essay about being sorry

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“Sincere apologies are for those that make them, not for those to whom they are made.” ~Greg LeMond

When I was growing up, every time I took my sister’s toy or called my brother names, my mother would grab me by the wrist and demanded that I offer an apology. What’s more, if the apology didn’t sound meaningful enough to her, I had to repeat it until my tone was genuine. An apology was the basic reaction to any mistake.

Now that I’m older, I see apologizing as more than just a household rule. My younger self didn’t understand the complexities of human pride and self-righteousness, but my older self does.

Now, I see family members refusing to talk to each other for years after an argument just because neither side wants to be the first to let go of their pride and “break down and apologize.” But who decided apologizing was a sign of weakness?

I think we’ve reached a day and age where showing emotional vulnerability can be viewed as a positive rather than a negative quality.

People are becoming more aware of ideas like empathy and sensitivity, and everywhere we are being encouraged to talk about our feelings, to seek help, and to connect with others. Gone are the days of keeping everything bottled up inside to suffer alone.

As we move forward in this time of self-knowledge and self-discovery, it’s vital to acquire the ability to recognize our own mistakes. Nobody is perfect , and we all will do something to hurt another person at some point in our lives. The difference, however, lies in acknowledging that we have done something wrong.

This was hard for me to grasp, because I was taught that an apology should be an automatic response.

It took me a long time to realize what it meant to say “I’m sorry” from the heart. Apologizing just for the sake of apologizing is meaningless. We cannot genuinely apologize if we can’t admit to ourselves that we made a mistake.

This is where humility comes in. Can we look at ourselves in the mirror and say that it was at least partly our fault? Can we take that responsibility?

Placing the blame on someone else is easy. Making excuses and skirting the subject is easy. Assuming the full weight of blame on our own shoulders, however, is very hard.

I learned this the hard way with a childhood friend of mine. As we grew older, we started becoming more competitive in the things we did together, and eventually the playful competition went a little too far.

It became a game of silently trying to prove who was better, and we ended up hurting each other over our pride.

We refused to apologize or even address what was going on because neither wanted to be the one to “give in.”

The tension kept growing, breaking apart our friendship. I wish I could go back now, because if I had taken responsibility for the mistakes I made, we probably could have resolved it easily and saved our friendship.

Instead, I let my pride take priority over my relationships with the people around me.

Learning to apologize is the first and most important step in the healing process. Not only does it show the recipient that you acknowledge their right to feel hurt, but it opens the way to forgiveness.

It seems so silly, really. I mean, it’s only two tiny words. How can something so small be so powerful?

Well, there have been various scientific studies on the power of apologizing, which have demonstrated that when the victim receives an apology from his offender, he develops empathy toward that person, which later develops more quickly into forgiveness.

This is due to the fact that when we receive an apology, we feel that our offender recognizes our pain and is willing to help us heal.

Timing is an important aspect to keep in mind, as well, because sometimes the other person might not be ready to accept your apology. Sometimes we need to allow time to heal the wounds a little bit before we come forward to say “I’m sorry.”

An apology cannot undo what has been done, but it can help ease the pain and tension of the aftermath. It gives hope for rebuilding, and puts value on the relationship rather than the individual’s pride.

Sometimes people don’t even realize the hurt they are creating around them by failing to take responsibility for their actions. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s someone you know, but everyone knows someone who has suffered from this at some time.

Now is the time to make a change.

Often times those two simple words are worth more than a lifetime of excuses and explanations.

Choose the path of humility. Choose the path of healing. Choose love above pride. Choose to apologize.

Little girl apologizing image via Shutterstock

About Kelsey Frizzell

Kelsey Frizzell is a writer and founder at The Essential You . She is a former high school valedictorian and “poster-child.” Fed up and worn out, she finally shed off the expectations and pressures to make her own way. Leaving everything behind, she moved to Brazil with $600 to her name and is happily living there today. Find her on Facebook .

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80 Apology Paragraphs Straight From The Heart

By Author Lauren Levine

Categories Quotes

Choosing the right words to say sorry to someone you hurt can be tricky. So I collected the best apology paragraphs available online and I’m sure they’ll help you restore much-needed trust, peace, and harmony. Let’s take a look!

Best Apology Paragraphs

1. “My tears are dropping as looking at the raindrops. I remember the moments we shared. As the rain soaks in my skin, I remember our love and realize how stupid I am for hurting you. I’m sorry.”

2. “You’re the only person I can tell all my secrets to, the first person I want to talk to when I wake up, and the last person I want to talk to before I drift off to sleep. I am so sorry for betraying your trust. Your trust is a treasure that I did not treat well. I will work hard to earn that trust back from you.”

3. “Every time I hurt you, I put blisters in myself. Every time I make you angry, I am belittling myself, Every time I complain to you, I downgrade myself. Please forgive me, my love.”

4. “I am sorry for being such a fool. But I am a fool who is in love with you. I am sorry for what I did. I will wait forever if that is how long you need to forgive me. Please accept my sincere apology.”

5. “I am an imperfect being, but this does not justify the mistakes that I have made. I understand that even if I say sorry, it will not change anything. However, I will keep my promise that I will change because I want to become a better person for you.”

6. “You helped me to become a better person. Honestly, I am trying hard to become better for you. I’m sorry that I have hurt you. I humbly ask for your forgiveness.”

7. “I am the luckiest person on this planet to have a partner like you. But I always cause you some headaches. I promise to become the best person that you can be proud of. I’m sorry for the wrongdoings I did.”

