something bad also happens to you ” (1989: 68; his italics).

[9] It may be interesting to think about whether it is possible to determine which qualities belong to this restricted set, and which ones do not, without being arbitrary. Simon Keller attempts to accomplish this in his article, “How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Properties” (2000: 165-166).

[10] See Grau (2004) for an excellent discussion about the relationship between loving someone and finding them irreplaceable. Grau plausibly cashes out the irreplaceability of our loved ones in terms of their historical properties.

Some might say that to love someone is just to value them for their historical properties—e.g., for being the person with whom you went on a date in October 2016. The trouble with that proposal is that the historical properties of our loved ones don’t seem to be valuable prior to our love for them, in the way the property of “being brave” is. It seems, rather, that the historical properties of our loved ones are valuable for us because we love these people. If that’s true, then this proposal is susceptible to the same objections raised against bestowal accounts of love, discussed in section 4.4 of this essay.

[11] David Velleman, e.g., argues that when we love someone, “we are responding to the value that he possesses by virtue of being a person or, as Kant would say, an instance of rational nature” (1999: 365).

[12] Kolodny (2003: 173-79); Millgram (2004); Bagley (2015: 483-86).

[13] Velleman accepts that love and respect are both responses to the same thing, namely, someone’s value as a person. He distinguishes love from respect in terms of their effects . According to him, respect prevents us from being self-interested, while love prevents us from being emotionally defensive—that is, loving someone makes us vulnerable to experiencing emotions we wouldn’t experience towards strangers (1999: 360-61).

However, if this is the only difference between love and respect, then love would lose much of its explanatory power. To illustrate the point, imagine one of your loved ones has just lost a race. Presumably, you would feel sad or disappointed. Are there good reasons for you to have that emotional response towards your loved one but not towards some stranger who has also lost the race? The intuitive answer is that what warrants that emotional response towards your loved one (but not the stranger) is precisely the fact that you love her (and not the stranger). But, as Bennett Helm rightly notes, “this answer is unavailable to Velleman, because he thinks that what makes my response to your dignity [as a person] be that of love rather than respect is precisely that I feel such emotions, and to appeal to my love in explaining the warrant of these emotions therefore would be viciously circular” (2010: 27).

[14] Niko Kolodny, e.g., argues that “love consists (a) in seeing a relationship in which one is involved as a reason for valuing both one’s relationship and the person with whom one has that relationship, and (b) in valuing that relationship and person accordingly” (2003: 150).

[15] Stump (2006: 26-7).

[16] In most cases, when you love someone unrequitedly, they are acquainted with you. Thus, one might suggest that, in such cases, it’s possible to value your loved one for being your acquaintance. See Protasi (2016) for an excellent discussion, and critique, of this sort of response.

[17] Irving Singer, e.g., writes, “In loving persons, … people bestow value upon one another over and above their individual or objective value” (1984: 6). “Insofar as love is bestowal,” he argues, “it creates a kind of value in the beloved that goes beyond appraisal. In loving another, in attending to and delighting in that person, we make him or her valuable in a way that would not otherwise exist” (1994: 2; his italics). Harry Frankfurt, along similar lines, has claimed that, “what we love necessarily acquires value for us because we love it. (2006: 39; his italics).

[18] See Keller (2000).

[19] Many proponents of the bestowal account of love are willing to accept that love isn’t something that can (or need to) be justified. See, for instance, Singer (1984), Frankfurt (2006: 39-40), or Smuts (2015: 101-3).

[20] Ronald de Sousa explicitly defends this view. In “Love Undigitized”, he writes, “Particular loves link particular persons. There is no essence of love” (1997).

[21] See Helm (2010), Bagley (2015), and Protasi (2016), Pismenny and Prinz (2017), and Yao (2020) for some promising alternative accounts of love.

Aristotle (2014). Nicomachean Ethics . C. D. C. Reeve (trans.). Hackett Publishi ng.

Augustine (2008). Confessions . H. Chadwick (trans.). Oxford University Press.

Bagley, B. (2015). Loving someone in particular. Ethics 125 (2): 477-507.

Baxter, D. (2005). Altruism, grief, and identity. Philosophy and Phenomenological Research 70 (2): 371-383.

Chappell, S. G. (2014). Knowing What to Do: Imagination, Virtue, and Platonism in Ethics . Oxford University Press.

Delaney, N. (1996). Romantic love and loving commitment: Articulating a modern ideal. American Philosophical Quarterly 33 (4): 339-356.

Frankfurt, H. (1998). Necessity, Volition, and Love . Cambridge University Press.

Frankfurt, H. (2006). The Reasons of Love . Princeton University Press.

Friedman, M. (1998). Romantic love and personal autonomy. Midwest Studies in Philosophy 22 (1): 162-181.

Gilbert, M. (2013). Joint Commitment: How We Make the Social World . Oxford University Press.

Grau, C. (2004). Irreplaceability and unique value. Philosophical Topics 32 (1&2): 111-129.

Helm, B. (2009). Love, identification, and the emotions. American Philosophical Quarterly 46 (1): 39-59.

Helm, B. (2010). Love, Friendship, and the Self: Intimacy, Identification, and the Social Nature of Persons . Oxford University Press.

Jenkins, C. (2017). What Love Is And What It Could Be . Basic Books.

Keller, S. (2000). How do I love thee? Let me count the properties. American Philosophical Quarterly 37 (2): 163-173.

Kolodny, N. (2003). Love as valuing a relationship. Philosophical Review 112 (2): 135-189.

Lugones, M. (1987). Playfulness, “world”-travelling, and loving perception. Hypatia 2 (2): 3-19.

Matthes, E. H. (2016). Love in spite of. Oxford Studies in Normative Ethics 6: 241-262.

Millgram, E. (2004). Kantian crystallization. Ethics 114 (3): 511-513.

Montaigne, M. (1958). The Complete Essays . D. M. Frame (trans.). Stanford University Press.

Nozick, R. (1989). The Examined Life: Philosophical Meditations . Simon and Schuster.

Pismenny, Arina & Prinz, Jesse (2017). Is love an emotion? In Christopher Grau & Aaron Smuts (eds.), Oxford Handbook of Philosophy of Love . New York, NY, USA.

Plato (1993). The Dialogues of Plato, Volume 2: The Symposium . R. E. Allen (trans.) Yale University Press.

Protasi, S. (2016). Loving people for who they are (even when they don’t love you back). European Journal of Philosophy 24 (1): 214-234.

Scruton, R. (2006). Sexual Desire: A Philosophical Investigation . Continuum Publishing.

Singer, I. (1984). The Nature of Love: Plato to Luther . University of Chicago Press.

Singer, I. (1994). Meaning in Life: The Pursuit of Love. MIT Press.

Smuts, A. (2015). Is it better to love better things? In Tony Milligan, Christian Maurer & Kamila Pacovská (eds.), Love and Its Objects: What Can We Care For? Palgrave Macmillan. pp. 91-107.

Soble, A. (1997). Union, autonomy, and concern. In Roger E. Lamb (ed.), Love Analyzed . Westview Press. pp. 65-92.

Solomon, R. (1981). Love: Emotion, Myth, & Metaphor . Prometheus Books.

Solomon, R. (1994). About Love: Reinventing Romance for Our Times . Hackett Publishing.

Sousa, R. (1997). Love undigitized. In Roger E. Lamb (ed.), Love Analyzed . Westview Press. pp. 189-207.

Stump, E. (2006). Love, by all accounts. Proceedings and Addresses of the American Philosophical Association 80 (2): 25-43.

Taylor, G. (1976). Love. Proceedings of the Aristotelian Society 76 (1): 147-164.

Velleman, J. (1999). Love as a moral emotion. Ethics 109 (2): 338-374.

Westlund, A. (2008). The reunion of marriage. The Monist 91 (3-4): 558-577.

Whiting, J. (2016). First, Second, and Other Selves: Essays on Friendship and Personal Identity . Oxford University Press.

Yao, V. (2020). Grace and alienation. Philosophers’ Imprint 20 (16): 1-18.

Related Essays

(Im)partiality by Shane Gronholz

Virtue Ethics  by David Merry

Happiness by Kiki Berk

“Hell is Other People”: Sartre on Personal Relationships  by Kiki Berk

Hope by Michael Milone & Katie Stockdale

Sexual Orientation, Sex, and Gender by Raja Halwani

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank Taylor Cyr, Nikki Ernst, Dan Lowe, Nathan Nobis, Sara Protasi, Parker Rose, Lemuel Tang, Travis Timmerman, and Vida Yao for their kind and attentive comments on earlier versions of this essay.

PDF Download

Download this essay in PDF. 

About the Author

Felipe Pereira is a PhD student at the University of Pittsburgh. His current research interests are in ethics and moral psychology. He is co-author of “ The (Un)desirability of Immortality ” in Philosophy Compass and “ Non-Repeatable Hedonism Is False ” in Ergo , both written with Travis Timmerman. He is also the author of “ Is Immortality Desirable? ” in 1,000-Word Philosophy . felipe-pereira.weebly.com/

Follow 1000-Word Philosophy on Facebook , Twitter and subscribe to receive email notifications of new essays at 1000WordPhilosophy.com

Share this:, 9 thoughts on “ what is it to love someone ”.

• Pingback: Aristotle on Friendship: What Does It Take to Be a Good Friend? – 1000-Word Philosophy: An Introductory Anthology
• Pingback: Meaning in Life: What Makes Our Lives Meaningful? – 1000-Word Philosophy: An Introductory Anthology
• Pingback: Saving the Many or the Few: The Moral Relevance of Numbers – 1000-Word Philosophy: An Introductory Anthology
• Pingback: What Is Misogyny? – 1000-Word Philosophy: An Introductory Anthology
• Pingback: Rousseau on Human Nature: “Amour de soi” and “Amour propre” – 1000-Word Philosophy: An Introductory Anthology
• Pingback: Happiness – 1000-Word Philosophy: An Introductory Anthology
• Pingback: “Hell is Other People”: Sartre on Personal Relationships – 1000-Word Philosophy: An Introductory Anthology
• Pingback: Online Philosophy Resources Weekly Update - Daily Nous
• Pingback: Is Immortality Desirable? – 1000-Word Philosophy: An Introductory Anthology

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

Notify me of new posts by email.

• PRO Courses Guides New Tech Help Pro Expert Videos About wikiHow Pro Upgrade Sign In
• EDIT Edit this Article
• EXPLORE Tech Help Pro About Us Random Article Quizzes Request a New Article Community Dashboard This Or That Game Popular Categories Arts and Entertainment Artwork Books Movies Computers and Electronics Computers Phone Skills Technology Hacks Health Men's Health Mental Health Women's Health Relationships Dating Love Relationship Issues Hobbies and Crafts Crafts Drawing Games Education & Communication Communication Skills Personal Development Studying Personal Care and Style Fashion Hair Care Personal Hygiene Youth Personal Care School Stuff Dating All Categories Arts and Entertainment Finance and Business Home and Garden Relationship Quizzes Cars & Other Vehicles Food and Entertaining Personal Care and Style Sports and Fitness Computers and Electronics Health Pets and Animals Travel Education & Communication Hobbies and Crafts Philosophy and Religion Work World Family Life Holidays and Traditions Relationships Youth
• Browse Articles
• Learn Something New
• Quizzes Hot
• This Or That Game
• Train Your Brain
• Explore More
• Support wikiHow
• About wikiHow
• Log in / Sign up
• Psychological Health
• Emotions and Feelings

How to Write 100 Reasons Why You Love Someone

Last Updated: December 29, 2022

This article was co-authored by John Keegan . John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 308,089 times.

This is a romantic and creative way to tell your true love how he or she is special to you. It may take only a few hours, but could take weeks, or even longer, but in the end, you may even surprise yourself with what you learn!

Sample Reasons

Writing 100 Reasons Why You Love Someone

• Her hair is soft and smells sweet.
• Her lips are full and sensuous.
• She has a full, womanly figure. (Which may be broken down even further.)
• She has lovely, iridescent blue eyes.
• Her smile can light up a room.

Community Q&A

• If you don't have time to write 100 reasons, or you can't think of 100 reasons, cut it down. Make it something like 20, 50, or 75. Thanks Helpful 4 Not Helpful 3
• Keep the list in the back of your mind while doing other things. You never know when a thought will occur to you. Thanks Helpful 3 Not Helpful 0
• Don't let the "significant other" see the list unless you are sure it is thorough and complete. They may feel offended if some quality they consider important is left out. Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 1

You Might Also Like

About This Article

• Send fan mail to authors

Reader Success Stories

Britney Sykes

Dec 12, 2018

Did this article help you?

Featured Articles

Trending Articles

Watch Articles

• Terms of Use
• Privacy Policy
• Do Not Sell or Share My Info
• Not Selling Info

Get wikiHow's expert advice in our new

Weekly Relationships Newsletter

Before You Write a Love Essay, Read This to Get Examples

The day will come when you can’t escape the fate of all students: You will have to write a what is love essay.

No worries:

Here you’ll find tons of love essay topics and examples. No time to read everything? Scroll down to get a free PDF with original samples.

Definition: Essay on Love

First, let’s define what is love essay?

The most common topics are:

• Definition of love
• What is love?
• Meaning of love

Why limit yourself to these hackneyed, general themes? Below, I’ll show how to make your paper on love original yet relevant to the prompt you get from teachers.

Love Essay Topics: 20 Ideas to Choose for Your Paper

Your essay on love and relationship doesn’t have to be super official and unemotional. It’s ok to share reflections and personal opinions when writing about romance.

Often, students get a general task to write an essay on love. It means they can choose a theme and a title for their paper. If that’s your case,  feel free to try any of these love essay topics:

• Exploring the impact of love on individuals and relationships.
• Love in the digital age: Navigating romance in a tech world.
• Is there any essence and significance in unconditional love?
• Love as a universal language: Connecting hearts across cultures.
• Biochemistry of love: Exploring the process.
• Love vs. passion vs. obsession.
• How love helps cope with heartbreak and grief.
• The art of loving. How we breed intimacy and trust.
• The science behind attraction and attachment.
• How love and relationships shape our identity and help with self-discovery.
• Love and vulnerability: How to embrace emotional openness.
• Romance is more complex than most think: Passion, intimacy, and commitment explained.
• Love as empathy: Building sympathetic connections in a cruel world.
• Evolution of love. How people described it throughout history.
• The role of love in mental and emotional well-being.
• Love as a tool to look and find purpose in life.
• Welcoming diversity in relations through love and acceptance.
• Love vs. friendship: The intersection of platonic and romantic bonds.
• The choices we make and challenges we overcome for those we love.
• Love and forgiveness: How its power heals wounds and strengthens bonds.

Love Essay Examples: Choose Your Sample for Inspiration

Essays about love are usually standard, 5-paragraph papers students write in college:

• One paragraph is for an introduction, with a hook and a thesis statement
• Three are for a body, with arguments or descriptions
• One last passage is for a conclusion, with a thesis restatement and final thoughts

Below are the ready-made samples to consider. They’ll help you see what an essay about love with an introduction, body, and conclusion looks like.

What is love essay: 250 words

Lao Tzu once said, “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Indeed, love can transform individuals, relationships, and our world.

A word of immense depth and countless interpretations, love has always fascinated philosophers, poets, and ordinary individuals. This  emotion breaks boundaries and has a super power to change lives. But what is love, actually?

It’s a force we feel in countless ways. It is the warm embrace of a parent, filled with care and unwavering support. It is the gentle touch of a lover, sparking a flame that ignites passion and desire. Love is the kind words of a friend, offering solace and understanding in times of need. It is the selfless acts of compassion and empathy that bind humanity together.

Love is not confined to romantic relationships alone. It is found in the family bonds, the connections we forge with friends, and even the compassion we extend to strangers. Love is a thread that weaves through the fabric of our lives, enriching and nourishing our souls.

However, love is not without its complexities. It can be both euphoric and agonizing, uplifting and devastating. Love requires vulnerability, trust, and the willingness to embrace joy and pain. It is a delicate balance between passion and compassion, independence and interdependence.

Finally, the essence of love may be elusive to define with mere words. It is an experience that surpasses language and logic, encompassing a spectrum of emotions and actions. Love is a profound connection that unites us all, reminding us of our shared humanity and the capacity for boundless compassion.

What is love essay: 500 words

A 500-word essay on why I love you

Trying to encapsulate why I love you in a mere 500 words is impossible. My love for you goes beyond the confines of language, transcending words and dwelling in the realm of emotions, connections, and shared experiences. Nevertheless, I shall endeavor to express the depth and breadth of my affection for you.

First and foremost, I love you for who you are. You possess a unique blend of qualities and characteristics that captivate my heart and mind. Your kindness and compassion touch the lives of those around you, and I am grateful to be the recipient of your unwavering care and understanding. Your intelligence and wit constantly challenge me to grow and learn, stimulating my mind and enriching our conversations. You have a beautiful spirit that radiates warmth and joy, and I am drawn to your vibrant energy.

I love the way you make me feel. When I am with you, I feel a sense of comfort and security that allows me to be my true self. Your presence envelops me in a cocoon of love and acceptance, where I can express my thoughts, fears, and dreams without fear of judgment. Your support and encouragement inspire me to pursue my passions and overcome obstacles. With you by my side, I feel empowered to face the world, knowing I have a partner who believes in me.

I love the memories we have created together. From the laughter-filled moments of shared adventures to the quiet and intimate conversations, every memory is etched in my heart. Whether exploring new places, indulging in our favorite activities, or simply enjoying each other’s company in comfortable silence, each experience reinforces our bond. Our shared memories serve as a foundation for our relationship, a testament to the depth of our connection and the love that binds us.

I love your quirks and imperfections. Your true essence shines through these unique aspects! Your little traits make me smile and remind me of the beautiful individual you are. I love how you wrinkle your nose when you laugh, become lost in thought when reading a book, and even sing off-key in the shower. These imperfections make you human, relatable, and utterly lovable.

I love the future we envision together. We support each other’s goals, cheering one another on as we navigate the path toward our dreams. The thought of building a life together, creating a home filled with love and shared experiences, fills my heart with anticipation and excitement. The future we imagine is one that I am eager to explore with you by my side.

In conclusion, the reasons why I love you are as vast and varied as the universe itself. It is a love that defies logic and surpasses the limitations of language. From the depths of my being, I love you for the person you are, the way you make me feel, the memories we cherish, your quirks and imperfections, and the future we envision together. My love for you is boundless, unconditional, and everlasting.

A 5-paragraph essay about love

I’ve gathered all the samples (and a few bonus ones) in one PDF. It’s free to download. So, you can keep it at hand when the time comes to write a love essay.

Ready to Write Your Essay About Love?

Now that you know the definition of a love essay and have many topic ideas, it’s time to write your A-worthy paper! Here go the steps:

• Check all the examples of what is love essay from this post.
• Choose the topic and angle that fits your prompt best.
• Write your original and inspiring story.

Any questions left? Our writers are all ears. Please don’t hesitate to ask!

• Essay samples
• Essay writing
• Writing tips

Recent Posts

• Writing the “Why Should Abortion Be Made Legal” Essay: Sample and Tips
• 3 Examples of Enduring Issue Essays to Write Yours Like a Pro
• Writing Essay on Friendship: 3 Samples to Get Inspired
• How to Structure a Leadership Essay (Samples to Consider)
• What Is Nursing Essay, and How to Write It Like a Pro

Featured Topics

Featured series.

A series of random questions answered by Harvard experts.

Explore the Gazette

Read the latest.

Everything counts!

How do you read organization’s silence over rise of Nazism?

Got milk? Does it give you problems?

When love and science double date.

Illustration by Sophie Blackall

Alvin Powell

Harvard Staff Writer

Sure, your heart thumps, but let’s look at what’s happening physically and psychologically

“They gave each other a smile with a future in it.” — Ring Lardner

Love’s warm squishiness seems a thing far removed from the cold, hard reality of science. Yet the two do meet, whether in lab tests for surging hormones or in austere chambers where MRI scanners noisily thunk and peer into brains that ignite at glimpses of their soulmates.

When it comes to thinking deeply about love, poets, philosophers, and even high school boys gazing dreamily at girls two rows over have a significant head start on science. But the field is gamely racing to catch up.

One database of scientific publications turns up more than 6,600 pages of results in a search for the word “love.” The National Institutes of Health (NIH) is conducting 18 clinical trials on it (though, like love itself, NIH’s “love” can have layered meanings, including as an acronym for a study of Crohn’s disease). Though not normally considered an intestinal ailment, love is often described as an illness, and the smitten as lovesick. Comedian George Burns once described love as something like a backache: “It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”

Richard Schwartz , associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School (HMS) and a consultant to McLean and Massachusetts General (MGH) hospitals, says it’s never been proven that love makes you physically sick, though it does raise levels of cortisol, a stress hormone that has been shown to suppress immune function.

Love also turns on the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is known to stimulate the brain’s pleasure centers. Couple that with a drop in levels of serotonin — which adds a dash of obsession — and you have the crazy, pleasing, stupefied, urgent love of infatuation.

It’s also true, Schwartz said, that like the moon — a trigger of its own legendary form of madness — love has its phases.

“It’s fairly complex, and we only know a little about it,” Schwartz said. “There are different phases and moods of love. The early phase of love is quite different” from later phases.

During the first love-year, serotonin levels gradually return to normal, and the “stupid” and “obsessive” aspects of the condition moderate. That period is followed by increases in the hormone oxytocin, a neurotransmitter associated with a calmer, more mature form of love. The oxytocin helps cement bonds, raise immune function, and begin to confer the health benefits found in married couples, who tend to live longer, have fewer strokes and heart attacks, be less depressed, and have higher survival rates from major surgery and cancer.

Schwartz has built a career around studying the love, hate, indifference, and other emotions that mark our complex relationships. And, though science is learning more in the lab than ever before, he said he still has learned far more counseling couples. His wife and sometime collaborator, Jacqueline Olds , also an associate professor of psychiatry at HMS and a consultant to McLean and MGH, agrees.

Spouses Richard Schwartz and Jacqueline Olds, both associate professors of psychiatry, have collaborated on a book about marriage.

Stephanie Mitchell/Harvard Staff Photographer

More knowledge, but struggling to understand

“I think we know a lot more scientifically about love and the brain than we did a couple of decades ago, but I don’t think it tells us very much that we didn’t already know about love,” Schwartz said. “It’s kind of interesting, it’s kind of fun [to study]. But do we think that makes us better at love, or helping people with love? Probably not much.”

Love and companionship have made indelible marks on Schwartz and Olds. Though they have separate careers, they’re separate together, working from discrete offices across the hall from each other in their stately Cambridge home. Each has a professional practice and independently trains psychiatry students, but they’ve also collaborated on two books about loneliness and one on marriage. Their own union has lasted 39 years, and they raised two children.

“I think we know a lot more scientifically about love and the brain than we did a couple of decades ago … But do we think that makes us better at love, or helping people with love? Probably not much.” Richard Schwartz, associate professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

“I have learned much more from doing couples therapy, and being in a couple’s relationship” than from science, Olds said. “But every now and again, something like the fMRI or chemical studies can help you make the point better. If you say to somebody, ‘I think you’re doing this, and it’s terrible for a relationship,’ they may not pay attention. If you say, ‘It’s corrosive, and it’s causing your cortisol to go way up,’ then they really sit up and listen.”