8. “I miss the moments when we laugh together, cry together, and tap our backs together. But I hurt you and caused pain you pain. Please remember the happy moments we shared and forgive me.”

9. “You are my priceless love. I’m sorry for not listening to you and going the other way. I realize the huge mistake I commit. I am sorry for hurting you my love .”

10. “I can make the ground shake because of my love. My love can shatter the earth. My heart broke when you left me. I regret and am angry with myself for doing such a stupid act. Please forgive me.”

11. “I may be too late. You may already be gone. Or should I say that I am the one who may be gone from your heart?”

12. “I wish I could travel back in time and not make a mistake. I wish to take back the pain. I wish to fill those pains with joy. I am sorry.”

13. “I feel shame for what I said to you. A simple I’m sorry message may not be enough. But I am willing to do everything to get you back and be my one and only true love.”

14. “How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and unsay everything I said back then. I never meant to be mean. Please, forgive me.”

15. “I don’t deserve you, and that’s why I am apologizing with this sorry message. You are my only true love. If we are meant to be, then somehow, we will make it work. Please forgive me.”

16. “I know sorry is not enough, but you cross my mind every single day. Life without you is difficult and meaningless. Making you happy is my only motto. I’m afraid to lose you. I promise this is the last time. Forgive me, my baby!”

17. “Words can’t describe how sad I’m that I broke your heart. Please forgive me and give me a place in your heart. I cannot live like this. I apologize for everything I did. Without you, my life is nothing.”

18. “I was such a fool to make an argument. Please forgive me, and let me right all my wrongs. I feel like you are miles away from me. After this argument, I realized how much you mean in my life. I’m sorry, baby!”

19. “The biggest mistake I ever made was allowing pride to come in between us. How I wish I had let it off earlier, we wouldn’t be here today. I’m willing to do anything to get back to you again.”

20. “I am in the park, and the sunlight reminds me of your beautiful hair. It reminds me of the laughter and smile we had. I am still waiting for you. I will never stop waiting for you. I am deeply sorry.”

I’m Sorry Paragraphs

1. “My world breaks apart when I see you crying. My heart breaks into pieces realizing I hurt you. I can neither bear this pain nor see you like this. My heart has already been shattered into pieces. I’m sorry!”

2. “I know you are mad at me right now. I hate seeing you cry. I have myself realizing that I have hurt you. Please, give us a chance to fix this.”

3. “Can we, please, bury the argument and move on? I know this is unforgivable. I know you can never love me like before, but I cannot lose you, baby. Sorry, the love of my life!”

4. “Baby, we promised not to allow anything to get in our way. I’m sorry for the mistake I did that disappointed you and made you angry. I hope and pray that you can forgive me.”

5. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I’m sending you this love message in a card to let you know that I love everything about you, always, every single day.”

6. “Yesterday was the saddest moment for me as I cannot believe that we made a fight last night. I’m sorry for whatever the cause is. I promise that I will change and become good to you.”

See also: 100 Couple Love Fight Quotes To Share With Your Partner

7. “Since the time you accepted me and allowed me to love you, all I ever wanted was to make you happy. I think my effort is not enough, as it did not appear that much. I am sorry for being insensitive. I ask for your forgiveness.”

8. “Our relationship is tested like gold in a fire. It becomes more refined and stronger. May you give me your forgiveness.”

9. “Please excuse my behavior last week. Your criticism was completely justified, and I should have reacted differently to it.”

10. “When we made our vows, we both accepted that we both have small potholes in life. These potholes are the challenges in the freeway of our married life. Can we fix our potholes together?”

11. “When we made our promises in front of the minister, I knew at that time that half of me was in you. Now that we are in this situation, I feel down and cannot function well. Please forgive me.”

12. “Our relationship is still sweet, even if you add a little saltiness. I’m sorry for the silly mistakes that I have made. I know what I did wasn’t cool. I’m sorry.”

13. “Yesterday was the best time of my life. Thank you for hugging me despite the wrong actions that I have done. You are truly my best friend and lover. I’m truly sorry for hurting you.”

14. “Your presence is like heaven to me. You comforted me. Now that a single mistake made it dull, I feel alone and sorry. Please forgive me.”

15. “It’s not easy to apologize. I hope you see my apology comes from the heart. And I hope you put our love above my mistake.”

16. “They say the best apology is to change your behavior. Let’s spend time together again so that I can show you my new behavior.”

17. “I’m sorry I’m not perfect, and I haven’t been working on it. But you are perfect to me, and I could still learn from you if you let me.”

18. “I truly care about you and love you like crazy. I know a huge amount of sorry messages cannot fix your heart. But I will try my level best to make you happy. I’m sorry, my love.”

19. “I should never say those words to you. I cannot lose you, baby. The only thing I can do right now is to think about you. Seeing you like this shatters my heart. Sorry for breaking your heart, baby.”

20. “I’m sorry that I messed up. But I’ll fix everything, sweetheart. I can live without your love and care, baby. I can fix everything if you give me a last chance. I realized that I was wrong, and so I’m sorry!”

Apology Paragraphs For Her Copy And Paste

1. “You are the only person who taught me that asking for humble forgiveness is the bravest thing I can ever do. It frustrates me because I hurt the feelings of the number 1 woman in my life. That is you, sweetheart. I’m sorry, and I ask for your forgiveness.”

2. “I’m sorry for the wrongdoings I did that disappointed you. You are the best girlfriend in the world, for you never stop being on my side despite my inequities. Please forgive me.”

3. “I’m sorry, my dear, for the pride of my heart. It took time for me to realize that being proud is also breaking you as my wife. I promise to do my very best never to let it happen again.”

4. “May you feel the sincerity of my apology? I’m very sorry for hurting you so much. I’m sorry for the hurting words that came out of my mouth. Please, I am asking for your forgiveness.”

5. “Without you, my life is falling apart. I am a hopeless, miserable man who doesn’t know what to do with his life anymore. Please don’t leave me in this abyss. Forgive my mistakes and stay with me.”

6. “I feel like an idiot, thinking that everything that happened is because of my immature mindset. I regret what happened. I wish I could still have the chance to come back and give you my warm, loving arms. I love you so much, and I am deeply sorry.”

7. “Every day and every night, I am haunted by my thoughts because of the pain I caused you. I regret giving you tears instead of laughter. I really messed up. Please forgive me.”

See also: 90 Best I’m Sorry Paragraphs For Her When You Messed Up

8. “I am too much of an idiot to make such a mistake and cost you to lose your trust in me. Believe me, it is never my intention. I’m sorry, and please forgive me.”

9. “My sweet wife, I’m sorry for being rude and hurting you with my bad mouth. The stress I have in my work is not a good reason for doing such cruelty. Please give me your forgiveness.”

10. “I love you more deeply as you showed me how strong you are as a woman who stood up and corrected me for the mistakes I made. It helped me change my heart and mind. Thank you. I’m sorry for being immature.”

See also: 100 Best I’m Sorry Paragraphs For Her To Make Her Forgive You

Apology Paragraphs For Him

1. “For the last few days, I have felt so lonely. I’m missing the sweetest hug from my man. I miss the nice words while my man is talking. I miss the kindest smile of my man. I am sorry, honey, please forgive me for my actions that hurt you.”

See also: 190 Heartfelt I Miss You Baby Quotes For Emotional Souls

2. “I am ready to do anything. I am ready to do everything. I am ready to take away all the hurt I made you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

3. “You are the hottest guy that deserves the most understanding girlfriend. I’m sorry for the tantrums that caused you to be annoyed. I promise to throw them away and choose you to be my comfort.”

4. “I’m sorry about the mistrust I give you. I realize that I have been so unfair towards you. Can I put my fingers in the spaces between your fingers back again? I love you.”

5. “I’m sorry for making you annoyed with my jealousy and possessive attitude. I am just afraid of the other girls. I promise to work out my temper and trust in your love.”

6. “I feel the pain of realizing that such a small mistake made us suffer like this. What a stupid act of mine. Can we not let our relationship end this way? Please accept me. Please forgive me.”

7. “I am now feeling the emptiness. How can I function now without you? I’m shedding tears because of the stupid mistake. I’m sorry, my love. Please forgive me.”

8. “Dear, I am guilty of what I have done. I beg your forgiveness. You are a man with a big heart. I love you even in times of challenges like this. This will never happen again.”

9. “A handsome, stunning, and loving man can never be mad at me. Please forgive me. I hope we can be back to normal mode because I miss you now.”

10. “Ever since we decided to date, we have met plenty of setbacks, bad times, and challenges. Yet, we never give up and never allow those to rotten our relationship. Can we not let it happen this time?”

See also: Top 120 Most Emotional Sorry Messages For Boyfriend

More Love Paragraphs To Say Sorry

1. “My dearest love, I don’t deserve forgiveness, but I request you to forgive me this time. I know my faults are huge, and I am a bad person to love. But trust me, you were always my first priority and will forever be. I’m sorry.”

2. “I know I’m imperfect, and I make mistakes. I promise not to make the same mistake again to hurt you. I never meant to tell you those words. I’m extremely sorry, and please forgive me, baby.”

3. “I want to enjoy the rest of my life with you. Please forgive me, baby. I won’t hurt you again. No one in this world cannot replace you, and I’m ashamed of myself.”

4. “I’m sorry for neglecting you while giving priority to other people and things. All I can say is I’m ashamed of myself for not treating you properly. Please give me another chance and let me fix everything in the right place.”

5. “While I hurt you, I hurt myself two times more. My heart is filled with sorrow. I’m always ready to make you happy, and I will make you happy in the future. Just give me one chance.”

6. “I’m sorry, babe, for hiding the truth from you. Please believe in me, and I will make everything like before. I am reassured that I will always be there for you, no matter what comes my way. I’m begging you to forgive me.”

7. “I love you, and I want you to know that I am very sorry, babe, for everything I did. You are the perfect partner anyone could ask for. I’m ashamed that I made an argument with you. Please give me time, and I’ll make everything like it used to be.”

8. “I don’t know what to do, knowing that I am the reason behind your tears. I just cling on to the hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

9. “You know how much I hate writing love letters, but for you, I can do anything. Whether it is writing a hundred apology letters. I am writing to let you know that I admit I did wrong to you, and I am sorry. I keep on disappointing you, but you keep on loving me. Please give me one last chance.”

10. “You are my sunshine. You light up my world as no one else can. I am sorry for letting you go. Without you, it’s darkness everywhere. Please forgive me. I will do anything to win your heart back.”

11. “You’ve occupied all of my thoughts. Things are beginning to fall out of place because the only person that gives me life isn’t here with me. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you.”

12. “I am so sorry that my words and actions made you cry. I was not thinking. What can I do to make things better? I would do anything to make you smile again.”