A side benefit is that examining other couples’ trials and tribulations has helped their own relationship over the inevitable rocky bumps, Olds said.

“To some extent, being a psychiatrist allows you a privileged window into other people’s triumphs and mistakes,” Olds said. “And because you get to learn from them as they learn from you, when you work with somebody 10 years older than you, you learn what mistakes 10 years down the line might be.”

People have written for centuries about love shifting from passionate to companionate, something Schwartz called “both a good and a sad thing.” Different couples experience that shift differently. While the passion fades for some, others keep its flames burning, while still others are able to rekindle the fires.

“You have a tidal-like motion of closeness and drifting apart, closeness and drifting apart,” Olds said. “And you have to have one person have a ‘distance alarm’ to notice the drifting apart so there can be a reconnection … One could say that in the couples who are most successful at keeping their relationship alive over the years, there’s an element of companionate love and an element of passionate love. And those each get reawakened in that drifting back and forth, the ebb and flow of lasting relationships.”

Children as the biggest stressor

Children remain the biggest stressor on relationships, Olds said, adding that it seems a particular problem these days. Young parents feel pressure to raise kids perfectly, even at the risk of their own relationships. Kids are a constant presence for parents. The days when child care consisted of the instruction “Go play outside” while mom and dad reconnected over cocktails are largely gone.

When not hovering over children, America’s workaholic culture, coupled with technology’s 24/7 intrusiveness, can make it hard for partners to pay attention to each other in the evenings and even on weekends. It is a problem that Olds sees even in environments that ought to know better, such as psychiatry residency programs.

“There are all these sweet young doctors who are trying to have families while they’re in residency,” Olds said. “And the residencies work them so hard there’s barely time for their relationship or having children or taking care of children. So, we’re always trying to balance the fact that, in psychiatry, we stand for psychological good health, but [in] the residency we run, sometimes we don’t practice everything we preach.”

“There is too much pressure … on what a romantic partner should be. They should be your best friend, they should be your lover, they should be your closest relative, they should be your work partner, they should be the co-parent, your athletic partner. … Of course everybody isn’t able to quite live up to it.” Jacqueline Olds, associate professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

All this busy-ness has affected non-romantic relationships too, which has a ripple effect on the romantic ones, Olds said. A respected national social survey has shown that in recent years people have gone from having three close friends to two, with one of those their romantic partner.

More like this

Strength in love, hope in science

Love in the crosshairs

Good genes are nice, but joy is better

“Often when you scratch the surface … the second [friend] lives 3,000 miles away, and you can’t talk to them on the phone because they’re on a different time schedule,” Olds said. “There is too much pressure, from my point of view, on what a romantic partner should be. They should be your best friend, they should be your lover, they should be your closest relative, they should be your work partner, they should be the co-parent, your athletic partner. There’s just so much pressure on the role of spouse that of course everybody isn’t able to quite live up to it.”

Since the rising challenges of modern life aren’t going to change soon, Schwartz and Olds said couples should try to adopt ways to fortify their relationships for life’s long haul. For instance, couples benefit from shared goals and activities, which will help pull them along a shared life path, Schwartz said.

“You’re not going to get to 40 years by gazing into each other’s eyes,” Schwartz said. “I think the fact that we’ve worked on things together has woven us together more, in good ways.”

Maintain curiosity about your partner

Also important is retaining a genuine sense of curiosity about your partner, fostered both by time apart to have separate experiences, and by time together, just as a couple, to share those experiences. Schwartz cited a study by Robert Waldinger, clinical professor of psychiatry at MGH and HMS, in which couples watched videos of themselves arguing. Afterwards, each person was asked what the partner was thinking. The longer they had been together, the worse they actually were at guessing, in part because they thought they already knew.

“What keeps love alive is being able to recognize that you don’t really know your partner perfectly and still being curious and still be exploring,” Schwartz said. “Which means, in addition to being sure you have enough time and involvement with each other — that that time isn’t stolen — making sure you have enough separateness that you can be an object of curiosity for the other person.”

Share this article

You might like.

New study finds step-count and time are equally valid in reducing health risks

Medical historians look to cultural context, work of peer publications in wrestling with case of New England Journal of Medicine

Biomolecular archaeologist looks at why most of world’s population has trouble digesting beverage that helped shape civilization

Epic science inside a cubic millimeter of brain

Researchers publish largest-ever dataset of neural connections

Harvard study, almost 80 years old, has proved that embracing community helps us live longer, and be happier

Finding right mix on campus speech policies

Legal, political scholars discuss balancing personal safety, constitutional rights, academic freedom amid roiling protests, cultural shifts

• Table of Contents
• Random Entry
• Chronological
• Editorial Information
• About the SEP
• Editorial Board
• How to Cite the SEP
• Special Characters
• Advanced Tools
• Support the SEP
• PDFs for SEP Friends
• Make a Donation
• SEPIA for Libraries
• Entry Contents

Bibliography

Academic tools.

• Friends PDF Preview
• Author and Citation Info
• Back to Top

This essay focuses on personal love, or the love of particular persons as such. Part of the philosophical task in understanding personal love is to distinguish the various kinds of personal love. For example, the way in which I love my wife is seemingly very different from the way I love my mother, my child, and my friend. This task has typically proceeded hand-in-hand with philosophical analyses of these kinds of personal love, analyses that in part respond to various puzzles about love. Can love be justified? If so, how? What is the value of personal love? What impact does love have on the autonomy of both the lover and the beloved?

1. Preliminary Distinctions

2. love as union, 3. love as robust concern, 4.1 love as appraisal of value, 4.2 love as bestowal of value, 4.3 an intermediate position, 5.1 love as emotion proper, 5.2 love as emotion complex, 6. the value and justification of love, other internet resources, related entries.

In ordinary conversations, we often say things like the following:

• I love chocolate (or skiing).
• I love doing philosophy (or being a father).
• I love my dog (or cat).
• I love my wife (or mother or child or friend).

However, what is meant by ‘love’ differs from case to case. (1) may be understood as meaning merely that I like this thing or activity very much. In (2) the implication is typically that I find engaging in a certain activity or being a certain kind of person to be a part of my identity and so what makes my life worth living; I might just as well say that I value these. By contrast, (3) and (4) seem to indicate a mode of concern that cannot be neatly assimilated to anything else. Thus, we might understand the sort of love at issue in (4) to be, roughly, a matter of caring about another person as the person she is, for her own sake. (Accordingly, (3) may be understood as a kind of deficient mode of the sort of love we typically reserve for persons.) Philosophical accounts of love have focused primarily on the sort of personal love at issue in (4); such personal love will be the focus here (though see Frankfurt (1999) and Jaworska & Wonderly (2017) for attempts to provide a more general account that applies to non-persons as well).

Even within personal love, philosophers from the ancient Greeks on have traditionally distinguished three notions that can properly be called “love”: eros , agape , and philia . It will be useful to distinguish these three and say something about how contemporary discussions typically blur these distinctions (sometimes intentionally so) or use them for other purposes.

‘ Eros ’ originally meant love in the sense of a kind of passionate desire for an object, typically sexual passion (Liddell et al., 1940). Nygren (1953a,b) describes eros as the “‘love of desire,’ or acquisitive love” and therefore as egocentric (1953b, p. 89). Soble (1989b, 1990) similarly describes eros as “selfish” and as a response to the merits of the beloved—especially the beloved’s goodness or beauty. What is evident in Soble’s description of eros is a shift away from the sexual: to love something in the “erosic” sense (to use the term Soble coins) is to love it in a way that, by being responsive to its merits, is dependent on reasons. Such an understanding of eros is encouraged by Plato’s discussion in the Symposium , in which Socrates understands sexual desire to be a deficient response to physical beauty in particular, a response which ought to be developed into a response to the beauty of a person’s soul and, ultimately, into a response to the form, Beauty.

Soble’s intent in understanding eros to be a reason-dependent sort of love is to articulate a sharp contrast with agape , a sort of love that does not respond to the value of its object. ‘ Agape ’ has come, primarily through the Christian tradition, to mean the sort of love God has for us persons, as well as our love for God and, by extension, of our love for each other—a kind of brotherly love. In the paradigm case of God’s love for us, agape is “spontaneous and unmotivated,” revealing not that we merit that love but that God’s nature is love (Nygren 1953b, p. 85). Rather than responding to antecedent value in its object, agape instead is supposed to create value in its object and therefore to initiate our fellowship with God (pp. 87–88). Consequently, Badhwar (2003, p. 58) characterizes agape as “independent of the loved individual’s fundamental characteristics as the particular person she is”; and Soble (1990, p. 5) infers that agape , in contrast to eros , is therefore not reason dependent but is rationally “incomprehensible,” admitting at best of causal or historical explanations. [ 1 ]

Finally, ‘ philia ’ originally meant a kind of affectionate regard or friendly feeling towards not just one’s friends but also possibly towards family members, business partners, and one’s country at large (Liddell et al., 1940; Cooper, 1977). Like eros , philia is generally (but not universally) understood to be responsive to (good) qualities in one’s beloved. This similarity between eros and philia has led Thomas (1987) to wonder whether the only difference between romantic love and friendship is the sexual involvement of the former—and whether that is adequate to account for the real differences we experience. The distinction between eros and philia becomes harder to draw with Soble’s attempt to diminish the importance of the sexual in eros (1990).

Maintaining the distinctions among eros , agape , and philia becomes even more difficult when faced with contemporary theories of love (including romantic love) and friendship. For, as discussed below, some theories of romantic love understand it along the lines of the agape tradition as creating value in the beloved (cf. Section 4.2 ), and other accounts of romantic love treat sexual activity as merely the expression of what otherwise looks very much like friendship.

Given the focus here on personal love, Christian conceptions of God’s love for persons (and vice versa ) will be omitted, and the distinction between eros and philia will be blurred—as it typically is in contemporary accounts. Instead, the focus here will be on these contemporary understandings of love, including romantic love, understood as an attitude we take towards other persons. [ 2 ]

In providing an account of love, philosophical analyses must be careful to distinguish love from other positive attitudes we take towards persons, such as liking. Intuitively, love differs from such attitudes as liking in terms of its “depth,” and the problem is to elucidate the kind of “depth” we intuitively find love to have. Some analyses do this in part by providing thin conceptions of what liking amounts to. Thus, Singer (1991) and Brown (1987) understand liking to be a matter of desiring, an attitude that at best involves its object having only instrumental (and not intrinsic) value. Yet this seems inadequate: surely there are attitudes towards persons intermediate between having a desire with a person as its object and loving the person. I can care about a person for her own sake and not merely instrumentally, and yet such caring does not on its own amount to (non-deficiently) loving her, for it seems I can care about my dog in exactly the same way, a kind of caring which is insufficiently personal for love.

It is more common to distinguish loving from liking via the intuition that the “depth” of love is to be explained in terms of a notion of identification: to love someone is somehow to identify yourself with him, whereas no such notion of identification is involved in liking. As Nussbaum puts it, “The choice between one potential love and another can feel, and be, like a choice of a way of life, a decision to dedicate oneself to these values rather than these” (1990, p. 328); liking clearly does not have this sort of “depth” (see also Helm 2010; Bagley 2015). Whether love involves some kind of identification, and if so exactly how to understand such identification, is a central bone of contention among the various analyses of love. In particular, Whiting (2013) argues that the appeal to a notion of identification distorts our understanding of the sort of motivation love can provide, for taken literally it implies that love motivates through self -interest rather than through the beloved’s interests. Thus, Whiting argues, central to love is the possibility that love takes the lover “outside herself”, potentially forgetting herself in being moved directly by the interests of the beloved. (Of course, we need not take the notion of identification literally in this way: in identifying with one’s beloved, one might have a concern for one’s beloved that is analogous to one’s concern for oneself; see Helm 2010.)

Another common way to distinguish love from other personal attitudes is in terms of a distinctive kind of evaluation, which itself can account for love’s “depth.” Again, whether love essentially involves a distinctive kind of evaluation, and if so how to make sense of that evaluation, is hotly disputed. Closely related to questions of evaluation are questions of justification: can we justify loving or continuing to love a particular person, and if so, how? For those who think the justification of love is possible, it is common to understand such justification in terms of evaluation, and the answers here affect various accounts’ attempts to make sense of the kind of constancy or commitment love seems to involve, as well as the sense in which love is directed at particular individuals.

In what follows, theories of love are tentatively and hesitantly classified into four types: love as union, love as robust concern, love as valuing, and love as an emotion. It should be clear, however, that particular theories classified under one type sometimes also include, without contradiction, ideas central to other types. The types identified here overlap to some extent, and in some cases classifying particular theories may involve excessive pigeonholing. (Such cases are noted below.) Part of the classificatory problem is that many accounts of love are quasi-reductionistic, understanding love in terms of notions like affection, evaluation, attachment, etc., which themselves never get analyzed. Even when these accounts eschew explicitly reductionistic language, very often little attempt is made to show how one such “aspect” of love is conceptually connected to others. As a result, there is no clear and obvious way to classify particular theories, let alone identify what the relevant classes should be.

The union view claims that love consists in the formation of (or the desire to form) some significant kind of union, a “we.” A central task for union theorists, therefore, is to spell out just what such a “we” comes to—whether it is literally a new entity in the world somehow composed of the lover and the beloved, or whether it is merely metaphorical. Variants of this view perhaps go back to Aristotle (cf. Sherman 1993) and can also be found in Montaigne ([E]) and Hegel (1997); contemporary proponents include Solomon (1981, 1988), Scruton (1986), Nozick (1989), Fisher (1990), and Delaney (1996).

Scruton, writing in particular about romantic love, claims that love exists “just so soon as reciprocity becomes community: that is, just so soon as all distinction between my interests and your interests is overcome” (1986, p. 230). The idea is that the union is a union of concern, so that when I act out of that concern it is not for my sake alone or for your sake alone but for our sake. Fisher (1990) holds a similar, but somewhat more moderate view, claiming that love is a partial fusion of the lovers’ cares, concerns, emotional responses, and actions. What is striking about both Scruton and Fisher is the claim that love requires the actual union of the lovers’ concerns, for it thus becomes clear that they conceive of love not so much as an attitude we take towards another but as a relationship: the distinction between your interests and mine genuinely disappears only when we together come to have shared cares, concerns, etc., and my merely having a certain attitude towards you is not enough for love. This provides content to the notion of a “we” as the (metaphorical?) subject of these shared cares and concerns, and as that for whose sake we act.

Solomon (1988) offers a union view as well, though one that tries “to make new sense out of ‘love’ through a literal rather than metaphoric sense of the ‘fusion’ of two souls” (p. 24, cf. Solomon 1981; however, it is unclear exactly what he means by a “soul” here and so how love can be a “literal” fusion of two souls). What Solomon has in mind is the way in which, through love, the lovers redefine their identities as persons in terms of the relationship: “Love is the concentration and the intensive focus of mutual definition on a single individual, subjecting virtually every personal aspect of one’s self to this process” (1988, p. 197). The result is that lovers come to share the interests, roles, virtues, and so on that constitute what formerly was two individual identities but now has become a shared identity, and they do so in part by each allowing the other to play an important role in defining his own identity.

Nozick (1989) offers a union view that differs from those of Scruton, Fisher, and Solomon in that Nozick thinks that what is necessary for love is merely the desire to form a “we,” together with the desire that your beloved reciprocates. Nonetheless, he claims that this “we” is “a new entity in the world…created by a new web of relationships between [the lovers] which makes them no longer separate” (p. 70). In spelling out this web of relationships, Nozick appeals to the lovers “pooling” not only their well-beings, in the sense that the well-being of each is tied up with that of the other, but also their autonomy, in that “each transfers some previous rights to make certain decisions unilaterally into a joint pool” (p. 71). In addition, Nozick claims, the lovers each acquire a new identity as a part of the “we,” a new identity constituted by their (a) wanting to be perceived publicly as a couple, (b) their attending to their pooled well-being, and (c) their accepting a “certain kind of division of labor” (p. 72):

A person in a we might find himself coming across something interesting to read yet leaving it for the other person, not because he himself would not be interested in it but because the other would be more interested, and one of them reading it is sufficient for it to be registered by the wider identity now shared, the we . [ 3 ]

Opponents of the union view have seized on claims like this as excessive: union theorists, they claim, take too literally the ontological commitments of this notion of a “we.” This leads to two specific criticisms of the union view. The first is that union views do away with individual autonomy. Autonomy, it seems, involves a kind of independence on the part of the autonomous agent, such that she is in control over not only what she does but also who she is, as this is constituted by her interests, values, concerns, etc. However, union views, by doing away with a clear distinction between your interests and mine, thereby undermine this sort of independence and so undermine the autonomy of the lovers. If autonomy is a part of the individual’s good, then, on the union view, love is to this extent bad; so much the worse for the union view (Singer 1994; Soble 1997). Moreover, Singer (1994) argues that a necessary part of having your beloved be the object of your love is respect for your beloved as the particular person she is, and this requires respecting her autonomy.

Union theorists have responded to this objection in several ways. Nozick (1989) seems to think of a loss of autonomy in love as a desirable feature of the sort of union lovers can achieve. Fisher (1990), somewhat more reluctantly, claims that the loss of autonomy in love is an acceptable consequence of love. Yet without further argument these claims seem like mere bullet biting. Solomon (1988, pp. 64ff) describes this “tension” between union and autonomy as “the paradox of love.” However, this a view that Soble (1997) derides: merely to call it a paradox, as Solomon does, is not to face up to the problem.

The second criticism involves a substantive view concerning love. Part of what it is to love someone, these opponents say, is to have concern for him for his sake. However, union views make such concern unintelligible and eliminate the possibility of both selfishness and self-sacrifice, for by doing away with the distinction between my interests and your interests they have in effect turned your interests into mine and vice versa (Soble 1997; see also Blum 1980, 1993). Some advocates of union views see this as a point in their favor: we need to explain how it is I can have concern for people other than myself, and the union view apparently does this by understanding your interests to be part of my own. And Delaney, responding to an apparent tension between our desire to be loved unselfishly (for fear of otherwise being exploited) and our desire to be loved for reasons (which presumably are attractive to our lover and hence have a kind of selfish basis), says (1996, p. 346):

Given my view that the romantic ideal is primarily characterized by a desire to achieve a profound consolidation of needs and interests through the formation of a we , I do not think a little selfishness of the sort described should pose a worry to either party.

The objection, however, lies precisely in this attempt to explain my concern for my beloved egoistically. As Whiting (1991, p. 10) puts it, such an attempt “strikes me as unnecessary and potentially objectionable colonization”: in love, I ought to be concerned with my beloved for her sake, and not because I somehow get something out of it. (This can be true whether my concern with my beloved is merely instrumental to my good or whether it is partly constitutive of my good.)

Although Whiting’s and Soble’s criticisms here succeed against the more radical advocates of the union view, they in part fail to acknowledge the kernel of truth to be gleaned from the idea of union. Whiting’s way of formulating the second objection in terms of an unnecessary egoism in part points to a way out: we persons are in part social creatures, and love is one profound mode of that sociality. Indeed, part of the point of union accounts is to make sense of this social dimension: to make sense of a way in which we can sometimes identify ourselves with others not merely in becoming interdependent with them (as Singer 1994, p. 165, suggests, understanding ‘interdependence’ to be a kind of reciprocal benevolence and respect) but rather in making who we are as persons be constituted in part by those we love (cf., e.g., Rorty 1986/1993; Nussbaum 1990).

Along these lines, Friedman (1998), taking her inspiration in part from Delaney (1996), argues that we should understand the sort of union at issue in love to be a kind of federation of selves:

On the federation model, a third unified entity is constituted by the interaction of the lovers, one which involves the lovers acting in concert across a range of conditions and for a range of purposes. This concerted action, however, does not erase the existence of the two lovers as separable and separate agents with continuing possibilities for the exercise of their own respective agencies. [p. 165]

Given that on this view the lovers do not give up their individual identities, there is no principled reason why the union view cannot make sense of the lover’s concern for her beloved for his sake. [ 4 ] Moreover, Friedman argues, once we construe union as federation, we can see that autonomy is not a zero-sum game; rather, love can both directly enhance the autonomy of each and promote the growth of various skills, like realistic and critical self-evaluation, that foster autonomy.

Nonetheless, this federation model is not without its problems—problems that affect other versions of the union view as well. For if the federation (or the “we”, as on Nozick’s view) is understood as a third entity, we need a clearer account than has been given of its ontological status and how it comes to be. Relevant here is the literature on shared intention and plural subjects. Gilbert (1989, 1996, 2000) has argued that we should take quite seriously the existence of a plural subject as an entity over and above its constituent members. Others, such as Tuomela (1984, 1995), Searle (1990), and Bratman (1999) are more cautious, treating such talk of “us” having an intention as metaphorical.

As this criticism of the union view indicates, many find caring about your beloved for her sake to be a part of what it is to love her. The robust concern view of love takes this to be the central and defining feature of love (cf. Taylor 1976; Newton-Smith 1989; Soble 1990, 1997; LaFollette 1996; Frankfurt 1999; White 2001). As Taylor puts it:

To summarize: if x loves y then x wants to benefit and be with y etc., and he has these wants (or at least some of them) because he believes y has some determinate characteristics ψ in virtue of which he thinks it worth while to benefit and be with y . He regards satisfaction of these wants as an end and not as a means towards some other end. [p. 157]

In conceiving of my love for you as constituted by my concern for you for your sake, the robust concern view rejects the idea, central to the union view, that love is to be understood in terms of the (literal or metaphorical) creation of a “we”: I am the one who has this concern for you, though it is nonetheless disinterested and so not egoistic insofar as it is for your sake rather than for my own. [ 5 ]

At the heart of the robust concern view is the idea that love “is neither affective nor cognitive. It is volitional” (Frankfurt 1999, p. 129; see also Martin 2015). Frankfurt continues:

That a person cares about or that he loves something has less to do with how things make him feel, or with his opinions about them, than with the more or less stable motivational structures that shape his preferences and that guide and limit his conduct.

This account analyzes caring about someone for her sake as a matter of being motivated in certain ways, in part as a response to what happens to one’s beloved. Of course, to understand love in terms of desires is not to leave other emotional responses out in the cold, for these emotions should be understood as consequences of desires. Thus, just as I can be emotionally crushed when one of my strong desires is disappointed, so too I can be emotionally crushed when things similarly go badly for my beloved. In this way Frankfurt (1999) tacitly, and White (2001) more explicitly, acknowledge the way in which my caring for my beloved for her sake results in my identity being transformed through her influence insofar as I become vulnerable to things that happen to her.

Not all robust concern theorists seem to accept this line, however; in particular, Taylor (1976) and Soble (1990) seem to have a strongly individualistic conception of persons that prevents my identity being bound up with my beloved in this sort of way, a kind of view that may seem to undermine the intuitive “depth” that love seems to have. (For more on this point, see Rorty 1986/1993.) In the middle is Stump (2006), who follows Aquinas in understanding love to involve not only the desire for your beloved’s well-being but also a desire for a certain kind of relationship with your beloved—as a parent or spouse or sibling or priest or friend, for example—a relationship within which you share yourself with and connect yourself to your beloved. [ 6 ]

One source of worry about the robust concern view is that it involves too passive an understanding of one’s beloved (Ebels-Duggan 2008). The thought is that on the robust concern view the lover merely tries to discover what the beloved’s well-being consists in and then acts to promote that, potentially by thwarting the beloved’s own efforts when the lover thinks those efforts would harm her well-being. This, however, would be disrespectful and demeaning, not the sort of attitude that love is. What robust concern views seem to miss, Ebels-Duggan suggests, is the way love involves interacting agents, each with a capacity for autonomy the recognition and engagement with which is an essential part of love. In response, advocates of the robust concern view might point out that promoting someone’s well-being normally requires promoting her autonomy (though they may maintain that this need not always be true: that paternalism towards a beloved can sometimes be justified and appropriate as an expression of one’s love). Moreover, we might plausibly think, it is only through the exercise of one’s autonomy that one can define one’s own well-being as a person, so that a lover’s failure to respect the beloved’s autonomy would be a failure to promote her well-being and therefore not an expression of love, contrary to what Ebels-Duggan suggests. Consequently, it might seem, robust concern views can counter this objection by offering an enriched conception of what it is to be a person and so of the well-being of persons.

Another source of worry is that the robust concern view offers too thin a conception of love. By emphasizing robust concern, this view understands other features we think characteristic of love, such as one’s emotional responsiveness to one’s beloved, to be the effects of that concern rather than constituents of it. Thus Velleman (1999) argues that robust concern views, by understanding love merely as a matter of aiming at a particular end (viz., the welfare of one’s beloved), understand love to be merely conative. However, he claims, love can have nothing to do with desires, offering as a counterexample the possibility of loving a troublemaking relation whom you do not want to be with, whose well being you do not want to promote, etc. Similarly, Badhwar (2003) argues that such a “teleological” view of love makes it mysterious how “we can continue to love someone long after death has taken him beyond harm or benefit” (p. 46). Moreover Badhwar argues, if love is essentially a desire, then it implies that we lack something; yet love does not imply this and, indeed, can be felt most strongly at times when we feel our lives most complete and lacking in nothing. Consequently, Velleman and Badhwar conclude, love need not involve any desire or concern for the well-being of one’s beloved.

This conclusion, however, seems too hasty, for such examples can be accommodated within the robust concern view. Thus, the concern for your relative in Velleman’s example can be understood to be present but swamped by other, more powerful desires to avoid him. Indeed, keeping the idea that you want to some degree to benefit him, an idea Velleman rejects, seems to be essential to understanding the conceptual tension between loving someone and not wanting to help him, a tension Velleman does not fully acknowledge. Similarly, continued love for someone who has died can be understood on the robust concern view as parasitic on the former love you had for him when he was still alive: your desires to benefit him get transformed, through your subsequent understanding of the impossibility of doing so, into wishes. [ 7 ] Finally, the idea of concern for your beloved’s well-being need not imply the idea that you lack something, for such concern can be understood in terms of the disposition to be vigilant for occasions when you can come to his aid and consequently to have the relevant occurrent desires. All of this seems fully compatible with the robust concern view.

One might also question whether Velleman and Badhwar make proper use of their examples of loving your meddlesome relation or someone who has died. For although we can understand these as genuine cases of love, they are nonetheless deficient cases and ought therefore be understood as parasitic on the standard cases. Readily to accommodate such deficient cases of love into a philosophical analysis as being on a par with paradigm cases, and to do so without some special justification, is dubious.

Nonetheless, the robust concern view as it stands does not seem properly able to account for the intuitive “depth” of love and so does not seem properly to distinguish loving from liking. Although, as noted above, the robust concern view can begin to make some sense of the way in which the lover’s identity is altered by the beloved, it understands this only an effect of love, and not as a central part of what love consists in.

This vague thought is nicely developed by Wonderly (2017), who emphasizes that in addition to the sort of disinterested concern for another that is central to robust-concern accounts of love, an essential part of at least romantic love is the idea that in loving someone I must find them to be not merely important for their own sake but also important to me . Wonderly (2017) fleshes out what this “importance to me” involves in terms of the idea of attachment (developed in Wonderly 2016) that she argues can make sense of the intimacy and depth of love from within what remains fundamentally a robust-concern account. [ 8 ]

4. Love as Valuing

A third kind of view of love understands love to be a distinctive mode of valuing a person. As the distinction between eros and agape in Section 1 indicates, there are at least two ways to construe this in terms of whether the lover values the beloved because she is valuable, or whether the beloved comes to be valuable to the lover as a result of her loving him. The former view, which understands the lover as appraising the value of the beloved in loving him, is the topic of Section 4.1 , whereas the latter view, which understands her as bestowing value on him, will be discussed in Section 4.2 .

Velleman (1999, 2008) offers an appraisal view of love, understanding love to be fundamentally a matter of acknowledging and responding in a distinctive way to the value of the beloved. (For a very different appraisal view of love, see Kolodny 2003.) Understanding this more fully requires understanding both the kind of value of the beloved to which one responds and the distinctive kind of response to such value that love is. Nonetheless, it should be clear that what makes an account be an appraisal view of love is not the mere fact that love is understood to involve appraisal; many other accounts do so, and it is typical of robust concern accounts, for example (cf. the quote from Taylor above , Section 3 ). Rather, appraisal views are distinctive in understanding love to consist in that appraisal.

In articulating the kind of value love involves, Velleman, following Kant, distinguishes dignity from price. To have a price , as the economic metaphor suggests, is to have a value that can be compared to the value of other things with prices, such that it is intelligible to exchange without loss items of the same value. By contrast, to have dignity is to have a value such that comparisons of relative value become meaningless. Material goods are normally understood to have prices, but we persons have dignity: no substitution of one person for another can preserve exactly the same value, for something of incomparable worth would be lost (and gained) in such a substitution.

On this Kantian view, our dignity as persons consists in our rational nature: our capacity both to be actuated by reasons that we autonomously provide ourselves in setting our own ends and to respond appropriately to the intrinsic values we discover in the world. Consequently, one important way in which we exercise our rational natures is to respond with respect to the dignity of other persons (a dignity that consists in part in their capacity for respect): respect just is the required minimal response to the dignity of persons. What makes a response to a person be that of respect, Velleman claims, still following Kant, is that it “arrests our self-love” and thereby prevents us from treating him as a means to our ends (p. 360).

Given this, Velleman claims that love is similarly a response to the dignity of persons, and as such it is the dignity of the object of our love that justifies that love. However, love and respect are different kinds of responses to the same value. For love arrests not our self-love but rather

our tendencies toward emotional self-protection from another person, tendencies to draw ourselves in and close ourselves off from being affected by him. Love disarms our emotional defenses; it makes us vulnerable to the other. [1999, p. 361]

This means that the concern, attraction, sympathy, etc. that we normally associate with love are not constituents of love but are rather its normal effects, and love can remain without them (as in the case of the love for a meddlesome relative one cannot stand being around). Moreover, this provides Velleman with a clear account of the intuitive “depth” of love: it is essentially a response to persons as such, and to say that you love your dog is therefore to be confused.

Of course, we do not respond with love to the dignity of every person we meet, nor are we somehow required to: love, as the disarming of our emotional defenses in a way that makes us especially vulnerable to another, is the optional maximal response to others’ dignity. What, then, explains the selectivity of love—why I love some people and not others? The answer lies in the contingent fit between the way some people behaviorally express their dignity as persons and the way I happen to respond to those expressions by becoming emotionally vulnerable to them. The right sort of fit makes someone “lovable” by me (1999, p. 372), and my responding with love in these cases is a matter of my “really seeing” this person in a way that I fail to do with others who do not fit with me in this way. By ‘lovable’ here Velleman seems to mean able to be loved, not worthy of being loved, for nothing Velleman says here speaks to a question about the justification of my loving this person rather than that. Rather, what he offers is an explanation of the selectivity of my love, an explanation that as a matter of fact makes my response be that of love rather than mere respect.

This understanding of the selectivity of love as something that can be explained but not justified is potentially troubling. For we ordinarily think we can justify not only my loving you rather than someone else but also and more importantly the constancy of my love: my continuing to love you even as you change in certain fundamental ways (but not others). As Delaney (1996, p. 347) puts the worry about constancy:

while you seem to want it to be true that, were you to become a schmuck, your lover would continue to love you,…you also want it to be the case that your lover would never love a schmuck.

The issue here is not merely that we can offer explanations of the selectivity of my love, of why I do not love schmucks; rather, at issue is the discernment of love, of loving and continuing to love for good reasons as well as of ceasing to love for good reasons. To have these good reasons seems to involve attributing different values to you now rather than formerly or rather than to someone else, yet this is precisely what Velleman denies is the case in making the distinction between love and respect the way he does.

It is also questionable whether Velleman can even explain the selectivity of love in terms of the “fit” between your expressions and my sensitivities. For the relevant sensitivities on my part are emotional sensitivities: the lowering of my emotional defenses and so becoming emotionally vulnerable to you. Thus, I become vulnerable to the harms (or goods) that befall you and so sympathetically feel your pain (or joy). Such emotions are themselves assessable for warrant, and now we can ask why my disappointment that you lost the race is warranted, but my being disappointed that a mere stranger lost would not be warranted. The intuitive answer is that I love you but not him. However, this answer is unavailable to Velleman, because he thinks that what makes my response to your dignity that of love rather than respect is precisely that I feel such emotions, and to appeal to my love in explaining the emotions therefore seems viciously circular.

Although these problems are specific to Velleman’s account, the difficulty can be generalized to any appraisal account of love (such as that offered in Kolodny 2003). For if love is an appraisal, it needs to be distinguished from other forms of appraisal, including our evaluative judgments. On the one hand, to try to distinguish love as an appraisal from other appraisals in terms of love’s having certain effects on our emotional and motivational life (as on Velleman’s account) is unsatisfying because it ignores part of what needs to be explained: why the appraisal of love has these effects and yet judgments with the same evaluative content do not. Indeed, this question is crucial if we are to understand the intuitive “depth” of love, for without an answer to this question we do not understand why love should have the kind of centrality in our lives it manifestly does. [ 9 ] On the other hand, to bundle this emotional component into the appraisal itself would be to turn the view into either the robust concern view ( Section 3 ) or a variant of the emotion view ( Section 5.1 ).

In contrast to Velleman, Singer (1991, 1994, 2009) understands love to be fundamentally a matter of bestowing value on the beloved. To bestow value on another is to project a kind of intrinsic value onto him. Indeed, this fact about love is supposed to distinguish love from liking: “Love is an attitude with no clear objective,” whereas liking is inherently teleological (1991, p. 272). As such, there are no standards of correctness for bestowing such value, and this is how love differs from other personal attitudes like gratitude, generosity, and condescension: “love…confers importance no matter what the object is worth” (p. 273). Consequently, Singer thinks, love is not an attitude that can be justified in any way.

What is it, exactly, to bestow this kind of value on someone? It is, Singer says, a kind of attachment and commitment to the beloved, in which one comes to treat him as an end in himself and so to respond to his ends, interests, concerns, etc. as having value for their own sake. This means in part that the bestowal of value reveals itself “by caring about the needs and interests of the beloved, by wishing to benefit or protect her, by delighting in her achievements,” etc. (p. 270). This sounds very much like the robust concern view, yet the bestowal view differs in understanding such robust concern to be the effect of the bestowal of value that is love rather than itself what constitutes love: in bestowing value on my beloved, I make him be valuable in such a way that I ought to respond with robust concern.

For it to be intelligible that I have bestowed value on someone, I must therefore respond appropriately to him as valuable, and this requires having some sense of what his well-being is and of what affects that well-being positively or negatively. Yet having this sense requires in turn knowing what his strengths and deficiencies are, and this is a matter of appraising him in various ways. Bestowal thus presupposes a kind of appraisal, as a way of “really seeing” the beloved and attending to him. Nonetheless, Singer claims, it is the bestowal that is primary for understanding what love consists in: the appraisal is required only so that the commitment to one’s beloved and his value as thus bestowed has practical import and is not “a blind submission to some unknown being” (1991, p. 272; see also Singer 1994, pp. 139ff).

Singer is walking a tightrope in trying to make room for appraisal in his account of love. Insofar as the account is fundamentally a bestowal account, Singer claims that love cannot be justified, that we bestow the relevant kind of value “gratuitously.” This suggests that love is blind, that it does not matter what our beloved is like, which seems patently false. Singer tries to avoid this conclusion by appealing to the role of appraisal: it is only because we appraise another as having certain virtues and vices that we come to bestow value on him. Yet the “because” here, since it cannot justify the bestowal, is at best a kind of contingent causal explanation. [ 10 ] In this respect, Singer’s account of the selectivity of love is much the same as Velleman’s, and it is liable to the same criticism: it makes unintelligible the way in which our love can be discerning for better or worse reasons. Indeed, this failure to make sense of the idea that love can be justified is a problem for any bestowal view. For either (a) a bestowal itself cannot be justified (as on Singer’s account), in which case the justification of love is impossible, or (b) a bestowal can be justified, in which case it is hard to make sense of value as being bestowed rather than there antecedently in the object as the grounds of that “bestowal.”

More generally, a proponent of the bestowal view needs to be much clearer than Singer is in articulating precisely what a bestowal is. What is the value that I create in a bestowal, and how can my bestowal create it? On a crude Humean view, the answer might be that the value is something projected onto the world through my pro-attitudes, like desire. Yet such a view would be inadequate, since the projected value, being relative to a particular individual, would do no theoretical work, and the account would essentially be a variant of the robust concern view. Moreover, in providing a bestowal account of love, care is needed to distinguish love from other personal attitudes such as admiration and respect: do these other attitudes involve bestowal? If so, how does the bestowal in these cases differ from the bestowal of love? If not, why not, and what is so special about love that requires a fundamentally different evaluative attitude than admiration and respect?

Nonetheless, there is a kernel of truth in the bestowal view: there is surely something right about the idea that love is creative and not merely a response to antecedent value, and accounts of love that understand the kind of evaluation implicit in love merely in terms of appraisal seem to be missing something. Precisely what may be missed will be discussed below in Section 6 .

Perhaps there is room for an understanding of love and its relation to value that is intermediate between appraisal and bestowal accounts. After all, if we think of appraisal as something like perception, a matter of responding to what is out there in the world, and of bestowal as something like action, a matter of doing something and creating something, we should recognize that the responsiveness central to appraisal may itself depend on our active, creative choices. Thus, just as we must recognize that ordinary perception depends on our actively directing our attention and deploying concepts, interpretations, and even arguments in order to perceive things accurately, so too we might think our vision of our beloved’s valuable properties that is love also depends on our actively attending to and interpreting him. Something like this is Jollimore’s view (2011). According to Jollimore, in loving someone we actively attend to his valuable properties in a way that we take to provide us with reasons to treat him preferentially. Although we may acknowledge that others might have such properties even to a greater degree than our beloved does, we do not attend to and appreciate such properties in others in the same way we do those in our beloveds; indeed, we find our appreciation of our beloved’s valuable properties to “silence” our similar appreciation of those in others. (In this way, Jollimore thinks, we can solve the problem of fungibility, discussed below in Section 6 .) Likewise, in perceiving our beloved’s actions and character, we do so through the lens of such an appreciation, which will tend as to “silence” interpretations inconsistent with that appreciation. In this way, love involves finding one’s beloved to be valuable in a way that involves elements of both appraisal (insofar as one must thereby be responsive to valuable properties one’s beloved really has) and bestowal (insofar as through one’s attention and committed appreciation of these properties they come to have special significance for one).

One might object that this conception of love as silencing the special value of others or to negative interpretations of our beloveds is irrational in a way that love is not. For, it might seem, such “silencing” is merely a matter of our blinding ourselves to how things really are. Yet Jollimore claims that this sense in which love is blind is not objectionable, for (a) we can still intellectually recognize the things that love’s vision silences, and (b) there really is no impartial perspective we can take on the values things have, and love is one appropriate sort of partial perspective from which the value of persons can be manifest. Nonetheless, one might wonder about whether that perspective of love itself can be distorted and what the norms are in terms of which such distortions are intelligible. Furthermore, it may seem that Jollimore’s attempt to reconcile appraisal and bestowal fails to appreciate the underlying metaphysical difficulty: appraisal is a response to value that is antecedently there, whereas bestowal is the creation of value that was not antecedently there. Consequently, it might seem, appraisal and bestowal are mutually exclusive and cannot be reconciled in the way Jollimore hopes.

Whereas Jollimore tries to combine separate elements of appraisal and of bestowal in a single account, Helm (2010) and Bagley (2015) offer accounts that reject the metaphysical presupposition that values must be either prior to love (as with appraisal) or posterior to love (as with bestowal), instead understanding the love and the values to emerge simultaneously. Thus, Helm presents a detailed account of valuing in terms of the emotions, arguing that while we can understand individual emotions as appraisals , responding to values already their in their objects, these values are bestowed on those objects via broad, holistic patterns of emotions. How this amounts to an account of love will be discussed in Section 5.2 , below. Bagley (2015) instead appeals to a metaphor of improvisation, arguing that just as jazz musicians jointly make determinate the content of their musical ideas through on-going processes of their expression, so too lovers jointly engage in “deep improvisation”, thereby working out of their values and identities through the on-going process of living their lives together. These values are thus something the lovers jointly construct through the process of recognizing and responding to those very values. To love someone is thus to engage with them as partners in such “deep improvisation”. (This account is similar to Helm (2008, 2010)’s account of plural agency, which he uses to provide an account of friendship and other loving relationships; see the discussion of shared activity in the entry on friendship .)

5. Emotion Views

Given these problems with the accounts of love as valuing, perhaps we should turn to the emotions. For emotions just are responses to objects that combine evaluation, motivation, and a kind of phenomenology, all central features of the attitude of love.

Many accounts of love claim that it is an emotion; these include: Wollheim 1984, Rorty 1986/1993, Brown 1987, Hamlyn 1989, Baier 1991, and Badhwar 2003. [ 11 ] Thus, Hamlyn (1989, p. 219) says:

It would not be a plausible move to defend any theory of the emotions to which love and hate seemed exceptions by saying that love and hate are after all not emotions. I have heard this said, but it does seem to me a desperate move to make. If love and hate are not emotions what is?

The difficulty with this claim, as Rorty (1980) argues, is that the word, ‘emotion,’ does not seem to pick out a homogeneous collection of mental states, and so various theories claiming that love is an emotion mean very different things. Consequently, what are here labeled “emotion views” are divided into those that understand love to be a particular kind of evaluative-cum-motivational response to an object, whether that response is merely occurrent or dispositional (‘emotions proper,’ see Section 5.1 , below), and those that understand love to involve a collection of related and interconnected emotions proper (‘emotion complexes,’ see Section 5.2 , below).

An emotion proper is a kind of “evaluative-cum-motivational response to an object”; what does this mean? Emotions are generally understood to have several objects. The target of an emotion is that at which the emotion is directed: if I am afraid or angry at you, then you are the target. In responding to you with fear or anger, I am implicitly evaluating you in a particular way, and this evaluation—called the formal object —is the kind of evaluation of the target that is distinctive of a particular emotion type. Thus, in fearing you, I implicitly evaluate you as somehow dangerous, whereas in being angry at you I implicitly evaluate you as somehow offensive. Yet emotions are not merely evaluations of their targets; they in part motivate us to behave in certain ways, both rationally (by motivating action to avoid the danger) and arationally (via certain characteristic expressions, such as slamming a door out of anger). Moreover, emotions are generally understood to involve a phenomenological component, though just how to understand the characteristic “feel” of an emotion and its relation to the evaluation and motivation is hotly disputed. Finally, emotions are typically understood to be passions: responses that we feel imposed on us as if from the outside, rather than anything we actively do. (For more on the philosophy of emotions, see entry on emotion .)

What then are we saying when we say that love is an emotion proper? According to Brown (1987, p. 14), emotions as occurrent mental states are “abnormal bodily changes caused by the agent’s evaluation or appraisal of some object or situation that the agent believes to be of concern to him or her.” He spells this out by saying that in love, we “cherish” the person for having “a particular complex of instantiated qualities” that is “open-ended” so that we can continue to love the person even as she changes over time (pp. 106–7). These qualities, which include historical and relational qualities, are evaluated in love as worthwhile. [ 12 ] All of this seems aimed at spelling out what love’s formal object is, a task that is fundamental to understanding love as an emotion proper. Thus, Brown seems to say that love’s formal object is just being worthwhile (or, given his examples, perhaps: worthwhile as a person), and he resists being any more specific than this in order to preserve the open-endedness of love. Hamlyn (1989) offers a similar account, saying (p. 228):

With love the difficulty is to find anything of this kind [i.e., a formal object] which is uniquely appropriate to love. My thesis is that there is nothing of this kind that must be so, and that this differentiates it and hate from the other emotions.

Hamlyn goes on to suggest that love and hate might be primordial emotions, a kind of positive or negative “feeling towards,” presupposed by all other emotions. [ 13 ]

The trouble with these accounts of love as an emotion proper is that they provide too thin a conception of love. In Hamlyn’s case, love is conceived as a fairly generic pro-attitude, rather than as the specific kind of distinctively personal attitude discussed here. In Brown’s case, spelling out the formal object of love as simply being worthwhile (as a person) fails to distinguish love from other evaluative responses like admiration and respect. Part of the problem seems to be the rather simple account of what an emotion is that Brown and Hamlyn use as their starting point: if love is an emotion, then the understanding of what an emotion is must be enriched considerably to accommodate love. Yet it is not at all clear whether the idea of an “emotion proper” can be adequately enriched so as to do so. As Pismenny & Prinz (2017) point out, love seems to be too varied both in its ground and in the sort of experience it involves to be capturable by a single emotion.

The emotion complex view, which understands love to be a complex emotional attitude towards another person, may initially seem to hold out great promise to overcome the problems of alternative types of views. By articulating the emotional interconnections between persons, it could offer a satisfying account of the “depth” of love without the excesses of the union view and without the overly narrow teleological focus of the robust concern view; and because these emotional interconnections are themselves evaluations, it could offer an understanding of love as simultaneously evaluative, without needing to specify a single formal object of love. However, the devil is in the details.

Rorty (1986/1993) does not try to present a complete account of love; rather, she focuses on the idea that “relational psychological attitudes” which, like love, essentially involve emotional and desiderative responses, exhibit historicity : “they arise from, and are shaped by, dynamic interactions between a subject and an object” (p. 73). In part this means that what makes an attitude be one of love is not the presence of a state that we can point to at a particular time within the lover; rather, love is to be “identified by a characteristic narrative history” (p. 75). Moreover, Rorty argues, the historicity of love involves the lover’s being permanently transformed by loving who he does.

Baier (1991), seeming to pick up on this understanding of love as exhibiting historicity, says (p. 444):

Love is not just an emotion people feel toward other people, but also a complex tying together of the emotions that two or a few more people have; it is a special form of emotional interdependence.

To a certain extent, such emotional interdependence involves feeling sympathetic emotions, so that, for example, I feel disappointed and frustrated on behalf of my beloved when she fails, and joyful when she succeeds. However, Baier insists, love is “more than just the duplication of the emotion of each in a sympathetic echo in the other” (p. 442); the emotional interdependence of the lovers involves also appropriate follow-up responses to the emotional predicaments of your beloved. Two examples Baier gives (pp. 443–44) are a feeling of “mischievous delight” at your beloved’s temporary bafflement, and amusement at her embarrassment. The idea is that in a loving relationship your beloved gives you permission to feel such emotions when no one else is permitted to do so, and a condition of her granting you that permission is that you feel these emotions “tenderly.” Moreover, you ought to respond emotionally to your beloved’s emotional responses to you: by feeling hurt when she is indifferent to you, for example. All of these foster the sort of emotional interdependence Baier is after—a kind of intimacy you have with your beloved.