13. “I always believe you are a person with a big heart. I would like to ask for another chance. I am asking humbly for your forgiveness for the things that disappoint you. I will never do this again.”

14. “Since the day you left, my life has crumbled into pieces. I find nowhere to go, and I am so lost. I have realized that without you in my life, it’s empty and incomplete. Please come back. I promise never to break your heart again.”

15. “You know I have never been good at words. So I don’t know if I am choosing the right words or not, but I know that what I feel is true, and I am truly ashamed of what I did. I am sorry.”

16. “My life is a mess without you. How on earth did you think I could live without you being by my side? I miss your good morning messages and your good night wishes. Please forgive me.”

17. “I don’t care how many times I have to say sorry to get your apology. I will do anything to make you happy again. Please never stop loving me. I am sorry for my stupid behavior. Please respond to my text message and let me prove it.”

18. “Before meeting you, I never knew life could be this beautiful. And now, when you are mad at me, there is nothing in this world that makes me happy. All I want is another chance.”

19. “I didn’t know my words would only push you further away. Please forgive me. Just give me one more chance to right my mistake. And I promise, my love, you won’t ever regret doing that.”

20. “My love, I just wanted to let you know that there is nothing in this world that is more dear to me than you are. I know things are not good between us right now, but I know that the love between us will not let you stay angry. I am sorry.”

Final Words

No matter the wrongdoings you may have done, don’t hesitate to use one of the great apology paragraphs from this list to say sorry and ask for forgiveness.

Your sincere apology paragraph will be much appreciated and will definitely get you closer to being forgiven.

Until next time!

• Even Better

Everyone messes up. Here’s how to say you’re sorry.

It’s easy to give a bad apology. Here’s how to give a good one.

by Allie Volpe

If you can’t remember the last time you apologized: congratulations, you are perfect — or at least you believe you are. For the rest of us, apologizing is a common, if difficult, part of life. 

Among the earliest lessons imparted to children is the art of saying sorry, yet these skills don’t always transfer neatly to adulthood. Relationships are messy and both parties often have some level of culpability. However, the biggest obstacle to apologetic bliss isn’t a complicated argument — it’s self-protective motivations. 

Good apologies are notoriously hard to come by, partly because of an inherent resistance to making them in the first place. People are hesitant to apologize because they falsely believe it affects how outsiders perceive them, says ‪ Amy Ebesu Hubbard ‬, a professor at the University of Hawaii Manoa School of Communication and Information. Some view apologizing as admitting defeat and thereby lowering their social status; others think it tarnishes their reputation. On the contrary, a successful apology can bring people closer together and can improve the apologizer’s standing with the receiver, Hubbard says.

There are a number of other psychological barriers preventing people from apologizing, according to Karina Schumann , a professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. Chief among them is a desire to see yourself as a good person — and for others to consider you morally just, too. When someone is upset with you, it’s common to shift into self-protection mode and to trick yourself into believing you didn’t do anything wrong. “A lot of the time, people don’t apologize simply because these self-defensive processes kick in and they come up with all kinds of reasons why they shouldn’t apologize,” Schumann says. “They push blame onto the other person, they think of excuses, all the situational factors that caused them to behave the way they did.” Another impediment to apologizing can be a lack of empathy or concern for the relationship with the wronged party.

Saying sorry effectively boils down to a few simple steps that can be easily replicated and adapted to different situations, from accidentally bumping into a stranger in a crowded bar to insulting the entirety of your best friend’s life choices. The key to successful apologies doesn’t lie in following a formula, though: It’s true sincerity.

The six (and a half) components of a good apology

According to Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy, the authors of the book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies , successful apologies contain six (and a half) components:

• Say you’re sorry or that you apologize. Actually use the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.”
• Name or specify the infraction you’re apologizing for.
• Show you understand why your actions were harmful and hurtful, and the effect it had on the other person.
• Don’t make excuses, but offer an explanation if needed.
• Say what you are doing to ensure this situation won’t happen again.
• Offer to fix what’s broken — whether that’s buying your aunt a new lamp you knocked off a table at Thanksgiving or offering to spend more time with a friend who feels neglected. 

The half-step is to listen to the person or people (these steps work regardless if you’re apologizing to one person or a group) you’ve wronged. This is about their experience and emotions, not yours.

“They’re more or less ranked in the order of importance,” McCarthy says. This isn’t to say listening is the least important, but sometimes the hurt person may not want to extend the conversation beyond hearing you say sorry.

Each component can be adjusted to fit the seriousness of the apology. You don’t need to explain what you’re doing to better yourself after accidentally stealing your neighbor’s trash can. But you’ll want to show you understand why punching a wall in a rage is not healthy.

Saying the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” is non-negotiable in any decent apology, big or small. Avoid terms like “I regret” or “I feel really bad about what happened.”

For bigger infractions, explicitly saying what you’re apologizing for and why it was wrong helps you take accountability. Be specific and use active language. Think: “I’m sorry I accused your sister of stealing money. It was crappy of me to make assumptions based on judgments.” and not “I regret the events that occurred which caused you to feel upset” or the other gobbledygook commonly found in brand , YouTuber , and notes-app apologies. “If you just dropped a cup of water, you don’t need to explain to that person,” McCarthy says. “But in most cases, it’s really good to specify.”

Even if you aren’t sure why someone is angry with you — but you know they are — apologize for what you can, Hubbard says; that might sound like “I can see that you’re upset with me and I’m very sorry for hurting you.” Piecemeal apologies also apply to situations where you’re being told to say sorry even if you feel you were justified in your actions. Ingall recalls a situation in which her child was asked to apologize for yelling at another student after they were provoked by a bully. “I felt like Max was 100 percent the wronged party and only reacted,” Ingall says. “We figured out that Max could say, ‘I’m sorry for disrupting the class.’”

Explaining why you acted the way you did can add important context, Schumann says. Victims of wrongdoing often see the transgression as purposeful, unfair, and intentional, according to research . On the other hand, the wrongdoers tend to see their actions as provoked and justified. A non-defensive account of your motivations can help the person you’re apologizing to see that you weren’t acting maliciously. Schumann suggests saying something like, “I want to let you know why my behavior has been like this over the past few weeks just to help you understand where it was coming from. It’s no excuse and I should’ve done better.” Be careful to not make excuses, Ingall stresses. In their book, Ingall and McCarthy write that “I didn’t mean to,” “Some things just fell through the cracks,” or “I knew you’d never understand” are all common excuses.

Saying the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” is non-negotiable in any decent apology, big or small

Describe how you’ll never make the same infraction again with specificity: “I’ll set a reminder in my phone next time so I don’t forget,” “I won’t use that language anymore,” “I’m going to therapy.” It’s not enough to say “I’m taking responsibility for my actions.” How will you take responsibility?

While not applicable in all situations, making up for a bad deed can look like offering to buy a new white rug after you spilled red wine all over it, or publicly correcting the record regarding the embarrassing claims you made about a friend.

These intense and personal apologies are what researcher Yohsuke Ohtsubo calls “ costly apologies ,” where the wrongdoer is willing to do whatever it takes to repair the relationship. Victims perceive these apologies as being more sincere because they know “that you value the relationship with them more than the cost you pay,” says Ohtsubo, a professor at the University of Tokyo, “which also informs them that you are not likely to do the same transgression again.” The “cost” incurred has less to do with monetary value but instead is focused on the worth of the relationship. 

What not to do when apologizing

There are a few hallmarks of a bad apology. Ingall and McCarthy suggest avoiding language like “Sorry if …” (“Sorry if you were offended”), “Sorry but …” (“Sorry, but I had every right to yell”), and “Sorry you …” (“I’m sorry you took that the wrong way”). Don’t include words like “obviously,” “regrettable,” and “unfortunate” either.

Any statement that confers blame on the recipient is a bad apology. “It’s very normal for us to want to point out how they’ve hurt us as well,” Schumann says, “because oftentimes these things aren’t clean-cut in terms of who hurt who.” If you feel like you are also owed an apology, save that for a separate conversation.

By apologizing, you acknowledge your words and actions have caused pain — so don’t minimize the other person’s hurt in order to assuage your ego. “It was just a joke,” “I didn’t mean anything by it,” or “I don’t know why it was such a big deal” are bound to make the other person feel worse, Schumann says. 

When and how to apologize

More important than the timing and means of your apology is its sincerity, Hubbard says. If you’re not ready to say sorry and mean it, you can apologize multiple times, Hubbard says: Once to clear the air of any awkwardness, and later when you truly feel repentant.

Don’t worry about where the apology lives within the conversation — focus on being sincere and empathetic instead. A commonly cited study found that when apologies came after the wronged party had a chance to share their feelings, they were more effective. One of Hubbard’s studies showed that starting a conversation with an apology can springboard a deeper conversation. Whenever you apologize, be prepared for any range of emotions, and to listen (or for the other person to disengage completely).

In general, the most sincere apologies take place face-to-face or over the phone. The other person can hear your voice, your tone, and read your body language. Text apologies can be utilized if you typically interact with the person you’ve hurt that way. Messages on social media can be an effective way to apologize to someone from your past you don’t communicate with or see in person. Mass apologies on social media should be avoided at all costs. 

“It is far healthier to reach out with your actual human voice to your friends who you have actually harmed and say, ‘I’m sorry, I love you, I miss you. Can we talk about this?’” Ingall says. “You will find that to be endlessly more fulfilling than the Notes app apology that, B-T-dubs, everybody ends up messing up anyway.”

When not to apologize

There are seemingly endless situations calling for an apology — plenty of ways to screw up, piss people off, or offend — but a few circumstances when you don’t need to change a thing. Women and girls, who are famously maligned for apologizing too frequently , should stop apologizing for apologizing, Ingall says. “We have to be really careful about not over-policing women’s speech and not telling women that the way they talk — whether that’s vocal fry, or rise in inflection at the end of the sentence, or apologizing — is wrong,” she says, “because sometimes there are things we just got to do to make it through the day and to make our life easier.”

Never apologize for existing, taking space, and living your authentic self. That’s the version of unapologetic worth aspiring to.

“It’s appropriate to apologize for things that you do or say,” McCarthy says. “You don’t have to apologize for who you are.”

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Do you use these words when you apologize? It's time to stop, researchers say

Mary Louise Kelly

There are certain words that can creep into apologies but should be avoided, experts say. jayk7/Getty Images hide caption

There are certain words that can creep into apologies but should be avoided, experts say.

There's something very powerful about receiving or giving a heartfelt, genuine apology.

Bad apologies, on the other hand, can be disastrous and lead to more hurt.

The new book, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies , draws from a broad range of research to explain the power of apologies, why we don't always get good ones, and the best way to tell someone you're sorry.