Badhwar (2003, p. 46) similarly understands love to be a matter of “one’s overall emotional orientation towards a person—the complex of perceptions, thoughts, and feelings”; as such, love is a matter of having a certain “character structure.” Central to this complex emotional orientation, Badhwar thinks, is what she calls the “look of love”: “an ongoing [emotional] affirmation of the loved object as worthy of existence…for her own sake” (p. 44), an affirmation that involves taking pleasure in your beloved’s well-being. Moreover, Badhwar claims, the look of love also provides to the beloved reliable testimony concerning the quality of the beloved’s character and actions (p. 57).

There is surely something very right about the idea that love, as an attitude central to deeply personal relationships, should not be understood as a state that can simply come and go. Rather, as the emotion complex view insists, the complexity of love is to be found in the historical patterns of one’s emotional responsiveness to one’s beloved—a pattern that also projects into the future. Indeed, as suggested above, the kind of emotional interdependence that results from this complex pattern can seem to account for the intuitive “depth” of love as fully interwoven into one’s emotional sense of oneself. And it seems to make some headway in understanding the complex phenomenology of love: love can at times be a matter of intense pleasure in the presence of one’s beloved, yet it can at other times involve frustration, exasperation, anger, and hurt as a manifestation of the complexities and depth of the relationships it fosters.

This understanding of love as constituted by a history of emotional interdependence enables emotion complex views to say something interesting about the impact love has on the lover’s identity. This is partly Rorty’s point (1986/1993) in her discussion of the historicity of love ( above ). Thus, she argues, one important feature of such historicity is that love is “ dynamically permeable ” in that the lover is continually “changed by loving” such that these changes “tend to ramify through a person’s character” (p. 77). Through such dynamic permeability, love transforms the identity of the lover in a way that can sometimes foster the continuity of the love, as each lover continually changes in response to the changes in the other. [ 14 ] Indeed, Rorty concludes, love should be understood in terms of “a characteristic narrative history” (p. 75) that results from such dynamic permeability. It should be clear, however, that the mere fact of dynamic permeability need not result in the love’s continuing: nothing about the dynamics of a relationship requires that the characteristic narrative history project into the future, and such permeability can therefore lead to the dissolution of the love. Love is therefore risky—indeed, all the more risky because of the way the identity of the lover is defined in part through the love. The loss of a love can therefore make one feel no longer oneself in ways poignantly described by Nussbaum (1990).

By focusing on such emotionally complex histories, emotion complex views differ from most alternative accounts of love. For alternative accounts tend to view love as a kind of attitude we take toward our beloveds, something we can analyze simply in terms of our mental state at the moment. [ 15 ] By ignoring this historical dimension of love in providing an account of what love is, alternative accounts have a hard time providing either satisfying accounts of the sense in which our identities as person are at stake in loving another or satisfactory solutions to problems concerning how love is to be justified (cf. Section 6 , especially the discussion of fungibility ).

Nonetheless, some questions remain. If love is to be understood as an emotion complex, we need a much more explicit account of the pattern at issue here: what ties all of these emotional responses together into a single thing, namely love? Baier and Badhwar seem content to provide interesting and insightful examples of this pattern, but that does not seem to be enough. For example, what connects my amusement at my beloved’s embarrassment to other emotions like my joy on his behalf when he succeeds? Why shouldn’t my amusement at his embarrassment be understood instead as a somewhat cruel case of schadenfreude and so as antithetical to, and disconnected from, love? Moreover, as Naar (2013) notes, we need a principled account of when such historical patterns are disrupted in such a way as to end the love and when they are not. Do I stop loving when, in the midst of clinical depression, I lose my normal pattern of emotional concern?

Presumably the answer requires returning to the historicity of love: it all depends on the historical details of the relationship my beloved and I have forged. Some loves develop so that the intimacy within the relationship is such as to allow for tender, teasing responses to each other, whereas other loves may not. The historical details, together with the lovers’ understanding of their relationship, presumably determine which emotional responses belong to the pattern constitutive of love and which do not. However, this answer so far is inadequate: not just any historical relationship involving emotional interdependence is a loving relationship, and we need a principled way of distinguishing loving relationships from other relational evaluative attitudes: precisely what is the characteristic narrative history that is characteristic of love?

Helm (2009, 2010) tries to answer some of these questions in presenting an account of love as intimate identification. To love another, Helm claims, is to care about him as the particular person he is and so, other things being equal, to value the things he values. Insofar as a person’s (structured) set of values—his sense of the kind of life worth his living—constitutes his identity as a person, such sharing of values amounts to sharing his identity, which sounds very much like union accounts of love. However, Helm is careful to understand such sharing of values as for the sake of the beloved (as robust concern accounts insist), and he spells this all out in terms of patterns of emotions. Thus, Helm claims, all emotions have not only a target and a formal object (as indicated above), but also a focus : a background object the subject cares about in terms of which the implicit evaluation of the target is made intelligible. (For example, if I am afraid of the approaching hailstorm, I thereby evaluate it as dangerous, and what explains this evaluation is the way that hailstorm bears on my vegetable garden, which I care about; my garden, therefore, is the focus of my fear.) Moreover, emotions normally come in patterns with a common focus: fearing the hailstorm is normally connected to other emotions as being relieved when it passes by harmlessly (or disappointed or sad when it does not), being angry at the rabbits for killing the spinach, delighted at the productivity of the tomato plants, etc. Helm argues that a projectible pattern of such emotions with a common focus constitute caring about that focus. Consequently, we might say along the lines of Section 4.3 , while particular emotions appraise events in the world as having certain evaluative properties, their having these properties is partly bestowed on them by the overall patterns of emotions.

Helm identifies some emotions as person-focused emotions : emotions like pride and shame that essentially take persons as their focuses, for these emotions implicitly evaluate in terms of the target’s bearing on the quality of life of the person that is their focus. To exhibit a pattern of such emotions focused on oneself and subfocused on being a mother, for example, is to care about the place being a mother has in the kind of life you find worth living—in your identity as a person; to care in this way is to value being a mother as a part of your concern for your own identity. Likewise, to exhibit a projectible pattern of such emotions focused on someone else and subfocused on his being a father is to value this as a part of your concern for his identity—to value it for his sake. Such sharing of another’s values for his sake, which, Helm argues, essentially involves trust, respect, and affection, amounts to intimate identification with him, and such intimate identification just is love. Thus, Helm tries to provide an account of love that is grounded in an explicit account of caring (and caring about something for the sake of someone else) that makes room for the intuitive “depth” of love through intimate identification.

Jaworska & Wonderly (2017) argue that Helm’s construal of intimacy as intimate identification is too demanding. Rather, they argue, the sort of intimacy that distinguishes love from mere caring is one that involves a kind of emotional vulnerability in which things going well or poorly for one’s beloved are directly connected not merely to one’s well-being, but to one’s ability to flourish. This connection, they argue, runs through the lover’s self-understanding and the place the beloved has in the lover’s sense of a meaningful life.

Why do we love? It has been suggested above that any account of love needs to be able to answer some such justificatory question. Although the issue of the justification of love is important on its own, it is also important for the implications it has for understanding more clearly the precise object of love: how can we make sense of the intuitions not only that we love the individuals themselves rather than their properties, but also that my beloved is not fungible—that no one could simply take her place without loss. Different theories approach these questions in different ways, but, as will become clear below, the question of justification is primary.

One way to understand the question of why we love is as asking for what the value of love is: what do we get out of it? One kind of answer, which has its roots in Aristotle, is that having loving relationships promotes self-knowledge insofar as your beloved acts as a kind of mirror, reflecting your character back to you (Badhwar, 2003, p. 58). Of course, this answer presupposes that we cannot accurately know ourselves in other ways: that left alone, our sense of ourselves will be too imperfect, too biased, to help us grow and mature as persons. The metaphor of a mirror also suggests that our beloveds will be in the relevant respects similar to us, so that merely by observing them, we can come to know ourselves better in a way that is, if not free from bias, at least more objective than otherwise.

Brink (1999, pp. 264–65) argues that there are serious limits to the value of such mirroring of one’s self in a beloved. For if the aim is not just to know yourself better but to improve yourself, you ought also to interact with others who are not just like yourself: interacting with such diverse others can help you recognize alternative possibilities for how to live and so better assess the relative merits of these possibilities. Whiting (2013) also emphasizes the importance of our beloveds’ having an independent voice capable of reflecting not who one now is but an ideal for who one is to be. Nonetheless, we need not take the metaphor of the mirror quite so literally; rather, our beloveds can reflect our selves not through their inherent similarity to us but rather through the interpretations they offer of us, both explicitly and implicitly in their responses to us. This is what Badhwar calls the “epistemic significance” of love. [ 16 ]

In addition to this epistemic significance of love, LaFollette (1996, Chapter 5) offers several other reasons why it is good to love, reasons derived in part from the psychological literature on love: love increases our sense of well-being, it elevates our sense of self-worth, and it serves to develop our character. It also, we might add, tends to lower stress and blood pressure and to increase health and longevity. Friedman (1993) argues that the kind of partiality towards our beloveds that love involves is itself morally valuable because it supports relationships—loving relationships—that contribute “to human well-being, integrity, and fulfillment in life” (p. 61). And Solomon (1988, p. 155) claims:

Ultimately, there is only one reason for love. That one grand reason…is “because we bring out the best in each other.” What counts as “the best,” of course, is subject to much individual variation.

This is because, Solomon suggests, in loving someone, I want myself to be better so as to be worthy of his love for me.

Each of these answers to the question of why we love understands it to be asking about love quite generally, abstracted away from details of particular relationships. It is also possible to understand the question as asking about particular loves. Here, there are several questions that are relevant:

• What, if anything, justifies my loving rather than not loving this particular person?
• What, if anything, justifies my coming to love this particular person rather than someone else?
• What, if anything, justifies my continuing to love this particular person given the changes—both in him and me and in the overall circumstances—that have occurred since I began loving him?

These are importantly different questions. Velleman (1999), for example, thinks we can answer (1) by appealing to the fact that my beloved is a person and so has a rational nature, yet he thinks (2) and (3) have no answers: the best we can do is offer causal explanations for our loving particular people, a position echoed by Han (2021). Setiya (2014) similarly thinks (1) has an answer, but points not to the rational nature of persons but rather to the other’s humanity , where such humanity differs from personhood in that not all humans need have the requisite rational nature for personhood, and not all persons need be humans. And, as will become clear below , the distinction between (2) and (3) will become important in resolving puzzles concerning whether our beloveds are fungible, though it should be clear that (3) potentially raises questions concerning personal identity (which will not be addressed here).

It is important not to misconstrue these justificatory questions. Thomas (1991) , for example, rejects the idea that love can be justified: “there are no rational considerations whereby anyone can lay claim to another’s love or insist that an individual’s love for another is irrational” (p. 474). This is because, Thomas claims (p. 471):

no matter how wonderful and lovely an individual might be, on any and all accounts, it is simply false that a romantically unencumbered person must love that individual on pain of being irrational. Or, there is no irrationality involved in ceasing to love a person whom one once loved immensely, although the person has not changed.

However, as LaFollette (1996, p. 63) correctly points out,

reason is not some external power which dictates how we should behave, but an internal power, integral to who we are.… Reason does not command that we love anyone. Nonetheless, reason is vital in determining whom we love and why we love them.

That is, reasons for love are pro tanto : they are a part of the overall reasons we have for acting, and it is up to us in exercising our capacity for agency to decide what on balance we have reason to do or even whether we shall act contrary to our reasons. To construe the notion of a reason for love as compelling us to love, as Thomas does, is to misconstrue the place such reasons have within our agency. [ 17 ]

Most philosophical discussions of the justification of love focus on question (1) , thinking that answering this question will also, to the extent that we can, answer question (2) , which is typically not distinguished from (3) . The answers given to these questions vary in a way that turns on how the kind of evaluation implicit in love is construed. On the one hand, those who understand the evaluation implicit in love to be a matter of the bestowal of value (such as Telfer 1970–71; Friedman 1993; Singer 1994) typically claim that no justification can be given (cf. Section 4.2 ). As indicated above, this seems problematic, especially given the importance love can have both in our lives and, especially, in shaping our identities as persons. To reject the idea that we can love for reasons may reduce the impact our agency can have in defining who we are.

On the other hand, those who understand the evaluation implicit in love to be a matter of appraisal tend to answer the justificatory question by appeal to these valuable properties of the beloved. This acceptance of the idea that love can be justified leads to two further, related worries about the object of love.

The first worry is raised by Vlastos (1981) in a discussion Plato’s and Aristotle’s accounts of love. Vlastos notes that these accounts focus on the properties of our beloveds: we are to love people, they say, only because and insofar as they are objectifications of the excellences. Consequently, he argues, in doing so they fail to distinguish “ disinterested affection for the person we love” from “ appreciation of the excellences instantiated by that person ” (p. 33). That is, Vlastos thinks that Plato and Aristotle provide an account of love that is really a love of properties rather than a love of persons—love of a type of person, rather than love of a particular person—thereby losing what is distinctive about love as an essentially personal attitude. This worry about Plato and Aristotle might seem to apply just as well to other accounts that justify love in terms of the properties of the person: insofar as we love the person for the sake of her properties, it might seem that what we love is those properties and not the person. Here it is surely insufficient to say, as Solomon (1988, p. 154) does, “if love has its reasons, then it is not the whole person that one loves but certain aspects of that person—though the rest of the person comes along too, of course”: that final tagline fails to address the central difficulty about what the object of love is and so about love as a distinctly personal attitude. (Clausen 2019 might seem to address this worry by arguing that we love people not as having certain properties but rather as having “ organic unities ”: a holistic set of properties the value of each of which must be understood in essential part in terms of its place within that whole. Nonetheless, while this is an interesting and plausible way to think about the value of the properties of persons, that organic unity itself will be a (holistic) property held by the person, and it seems that the fundamental problem reemerges at the level of this holistic property: do we love the holistic unity rather than the person?)

The second worry concerns the fungibility of the object of love. To be fungible is to be replaceable by another relevantly similar object without any loss of value. Thus, money is fungible: I can give you two $5 bills in exchange for a $10 bill, and neither of us has lost anything. Is the object of love fungible? That is, can I simply switch from loving one person to loving another relevantly similar person without any loss? The worry about fungibility is commonly put this way: if we accept that love can be justified by appealing to properties of the beloved, then it may seem that in loving someone for certain reasons, I love him not simply as the individual he is, but as instantiating those properties. And this may imply that any other person instantiating those same properties would do just as well: my beloved would be fungible. Indeed, it may be that another person exhibits the properties that ground my love to a greater degree than my current beloved does, and so it may seem that in such a case I have reason to “trade up”—to switch my love to the new, better person. However, it seems clear that the objects of our loves are not fungible: love seems to involve a deeply personal commitment to a particular person, a commitment that is antithetical to the idea that our beloveds are fungible or to the idea that we ought to be willing to trade up when possible. [ 18 ]

In responding to these worries, Nozick (1989) appeals to the union view of love he endorses (see the section on Love as Union ):

The intention in love is to form a we and to identify with it as an extended self, to identify one’s fortunes in large part with its fortunes. A willingness to trade up, to destroy the very we you largely identify with, would then be a willingness to destroy your self in the form of your own extended self. [p. 78]

So it is because love involves forming a “we” that we must understand other persons and not properties to be the objects of love, and it is because my very identity as a person depends essentially on that “we” that it is not possible to substitute without loss one object of my love for another. However, Badhwar (2003) criticizes Nozick, saying that his response implies that once I love someone, I cannot abandon that love no matter who that person becomes; this, she says, “cannot be understood as love at all rather than addiction” (p. 61). [ 19 ]

Instead, Badhwar (1987) turns to her robust-concern account of love as a concern for the beloved for his sake rather than one’s own. Insofar as my love is disinterested — not a means to antecedent ends of my own—it would be senseless to think that my beloved could be replaced by someone who is able to satisfy my ends equally well or better. Consequently, my beloved is in this way irreplaceable. However, this is only a partial response to the worry about fungibility, as Badhwar herself seems to acknowledge. For the concern over fungibility arises not merely for those cases in which we think of love as justified instrumentally, but also for those cases in which the love is justified by the intrinsic value of the properties of my beloved. Confronted with cases like this, Badhwar (2003) concludes that the object of love is fungible after all (though she insists that it is very unlikely in practice). (Soble (1990, Chapter 13) draws similar conclusions.)

Nonetheless, Badhwar thinks that the object of love is “phenomenologically non-fungible” (2003, p. 63; see also 1987, p. 14). By this she means that we experience our beloveds to be irreplaceable: “loving and delighting in [one person] are not completely commensurate with loving and delighting in another” (1987, p. 14). Love can be such that we sometimes desire to be with this particular person whom we love, not another whom we also love, for our loves are qualitatively different. But why is this? It seems as though the typical reason I now want to spend time with Amy rather than Bob is, for example, that Amy is funny but Bob is not. I love Amy in part for her humor, and I love Bob for other reasons, and these qualitative differences between them is what makes them not fungible. However, this reply does not address the worry about the possibility of trading up: if Bob were to be at least as funny (charming, kind, etc.) as Amy, why shouldn’t I dump her and spend all my time with him?

A somewhat different approach is taken by Whiting (1991). In response to the first worry concerning the object of love, Whiting argues that Vlastos offers a false dichotomy: having affection for someone that is disinterested —for her sake rather than my own—essentially involves an appreciation of her excellences as such. Indeed, Whiting says, my appreciation of these as excellences, and so the underlying commitment I have to their value, just is a disinterested commitment to her because these excellences constitute her identity as the person she is. The person, therefore, really is the object of love. Delaney (1996) takes the complementary tack of distinguishing between the object of one’s love, which of course is the person, and the grounds of the love, which are her properties: to say, as Solomon does, that we love someone for reasons is not at all to say that we only love certain aspects of the person. In these terms, we might say that Whiting’s rejection of Vlastos’ dichotomy can be read as saying that what makes my attitude be one of disinterested affection—one of love—for the person is precisely that I am thereby responding to her excellences as the reasons for that affection. [ 20 ]

Of course, more needs to be said about what it is that makes a particular person be the object of love. Implicit in Whiting’s account is an understanding of the way in which the object of my love is determined in part by the history of interactions I have with her: it is she, and not merely her properties (which might be instantiated in many different people), that I want to be with; it is she, and not merely her properties, on whose behalf I am concerned when she suffers and whom I seek to comfort; etc. This addresses the first worry, but not the second worry about fungibility, for the question still remains whether she is the object of my love only as instantiating certain properties, and so whether or not I have reason to “trade up.”

To respond to the fungibility worry, Whiting and Delaney appeal explicitly to the historical relationship. [ 21 ] Thus, Whiting claims, although there may be a relatively large pool of people who have the kind of excellences of character that would justify my loving them, and so although there can be no answer to question (2) about why I come to love this rather than that person within this pool, once I have come to love this person and so have developed a historical relation with her, this history of concern justifies my continuing to love this person rather than someone else (1991, p. 7). Similarly, Delaney claims that love is grounded in “historical-relational properties” (1996, p. 346), so that I have reasons for continuing to love this person rather than switching allegiances and loving someone else. In each case, the appeal to both such historical relations and the excellences of character of my beloved is intended to provide an answer to question (3) , and this explains why the objects of love are not fungible.

There seems to be something very much right with this response. Relationships grounded in love are essentially personal, and it would be odd to think of what justifies that love to be merely non-relational properties of the beloved. Nonetheless, it is still unclear how the historical-relational propreties can provide any additional justification for subsequent concern beyond that which is already provided (as an answer to question (1) ) by appeal to the excellences of the beloved’s character (cf. Brink 1999). The mere fact that I have loved someone in the past does not seem to justify my continuing to love him in the future. When we imagine that he is going through a rough time and begins to lose the virtues justifying my initial love for him, why shouldn’t I dump him and instead come to love someone new having all of those virtues more fully? Intuitively (unless the change she undergoes makes her in some important sense no longer the same person he was), we think I should not dump him, but the appeal to the mere fact that I loved him in the past is surely not enough. Yet what historical-relational properties could do the trick? (For an interesting attempt at an answer, see Kolodny 2003 and also Howard 2019.)

If we think that love can be justified, then it may seem that the appeal to particular historical facts about a loving relationship to justify that love is inadequate, for such idiosyncratic and subjective properties might explain but cannot justify love. Rather, it may seem, justification in general requires appealing to universal, objective properties. But such properties are ones that others might share, which leads to the problem of fungibility. Consequently it may seem that love cannot be justified. In the face of this predicament, accounts of love that understand love to be an attitude towards value that is intermediate between appraisal and bestowal, between recognizing already existing value and creating that value (see Section 4.3 ) might seem to offer a way out. For once we reject the thought that the value of our beloveds must be either the precondition or the consequence of our love, we have room to acknowledge that the deeply personal, historically grounded, creative nature of love (central to bestowal accounts) and the understanding of love as responsive to valuable properties of the beloved that can justify that love (central to appraisal accounts) are not mutually exclusive (Helm 2010; Bagley 2015).