Co-authors Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy break down the six (and a half) steps to great apologies. They are:

• Say you're sorry. Not that you "regret," not that you are "devastated." Say you're "sorry."
• Say what it is that you're apologizing for. Be specific.
• Show you understand why it was bad, take ownership, and show that you understand why you caused hurt.
• Don't make excuses.
• Say why it won't happen again. What steps are you taking?
• If it's relevant, make reparations: "I'm going to pay for the dry cleaning. Just send the bill to me. I'm going to do my best to fix what I did."

Southwest Airlines apologizes and then gives its customers frequent-flyer points

"These six steps are relevant for adults, for children, for corporations, for institutions, for governments," Ingall said. "And six-and-a-half is 'listen.' People want to be heard, and don't jump over them. Let the person that you hurt have their say."

Ingall said saying the word "sorry" may seem obvious, but it didn't always happen. Instead, people say things like they're "regretful," and this isn't the same thing.

"Regret is about how I feel," Ingall said. "We're all regretful. 'Sorry' is about how the other person feels. And when you apologize, you have to keep the other person's feelings at top of mind."

Then there are the words not to say during an apology.

Ingall points to words like "obviously" ("If it was obvious, you wouldn't have to say it") and "already" ("'I've already apologized' is a thing we hear a lot"), and the qualifiers like "sorry if ..." and "sorry but ..." and "I didn't meant to."

"Intent is far less important than impact when it comes to apologies," Ingall said.

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Millennials in hollywood are making parents apologize on-screen.

McCarthy adds that a bad apology can even make things worse.

"It's akin to the cover-up being worse than a crime, if you make an apology that says, you know, 'You shouldn't even have a white sofa,' or, 'You shouldn't have been standing there,'" she said.

On the other hand, a great — even late — apology can have tremendous healing power, the authors say.

"I received a letter years after a breakup from a boyfriend," Ingall said. "And he just said, 'I wanted you to know I'm getting married. And I'm aware that I was often not a good boyfriend. And I want you to know that I was listening, even when it didn't seem like I wasn't listening. And I'm going to be a better husband because of our relationship.'"

Ingall said there was no return address on the letter, which made it feel more meaningful as there was no expectation of a response.

"I still had some sad and angry feelings about that relationship, and it felt so healing," she said. "And it felt like it was good for my relationships moving forward, too. I mean, a good apology is a really, really potent thing."

"I think in some ways we don't even understand yet."

Mallory Yu edited the radio interview.

Greater Good Science Center • Magazine • In Action • In Education

The Three Parts of an Effective Apology

People make mistakes all the time. Not just bad people, or weak people. All people. Our mistakes are what make us human. And even when we don’t think that we’ve made a mistake, other people will often find errors in our ways. We human beings are walking offenders.

Here’s the real question: If we’ve done something that offends someone else—whether or not we feel we are to blame—should we apologize?

I believe that it almost always serves our highest good to apologize if we’ve hurt or offended someone else—even if we think the offended person’s anger is unjustified, or if we have a perfectly good excuse for what happened. Or if our intentions were all good.

Often, the impact of our action is not what we intended. But here’s the thing: Impact matters much more than intention. Our happiness is best predicted by the breadth and depth of our social connections—our relationships with friends, family, partners, spouses, neighbors, colleagues—and so broken or fraying connections are usually worth repairing.

We don’t repair a fissure in one of our relationships by ignoring it. (We have a saying in our family: You can sweep sh*t under the rug, but it is still going to smell.) And we don’t repair it by blaming someone else, or defending our actions. We initiate a repair by apologizing.

But all apologies aren’t created equal, of course. (All parents have watched children spit out a forced “SORRY!” and known it was worthless.) A good apology is something of an art.

So what makes a good apology? After studying that question extensively, Aaron Lazare developed perhaps the most robust criteria to date for effective apologies. Drawing on Dr. Lazare’s work, I’ve whittled down his ideas to the following three-step method for making a good apology.

Step 1: Tell them what you feel

Usually, we start by saying “I’m sorry” to express remorse. “I’m sorry” is more effective when we elaborate on our remorseful feelings. For example, “I’m so sorry and sad to hear that my lack of communication has made you so angry and resentful.” Or, “I’m so sorry and embarrassed that my comment caused such an uproar.”

Just share the remorseful feelings, please. It is not constructive is succumb to—and share—feelings of resentment or defensiveness, like, “I’m sorry…you’re being so petty and critical.”

Step 2: Admit your mistake AND the negative impact it had

This is the hardest part, because it requires admitting responsibility for our actions or behavior. This can feel impossible if we don’t really think we did much wrong, or if our intentions were good.

Ask yourself: How is the other person feeling? What did I do that caused that feeling? Could I have done something differently?

Then acknowledge these things. Empathize with the offended person; the most important thing is that you demonstrate that you are trying to understand how they feel. (Don’t apologize until you actually do understand how they are feeling; if you can’t put yourself in their shoes, your apology will ring false.)

For example: “I can see that my comment hurt your feelings, and that you are feeling misunderstood and uncared for.”

Or to your partner you might say, “I know that it was wrong of me to call you out in front of the whole family, and that you are angry because I’ve hurt your credibility with the kids. I’m sure that was embarrassing, and it was a mistake for me to do that.”

More on Apology

This is where most of us are tempted to offer an explanation for our behavior. When in doubt, leave the explanation out; trying to explain away our actions can seem like we’re being defensive, or making excuses. (Remember, the point is to repair the relationship, not make the other person see that you were right.)

If you need to shed light on why you did what you did, be careful to continue to take responsibility for the negative impact you had. Saying, “I really didn’t know that you would be offended” is an excuse, not a good explanation. Whining that you didn’t intend for the other person to be hurt doesn’t shed light on anything. More effective would be saying, “It is no excuse for standing you up, but I want you to know that my stepfather had just had a stroke, and I was so frantic to get to the hospital that I forgot to call you.”

If you do offer an explanation, it can help to reiterate your mistake and again acknowledge how the other person feels: “Again, I’m so sorry that I didn’t call you, and that you were stuck there waiting for me for an hour. I can only imagine how upset, worried, and angry you must be.”

Step 3: Make the situation right

Good apologies include a reparation of some kind, either real or symbolic. Maybe you create an opportunity for the person you embarrassed to regain credibility. Or perhaps you admit your mistake to others, too, as a part of the reparation. In many relationships, a hug is a great reparation.

Often, all we need to do is explain what we are going to do differently the next time so that we don’t repeat the offending action or behavior. This helps us rebuild trust and repair the relationship.

If you aren’t sure how to make it right, just ask, “Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?”

Above all, deliver on any promises you make. When we feel guilty or embarrassed, sometimes we over-correct in our attempt to gain forgiveness . If the person is asking for something that you can’t give, say so, and say that you will give some thought to what you can give to make it up to them.

Knowing how to apologize well is at the top of my Sweet Spot Manifesto . It’s a life skill I want my children to practice and master. And it’s one that I’m still working on myself.

When has an apology made all the difference in your life? Leave a comment below.

Are you craving one of these apologies? Whenever I talk or write about making apologies, people often respond by wishing that someone else would apologize to them. If this is you, please leave your story in the comments—I will try to address your situation in a future post.

About the Author

Christine Carter

Christine Carter, Ph.D. is a Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (BenBella, 2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (Ballantine Books, 2015), and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (Random House, 2010). A former director of the GGSC, she served for many years as author of its parenting blog, Raising Happiness . Find out more about Christine here .

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Apologizing Sincerely and Effectively

Apologizing can be intimidating, but it is the first step to rebuilding trust.

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and international bestselling author. Her books, including "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do," have been translated into more than 40 languages. Her TEDx talk,  "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong," is one of the most viewed talks of all time.

• Why It's Important

Take Responsibility

Express regret, make amends, reaffirm boundaries.

• Manage Expectations
• Let Go of Results
• Choose Your Method
• Determining Effectiveness

Relationships can be wonderful buffers against stress, but relationship conflicts can also cause considerable emotional pain and stress. Knowing how to apologize—and when—can repair damage in a relationship, but if you aren't sincerely apologizing, you can actually make things worse.

A sincere and effective apology is one that communicates genuine empathy, remorse, and regret as well as a promise to learn from your mistakes . In other words, you need to really believe you did something wrong and feel sorry for the hurt you caused. Here are some easy steps to help you learn how to apologize sincerely and effectively.

Why Sincerely Apologizing is Important

When you've made a mistake or hurt another person , there are many good reasons to apologize. By apologizing, you are able to:

• Acknowledge that you were wrong
• Discuss what is allowed and not allowed in your relationship
• Express your regret and remorse
• Learn from your mistakes and find new ways of dealing with difficult situations
• Open up a line of communication with the other person

Sincerely apologizing can also bring relief, particularly if you have guilt over your actions. An apology alone doesn't erase the hurt or make it okay, but it does establish that you know your actions or words were wrong and that you will strive harder in the future to prevent it from happening again.

Not apologizing when you are wrong can be damaging to personal and professional relationships. It can also lead to rumination, anger, resentment, and hostility that may only grow over time.

Research suggests that some of the major reasons people don't apologize are that they aren't really concerned about the other person, apologizing threatens their own self-image, or they believe that an apology won't do any good anyway.

Know When to Apologize

Knowing when to apologize is as important as knowing how to apologize. Generally speaking, if you suspect that something you did—on purpose or by accident—caused someone else hard feelings, it's a good idea to apologize and clear the air.

If what you did would have bothered you if it was done to you, an apology is in order. If you're not sure, an apology not only offers you the chance to "own" mistakes you made, but also re-establish what you think was okay. If you feel the other person is being unreasonable, a discussion may be in order. You can decide where you stand on the apology after that.

While sincerely apologizing can go a long way toward mending a relationship , people are often unwilling or unable to take this step. Admitting you were wrong can be difficult and humbling.

Researchers have found that people who believe that personality is changeable are more likely to apologize for harmful actions. Because they feel that change is possible, they feel that accepting the blame for their mistakes is an opportunity for learning and growth.

Taking responsibility means acknowledging mistakes you made that hurt the other person. This is one of the most important and neglected ingredients of most apologies, especially those in the media.

Saying something vague like, "I’m sorry if you were offended by something I said," implies that the hurt feelings were a random reaction on the part of the other person. Saying, "When I said [the hurtful thing], I wasn’t thinking. I realize I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry," acknowledges that you know what it was you said that hurt the other person, and you take responsibility for it.

Don't make assumptions and don't try to shift the blame. Sincerely apologizing involves making it clear that you regret your actions and that you are truly sorry.

When learning how to apologize effectively, it’s important to understand the value of expressing regret. Taking responsibility is important, but it’s also helpful for the other person to know that you feel bad about hurting them and wish you hadn’t. That’s it. They already feel bad, and they’d like to know that you feel bad about them feeling bad.

What to Say When You Want to Apologize

• "I wish I could take it back."
• "I wish I had been more thoughtful."
• "I wish I’d thought of your feelings as well."