• Annas, J., 1977, “Plato and Aristotle on Friendship and Altruism”, Mind , 86: 532–54.
• Badhwar, N. K., 1987, “Friends as Ends in Themselves”, Philosophy & Phenomenological Research , 48: 1–23.
• –––, 2003, “Love”, in H. LaFollette (ed.), Practical Ethics , Oxford: Oxford University Press, 42–69.
• Badhwar, N. K. (ed.), 1993, Friendship: A Philosophical Reader , Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press.
• Bagley, B., 2015, “Loving Someone in Particular”, Ethics , 125: 477–507.
• –––, 2018. “(The Varieties of) Love in Contemporary Anglophone Philosophy”, in Adrienne M. Martin (ed.), The Routledge Handbook of Love in Philosophy , New York, NY: Routledge, 453–64.
• Baier, A. C., 1991, “Unsafe Loves”, in Solomon & Higgins (1991), 433–50.
• Blum, L. A., 1980, Friendship, Altruism, and Morality , London: Routledge & Kegan Paul.
• –––, 1993, “Friendship as a Moral Phenomenon”, in Badhwar (1993), 192–210.
• Bransen, J., 2006, “Selfless Self-Love”, Ethical Theory and Moral Practice , 9: 3–25.
• Bratman, M. E., 1999, “Shared Intention”, in Faces of Intention: Selected Essays on Intention and Agency , Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 109–29.
• Brentlinger, J., 1970/1989, “The Nature of Love”, in Soble (1989a), 136–48.
• Brink, D. O., 1999, “Eudaimonism, Love and Friendship, and Political Community”, Social Philosophy & Policy , 16: 252–289.
• Brown, R., 1987, Analyzing Love , Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
• Clausen, G., 2019, “Love of Whole Persons”, The Journal of Ethics , 23 (4): 347–67.
• Cocking, D. & Kennett, J., 1998, “Friendship and the Self”, Ethics , 108: 502–27.
• Cooper, J. M., 1977, “Aristotle on the Forms of Friendship”, Review of Metaphysics , 30: 619–48.
• Delaney, N., 1996, “Romantic Love and Loving Commitment: Articulating a Modern Ideal”, American Philosophical Quarterly , 33: 375–405.
• Ebels-Duggan, K., 2008, “Against Beneficence: A Normative Account of Love”, Ethics , 119: 142–70.
• Fisher, M., 1990, Personal Love , London: Duckworth.
• Frankfurt, H., 1999, “Autonomy, Necessity, and Love”, in Necessity, Volition, and Love , Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 129–41.
• Friedman, M. A., 1993, What Are Friends For? Feminist Perspectives on Personal Relationships and Moral Theory , Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press.
• –––, 1998, “Romantic Love and Personal Autonomy”, Midwest Studies in Philosophy , 22: 162–81.
• Gilbert, M., 1989, On Social Facts , Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press.
• –––, 1996, Living Together: Rationality, Sociality, and Obligation , Rowman & Littlefield.
• –––, 2000, Sociality and Responsibility: New Essays in Plural Subject Theory , Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
• Grau, C. & Smuts, A., 2017, Oxford Handbook of the Philosophy of Love , Oxford: Oxford University Press.
• Hamlyn, D. W., 1989, “The Phenomena of Love and Hate”, in Soble (1989a), 218–234.
• Han, Y., 2021, “Do We Love for Reasons?”, Philosophy & Phenomenological Research , 102: 106–126.
• Hegel, G. W. F., 1997, “A Fragment on Love”, in Solomon & Higgins (1991), 117–20.
• Helm, B. W., 2008, “Plural Agents”, Noûs , 42: 17–49.
• –––, 2009, “Love, Identification, and the Emotions”, American Philosophical Quarterly , 46: 39–59.
• –––, 2010, Love, Friendship, and the Self: Intimacy, Identification, and the Social Nature of Persons , Oxford: Oxford University Press.
• Howard, C., 2019, “Fitting Love and Reasons for Loving” in M. Timmons (ed.), Oxford Studies in Normative Ethics (Volume 9). doi:10.1093/oso/9780198846253.001.0001
• Jaworska, A. & Wonderly, M., 2017, “Love and Caring”, in C. Grau & A. Smuts (2020). doi:10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199395729.013.15
• Jollimore, T, 2011, Love’s Vision , Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press.
• Kolodny, N., 2003, “Love as Valuing a Relationship”, The Philosophical Review , 112: 135–89.
• Kraut, Robert, 1986 “Love De Re ”, Midwest Studies in Philosophy , 10: 413–30.
• LaFollette, H., 1996, Personal Relationships: Love, Identity, and Morality , Cambridge, MA: Blackwell Press.
• Lamb, R. E., (ed.), 1997, Love Analyzed , Westview Press.
• Liddell, H. G., Scott, R., Jones, H. S., & McKenzie, R., 1940, A Greek-English Lexicon , Oxford: Clarendon Press, 9th edition.
• Martin, A., 2015, “Love, Incorporated”, Ethical Theory and Moral Practice , 18: 691–702.
• Montaigne, M., [E], Essays , in The Complete Essays of Montaigne , Donald Frame (trans.), Stanford: Stanford University Press, 1958.
• Naar, H., 2013, “A Dispositional Theory of Love”, Pacific Philosophical Quarterly , 94(3): 342–357.
• Newton-Smith, W., 1989, “A Conceptual Investigation of Love”, in Soble (1989a), 199–217.
• Nozick, R., 1989, “Love’s Bond”, in The Examined Life: Philosophical Meditations , New York: Simon & Schuster, 68–86.
• Nussbaum, M., 1990, “Love and the Individual: Romantic Rightness and Platonic Aspiration”, in Love’s Knowledge: Essays on Philosophy and Literature , Oxford: Oxford University Press, 314–34.
• Nygren, A., 1953a, Agape and Eros , Philadelphia, PA: Westminster Press.
• –––, 1953b, “ Agape and Eros ”, in Soble (1989a), 85–95.
• Ortiz-Millán, G., 2007, “Love and Rationality: On Some Possible Rational Effects of Love”, Kriterion , 48: 127–44.
• Pismenny, A. & Prinz, J., 2017, “Is Love an Emotion?”, in C. Grau & A. Smuts (2017). doi:10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199395729.013.10
• Price, A. W., 1989, Love and Friendship in Plato and Arisotle , New York: Clarendon Press.
• Rorty, A. O., 1980, “Introduction”, in A. O. Rorty (ed.), Explaining Emotions , Berkeley: University of California Press, 1–8.
• –––, 1986/1993, “The Historicity of Psychological Attitudes: Love is Not Love Which Alters Not When It Alteration Finds”, in Badhwar (1993), 73–88.
• Scruton, R., 1986, Sexual Desire: A Moral Philosophy of the Erotic , New York: Free Press.
• Searle, J. R., 1990, “Collective Intentions and Actions”, in P. R. Cohen, M. E. Pollack, & J. L. Morgan (eds.), Intentions in Communication , Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 401–15.
• Setiya, K., 2014, “Love and the Value of a Life”, Philosophical Review , 123: 251–80.
• Sherman, N., 1993, “Aristotle on the Shared Life”, in Badhwar (1993), 91–107.
• Singer, I., 1984a, The Nature of Love, Volume 1: Plato to Luther , Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2nd edition.
• –––, 1984b, The Nature of Love, Volume 2: Courtly and Romantic , Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
• –––, 1989, The Nature of Love, Volume 3: The Modern World , Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2nd edn.
• –––, 1991, “From The Nature of Love ”, in Solomon & Higgins (1991), 259–78.
• –––, 1994, The Pursuit of Love , Baltimore, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press.
• –––, 2009, Philosophy of Love: A Partial Summing-up , Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.
• Soble, A. (ed.), 1989a, Eros, Agape, and Philia: Readings in the Philosophy of Love , New York, NY: Paragon House.
• –––, 1989b, “An Introduction to the Philosophy of Love”, in Soble (1989a), xi-xxv.
• –––, 1990, The Structure of Love , New Haven: Yale University Press.
• –––, 1997, “Union, Autonomy, and Concern”, in Lamb (1997), 65–92.
• Solomon, R. C., 1976, The Passions , New York: Anchor Press.
• –––, 1981, Love: Emotion, Myth, and Metaphor , New York: Anchor Press.
• –––, 1988, About Love: Reinventing Romance for Our Times , New York: Simon & Schuster.
• Solomon, R. C. & Higgins, K. M. (eds.), 1991, The Philosophy of (Erotic) Love , Lawrence: Kansas University Press.
• Stump, E., 2006, “Love by All Accounts”, Presidential Address to the Central APA, Proceedings and Addresses of the American Philosophical Association , 80: 25–43.
• Taylor, G., 1976, “Love”, Proceedings of the Aristotelian Society , 76: 147–64.
• Telfer, E., 1970–71, “Friendship”, Proceedings of the Aristotelian Society , 71: 223–41.
• Thomas, L., 1987, “Friendship”, Synthese , 72: 217–36.
• –––, 1989, “Friends and Lovers”, in G. Graham & H. La Follette (eds.), Person to Person , Philadelphia, PA: Temple University Press, 182–98.
• –––, 1991, “Reasons for Loving”, in Solomon & Higgins (1991), 467–476.
• –––, 1993, “Friendship and Other Loves”, in Badhwar (1993), 48–64.
• Tuomela, R., 1984, A Theory of Social Action , Dordrecht: Reidel.
• –––, 1995, The Importance of Us: A Philosophical Study of Basic Social Notions , Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.
• Velleman, J. D., 1999, “Love as a Moral Emotion”, Ethics , 109: 338–74.
• –––, 2008, “Beyond Price”, Ethics , 118: 191–212.
• Vlastos, G., 1981, “The Individual as Object of Love in Plato”, in Platonic Studies , 2nd edition, Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 3–42.
• White, R. J., 2001, Love’s Philosophy , Rowman & Littlefield.
• Whiting, J. E., 1991, “Impersonal Friends”, Monist , 74: 3–29.
• –––, 2013, “Love: Self-Propagation, Self-Preservation, or Ekstasis?”, Canadian Journal of Philosophy , 43: 403–29.
• Willigenburg, T. Van, 2005, “Reason and Love: A Non-Reductive Analysis of the Normativity of Agent-Relative Reasons”, Ethical Theory and Moral Practice , 8: 45–62.
• Wollheim, R., 1984, The Thread of Life , Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
• Wonderly, M., 2016, “On Being Attached”, Philosophical Studies , 173: 223–42.
• –––, 2017, “Love and Attachment”, American Philosophical Quarterly , 54: 235–50.

How to cite this entry . Preview the PDF version of this entry at the Friends of the SEP Society . Look up topics and thinkers related to this entry at the Internet Philosophy Ontology Project (InPhO). Enhanced bibliography for this entry at PhilPapers , with links to its database.

• Aristotle , Nicomachean Ethics , translated by W.D. Ross.
• Moseley, A., “ Philosophy of Love ,” in J. Fieser (ed.), Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy

character, moral | emotion | friendship | impartiality | obligations: special | personal identity | Plato: ethics | Plato: rhetoric and poetry | respect | value: intrinsic vs. extrinsic

Copyright © 2021 by Bennett Helm < bennett . helm @ fandm . edu >

• Accessibility

Support SEP

Mirror sites.

View this site from another server:

• Info about mirror sites

The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy is copyright © 2024 by The Metaphysics Research Lab , Department of Philosophy, Stanford University

Library of Congress Catalog Data: ISSN 1095-5054

The Top 175 Romantically Beautiful Reasons I Love You

When was the last time you took time to think about the reasons why you love someone?

After all, you know you love them.

It’s just not always easy to articulate why. At some point, though, the one you love is bound to be curious as to why you love them.

And when they ask, you want a good answer — one that’s true as well as satisfying.

To help you in this, we’ve created a reasons why I love you list.

Look through it to find the reasons that best fit your love and the unique relationship you have.

Why do I love her?

Why do i love him.

Collect all the reasons below that resonate with you. Make your own “list of things I love about you” to share with your beloved. The following work for loved ones of any gender.

1. You love me even when I find it hard to love myself.

2. Somehow you know exactly what to say to make me feel better.

3. I can’t imagine a better, more fulfilling life than the one I have with you.

4. When you’re holding my hand, I feel like I can do anything.

5. You see me as I am, and you love all of me — not just the parts that are easy to live with. 

6. You accept me just as I am. And you trust me to accept and love you, too.

7. We’re both independent people. But when we’re together, we’re inseparable.

8. Every morning when I wake up and look at you, I want to be better — for both of us.

9. No one challenges me like you do, and always with love, humor, and compassion.

10. You know my limits. But you also know when I’m holding back.

11. I am most myself when I’m with you. I don’t have to pretend. It wouldn’t do me any good, anyway.

12. No one has been more supportive of me or my goals as you’ve been.

13. You instinctively know when and how to get me moving again when I stop.

14. When you set your mind on something, you blast through obstacles like a bullet train.

15. You trust me enough to share every important thing in your life.

16. Whenever I talk to you, you listen better than anyone I know.

17. You help me put things in perspective without treating me like a child.

18. You’ve never allowed anything to come between us and pull us apart.

19. I feel calmest and most at home when you’re giving me one of your hugs.

20. Even in a crowded room, whenever I hear your voice, I instantly feel calmer and happier.

21. You are doing everything you can to become a better person, for both our sakes.

22. You know exactly what needs doing, and you do it. I doubt anything could stop you.

23. When I ask for your help, you’re right there. You show up. You always do.

24. I still get butterflies when you look at me. One smile and everything else disappears.

25. I love your voice more than any sound on earth. More than that, I love the heart behind it.

26. You’re kind, encouraging, and thoughtful to everyone.

27. When I’m at my worst, you draw me closer to you instead of pushing me away. 

28. You’re the first person I turn to when things go wrong — or when they go right..

29. You’re quick to forgive others and to offer help or encouragement.

30. So often, I come home feeling like a zombie. One look at you, and I feel alive again.

31. You’re always learning something new. You make me want to do the same.

32. I’m at my best when I’m with you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.

33. You know me better than anyone, including me. You know just what I need to hear.

34. Wherever you are is home to me. Any place without you feels like a wasteland.

35. I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to love me the way you do.

36. You’ve redefined love for me — and changed everything right along with it.

37. With you, I’ve met my match. You’re the gold standard. 

38. Whatever we’re doing, I’ve never enjoyed it as much as when you’re here with me.

39. Whenever I feel that I’ve failed, you remind me of what I’ve gained.

40. You made a place in your heart for everyone in my family.

41. Even when you disagree with someone, I know you still care about them.

42. We understand each other so well, we know when the other wants to leave or needs a hug.

43. We look out for each other. I know you’ll always be there for me.

44. You only make promises you can keep. And you’ve kept every promise you’ve made to me.

45. When I ask you to explain something, you do it without ever talking down to me.

46. You always swap out the wet towels for clean, dry ones when you know I’m showering after you.

47. When your plans fall apart, you roll with it. You adapt. Nothing keeps you down for long.

48. Every time I watch you, I learn something.

49. I love your curiosity and your intense concentration. And I can’t wait to see the results.

50. If I have questions, you’re happy to answer them. Your tone is never impatient.

51. Aside from your excellent taste in choosing me, I love everything about you.

52. I don’t know how you do it, but you always believe in me, even when I don’t.

53. You, more than anyone, have inspired me to reach higher and do more good in the world.

54. I can always talk to you. And I come away with a calmer mind and better understanding.

55. Your love and your wisdom make everything clearer.

56. Your whole face smiles when you do. And there’s nothing in the world I’d rather see.

57. The world feels brighter and more colorful when you laugh. It’s the best sound in the world.

58. You love me even when I’m difficult to be around. You know just what to say to get me out of my own head.

59. From the moment we met, you felt familiar to me, like we’ve always known each other.

60. You make my friends and family feel welcome when they visit.

61. You put so much thought into everything you do for me. And it shows.

62. You, more than anyone, can calm me when I’m upset and lift me up when I’m low.

63. You have a gift for bringing out the best in me.

64. You’ve helped me to know myself better and to understand what I truly want.

65. When I see what you see in me, I want to make you proud.

66. When you plan a date night , I know we’ll both have the best possible time. 

67. You’ve opened my eyes to a life I never thought I could have. And I only want that if you can share it with me.

68. You care so much about my success and happiness, and it’s thanks to you we’re now able to enjoy both.

69. I’m ashamed it took me this long to learn how to listen like a friend. I learned it from you.

70. You went out and shoveled the driveway twice in the driving snow to make sure I’d be able to get my car into the garage.

71. You’re brilliant, creative, and you never give up on the things that matter to you. 

72. I think about all we’ve been through together so far, and I’m amazed at how much closer we are than we were. I thought I couldn’t love you more. I was wrong.

73. I can’t think of anyone whose company and conversation I enjoy more than yours.

74. It’s gotten to the point I don’t like making big decisions without talking to you first.

75. You’ve helped me avoid costly mistakes with your good sense and quick thinking.

76. You’re the calm in every storm. You help me see through the fog of my anger, anxiety, or grief.

77. You’re the best person to have around in a crisis.

78. No one anticipates what I need better than you, whether it’s a coffee, a hug, or something else. 

79. Whenever you know I’ve had a rough day, you do something to brighten it.

80. You make the darkness in the world less scary. Your smile lights up the world.

81. With you, I feel stronger and braver, even when I’m at my lowest.

82. You, better than anyone, know how to get me back on my feet when I’ve fallen.

83. I love how when a movie we’re watching starts to get scary, you reach over and take my hand.

84. You’re quick to give up your seat or your luggage cart to someone who looks like they need one.

85. You’re the most thoughtful and compassionate person I know.

86. My whole outlook changes when you take my hand. Suddenly, I feel I can get through anything.

87. You take care of me when I forget to. You’ve taught me what self-compassion is.

88. I get lost in my head sometimes, and you help me see the way out.

89. Somehow, you know when to help and when to let me do something on my own.

90. If I’m ever carrying more than you are, you’re quick to offer help and lighten my load.

91. People look up to you, and with good reason. You do everything possible to reward their trust.

92. When you know someone you care about is suffering, you make time for them.

93. Those who love you know you’ll be there when they need you.

94. You’re not afraid to share what you believe with all your heart. But you also listen better than most.

95. You care more about relationships than about being right.

96. You don’t change your beliefs depending on whom you’re with.

97. No matter how others see me, when I see the way you look at me, I feel at peace.

98. I don’t need for everyone to love me — just you. You see all of me.

99. I never feel more at peace or more alive than when I’m with you.

More Related Articles:

The Best Love Poems For Your Husband

68 Totally Relatable Quotes About New Relationships

33 Romantic Love Notes and Texts for Her

100. I can always trust you to be honest with me, and you make every difficult truth easier to face.

101. No matter what we’re doing, you make the time pass more quickly.

102. You keep little mementos of everything we’ve done together.

103. Even when you’re angry, I look at you and want to smile. If the tiniest bit slips out, know that it’s just me loving you.

104. You find beauty in the smallest and most commonplace things. 

105. I love that you check in with me each day to see how I’m doing.

106. As soon as I hear your voice or see a text you’ve sent, I feel happier.

107. Your sense of humor makes every struggle easier.

108. If laughter is therapeutic, you’re my favorite doctor.

109. You get me laughing even on days when I don’t think I have it in me to laugh.

110. You respect people’s boundaries, even if you don’t understand them. You treat others as you want to be treated.

111. I love hearing stories about how you became the person you are. Even as a child, you were special.

112. You make me feel as if everything about me matters to you.

113. I love you not just because of the person you are but also because of the person I am when I’m with you.

114. Whatever I cook for you, you seem to enjoy it even when I don’t. You never complain.

115. I love your brilliant, creative mind. I love to hear your ideas — even the crazy ones.

116. You have a way of jumpstarting my brain when it’s tired or muddled.

117. You always remember birthdays and anniversaries, but you don’t judge me if I forget.

118. You make our best memories together new again.

119. Your smile is my favorite thing to look at. When I’m in pain, it’s the best pain relief .

120. When I’m feeling lost , your smile calms me so I can see through the fog.

121. Different as we are, you never try to change me. You accept and love me as I am.

122. I love how you leave notes for me as thoughtful reminders — or just to tell me you love me.

123. Whenever I don’t know what to read next, I just check to see what you’re reading.

124. I never thought I’d love talking about the books I read as much I do with you.

125. You built a treehouse just for us that we can use for private chats or to camp out together.

126. Any place with you is my favorite place. You make it home.

127. Your antics cheer me up every time. No one gets me laughing as quickly as you.

128. I could tell you anything about myself and trust that you wouldn’t think less of me.

129. I love the way you dance. No matter how tired I am, you make me want to join in.

130. I love the way you sing your heart out, just because it makes you feel good.

131.. You celebrate every win with me, and you’re there to help me through every loss.

132. No one has my back like you do. I can always count on you.

133. You’re the most resourceful and creative person I know.

134. I love to see the things you create with whatever you have handy.

135. Even in a crowd, you make me feel as though I’m the only person you want to talk to.

136. I love talking to you — about anything and everything.

137. The thought of growing old with you feels like all my best dreams rolled into one.

138. You’re everything I want most in this life.

139. I love how you see the good in everyone around you, whatever they’ve done.

140. Before you, I didn’t know what to do with my life. You’ve helped me see beyond myself.

141. If anyone could get me to sing live in front of a crowd of people, you could — and only you.

142. You make me want to take risks and face my fears.

143. I love that every time you have a win, you share it. You find a way to make it an even bigger win for someone else.

144. Some of the wisest and most compassionate people I know have known what it’s like to be profoundly sad. I think you must have experienced that.

145. You know my worst flaws, and you’re still here, accepting and loving me.

146. Even when we disagree, you have such respect for me that you listen with all your heart.

If you’re making a list of reasons to love a girl who’s turned your life into something more beautiful than you could have imagined, let these ideas spur your imagination.

147. You’re the perfect blend of beauty, compassion, and brilliance.

148. As beautiful as you are on the outside, and you always will be, you’re even more beautiful on the inside.

149. Your face immediately drew me in. Your mind and your heart, though, are what grabbed hold and wouldn’t let go.

150. Your soul is the perfect companion for my soul.

151. If I didn’t love you, it wouldn’t hurt so much when we’re at odds. I’m happiest when we’re in harmony.

152. You give me personal space when I need it, knowing that, sometimes, we all need time to ourselves.

153. You’ve taught me so much about myself and helped me understand what I truly want.

154. Maybe we didn’t see each other right away, but when we did, it was like finding home after forgetting where it was.

155. In every problem we face, you see the possibilities I miss. And when you feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts, you turn to me and let me lift you up.

156. You steadfastly refuse to give up on me — even when I’ve given up on myself.

157. You’re an unstoppable force of nature. Once you undertake something, I can’t wait to see what you’ll accomplish.

158. When I lose faith in my abilities, you find a way to get me believing again.

159. You treat my friends as if you owe them a debt of gratitude, and now I get why. They’ve helped me become the person you love.

160. I love that you trust me enough to be honest with me. And you don’t push me away when I’m honest with you.

161. I love the way you get when you’re on fire to make something happen. And I never doubt you will.

If you’re making a list of “Reasons why I love my boyfriend” — or husband, partner, best friend, etc. — here are some worthy additions to consider:

162. With you, I laugh louder, smile more, and cry less. I feel much healthier.

163. You make me feel like I’m enough for you.

164. When I need to cry, I know you’re a safe place for that. You never say things like “Don’t cry,” or “It’s not that bad…”

165. My mind is a better place with you in it. You see the cracks and point to the flowers growing in them.

166. You treat me family as if they were yours. I look forward to when they will be.

167. We can stay up all night talking without either of us getting bored.

168. You’ve always treated me like your equal. You, more than anyone I know have made me feel not only cherished but respected.

169. No matter how busy life gets, you always make time for me when I need you.

170. I love that you hold the door open for everyone who’s close behind you, and you’re quick to lend your umbrella to anyone who needs it.

171. You’re an amazing father to our kids, and I know they, like me, can’t imagine life without you.

172. You’re not afraid to embarrass yourself just to cheer me up or distract me from my thoughts. .

173. When I’m having a bad dream, you reach across the bed and gently pull me toward you. And that’s where I find peace again.

174. One look, and you seem to know just what I need from you.

175. You trust me to help you through every struggle. And you’re there to help me through mine.

Final Thoughts

Now that you have your reasons, how can you share them?

• Write a love note with a list of your reasons.
• Use sticky notes to leave reasons where they’ll find them.
• Write one of the reasons on a whiteboard or mirror.

However you share these “reasons why I love you,” be authentic. The one you love probably knows you well enough to recognize when you’re exaggerating.

And there’s no need for that. If your love is genuine, express it as only you can .

“Why Do You Love Me?”Exploring The Reasons Behind Romantic Feelings

In many relationships, one partner may be curious about what makes the other love them. If your partner asks, “Why do you love me?” it may be helpful to think about what you want to say. Read on to explore why people fall in love with their partners and how therapy can help you learn healthy, effective ways to express your feelings. 

Why do people fall in love?