These are all expressions of regret that add to the sincerity of your apology and let the other person know you care.

If there’s anything you can do to amend the situation, do it. It’s important to know how to apologize with sincerity, and part of that sincerity is a willingness to act.

What to Say to Make Amends

• If you broke something: "How can I replace it?"
• If you said something hurtful: "I know my words hurt you. I should have never spoken that way to someone I love and respect. I'll do my best to think before I speak in the future."
• If you broke trust : "Is there anything I can do right now to help build your trust?"

Whatever you can do to make things better, do it. If you’re not sure what would help, ask the other person.

One of the most important parts of sincerely apologizing—and one of the best reasons to apologize—is to reaffirm boundaries. Healthy boundaries are important in any relationship.  

When you come into conflict with someone, often a boundary is crossed. If a social rule is violated or trust is broken, an apology helps to affirm what kind of future behavior is preferred.

Discussing what type of rules you both will adhere to in the future helps rebuild trust, boundaries, and positive feelings. It provides a natural segue out of the conflict and into a happier future in the relationship.

For example, you and your partner, friend, or family member can discuss things you won't tolerate , such as:

• Gaslighting

In addition, you can work together to set expectations about how you should treat each other emotionally, physically, and sexually. If you're having trouble agreeing on these boundaries, you and your loved one may benefit from seeing a family therapist or couples counselor .

Own Up to Your Part, Not Theirs

Remember that when you apologize, you're taking responsibility for your part in the conflict. That doesn't mean that you're admitting that the entire conflict was your fault. People are often afraid to apologize first because they think whoever apologizes first is "more wrong" or the "loser" of the conflict.

Giving an apology even when only a small part of the conflict was your responsibility is okay and often healthy. It allows you to establish what you regret about your own actions but confirms your boundaries as well.

It's important to be fair in your apology, both to the other person and to yourself. Don't accept all the blame if it isn't all your fault.

Apologize for the Right Reasons 

When sincerely apologizing for what you did, you can more easily move forward and put the conflict behind you, regardless of the other person's actions. When we apologize, we're able to more easily maintain our integrity and forgive ourselves .

The other person may be moved to apologize for their actions as well. While getting an apology is often nice, it's important to remember that this doesn't always happen. Trying to evoke an apology from the other person is a manipulative tactic that sometimes backfires.

Apologize for your own peace of mind and the other person may be inspired to do the same. But be sure not to apologize just because you expect an apology in return.

Let Go of Results...to an Extent

Although apologizing can be a way to maintain integrity and move on from actions we're not proud of, most of us also want to repair the relationship and be forgiven. Sometimes this doesn't happen.

If the apology was sincere and included the necessary ingredients, your chances of forgiveness are greater. But sometimes the other person just isn't ready or able to forgive and move on. Or they may forgive you but remain guarded. Or they may not realize their own role in the conflict. You can't control their response, and if you've done everything you can, let it go for now .

Press Play for Advice On Making an Apology

Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares ways to apologize effectively and sincerely.

Follow Now : Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts

Choose Your Apology Method

Verbal apologies are appropriate under most circumstances, but making amends in writing can also have its benefits. Many people experience discomfort with a face-to-face apology, and while this discomfort alone isn't a good reason for a written apology, it can be a factor—especially if your discomfort affects your ability to express yourself .

Writing out your apology in a letter, email, or even text can give you the time to thoughtfully craft what you want to say. You can make sure you accept responsibility, express remorse, and reaffirm boundaries.

On the other hand, written apologies may be too formal for some mistakes and not personal enough for others. And if the written apology isn't followed by a response, you may be left with an unresolved conflict.

Keep your apology simple and direct. If you overdo it, you'll make it about yourself instead of the person you wronged. This can create resentment in the relationship and erode trust.

How to Know If Your Apology Was Accepted

In general, you'll be able to tell if your apology was accepted if the person took the following steps:

• Listened to your apology or acknowledged reading your apology
• Thanked you or showed appreciation for your apology
• Responded to your apology, saying "It's okay," "Please don't ever do that again," or even "Thanks, but I still need more time to think"

It's important to remind yourself that even if someone accepts your apology, it doesn't necessarily mean they're ready to forgive you. True forgiveness may take some time, so stay calm and be patient.

The Bottom Line

Sincerely apologizing isn't always easy, but it can be an important part of mending or maintaining important relationships. With empathy , an open heart, and a dose of courage, you can take the steps you need to make a sincere and honest apology.

Chrdileli M, Kasser T. Guilt, shame, and apologizing behavior: A laboratory study . Personal Indiv Diff . 2018;135:304-306. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2018.07.035

Schumann K. The psychology of offering an apology: Understanding the barriers to apologizing and how to overcome them .  Curr Dir Psychol Sci . 2018;27(2):74-78. doi:10.1177/0963721417741709

Schumann K, Dweck CS. Who accepts responsibility for their transgressions? Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2014;40(12):1598-1610. doi:10.1177/0146167214552789

Kelso Sandlin J, Gracyalny ML. Seeking sincerity, finding forgiveness: YouTube apologies as image repair . Public Rel Rev . 2018;44(3):393-406. doi:10.1016/j.pubrev.2018.04.007

Stanford University. How is life tree(ting) you?: Trust, safety, and respect - the importance of boundaries .

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Home / Essay Samples / Life / I Am Sorry / The Meaning Behind “I Am Sorry” – the Power of Forgiveness

The Meaning Behind "I Am Sorry" - the Power of Forgiveness

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