In general, humans fall in love as an evolutionary response to ensure the continuation of the species. Humans are social creatures, and we form emotional attachments for support, a sense of belonging, and the biological drive to care for and protect loved ones. Psychologist John Bowlby developed attachment theory to explain how humans develop lifelong methods for forming attachments to others during infancy and childhood, primarily based on the type of care they receive. 

What love does to your brain

During the early stages of a relationship, your brain releases large amounts of oxytocin, a neurochemical related to the pleasure and reward centers. Studies show that the brains of couples in a new relationship produce significantly more oxytocin than those without a romantic partner. The neurochemical is often called the "love hormone" because it creates positive feelings and makes you crave more time close to your partner. 

How oxytocin affects you

• Sexual activity increases oxytocin production, leading to further positive associations with your partner. 
• Oxytocin can inspire loyalty in relationships. 
• Sperm motility improves with oxytocin.

Exploring the reasons to love someone

Listing every reason one person could love another is only possible if you talk to everyone worldwide. However, some common themes appear among those asked to explain why they love their partners. 

They treat you well

It’s easy to fall in love with someone who treats you well. If your partner considers your thoughts, feelings, and how their words or actions will affect you, that's a solid reason to develop romantic feelings that grow into love. Many people who have been in previous relationships where they were poorly treated may need time to adjust to and trust being treated with love and kindness. 

They treat others well

Many people are attracted to kindness in others, and you may develop romantic feelings for someone who you frequently see treating people well. You may appreciate how they care for the people around them, especially if you have children together and they are a loving, attentive parent. Your partner will likely enjoy hearing about the facets of themselves that draw you to them—and knowing you value their kindness could help when they’re having a day they feel less-than-generous. 

You love the sound of their laughter

Many people value a sense of humor in a partner, so it’s not surprising that you might love to make them laugh because the sound is music to you. Laughter means you’re having a good time and helps you form positive mental associations connected to your partner. 

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic suggest that laughter can be an effective form of stress relief and a mood booster. If your partner frequently laughs and makes you laugh, it can inspire romantic feelings because your brain associates them with stress relief and pleasant emotions. 

They have a great attitude and outlook on life

Is just being in your partner’s presence enough to make you feel better? Do they “recharge your batteries” in a way no one else can? Perhaps their sunny outlook on life helps you persevere on your most challenging days. It can be easy to love someone’s view of the world and their place in it, even if you don’t necessarily share the same ideas. 

You’re able to understand and communicate with each other

Effective communication skills may allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings clearly, making it easier to share yours. They may help you navigate conflicts as a couple and help you develop a stronger sense of emotional intimacy and literacy so you can better understand and express your feelings. Open, honest communication is often at the heart of successful relationships and may help both of you avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 

“Aspects of communication drive relationship satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction sets the stage for more constructive communication and conflict resolution. Conversely, relationship satisfaction could stabilize relationships, allowing couples to experience a greater proportion of negative communications because overall satisfaction might render the relationship more resilient to internally-generated stressors.” — Grant Hilary Brenner MD, DFAPA

They are generous and selfless

Is your partner the kind of person who would give the shirt off their back to someone in need? Do they go out of their way to make life easier for you or act in other selfless ways that show they care? Feeling loved and cared for is a common reason to love someone. 

Their intelligence

Many people fall in love with someone who has a brilliant mind and can engage them in intellectually stimulating conversation. You may be drawn to the way their minds work or enjoy seeing how they work through problems to find practical solutions. Studies show that many people are attracted to intelligence.

You love how they tell a story

Human beings have always been drawn to narratives. According to recent data, our brains undergo a phenomenon called “narrative transportation” when we hear a story that engages enough of our senses that we can almost feel the sensations described . If your partner tells a fantastic story, you may fall in love with listening to them talk and experiencing what happened through their eyes. 

Their unconventional personality

Is your partner a free spirit with a unique view of the world that you adore? Perhaps you fell in love because they are so unlike anyone else you've ever known, and you like glimpsing the world through their eyes, particularly if their outlook is vastly different from yours. 

How confident they are

Research shows that many people are attracted to confidence . You may find it a lovable quality if your partner is confident and secure in who and how they are. Confidence can inspire a sense of security and stability you can depend upon reliably. 

They make you feel safe and loved

It's easy to see how someone could fall in love when they feel safe with and loved by their partner. If your partner provides a sense of safety and security in the relationship, it could make falling in love feel simple and natural. 

What To Say When You Don’t Know Why You Love Them

If you know you love your partner but don’t know how to put that love into words, it can be difficult to know how to respond when they say, “Why do you love me?”

It may be helpful to first try to explain that while you struggle with talking about your feelings, you are certain you love them. You can also try some of these:

• I am still learning the things I love about you. 
• There are so many unique things about you I don't know where to start. 
• I may not be good with words, but I know I’m lucky to have you in my life. 
• I love you every second of every day. 
• I love the little things that make you who you are. 
• I love who I am with you. 

Reach out for help

Many people struggle to express their feelings, particularly if they weren’t raised in an emotionally expressive or supportive environment. So, if you need help recognizing, understanding, and sharing your emotions, you're certainly not the only one. You may benefit from attending therapy, where you can learn to identify, process, and express your feelings with the support and guidance of a mental health professional. 

How therapy can help you communicate your feelings

If you have difficulty expressing your thoughts and feelings, consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual therapy platform focused on relationship issues like Regain. Therapy can help you identify and understand your emotions while developing coping skills to manage stress and learning communication techniques to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner. 

According to recent research, there’s no substantial difference between the outcomes of in-person and online psychotherapy . Virtual therapy tends to be less expensive and involves shorter wait times. Many patients have said the unmatched convenience of attending from home made it possible to participate more reliably. 

There’s a good chance that at some point in your relationship, your partner will ask you to explain the reasons you love them. Many people have trouble putting their feelings into words. The information presented in this article explores several reasons people can fall in love with someone and how online therapy can help you learn to express your emotions. 

Frequently asked questions (FAQ):

What do you say when your boyfriend asks why you love him?

When a partner questions their value in your eyes — out of insecurity or even curiosity — it is always best to answer honestly. The things that make us love our partners are the things that drew us to them initially, or what draws us to them still; they are what make our significant others distinctive, unique, admirable, and attractive. Think of every good attribute your partner has, and that set of qualities is likely to be your answer: they are funny, kind, charismatic, beautiful, patient, intelligent, or any combination thereof. While it can be hard to put something that is as powerful, elemental, or even unconditional as love into words, everyone deserves to know not only that they matter to their loved ones, but why they matter.

Knowing the answer to this question is not just good for making your partner feel appreciated — it also helps you. Think about why you feel the way you feel, even if you are alone and no one is asking. It can help you recognize and articulate your own feelings, and it can be an effective aid for you to keep the relationship strong. If you think about why you love your partner, you may be more likely to show it, which can be healthy for the partnership and make the person you love feel good. It can also make you less likely to start taking things for granted, which is positive.

What are the signs that a couple is not in love?

Real displays of love and affection vary from person to person, which is something to keep in mind. We don’t all show these things in the same way, and that’s okay. Some things that could indicate a lack of love or a non-reciprocal relationship include, but aren’t limited to, being with someone out of loneliness rather than affection or compatibility, rushing into things without getting to know each other, or only feeling like you know one another on a surface level.

What are the 3 main qualities of love?

Some psychologists employ a triangular theory of love that imagines three qualities of love — passion, intimacy, and commitment — as characteristics that distinguish different types of love from one another. Consummate love, which is typically what we envision in a healthy, long-term romantic relationship, consists of all three characteristics and is often a standard that couples strive towards.

What can I say instead of “I love you”?

There are tons of alternatives to “I love you,” whether you would like to tell your partner how much they mean to you without resorting to stale clichés, or you are just not sure you are ready to say the ever-intimidating “L word” just yet.

It can be as simple as an unprompted reminder that you were thinking of them: shooting them a text to tell them that something funny that happened at work reminded you of them, sending them articles you think they might want to read, sending a sweet “good morning” text, or simply letting them know in plain terms how much they mean to you. You might even reword “I love you” into something new (e.g., “You are so deeply special to me,” “I love the way you think,” or “I feel lucky to be around you”) to change it up.

People who feel love and strong affection may say things like:

• I missed you.
• I’m thinking of you.
• How are you feeling?
• How was your day?
• I like your new outfit/haircut/hairstyle
• I’m going to the store. Do you want anything?
• How is your family doing?

Thoughtful actions can be another powerful reminder that they matter to you and that they belong in your life without you even having to open your mouth. An unprompted gift, an effort to learn about something they love, or an offer to spend time with them when you know they really need it can all send the message that they’re valued.

Why do I love him so much?

Beyond hormones, primal desire, or whatever else you want to chalk it up to, the chances are that you love your partner for more than one reason or trait. The time you two spend together may make you feel absolutely joyful, like you are the luckiest person in the world, and they might take the time or put in the effort to make you feel like you matter. They might be a figure worthy of fixation; they’re kind, outgoing, funny, or intelligent in a way that makes them stand out from other people you have met before, and therefore they’re nestled into a special place in your heart.

While it is hard to pinpoint which comes first — whether you love them because of all of these things, or if all of these things are so great because you love them — it is clear that this complex web of explanations makes your love for them something that is quite difficult to explain in words. You love them because you do, and even you don’t really understand all of the reasons behind it. It’s because they are who they are, and you are who you are. Love somehow naturally follows. It’s part of why authenticity matters when seeking a partner, and it’s a beautiful thing.

Is jealousy a sign of love?

Jealousy is a complicated but natural feeling in a relationship. It can be harmless if it is occasional and dealt with rationally, but it would be misguided to call it a sign of love. Jealousy, much of the time, has a lot more to do with our own insecurities and preoccupations than with the quality of our love. Love is based on mutual trust and a desire to see your partner happy — and jealousy can obstruct both of these things. It’s best to talk it out if one, or both, of you feel jealous. I want you to understand that I am here, and I love you.” Therapy may also be advantageous if it’s an ongoing concern.

How do you know you love someone?

Love can look different for everyone, but you may know that you are in love when you are not only infatuated with them, but you have a deep interpersonal bond. When you are in love, you will likely want to direct all your attention towards the object of your affection and get their attention in return, but you will also want to understand them and empathize with them; you will trust them and want to see them happy. Many of the old clichés are true — they will often be the person you look for in a room full of people, or the person you think about as you go to bed or wake up every single day. 

What does real love look like?

In order to answer this question, let’s look at the 4 phases of love .

• The infamous honeymoon phase, when it seems like your partner is the perfect match and they have no flaws. You feel so in love that it is almost like you need them.
• Then comes the crisis, or the first big fight. All the flaws that you did not pay attention to before now seem so glaringly obvious that you cannot focus on anything else. You may experience feelings of shame, disappointment, and disillusionment. You may begin to fixate on your partner’s flaws and wonder if you can get past this phase.
• Due to the conflict, you may enter into a power struggle, which is when you really decide on which points you want to concede, which compromises you are willing to make, and which things you do not want to change.
• Once you go through these more temporary phases, you find the awakening, which is when you and your partner understand and accept each other’s flaws. You also accept your own flaws and recognize that you and your partner are both human. Discord is, for the most part, inevitable. At this phase, you may well stop wondering if your partner is right for you. Things can start to settle and feel clearer.

How do you test a guy to see if he really loves you?

When you're having doubts about the real feelings of your partner, the common question that comes to your mind is " Does he love me ?" It is better not to test your partners, but to instead simply openly communicate and take them at their word. If your partner says they love you, but you feel as though they might not be telling the truth — for instance, if they refuse to prioritize you, pay little attention to your interests, or otherwise indicate that they do not take your feelings into account —then you might be l oving someone you can't have and it might be worth it to simply decide to end things. Sometimes, a person really does care; but they may not understand how their actions come off until you talk about it. Pay attention to their response. It is likely not worth investing additional time and energy into getting someone to prove that they value you if they are committed to ignoring you. Maybe it's time to let go and love yourself first until you'll learn how to love somebody else again.

Why do guys ask if you love them?

We all want to feel valued and appreciated by our partners. When someone asks if you really love them, it can be a sign of insecurity, or that they’re feeling neglected, among other things. If your partner asks you this, you might consider finding new or more emphatic ways to express your affection so they don’t doubt that they matter to you. Since the reasons a person might ask vary so much, it’s hard to guess exactly why someone might ask this question, and it may be effective to have a conversation about insecurities, past wounds, and how to show up for or show love for each other.

How do you tell a man you love him?

It can be as simple as saying the words “I love you.” Of course, it’s not always as easy as it seems; but it’s better to be honest and straightforward, especially if you’ve never said the words to him before. If saying " I love you son " is so easy if you are a parent, your partner also deserves to hear those affirmations. If you simply want to show them that they matter, you might consider doing something that gets the sentiment of love across without you having to say the words. Doing something thoughtful can let someone know that you care for them.

Why do you love your boyfriend?

Love is a natural and wonderful human reaction.

If you need a crisis hotline, here are some resources:

NAMI Helpline (National Alliance on Mental Illness) - 1-800-950-6264 or [email protected]

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255

National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233 or [email protected]

For more information on mental health, please see:

NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) - [email protected]

American Psychological Association - APA (Facebook)

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services - SAMHSA (Facebook)

Follow us on Twitter , Instagram , and Facebook . Contact us at [email protected] or [email protected].

• How To Find Love Again After Heartbreak
• The Best Ways to Say “I Love You Mom”

How To Explain Why You Love Someone: 7 Ways To Show Them How Much They Mean To You

If you’re struggling to find the right words to express why you love someone, don’t worry – we’ve got you covered.

In this article, we’ll show you seven powerful ways to demonstrate just how to explain why you love someone .

From heartfelt gestures to meaningful gifts, these practical tips will help you communicate your love effectively.

So get ready to deepen your connection and make your loved one feel truly cherished.

Table of Contents

Express Your Love Through Thoughtful Gestures

To truly express your love for someone, you can demonstrate your affection through thoughtful gestures. Thoughtful surprises and romantic gestures can go a long way in showing someone how much they mean to you. These gestures don’t have to be grand or expensive; it’s the thought and effort behind them that truly matters.

One way to express your love through thoughtful gestures is by planning surprise dates or outings. Take your partner to their favorite restaurant or plan a picnic in the park. The element of surprise adds excitement and shows that you’ve put thought into creating a special experience for them.

Another thoughtful gesture is leaving little love notes or messages for your partner to find. These can be tucked into their bag, left on their pillow, or even sent as a text during the day. It’s a simple yet effective way to remind them of your love and brighten their day.

Small acts of kindness can also be incredibly meaningful. Whether it’s making their favorite breakfast in bed or running errands for them when they’re busy, these actions show that you care and are willing to go the extra mile to make their life easier.

Communicate Your Feelings Through Heartfelt Words

When you want to express why you love someone, a powerful way to do so is by communicating your heartfelt words. Words have the ability to convey our deepest emotions and can create a strong connection with our loved ones. By expressing your emotions through heartfelt words, you can effectively communicate your love and appreciation for them.

One important aspect to consider when communicating your feelings is understanding the love languages of your partner. Love languages are the different ways in which people give and receive love. Some people feel loved through words of affirmation, while others feel loved through acts of service, quality time, physical touch, or receiving gifts. By understanding your partner’s love language, you can tailor your words to have the greatest impact.

When expressing your emotions, be specific and genuine. Instead of simply saying ‘I love you,’ explain why you love them and what makes them special to you. Use descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of your feelings. For example, instead of saying ‘I appreciate you,’ you could say ‘I appreciate how you always listen to me and support me, even when times are tough.’

Remember that words have the power to uplift, inspire, and strengthen relationships. By communicating your heartfelt words, you not only express your love but also create a deeper bond with your partner. So don’t hesitate to let your emotions flow and share your love through meaningful words.

Show Appreciation by Actively Listening and Supporting Them

By actively listening and supporting your partner, you demonstrate your appreciation for them. One of the most effective ways to show appreciation is through active listening. This means giving your full attention and genuinely engaging in the conversation. Put away distractions and show that you value what they’ve to say. Make eye contact, nod, and provide verbal cues to show that you’re actively listening.

Another way to show appreciation is by offering your support. Be there for your partner in both good times and bad. Show empathy and understanding when they’re going through a tough time. Offer a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. Let them know that you’re there to support them no matter what.

In addition, it’s important to remember that active listening and support go hand in hand. When you actively listen to your partner, you aren’t only showing them that you appreciate what they’ve to say, but you’re also providing them with the support they need. By actively listening, you’re creating a safe space for them to express themselves and feel understood.

Demonstrate Your Love With Acts of Service

One way to demonstrate your love with acts of service is by actively finding ways to support and help your partner. Acts of kindness and selfless acts can speak volumes about your love and dedication to them. Whether it’s taking care of household chores, running errands, or simply lending a helping hand, these actions show your partner that you’re willing to go the extra mile for them.

Supporting your partner can take many forms. It could mean offering to cook their favorite meal after a long day at work, or helping them with a project they’ve been struggling with. It could also involve taking care of their needs when they aren’t feeling well, or being their biggest cheerleader in pursuing their dreams.

By actively finding ways to support and help your partner, you’re demonstrating that their happiness and well-being are a priority to you. These acts of service show that you’re willing to put their needs before your own, and that you’re committed to making their life easier and more enjoyable.

Spend Quality Time Together to Deepen Your Connection

To deepen your connection with your partner, spend quality time together. By dedicating uninterrupted moments to each other, you can foster a deeper emotional bond and create lasting memories. Quality time allows you to truly connect, understand, and appreciate one another.

Engaging in activities that you both enjoy is a great way to deepen your emotional connection. Whether it’s cooking together, going for a hike, or simply enjoying a movie night at home, these shared experiences create a sense of togetherness and intimacy. These moments allow you to learn more about each other’s likes, dislikes, and passions, further strengthening your connection.

Beyond just shared activities, it’s important to also have meaningful conversations during your quality time together. Open up to each other, share your dreams, fears, and aspirations. Listen actively and show genuine interest in what your partner has to say. This level of vulnerability and understanding will deepen your emotional connection even further.

Surprise Them With Small, Meaningful Gifts

Surprise your loved one with small, meaningful gifts to show them how much they mean to you. A surprise date or a thoughtful present can go a long way in expressing your love and appreciation. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive; it’s the thought behind the gesture that matters. Consider their interests and hobbies when choosing a gift. Maybe they’ve been eyeing a new book, a piece of jewelry, or a gadget they’ve mentioned in passing. By giving them something they’ve wanted or something that aligns with their passions, you’re showing them that you pay attention and care about their happiness.

In addition to physical gifts, handwritten notes can also be a beautiful way to surprise your loved one. Write a heartfelt message expressing your love and gratitude, and leave it somewhere they’ll find it unexpectedly. It could be a simple note left on their pillow, a message written on a mirror, or a letter slipped into their bag. These small gestures can brighten their day and serve as a constant reminder of your love. The personal touch of a handwritten note adds an extra layer of thoughtfulness and sincerity that will surely make them feel cherished.

Physical Touch: Embrace and Show Affection to Convey Your Love

When it comes to conveying your love, physical touch is a powerful tool. The benefits of physical touch are numerous, as it releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and can help reduce stress and promote emotional connection.

Non-verbal communication through touch can express love, comfort, and support. There are various types of affectionate gestures such as holding hands, hugging, or simply placing a gentle hand on their arm.

Benefits of Physical Touch

One of the most powerful ways to convey your love to someone is through physical touch. Physical touch has numerous benefits, including emotional bonding and the importance of physical intimacy.

When you embrace someone or show affection through touch, it creates a strong emotional connection between you and your loved one. Physical touch releases oxytocin, also known as the ‘love hormone,’ which promotes feelings of trust and affection. It can also reduce stress and anxiety, as well as strengthen the bond between partners.

Physical touch is a universal language that communicates love, care, and support without the need for words. It brings comfort, reassurance, and a sense of security, making your loved one feel cherished and valued.

Non-Verbal Communication Through Touch

Embrace and show affection through physical touch to convey your love to the person who means the world to you. Physical touch has a healing power that goes beyond words. The therapeutic effects of touch can create a deep connection and strengthen the bond between you and your loved one.

It has been scientifically proven that touch releases oxytocin, also known as the ‘love hormone,’ which promotes feelings of trust and attachment. However, it’s important to consider cultural differences when it comes to non-verbal communication. Understanding varying attitudes towards touch can help you navigate different social norms and ensure that your physical affection is well-received.

Types of Affectionate Gestures

To convey your love through physical touch, you can show affection and embrace your loved one, creating a deep connection and strengthening your bond. Holding hands is a simple yet powerful gesture that signifies unity and support. It shows that you’re there for each other, offering comfort and reassurance. Whether you’re walking down the street or sitting side by side, holding hands can be a constant reminder of your love and commitment.

Another affectionate gesture is cuddling. This intimate act allows you to be close to your partner, providing a sense of warmth and security. Cuddling releases oxytocin, the ‘love hormone,’ which promotes feelings of trust and affection. It’s a way to show your loved one that you cherish their presence and want to be physically close to them.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can i effectively communicate my feelings to someone i love.

You can effectively communicate your feelings to someone you love by expressing your emotions openly and honestly. Share your love with them through words, actions, and gestures that show how much they mean to you.

What Are Some Ways to Show Appreciation and Support to My Partner?

To show appreciation and support to your partner, surprise them with unexpected gestures and perform acts of service that make their life easier. These small acts can speak volumes and demonstrate your love in meaningful ways.

How Can I Deepen My Connection With Someone Through Spending Quality Time Together?

To deepen your connection with someone, spend quality time together engaging in bonding activities and exploring shared interests. This will create a stronger bond and allow you to appreciate and love each other even more.

What Are Some Thoughtful Gestures I Can Do to Express My Love?

To express your love, you can show thoughtful gestures like surprising them with gift ideas that resonate with their interests or performing acts of service to make their life easier.

How Can Physical Touch Be Used to Convey Love and Affection to Someone?

Physical touch is a powerful way to convey love and affection. It has immense importance and benefits, allowing you to connect on a deeper level. Different ways to express love through physical touch include hugs, kisses, holding hands, and cuddling.

So, there you have it – seven ways to show someone how much you love them.

From thoughtful gestures to heartfelt words, from acts of service to quality time spent together, each action speaks volumes about your love.

Don’t forget the power of surprise gifts and physical affection too.

By combining all of these elements, you can truly convey just how much they mean to you.

So go ahead and let your love shine through in every way possible.

Essay on Love for Students and Children

500+ words essay on love.

Love is the most significant thing in human’s life. Each science and every single literature masterwork will tell you about it. Humans are also social animals. We lived for centuries with this way of life, we were depended on one another to tell us how our clothes fit us, how our body is whether healthy or emaciated. All these we get the honest opinions of those who love us, those who care for us and makes our happiness paramount.

What is Love?

Love is a set of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs with strong feelings of affection. So, for example, a person might say he or she loves his or her dog, loves freedom, or loves God. The concept of love may become an unimaginable thing and also it may happen to each person in a particular way.

Love has a variety of feelings, emotions, and attitude. For someone love is more than just being interested physically in another one, rather it is an emotional attachment. We can say love is more of a feeling that a person feels for another person. Therefore, the basic meaning of love is to feel more than liking towards someone.

Get the huge list of more than 500 Essay Topics and Ideas

Need of Love

We know that the desire to love and care for others is a hard-wired and deep-hearted because the fulfillment of this wish increases the happiness level. Expressing love for others benefits not just the recipient of affection, but also the person who delivers it. The need to be loved can be considered as one of our most basic and fundamental needs.

One of the forms that this need can take is contact comfort. It is the desire to be held and touched. So there are many experiments showing that babies who are not having contact comfort, especially during the first six months, grow up to be psychologically damaged.

Significance of Love

Love is as critical for the mind and body of a human being as oxygen. Therefore, the more connected you are, the healthier you will be physically as well as emotionally. It is also true that the less love you have, the level of depression will be more in your life. So, we can say that love is probably the best antidepressant.

It is also a fact that the most depressed people don’t love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also become self-focused and hence making themselves less attractive to others.

Society and Love

It is a scientific fact that society functions better when there is a certain sense of community. Compassion and love are the glue for society. Hence without it, there is no feeling of togetherness for further evolution and progress. Love , compassion, trust and caring we can say that these are the building blocks of relationships and society.

Relationship and Love

A relationship is comprised of many things such as friendship , sexual attraction , intellectual compatibility, and finally love. Love is the binding element that keeps a relationship strong and solid. But how do you know if you are in love in true sense? Here are some symptoms that the emotion you are feeling is healthy, life-enhancing love.

Love is the Greatest Wealth in Life

Love is the greatest wealth in life because we buy things we love for our happiness. For example, we build our dream house and purchase a favorite car to attract love. Being loved in a remote environment is a better experience than been hated even in the most advanced environment.

Love or Money

Love should be given more importance than money as love is always everlasting. Money is important to live, but having a true companion you can always trust should come before that. If you love each other, you will both work hard to help each other live an amazing life together.

Love has been a vital reason we do most things in our life. Before we could know ourselves, we got showered by it from our close relatives like mothers , fathers , siblings, etc. Thus love is a unique gift for shaping us and our life. Therefore, we can say that love is a basic need of life. It plays a vital role in our life, society, and relation. It gives us energy and motivation in a difficult time. Finally, we can say that it is greater than any other thing in life.

Customize your course in 30 seconds

Which class are you in.

• Travelling Essay
• Picnic Essay
• Our Country Essay
• My Parents Essay
• Essay on Favourite Personality
• Essay on Memorable Day of My Life
• Essay on Knowledge is Power
• Essay on Gurpurab
• Essay on My Favourite Season
• Essay on Types of Sports

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Download the App

Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox . Subscribe To Our Newsletter !

• Skip to primary navigation
• Skip to main content
• Skip to primary sidebar

Long Romantic Love Paragraphs For Him Or Her

February 5, 2016 By Kate

In an era where text messages are the norm, love letters are believed by many to be a thing of the past. While shooting your loved one a text saying that you miss them can be a great thing, why not show them how you really feel by sending them a letter? Do you have someone in your life that you adore? Show how much you appreciate him or her by giving them a unique and thoughtfully-written love paragraphs.

Many of us might not be used to writing letters anymore. But there is something incredibly romantic about a letter, especially when it is written to a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife. We often rely on special occasions and holidays to express our feelings to our significant others by giving them greeting cards with special messages written on them. If you dislike writing handwritten letters, you can always opt for emails. A quick romantic email describing your love will surely have a positive effect as well. There are also plenty of digital e-card providers where you can write a cute love paragraph to brighten up your partners day.

But if you want your special person to feel as special as they make you feel, you don’t have to wait for the next holiday, anniversary, or birthday. Just give them a letter on a normal day. This will make your significant other feel very special and appreciated. They will love knowing that you took the time to give them a letter that was meant just for them.

Have you ever wanted to express so much to your significant other, but found that you did not have the words to adequately get your feelings out? The paragraphs below can help you express yourself to that special someone in your life. Whether you want to say thanks or let someone know that you are missing them, each of these love messages are thoughtful and will leave the recipient feeling very loved and cherished.

Let these love letters help you speak the language of love as you let your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband know just how you feel. These paragraphs are written to capture the feelings of passion that are experienced and expressed in any loving relationship. Just choose the paragraphs that mirror your feelings and the thoughts that you would like to express to your significant other.

By giving the special man or woman in your life a romantic letter, you can rekindle the spark in your relationship or you can keep that flame going strong. When you present your special person with romantic letters, you will find that a little bit of effort can have a strong impact on your relationship.

Below, you will find a variety of cute paragraphs that are suited for specific occasions or sentiments. From showing your appreciation to saying how sorry you are about something, these paragraphs will cover a wide range of topics that anyone in a relationship will be able to relate to.

Long Romantic Love Paragraphs

For showing your appreciation –.

Many times in life, we can end up taking the people who are closest to our hearts for granted. I am so used to all of the wonderful things that you do for me and I never want you to think that I do not appreciate everything that you do for me and our relationship. Every minute of every day, I am always so grateful to have you in my life and in my heart.

I just wanted to let you know that how much I appreciate having you in my life. For helping me through the bad times and being there to help me celebrate the good times, I cherish all of the moments that we share together. There aren’t enough words in the dictionary for me to tell you how glad I am to have you in my life. I am so lucky to have you by my side. Everything you do for me never goes unnoticed. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as you, but I am eternally grateful to have your love, support, and affection. Thank you for being you, and for having me by your side.

When you are missing someone –

Whenever we are apart, I am constantly thinking of you. It is crazy how every little thing can remind me of you. Your smile, your laugh, and the sound of your voice are never far from my thoughts. I can remember the touch of your hand as though you are right here sitting next to me. No matter how far apart we are, you are always in my heart and in my thoughts, and your name is always on the edge of my lips. Your presence in a room makes my light feel so much lighter and my heart yearns for you when you are far away from me. Now that we are miles apart, I cannot wait until we are together again. When I see you again, I will never want to leave your side.

When you are sorry –

My beloved, you are the greatest thing in my life and it breaks my heart to see that you are hurt. And I hate knowing that I have upset you. The last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings and make you feel sadness and anger. I wish that I could always see your smile and hear your laughter. Your happiness means the world to me. You deserve so much better and I promise to do better, to be the person that you deserve. Please forgive me and I hope that I can prove that I mean it when I say that I am sorry.

When you are feeling committed –

Never in my life have I felt more dedicated to anything. I pledge my life and my love to you and I promise to keep investing my time and energy into the wonderful relationship that we have together. Every day I learn something new about you and I am always reminded of how amazing you are. Together, we can have the greatest adventure of all time.

Reliving good memories –

When I try to think of a favorite memory that I share with you, it is hard to pick just one. There are just too many wonderful memories to choose from. I love looking back at our relationship and reliving some of the memories we share together. From the first time we met to our first date, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else in the world but you. All of those moments that we have had have made us who we are as a couple today. I can’t wait to see what memories we go on to create together so we can look back on them happily.

Thinking of the future –

Sometimes, when I think about our relationship, I wonder, what does the future hold in store for us? What surprises are right around the corner? We have already had so many wonderful, exciting adventures. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us. With you at my side, I know that life will always be exciting. You are the only person in the world I can imagine building a life with. From the bumps in the road to the wonderful times, with our fair share of both heartbreak and laughter, I know that there is no one I would rather spend my future with than you.

When you are long distance –

Being in a long distance relationship is not easy by any means, but I would not trade this relationship with anything in the world. Nothing in my life is worth more than you, even when you are far away from me. Even though we are separated by many, many miles, my heart has never felt closer to anyone else’s heart but yours. Even when we are so far apart, I feel closer to you now more than ever. I can’t wait to see you, but no matter how far apart we are from one another, I always cherish having you in my life, no matter what the distance between us is. I constantly look forward to the moment when we are reunited once again.

Showing how much you love them –

I can only use so many words in the dictionary to show you how much I love you. I love you so much that you are always on my mind, putting a smile on my face and making my heart skip a beat. There are so many ways for me to express my love and I plan on showing you just how much love I have for you for the rest of my life. I hope that my actions let you know the extent of my affection, adoration, and commitment to you.

How much you need them –

I hope you know how much you mean to me. You are such an important part of my life. In fact, you are the center of my life. Everything I do is for us and I hope you know that I am always trying to do the right thing that will make our relationship a stronger one. You have inspired me to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be and I hope that I can somehow repay you for everything that you have done for me. Without you, I would be a completely different person. You have taught me so much about life and because of you, I truly know what love is.

How special they are –

You are such a special person. When I think about the fact that you are in my life, I truly cannot believe how lucky I am to have found you. You are so caring, loving, and thoughtful. I know that I couldn’t have found a better person than you to live my life with. You are truly one of a kind, a diamond in the rough, a golden ticket that I am lucky to have won. I am so lucky and so grateful that you chose me.

Growing old together –

There are so many people out there in the world, but you are the one person in the entire universe that I can imagine happily growing old with. No matter how much time passes by or how old we get, no matter how many gray hairs and wrinkles we both end up getting, I know that you are the one person in the world that I am truly meant to grow old with. I love you so much for who you are and I could never get tired of you, even on the days where we have our disagreements. As long as we are side by side and hand in hand, I can grow old knowing that I am the luckiest person in the world because I will have you right next to me.

A special love –

Our love is something that is truly special and there is no other love like ours in the world. I feel as if I have won the lottery with you, someone who is so special and magical, who makes my life and my world a thousand times better just by being there. When I look at you, I know that I have truly hit the jackpot. All you have to do in order to warm my heart is be the loving, caring person that you are. Together, we can do so much and help each other realize our dreams because we truly have a love that is special.

A promise –

While I cannot give you a magnificent palace or all of the jewels in the world, there are some things that I can promise to give to you. I promise that I will love you until the end of my days on this Earth. I promise you that I will never stop appreciating everything that you do for me. I promise to never stop cherishing the relationship and life that we have built together. I promise to do my part in keeping our relationship alive and happy and strong. I will always do my best to fill your life with happiness and laughter and when times are bad, I will be there to hold your hand and kiss you and embrace you. I will never give up on you and I will never give up on us because I promise to always love you no matter what happens.

A perfect match –

Whether it is mere fate or coincidence that brought us together, it does not really matter. All I know is that we were meant to be together forever. I am made for you and you are made for me. We are a perfect match and we complement each other so well. We always bring out the best in each other and I know that even though there are billions of people in the world, I know without a doubt in my mind that you are the only person in the world for me. We are a match made in heaven and a perfect match here on Earth.

A special feeling –

When I look at you, I always feel so much stronger and surer of myself. When I think about you, I feel so happy knowing that there is someone out there in the world who loves me as much as I love them. You always make me feel like anything in this world is possible. With your love, it really does feel like I can do anything that I set my mind to. Your love is a miracle that I am so happy to have received. Being with you is a special feeling that I never want to lose. Knowing you and having you in my life has filled me with so much hope and a deeper sense of appreciation for everything that I have in my life. Because of you, I feel special and I know that what we have together is special.

A strong bond –

What we have together is unique. It is a special bond that is strong and unbreakable. We can make it through anything we encounter and we only grow stronger from the trials we face together. Together, we are strong. Being with you has made me a better person and I can’t believe that I found you. Ever since I met you, I never want to let you go. The attraction that you and I share is one that is so intense and I never want to be separated from you.

Always there for you –

I hope that you know that I will always be there for you. Not just for the good times when we are celebrating and enjoying life, but for the bad times as well. When you are sad, stressed out, or angry, just know that I will be by your side to see you through the tough times. I will hold your hand and lead you through the storm. And when things are going great, I will be there to cheer you on and dance with you.

Feeling blessed –

You are such a gift to me. Having you in my life is such a blessing. Every day, I thank God that you are in my life and that you are by my side. I am so blessed to be able to call you mine and to be called yours. I pray that I will always be able to give you what you need in life and that you will always be there to hold my hand and that you will continue to walk with me on this journey that we call life.

An adventure –

Knowing you has been such an amazing adventure. Ever since I met you, I knew that my life would never ever be the same again. Since I have known you, life has never been sweeter. Thanks to you, my life is more exciting and full of happiness. You have helped me open so many doors that I would have left closed and undiscovered if it were not for you.  With you, I am bolder, less afraid, and ready to conquer my next adventure. Knowing you, loving you, and being loved by you in return has been the best adventure of my life and I never want our adventure to come to an end.

The person of my dreams –

I always thought I knew who the man / woman of my dreams was until I met you. Any thoughts I could have of the perfect person went out the window when you came into my life. You have exceeded all of my expectations. Even with your flaws you are perfect because you are the perfect person for me. I could not have dreamed up a better person. Being with you is like being in a dream that I never want to wake up from.

You may also like our article: Relationship Questions.

These are just some of the many ways that you can express your thoughts and feelings to the special person in your life. As you can see, a love paragraph can effectively convey the right message to him or her. No matter what you are feeling, if you have special someone, then you are no doubt always thinking of them. Whether you are feeling excited, amorous, sorry, or find that you miss them greatly, these letters can help you express yourself in a way that shows the other person just how you are feeling.

Keep in mind that you do not need to use these exact love letters when corresponding with your significant other. You can also just use these paragraphs to inspire you to write your own unique letter to that special person in your life.

With these love messages, you will be able to communicate a little better with your special someone and they will definitely appreciate the gesture. Opening the lines of communication can have the ability to improve your relationship and it might even take your romantic relationship to new depths that you have not yet experienced. Communicating with love letters can also rekindle a spark that you once thought was gone. Either way, communicating your love for another person through words is a great way to keep your relationship growing strong.

Infographics

• Relationships

To Find Love and Meaning in Life, First Find Your Purpose

Chasing your passion often comes with personal and professional benefits..

Posted May 9, 2024 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

• Why Relationships Matter
• Find a therapist to strengthen relationships
• Studies have found that purposeful people are more attractive overall than those who have no sense of purpose.
• The first step toward finding your purpose is believing you have one.
• A higher sense of purpose often results in more positive relationship outcomes.

What motivates and has meaning for you, helps you set goals , and makes you feel your life is moving in a clear forward direction? If you can easily answer those questions, if you believe your life has meaning and that you have a reason for being right here, right now, you’re much more likely on track to find your unique purpose in life and a path to success and happiness than someone who feels no particular calling or direction.

To find your purpose, start with the understanding that a purposeful life is a life filled with meaning and direction. Finding purpose requires self-reflection on your past life experiences and how they have affected you, opening yourself up to diverse ideas and experiences, and, ultimately, actively participating in your most meaningful areas of interest.

A small study led by researchers at Washington University in St. Louis found that narrowing down life’s many options to those that motivate you, and leave you feeling satisfied and positive about yourself, not only helps you find people to whom you are attracted but also helps them find you. And that may well include a long-term romantic partner, if that’s what you seek.

After setting up fake profiles on a dating app of people who appeared to have a strong sense of purpose as well as people with no real sense of purpose beyond themselves, the researchers asked 119 men and women to read and rank each on their attractiveness as romantic partners. Overall, the researchers reported, profiles of people called to a higher purpose—wanting to help others (i.e., volunteering community service), following a strong creative drive (i.e., having a passion for acting, writing, dancing or visual arts), focusing on financial goals (i.e., pursuing wealth) or strongly centering their lives around relationships with loved ones—were perceived to be more attractive as potential romantic partners than those who expressed no particular purpose at all.

The highest rank for potential partners went to profiles of individuals most focused on their relationships, followed by those with a creative profile, and then those who were committed to helping others. Interestingly, the profiles primarily focused on finances were ranked lower in appeal than any of the others.

According to Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, intimacy, passion, and commitment are three components necessary for successful consummate, or complete, love. Other types and stages of love, from friendship and infatuation to romantic and companionate love, contain and often survive on just one or two of these components. In any case, commitment must be a component of any relationship if it is to be sustained.

Earlier studies have shown that those who have a higher sense of purpose, regardless of the category of purpose, report more positive relationship outcomes than those who don’t feel purposeful or are not pursuing a broader purpose in life. Research suggests this could be because highly purposeful people are also highly motivated people who invest more in their personal relationships and are therefore more committed to taking steps to resolve inevitable conflicts and sustain the intimacy and passion felt in a healthy, consummate relationship. Someone with a lesser sense of purpose may feel less invested in a romantic relationship and therefore be less motivated to take those same steps to protect that relationship.

But the benefits of having and feeling purpose extend well beyond finding like-minded thinkers and a near-perfect partner. Purposeful people have also been found to have better time management skills, better emotional regulation , less negativity and reactivity in stressful situations, and greater overall life satisfaction than those who feel little to no purpose in life. The purposeful are more resilient when faced with setbacks, and motivated to find the time and resources necessary to reach their goals, both personal and professional.

D’Ottone IC, Pfund GN, Hill PL. Purposeful Partners: Potential Relationship Quality and Sense of Purpose. International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology, 2023

Yemiscigil A, Yilmaz MS, Lee MT. How to Find Your Purpose. Harvard Business Review. September 15, 2023

Pfund GN. Hill PL. The Multifaceted Benefits of Purpose in Life. The International Forum for Logotherapy.(2018) 41; 27-37

Susan McQuillan is a food, health, and lifestyle writer.

• Find a Therapist
• Find a Treatment Center
• Find a Psychiatrist
• Find a Support Group
• Find Online Therapy
• United States
• Brooklyn, NY
• Chicago, IL
• Houston, TX
• Los Angeles, CA
• New York, NY
• Portland, OR
• San Diego, CA
• San Francisco, CA
• Seattle, WA
• Washington, DC
• Asperger's
• Bipolar Disorder
• Chronic Pain
• Eating Disorders
• Passive Aggression
• Personality
• Goal Setting
• Positive Psychology
• Stopping Smoking
• Low Sexual Desire
• Child Development
• Self Tests NEW
• Therapy Center
• Diagnosis Dictionary
• Types of Therapy

At any moment, someone’s aggravating behavior or our own bad luck can set us off on an emotional spiral that threatens to derail our entire day. Here’s how we can face our triggers with less reactivity so that we can get on with our lives.

• Emotional Intelligence
• Gaslighting
• Affective Forecasting
• Neuroscience

Choose Your Test

Sat / act prep online guides and tips, how to write a perfect "why this college" essay.

College Essays

Did you think you were all done pouring out your blood, sweat, and tears in written form for your personal statement , only to be faced with the "why this college?" supplemental essay? This question might seem simple but is in fact a crucial and potentially tricky part of many college applications. What exactly is the "why us?" essay trying to understand about you? And how do you answer this question without falling into its many pitfalls or making any rookie mistakes?

In this article, I'll explain why colleges want you to be able to explain why you are applying. I'll also discuss how to generate and brainstorm topics for this question and how to make yourself sound sincere and committed. Finally, we'll go over some "why this school?" essay do s and don't s.

This article is pretty detailed, so here's a brief overview of what we'll be covering:

Why Do Colleges Want You to Write a "Why Us?" Essay?

Two types of "why this college" essay prompts, step 1: research the school, step 2: brainstorm potential essay topics, step 3: nail the execution, example of a great "why this college" essay.

College admissions officers have to read an incredible amount of student work to put together a winning class, so trust me when I say that everything they ask you to write is meaningful and important .

The purpose of the "why us?" essay goes two ways. On one hand, seeing how you answer this question gives admissions officers a sense of whether you know and value their school .

On the other hand, having to verbalize why you are applying gives you the chance to think about what you want to get out of your college experience  and whether your target schools fit your goals and aspirations.

What Colleges Get Out Of Reading Your "Why This College?" Essay

Colleges want to check three things when they read this essay.

First, they want to see that you have a sense of what makes this college different and special.

• Do you know something about the school's mission, history, or values?
• Have you thought about the school's specific approach to learning?
• Are you comfortable with the school's traditions and the overall feel of student life here?

Second, they want proof that you will be a good fit for the school.

• Where do your interests lie? Do they correspond to this school's strengths?
• Is there something about you that meshes well with some aspect of the school?
• How will you contribute to college life? How will you make your mark on campus?

And third, they want to see that this school will, in turn, be a good fit for you.

• What do you want to get out of college? Will this college be able to provide that? Will this school contribute to your future success?
• What will you take advantage of on campus (e.g., academic programs, volunteer or travel opportunities, internships, or student organizations)?
• Will you succeed academically? Does this school provide the right rigor and pace for your ideal learning environment?

What You Get Out Of Writing Your "Why This College?" Essay

Throughout this process of articulating your answers to the questions above, you will also benefit in a couple of key ways:

It Lets You Build Excitement about the School

Finding specific programs and opportunities at schools you are already happy about will give you a grounded sense of direction for when you start school . At the same time, by describing what is great about schools that are low on your list, you'll likely boost your enthusiasm for these colleges and keep yourself from feeling that they're nothing more than lackluster fallbacks.

It Helps You Ensure That You're Making the Right Choice

Writing the "why us?" essay can act as a moment of clarity. It's possible that you won't be able to come up with any reasons for applying to a particular school. If further research fails to reveal any appealing characteristics that fit with your goals and interests, this school is likely not for you.

At the end of your four years, you want to feel like this, so take your "Why This College?" essay to heart.

The "why this college?" essay is best thought of as a back-and-forth between you and the college . This means that your essay will really be answering two separate, albeit related, questions:

• "Why us?": This is where you explain what makes the school special in your eyes, what attracted you to it, and what you think you'll get out of your experience there.
• "Why you?": This is the part where you talk about why you'll fit in at the school; what qualities, skills, talents, or abilities you'll contribute to student life; and how your future will be impacted by the school and its opportunities.

Colleges usually use one of these approaches to frame this essay , meaning that your essay will lean heavier toward whichever question is favored in the prompt. For example, if the prompt is all about "why us?" you'll want to put your main focus on praising the school. If the prompt instead is mostly configured as "why you?" you'll want to dwell at length on your fit and potential.

It's good to remember that these two prompts are simply two sides of the same coin. Your reasons for wanting to apply to a particular school can be made to fit either of these questions.

For instance, say you really want the chance to learn from the world-famous Professor X. A "why us?" essay might dwell on how amazing an opportunity studying with him would be for you, and how he anchors the Telepathy department.

Meanwhile, a "why you?" essay would point out that your own academic telepathy credentials and future career goals make you an ideal student to learn from Professor X, a renowned master of the field.

Next up, I'll show you some real-life examples of what these two different approaches to the same prompt look like.

Clarifying why you want to study with a particular professor in a specific department can demonstrate to college admissions staff that you've done your research on the school.

"Why Us?" Prompts

• Why [this college]?
• Why are you interested in [this college]?
• Why is [this college] a good choice for you?
• What do you like best about [this college]?
• Why do you want to attend [this college]?

Below are some examples of actual "why us?" college essay prompts:

• Colorado College : "Describe how your personal experiences with a particular community make you a student who would benefit from Colorado College’s Block Plan."
• Tufts University : " I am applying to Tufts because… "
• Tulane University : "Describe why you are interested in joining the Tulane community. Consider your experiences, talents, and values to illustrate what you would contribute to the Tulane community if admitted." (via the Common App )
• University of Michigan : "Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests?"
• Wellesley College : " When choosing a college, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. We know that there are more than 100 reasons to choose Wellesley, but it's a good place to start. Visit the Wellesley 100 and select two items that attract, inspire, or celebrate what you would bring to our community. Have fun! Use this opportunity to reflect personally on what items appeal to you most and why. "

In a "why us?" essay, focus on the specific aspects of the school that appeal to you and how you will flourish because of those offerings.

"Why You?" Prompts

• Why are you a good match or fit for us?
• What are your interests, and how will you pursue them at [this college]?
• What do you want to study, and how will that correspond to our program?
• What or how will you contribute?
• Why you at [this college]?
• Why are you applying to [this college]?

Here are some examples of the "why you?" version of the college essay:

• Babson College : " A defining element of the Babson experience is learning and thriving in an equitable and inclusive community with a wide range of perspectives and interests. Please share something about your background, lived experiences, or viewpoint(s) that speaks to how you will contribute to and learn from Babson's collaborative community. "
• Bowdoin College : "Generations of students have found connection and meaning in Bowdoin's 'The Offer of the College.' ... Which line from the Offer resonates most with you? Optional: The Offer represents Bowdoin's values. Please reflect on the line you selected and how it has meaning to you." (via the Common App )

In a "why you?" essay, focus on how your values, interests, and motivations align with the school's offerings and how you'll contribute to campus life.

No matter how the prompt is worded, this essay is a give-and-take of what you and the college have to offer each other. Your job is to quickly zoom in on your main points and use both precision and detail to sound sincere, excited, and authentic.

How do you effectively explain the benefits you see this particular school providing for you and the contributions you will bring to the table as a student there? And how can you do this best using the small amount of space that you have (usually just one to two paragraphs)?

In this section, we'll go through the process of writing the "Why This College?" essay, step-by-step. First, I'll talk about the prep work you'll need to do. Next, we'll go through how to brainstorm good topics (and touch on what topics to avoid). I'll give you some tips on transforming your ideas and research into an actual essay. Finally, I'll take apart an actual "why us?" essay to show you why and how it works.

Before you can write about a school, you'll need to know specific things that make it stand out and appeal to you and your interests . So where do you look for these? And how do you find the details that will speak to you? Here are some ways you can learn more about a school.

In-Person Campus Visits

If you're going on college tours , you've got the perfect opportunity to gather information about the school. Bring a notepad and write down the following:

• Your tour guide's name
• One to two funny, surprising, or enthusiastic things your guide said about the school
• Any unusual features of the campus, such as buildings, sculptures, layout, history, or traditions

Try to also connect with students or faculty while you're there. If you visit a class, note which class it is and who teaches it. See whether you can briefly chat with a student (e.g., in the class you visit, around campus, or in a dining hall), and ask what they like most about the school or what has been most surprising about being there.

Don't forget to write down the answer! Trust me, you'll forget it otherwise—especially if you do this on multiple college visits.

Virtual Campus Visits

If you can't visit a campus in person, the next best thing is an online tour , either from the school's own website or from other websites, such as YOUniversityTV , CampusTours , or YouTube (search "[School Name] + tour").

You can also connect with students without visiting the campus in person . Some admissions websites list contact information for currently enrolled students you can email to ask one or two questions about what their experience of the school has been like.

Or if you know what department, sport, or activity you're interested in, you can ask the admissions office to put you in touch with a student who is involved with that particular interest.

If you can't visit a campus in person, request a video chat with admissions staff, a current student, or a faculty member to get a better sense of specific topics you might write about in your essay.

Alumni Interview

If you have an interview , ask your interviewer questions about their experience at the school and about what going to that school has done for them since graduation. As always, take notes!

College Fairs

If you have a chance to go to a college fair where your ideal college has representatives, don't just attend and pick up a brochure. Instead, e ngage the representatives in conversation, and ask them about what they think makes the school unique .  Jot down notes on any interesting details they tell you.

The College's Own Materials

Colleges publish lots and lots of different admissions materials—and all of these will be useful for your research. Here are some suggestions for what you can use. (You should be able to find all of the following resources online.)

Brochures and Course Catalogs

Read the mission statement of the school; does its educational philosophy align with yours? You should also read through its catalogs. Are there any programs, classes, departments, or activities that seem tailor-made for you in some way?

Pro Tip: These interesting features you find should be unusual in some way or different from what other schools offer. For example, being fascinated with the English department isn't going to cut it unless you can discuss its unusual focus, its world-renowned professors, or the different way it structures the major that appeals to you specifically.

Alumni Magazine

Are any professors highlighted? Does their research speak to you or connect with a project you did in high school or for an extracurricular?

Sometimes alumni magazines will highlight a college's new focus or new expansion. Does the construction of a new engineering school relate to your intended major? There might also be some columns or letters written by alumni who talk about what going to this particular school has meant to them. What stands out about their experiences?

School or Campus Newspaper

Students write about the hot issues of the day, which means that the articles will be about the best and worst things on campus . It'll also give you insight into student life, opportunities that are available to students, activities you can do off campus, and so on.

The College's Social Media

Your ideal school is most likely on Facebook, X (formerly Twitter), Instagram, TikTok, and other social media. Follow the school to see what it's posting about.  Are there any exciting new campus developments? Professors in the news? Interesting events, clubs, or activities?

The Internet

Wikipedia is a great resource for learning basic details about a college's history, traditions, and values. I also recommend looking for forums on College Confidential that specifically deal with the school you're researching.

Another option is to search on Google for interesting phrases, such as "What students really think about [School Name]" or "[School Name] student forum." This will help you get detailed points of view, comments about specific programs or courses, and insight into real student life.

So what should you do now that you've completed a bunch of research? Answer: use it to develop connection points between you and your dream school. These connections will be the skeleton of your "why this college?" essay.

Find the Gems in Your Research

You have on hand all kinds of information, from your own personal experiences on campus and your conversations with people affiliated with your ideal school to what you've learned from campus publications and tidbits gleaned from the web.

Now, it's time to sift through all of your notes to find the three to five things that really speak to you. Link what you've learned about the school to how you can plug into this school's life, approach, and environment. That way, no matter whether your school's prompt is more heavily focused on the "why us?" or "why you?" part of the give-and-take, you'll have an entry point into the essay.

But what should these three to five things be? What should you keep in mind when you're looking for the gem that will become your topic?

Here are some words of wisdom from Calvin Wise , director of recruitment and former associate director of admissions at Johns Hopkins University (emphasis mine):

" Focus on what makes us unique and why that interests you. Do your research, and articulate a multidimensional connection to the specific college or university. We do not want broad statements (the brick pathways and historic buildings are beautiful) or a rehash of the information on our website (College X offers a strong liberal arts curriculum). All institutions have similarities. We want you to talk about our differences. "

Time to find that diamond, amethyst, opal, tourmaline, or amber in the rough.

Check Your Gems for Color and Clarity

When I say "check your gems," I mean make sure that each of the three to five things you've found is something your ideal school has that other schools don't have.

This something should be seen from your own perspective. The point isn't to generically praise the school but instead to go into detail about why it's so great for you that they have this thing.

This something you find should be meaningful to the school and specific to you. For example, if you focus on academics (e.g., courses, instructors, opportunities, or educational philosophy), find a way to link them either to your previous work or to your future aspirations.

This something should not be shallow and nonspecific. Want to live in a city? Every city has more than one college in it. Find a way to explain why this specific college in this specific city calls to you. Like pretty architecture? Many schools are beautiful, so dwell on why this particular place feels unlike any other. Like good weather, beach, skiing, or some other geographical attribute? There are many schools located near these places, and they know that people enjoy sunbathing. Either build a deeper connection or skip these as reasons.

Convert Your Gems into Essay Topics

Every "why this college?" essay is going to answer both the "why us?" and the "why you?" parts of the back-and-forth equation. But depending on which way your target school has worded its prompt, you'll lean more heavily on that part . This is why I'm going to split this brainstorming into two parts—to go with the "why us?" and "why you?" types of questions.

Of course, since they are both sides of the same coin, you can always easily flip each of these ideas around to have it work well for the other type of prompt . For example, a "why us?" essay might talk about how interesting the XYZ interdisciplinary project is and how it fits well with your senior project.

By contrast, a "why you?" essay would take the same idea but flip it to say that you've learned through your senior project how you deeply value an interdisciplinary approach to academics, making you a great fit for this school and its commitment to such work, as evidenced by project XYZ.

Describing how project XYZ demonstrates your investment in a particular course of study that then happens to align with a specific program at the university is an effective approach to the "why you?" essay.

Possible "Why Us?" Topics

• How a particular program of study, internship requirement, or volunteer connection will help further your specific career goals .
• The school's interesting approach to your future major (if you know what that will be) or a major that combines several disciplines that appeal to you and fit with your current academic work and interests.
• How the school handles financial aid and the infrastructure setup for low-income students and what that means for you in terms of opening doors.
• A story about how you became interested in the school (if you learned about it in an interesting way). For example, did the institution host a high school contest you took part in? Did you attend an art exhibit or stage performance there that you enjoyed and that your own artistic work aligns with?
• How you overcame an initial disinterest in the school (be sure to minimize this first negative impression). Did you do more research? Interact with someone on campus? Learn about the school's commitment to the community? Learn about interesting research being done there?
• A positive interaction you had with current students, faculty, or staff, as long as this is more than just, "Everyone I met was really nice."
• An experience you had while on a campus tour. Was there a super-passionate tour guide? Any information that surprised you? Did something happen to transform your idea about the school or campus life (in a good way)?
• Interesting interdisciplinary work going on at the university and how that connects with your academic interests, career goals, or previous high school work.
• The history of the school —but only if it's meaningful to you in some way. Has the school always been committed to fostering minority, first-generation, or immigrant students? Was it founded by someone you admire? Did it take an unpopular (but, to you, morally correct) stance at some crucial moment in history?
• An amazing professor you can't wait to learn from. Is there a chemistry professor whose current research meshes with a science fair project you did? A professor who's a renowned scholar on your favorite literary or artistic period or genre? A professor whose book on economics finally made you understand the most recent financial crisis?
• A class that sounds fascinating , especially if it's in a field you want to major in.
• A facility or piece of equipment you can't wait to work in or with  and that doesn't exist in many other places. Is there a specialty library with rare medieval manuscripts? Is there an observatory?
• A required curriculum that appeals to you because it provides a solid grounding in the classics, shakes up the traditional canon, connects all the students on campus in one intellectual project, or is taught in a unique way.

If the school can boast a cutting-edge laboratory where you dream of conducting research, that would be a strong focus for a "Why Us?" essay.

Possible "Why You?" Topics

• Do you want to continue a project you worked on in high school? Talk about how or where in the current course, club, and program offerings this work would fit in. Why will you be a good addition to the team?
• Have you always been involved in a community service project that's already being done on campus? Write about integrating life on campus with events in the surrounding community.
• Do you plan to keep performing in the arts, playing music, working on the newspaper, or engaging in something else you were seriously committed to in high school? Discuss how excited you are to join that existing organization.
• Are you the perfect person to take advantage of an internship program (e.g., because you have already worked in this field, were exposed to it through your parents, or have completed academic work that gives you some experience with it)?
• Are you the ideal candidate for a study abroad opportunity (e.g., because you can speak the language of the country, it's a place where you've worked or studied before, or your career goals are international in some respect)?
• Are you a stand-out match for an undergraduate research project (e.g., because you'll major in this field, you've always wanted to work with this professor, or you want to pursue research as a career option)?
• Is there something you were deeply involved with that doesn't currently exist on campus? Offer to start a club for it. And I mean a club; you aren't going to magically create a new academic department or even a new academic course, so don't try offering that. If you do write about this, make double (and even triple) sure that the school doesn't already have a club, course, or program for this interest.
• What are some of the programs or activities you plan to get involved with on campus , and what unique qualities will you bring to them?
• Make this a mini version of a personal statement you never wrote.  Use this essay as another chance to show a few more of the skills, talents, or passions that don't appear in your actual college essay. What's the runner-up interest that you didn't write about? What opportunity, program, or offering at the school lines up with it?

One way to impress admissions staff in a "Why You?" essay is to discuss your fascination with a particular topic in a specific discipline, such as kinetic sculpture, and how you want to pursue that passion (e.g., as a studio art major).

Possible Topics for a College That's Not Your First Choice

• If you're writing about a school you're not completely psyched about, one way to sidestep the issue is to focus on what getting this degree will do for you in the future . How do you see yourself changing existing systems, helping others, or otherwise succeeding?
• Alternatively, discuss what the school values academically, socially, environmentally, or philosophically and how this connects with what you also care about . Does it have a vegan, organic, and cruelty-free cafeteria? A relationship with a local farm or garden? De-emphasized fraternity involvement? Strong commitment to environmental issues? Lots of opportunities to contribute to the community surrounding the school? Active inclusion and a sense of belonging for various underrepresented groups?
• Try to find at least one or two features you're excited about for each of the schools on your list. If you can't think of a single reason why this would be a good place for you to go, maybe you shouldn't be applying there!

Topics to Avoid in Your Essay

• Don't write about general characteristics, such as a school's location (or the weather in that location), reputation, or student body size. For example, anyone applying to the Webb Institute , which has just about 100 students , should by all means talk about having a preference for tiny, close-knit communities. By contrast, schools in sunny climates know that people enjoy good weather, but if you can't connect the outdoors with the college itself, think of something else to say.
• Don't talk about your sports fandom. Saying, "I can see myself in crimson and white/blue and orange/[some color] and [some other color]" is both overused and not a persuasive reason for wanting to go to a particular college. After all, you could cheer for a team without going to the school! Unless you're an athlete, you're an aspiring mascot performer, or you have a truly one-of-a-kind story to tell about your link to the team, opt for a different track.
• Don't copy descriptions from the college's website to tell admissions officers how great their institution is. They don't want to hear praise; they want to hear how you connect with their school. So if something on the college brochure speaks to you, explain why this specific detail matters to you and how your past experiences, academic work, extracurricular interests, or hobbies relate to that detail.
• Don't use college rankings as a reason you want to go to a school. Of course prestige matters, but schools that are ranked right next to each other on the list are at about the same level of prestige. What makes you choose one over the other?
• If you decide to write about a future major, don't just talk about what you want to study and why . Make sure that you also explain why you want to study this thing at this particular school . What do they do differently from other colleges?
• Don't wax poetic about the school's pretty campus. "From the moment I stepped on your campus, I knew it was the place for me" is another cliché—and another way to say basically nothing about why you actually want to go to this particular school. Lots of schools are pretty, and many are pretty in the exact same way.

Pop quiz: This pretty gothic building is on what college campus? Yes, that's right—it could be anywhere.

When you've put together the ideas that will make up your answer to the "why us?" question, it's time to build them into a memorable essay. Here are some tips for doing that successfully:

• Jump right in. The essay is short, so there's no need for an introduction or conclusion. Spend the first paragraph delving into your best one or two reasons for applying. Then, use the second paragraph to go into slightly less detail about reasons 2 (or 3) through 5.
• To thine own self be true. Write in your own voice, and be sincere about what you're saying. Believe me—the reader can tell when you mean it and when you're just blathering!
• Details, details, details. Show the school that you've done your research. Are there any classes, professors, clubs, or activities you're excited about at the school? Be specific (e.g., "I'm fascinated by the work Dr. Jenny Johnson has done with interactive sound installations").
• If you plan on attending if admitted, say so. Colleges care about the numbers of acceptances deeply, so it might help to know you're a sure thing. But don't write this if you don't mean it!
• Don't cut and paste the same essay for every school. At least once, you'll most likely forget to change the school name or some other telling detail. You also don't want to have too much vague, cookie-cutter reasoning, or else you'll start to sound bland and forgettable.

For more tips, check out our step-by-step essay-writing advice .

Avoid cookie-cutter responses to "why this college?" essay prompts. Instead, provide an essay that's personalized to that particular institution.

At this point, it'll be helpful to take a look at a "why us?" essay that works and figure out what the author did to create a meaningful answer to this challenging question.

Here is a "Why Tufts?" essay from James Gregoire '19 for Tufts University :

It was on my official visit with the cross country team that I realized Tufts was the perfect school for me. Our topics of conversation ranged from Asian geography to efficient movement patterns, and everyone spoke enthusiastically about what they were involved in on campus. I really related with the guys I met, and I think they represent the passion that Tufts' students have. I can pursue my dream of being a successful entrepreneur by joining the Tufts Entrepreneurs Society, pursuing an Entrepreneurial Leadership minor, and taking part in an up-and-coming computer science program.

Here are some of the main reasons this essay is so effective:

• Interaction with current students. James writes about hanging out with the cross-country team and sounds excited about meeting them.
• "I'm a great fit." He uses the conversation with the cross-country team members to talk about his own good fit here ("I really related with the guys I met").
• Why the school is special. James also uses the conversation as a way to show that he enjoys the variety of opportunities Tufts offers (their fun conversation covers Asian geography, movement patterns, and other things they "were involved with on campus").
• Taking advantage of this specialness. James doesn't just list things Tufts offers but also explains which of them are of specific value to him. He's interested in being an entrepreneur, so the Tufts Entrepreneurs Society and the Entrepreneurial Leadership courses appeal to him.
• Awareness of what the school is up to. Finally, James shows that he's aware of the latest Tufts developments when he mentions the new computer science program.

The Bottom Line: Writing a Great "Why This College?" Essay

• Proof that you understand what makes this college different and special
• Evidence that you'll be a good fit at this school
• Evidence that this college will, in turn, be a good fit for you

The prompt may be phrased in one of two ways: "Why us?" or "Why you?" But these are sides of the same coin and will be addressed in your essay regardless of the prompt style.

Writing the perfect "why this school?" essay requires you to first research the specific qualities and characteristics of this school that appeal to you. You can find this information by doing any or all of the following:

• Visiting campuses in person or virtually to interact with current students and faculty
• Posing questions to your college interviewer or to representatives at college fairs
• Reading the college's own materials , such as its brochures, official website, alumni magazine, campus newspaper, and social media
• Looking at other websites that talk about the school

To find a topic to write about for your essay, find the three to five things that really speak to you about the school , and then link each of them to yourself, your interests, your goals, or your strengths.

Avoid using clichés that could be true for any school, such as architecture, geography, weather, or sports fandom. Instead, focus on the details that differentiate your intended school from all the others .

What's Next?

Are you also working on your personal statement? If you're using the Common App, check out our complete breakdown of the Common App prompts and learn how to pick the best prompt for you .

If you're applying to a University of California school, we've got an in-depth article on how to write effective UC personal statements .

And if you're submitting ApplyTexas applications, read our helpful guide on how to approach the many different ApplyTexas essay prompts .

Struggling with the college application process as a whole? Our expert guides teach you how to ask for recommendations , how to write about extracurriculars , and how to research colleges .

Anna scored in the 99th percentile on her SATs in high school, and went on to major in English at Princeton and to get her doctorate in English Literature at Columbia. She is passionate about improving student access to higher education.

Ask a Question Below

Have any questions about this article or other topics? Ask below and we'll reply!

Improve With Our Famous Guides

• For All Students

The 5 Strategies You Must Be Using to Improve 160+ SAT Points

How to Get a Perfect 1600, by a Perfect Scorer

Series: How to Get 800 on Each SAT Section:

Score 800 on SAT Math

Score 800 on SAT Reading

Score 800 on SAT Writing

Series: How to Get to 600 on Each SAT Section:

Score 600 on SAT Math

Score 600 on SAT Reading

Score 600 on SAT Writing

Free Complete Official SAT Practice Tests

What SAT Target Score Should You Be Aiming For?

15 Strategies to Improve Your SAT Essay

The 5 Strategies You Must Be Using to Improve 4+ ACT Points

How to Get a Perfect 36 ACT, by a Perfect Scorer

Series: How to Get 36 on Each ACT Section:

36 on ACT English

36 on ACT Math

36 on ACT Reading

36 on ACT Science

Series: How to Get to 24 on Each ACT Section:

24 on ACT English

24 on ACT Math

24 on ACT Reading

24 on ACT Science

What ACT target score should you be aiming for?

ACT Vocabulary You Must Know

ACT Writing: 15 Tips to Raise Your Essay Score

How to Get Into Harvard and the Ivy League

How to Get a Perfect 4.0 GPA

How to Write an Amazing College Essay

What Exactly Are Colleges Looking For?

Is the ACT easier than the SAT? A Comprehensive Guide

Should you retake your SAT or ACT?

When should you take the SAT or ACT?

Stay Informed

Get the latest articles and test prep tips!

Looking for Graduate School Test Prep?

Check out our top-rated graduate blogs here:

GRE Online Prep Blog

GMAT Online Prep Blog

TOEFL Online Prep Blog

Holly R. "I am absolutely overjoyed and cannot thank you enough for helping me!”

• Student Spotlights
• Get Started Guide
• Poster Presentations
• Research Opportunities

Of the Many Reasons to Love Research

I am constantly asked why I do research and what it is I like about it. For me, it’s more than just gaining experience or improving my resume, it’s every reason— whether good or bad, frustrating or exciting, mundane or extraordinary. There are plenty of reasons to love and to do research, here are a few that come to mind:

• Research makes a difference . There is nothing cooler than knowing that you are contributing to the discovery or development of something that can make a difference in people’s lives or a change in the world! Every contribution matters!
• Research introduces you to great people! Not only does working in research give you the opportunity to work alongside incredible faculty mentors, research also provides the opportunity to work with a mentor and lab group that may serve as guides, counselors, and as friends outside of lab! Shout out to the Mitragotri Group!
• Research is applicable. One really cool thing about research is that it transcends beyond what is taught in the classroom and enables you to apply all that you know or have been taught and apply that knowledge into what you are learning and doing in lab.
• Research can help you!  As mentioned above, research can enhance both your professional and academic credentials for future graduate/professional school or for career advancement. It can also help support applications for internships, scholarships, and other awards!
• Research opens doors. Participating in research can afford the opportunity to go present your work at professional conferences, to meet other researchers like yourself, and to participate in great events. Research can also aid in networking and in making contacts early into your career! (Check out Lunch with Faculty every quarter!)
• Research changes the pace . Unlike with practice set exercises or protocol lab experiments with predetermined solutions and expected results, research has you come up with the experiments but also has you come up with the answer. Research makes you think differently by engaging you in the creation of new knowledge.
• Research is challenging. Sometimes, experiments don’t go as well as planned or give you unexpected results. And that’s okay! In these cases, you’re given the opportunity to question you process, make changes, and to think beyond. Research stretches your mind, and challenges and tests you to think of new ideas, new reasons, and new possibilities.
• Research is the future. It’s exciting to be a part of an adventure that will change the face of the future. Research is constantly pushing the frontiers of knowledge, and it’s crazy to think that the theory, the process, or the discovery you make today may determine how the world is structured tomorrow.
• Research doesn’t stop . Every study and every project in the world of research not only provides insights, answers, and details, it poses new questions. And even in the case where answers may be inconclusive, it still puts into consideration what it would take to solidify those answers.
• Research changes you. Somewhere along the way, research helps build traits and characteristics like independent thinking, resilience, communication, and creativity. Research can help mold you into the person you’d like to be while also changing all that you do, value, and hope to achieve!

Whether you’re in research or interested in research, what excites you? Why do you do research? And why do you love it?

Welcome to the Undergraduate Research Blog!

Participate, contributors.

Current Contributors

Blogger Login

• Entries feed
• Comments feed
• WordPress.org

From the Blog

• Pursuing Undergraduate Research March 10, 2020
• From Med School to Research October 8, 2019
• Using Light To Transform Cells October 3, 2019
• We’re Cuckoo for Copepods September 17, 2019
• A Day in the Cleanroom September 10, 2019